Original subtitles

["BRAND-NEW LIFE" PLAYING]

♪ There's a time for love And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ I found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER [OVER RADIO]: And as the blizzard rages on,

several more schools have announced they'll be closed.

Stonington, Greenfield, Westport...

Oh, come on, Fairfield!

...West End, Hurblutt, Norwalk and Cranbury,

and that brings us up to the minute.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Now you're going to have to go out and learn.

Now wait, kiddies, here's one more.

All right.

All public schools will be closed in Southport...

and Fairfield.

All right!

Yeah, no school!

Yay! Somebody to shovel the walk.

Oh, Dad, I'd really like to, but it just wouldn't be right.

A blizzard is God's way of saying goof off.

Hey, Jonathan, how about some more hot chocolate there, pal?

No, I think we'd better save it.

We might get stuck here, run out of food

and have to eat each other.

Oh, well, you know, you can't eat me.

I'm the cook.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, close that door.

Jeez. Welcome, Nanook.

Would you like some hot chocolate?

Oh, that sounds great. Just pour it over me.

Oh, Mother, hi. I'm glad you're here.

I think we should get started for the train a little early.

Angela, haven't you heard?

The trains are not running. We can't get to work.

What are we going to do?

Well, Angela, I haven't thought this out completely,

but as I see it, we won't take the train

and we won't go to work.

[CHUCKLES]

But that's only a theory.

Oh, no.

I can see today's going to be a total waste.

Oh, no, it's going to be great.

There's a TV and a stereo.

There's always a girl's best friend.

[SHRIEKS]

What? What?

My best friend is dead.

Oh!

Oh, this is a nightmare.

Oh, come on, come on.

Boy, you guys are a bunch of grumpsters.

Are you kidding me? Come on. We'll have a great time here.

Hey, how often do we get to spend a day together, huh?

We'll light a cozy fire, huh? We'll tell juicy stories

and we'll roast some marshmallows.

Oh, it sounds good to me.

[LAUGHS]

Juicy stories? Juicy stories?

Marshmallows?

Ooh...

Mm-hmm. Do I know this family or what?

Psst! Oh, I got one.

[LAUGHS]

Mom, don't you have to be related to be a family?

Well, not necessarily, sweetheart.

See, families are people who share each others' lives

and care about each other, the way that we do.

Yeah, Jonathan, you're such a jerk.

Oh, isn't that beautiful?

She couldn't be any more rotten to him

if he was her real brother.

[LAUGHS]

You know, I think it was a real stroke of genius

the way I brought this family together.

Oh, wait a minute now.

I'm the one who charmed you into hiring me.

Yeah, but I'm the one that delivered you to her doorstep.

Yeah, but I'm the reason Mom needed help.

Yeah, but I'm the reason we left Brooklyn in the first place.

Don't you remember, Dad? Yeah, I remember.

We were living in that little apartment on Pitkin Avenue.

Hey, it wasn't that little.

I had my own bedroom.

So did I.

[LOUD CLANGING]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Dad, it's not the clock, it's the pipes.

Samantha, do you have to turn on the faucet so early?

Sorry, Dad, I just had this craving for rusty water.

[BAT SMASHING]

[PIPES STOP CLANGING] [SIGHS]

Samantha, drink milk. It's good for you.

It's got calcium, and it's quieter.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What's that on your face?

A nose?

I'll give you a nose.

I'm talking about that shiner.

That wasn't there when I got home from work last night.

Yes, it was, but when you got home from work

I was already in bed with the lights out.

Pretty smart, huh?

Oh, yeah. Pretty smart.

Another fight, huh?

Let me put some ice on that.

No, that'll take the swelling down.

I want it to look cool for the kids in class.

Oh. Well, does that mean you're going to school today?

Dad, I always go to school.

You always go to school, yeah? Yes.

What about this note I got from the teacher yesterday?

"Please give Samantha my deepest condolences

"on the untimely murder-suicide of her favorite aunt and uncle.

"Perhaps you could make an appointment to see me

when the two of you get back from the funeral in Topeka."

Samantha, I cannot believe this.

You think Cleveland would have been better?

I don't like what I'm hearing from you.

You know, you're starting to sound like one of them kids

they do after-school specials about.

Oh, Dad, come on.

I really think you're taking this father thing too seriously.

I am no different than any other kid on the block.

Yeah, well, maybe that's the problem.

Maybe we should move.

I mean, you know, some place green

with lots of fresh air and room to run.

Shea Stadium?

No, wisenheimer. Better than that.

Listen to this.

Last week I delivered a truckload of salmon

to this country club in Connecticut.

Oh, you should have seen it up there.

Holy mackerel, oh!

It was beautiful.

Quiet streets, picket fences, no graffiti.

I like graffiti.

What else are you supposed to read

while you're waiting for the subway?

There is no subway there.

The people live above ground, in the sun.

I'm happy here. Aren't you?

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, hey, driving a fish truck ain't so bad, huh?

I just wish I could find a job

where I'd get to spend more time with you

and not so many cats following me home at night.

Sounds rough, but it was a bed of roses

compared to life under the Third Reich.

Yeah? What do you mean by that?

Well, Angela's housekeeper was Hitler's sister.

Yeah, if you looked real close

you could see a little black mustache.

[ALL LAUGH]

Come on, come on.

She wasn't that awful.

Angela, it was a reign of terror.

She turned your son into a quivering mass of Jell-O.

That's how it happened.

[LAUGHS]

Ah. Greetings, Frau Hiller.

You again.

Don't you have a home?

Yes, but it's much too pleasant.

So I thought I'd come here for some abuse.

You live like a pig.

Oh, thank you.

Where's Jonathan? He's in the kitchen.

But stay away from him. I just cleaned him.

Well, I'd love to say and chat, but I don't like you.

What's not to like?

Knock-knock.

Who's there? Orange.

Orange who?

"Orange" you glad I'm not Mrs. Hiller?

[GROWLS] [LAUGHS]

Ah! Oh, no! Oh!

She'll kill me!

Oh, Jonathan.

We don't worry about old Mrs. Hiller.

I'll handle her.

Oh, no, Grandma, I love you too much.

[LAUGHS]

Everybody out. I've got to start dinner.

What's that?

It's, um...

Confess. It'll go easier on you.

No, no, Jonathan.

No, I can't allow you to take the rap for me.

I spilled the juice on him.

I don't believe that.

Okay, I poured it on him.

Oh, no!

Hi. Oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Hiller.

Jonathan, did you spill grape juice on your shirt?

No, no.

I poured it on him.

She's lying to protect the boy.

Did you hear that?

She accused your mother of lying.

Are you going to stand for that?

[LAUGHS]

Well, uh, Mrs. Hiller,

you see, actually, my mother has been known to tell the truth.

You think a grown woman would pour grape juice on someone?

I find that hard to believe.

Ah!

[HILLER GASPING]

Well, I'm convinced. What's for dinner?

That's it. Either that tramp goes, or I go.

Mrs. Hiller, that tramp is my mother.

You know, I don't want to say anything,

but I can't believe how lucky you were that I came along.

We were both lucky.

There you were in Brooklyn, looking for a better life

for your daughter,

and here I was in Connecticut,

looking for somebody to run my house

and help raise my son,

and bring some joy back into my...

kitchen.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So how did we get Tony to be our housekeeper?

See, now what happened was...

[PHONE RINGS] Oh, it's working now.

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hello.

Yeah, yeah, hang on, hang on. Hold on.

Sam, it's Bonnie.

She says she's got some very hot news.

Tell her I'll call her back.

ALL: What?

Well, I want to hear this.

Sorry, Bon, she's gonna have to get back to you.

Okay, bye.

Come on, Mona, help me get some goodies.

Hey, what about the story?

Don't go away, we'll be right back.

ANGELA: You heard what he said.

We'll be right back.

Here we come, here we go, here we go.

Tony, I made you some marshmallows.

Oh, well, thank you, Jonathan.

Did you get that recipe from your mother?

[ALL LAUGH]

Okay, we're all here.

Come on, Mone, tell us how you found Dad.

In pretty good shape.

[LAUGHS] Hey.

Actually, he was in the lobby of my apartment building,

and I, um... I kind of ran into him.

[BICYCLE BELL DINGING]

Oh! Whoa!

[LAUGHS]

Hey, nice catch.

Thanks, lady.

I've always been good at catching curves.

Hey, do you happen to know which is the owner's apartment?

Oh, yeah, 405. Oh, thanks.

Are you applying for the manager's position?

Yeah. Oh.

Well, you're going to love managing this building.

And we're going to love being managed by you.

Oh, well, thank you. That's nice of you to say.

But I wish I could convince my little girl of that.

See, I want her to move out of Brooklyn.

She don't want to go, you know?

But I want to move to a better neighborhood,

get a better education,

because these are the most important years of her life.

And why am I telling this all to a stranger?

Yeah, I have that kind of face.

It makes people bare their souls.

Et cetera.

So, what about your wife?

I mean, does she want to move from Brooklyn?

Well, I'm widowed.

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.

Gee, raising your little girl all by yourself

must be an awfully tough job.

Well, I'm awfully good at it.

I come from a long line of fathers.

[BOTH LAUGH]

See you.

Hey, hold the bus.

I've got a perfect job for you.

My daughter is looking for a manager.

Well, of what, a building?

Well, you-- You might call it a building.

We call it a house.

You want me to manage a house?

Well, it's a very large house.

Has four bedrooms, three and a half baths

and a self-cleaning oven.

Oh, wait a minute.

Are you asking me to be a maid?

Well, you could call it a maid.

We call it a housekeeper.

Well, that's nice, lady, but sorry.

You know, I used to play major league baseball.

Guys like me, we don't end up being maids or housekeepers.

Well, Joe DiMaggio, he made some coffee,

but that's as far as it went.

I see.

By the way, who takes care of your little girl?

I do.

Oh, I see.

But you wouldn't stoop to doing the cooking, huh?

Well, tell you the truth, I'm a terrific cook.

Oh, yeah, but guys like you,

you don't do the cleaning and the laundry, huh?

Of course I do. Hey, what do you think,

I can afford a maid?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hate to break the news to you, bub:

you're already a housekeeper.

You're just not getting paid for it.

Yeah, well, yeah, but I'm trying to keep my amateur standing.

Well, all I'm saying is,

why not raise my grandson along with your daughter?

I mean, he needs a guy like you.

Someone caring, someone intelligent.

Someone with 15-inch biceps.

Fifteen and a quarter.

Check it when you get home.

Oh, my goodness, look here.

Here is a picture of my little grandson Jonathan.

Is he a cute kid, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And, uh, this must be your daughter, huh?

Yes.

That's my lovely daughter Angela.

She'd be your boss.

Well, she looks very...

easy to work for.

Hey, look, I'm late for my appointment.

I gotta go talk to the owner.

Oh, you're not going to like working here.

No action.

Nothing but crotchety old matrons with neutered poodles.

Hi, Mona. You coming to aerobics class?

Bring your friend too.

You think she'll let me walk the poodle?

[CUTLERY CLATTERING]

Boy, Dad, you sure make a mean western omelet.

Well, thanks, honey.

Hey, you know, I got the recipe from Pete Rose.

I didn't know you guys were friends.

Well, we're not friends. It was during the game.

He just hit a double,

and while they were changing pitchers

we hung out at second base and exchanged recipes.

He got grandma's eggplant Parmesan

and I got his western omelet.

I was just about to get his bouillabaisse,

but some bum drove him in.

Listen, Sam, I got to say something to you here,

and you may not like it. but in the long run--

Oh, no, not the long run.

Well, it's-- It's for your own good.

For my own good too! I'm dead.

What is it?

Sam, we're going to move to Connecticut.

Connecticut?

Yuck!

Siberia with elm trees.

Come on, Sam, are you kidding me?

We're going to have a great place.

Hey, I got offered a job

as a manager of an apartment building.

We already live in an apartment building.

Oh, but wait a minute, I'm talking about a really nice one.

Okay, it's only one bedroom, but it's got a--

It's got a view of the laundry room.

And there's an aerobics room. And you could take a class.

We'll both take them.

We can make new friends.

I already have friends.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but not like these people.

Are you kidding me? I met this one lady up there.

Madonna mia, what a character.

Hey, she wants us to move into her daughter's house and,

get this, she wants me to be the maid.

[LAUGHS]

Did you say a house?

I never thought we'd live in one of those.

Did you see it?

Yeah, yeah, it was on my way to the Turnpike.

Oh, what'd it look like?

Well, I didn't get a very good look at it,

but it was a two-story, white with blue trim, big yard,

picket fence, Jag in the driveway

and a hoop in the backyard.

Now, now, in the long run that

could definitely be for my own good.

Wait a minute. What are you, kidding me?

You-- It wouldn't bother you to tell your friends

your old man's a maid?

Yeah, well, I would have to give up all the prestige

of saying my dad drives a fish truck.

I don't know. It's--

It's a crazy idea, isn't it?

No.

And you're getting older.

And I think it's about time you had your own room.

Come on, you call that abnormal?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, Mr. Micelli.

I thought I'd be hearing from you.

No. If you want it, the job is yours.

Oh, there's Angela now.

I've got to go. Bye.

No, no, don't worry.

She loves the idea of having a man for a housekeeper.

Or she will just as soon as I tell her.

Come on, darling.

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, Mother. What are you doing here?

Why, Angela, do I always need a reason?

I mean, can't a mother just drop by

to visit her daughter and grandson

and make some long-distance phone calls?

Mother.

How did it go with the child psychologist?

Very well.

We're learning different means to communicate more effectively.

Jonathan, dear, would you and your lizard please go upstairs

so Grandma and Mommy can talk?

No.

Would you like to talk about why you don't want to go upstairs?

No.

Well, Jonathan,

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but if this is the way you want it, go upstairs.

No. Okay. You must have reasons.

Not really, I just wanted to see if you'd cave in.

Bye.

Way to communicate, Angela.

I know he needs discipline, but he also needs love.

You know, it's not easy being a single parent.

Well, what did the psychologist say?

"Get married."

Oh, Angela, why ruin another life?

He said Jonathan is badly in need of a male influence.

Yeah, well, you haven't been getting

much influence yourself lately.

Angela, don't you think it would be wonderful

to have a man around the house again?

No, Mother, the last thing I need right now in my life

is a man.

The first thing I do need, however, is a housekeeper.

Weren't you supposed to find a replacement for Mrs. Hiller?

Yes, I'm trying, I'm trying.

But, um, all the candidates are a sorry lot.

See, I think we have to widen our search.

Expand our horizons.

Think bigger and broader.

Broader than Mrs. Hiller?

Well, all I'm saying is that we have to keep an open mind.

I have an open mind. And a filthy house.

I don't care who you find, just find somebody. Anybody.

Have I got a body for you.

Come on. Don't be nervous, okay?

Get your fingers out of your mouth.

How do I look?

Oh, you look great.

And you got all the fish smell out too.

Good, good. Oh, boy.

Now look, Sam, you just be yourself, all right?

And, hey, it wouldn't hurt if you told Mrs. Bower, you know,

how nice it is up here and how happy you are to be here.

You mean butter her up.

Yeah.

All right, now look, Sam, I want you to be happy.

So if you don't wanna move here, you say the word,

and we're back in Brooklyn like that.

Dad, we gave up the apartment

and loaded everything into a van.

You're not getting cold feet, are you?

Me?

Me getting cold feet? What are you kidding me?

What, am I the first pro baseball player

to become a housekeeper?

Well, maybe I am.

But, hey, what's the big deal? I mean, what about you?

Oh, it sure is a pretty house.

Oh, yeah.

And I think I'd like to go to a school

where the mascot isn't a cockroach.

[LAUGHS]

All right, Sam. Then let's go in there

and we'll give them some of the old Micelli magic.

You know, I think this shiner

is going to give them the wrong idea.

So I'll wait in the van,

and you go in first and made a good impression.

Give them a firm handshake.

Look right in the eye.

And whatever you do, don't tell the pig joke.

Are you sure? It always works.

Let's go. Okay, okay, I'm going.

I said I'm going.

["BRAND-NEW LIFE" PLAYING]

♪ There's a time for love And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life Around the bend ♪

I still remember the look on your face

when I opened the door.

Yeah. It said, "Your troubles are over."

[LAUGHS]

Well, I think all of our lives

have been enriched by this coming together.

Yeah, Tony's taught me a lot of stuff, like this.

[BURPS]

Just making the world a better place.

[ALL LAUGH]

And Sam, you got three bathrooms and your own bedroom.

Hey, so did I.

Yeah, well, I already had my own bedroom,

but you know what I still don't have

that all little girls in Brooklyn dream about having?

My own phone.

Dream on.

Well, I think we're all much happier now that we're a family.

And I think we know who we have to thank for that.

ALL: Yeah.

Me.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Hey, you guys, it stopped snowing. Hey!

We're going to go outside and build a snowman.

Why is it always a snowman?

Let's build a snowwoman.

All right!

Can I build the top part?

Hey, hey!

Well, then, I'd better join them.

They'll need a model.

Hey, what about you?

You gonna go outside and play with the kids?

No, no, I don't think so. I've got a lot of work to do.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got-- I got a lot to do too.

Besides, you get all wet and cold.

Yeah, and your nose runs.

Last one out's a rotten egg.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

My ankle. What happened, what happened?

Gotcha. Oh! Hey, hey!

You learned that from me.

[♪♪♪]