Original subtitles

(Eerie music)

- [Radio Host] Good morning, ladies and germs,

and what a lovely morning it is.

That was, Perfume for Boys with Wednesday My Diary.

Up next is one of my favorite bands

and their new hit single, Cannon Load.

(rock music)

♪ Were back like Venom ♪

♪ A body like steel ♪

♪ Inspect the devil, black sex appeal ♪

♪ Insert the fuels down the little vent hole ♪

♪ Tight in the drums, put in a double load ♪

♪ What ever you do, what ever I say ♪

♪ Let them go baby, hurt in your way ♪

♪ I'm ready for charge ♪

♪ Saint valentines baby ♪

♪ Check out my guns as I blow you away ♪

♪ We might get along if I get a load ♪

♪ We might get along ♪

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

(bell rings)

- Hey Dr. Zartan.

- Hello ladies.

Lovely dancing this morning.

- Thank you.

- Jenny, we really need to talk about your grades.

Why don't you come by my house later

and we'll your D minus into a C minus.

- Yeah, I could probably use the tutoring.

- Me too, Jenny, me too.

Sharon.

You can watch.

- What is he saying?

- Oh, that's Southern.

- Southern, you sure?

I think that's like, like Tunisian or something.

- No, he's definitely a southern man.

I love Southern man.

- Fried chicken, baby.

You're so smart.

You're like that genius Steven B. Gutenberg.

(rock music)

- Hey ladies.

- [Both] Hey Todd.

- Hey sexy ladies.

You like our great beats with music?

- Hey hot canes.

Do you like the milk, yeah?

- I like milk.

- Yeah.

- We gotta get to class.

- Alright, we'll see you fine ladies later.

- Bye ladies.

Bye ladies.

- I gotta get to class.

(bell rings)

(dramatic music)

♪ System, driving the cab ♪

♪ I can't get on prayer ♪

♪ Something holding me down ♪

- Three pages, 13 by Monday.

Make sure you know all the material.

(bell rings)

Sharon, I want to speak with you for a moment.

Sharon, we need to talk about your grades.

- What's up?

- You're getting fat.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Poor girl.

Good morning community college commander.

- Good morning everyone.

How is class today Professor Shipwreck?

- Well funny you should say that.

- Distro and I are having a meeting regarding

next semesters upcoming budgetary constraints!

It would be glorious to see you there!

- Well, I don't know if I can,

but I will make an effort to try.

- Excellent!

Keep up the good work Professor Shipwreck!

- Thank you Community College commander.

- Good day kind sirs.

I look forward to seeing you at the meeting.

(upbeat music)

(Shipwreck crying out)

- Hey ladies.

- Hey.

Todd.

- Hey Sharon.

Nice skirt, where'd you get it?

- Thanks Gary.

I got it at the Gash.

- Really?

- [Sharon] Yeah.

- I didn't know they made plus sizes.

- Are you guys gonna miss Johnson's party on Friday?

- Ah fuck!

Ah fuck!

- Of course we're going.

We knew about this party like a year ago.

You going?

- I just said we were going.

- Yeah, I know.

If you need directions, let me know.

- We've been there like 10 times.

I think we know how to get there.

- Do you think you could give me directions?

- I'll give you directions Todd.

- We'll find it, thanks.

- Whatever Gary.

Later Todd.

- We can't be late for work,

otherwise Ms. Johnson will spank us again.

- Good arm Todd.

Oh fuck.

Is that blood?

- Okay ladies, how you doing this morning huh?

You're looking pretty good.

Pretty good, you are looking good ladies.

Now guess what we're gonna do today?

We're gonna break up into teams of four.

Can you count to four?

One, two, three four.

Great!

That's great.

And you know how we're gonna bring home

the bacon and keep this place open?

I'll tell you how, tits and ass.

Now show me your tits and ass ladies.

Come on, come on, yeah, show 'em off, that's it, that's it.

Very, very good.

Okay, also we're gonna add smiles and winks.

Smiles and winks.

Very, very good.

Now don't forget, we also have to scrub and wax.

Scrub and wax.

Come on ladies, scrub and wax.

Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Okay, looks like we're in good shape.

Sharon, I need to speak to you for a minute.

Everybody else take your positions.

(girls cheering)

Now Sharon, your performance

has been declining a little bit,

you were five minutes late today

and you need to lose weight.

So get out there, shake your ass,

work that tail and make me some money.

Fucking yes, yes!

(upbeat music)

♪ What with these uni's, they're moving bod ♪

♪ Hey where'd you get them ♪

♪ The local woman store ♪

♪ How about some snake skin and bloodied chains ♪

♪ That's the vintage ♪

♪ Oh we're off to war tonight ♪

♪ But we won't fight unless we look tight ♪

♪ We want sexy, sexy civil war ♪

♪ Give me your sexy, sexy civil war ♪

♪ Give me some bullets, strung on my belt ♪

- Can I get the rim job?

Then, I want you to wash my car with your tits.

♪ We rock the world tonight ♪

♪ But we won't bite ♪

♪ Lest we look tight ♪

♪ We want sexy, sexy civil war ♪

♪ Give me your sexy, sexy civil war ♪

♪ We're off to war tonight but we won't fight ♪

- Well hello, Scarlet.

Fancy meeting you here.

I didn't even know girls worked.

- Hi Dr. Zartan.

- It's Dr. Zartan.

- Oh right, sorry.

What can I do for you?

- I'll have a wash and a bikini wax.

- You got it.

♪ We want sexy civil war ♪

♪ Sexy civil war ♪

♪ We want sexy ♪

(dramatic music)

- Hey Dr. Zantar, weren't you just here?

- No, I was mud bogging in Peru.

The indigenous people there are lovely.

Backward, but lovely.

- Okay freak.

- [Woman] What the fuck, motherfucker?

- Hey ladies, how's the washing going?

- Stand back girls.

You're about to get burnt by a white hot thunder.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- Who runs this shit hole?

- Sexy lady, you have strong meat fingers.

Maybe we go for a date and eat meet big taco?

- What the fuck do you want?

- Do you run this place?

I just got outta juvie and I'm looking for a job.

- Oh yeah?

You think you have what it takes to run with my girls?

(dramatic music)

What's your name PYT?

- It ain't Billy Jean, it's Lucy.

- Well I'll see you tomorrow, Lucy.

Now beat it.

(dramatic music)

- That was a killer knife fight, huh?

- Yeah, it was the jam.

- I heard she just got out of juvie.

- I heard that too.

- You know what I heard?

I heard she stole a cigarette truck

and she drove it all the way to Canada.

- I heard she sold drugs.

- I heard she killed a guard in the joint.

- I heard she's a dyke.

- You think everyone's s dyke.

(dramatic music)

- Oh great spirit.

We are trying to contact our beloved friend Portia.

- Portia.

Speak to us from beyond the grave.

- [Woman] Oh my god, it's working.

- Portia, is that you?

Well, if it's not you, who is it?

W-I-L-L.

- Willmina?

- It's William you ham fisted cunts.

- Yeah, she's right, it is William.

L-E-S-C-H-E-N-S-K-Y.

Le what?

Is that French?

- I think it's Polish.

- Yeah, Mercedes is right.

- It's Lashensky.

- Who is that, does anyone know him?

- No way, I hate foreigner.

- Wait guys, it's moving again.

- C-H.

- S?

- That's an E you fucking idiot.

F.

- Chef, are you sure that's not French?

- No, the chef, chef death.

- Oh right, that makes sense.

(dramatic music)

- It's okay, Jenny, he's dead.

He's can't hurt us anymore.

- I know he's fucking dead.

I killed fucking him with a fucking rake.

- With a rake?

- No, she said she raped him.

- [Both] Shut the fuck up.

- How the fuck could she rape him?

- With a rake.

- Oh I get it, with a rake.

Why did you do that?

- I didn't rape him and there was no raping.

- I heard that Lucy raped the guard in prison with a rake.

- I heard that one too.

- Yeah.

- Could you guys shut up?

Sodomy, upsets, Jenny.

- Everybody just shut the fuck up.

It was the last day of school.

My best friend Sharon and I

were gonna have a slumber party at my parents' house.

- With balloons.

- My parents were away for the weekend

and we were gonna have all the girls over

for one last night before everybody went away to college.

We were drinking daiquiris when

all of a sudden this psychotic chef

broke in and started killing my friends one by one.

Sharon went for help.

- And Das tacos.

- I barricaded myself into the garage

and then the chef broke in and we started fighting.

And I raped him with a rake.

- See I told you.

- You guys, why don't you just get going.

I'm gonna calm Jenny down.

We'll see the car wash tomorrow.

- Yeah, see you tomorrow, jam!

(dramatic music)

- Oh, Peaches, it's you.

- Who are you expecting, Dr. Zartan?

- My name is Professor Shipwreck.

We are here today to study astrophysics.

For this class, I will need two volunteers.

You the Neanderthal over there,

you the vixen over there.

And you, fuck you.

Take a can of gasoline.

Now say this can of gasoline represents the sun.

Now we spread a thin line of gasoline

to this ball representing the earth.

- Hey, are you okay after what happened last night?

- I'm still a little freaked out.

It was strange that Dr. Zartan

was in the women's bathroom this morning.

But I guess there was a clog or something in the shower.

In my shower.

- I'm talking about the seance.

- Oh right, yeah.

We should totally talk to Portia about her shoes.

- No, I'm talking about the killer chef,

talking to us from beyond the grave.

- Oh yeah, that was a little freaky.

- Hey, you wanna get some food after class?

- Yeah, let's go to the Luftwaffle Haus.

- Totally.

I want some gehrings cakes and gurgles burgers.

- And that's how babies are made.

Okay kids, I'll see you all on Monday.

Everyone have a great weekend.

Except for you Sharon.

You're gonna have a miserable weekend 'cause you're fat.

(dramatic music)

- Are you going to miss Johnson's party on Friday night?

- I don't know.

Last time I went I woke up in a lock closet

with one of those really weird German guys.

- Was one Ike?

- He's got a really nice mustache.

- Yeah, he does.

So thick and bushy.

Kind of reminds me of my father.

- Oh yeah, your dad does have a nice mustache.

- Hi Todd.

- Hey ladies.

- So we'll see you at the party tonight.

- You bet that outdated shirt we'll be there.

- You're outdated.

- What car did you have to blow

to get that circus tent you're wearing?

- I got this from Skirt City.

- What, what's that?

You found it in a barn?

- No.

- I heard you.

More like shit city.

- You are such a great dancer, Todd.

- I know.

I can give you some tips sometime.

I mean tits.

- Okay.

- Okay ladies.

You like our love moves

'cause we want to blast them inside you.

- USA all the way!

- What?

- You're fat.

- Ladies wanna ride to me to the car wash

in my cool truck my dad bought me?

- Sure Todd, you are so sweet.

- Yeah, but I get to ride the front.

You and the whale can ride in the back.

- Fuck you Gary.

- You're not man enough, honey.

(dramatic music)

- Seriously?

- Yeah, so she like, she like raped him with a rake.

- Honestly, I just don't get the part about the rake.

- You know what I don't get?

Is the other day in class, Dr. Zantan

was saying if I showed him my B's, he'd give me an A.

- It probably has something to do with the metric system.

The Mexicans are using that now in Canada.

- You're right.

You know something else I don't get

was he was saying that he had like

a six inch surprise for me to enjoy.

I mean I was hoping it was like a squirrel or something

because I told him how much I liked squirrels

and then he started talking about his nuts.

- Squirrels do like nuts.

- You're so smart.

- I know, I'm a genius like that

Steven B. Baldwin or whatever.

(women screaming)

- (speaking foreign language)

(woman crying out)

- You're late.

Where's Lady J and Scarlet?

- What do you think I am, their keeper?

- Don't you sass me bitch!

Get over here, get over here.

I'm not done with you yet.

Now don't forget, tits and ass.

- Yeah.

- And fucking elbow grease.

Now get to it.

And I'll just be in my office

trying to find some new fucking hot tail

to cover your friend's asses.

Cause I don't have anything better to do!

When I see 'em at fucking the party tonight,

I'm gonna kick them right in the fucking box, bitch.

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ I don't pass my balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ My fucking balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my balls, don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls, don't bust my balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls, don't bust my balls ♪

♪ Don't bust my fucking balls ♪

- All right ladies, let's hit the showers.

It's closing time.

♪ Bitch ♪

- Where you think you're going babe?

New meat picks up the sponges and the hoses.

- I am really trying to get my grades up to 1.13.

- I really want Todd to get it up to 1.13.

If you know what I mean?

- No.

So are you gonna go to the party tonight?

- Yeah, I want to get a mustache ride from Ike.

- Where would you ride?

- Everything's put away.

- You're okay kid.

See you at the party tonight.

- Thanks Ms. Johnson.

- It's gonna be weird

going back to that house after the seance.

- Yeah, do you think the bikini makes me look fat?

- Yes it does.

All of my friends were butchered there by that chef.

And then Ms. Johnson bought the house.

Don't you think that's weird?

- Yeah, no, that is a little weird,

but I didn't really think about it till last night.

You still wanna go, right?

- The only place you're not fat is where your tits are.

- Yes, I'm definitely going.

I totally need to blow off some steam before finals.

- Yeah, I know what you want to blow or who.

- Shut up.

Well, I am hoping Todd shows up.

God, I heard he has a hard 1.13.

- Yeah, you have small tits.

- Fuck you shitty narc.

- Why do you have to keep bringing that up?

I told you that in confidence.

- What?

That was really scary last night

when we heard that killer chef's voice.

- You don't really believe in that crap do you?

- Actually, well kind of,

I knew of this guy once and he had to have

his house exercised because it was haunted

and the ghost used to just shit all over the place

and not clean up.

- [Woman] Bullshit.

- No, seriously, it's true.

That kind of thing happens all the time.

- Yeah, I know a guy who shit once.

- Me too.

- Are you going to the party tonight?

- Sounds great, can I bring my dad?

- No.

- So y'all coming to the party tonight?

- [All] Yeah.

- Yeah.

- What time are we supposed to be there?

- Seven o'clock sharp.

Now make sure you wear something really hot

and bring some mother fucking tapioca pudding bitches.

- That's weird.

Okay.

- Oh, Ms. Johnson.

I forgot my marking in the locker room.

- Ah, don't worry about it.

Id forget mine too if it wasn't taped right on there.

Now the door's locked, just shut it on your way out.

- Okay guys, I'll see you at the party later.

- Where is my damn marking?

I need it for the party tonight.

Oh, here it's.

(dramatic music)

- Hey everyone, I brought pudding.

- Is this tapioca?

- No, it's chocolate.

- Gimme a beer.

Lonnie, get that balloon up higher.

Let's see, use a chair.

Straighten that streamer.

Show me a beaver.

- What?

- I mean the balloons, the balloons.

Get them right in there, really tight.

Yeah, that's better.

- Hello Peaches.

- Oh, hi Dr. Zartan.

- What have you done with your hair?

It's so much more pubic than I recall.

- Oh, thanks for noticing.

Actually, I'm donating it

to the Americans for Senior Society.

It really boosts the confidence

of some formally redheaded old people.

- Lovely.

Is that what you're off to this evening?

- Oh no, I'm going to miss Johnson's party.

- Oh, are you expected right away?

- No, I don't think so.

- Excellent, can you help me with my groceries?

- Oh sure.

Where are they?

- They're in my bedroom.

- Oh, oh, okay.

- So what did you think about that knife fight?

- Oh, I thought it was shocking

the way that scarf clash of Ms. Johnson's outfit.

- No, I'm talking about the knife fight.

- Right?

I love Michael Jackson.

- No like, like the knife fight.

Like how dangerous it was and everything.

- You know, I really want a monkey.

- Me too.

- Me too.

- Yeah.

- Come on, let's go.

Hey guys, who wants some muffins?

- We baked muffins.

- Well, I'd like some muffin all right,

your muff on my face.

Hey guys, glad you could make it.

Do you want some beer?

- Sure Ms. Johnson, I'm gonna get tore up.

- Good for you.

Now go get it yourself bitch.

(dramatic music)

- You know what happens to naughty little boys, don't you?

Oh, but please sir, I'm not a boy.

I'm a little girl.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- (speaking foreign language)

(dramatic music)

- Ball!

- Todd!

- Shit suck!

- Come down guys, God.

We'll find him, we'll find Todd.

- You douche bags lost?

- What?

No.

- Because it's right here.

- Oh.

Todd!

Hey Todd.

♪ Old flames, died a merciful death I would not be alone ♪

♪ But since you left, all the lights are on ♪

♪ But there's nobody home ♪

♪ There's always tomorrow ♪

♪ But didn't you know ♪

♪ I won't be around to tell you I told you so ♪

♪ It's a way to say ♪

♪ That you still think about me when you're turning away ♪

♪ I've lived enough to know ♪

♪ That the dark days are over and it looks like the end ♪

♪ It isn't right to say ♪

♪ That you still think about me while I'm fading away ♪

♪ You have to let it go ♪

♪ Cause the darkness ♪

(people chattering)

(glass shatters)

- Hi boys.

- What's up ladies?

Heard this party needed some sausage.

- Yeah!

(Gary burps)

(dramatic music)

♪ Looking out of the kitchen door ♪

♪ Don't wanna look no one, don't wanna fight no more ♪

♪ I just wanna get a grip on my unchecked rage ♪

♪ I hate the static on the radio ♪

♪ Hate that my buddies got a right to know ♪

♪ You get it sour now ♪

♪ And you can make lemonade ♪

♪ Now I feel better, now I'm a pretty good rider ♪

♪ I feel a hand on my neck, it's getting tighter ♪

♪ It goes around and it comes around here ♪

♪ I could use another beer ♪

♪ I hear this party down in Hollywood ♪

♪ I hear it on and I feel so good ♪

♪ I never felt so depressed watching the news ♪

♪ You come a long and get a wild ride ♪

♪ nobody even learns to sing screaming the blues ♪

♪ Out on the street everybody going crazy ♪

♪ All dancing like the devils own children ♪

♪ Look down and you frown when it doesn't go your way ♪

♪ Doesn't matter any way ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

- I got these babies from I'm doing two reps a week

with 15 pound dumbbells.

- Wow, that's impressive.

- Yeah, they're my mom's.

She let me borrow 'em when I went away to college.

She uses heavier ones now.

She uses the 20 ponders, but you know what they say.

To get a body like this,

you've gotta use low weight, low reps and not that often.

At least that's what I do.

- Yeah, you look great, like that guy Carl Weathers.

- From Predator?

- You look like a homeless man in a wig.

- Fuck you pig.

- At least his are real.

- Eat a dick tranny.

- I would love to.

- Well why don't you do it then?

- I will.

- When?

- Whenever I feel like it.

- Well, do you feel like it right now?

- Depends.

- On what?

- On your dad's schedule.

I hear he's pretty busy.

- Fuck you.

- Do you wanna go in the hot tub?

- Yeah, let's go.

- You shouldn't go in the hot tub if you're on your period.

- Well, I'm not.

- I'm just saying, my dog is on hers.

- Well, I'm not a dog.

- Really?

- Hey everyone, do you wanna play flip cup?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- You wanna help me move the table?

- You bang my head like Black Sabbath?

- [Woman] What?

- I'll get the cups.

- Hey chubby lady.

I like to show you something.

- Yeah, what do you wanna show me?

- I like to go to the bedroom.

- What do you wanna show me in there?

- I surprise a fat body.

- Okay.

- S'mores everyone?

- [All] Yeah.

- When I graduate I'm gonna go pro.

- Oh really, did you get scouted?

- No, but my resume's tight.

- That's not the only thing that's tight.

- Hey, sex pants.

I bring you here into these rooms to sing my love.

- That is so sweet.

- You ready for magic?

- Okay.

(dramatic music)

- No, no!

(dramatic music)

- I got this one when I fell off my bike.

Some skank shive me in the shower

and last night stubbed my toe.

It really hurt.

- That ain't nothing kid.

You ever hear of the meat reaper?

- Who?

- Chef Death, the guy who knived

all those bitches in this very house.

- Oh yeah.

- The guy who fucking put a hatchet

right here in my fucking chest.

He almost killed me.

- Where?

- Right here, what do you mean fucking where?

Took six surgeons,

72 stitches to put me back together again.

- Wow.

- Hey you wanna touch it?

(dramatic music)

- So what are you kids up to?

- We were talking.

- I just figured you'd want some company.

- Well, I have company, dude.

- How close of friends are you?

- Pretty close, I've known him since high school.

We were shower buddies in football.

- Shower buddies?

- Yeah.

Coach always had us shower with a buddy

in case somebody slipped and fell.

- That's weird.

- Well, I almost fell a couple times

and Gary always caught me.

Could've hurt my throwing arm or something.

So I don't think that's weird.

- You want to look at my George the animal field?

Cock, holy shit!

- You know I got a great fucking deal in this fucking house.

- It is a great house.

- I know it's a great house.

That's what I fucking said.

You're pretty, but you shouldn't talk so much.

- Okay.

- What did I just say?

Fucking hell.

Now there's a fucking multiple homicide in this house.

The same guy that gave me this fucking scar.

Tell you what, it takes more

than a fucking queer in a chef hat

in the fucking chest to take me out.

- Wow.

- Wow is right you pink fuck.

Now go get me a fucking beer.

Shut the fuck up.

- Damn, I missed my mouth again.

- Look what you did you jerk.

You ruined my shirt.

Ms. Johnson, do you have a top I can borrow?

- Sure honey.

There's wife beaters in the bathroom closet.

- Thanks.

- Your mustache is just so cute.

- Yeah, I like yours too.

- So you're the quarterback?

- Second string intermurals.

- He's really good though.

If Community College U had a football team,

he'd be the captain

and we'd go all the way to the Super Bowl.

- You know it Gary, you know it.

- I'd love to come and see you practice sometime.

- Well we don't practice,

but you can watch one of our games.

- Oh, I'll come to a game.

When are they?

- They're every Tuesday and.

And I gotta go.

- I have to go to the bathroom.

- Just go in the hot tub.

That's what I've been doing.

- Ew.

(dramatic music)

- God it's hot in here.

(dramatic music)

- (speaking foreign language)

- Nice erection Todd.

- Thanks, you too.

- Gary was being weird so we had to come in.

He was like peeing in the hot tub

and trying to filate Todd and just acting like a jerk.

- It's okay.

He just misses his mom.

- Oh my God, I'm sorry, is she dead?

- No.

- [Woman] Ow, what the fuck mother fucker!

- Would you fucking shut up and take your top off?

Fuck.

So anyway, I was in the Congo, chief,

and we were surrounded by these gray apes.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- What the fuck am I talking about?

I am talking about you shutting the fuck up

and getting me another beer, bitch.

You're all right kid.

- You chicks wanna see how many pushups I can do?

One, two, three, four, five, six.

- Tell me more about the gray apes Ms. Johnson.

- We were in the Baltic Sea, chief.

Our ship went down.

A thousand men went into the water.

We were surrounded by the gray ape.

How did I know it was gray ape?

Cause there were 20 footers from tail to snout.

And they swam at us

and they would pull us down one by one by one by one.

And you'd just see our buddies go down, get pulled down.

When they came back up, they'd be pantless.

Shirts and their hair, disheveled.

Who knows what horrors went on

in that moon lit sea the night?

Thousand men went down.

316 came back.

- Are you a little tipsy Ms. Johnson?

- Wow, you lived through that?

You're amazing.

- Wow is right you fucking pig.

- That's crazy.

- Crazy?

You wanna know crazy?

Did you ever look into a gray apes eyes?

- One time at the zoo.

- Well they're black.

They're lifeless, they're dead like a doll's eyes.

And when they come at you,

they look at you with those dead eyes

and those pink bow ties with the matching cumber buns

and they're on their tricycles of the apocalypse.

Just like that guy in the black pajamas

in the sticky jungles of Dangnag.

- 108, 109, 110, yeah!

- Yeah.

Hey Todd.

Let's go see what Sharon and those guys are up to.

- When I was in juvie, I used to play jacks for cigarettes.

Nobody could beat me.

I was the best.

- What did I tell you?

Shut it!

What are you guys doing?

- We were thinking of playing seven minutes in heaven.

- Yeah, that's right, we did.

- What's seven minutes in heaven?

- It's when two people go into a closet

with the lights off and whatever happens, happens.

- You take it in the poop shoot.

- I am not going in there with him.

- Me neither.

- I'll go.

- Yeah!

- Who's gonna go in with me?

- Hey, I'll go street meats.

- I guess I'll go.

But on a side note, who's gonna go with Gary?

Back door?

- Yours, not mine.

- Man, I'm fucking starving.

- That's why you're fat and you'll die alone,

you fucking pink whore.

(dramatic music)

(both moaning)

- Billy likey?

(dramatic music)

- I always wanted to make out with a man with a mustache.

Well, you know that wasn't my father.

- Actually, daddy yeah?

Daddy, That's when you call me Big papa.

Yeah USA!

(dramatic music)

(woman screams)

- Ah, sweet amore.

- What's amore?

- It's love kid, it's true love.

- Poop shoot?

- That to.

- I'm bored.

I'm gonna go check on Jenny and Todd.

- More like check on Todd's wang.

- Ya fucking cock block!

So anyway, we were stationed in dar four.

Our truck came to a stop, our tires had been slashed.

Suddenly we were surrounded by the gray ape.

They started brushing up against the truck

with their gray fur rubbing back and forth,

taking all of the polish off of the windows.

It was frightening.

- Oh yes.

Oh yes.

Todd.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh my God!

- Oh my go!

- What are you doing?

- Oh my God!

- [Both] Oh my God!

(both screaming)

- What?

(all screaming)

- Don't use your fucking teeth bitch.

- Sorry.

- Oh yeah, oh yeah.

What's you name again?

(all screaming)

Spit it out!

- He's killed, he's dead!

Somebody killed him to death until he died.

- It's horrible.

He was touching my boob and Sharon was ogling me.

- Only because you were letting a corpse grab your boobs.

- Fuck you.

- Get over here you fucking baby.

Shut the fuck up.

You said there's corpses in my house?

Bullshit, what the fuck to I care, show me them.

- Oh my God, it's happening again.

All my friends keep dying.

- Fuck, let's get outta here.

- Just shut the up you skanky hoes.

You people wouldn't have lasted day in the fucking jungle.

Now just stay here and I will go and check it out.

- Are you okay?

- This is so fucked up.

All my friends keep dying.

Except you, Sharon, you're my best friend.

- Yeah.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

I want some fucking waffles.

- Holy fucking shit, the kraut's dead.

- What are we gonna do?

- We should check on Gary.

He has swimmer's ear.

Okay, troops, let's fall in.

Let's go find Gary.

Let's go.

- Okay.

- Go, go, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.

- I smell onions.

Gary, quit peeing in the hot tub.

I smell onions.

- Gary, stop fucking around, people are dying around here.

- Fuck, another man down.

Medic!

- Oh my God!

- No!

- Let's go in, let's go, let's go.

Let's go, come on.

- Fuck man, fuck.

Game over, man.

Game over.

- Just, just calm down, just calm down.

Ms. Johnson's been through this before.

- Why do you put her in charge?

- Let's get outta here.

Let's get out of here.

- Wait, we need to see what troops are still alive.

We need weapons wimps.

Remember, tits, asses and elbows.

Let's go.

Let's go.

- Okay, we can do it.

- Wait a second.

Gimme a beer bitch.

(dramatic music)

- I'm not pregnant you fucking moron.

Use your head.

(dramatic music)

- Todd.

You go upstairs first.

- Why do I have to go upstairs?

You go upstairs.

- Because you're a man.

- So are you.

- Fuck it okay, I will go upstairs, it's my fucking house.

Just you stay right behind me, you fucking pussies, okay?

And don't you or shit your pants

or I'll kick your fucking ass.

Now let's go.

(suspenseful music)

- Lonnie, are you up there?

Mercedes?

- Gary?

- Gary's in the hot tub you idiot.

- I miss Gary.

- Hey everybody.

Oh fuck!

Why do you do that?

- Shipwreck.

You killed everybody, didn't you?

- Holy St. Theresa, no, I didn't kill anybody.

I was hiding in your closet for hours.

- Well, if it wasn't you, who was it then?

- Fuck, I have no fucking idea.

- This fucking fruit couldn't kill anyone.

Let's go search upstairs.

- Shit.

- Oh my God!

- Fuck me hard in the ass.

- Oh my Gary!

(Shipwreck pukes)

- [Shipwreck] Excuse me.

- Two more fucking swinging dicks down.

Come on, let's go find Mercedes.

- Oops, she's on the toilet.

- Is that bitch dead?

- Someone should ask her.

- I'll go look.

Maybe she's taking a dump.

- No.

I'll ask her.

Mercedes honey, are you okay?

She's not answering.

- I think this skank is fucking dead.

- Go check.

- Oh, Mercedes.

Why couldn't you just be pooing or peeing or both?

Oh no!

- Oh, she's okay then?

- Let's get the hell out of here.

(all screaming) (dramatic music)

(chef crying out)

- What the fuck was that noise?

- He lost his hat.

- That's weird, huh?

(both screaming)

♪ I climb this mountain. ♪

- Todd, get off the fucking bed!

- You can't see me!

- Let's go out the back door.

- You like the backdoor, don't you?

- What?

- Nothing, nothing, it's a good idea.

Let's go privates.

Okay, private, look, we gotta move, we gotta roll out.

- Wait, we can't leave Todd, he has great man cams.

- Fuck him, he's dead weight,

besides, he's got a bad lisp.

♪ Falling down that mountain ♪

(both screaming) (dramatic music)

- I got this.

(dramatic music)

You opened the wrong can of peas, fan hat.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

(dramatic music)

- Look, a butterfly.

You fucking sizzling piece of shit.

(Johnson mumbles)

(dramatic music)

- Come on, you sick dead chef bastard.

I killed you once, I'll kill you again.

(dramatic music)

Come on Todd.

Let's go get some waffles.

- Okay.

♪ If you're gonna survive you gotta live it up ♪

♪ Or else you're gonna die you gotta fight ♪

♪ If you wanna survive, you gotta live it up ♪

♪ Like it world or I ♪

♪ Why life is grab the wheel ♪

♪ Of a young girls drive to kill ♪

♪ Magic mounts and leather glow ♪

♪ While cat purr, go to find love ♪

♪ Just like Vulcan, rich cream ♪

♪ She says you double the vegatine ♪

♪ She took the drugs to F fail ♪

♪ She got caught up in the head as well ♪

♪ You gotta shove ♪

♪ If you're gonna survive ♪

♪ You gotta live it up, rock the dragons eye ♪

♪ Gotta run of you wanna survive ♪

♪ You gotta live it up trick a Spanish fly ♪

♪ Old man asses, he took so many lives ♪

♪ Old man asses, you're making mothers cry ♪

♪ As their sons spit like rain ♪

♪ On the silvery backs of old man asses ♪

(dramatic music)

♪ James was a young boy, his year just 17 ♪

♪ His momma gonna miss him, little Jimmy bean ♪

♪ Jim got his papers, he's off to fight a war ♪

♪ And dance to the drum beat like so many done before ♪

♪ Old man asses, you took so many lives ♪

♪ Old man asses, you're making mothers cry ♪

♪ As their sons spit like rain ♪

♪ On the silvery backs of old man asses ♪

♪ The suns rising up, the dunes still on the grands ♪

♪ Standing at attention with extreme gravitas ♪

♪ The drums begin to beat, the drummer starts to play ♪

♪ Jimmy fiddles with his bayonet and his heart play away ♪

♪ Old man asses, you took so many lives ♪

♪ Old man asses, you're making mothers cry ♪

♪ As their sons spit like rain ♪

♪ On the silver backs of old man asses ♪

(dramatic music)

♪ Old man asses, you stay, yeah ♪

- Hold on, I'm gonna take care of this.

Oh, fuck are you okay?

- Yeah, it's all right, I'm okay to keep it going.

- It really hit him.

Oh my God.

(dramatic music)