Original subtitles

[jaunty theme plays]

[jaunty theme ends]

[swinging jazz music begins]

[swinging jazz music ends]

[faint wind blows]

[car honks]

[keys jangle softly]

[sound of bubbling hot tub]

Well gentlemen, gentlemen.

Come on in, come on in.

Listen I want to thank you all for coming here.

I know it isn't our usual kind of meeting place,

but you know the walls have ears every place…

so eh, it doesn't hurt to be a little careful, you know what I mean?

So come on in, you guys ought to be used to hot water by now, eh?

[cackles]

Listen while we're at it, it wouldn't hurt none of you to…

get some of the muscle toned up there, you know this thing really works.

[laughs amiably] How are things in Boston, man, eh?

Yeah, Saint Louis's still there, isn't it.

-[man] So, how's Trish, Joe? -In New York everything's all fine, eh?

I still see the sons of Miami there!

-Hey. -Oh, hi.

-[man groans] -[water splashes]

[all laugh]

-[man 1] Woo! -Las Vegas.

[man 2] A rubber duck.

[laughter]

Isn't that nice, eh? Well, listen.

I'm going to tell you what this is all about.

You know throughout the years we've had our little problems.

Finding a place for us to invest our, eh…

How am I going to call it? The excess profits, you know what I mean?

Well… I think I've found such a place.

Yeah? Where?

A Swiss bank.

Are you crazy?

A Swiss bank won't touch our action with a ten-foot pole.

Well I finally found one who's dying to do business with us.

[man] Yeah? Whose?

Ours.

Well, don't you get it? We go out and we buy

our own Swiss bank.

Joe, what if they find out?

Look, don't worry.

I got us a perfect front man. He's a prince.

A Swiss prince?

The Swiss don't have princes, dummy.

He's an Italian, like everybody else.

And he's a hundred percent trustworthy.

And he's the guy who found the bank.

Is he gonna run it for us?

I already told you, didn't I? He's just going to be front.

I'm sending in my own man. He's a first class operator.

You all know Doc Fletcher, don't you?

Doc Fletcher? Isn't he the guy running the action for you?

Oh, he's a goddam fag, for Christ's sakes.

He's not a fag, he's just English.

What's the difference? He still ain't one of us.

Well, maybe not, but he made me a fortune in the market, didn't he?

Okay.

Who's in on the deal?

[hot tub bubbles quietly]

[faint jazz music]

Hi, Doc.

The answer is no, Doc.

I put it to them straight, just the way you laid it out.

They didn't see it.

Don't ask me why. They're just chickenshit, that's all.

You'll come up with other schemes.

Not like this one, Joe.

[Joe groans]

Look, Joe.

Maybe we don't need those other don't guys.

The whole bank's only going to cost three million.

-Only? -But the bank's got assets, Joe.

And the moment I get over there I start dealing.

Listen Doc, you've had schemes shot down before.

Now what's so special about this one?

I don't know, Joe.

[Doc] Maybe it's because suddenly I'm forty.

Or…

Maybe I'd like things to be different.

Listen, why don't you take a couple of weeks off, eh?

Go someplace where it isn't so warm, maybe where there's some snow.

-Yeah Joe, like in Switzerland, huh? -[Joe] Hey look!

Goddamn it, the answer is no.

The deal's dead.

Morto, you got it?

What's wrong, Joe?

[jazz music plays quietly]

That son of mine, he's driving me crazy. I just had to pull him out

of a jam in L.A.

Something about hot cars or something.

I didn't get all the details yet.

Well let's face it Joe. Albert…

Albert what?

Albert what?

Albert's a crook.

I know.

[Joe sighs wearily]

Listen, Doc.

[Joe coughs]

Now tell me the truth, eh?

A man can't be blamed if he wants to put his son,

his only son, into a respectable legitimate business.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, is there?

[Doc] No, Joe…

I'll make you a deal.

[Joe sighs] I don't like it already.

-You buy the Swiss bank for me-- -Come on, Doc.

…and I'll take Albert with me.

I'll teach him the baking business, Joe,

and I'll see that he stays out of trouble.

You're going to have to take along some help.

I…I'll take Marvin.

Albert likes Marvin.

-Marvin? -Yeah.

Are you kidding?

You're going to put a counterfeiter into the banking business?

It's like putting a fox into the chicken business.

It's my funeral, Joe.

That's right. It is your funeral, Doc.

Thank you, Joe.

Listen, if the whole thing falls apart when you're in Switzerland, I, eh…

I think you'd better keep moving along.

[plane landing]

[roar of reverse thrust]

[high-pitched whine of taxiing plane]

[plane engines power down]

[clunk]

[crew and passengers speak in Italian]

[drone of flight announcements]

[man] Hey, Doc.

If we're in Switzerland how come everybody is talking Italian?

Marvin, I have already told you.

That is what they talk in this part of Switzerland.

[in Italian] Dottore!

I give up. Albert you explain it to him.

Yeah sure.

Welcome to Lugano.

You are Dottore Fletcher, yes?

Come on, get the bags. Let's go.

Haven't got all day.

Alberto! [laughs]

-You look exactly like your father. -Oh, how you doing?

I am Prince Gianfranco Pietro Annunzio di Siracusa.

Which one of those names do we call you?

Prince. My car is over there.

[Albert] Thirty-seven Buick!

Doc Schulz had a 37' Buick.

Schultz was killed in 36'.

[doors slam shut]

It's a nice car you've got here, Prince.

Beg your pardon?

-Said it's a nice car you've got here! -Thank you.

My father loved American cars.

He always said a man is judged by only two things.

His motor car…

and I don't remember the other one.

-[Marvin] Are we in Italy or Switzerland? -[Prince] Switzerland.

[Prince] Lugano was once part of Italy.

But the Swiss took it away from us in 1512.

Now it is all banks and chocolate.

BANK

COOPERATIVE CENTRAL BANK

[jaunty theme music plays]

COMMERCIAL BANK

SWISS BANKING COMPANY

BANK CREDIT UNION

BANK

[Doc] Which one's ours?

That one.

Right there.

SWISS CREDIT

[jaunty theme fades]

That's what I call a bank!

Right, let's go in and start things moving.

[tires squeal]

Gentlemen, wait…

All right, who's in charge here?

-[banker] In charge? -Yeah.

Signor Benedetti.

[in Italian] This door.

[Albert] Hello, sweetheart… What's happening?

-You're Benedetti, right? -Excuse me?

-Are you the manager? -Yes, I am.

From now on you report to me.

My name is Fletcher…

This is Mr…

That is Mr. Fiore.

And this is Mr. Skinner.

We're taking over.

Take what you want.

[whispers] It is insured.

-[Prince] Dottore… -[Doc] Now look…

-You… -Dottore…

Yes?

This is the wrong bank.

This is the what?

[Prince] This is not your bank.

-Where's my bank? -Next door.

-Next door? -Yes.

Next door.

[in Italian] Sorry…

[in Italian] Sorry…

-[church bell rings] -[sound of bustling street]

Where's our bank?

There… on the second floor.

Above the ristorante.

[Albert] It's a pizza parlour.

I know it's a pizza parlour.

The bank's above the pizza parlour.

A bank above a pizza parlour?

That's right. Let's go in and start things moving.

Right.

The International Bank of Sicily and America in Switzerland,

third floor above the ristorante…

a real catchy name for a bank.

Come along lady, please.

[Doc stomps upstairs]

[soft laughter]

[in Italian] Ah, Signore.

What may we do for you?

Who are you?

Me? I'm the chief accountant.

And who is that?

He's a chef from downstairs.

He makes the best spaghetti in Lugano.

Where's the manager?

You mean Signor Mattelli?

He's gone back to Sicily.

I'll bet he has…

-Laughing all the way. -Doctor…

Uh, the premises are a bit disappointing perhaps,

but it was done with a purpose.

And anyway, with a little paint here…

and perhaps a little plaster there, it will do.

Believe me, it is not as bad as it looks.

Nothing is as bad as this looks.

[dog barking outside]

And what have we got here?

Goddam rip off.

You don't like the bank?

Like the what?

This is a bloody slum!

Perhaps…

but it is still a bank.

Okay, so this is a bank. A bank has assets, right?

-Right. -Right.

[Doc] You! Where's the assets?

-[accountant] Here are the assets. -[Doc] How much is there?

-[accountant] Nine hundred dollars. -[Doc] Nine hundred dollars!

-[Doc] Where's the rest of it? -[accountant] The rest of what?

[Doc] The assets!

[accountant] This is all the assets!

Gentlemen, please…

Let us be civilised.

I am ready to explain…

everything.

What did you want to know?

I want to know what the hell we paid three million bucks for?

Well, the bank of course.

Three million for that goddam dump?

No.

The dump was free.

The three million was for this!

[Albert] Now what the hell is this?

A charter from the Swiss Banking Commission.

Yes, that's better…

but not so many noodles at the same time.

Keep it light. Light.

Three million for a stupid piece of paper?

My dear, Alberto…

The stupid piece of paper is not usually available to men of your…

activities.

A great many calls had to be made to important people.

Now you should be very proud.

This is the very first bank ever totally owned by the…

ragazzi.

[Albert] Jesus.

How's Pop ever gonna fall for a swindle like this?

Fall? What fall?

You wanted a bank? Eccola, a bank!

You wanna tell my old man what he got for his three million bucks?

Eccola, a dead person. You!

Hey Prince, I got it now, look…

W…wait a minute…

Do to me? Why should he do anything to me?

Because you're Chairman of this pile of shit.

And my being Chairman of a pile of shit is only a technicality.

Mine is merely an honorary position.

Then you're merely gonna be an honorary corpse!

I do resent being spoken to this way.

[slaps paper onto table]

[Doc] You resent that eh?

Well, listen to this.

How much did you make personally out of this screw job?

Make?

What you mean make?

Bribes. Commissions.

-Kickbacks… -Nothing.

Less than nothing.

It costs me money. I paid for the gasoline.

You're a bloody liar!

You're a no-good lying guinea son of a bitch.

How do you resent that, eh?

In truth, I don't resent it.

I don't like it…

But, I don't resent it.

It is a great pity, Doctor.

A great pity.

I was going to ask you to join me in a venture worth millions.

Millions!

It is a great pity, indeed.

Goodbye.

Where the hell you going?

Home.

To Berlamo.

Ciao.

Ciao my ass.

You can't walk out now.

That is exactly what I am going to do.

My great-great-grandfather was a Pope and I have never been accustomed to being

treated like, how do you say… a total schmuck.

Ciao!

You want I should bring him back, Doc?

Eat your spaghetti, Marvin.

[church bells ring cheerily]

Okay.

Now there are a number of things that we could do.

One,

we could go home and tell Joe

that his entire three million dollars has disappeared…

and that…

we are very sorry.

He will be extremely sympathetic, of course,

and I will wind up standing on the bottom of Lake Tahoe

with cement boots on.

Two,

I skip town and spend the rest of my life running and hiding.

Not as bad as one, but still…

Three,

we stay here and make the best of what we've got.

And what do we got?

Nothing.

[seagulls call]

[opera music]

[opera music grows louder]

[female opera singer hits high note]

[male vocal returns]

Uh, look Your Highness. I'm sorry we insulted you,

and Albert and Marvin feel the same way.

Isn't that right, Albert and Marvin?

They are nodding their heads, your Highness.

[male opera singer sings]

[stereo is turned off]

I am not a Highness, merely an Excellence.

But er, gentlemen, welcome to Palazzo Annunzio.

Would you like a drink?

Our local grappa is really quite good.

You should try it.

[in Italian] Benvenutto, three glasses of grappa, please.

[in Italian] Right away, your Excellency.

Benvenutto has been with my family since 1899.

People like him do not exist any more.

He has not been paid since 1937.

[Prince] Ah, but sit down, gentlemen.

By the fire will be more comfortable.

I apologize for the cold.

Even in the summer, all the marble puts quite a chill in the air.

[smash]

We have over three hundred of these in the ballroom.

But there is so very little to dance about these days.

So they serve a more, uh…

fundamental purpose.

Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.

[Prince] Please.

[chair legs honk on surface]

[church bells toll]

Well…

Here we all are then, eh?

Yes, here we all are.

There was nothing for everyone to get so upset about now, was there?

[Prince] Exactly.

The important thing is the bank.

What difference does it make if there are no assets?

There is all of the money you brought with you from America.

-Money? -Of course.

The millions of dollars Alberto's father and his friends wanted to…

Erm, how do you say?

-Lavare. -Oh, you mean that money.

-Uh-huh. -Yeah, right…

-Right. -Right.

Why else would you want a bank?

Why else?

And don't worry, don't worry…

we will make it quite presentable…

All it needs is…

A little paint here, a little plaster there.

[Doc and Prince laugh]

[both] You know… [both laugh]

You go ahead.

No no no, you first.

Well it was nothing important, I just happened to remember

something you said, something about a venture you had worth millions.

-It was nothing important. -Ah, but it is important.

Very important. I'm glad you mentioned it.

It is a fabulous, unique opportunity.

A once-in-a-lifetime…

Well, I mean, uh…

if you feel like talking about it.

I will do better than that.

I will take you to a man

who can explain everything down to the last detail.

It so happens he is my cousin.

-Oh really! -Mhm.

And where is this cousin of yours?

In Persia.

[raindrops softly fall]

[adventurous music begins]

[car honks twice]

[gate clinks open]

[adventurous music fades]

[engine is turned off]

Welcome.

[songbirds sing softly]

I trust you had a pleasant journey.

Excellent.

And you must be Doctor Fletcher.

How absolutely splendid of you to come.

Please.

And Shireen… how is she?

Have a look for yourself.

Shireen.

Shireen… How lovely, how lovely to see you.

Shireen, this is my associate from America,

Dr. Fletcher.

Welcome to Iran, Dr. Fletcher.

-Thank you, madam. -No, not madam.

Shireen is Agha's sister.

I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.

[Doc] I'm sure I will.

[Doc] Your country becomes more beautiful all the time.

[Doc] It's hard to believe…

[snaps lighter shut]

…that you are all related.

We are quite distant cousins.

In fact, we share a common great-grandmother.

She was not as common as all that.

[laughs]

Dr. Fletcher, what are you a doctor of?

Money!

[Agha] Then you're in luck.

We have a proposition

that involves more money than you could possibly ever have dreamed of.

Oh I'm quite a dreamer, Mr. Firdausi.

How does a billion dollars sound, Doctor?

Call me Doc.

[Agha] Very well. That's for tomorrow then.

Be ready to leave the house at six o'clock in the morning.

It's going to be a long day.

And a most interesting one,

I can promise you.

[soft, sweet music begins]

[car doors slam shut]

Please.

-[Prince] Shireen? -[Shireen] Go ahead.

[jeep engine starts]

[music fades]

[Agha] Doc? Why don't you try the grey one?

[Prince] Agha! You never told me we would have to do this.

[Agha] I was saving it as a surprise.

[Prince] This is local colour. I thank you, cousin.

[crickets chirp]

[Doc] Who does this land belong to?

[Agha] To us.

-[Doc] All of it? -[Agha] All of it.

[Doc] What do you say, Miss Firdausi?

Where the hell are we going?

To Susa.

Where?

In your Bible, Susa was the wealthiest city in ancient Persia…

because it possessed an inexhaustible source of silver.

[Doc] Never heard of it.

[Shireen] But you have heard of "Daniel in the Lion's Den"?

[Doc] Naturally.

[Shireen] Susa is where it happened.

[Prince] Yes, it happened right here.

And later in the Bible it said that the King of Susa, Ahasuerus,

paid a certain chap called Hamman

with eighteen million, eight hundred and forty thousand ounces of silver.

At the present price, a hundred million dollars.

A hundred million?

All trace of the silver vanished.

For over 3 000 years no man has ever laid his eyes on it.

Now that is what I call a shame.

[Agha] I said no man because it has been rediscovered by a woman.

My sister.

[Agha] My friend.

You are on top of the richest source of silver

the world has ever known.

My engineers estimate about 200 million ounces.

Of this.

[sound of distant voices talking]

A billion dollars.

[Prince] Agha, this is absolutely unbelievable.

How come nobody knows about this?

We've worked very hard to keep it secret.

Why?

It's not illegal to find silver on your own property.

We'd rather not pay the taxes.

And the mine may become nationalised.

How the hell can you keep an operation like this a secret?

[fly buzzes around]

Well we are rather remote.

[laughs]

Remote you are.

After the silver has been mined it goes by caravan to the Persian Gulf,

and then by boat out of Iran.

Straight to our warehouse in Beirut.

-Dubai. -Dubai.

Any more questions?

Oh well, you seem to have things…

pretty well organised around here.

Just one.

What do you want from me?

What any man needs who is sitting on top of a billion dollars.

And what is that?

Money.

-[distant talking] -[construction sounds]

How much?

On the bottom line, how much?

Twenty million dollars.

Twenty?

But Agha, I understood that you would only need five…

Oh, five to begin with.

Twenty to finish it off.

[birds chirping]

Twenty million dollars, eh?

What would we get in security?

-[Prince] The mine. -[Agha] The mine.

[Doc] Not acceptable.

[Prince] Now, Doc…

I ask for security and he offers me a hole in the ground.

Because that's all you've got at the moment.

How much would you need to actually start producing silver?

As I said before, five million dollars.

Then that is exactly what I want as security.

Five million dollars.

[Agha] I give you five million, you loan me five million?

-Thank you very much. -[Prince] Doc, in all fairness…

If he has his own five million, why does he need your five million?

[Doc] Because he needs our twenty million.

You give me your five million,

I'll put it in our bank in a savings account.

The moment you show up in Lugano with a bar of refined silver,

I'll loan you the remainder of the twenty million.

That's the only way I'll agree to become involved.

[footsteps]

[Agha] Of course I can give you 400 million rials in cash,

but there could be a slight risk.

[Doc laughs] I'll just bet there could.

[Agha] It's illegal to take rials out of Iran.

Four hundred million rials…

that doesn't sound like anything that could fit into a wallet.

[all laugh]

[Agha] Not exactly.

Two large suitcases, perhaps.

I don't know.

Well as you said, my friend, it is the only way I could

possibly agree to be involved.

Is it a deal?

You haven't told me how we would share the profits yet!

Uh, what do you propose?

The usual.

Money gets half.

Don't you think that's fair, Ms Firdausi?

Fifty-fifty…

Very well.

Partners?

There's something else you must understand while we're at it.

If you fail to repay the twenty million dollars

the bank takes over the mine.

One hundred percent of the mine.

An unpleasant thought but a normal condition.

Partners?

[seagulls screaming]

I'm going crazy.

There ain't nothing here, nothing.

There ain't even a McDonald's in this town.

Marvin, you got any real money?

What for?

So we get some goddam action, that's what for!

[Albert] I don't believe this.

Mineral baths, that's a hot one, eh?

Funicolare… what the Christ's a funicolare?

You know like that old Italian song.

♪ Funiculi, funicula… ♪

Boat rides, flower shows, even got nature walks here.

That sounds nice.

They got a casino.

Baccarat…

Blackjack…

They got roulette, they got roulette here!

Well what the hell are we waiting for? Come on, let's go!

C'mon Albert, you know what Doc said.

Doc said, "Don't cause any trouble."

Will you put that thing away?

All right, big guy… Don't move, you understand?

Make one move and I'm going to blow you away.

I want the money, the gun is loaded.

-[click] -Jesus Christ, Al!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Oh, geez, it's not even loaded. [clicks]

Can't anybody take a joke around here?

Come on, Marvin, how about it?

If we had a good stake, we could make a really big score…

I've got a few dollars.

Holy shit!

How much is that?

Fifty grand.

It's beautiful.

I don't believe it's real.

It's not.

[Doc] So I'll see you around, eh?

[Shireen] Good luck.

You say that, as though you think I might need it.

My father believed there was a curse connected with the silver of Susa.

So?

That anyone who touched it…

would meet with tragedy.

What do you believe?

I believe that metal is metal.

And money is paper and people are disorganised.

Will you be coming to Switzerland with your brother?

If he permits it.

I'll make it a condition of our agreement.

Then I'll see that he honours it.

So, now the risk is yours.

Explain that remark.

I have placed a deposit with your bank

and when you pick up those two cases

the transaction is complete.

You are responsible for the money whatever happens to it.

What could happen to it?

Who knows.

Money is but paper.

You are but flesh and blood.

Life is but disorganised…

But why talk of that?

Go ahead. Pick 'em up.

Right.

I am now picking up the money.

Watch me pick it up.

[sound of straining leather]

Boy!

This is heavy just for money.

[plane engine roars past]

[thunder]

[thunder continues]

Doc.

Doc! Are you asleep?

Not now I'm not, no.

We might run into trouble.

With the money you mean?

No, I wasn't thinking of the money right now.

Oh, relax. Nothing's going to happen.

[thunder blasts]

[in Italian] Madonna!

[Prince prays quietly in Italian]

[Doc laughs]

[Doc] I've got a confession to make!

This money, your cousin's five million…

[Prince] Yes?

[Doc] That is all we have.

[Prince] What do you mean?

[Doc] We haven't anything else.

[Prince] But… but… what about the money from Joe Fiore and his friends?

[Doc] They didn't give me any.

[Prince] What?

[Doc] Sit down, you'll hit your head.

[Prince] But…

if there isn't any money…

what are you going to lend my cousin, Firdausi?

[Doc] The five million he gave us.

[Prince] You're going to lend him back his own money?

[Doc] Yeah.

Why not?

That's what the banks do for a living.

They don't put it in the bottom drawer, you know.

They lend it out.

-[Doc laughs] -[Prince laughs]

[Doc] Sit down.

[growl of taxiing plane]

[In Italian] Buongiorno, Signori.

Come va?

Taxi?

-[Doc] Albert? -[Prince] Albert?

[laughs] Hi Doc, how are you?

Hello, Prince. Come on, hop in, let's go.

Who belongs to this?

We do.

[jaunty theme plays]

Hey, Marvin! Where the hell are you going?

We've just passed the hotel.

[Marvin] We don't live there no more, Doc.

Listen, Marvin.

It's a surprise Doc, take it easy.

[jaunty music becomes sweeping]

-What is this? -[Albert] Our villa.

And this is Maria.

Our maid.

We also got a pool.

Let's forget our pool, our maid, our car and our villa,

and have a little chat with our Albert.

-Albert… -What do you think, eh?

I call it Villa Fiore! That's Italian for "house of flowers."

Oh, you don't say.

Tell me, Albert, how much is all this set us back?

About half a million.

-Bucks? -Yeah.

Well, moving on along from there, something else that's puzzling me…

-Well, what's that? -Where did the bucks come from?

-We won them. -You won them?

Yeah, there's a little casino on the other side of the lake.

Chips, everything…

Albert figured out that of the wheels was lopsided and the same numbers

come out all the time.

Went back every night, kept on winning.

Went back last night but the guy won't let us in any more.

I'm sure he has his reasons.

Now haven't we been the busy little bees now!

But the one thing that I can't figure out is…

Where'd you get the money to start gambling in the first place?

-From Marvin. -I gotta do a few things.

Marvin! Get back here.

-Where'd you get that money, Marvin? -I brought it with me.

You brought it wit'cha?

Don't worry, Doc. It's good stuff, the best I ever made.

Albert…

do you know what your father would do to me if he finds…

Just a second…

I want to make absolutely sure that I understand correctly…

You're now saying that I am chairman of a bank that is being financed…

by counterfeit money?

Yes, that's right.

-Right. -Right.

Twenty million bucks for a silver mine?

It's a hell of a mine, Albert.

It better be…

How much do they want down and when?

Five million dollars and right now.

-Come on, Doc. We don't have that. -Yes, we do.

Take me a few days to make up that much, Doc.

I don't mean your funny money, Marvin.

I mean the real five million bucks that I borrowed in Iran.

Okay, well where we gonna get the rest?

From the same place as the other banks do.

From rich and powerful depositors.

-Yeah, of which we don't have any. -But we're going to get them.

And lots of them.

We're going to throw the biggest, the best,

and fanciest goddam party this town ever saw.

To celebrate our grand opening.

[Albert] Oh, swell. Who's going to come to that?

Everybody the Prince knows.

What are you talking about?

Royalty, celebrities, your relations… You must know lots of people, Prince.

That's true, I know them all.

Yeah, but will they show up?

They always do, especially royalty.

You pay their expenses, they come.

All right, we'll throw the thing right here.

Wrong. We throw it in the bank.

Doc.

Royalty is not going to be impressed with our little establishment

above the pizza parlour.

Prince, that is not the bank I had in mind.

[fireworks explosions]

[marching band music]

[marching band continues]

Now to sum up, you call a duke "Your Grace."

The Ambassador is "Your Excellency."

The Cardinal you call "Your Eminence."

And the Judge is "Your Honour."

-That clear? -Got it.

To the hand-kissing…

-Now in hand-kissing you don't kiss. -Oh.

You just take the hand and merely touch it

with the tip of the nose, like so.

Mm?

One, two, eh?

Try.

That's very good, but relax and look into the woman's eyes.

[Prince] Down.

[Prince] Very good.

Come on, Doc. Pop's waiting.

We're on our way, Your Delinquence.

[marching band stops playing]

Hi, Pops.

Doc, I gotta hand it to you,

this is a terrific bash, my friend.

[Doc] Thank you, Joe.

[Joe] What a building!

To think I was able to get

the whole thing for only three million dollars.

[Doc] With a little help from Albert and Marvin, we managed.

[Joe] Well, I'm gonna keep it strictly in the family.

You know what I mean?

-[Doc] Hello. -Hello.

I'm glad you're here.

-You look just terrific. -Thank you.

I'm sorry your brother couldn't make it.

He sends his regards.

He asked me to give you this little gift.

Oh, thank you.

-Can I open this? -Sure.

Well, that's quite some paperweight.

There are thousands more like it.

The first shipment arrived in Dubai last week.

Oh…

[Doc] What does this sword mean?

A scimitar. It's our family crest.

It's a reminder to people who disappoint us.

When can we expect the balance of the loan?

Well, as you can see, we're working on it right now.

Your bank is very impressive.

What, this little old place?

[trumpet plays fanfare]

Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight to welcome a new bank to Switzerland,

The American Bank in Lugano.

Most of you have met the owner here tonight and know

what a charming and generous man he is.

Tomorrow he returns to America but we have found a way to keep him

here with us even when he is gone.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Mr. Joseph Fiore.

[applause]

Doc.

Albert.

Come up.

My friends…

Alright.

-["For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" plays] -I just…

[all sing along] ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow He's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

[applause]

[distant sounds of traffic]

Furthermore gentlemen, we are not keeping up with the competition.

Now all of the major U.S. banks have branches in Europe.

Every one that is except the First National bank of California.

But that is going to change, gentlemen…

and now!

Meeting adjourned.

Not you, Luckman.

[man] Sit down.

Daniel, isn't it?

Uh, Donald, sir.

I could have sworn it was Daniel.

I'm sorry, it's Donald.

You're right.

Well, Donald, I guess you're wondering why you were asked to sit in

on this week's executive session?

Yes, sir. I have been wondering about that.

I am going to send you to Europe, Donald, to buy a bank.

A bank?

Uh, what bank, sir?

Something nice.

Not big, but growing.

With assets, say, of a hundred million.

Something we could pick up for around ten.

Well, that might take some time, sir.

I don't care if it takes all year, just find me the right one.

You're better start off in London.

London…

Mr. Foreman, would it be possible to take my wife with me?

I didn't think you were married.

Yes, sir, I am.

[papers fluttering open]

So you are.

Yes, sir. Eight years.

By all means take your wife, Donald.

Unless of course, you'd rather not?

No, no, I think I should…

She'd be disappointed.

[sound of pouring liquid]

Drink, Donald?

Uh, no, sir.

[church bells ring]

[loudly conducting trades]

[loud trading continues]

How bad is it, Nick?

Down two pence so far, Mr. Cook.

That's almost 17 million pounds.

What's causing it?

A half a million ounces of this.

Where does it come from?

The mine's in Iran, Mr. Cook.

Iran…

There's never been any silver in Iran.

There is now, on the property of a family named Firdausi.

That's their mark.

It's registered in the name of a woman, actually.

From Iran the silver seems to go to a warehouse in Dubai.

These, er, Firdausis…

Do they have enough…

capital to finance such an operation?

The financing comes from an outfit in Switzerland, the American Bank of Lugano.

Never heard of it.

Twopenny, threepenny operation until last spring

when they were taken over by new management.

Who's behind it?

You don't say.

That's fascinating, Nick.

Fascinating.

The Persian's into them for about twenty millions.

Buy up the bank and you could foreclose on the mine.

Can't go around buying up banks.

If the financial community thinks I'm trying to compete

they'll cut off my credit.

But there's nothing…

to prevent another bank from buying it, is there, Nick?

[car honks]

What the hell is Charlie Cook interested in a nickel-dime Swiss bank for?

What's it got?

It's all here in this report, Mr. Foreman.

Normal activities, a few large depositors,

several sound investments, one or two high risks, and this one…

This one strange item, here.

Look Mr. Foreman, Carnaby Street!

You can buy your wife something smashing.

Debbie, please.

Foreign investment, twenty million dollars.

What the hell is that?

Search me, sir.

[Foreman] What do you mean search you?

It's the biggest goddam thing they've got.

Every other store's a sex shop.

Debbie, we're trying to talk business.

The past few months, I've looked at at least a dozen banks

as interesting as this one, Mr. Foreman.

Three… Mr. Foreman.

Three of them right here in London.

If it hadn't been for that call from Charlie Cook

I wouldn't have asked you to come over.

Who's Charlie Cook?

-Debbie, I'm trying to talk. -So am I, Donald.

This is business. Seems to me that--

I only wanted to know who Charlie Cook was.

He's the richest man in the world, are you satisfied?

What made him so rich?

Silver.

He controls the entire world market.

Foreign investments, or, it could be something shady.

Like a string of Swiss cat houses.

Oh, I don't believe the Swiss do that, sir.

Everybody does it, Donald.

Would you shut up, Debbie?

[engine putters to a stop]

Oh, Debbie, you can keep the cab.

Oh, thanks, Donald.

They'll love it in San Francisco!

I didn't mean that you should…

I didn't mean you should!

[Foreman] And you want my bank to buy this little Swiss bank?

Precisely.

Why?

Uh, because of something the bank has.

[Foreman sighs]

Foreign investments, twenty million dollars?

Correct again.

How much will the bank cost me?

Sixty million.

How much is that in dollars?

That is dollars.

[Foreman chuckles]

[Foreman chuckles again]

Mr. Cook…

we can't pay that kind of money.

[clink]

Mr. Foreman all you have to do is to lay it out.

The minute you have the bank,

I'll give you 60 million dollars for that, um…

foreign investment.

You mean I get back every penny I spend

and I keep the bank to boot?

To boot…

You end up by getting the bank for nothing.

That must be some foreign investment.

Yes, it is.

Well, I'd have to know what it is, of course.

Yes, of course, well…

[exhales]

There is one thing, Mr. Foreman.

If you divulge this to anybody…

and I mean anybody…

I'll ruin you.

Do you understand?

It's a silver mine, Mr. Foreman.

A very, very rich silver mine.

And that little pissant bank owns it?

Yes, in a manner of speaking they do.

You see, they've loaned them

20 million dollars, which means they can call in the loan and, uh…

foreclose at any time they want to.

Well, Mr. Cook…

I think we can probably do some business.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Come, let me show you around the exchange, hmm?

And while we're gone, Nick can fill your man in on one or two

of the petty details, hmm?

[incoherent voices]

-How's it going, Charlie? -Oh fine, thanks Nick.

Not at that price…

[phone rings]

I take it, Donald, you're the chap who'll be preparing the formal report

on the purchase of the bank?

-That's right, Nick. -Is the fix through yet, Alex?

Not yet. I'll let you know.

The thing is, you see Donald,

Mr. Cook wants very much to keep that mine a deep, dark secret.

[phone rings]

Well, what the hell can I do about that?

Leave it out of your report.

[Donald] Are you crazy?

Nick, it's New York.

[phone rings]

Yes?

Larry, yes…

Too bad, Larry.

Well, you win. What can we do?

[phones ringing in the background]

They fell for it.

I'm sorry, Donald, you were saying?

I said…

are you crazy?

That mine is on the books for 20 million dollars.

I can't leave 20 million dollars unaccounted for in any report.

I didn't say unaccounted for, Donald.

I just think you could call it something else.

Wait a second…

You mean falsify my report?

You know that's against the law, don't you know that, Nick?

Not falsify, Donald.

Disguise.

-Disguise? -Yeah.

Equal value for equal value.

You don't always tell the opposition what you're up to, do you?

-Hm? -No.

Excuse me.

Er, yes, how'd you do?

-Mark over 70, trading steady. -Right.

Right, erm…

The only trouble is, what can we call it?

Iran, holdings in Iran, what could it be, hmm?

Uh…

Oil?

-Oil? How do you mean? -[incoherent shouts]

Could be big oil storage tanks.

I mean what better collateral could a bank have?

You know, oil storage tanks?

Donald, that's brilliant!

Absolutely brilliant!

Storage tanks, yeah!

Hey, that's nothing.

One time, you shoulda seen, one time I did a thing…

[traders shout passionately]

Yes, yes! Two lots. Five, ten.

[Nick conducts heated trade]

[loud general shouting]

[cheerful music]

[cheerful music fades]

-[sound of typing] -[low talking]

-Something's up, Doc. -Yeah?

There's a guy snooping around over here.

He's talking to all the tellers, asking them all kinds of questions.

He wants to speak to the man in charge.

-Any idea who he is? -Never seen him before.

[Prince] What could he want?

[Doc] I don't know…

He could be an investigator for the Swiss Bank Commission.

I'll just lay back and watch for a while.

You play chairman of the board.

I am chairman of the board.

Bring him in.

How do you do?

I am Prince Gianfranco Pietro Annunzio di Siracusa, Chairman of the Board.

Uh, Donald L. Luckman.

These gentlemen are my associates.

-Dr. Fletcher. -Dr. Fletcher.

-Mr. Fiore. -Mr. Fiore.

Please sit down.

Very nice little bank you've got here, gentlemen.

Very nice…

and little.

What is it that we can do for you, Mr. Luckman?

Um.

Well, I represent an American bank

that's interested in opening a foreign branch in Europe.

I wanted you to know that, er…

your bank's on our list.

And if the price were right you could be in the running…

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

[in Italian] Yes?

Who?

Er, one moment, please.

It's for you.

Donald Luckman?

Yes.

Hello?

What are you calling me here for, Debbie? I'm in a meeting…

I told you I can't.

I have to fly back to London this evening.

Because I have another meeting with Mr…

I have another meeting.

Look Debbie, can't we talk about this later?

No, I go straight to the airport from here.

Look, there are plenty of things you can do by yourself.

Find some undiscovered little restaurant somewhere.

I'm sure there's plenty of 'em…

Does anyone know of a nice little restaurant?

There is the Antico Restaurant on the lake.

Incredibly beautiful, quite nearby.

Hey Debbie, try the, er…

Antico.

The Antico.

It's on the lake and it's incredibly beautiful.

Uh, I can't talk anymore. I'll call you from London.

Yeah, me too.

My wife.

Of course.

[Donald clears throat]

As I was saying…

[Doc] Don't bother, Luckman.

This bank is not for sale.

Everything's for sale, Dr. Fletcher.

You think about it.

You'll be hearing from us.

Gentlemen.

Been a pleasure.

[typewriter clicking in the background]

[phone ringing]

What was that all about?

I don't know.

But I'd sure like to find out.

There might be a way.

[Prince] Doc.

Have you ever seen the Antico Restaurant?

It's on the lake.

Incredibly beautiful.

[relaxed music plays]

[relaxed music fades]

-[Doc] To us. -[Prince] To us.

To the International Bank of Sicily and America in Switzerland.

Eh…

Above the ristorante…

Above the ristorante.

We've done okay, haven't we, Prince?

Doc, don't call me Prince.

To my friends I'm Gianfranco.

-Call me Gianfranco. -Oh, that's too long.

How about, er, John?

John…

John, yes.

I like it. Much better.

[jingling]

[Prince] Uh oh, what about that one?

Forget it. I'll let you know when she comes in.

But she's American, I'm sure of that.

Yeah?

[in Italian] Buona sera, tutta sola…

-J…just a second. -Desidera un tavolo?

Just a second.

Devisi… Desivi?

I'll bet you another bottle of champagne that's the girl.

You're on.

T-u, t-u, t-u…

T-u-r-a-b…?

[waiter speaks in Italian]

Oh shit!

[in Italian] Signorina, mi permetta…

Gianfranco Pietro Annunzio di Siracusa.

Gianfranco…

-Gianfr… -That's, uh, my name.

Oh, hi. I'm Deborah Luckman.

How very lovely.

-Are you waiting for someone? -No, I'm alone.

Then please come and join us.

My friend is about to buy me a new bottle of champagne.

I would like you to meet Dr. Fletcher.

Doc, this is Ms Deborah Luckman.

Now that's a lovely name.

Deborah?

No, Luckman.

[Debbie laughs]

[band plays upbeat music]

Is this your first visit to Lugano, Ms Luckman?

Mrs. Luckman.

Oh and where is Mr. Luckman?

He went to London for the night.

For the night only?

Pretty weird, huh?

-What does he do? -He's in banking.

And bankers are very weird people.

Really? I never noticed.

Yes. It comes from talking about money all day

without actually having, ever having, any of your own.

[Doc and Debbie laugh]

To your weird husband.

And his weird bank.

[laughing softly]

Which bank is that, Debbie?

First National of California.

I'm sure you've never heard of it.

No, as a matter of fact, I have.

-You have? -Yes.

That's quite a big outfit, isn't it?

I guess so. What business are you in?

Uh…

Precious metals.

You mean like gold?

Something like that.

Well then, to something like that.

Something like that.

Why the champagne, you celebrating something?

-That's right. -What?

Meeting you.

-[upbeat music] -[Debbie jingles]

[band plays slower song]

[sweeping piano music]

[sweeping piano music fades]

Where are we?

My place.

Your place?

That's right.

That's kind of a coincidence, isn't it?

You want some more champagne?

Losers weepers, finders keepers.

You any good?

Junior Girls Champ, San Mateo County.

Fastest serve in the West. Wanna see it?

Wanna see it again?

[Doc laughs softly]

[Debbie jingles as she walks]

Precious metals must be doing okay.

Not too bad.

Debbie…

I think it's only fair that I should tell you that I came prepared.

For what?

Trouble.

-See this? -Yeah.

[blows whistle]

[whistle echoes]

[laughs] Call the cops.

I don't see too many of them around.

Ah, in which case, I have this.

What's that?

-[Debbie blasts air horn] -Debbie!

[air horn echoes]

-[Doc] You'll wake up the whole town! -[Debbie] That's the point.

[dogs bark]

-Yeah? -Yeah!

By the time they got here, it'd be too late.

In that case…

[further jingling]

What you got in there, a bazooka?

No.

-What's that for? -Nothing.

[jingle, jangle]

What is this?

Huh…

My pyjama tops.

Oh, what for?

Well, you never know when it's gonna go the other way.

[softly] Help.

[gentle music plays]

You know what?

I've never cheated on Donald.

Not once in eight years.

I've thought about it, but somehow it just never worked out.

And now that we're in Europe I've cheated already on him three times.

Three times?

Once in the pool, once in the bedroom and once in…

[both] The… hmm…

I'm ready to make it four.

Relax a minute, will you?

I haven't been doing my push-ups lately.

How come?

How come what?

If you've thought about having an affair…

how come you've never had one?

'Cause it wouldn't have been fair to Donald, I mean.

Besides, everyone in San Francisco's just like Donald.

What's the point in having a lover that's just like your husband?

That's why it's okay with you.

Well, you mustn't think I don't love Donald, I really do.

Or at least I did the last time I thought about it.

It's just that you're so…

I'm what?

Completely different.

[gentle music continues]

[door opens loudly]

[Debbie hums from adjoining room]

[bang]

[door slams closed]

Is she gone?

Are you not dressed yet?

God that smells good.

I could eat a horse.

No, I couldn't.

You might as well know this about me.

I could never, ever eat any kind of horse.

Doc…

Mmm?

Do you have an actual first name?

Yes.

-Yes! -[cutlery rattles]

I like that.

Tell me something, Yes.

Do you have any hobbies?

Hobbies? What do you mean?

Well, let me put it another way.

When do I see you again?

I didn't quite get that.

Listen, Debbie…

God I hate sentences that begin with, "Listen, Debbie…"

There's something I've got to tell you.

"You're this really terrific girl, but…"

Well, you are a really terrific girl and I mean that…

-"But you just happen to be married." -No.

-You're in love with your maid. -Debbie, will you listen!

It's about your husband.

When we met yesterday you thought it was just--

I'm a grown up person, I can take care of myself.

Besides, he didn't have to go out and leave me all alone in Lugano

just to go off to London to see that old billionaire what's-his-name, Cook.

[chokes on juice]

Cook?

What Cook?

Charlie Cook?

Sure, he's the one who wants Donald to buy this old American bank here.

[Debbie] What are you doing?

What's the matter with you?

You need someone to take care of you, that's what you need.

Debbie…

Why would a guy like Charlie Cook

be interested in a two-bit little bank like that?

I dunno.

He said it has something to do with a silver mine in Iran.

[church bells ring]

We've got trouble.

The silver mine's out in the open.

-[Albert] What are you talking about? -Get out of there.

-Are you sure? -Positive.

Donald Luckman knows all about it.

-[Albert] How do you know that? -Because Mrs. Luckman knows all about it.

He's in cahoots with Charlie Cook.

Who is Charlie Cook?

What are we gonna do, Doc?

I don't know yet.

[phone rings]

Yes.

[typewriter clicking in the background]

Oh!

Have him come in.

Donald L. Luckman.

Now you two keep quiet.

Let me do the talking.

Ah, good morning gentlemen.

I've got some good news.

I've discussed it with my associates and…

-Well, we've decided that your little-- -[Doc] Cut the crap, Donald.

How much?

How about ten million?

[Donald] Right.

You understand that was just an opening offer.

Any of you gentlemen care to suggest a counter offer?

What the heck…

Twenty million dollars.

Come on fellas, I just doubled my original offer.

Okay, just to show you that we're serious about this whole thing…

Thirty million dollars.

Take it or leave it.

Thirty million, eh?

You can get a pretty good bank for thirty million dollars, Donald…

but not this one.

Hey, look, I'm being serious about the whole thing.

We're not interested, Donald.

Not interested, huh?

I'll tell you what…

This is going to be absolutely my final offer.

I'm not fooling around now, this is it…

Fifty

million

dollars.

Fifty million.

Five,

with seven zeroes.

[Doc laughs]

Fifty million, for a cute little bank like this, huh?

Fifty million is quite out of the question.

That's right.

Sixty million or nothing.

Albert!

Sixty million, Luckman, take it or leave it.

-Butt out, Albert! -Shut up, Doc!

You know, ever since I was a kid

people have been on my ass to get me interested in this business!

First Pop, then you.

All right, for 60 million bucks, I'm interested.

I liked you better when you were stealing cars.

Sixty million bucks, Doc! Sixty million!

No!

For Christ's sake, I've created a goddam monster!

Are you gonna let this joker and his billionaire pal, Charlie Cook

get away with highway robbery?

Look around you.

We built this bank from nothing.

And we did it on the up-and-up. You and me,

and John, and even Marvin.

Haven't you any pride?

Come on Albert, tell this guy to get the hell outta here.

Tell you what, Doc, we'll leave it up to Pop.

It's his bank, all right?

Thanks for reminding me, Albert.

Boy, that was really exciting. [laughs softly]

I wonder who Charlie Cook is.

Oh Donald, I'm glad you're back. I've got to talk to you.

It can hold, Debbie, I've got an important call to make.

I've got something to tell you that's much more important

than anything you've got to say on the phone.

Ah, operator?

I'd like to make a long distance call to San Francisco,

person to person to Mr. Henry Foreman.

[Debbie] I'm leaving… I'm leaving!

No, I'll hold, operator.

Donald, I think I've found what I'm looking for and I'm leaving.

Okay, go ahead Debbie, but don't stay out too late, hey?

-[smooch] -[voice] Can I have the number now, sir?

Uh, area code four one five…

eight three three, one one, eight five.

-[operator] Shall I call you, sir? -No, I'll hold, operator.

I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say to you.

-I've met someone and I-- -Debbie!

Debbie, I'm on the phone.

[Foreman] Henry Foreman speaking.

-Oh, Mr. Foreman. -Donald, you're gonna drive me crazy.

Uh, Donald Luckman here.

I've met someone and I'm going

to leave you forever and ever! [shouts]

Mr. Debbie! Mister… Mister, no, Mr. Foreman!

-[Foreman] Is something wrong? -Uh, Donald Luckman.

No, that was nothing.

Uh, no, everything's going fine, sir…

There's just one thing that bothers me.

They seem to know all about Charlie Cook's involvement in this deal.

[Foreman] What makes you think that?

Well I mean how could they know what?

There's only four people in the entire world know about Charlie Cook.

-And yet, what's-his-name knew… -[Debbie] Donald!

-Uh, F…Fletcher! -[Foreman] Fletcher?

-Yeah, that's his name, Dr. Fletcher. -[Foreman] Are you saying that Fletcher…

Fletcher?

What the hell are you doing?

-Did you say Dr. Fletcher? -So what?

I was on a very important call to Dr. Cook, er, Mr. Foreman…

What the hell's the matter with you…

-Hm? -Hey Debbie, are you okay?

-Yeah. -You alright, baby?

Women…

[dials phone]

Uh, operator, I believe I was disconnected…

-[operator] Where was the call? -Long distance call to San Francisco.

[operator] May I have the number again?

Area code four one five, eight three three, one one, eight five.

Person to person, to Mr. Henry Foreman.

[high-tension classical plays]

Well, Doc, where have you been?

[Prince] I was worried about you.

Oh, what a coincidence, so was I…

It's over, John.

It's all over.

I phoned Joe Fiore and I told him about the offer.

Do you know what he said?

Take it.

He said, "Take it."

Do you hear that, John?

"Take it." [Doc laughs]

What did you expect?

I tried to tell him, the mine's worth ten times 60 million…

But you know what he did?

He hung up on me.

You can't do that to me, John.

You can't cut me off!

[Prince] Well, what can you do?

Go to see Joe, my old pal Joe.

Because if he grabs that 60 million then it's goodbye bank,

goodbye silver mine and goodbye everything we've worked for.

And what if he won't listen to you?

I'll tell you what if he won't listen to me.

He will regret ever having heard of me…

Prince…

Do you know?

You are the only friend…

that I've got left.

You don't fancy a drink, do you?

No. [Doc hums quietly]

[continues humming]

[classical music quieter]

[Debbie] You rotten skunk!

How did you get in here?

You must be really proud of yourself.

I told you everything you wanted to know.

Look Debbie, I'm sorry.

Oh! You make me so mad!

-Debbie, listen. -I'm through listening to you.

I hate you! I never want to speak to you again.

Well, what the hell are you doing here, then?

We don't have to talk, do we?

I don't know how you felt about last night

but if all you wanted was information, you didn't have to give so much to get it.

You're a real snake.

Haven't you got anything to say?

Yes.

You are the nicest thing that's ever happened to me

in my entire life.

-[Debbie squeals excitedly] -[Doc grunts]

[both laugh and struggle]

[police siren heard faintly]

[Joe] Arrgh!

Argh.

[Doc] That's the trouble with the new models.

They don't give enough trunk space.

Hey Doc! How the hell are you, eh?

Sit down, have a drink.

Somebody I know?

Knew, you mean.

Dorso, why don't you take off? Doc and I want to have a little talk.

Well, what can I do for you?

Joe.

I want the bank.

I thought we settled that on the phone.

You're making a lousy deal, Joe.

[laughs]

Sixty million for three? Come on.

Tell me about it.

Joe.

You're holding a great hand.

Stay in the game.

Except for one thing. It's table stakes.

And Charlie Cook's table's a helluva lot bigger than mine.

And if he wants that silver mine I've got no way of stopping him

so I'm just gonna get rich and I'm just gonna enjoy it.

Yeah? And what am I supposed to do?

Work for me, just like always.

I'm sorry Joe, I can't.

What the hell do you want?

I told you, the bank.

I told you to forget it, Doc. It's dead. Morto.

No it's not, Joe.

Not yet.

But it will be…

Shortly.

Are you crazy?

Some time, Joe, is all I want.

[Doc] Time to raise 60 million dollars, Joe.

You better get out of here, Doc.

Not till I get what I came for.

Okay.

A week.

-You've got a week. -It isn't enough.

That's all the time you've got.

Look at me, Joe.

One week is not enough!

You look at me.

You look real good.

And you see that you haven't got one minute more.

[Doc] Alright, Joe.

On one condition…

There's nothing in that briefcase except your hand.

Show me.

Okay.

In one week you owe me 60 million dollars.

How you get it is your business.

[sound of plane overhead]

-[sound of bustling street] -[car honks]

[car honks loudly]

[incoherent voices in the background]

Amazing.

It's incredible.

What do we do now?

Someone will be here to guide us.

Agha arranged it.

-Want some beads? -No, thank you.

-Want some? -No!

Okay, follow me.

What did she say?

-We follow. -You follow me, please.

[Doc] Follow her?

[horse hooves clopping]

[busker sings a song]

[bells ringing in the distance]

[dog barking]

-Good afternoon. -[guard] Good afternoon.

Mr. Firdausi is expecting us.

-Please go in. -Thank you.

-Hello. -Hello, Shireen.

Agha is waiting for you.

He is very impatient. Come.

You look marvellous, as usual.

[Shireen laughs happily]

[Doc laughs]

[sound of pickaxes and hammers]

[Doc] Good god, there it is…

[Agha] Doc…

Gianfranco.

What do you think of it?

We just sent out a large shipment,

so we've only got about 75 tons down here at the moment.

-Only 75 tons? -[Doc laughs]

That's correct. About 12 million dollars.

You know, there were times…

when I wasn't exactly sure there was, uh…

If there was any silver?

[Doc laughs] Yeah, you could say that.

[elevator motor whirs]

[Agha] Believe me, my friend.

This is just… how do you say, uh…

spit in the bucket.

There's millions more where this came from, hundreds of millions.

I'm glad to hear that. Because we need 60 million dollars

by next Wednesday.

-Sixty million? -Yes, sixty.

You expect us to give you 60 million dollars?

Oh no, loan it.

But we would give it to you if we had it.

But we don't.

Hundreds of millions.

Oh yes, in two years, three perhaps…

but not by next Wednesday.

No, twelve million, that is all we have.

Well…

That is too bad.

Why?

Because…

I'm calling in the loan.

We want our twenty millions back.

But I told you, we don't have it.

I heard you.

You're taking the mine away?

It that it, Gianfranco? Is that what he's doing?

He doesn't want to, he has to.

They are forcing him.

I see.

Didn't you hear what I said?

We are taking away everything you've got.

For Pete's sake, you're being screwed. You might at least get angry!

Agha…

Tell him, you must tell him.

[Shireen softly laughs]

Tell him what?

You can't take the mine away.

Like hell I can't.

Our agreement states that if you cannot repay the loan

we can take the mine.

[Shireen laughing]

There is no mine.

[Shireen erupts in laughter]

What?

What did you say?

[Shireen laughs]

There's no silver mine!

Of course there is.

I saw it.

No, you merely saw what looked like a mine.

Your imagination did the rest.

[low talking and hand tools]

[Shireen continues laughing]

But there was nothing there. [laughs]

Not even a mine shaft!

[Shireen cackles]

But it doesn't make any sense.

If there's no mine, where does all this come from?

-India. -India?

[Shireen bursts into laughter]

The simple truth is, the Firdausis are smugglers by profession.

On a very large scale, of course.

We collect silver trinkets from India.

Tons of them, ship them over here to Dubai and melt them into bars.

Smugglers, eh?

Apart from oil, smuggling is the largest business on the Persian Gulf.

Gold, watches, cattle, even slaves.

And we simply added silver to the list.

An enterprise of such magnitude needed capital, that is why we came to you.

But why invent a silver mine?

What bank would have loaned money to finance a smuggling operation?

Hmm?

So we created a mine.

After all, there should be a mine at Susa.

It says so in the Bible.

But what should have been, was not.

And to think I trusted you.

All of you.

But no one has cheated you.

We promised you silver, we gave you silver.

But there is no bloody mine.

What difference does it make, huh?

[Doc chuckles] Do you know how insane this is, huh?

Charlie Cook has bought a bank for 60 million dollars

that is worth ten because he thinks there is a silver mine.

If I tell him there is no silver mine

it will blow the deal, and Joe Fiore will kill me.

If I don't tell him, the deal will go through

and I will lose the bank!

Now…

there is silver.

But there is no mine…

Yeah, it could work…

It could work if the timing was right.

I have to go to London right now.

I'll drive you to the airport.

Thank you.

[Shireen] Doc…

We lied…

but we didn't cheat and we didn't steal.

Two out of three's not bad.

Are you coming, John?

Er, no, later.

You go, Doc.

And Doc…

Good luck.

Gianfranco, please.

Yes, yes. Tell me another lie.

I'm still the fool that you think I am.

Listen, Gianfranco.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why?

That man is the only friend I've ever had in my life.

The only one.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why?

Would you have gone along?

No.

[Shireen sighs]

That is why.

[in Italian] Filthy tramp.

-[slap] -[Shireen gasps]

[slap]

[slap]

Would you like to stay for dinner?

Yes.

Very much.

[agent] Good morning, gentlemen.

We are most proud that we've been selected as escrow agent

for this transaction.

Ah, here's the sherry.

Yeah, I'll have a Pepsi.

Yes.

As I understand it, the Californian Bank wishes to purchase

the Swiss Bank.

I have here a copy of an audit report prepared by Mr. David Luckem.

Are both parties in agreement that this represents a true condition

of the Swiss Bank?

-[Foreman] Yeah. -Yes, sir.

Is the er, seller prepared to transfer his shares?

Is the er, purchaser satisfied?

Uh, yes sir.

Is the purchaser prepared to, uh, to tender payment in full?

Er, yes sir.

A cashier's check for 60 million dollars.

And no cents.

Is the seller satisfied?

Yes, sir.

Well, all the proper documents having been duly exchanged,

I declare this sale concluded.

-Both parties will now shake hands. -Is that necessary?

I beg your pardon?

Is that a condition of sale?

No, but it's customary in these circumstances to…

Good, I'm not in the habit of shaking hands with hoodlums.

Let's go, Donald.

Donald, you forgot the shares.

We expect you to have your things out of our bank by Monday.

Or Tuesday.

[door closes loudly]

Well, that was undoubtedly the most appalling display

of bad manners I have ever witnessed.

[both laugh maniacally]

[Foreman laughs]

I have to hand it to you, Donald.

You have done a truly remarkable job.

Oh thank you, sir.

I think I can safely say you're in line to become the youngest member

of the Board of Directors in the bank's history.

That audit report was a masterpiece.

Those oils storage tanks were marvellous.

Was that your idea?

Matter of fact, it was, sir.

That was a nice touch.

You know, there was a moment there when I thought you might not approve.

Nonsense.

I've always said banking should be as creative as…

I know what you mean, sir.

[car engine rumbles past]

You've never seen me in a negotiation, have you, Donald?

Keep your eyes and ears open and you'll learn something.

I am going to bump the price to 80 million.

Take or leave it.

That's the wait it is, Mr. Cook.

Eighty million dollars.

Take it or leave it.

Well, I rather think I'll leave it.

You don't really mean that, Mr. Cook.

No, but I do.

Sixty million was the price we discussed, wasn't it?

Perhaps it was but now…

Then as far as I'm concerned the matter's closed.

Oh, what the hell…

That's not worth arguing about.

Let's say 75 million dollars.

[Cook] Let's say goodbye, Mr. Foreman.

-[Donald] You're doing great, sir. -[door closes]

[Foreman] You're bluffing, Cook.

You need that silver mine and you know it.

[Doc] What silver mine?

What's he doing here? I thought he was out of this deal.

[Cook] Dr. Fletcher has generously supplied me

with some fascinating information.

There is no silver mine, never has been.

[Foreman] Mr. Cook, is this your idea of a joke?

I never joke about silver, Mr. Foreman.

It's a trick, isn't it? I mean it must be a trick.

[Nick] I'm afraid not, dear fellow.

We've checked it out rather thoroughly.

[Foreman] Wait.

I'm out 60 million dollars.

Will you stand still for God's sake?

Where are you going?

[Cook] Walk a mile after every meal, keeps the juices flowing.

[Foreman] Didn't you hear what I said?

I am out 60 million dollars.

[Doc] Not necessarily. You have insurance, don't you?

[Foreman] Sure I do. Don't I, Donald?

Yes, sir. You can collect up to 50 million in case of fraud.

-You sure? -Positive, sir.

Well, there's sure as hell been a fraud, a non-existent silver mine.

[Albert] What silver mine?

You better read your own report sometime.

It doesn't mention anything about a silver mine.

Don't worry, sir.

Maybe silver isn't mentioned, but oil storage tanks are.

And there aren't any of those, either.

Well, that's still a fraud, isn't it, Donald?

Of course, sir.

There you are, you got 50 million dollars back already.

Now you're only out ten.

Only? Did you say only?

I'll tell you what, so nobody loses anything,

I'll give you ten million dollars out of my own pocket.

[Foreman] Where would you get ten million dollars?

[Doc] From Mr. Cook, of course.

From Mr. who?

[Doc] To keep me from dumping all that silver on the open market.

What silver? I thought there wasn't any silver?

No, there is no mine, but there is plenty of silver.

Ten million, Mr. Cook, and I'll see to it that the Firdausis

sell only to you.

That's little enough to keep the world silver market from collapsing.

Oh, very well.

You've got your ten million.

You hear that Mr. Foreman? Now you're even.

[Foreman] I don't get it.

You're just going to give me ten million dollars?

[Doc] That's right, and in return I want my bank.

Ten million is a fair price.

Take the Goddam thing.

Well, is everything settled now?

I'm afraid there's, er, just one little problem, sir.

What is it now, Donald?

Well, somebody's going to have to go to jail.

-Are you sure about that? -Positive, sir.

In case of fraud the insurance company's going to insist on a criminal indictment.

Someone's gotta go to jail.

Well, the question is, who's going to take the fall?

Whoever's guilty.

If there's a case of fraud,

somebody's got to be guilty.

[sniffs]

You know, I like the way that boy thinks.

So…

who's going to be the guilty person?

Well, clearly the man who prepared the report.

[slow musical flourish]

Congratulations, you actually picked the right fella.

Eh eh, she's married to me now. You have the bank.

Oh, Alberto, remember me to your papa when you get to Las Vegas.

Oh, we're going to New York, Prince.

We've got a pretty good thing lined up there.

Yeah. Strictly legit, too.

Charlie Cook made me an offer.

You know, next to big business the racket is just nickels and dimes.

[Prince laughs]

[Shireen] I hope you'll come to visit us in Iran.

Oh sure, maybe you'll sell me another silver mine.

-[Shireen laughs] -Oh, by the way!

Isn't it strange that your brother never actually turned up at the wedding?

You always knew, didn't you?

[Doc and Shireen laugh] Yeah, of course I always knew.

-Who was he anyway? -He was an actor.

And not a very good one at that.

Ah the poor fellow, finally believed the part

and now he's convinced the silver is there.

Well, after all the Bible said so!

But you didn't need him.

Would you have loaned 20 million dollars to a woman?

No, you're right. You did need him.

[all laugh]

-Goodbye, Doc. -So long, princess.

[door is closed loudly]

I'm gonna miss you, Excellence.

[in Italian] Goodbye, Doctor.

Good luck with the smuggling.

I prefer to call it export/imports, strictly legit.

[Doc laughs]

[car engine rattles softly]

[Albert] Hurry up, Doc!

[Doc] You lose something?

[engine starts up]

You want to tell me what you're doing here?

We were appealing Donald's sentence.

Three years is too much for what he did.

What happened?

The judge said that in Switzerland a crime against a bank is unforgivable.

It's not fair, he was only following orders.

Where'd they put him?

A little jail just outside of town.

How's he taking that?

Oh, great.

He says he's going to write a book about the whole thing

and make a fortune.

-You going to leave him? -No.

I promised I'd find a little place close to the jail

so I could stay near him.

He's a lucky man.

I guess that's it then, eh?

I guess so.

Goodbye.

[engine revs up]

You didn't say "Goodbye."

I was just thinking, your place is pretty close to the jail, isn't it?

That's right.

Get in.

[Debbie] Woo!

[jaunty theme plays]

[typewriter]