Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪♪

[SCOFFS]

It doesn't look at all like the one on the box.

Nobody's gonna notice, though,

because when I serve it, I'll serve it like this.

[CHUCKLING]

Gosh. I just wish I could do one thing right

in the kitchen.

Hey, you're a great eater. Heh.

Now, come on, Angela.

After all the prison food Nick's been eating,

he's gonna think this is terrific, here.

In fact, it's just like him. Crooked.

Tony, that is no way to talk about your father-in-law.

Now, he's made some mistakes,

but he's paid his debt to society.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he still owes me a 100 bucks.

Oh, just-- Just give him a chance, okay?

Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS] [GASPS]

Oh, now this is his first day out of prison,

we wanna do everything in our power to make it enjoyable.

BOTH: Right.

I'll get it!

I wanna get it.

Jonathan, be a gentleman.

Yeah, or I'll break your hand.

Samantha. Oh, she's mellowing.

Last week she threatened to break his kneecaps.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

Aah!

And now, straight from Danbury Penitentiary,

the very lovely, the very rehabilitated,

Nick Milano.

Hey, Grandpa. Hey, Sam.

Hey, Jonathan. Hi.

Hi, Tony. Hey!

Oh!

Oh, Nick, you should have let us pick you up.

Oh, I did not want to impose.

I mean, now that I'm a free man,

I wanna make my own way in the world.

I don't wanna ask nobody for nothing.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, that's my cab.

Hey, Tony, do you happen to have 78 bucks on you?

You took a cab all the way from Danbury Penitentiary?

Well, the limos were all booked.

I would have charged it, but I'm over my credit line.

Well, I have some loose bills.

No, no, no, Angela. He's from my family.

If he's gonna mooch, I'm gonna be the moochee.

Uh, Angela, could you loan me $50?

Thank you.

There you go, 78 bucks.

Yeah, I usually tip 20 percent.

That's it?

What's he gonna think of me?

He'll be glad they're not counterfeit.

Come on, help me with the bags?

JONATHAN: All right. SAMANTHA: Let's go.

Did you hear him? He said bags. He said bags.

Now, he'll use every trick in the book

to worm his way in here.

Angela, why did you have to be so nice to him?

All I said was "Hi."

Yeah, but you said it like you meant it.

Tony, what is wrong if he stays with us for a few days?

Angela, Nick doesn't stay anywhere for a few days.

We could be looking at five to life.

NICK: All right.

Where should I put this? Right outside the door.

Oh, come on. He's kidding. He's--

I'll take it. He's kidding.

What a kidder.

Well, we certainly have a lot to catch up on.

Why don't we all sit down? NICK: All right.

You're doing it again.

Nick, you look wonderful.

Incarceration agrees with you.

You are so cute. Heh.

Thank you, Nick.

So tell us about prison.

Did they chain your feet

and make you build roads and play the harmonica?

[CHUCKLES]

Nick wasn't in that kind of facility.

Grandpa, I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, I want to spend time together.

No. Never say time, sweetheart.

We never say time.

Never, never, never.

But rest assured,

I plan to stay right here in Fairfield.

That's wonderful. You'll be close.

How--? How close?

I don't know. I don't know. I just thought someplace

where I can kick back and relax, you know.

Someplace maybe with a fireplace,

a couple of wing chairs.

Hey, maybe you can stay with us?

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Oh. Nick, Nick, we would love to have you--

Great, great. Then I'll stay. You convinced me.

No, no, no. We'd love to have you, if we had the room.

Heh. Tony, how much room does he need?

I mean, he's used to living in...

very cozy quarters. Heh.

No. Angela, we have no room upstairs,

no room downstairs.

No room at all. Heh. No room.

Dad, can't we make room?

Where, honey? What, put him in the garage?

I will take it.

I'll take it.

You won't even know I'm around.

Nick, listen--

I'd like a 10:00 wake-up call please.

[SOBBING]

Written by Nick Milano.

There is no question about it. I am a writer.

I can't believe it.

Reach for the stars, Milano.

You got the drop on me, Red. Heh.

I am a prisoner of love.

Oh, heh.

Oh...

So, Nick, how does freedom feel?

Oh, it feels so good.

Oh...

So much better than my pillow.

They only issue you one.

Oh...

Oh, Nick.

What? What? What? Nick--

Nick, I-- I've been seeing another other guy.

And I'm afraid we're not gonna be able to get together.

You mean, you-- You didn't wait for me?

Well, you know, at first it was just a lark,

and then we began spending more and more time together,

and suddenly it got very serious.

You've been seeing him a while, huh?

Mm. Three days.

Wow.

In a row.

Oh, that's a real commitment. Mm.

Well, I guess all I can do is hand around and hope.

Or have him blown away.

I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

So, what are you up to, Nick?

Oh, about 220...

Oh, you-- Oh, no. Yeah, I got it.

I got a real surprise for you.

Ah, another one of your capers again, eh, Nick?

No, no, no, Red. While I was in prison,

I wrote a diet book.

The only capers you'll find are in my salmon mousse.

Oh, you wrote a book? Yeah.

Oh, Nick, that's wonderful.

"The Prison Diet: Blimpos Behind Bars."

Do you like it? Yeah.

Or is this better?

How I Got Slimmer in the Slammer.

No, stick with this. All right. Yeah.

Everybody loves a blimpo.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm so proud of you, Nick.

So can I take a look at it?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

But don't go on the diet because if you lost any pounds,

I-- I would miss them so much.

Well, I can't wait to curl up in bed

with this tonight.

Ah, yeah, I see...

I-- I'm so sorry, Nick. Sorry. It's okay. It's all right.

You better go now, you know. It's okay.

Now I know what if feels like to be a tortured writer.

A writer? What are you writing now, bad checks?

Tony, wait till you hear.

Nick has great news. Moving out, Nick?

After I've got the place fixed up the way I like it?

I am an author.

While I was in prison, I wrote a diet book.

Nick, heh, have you looked in the mirror lately?

What are you talking--? I couldn't go on the diet.

I was working in the kitchen.

I had to do research, development.

The more I researched, the more I developed.

Hold on a second, Nick. Something doesn't add up.

How could you write a book? You've never even read a book.

The closest you ever came was being a bookie.

I'll tell you, Tony,

the more you spend time in prison,

the more you get to know yourself.

And I knew that there was something burning

inside of me.

Gas?

I'm telling you the truth!

My book could be a bestseller.

Well, that's great, Nick.

I'm-- Really, that's wonderful.

But until the royalty checks start rolling in,

you're getting a job.

Here's the want ads.

Just what I was looking for.

How did you know that?

There. That's better.

Nick. Yeah.

Nick, you are gonna get a job,

and I am gonna help you.

Now, look, the produce manager down at Shop-King,

he's been driving me crazy to go out with his sister.

Phew. I hate blind dates,

but I'm gonna make an exception this time.

I do him a favor, he gets you a job.

I got a better idea.

Why don't you take the job and I'll go out with his sister?

[CHUCKLES]

What would I get for assault with a weed wacker?

[♪♪♪]

Hey, I just finished Grandpa's book.

I'm impressed. It's really good.

I thought it was a potpourri of information and anecdotes

with just the right amount of...

je ne sais quoi.

Well, maybe.

No, but I liked it anyway.

[CHUCKLES]

That's what I meant.

I think Nick is really talented.

I just wish I could do more to help him.

He's doing great.

I mean, he's got a job, he wrote a book.

Even Dad's proud of him.

Where is that lazy lowdown leech?

You mean Jonathan?

You know who I mean, Samantha.

He wasn't working at the supermarket,

he wasn't the employee of the week,

and he didn't save a baby in the runaway cart.

Who did?

There was no baby.

And there was no job.

He's been lying to us!

NICK: I'm home!

You very own green grocer!

Who's about to become black and blue.

So, Nick, how was your day at the market? Tough?

[GROANS] Killer.

TONY: Oh. Killer. Killer.

What a day.

I mean, first the peppers came in late,

then the cabbage was bruised,

then some lady told me my cukes were too small.

Well, I guess that's the way it is

in the produce business, huh?

Grandpa, he knows.

Oh, sure, he knows.

Knows what?

I had a little talk with my friend

down at Shop-King today.

You were spying on me?

Tony, I can never trust you again!

Oh, come on, Nick! Come on now!

You had that job and it was yours.

All you had to do was show up.

And I made sure of it by going out

with the produce manager's sister, Marlene.

Oh, hey!

Did you two kids have fun?

She's a meat packer.

She keeps her apartment at 30 degrees!

Tony, I'm sure if you give Nick a chance,

he's gonna tell you why he didn't take the job.

Of course, I am. Of course, I am. It's very easy.

I-- I thought--

Isn't there someone more deserving,

someone who knows more about squeezing melons

and making those cute little piles of potatoes?

That's it?

All right, you wanna know the truth?

Yeah, but please, tell us your version first.

The truth is that I am a writer.

That is my fate, my destiny.

Call it what you will.

I call it a pile of pepperoni. Pfft.

Now, look, Nick, I know you. I know you're not gonna change.

I want you out of here in 15 minutes.

Dad, that's not fair.

Okay. Twenty. Heh.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'm gonna take it in there.

Dad, you can't just throw him out on the street.

Don't worry about me, sweetheart.

Don't worry about me. I'll just--

I don't wanna stay anywhere where I am not wanted.

I'll go out, I'll find a vacant lot

and a cardboard box.

You can get one down at the supermarket.

Dad, all he needs is a little time

till his book gets published.

Samantha, that's not gonna happen.

You know, Nick, you're always looking for the fast buck.

You know what I mean? The easy way.

The 100-to-1 shot.

Nick, you can't go on pinning all yours hopes

on wild fantasies that's--

They're never gonna come true!

Guess what, everybody.

Nick's book is going to be published.

What? ANGELA: Yes!

You're kidding me?

No. I--

I didn't wanna tell you before

because I didn't wanna get your hopes up,

but I gave the book to a publisher friend.

He loves it.

He thinks that Blimpos Behind Bars

is going to be a bestseller.

He does? He really does?

I can't believe it.

I'm not a bum anymore!

Oh, thank you for believing in me.

ANGELA: Oh.

Thank you for believing in me.

Uh-- What the hell, thank you for going out with Marlene.

[SOBBING]

[♪♪♪]

Ew, barf city!

You are the most disgusting creature

on the face of this Earth.

Samantha, isn't that a little mean?

No, no.

Yeah, I was just showing her

the heart from the frog I dissected.

You know, I think it's still beating.

[GROANS]

You're disgusting.

I'm gonna keep it in case my lizard needs a transplant.

Some day they're gonna put him in a jar.

So? So what?

So did you apologize to Grandpa?

Oh, gee, it must have slipped my mind. Heh.

Come on, Dad,

I want the two guys in my life to be friends.

Well, I just never run into him.

[GROANS] How could you miss him?

He's big, he's round, and he hangs out at the refrigerator.

Well, not all the time, Samantha.

You know, he's out there pretending to be a writer,

while I'm here doing housework,

hard work, right here at the house.

Have a seat.

Come on, Sam, is this gonna be a lecture?

Sit.

Now, look, I know what you're going through.

It's not easy to face up to our mistakes.

But I know that you are a big enough person

to admit when you're wrong.

But it wasn't my fault. Nick started it.

But that's not really the point here.

Now, promise me you'll apologize.

[GROANS]

Okay, okay, I promise. Good.

Now, let me see a little smile.

Yeah, that's better.

[SMOOCHES]

Aw, that was great, Samantha.

Great. You know, the only thing you forgot

was I'm gonna look back on this someday and thank you for it.

Darn. I thought I had it cold.

No. Wanna do it again?

Nah. Nah. Nah.

Nah, right.

Famous writer calling.

And his able-bodied assistant.

[GASPS] Nick!

Grandpa, you look wonderful.

Oh, very literary. Nice, huh?

This is what the picture's gonna look like

on the jacket of the book. Something like this.

You know? Of course they'll airbrush

the crows feet and a couple of the chins.

Gee, Nick, there'll be nothing left.

He wears success very well, doesn't he?

I just hope it doesn't all go to my head, you know.

[WHIMPERING]

Grandpa, that's really scary.

It's the same model Willard Scott wears. Heh.

Dad, isn't there something you wanna say to Grandpa?

Nice rug, Nick.

Well, you get what you pay for, you know.

And I paid plenty for this.

I introduced him to a couple of my friends.

Mr. Bergdorf, Mr. Goodman, Mr. Abercrombie, and Mr. Fitch.

They were so nice to me.

Oh, Nick, we're all so proud of you.

We all are. Aren't we, Dad?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, Samantha. Heh.

Look, Nick.

This isn't easy for me to say, but I...

I thought you were a failure,

and that you were never gonna make it, but I guess...

I was wrong.

Tony, Tony.

It takes a big man to say that.

Could you say it again?

[TONY GROANS]

Don't press it, Grandpa.

Ahh, come here you big lug.

[NICK CHUCKLES]

Uh, Nick, nice aftershave.

Or is that rug glue?

Isn't this great?

My two guys are friends again.

Yeah. Hey, look, Nick.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to make it up to you.

Ah, don't be silly, Tony.

Of course, you, you could help me pack,

you know, when I move into my new apartment.

Well, I'll get started on it right away.

Ah, there's no rush.

Wanna bet?

[HUMMING]

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, what the hell?

Ah-ha.

Yeah. I'd like the number

of the Danbury State Penitentiary, please.

Oh, yeah, I guess you could call it a residence.

Well, Red, I guess this means goodbye.

Well, you're only moving to New York, Nick.

Yeah, I know. But you know how it is

with the life of a busy writer.

You're on the road all the time.

Those book tours, the talk show circuit.

Who do you think I should go on, Johnny or Joan?

Because I don't wanna get either one of them mad at me.

Try Oprah.

You'll look thinner.

You always have the right answers.

You know, Red,

we've been together for a while, and...

and-and we've come so close, but then...

not anything, you know? Mm-hm.

So, what do you say? How about one for the road?

Nick!

Oh, just a friendly kiss.

Kiss. A friendly kiss.

What do you say, huh? Well...

Yeah, hm? Mm-hm.

Well, okay.

Do you feel a draft? What is that?

What is that? What is that?

What is it? Ugh.

I'll kill that salesman.

What--? He said it would stay on in the shower?

Well, let's go in the shower and see, all right? That...

Come here.

Tony! What is going on?

Why are you dragging me out of the kitchen?

Maybe he's afraid you'll cook something.

No, no, no, Mona.

I want you and Angela to see something.

This'll only take a second here. See what?

This is the original title page from Nick's book.

Oh, a collector's item. It's gonna be valuable someday.

I better get a hold of that. No, no, no.

Not so fast, Nick.

This is very interesting, here. "Blimpos Behind Bars.

By Dick Archer."

Who's Dick Archer?

Oh...

Who's Dick Archer? Who's Dick Archer?

Oh! Well, that's so easy to explain.

Who is Dick Archer? This is very hard.

Very hard.

Who is Dick Archer? He--

But actually he's-- Help me, will you?

Your nom de plume?

My nom de plume. Right.

I used it. It sounded thinner.

[CHUCKLES] You know, Dick, it's funny.

Because it does sound a little thin

because I called the prison.

I know who wrote the book. It wasn't you.

It was Dick Archer.

Oh, Dick, Nick. It's so close.

Yeah, yeah. Nick, Nick, come on.

Come on, Nick. Time to give it up.

Come clean.

All right, he wrote it!

Oh, what good was it gonna do him?

I mean, his days were numbered. He was on death row.

Not anymore. I know, may he rest in peace.

He was a nice man but a troubled soul.

But a good man. They're letting him out.

That murderer?

He appealed his case. He got off on a technicality.

But he's guilty!

[SOBS] And mean!

Nick, how could you steal from a man

who was about to be executed?

You're right. I should've waited till they fried him.

Now, Nick, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

I'm too scared to be ashamed.

Did they say how soon he would be getting out?

What time you got? Oh!

Oh, listen, tell Sambina I'll be back someday.

Wait, Nick! Where are you going?

Undercover.

Bye-bye, blimpo.

So this is where you are. Oh.

Oh, hey, what are you doing out here?

Oh, um, well, Nick's sudden departure

left me with egg on my face, and my friend is expecting

a great manuscript that he can publish.

Oh, so you--

You thought you'd just dash off a bestseller, huh?

Angela, you're not writing a cookbook, are you?

Now, you don't know the first thing about cooking.

No, Mother, it's not a cookbook.

It's a romance novel.

Go for the cookbook.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, come on. Come on, let me see what you got here.

No, wait-- Tony, it's just a first draft.

All right, all right, all right,

all right, all right, all right.

Ah...

"Love Slaves of The Suburbs.

An important first novel by Lady Angelique Bouvier."

Oh, good thinking, Angela. I'd used an assumed name too.

[CHUCKLES] Listen to this, listen to this.

"The warm summer wind gently caressed the turnpike."

[LAUGHING]

That sets my heart to pound.

Isn't there anything juicy in here?

Oh, oh, look here. This looks promising.

"Montgomery pulled her roughly toward him,

"his manly arms enveloping her.

"He caressed her neck,

"and his hands ran through her flaxen hair

"while his fingers traveled tremblingly

down her spine to her--"

Ho-- Wa-- Wait a minute. Wait a minute here.

What's the matter, Tony? Is it too hot for you?

No, Angela. What, Montgomery? How many arms does he got?

He needs four to do all those things.

Now, I knew a guy who could do that.

Figures.

Heh. Come on, I can show you how to do it.

Come on. Take her, Tony.

Take her in your manly arms.

Oh, I-- You know. Go on, embrace her.

Envelop her in your manly arms.

That's it. Okay, there you go. Now...

Ready? TONY: Yeah.

Now run your hands through her almost flaxen hair.

ANGELA: Mother...

All right. Go on. There.

All right, I said. Go ahead.

There, huh? All right.

[MONA GIGGLES]

Now, what?

You figure it out.

["BRAND NEW LIFE" PLAYING]