Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

- [Man On Radio] The search is on for William Lechinsky

proprietor of the Sausage Party restaurant,

Lechinsky, known as Chef Death has been accused

of murdering several patrons and fleeing the scene

of the crime, so please be careful out there.

Up next is White Liger with The Fight to Survive.

(rock music)

♪ You got to burn burn if you're gonna survive

♪ You got to live it up

♪ Or else you're gonna die

♪ You got to burn burn if you wanna survive

♪ You got to live it up like it's World War I

♪ While I've been grounded wheel

♪ She's hanging on for a better deal

♪ She took the drum to Appleville

♪ She got caught up in a heavy swell

♪ You got to burn burn if you gonna survive

♪ You got to live it up

♪ Rock the dragon's eye

♪ Got to burn burn if you want to survive

♪ You got to live it up

♪ Drinking Spanish fly

♪ Asses to asses neon lights

♪ Oh girl I'll get you wet at night

♪ Little Suzy I'll be your holy man

♪ Just hold tight to my cannon of rail.

♪ White Liger black tie gone

♪ You're the Moses and I think it's gone

♪ What makes his backside bedroom eyes

♪ My day is almost ready for rock time

♪ You got to burn burn if you gonna survive

♪ You got to live it up like a filthy rabbi

♪ You got to burn burn if you're gonna survive

♪ You got to live it up where among those high

(whistling)

- Okay ladies you ready to have some fun?

- [All] Yeah.

- Yeah, now girls are good boys are--

- [All] Bad!

- Okay now we're gonna split up in two groups

can you count that high?

- [All] One, two.

- I need two captains, captains are going to be

Jenny and Pam.

(cheering)

- Odds.

- Evens.

- One, two, three.

I choose...

Sharon.

- I'll take Stacy.

- Okay Ginger.

- Tawny.

- Eve.

(cheering)

- I don't know who to choose.

Suzie!

Will never be on my team.

(laughing)

I'll pick Portia.

(rock music)

♪ I know you want it but now you're gonna get it

♪ And wrap my six in surprise

♪ So fill your taco like I'm senior Papagino

♪ I see the white in your eyes

♪ The class is out and my big bock is roaring

♪ Into your hole I will drive

♪ I want it want it

♪ You got it got it

♪ And now you get it

♪ Baby it's so crazy you made it you saved me

♪ With a savior believe me you changed me

♪ Baby

- Eve, let me show you something hun.

When you take the ball, okay.

You know what I'm saying, you just got to bend.

Bend at the knees.

Oh good, there you go.

Bend, bend, oh and the ball goes up at the same time.

There you go.

Huh, huh, that feels better right?

- Yes. - Feels good?

Want to give it a shot?

- Yes.

- Okay, I'll hold you, come on.

♪ I want it want it

♪ You got it got it

Good.

♪ Baby it's so crazy you made it you saved me

♪ With a savior believe me you changed me

♪ Ride your finger I linger you saved me

♪ Baby

♪ Baby it's so crazy you made it you saved me

♪ With a savior believe me you changed me

♪ Ride your finger I linger you saved me

♪ Baby

(whistling)

(yelling)

- [Coach] To the showers.

(girls chattering)

♪ Baby it's so crazy

- Hey Jenny, can you get my back please?

- Yeah, sure honey.

You know I was thinking since my parents are out of town

and we're gonna graduate soon,

that we should have one last girls night out.

- Oh yeah!

- Yeah.

- We can make s'mores and poppy corn!

- I gonna hang out with Brad tonight.

He's borrowing his dad's station wagon,

and I was gonna let him (mumbling)

- Oh Pam, you're so bad.

- You are.

So bad.

- Come on, it's our last chance to hang out together.

When we're in college we're not gonna have any time.

- [Girl] Yeah.

- Pam, you absolutely have to come.

We're gonna have a sleepover, it's gonna be great.

We're gonna watch scary movies.

- Yeah.

- Play truth or dare, it's gonna be great.

- Well, okay.

As long as Suzie doesn't come,

as long as that smelly whore Suzie doesn't come.

(sighing)

- Oh come on, guys, Suzie's not so bad.

(screaming)

(smack of towel on skin)

- Ow, ow you bitch!

- You're my bitch.

So you going to the party tonight?

- I don't know.

They won't let me go if her parents aren't at home.

- I'll call and pretend to be Jenny's mom.

I do it all the time when I go out to the store.

- Really.

You're so bad.

- You think that's bad?

Wait 'til I swipe some of my dad's beer!

- Yes!

- I'm in too.

- Yeah baby!

(random chattering)

- Be careful out there.

You know they still haven't caught the murderer.

- [Pam] Oh.

(mumbling)

It's two counties away.

- You know, you can never be too careful.

- [Girl] Bye, Miss Johnson.

- You have my number, do you need it?

(chattering)

Remember, if you need anything ladies, just call me.

You know my number, right? 555-6969?

Nice beaver, Ginger!

- What's up ladies?

- [Girls] Hi Todd!

- What are you ladies up to this evening?

- We're having a sleepover at my house.

- And it's girls only.

(sighing loudly)

- That's one fucking sweet beaver,

I'll tell you what.

Damn.

- [Jenny] Sorry fellas, you can't come.

- Oh yeah?

We're having our own sleepover.

Guys only.

With balloons.

Balloons!

Yeah!

And Game Boy, baby!

(clapping of hands)

- Wow.

Alright, cool, we'll see you later!

Have fun.

- Good and bye.

(eerie slasher music)

(upbeat synth music)

(driving rock music)

(panting)

(whack of knife in flesh)

(slasher music)

(gushing of blood)

(gagging and body hitting the ground)

- Hey Ginger!

Nice dip today in class!

You're gonna go pro one day, I know it!

- Thanks Mrs. Johnson!

Have a great weekend!

- I will, you too!

More like pro crack whore.

Skanky fucking bitch.

(eerie slasher music)

(screaming)

- I just got outta prison.

- Oh yeah, for what?

- Statutory.

- You smell like cheese.

- Cheeseburger!

Cheeseburger, thank you.

Cheeseburgers?

(slashing of knife through air)

(squishing of blood and guts)

(eerie music)

(whistling)

(hands clapping)

- Okay.

Speed dial (digital beeping).

Hey, Jennifer, this is Coach Johnson here.

I just wanted to call and see how you're doing.

Your parents told me that they would be outta

town for the weekend so,

I just wanted to see if you guys needed anything.

I will be happy to come over,

I know you have my number, you can call me anytime,

for anything.

And also, I just wanted to mention, I was watching

you guys in the shower earlier today,

you said you have some kind of a party this weekend.

And my memory serves me correctly, I think you said

it was at 57 Linguist Street.

I'd really love to come, just let me know

if you need anything.

I make a very, very good vag, (clearing throat)

I mean, vegetarian nachos (laughing).

I don't eat meat, I swear to god,

and I hope you guys don't either.

And also I make a good quesa--

(ominous music) (screaming)

- Hey, the coach is so silly.

- She totally wants your nappy dugout.

- Oh, that's gross.

She does not.

Let's go get stuff for the party.

(coughing)

(eerie music)

(grunting)

- I've always loved fish.

(mumbles)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I saw you walking just the other day

♪ And I had to laugh out loud

♪ How could anybody take themselves

♪ So seriously I mean come on now

♪ The leaves are falling and it's getting colder

♪ Why is it so hard for you to stay sober

- Oh my god.

Look who's here.

Hi Suzie, what are you doing here?

- Work here.

- Sleezy.

- Not sleezy.

- You know, we're just getting stuff for my sleepover

but, you're not invited, so (laughing).

- Like, can I come to your party?

- No.

Sorry, but you're not invited.

It's just friends only.

- [Sharon] Alright, we gotta go.

You're in our way.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I know you're sitting there you're still

♪ You're freaking telling lies like

♪ It's goin' outta business

♪ Now it relates somehow seeing (mumbles)

♪ Give me satisfaction

♪ Go find yourself a home

♪ You can throw it in 'cause it truly makes you happy

♪ Then go and tell your friends

♪ I was just a prospect for you to get some action

♪ This time (mumbles)

- I know where it is.

- Hi Suzie!

(smacking of foot to body)

Sleezy.

Hey Suzie!

(laughing)

♪ This time I realize I'm outta here

♪ There's no hope left for you it's over babe

(chattering)

(shrieking lightly)

(water spraying)

(shrieking)

- Oh god!

Gross!

Gross.

Ew.

Obsessed.

Ew.

- [Jenny] This is disgusting.

- I know.

Ew, gosh.

What's on it?

That's so gross.

- Ow! (thudding)

- Did you hear that?

- What was that?

- [Sharon] I don't know.

I'm scared.

- Alright, let's (trails off).

Is (mumbles) there?

- I don't see anything.

- I don't either.

I heard something.

- Mr. Robinson!

What are you doing here, you scared me and Sharon

half to death you poo.

- Oh, hello girls.

I was just nextdoor making myself lunch

for tomorrow and I heard your screams.

- What the fuck were you making?

- I was making myself a beautiful sandwich

with peanut butter and grape jam.

Would you girls like to come nextdoor

and have a sandwich with me?

- No thanks, Mr. Robinson. - No thank you.

- Suit yourself.

You're missing out on something big.

You girls should go inside and take a shower together.

You're all sticky, and you might catch cold.

- We will, Mr. Robinson. - We will.

- Goodbye, girls.

- Goodbye.

- [Sharon] He is really creepy.

- [Jenny] Yeah, but he's harmless.

- Yeah?

- [Jenny] Yeah.

- Yeah.

I feel so disgusting.

- Oh me too.

Let's got take a shower.

We're gonna party!

- [Sharon] Yay!

(cheering)

Alright!

(ominous music)

- So Phil was looking kind of good today.

- I know, he really turns me on, I don't know

what to say.

- Oh you naughty girl.

- Please, I'm not as bad as you are.

You kidding me?

You're messing around with everyone's boyfriend.

- [Portia] Not everybody.

Anyway, she doesn't have to know.

- No, she definitely doesn't.

I could keep a secret.

- You will?

It'd be nice if he showed up at the party tonight.

- I know, I don't want it to be a girls night.

Who's deal is that?

- [Portia] Cross our fingers that we get boys.

Hey girl!

- Hey!

How are you guys doing?

Good to see you, get your butt in here.

(smacking of air kiss)

Okay, for you, I got some nice rum!

- Yeah!

- And, streamers.

You can be on this.

- Okay.

- Yay!

- Okay, wait, hands in.

Ready,

- [All] One, two, three, go Wildcats!

(upbeat punk rock music)

♪ It was on the shore

♪ Just a huntin' for a whore

♪ Waiting until the moon was right

♪ He was sitting in his slime

♪ Just a waiting for the time

♪ When the day turns into night

♪ Well the hooker came along but the snail was long gone

♪ And he really should've stayed

♪ 'Cause he went up to the rocks

♪ And got caught up in my socks

♪ That was his dying day

♪ Hey, ho, the snails's in the grass

♪ The moral of the story is watch your ass

♪ Hey I'm a snake in the grass

♪ Moral of the story is watch your ass

♪ Hey

♪ Now the snake had a date so he stayed up really late

♪ And he woke up at 11 AM

♪ Well he saw her nasty face (mumbles)

♪ And decided they would just be friends

♪ Well he went his merry way doing the slither

♪ Of shame

♪ He would have no one but himself to blame

♪ But now he wandered up the hill

♪ Tryin' to get his feely feel

♪ And (mumbles)

♪ Hey ho, the snail in the grass

♪ Moral of the story is watch your ass

♪ Hey hey, now the snake's in the grass

♪ Moral of the story is watch your ass

♪ Hey

♪ Now the (mumbles) almost done

♪ But there's still another one that we've

♪ Got to tell you all about

♪ So if you're worried about the bird

- Here's to you, cheers to hotness!

♪ Now the snake's out cold

- Hello?

Hello?

Mom, dad, hello?

(eerie music)

(upbeat rock music)

(screaming)

- Ah huh, fuck yeah!

- Alright, place looks bitchin'!

Good job, Ty.

- Thanks bro.

My parents are gone for the night so we can get wild.

- Fuck yeah!

(cheering)

- (mumbles) Our beers, and let's break out the Parcheesi.

- Parcheesi?

That's fucking stupid.

Play poker

(cheers of agreement)

- Texas Hold 'Em.

- [Guy] Fuck yeah!

- Guys, I don't have any cash with me,

can we play some...

Strip poker?

(laughing)

No, seriously, I don't have any cash on me.

(upbeat rock music)

(cheering)

♪ You're on your own

♪ Look in to your spirit

♪ Well I can take you

♪ To the deepest of lows

♪ Rise up above those feelings

♪ You got to make it happen

♪ Beware there's a storm tomorrow

♪ You got to make it happen

♪ Live life like there's no tomorrow

♪ It's time to dig deep

♪ You're burning harder every day

♪ Reaching out for something higher

♪ You got to make it happen

♪ Live life like there's no tomorrow

♪ You've got to make it happen

♪ Live life like there's no tomorrow

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

- Fucking see what Jane was wearing last night?

- Yeah, it was so out of season.

- Anyway, Busey,

talking 'bout you could see her nips.

♪ Nip nips

- It was totally out of season.

- Anyway, I was checking out Pam today.

I usually like 'em bitchy or something.

- I'm in shock too, here her boyfriend's a dick.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I heard her boyfriend has got a big dick.

- Is that fodder?

- Just sayin', that's what I heard.

- I heard that too man.

(hands clapping)

- Seriously?

You might have a shot with her.

You're fucking hot.

- Thanks, I guess.

- S'mores everyone!

(cheering)

(hands clapping)

- [Guy] I love s'mores!

- Sweets.

- Fucking love s'mores!

- Yeah, this is my mother's recipe.

- Cool, thanks Coach.

- Grab a seat.

- Oh yeah, cool.

Yeah.

- Here Coach, take mine.

- No, no, no.

The white stuff's marshmallow.

Yeah, so tomorrow.

Practice two o'clock.

Right?

- Okay.

Hey coach, I was thinking,

maybe we could go on the field

and practice some of our plays before we hit

the showers.

- [Coach] Football is number one.

Numero uno!

We need to concentrate!

- Yeah!

- Fuck yeah!

- We need to dedicate.

We need to predicate!

- We need to masturbate!

- [Guy] Yeah!

Woohoo!

- [Coach] Everybody cuddle!

- [Guy] You mean huddle?

(chattering)

- [Coach] Ready?

- [All] One, two, three, go Wildcats!

(laughing)

- [Guy] Yeah guys, yeah!

- [All] One, two, three, go Wildcats!

(cheering and chattering)

- [Jenny] Girls, get ready for the time of your life!

(cheering)

- [Girl] Come on Wildcats!

Left foot yellow.

(chattering)

(laughing)

Left foot green.

(girl mumbling)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ It's like this

♪ Are you ready for the old (mumbles)

♪ What are you waiting for

♪ It's time to go

♪ Don't wash your jeans for seven weeks

(girls screaming and laughing)

- Right hand blue!

- Whose hand's on my ass?

- Sorry dude,

I was gonna fall.

- Please (mumbling)

Fuck!

What the fuck are you guys doing?

- What?

You said you were gonna fall.

- Game over, fuckers.

(laughing)

(80s style rock music)

♪ My heart starts racing

- What the fuck?

- Come here, come here, come here.

Calm down.

Have a beer, really.

- Thanks, man.

Sorry, I just don't know the rules.

- It's only a game.

Come on, we're all friends here.

- Yeah, right, whatever.

So then I don't remember playing like this when

I was five.

- I do.

- So I mean, if you wanna do something else,

you can, you know...

French and--

- What the fuck are you talking about?

(laughing)

- I was just joking, I was just joking.

- Fuck!

- Come on, come on, seriously.

Why don't we play some spin the bottle?

- Hey you guys want to see what the girls are doing?

It's like a fucking sausage party over here.

(mumbling and crunching)

- Yeah.

Come on guys.

- Listen, it's the last night before we graduate.

You don't want a bunch of girls getting in the way.

- Seriously.

- I mean, what do they have that we don't anyway?

- Vaginas for one.

- We got s'mores and balloons.

Twatser.

- I don't wanna play fucking Twatster!

- Me neither, dude.

- I'm with you.

We need to score Pam!

(cheering)

- So you're just gonna up and leave?

I mean, we made s'mores and shit.

- Dude, I've already had like eight of them.

- Me too man, they're my favorite.

- Me too, that's why I made them.

- They're really awesome.

- But hey look, why do we, we'll try to bring

back some pussy!

- [Both] Yeah! (cheering)

- Yeah, whatever, just come back.

- Yeah, seriously, can you just, can you come back?

- [Guy] Did you just cum on my back?

- [Other Guy] Alright, later!

- Fuck yeah!

Glad we got outta that sausage fest!

My ass hurts.

- You know what, the fucking s'mores are great and shit,

but I'm really tired of the fucking immaturity,

you know what I'm sayin'?

- Yeah, I know.

I'm tired of all that macho bullshit.

Fuck that.

- Let's just go see what the girls are doing, man.

Maybe we can go watch 'em make out or something.

- Fuck yeah!

- Well, what do we do now?

- We can watch a film.

- What'd you got?

- Pirates of Penzance?

- What's that?

- Pirate musical.

- Sweet!

(hands clapping)

(ominous music)

- The last piece.

Yes!

(clicking of nails on floor)

Totally righteous puzzle!

Hey! (screaming)

Kitty, you poop, you scared me half to death.

Oh, you ruined my puzzle.

Kitty, you're my only friend.

I wish I was popular like Jenny.

I wonder what they're doing right now.

They're probably drinking and talking about boys

and shaving each other's winter bush.

(upbeat punk music)

(chattering)

- [Radio Announcer] Police have discovered the body

of an 18 year-old female in the woods

behind the Stone Lady Cemetery.

Mere blocks from Hail Manor High School.

The young girl was disemboweled and her intestines

have yet to found.

She was identified as Eve Kindle.

- You don't have a boyfriend?

(chattering)

(shrieking)

- God, oh my god!

Sharon, I can't believe you did it!

(shrieking)

(laughing)

- Oh come on (mumbling).

(shrieking)

♪ Counting ceiling tiles for fun

♪ Worst get out the way

♪ It's okay boy

♪ See your dirty t-shirt

♪ Loose another day

♪ Down in your basement

♪ I feel lucky boy

♪ Say I feel lucky boy

♪ I don't wanna spend my life in therapy

♪ Oh therapy

♪ 10 o'clock I'm late for the show 'cause

♪ I'm in therapy

♪ Oh therapy

♪ Down here

♪ Nothing's different

(water splashing)

- How is it?

- Nice.

♪ Although the best is yet to come

♪ Go and call your friends

(water splashing)

- [Girl] It's so hot.

(clanking of metal)

- What's that?

(eerie music)

Still cooking?

Mr. Robinson?

(bright dinging of knife blade)

(thud of leg hitting ground)

Mr. Robinson, did you kill a deer or something?

Hey Mr. Robinson, you have any more of those

candy necklaces?

I'm almost out.

- So, Pam tell us about Brad.

Dela says he has a huge doyng.

- Let's just say it's more than a mouthful.

(giggling)

- You're such a skank, I can't believe it.

- What, like you've never had a cock in your mouth?

- No, actually I'm a virgin.

(laughing)

- Yeah, and I'm Mother fucking Theresa.

(laughing)

- Mr. Robinson?

Mr. Robinson, you're so gross!

(slasher music)

(blood curdling scream)

(thud of body hitting the floor)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ You fake it so good

♪ Doing wrong wherever you should

♪ Cuttin' girls way deep in their hearts

♪ You're churning and burning all the way down

♪ Is someone gonna tell you

♪ I don't wanna be holding you down

♪ And if they creep in

♪ I'll make it so they can't hear a sound

♪ Everybody love Bruce

♪ I love Bruce

♪ I sit next to Gary it's Bruce

♪ Little bees

♪ My kids knees

♪ I'm gonna make your neck bleed

♪ I'm back and he's Brad

♪ He's rocking my Cadillac

♪ You're Bruce

♪ Oh Bruce

♪ Everybody gotta fuck Bruce

- Guys, I wanted to kill Mr. Nelson today.

He kept looking up my skirt, and then licking

his lips after.

- Oh, that is gross.

He's like 30!

- I wouldn't mind if Mr. Cocktoast looked up my skirt

- He's so cute.

He drives that little Porsche.

- You are so gross right now.

I can't stand it, ew!

- I'd bend over for a ride in his Porsche.

- Please, guys, speaking of bending over,

did you guys see Phil at football practice today?

(laughing)

- Off Sharon, he's got the hots for Pam!

- Oh!

- You guys!

- Come on, Pam.

He's cute.

- Well as long as Brad doesn't find out.

- Are you guys in love?

- No!

He has a pendulous wang (high pitched squealing).

- Gross!

- Dela keeps saying that.

- So does Gary!

♪ Got to fuck Bruce

♪ Got to fuck Bruce

♪ Got your feet on the ground

♪ And thump him all around

♪ I make him (mumbling)

♪ Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

(clanking of chain and water splashing)

(clapping)

- Your headlights are on.

- Shut up cunt (mumbles).

- You're the one acting a little butch today.

- Fuck off.

Can someone get me a drink please?

- Here ya go, slut!

- Thanks whore.

- Who is that you guys?

- Portia, go check it out.

- You do it, I'm not your concubine.

(man screaming)

(girls screaming)

- You scared the poop outta me!

- Fucking A right!

- Ladies mind if we join you?

- I'm not supposed to have boys over, you guys.

- Well, we heard there was a party and we wanted

to stop by to (mumbling).

- Fucking right we wanna hang out with our wang!

- Alright, you can come in, but just for a little bit.

- Sweet meat!

- Hey, you guys want drinks or some shit?

Something fruity?

- Fuzzy navel?

- Whatever.

I'll go make it.

- Feast on this!

- You know--

- Fuck yeah!

- Pam wants Phil's body.

- Fucking awesome!

Phil was just talking about Pam's poop poppy tits.

- [All Girls] What?

- I can't find the fruity shit!

- I'll help him.

- Yeah, sure you will!

- Yeah.

- Hey!

I can't find the fruity shit!

- Need some help there, quarterback?

- Oh.

I'm not the quarterback.

That's Todd.

- Whatever, tight end.

Can you make me a drink?

- Yeah, I can make you a--

I'm not the tight end either.

- Looks tight enough from where I'm standing.

Let me help you.

Here, silly.

- Thanks.

- Well, can you at least get me a glass?

- Yeah.

Where are they?

- Behind me, silly.

- Oh.

Here you go.

- Well we better go back out there.

They're gonna think that you're trying to take

advantage of me.

- Okay!

Just gonna get rid of this boner first.

First.

- Buddies, buddies, buddies.

- You're all the best.

(slapping hands rythmnically)

(chattering)

- So what do you guys wanna do now?

- I don't know.

- Go to the arcade, play some Pac Man or something.

- Can have a sword fight.

- I'm right there, man.

Alright, hold on.

We can go skinny dipping.

- [All] Yeah!

(hands slapping)

- So how long have you guys known each other?

- (giggling) Since we were seven.

- Have like sleepovers?

- We're like inseperable.

(giggling)

- Yeah I work out a lot.

I like to look good.

I can tell.

(car horn honking)

- Shit.

Probably my mom checking up on me.

- It's her boyfriend.

- So Phil, would you like to drive a Porsche?

Yeah?

- You guys look so relaxed.

- [Both] Mmhmm.

- So natural.

(giggling)

(mumbling)

(giggling)

Fuck yeah!

(engine roaring)

(upbeat punk rock music)

(gasping)

- I missed you.

You and your huge joint.

- Me too, baby.

Why don't you give Billy D a kiss?

- Your what?

- My Lionel Richie?

- Your what?

- My junk!

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- Gimme a blowst.

- Oh.

- Why did you call it

your Billy D? - Shut up

and gimme a blow job.

(giggling)

(upbeat punk rock music)

(grunting and moaning)

- [Pam] Baby, are you crying?

Are you (shrieking).

- Did you guys hear that?

- It's nothing. (screaming)

Keep kissing.

(blood curdling screams)

(thudding)

- Seriously, I heard something.

- Yeah, me too.

Did it sound like Pam screaming?

- She's probably just getting a taste of Carl Weathers.

- Who?

From Predator?

- No guys, seriously, we should go check it out.

- It's fucking nothing.

You girls keep making out.

The fuck.

- No dude. - No.

- We should check it out.

- Fine, Phil, fucking cop out.

Fucking look like a predator.

Schmuck.

Fuck!

(giggling)

Yeah Brad,

fucking A gotta be right!

- Looks like she's got a mouthful of Shaft, hey Phil?

- Whatever.

- Hey you guys, break it up.

- Fuck yeah!

(blood curdling screams) (slasher movie music)

(blood curdling screams)

(blood curdling screams)

(smack of palm to face)

- Get a hold of yourself!

Pull your pants up!

Everybody get a hold of yourself.

- Okay.

- Okay, we need to stick together.

- Okay.

- The first thing we have to do, we have a lock

all the doors and the windows, everybody!

I'm gonna call the cops.

Hello?

It's dead.

Oh my god, the phones are dead.

(screaming and crying)

Okay, I need cell phones.

Somebody find me a cell phone.

- My battery's dead!

- I don't have any bars on mine.

- Just dial the fucking phone you fucking whore!

- I'm not a whore, you asshole!

(screaming)

- I have to prepay.

Do you have any minutes?

- On peak or off?

- Just so we can just dial the fucking phone!

- Okay!

Oh my god!

There's a murderer trying to murder us!

Oh my god!

And our friends are dead!

What?

Is this the police?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Shit.

Wrong number.

Ginger!

(knocking on the door)

- It's the killer!

It's the killer!

Wait, why would the killer knock on the door?

- But don't answer it, it's him!

- It's me, Suzie!

From school!

Let me in!

- Who the hell is Suzie?

- The killer's name is Suzie?

- Come on, let me in!

Mr. Robinson's dead!

- Oh yeah!

Now you're Mr. Robinson, right?

- That's not what she said, she said she killed

Mr. Robinson!

- There's more than one person out there?

(knocking on door)

- It's Suzie!

I'm in your gym class!

We played volleyball today?

- Doesn't ring a bell!

- No one picked me and you guys all told me that

I smelled in the shower, you threw a used tampon

at me.

- [All] Oh yeah.

- What are you doing over here?

You're not invited!

- We're not gonna let her in, are we?

- No!

- You guys there's a murderer out there.

We have to.

- How do we know she's not the fucking murderer?

- We didn't say you could come in.

- It was open.

- You forgot to lock the door!

- I guess I didn't know.

- It's not important.

We might have to call the police.

People are being killed here.

- Who threw the tampon at me?

- Know what, the phones are dead.

I can't find my phone.

And...

It was me.

- You did?

Really funny.

- Thank you.

You're so sweet.

- [Phil] You're the sweet one, baby.

- You guys, Suzie's right.

We have to get help!

And somebody lock the goddamn door!

- Yeah!

- Somebody else with Y chromosomes.

- Let's go make some daquiris.

- I'll help.

- Can I have some water?

- You know what, the toilet's in the bathroom.

- Right, I gotta whiz.

Still not working.

- I can take pictures, play games, surf the net,

but I can't fucking make a phone call.

- You guys, we have to get help.

Somebody's gotta make a run for it.

- I'll go.

I'm hungry anyway.

I wanna hit Das Tacos.

- Okay, it's settled.

- So does that mean I get to stay with you guys?

- Anyway, we need to grab weapons.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- My dad, he owns a yacht.

- Oh I love yachts.

Are you serious?

- Yeah.

Oh.

Hey, we were just making some dickery.

Cock--

Would you like?

Would you like a daquiri?

- We have to get weapons.

Sharon's going to get help.

- Yeah, and Das Tacos.

Are you guys hungry?

They have this great deal right now, you get

a seven pound burrito for 49 cents.

- Is it after 11, because if it is it's like a 1.89

or something.

- Wait, that's not the point.

Sharon has to get help.

Now we know Mr. Robinson's dead, so just to be safe,

go down three blocks to the K-Hole convenience store.

- Okay.

- And get help.

- Okay.

- Oh, oh, oh, if you're going though, can you get

me a loof waffle, and an Ein chimichanga with kraut?

- Sure! - Go to the damn K-Hole!

- Okay.

Come on.

Alright, come on guys.

Stand behind me, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

Do you want hot sauce?

(ominous music)

- Is it safe?

- See, there's nobody out here!

(screaming)

(squish and thudding)

(screaming)

- Shut up!

Shut up, everybody.

Lemme think.

(whimpering and mumbling)

- No!

- That was definitely Mike that Sharon stabbed repeatedly.

- Someone should go out there!

- You can't go out there, there's a killer out there!

- The killer out there is Sharon.

- Shut up, nerd!

Sharon's no killer!

- I was just saying.

- Oh yeah, well you weren't even invited.

- What difference does that make anymore?

- She wasn't.

- Just shut up!

Okay?

Phil, why don't you go out there and see if your

good friend Mike is dead.

- I'm not going out there.

- Phil, I'll go with you, okay?

Okay?

Why don't we both go out there?

- Fine.

- We'll see if Mike is dead.

(ominous music)

- Is it safe?

(screaming)

(sobbing and wailing)

Fuck, fuck!

It was definitely Mike.

(sobbing)

- I hope Sharon's okay.

- I hope she gets help.

- I hope she brings Das Tacos because

I'm fucking starving.

(sobbing)

Get it together, get it together man, fuck!

Get it together man!

You're cool, you're cool, you're cool.

(groaning and smacking of skin)

I will rock you.

I will rock you.

I will rock you.

Shaka Khan let me rock you.

(loudly exhaling)

(shrieking)

(eerie music)

(smack of palm on face)

- Cut it out!

(sobbing)

- It's Portia, she's dead!

- What?

- She's dead, she's dead!

- Are you sure she's not just doing number two?

- No.

- Phil, what happened?

- (sobbing) There's blood, everywhere!

- Did you kill her?

- No I fucking didn't kill her, you're not even invited!

- What are we going to do, seriously what are

we going to do?

- We have to make a plan.

- That's stupid.

- We really should make a plan, guys.

- [Everyone But Suzie] Okay.

- Now Sharon's gone to the K-Hole to get help,

what we need to do, we just need to stick together,

and everything's gonna be fine, okay.

- We don't know if Sharon's going for help,

we don't even know if she's alive!

(sobbing) I need a daquiri.

- You know what, Phil's right.

We all need daquiris.

- I'm going to make them.

- Thank you.

- Is anyone else freaked out that Mike's dead out front?

And Portia's dead on the toilet?

- Oh my god, you're right!

What if I want to use the bathroom?

- No!

No, daquiris.

(Parody of "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith)

- So the other day at school, Debbie was talking

shit about me and I elbowed her in the left tit,

it's really funny.

- Wow, really?

- Yeah, and Portia was like, "You're like Wonder Woman".

And I said, "No, you're like Wonder Woman because

"you're the one with glitter on their shoes."

God, those were great shoes.

Did you see them?

- No.

I like shoes.

- I totally wanted to borrow them, but you know,

I can't now.

Well, maybe I can.

- Yeah.

Let's French.

- Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

What about you and Pam?

- Well, I really still think we should get help,

but to answer your question, I'm definitely planning

on going to college, I'm just not sure which one yet.

- Guys, what the hell is wrong with you?

Jenny, you know we need to get everyone together

and get the fuck outta here.

- You're right.

Okay everybody.

Grab your weapons.

We're gonna go to the police station together.

- I'm not going out there!

You fucking crazy?

My best friend Mike was murdered out there.

There's a murder out there an I'm not going!

When they do crunches, they stick out (mumbles).

- Ooh, that's nice.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

Sharon killed Mike, and Portia is dead

in the bathroom, which means the killer

is in here!

(gasping)

- Oh my god, you're right!

Portia was killed in the fucking house!

- So the killer's in the house?

- We gotta get the fuck outta here!

- That's what I've been saying for the last hour!

- Shut up nobody's talking to you.

You weren't even invited!

- No seriously you guys, we have to get out of here now,

grab a weapon, let's go!

(upbeat rock music)

- [All] One, two, three, go Wildcats!

- Can't find my knife.

(gagging)

- Ew gross, what the fuck is your problem?

(choking)

(shrieking)

- Bonjour.

(screaming)

Tres bein.

(screaming)

(driving rock music)

(screaming and wimpering)

(screaming incoherently)

- [Jenny] No way, the killer's out there!

- Come on, if we stay out here long he'll kill us!

(driving rock music)

- You weren't even invited, why don't you just

go home!

- Come on Ginger, open the goddamn door!

- [Ginger] Okay, okay!

(driving rock music)

- Hurry he's coming!

- [Jenny] We almost got it, we almost got it!

This is so heavy!

(driving rock music)

- He's gonna fucking kill us, open the door!

(grunting)

- [Jenny] We're almost there!

(scraping of knife blades)

- He's almost here!

He's gonna fucking kill us!

(panting and screaming)

(blood curdling screams)

(driving rock music)

(shrieking)

(driving rock music)

- Come on, Debbie!

Go in the garage!

(screaming)

♪ Yo quiero Das Tacos

♪ Neccissito Das Tacos

(driving rock music)

(screaming)

(banging)

(driving rock music)

(screaming and crying)

- Go Wildcats!

- Now serving...

A table for two.

- You leave us alone or you'll be sitting

in as the mime!

(buzzing of chainsaw)

(screaming)

(squirting of blood)

- I'm gonna rip the shit outta you, Frenchie!

(upbeat rock music)

(clanging of wood and metal)

(happy Mexican music)

(upbeat rock music)

(clanging of wood and metal)

(screaming)

(grunting and punching of wood into flesh)

(grunting)

(squishing of blood and guts)

You fucker!

(grunting and squishing of blood and guts)

(dramatic music)

(upbeat electronic music)

- You know what I like about high school boys?

- What's that Coach?

- I keep gettin' older,

and they stay the same age.

Come back, Shane.

(upbeat electronic music)

- So listen, me and the guys are thinking like,

the penultimate super band, alright,

and like, dude, everybody knows that Europe and Asia

are like the bands.

- Yeah. - Know what I mean?

- Yeah.

- So, are you ready for this?

- This is the name of the band.

Eurasia.

- Yeah!

- Huh?

- Yeah!

- Bring it!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(softly whispering)

(upbeat electronic music)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ You gotta run

♪ If you're gonna survive

♪ You gotta live it up

♪ Or else you're gonna die

♪ You gotta fight

♪ Fight

♪ If you wanna survive

♪ You gotta live it up

♪ Like it's World War I

♪ White lightning run with

♪ (Mumbling)

♪ Magic Mountain let it love

♪ Wildcat (mumbling)

♪ It's like bulkhead (mumbles)

♪ She's hanging (mumbling)

♪ She took the drum to Appleville

♪ She got caught up in that as well.

♪ You gotta fight

♪ If you're gonna survive

♪ You gotta live it up

♪ Rock the dragon's eye

♪ Gotta love

♪ If you wanna survive

♪ You gotta live it up drinkin' Spanish Fly

♪ Ashes to ashes neon lights

♪ I'll gun like it's your wedding day

♪ Little Suzie I'll be your holy man

♪ Just hold tight to my caliber ram

♪ White Liger black tiger

♪ You're (mumbling) to my Ghengis Khan

♪ Oh man she's backside

♪ Bedroom eyes

♪ My jig is almost ready to rock tight

♪ You gotta fight

♪ Fight

♪ If you wanna survive

♪ You gotta live it up

♪ Like a filthy rabbi

♪ You gotta burn

♪ If you're gonna survive

♪ You gotta live it up wear a bolo tie

(dramatic guitar solo)

(bass solo)

♪ No no no

♪ Fight

♪ No no no

♪ Fight

♪ Fight fight fight

♪ You gotta fight

♪ Fight

♪ If you're gonna survive

♪ You gotta live it up like a kidney pie

♪ You gotta burn

♪ Burn

♪ If you wanna survive

♪ You gotta live it up I'm with the FBI

♪ You gotta burn

♪ Burn

♪ If you're gonna survive

♪ You gotta live it up that's a tse tse fly

♪ You gotta burn

♪ Burn

♪ If you're gonna survive

♪ You gotta live it rock the dragon's eye

♪ Get me higher yeah

♪ You gotta live it up

(dramatic eerie music)

(whooshing of metal through air)

(dramatic eerie music)

(slow rock music)

♪ Longer than there's been nipples on the ocean

♪ Higher than any pen ever wrote

♪ Longer than you've been all sixes and sevens

♪ Sapphire and dungaries

♪ Stronger than any seam busting trunk calls

♪ Truer than any shit skin treboo

♪ Deeper than a rapport with the Devil

♪ Sapphire and dungaries

♪ (Screaming incoherently)

♪ A long time ago

♪ Take me to your castle far away

♪ Through the years as as the blues start to yellow

♪ Fading lines in the crook of our wives

♪ Though the grinding that raging white jello

♪ Sapphire and Dungaries

♪ Sapphire and Dungaries

- Good shouting.

- [Man] Thanks asshole!

- [Man Two] Cut it, shut.

- [Man] Cut?

Alright, you're gettin' ready?

- [Woman] His mic is good?

- [Man] His mic is good.

Action!

(door creaking)

- Sorry, let me.

- [Man] Keep going.

- [Director] Rolling!

Action!

- I'm glad we got outta that sausage fest.

My ass hurts.

(laughing)

- [Director] Action!

(door creaking)

- Glad we got outta that sausage fest,

my brown feels violated.

(laughing)

- [Man] Stop being so funny!

- It was in class, right, and Jessica, right,

she passed a note to me, and it was about you.

(thud and clanking of glass)

- Fucking shit, bro.

(laughing)

- [Mike] Yeah, fuck yeah!

- Dude, (mumbling).

(thudding)

- You need to rub it.

- No, get away from me.

(laughing)

- [Mike] Fuck yeah!

(beat boxing)

♪ My mother said don't make this movie

♪ But I'm here in a basement groovin'

(beat boxing)

♪ Work it

♪ Work it

♪ White Liger

♪ White Liger

♪ Do the Wildcat

♪ Wildcats

(beat boxing)

♪ On three, one, two, three

♪ Go Wildcats

♪ Go Wildcats

♪ Wildcats

♪ Wildcats

♪ Break it down

♪ Break it down

♪ The best

♪ The best

♪ The best

♪ The best

♪ Wildcats

♪ Wildcats

♪ You thought we were done but we weren't

(laughing)