Original subtitles

A boy. A boy. I've got a little boy. A little boy. Mr. Stone, it isn't a boy.

It's a girl.

And will you please let go of my finger?

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

As they would do unto you.

Dearly beloved brethren, we are gathered here tonight to make money.

You know, it was our own dear Lord who said, and I'm inclined to agree with

that the meek shall inherit the earth.

Now, if the meek are going to inherit the earth, what are the single men going

to get?

Tell you what they're going to get, they're going to get married, because

everybody wants to be something different nowadays.

Poor men wish they were rich.

Rich men wish they were handsome.

Single men wish they were married. And married men wish they were dead.

So single men take warning before... Let me tell you something. She made it like

a million dollars now, but in 20 years' time, she's still at like a million

dollars. In loose change.

So before she takes you down that path to the gallows, down the aisle to the

altar, think of the aisle, think of the altar, think of the hymn.

Because if she looks at you, that's what she is thinking.

I'll alter him.

Let me tell you something.

Nature gave woman eyes like the stars, a complexion like silk, and a mouth like

a rosebud.

She stuck her tongue in it and smelled the whole damn thing.

You know three wise monkeys?

You know which one's married?

Right!

True, my wife can hold three billiard balls in her mouth without making a

cannon.

And she smiles, she gets lipstick on her ears.

I can read her like a book, I wish I could shut her up the same way.

back when he opens his wallet.

That's true, that is.

My wife says to me the other day, she said, I want three new dresses.

I said, what would a woman want for three new dresses? She said, three new

How about that?

it was an old gorilla.

And as he lay dying, he called me to his bedside, and just before he sold me his

washing chain, he said to me, Always remember, a dead bird never falls out of

its nest.

And I never forgot that.

I never found out what the hell he meant, but I never forgot it. He used to

Help your enemies that'll confuse the hell out of them.

And my grandmother would say, It's the little things in life that hurt. You can

sit on top of a mountain, but you can't sit on...

One day she broke her leg, so we shot her.

But ladies and gentlemen, nobody's wrong all the time.

Even the clock that don't go is right twice a day.

Believe me, one of these days all your worries and troubles will be over, and

your country of Britain will be great again.

You won't live to see it, buddy.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. Very nice to be with you once again.

And we're starting off tonight with some more of those terrible moments of

television from the studios of the world.

And so is the cake mixture ready for the cake and ready for the bacon.

Let's lift the bacon off the swine.

We can have the bacon in the oven.

Nuts.

Nuts.

And for better making the cake mixture, you must have an egg. An egg. An egg.

An egg.

Welcome to the Hello Hair studio.

Hello, Marlo. Your hair looks very nice.

Thank you. But I do have... trouble with my end.

What you need is balance.

What you need is balanced action.

We'll soon put that right.

What I'm going to do now is to give Marlowe some soft curls over this ear

some more soft curls over that there, here, here, there.

And you'll soon see how it has a hold with how it...

What I'm going to do now is to brush Marlowe's hair with

gentle downward strokes and keeping it nice

and even so that the hair falls in nice

natural strokes.

I'm going to spray the back of her hair downwards. I always spray downwards.

shaving cream. I've been looking for that everywhere.

Oh, but I take it daily, Kiernan.

Yes,

we have in here.

to how to make a decent omelette.

Johnny, that's me. What thinks you of omelette?

Omelette? Yeah.

To be or not to be.

That is the question.

This is the answer.

If you have Nick enough to go round, if you have Nick enough to go round, what

can you do?

Yeah, we can give him the ice smacking in the middle and we are getting some.

an integral part of our big city nightlife.

I refer to the... I refer to the

escort agencies.

Well, for a price, you could have that special evening with someone

charming, attractive, wild.

amicably disposed to your ever ephemeral whim.

Most escort agencies supply only girls, but the Scuttle Escort Agency also

supplies men.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, viewers.

Good evening, Mr. Scuttle. Now, Mr. Scuttle, if a lady came to you and said

she wanted a night of excitement, glamour, sensuality, and

If she wanted all these things... Yes, sir.

Not necessarily, sir.

I could do mine.

Quite a few days' notice.

No, sir. First of all, sir, I would send her jewels.

Oh, expensive jewels.

No, it's very reasonable jewels.

Oh, Jules.

Yes, sir.

Jules. Avoir du poids acroid.

He's French. Half French.

By a friend of his father's. Yes, sir.

Tell me, is he bilingual?

I believe some of them are, sir.

I could find out if you require it.

Personally, sir, I think that Homo sapiens and Lebanese should be left to

own devices, sir. I mean, he earns his money, that's the main thing. They all

do, sir. Some of the women that come in here for the fellas, sir.

There's one woman comes in here for jewels, sir. Well, I tell you, if Moses

seen her face, there'd have been another commandment, sir.

for women.

But with her, it's natural.

She's got sunken cheeks, shallow eyeballs, deep dimples, and a cleft

When she smiles, her old face caves in.

Not a pretty sight, though, no.

But she's loaded. Most nights, she is.

She's potty about jewels, you know. They all are. They look jewels, you know.

Tell me, what is it that he has that the others haven't got?

Nothing really, sir. You've just got it grouped better, sir.

It's not easy to put your finger on it, really, sir.

How can you define me in tangerine, sir?

It's a lot of things, sir. It's the casual way he lollops about,

picking his tooth with a fork.

Then again, sir, when cross -legged, it's that little expanse of dainty flesh

that he reveals, so it's the bottom of his...

boiler suit and the top of his clogs.

In a word, sir, I would say charm. Pure, unadulterated charm, sir. And a great

lover. He taught himself.

Yes, he did, sir, and at the end of night, end of the evening, sir, he gives

every lady a long -stemmed rose, sir, with a handwritten love poem attached.

Ah, the pen is mightier than the sword.

And easier to write with as well, sir.

Yes. a load of this pray do not crush my buds as you hold them or

the stalk that is hanging beneath place them

instead next to your bed in the glass where you keep your false teeth get you

there doesn't it sir get you there as well but mostly there Mind you, not all

women go for these handsome, rugged, Romeo, good -looking types, you know.

all good -looking men are conceited. I'm not, sir.

You see, sometimes they like someone they can mother, you see. We send little

Jackie along. They love him, sir. He's got a little boy lost look. A look of

complete disillusionment, sir. Like Malcolm Allison watching Crystal Palace,

know.

Mr. Scuttle... Yes, sir. How do the ladies get hold of your Lotharios?

Not as often as I'd like to.

And very carefully. They choose carefully.

I parade them and the ladies choose. Would the viewers like to see?

I'm sure they would like to see. Would you stand back, sir? I'll see.

I say, stand by, lad.

Gaston.

Yes,

your calca shows.

Look at that.

I'd kiss your little hand, madam, to show that I'm high class.

And I'd kiss your hand, madam.

I'd rather kiss... Here, wait a minute.

Get him with you. I'm very sorry. Mark!

Mark!

You sound like a dog with no roof to its mouth. Mark!

He's around behind, sir.

He's around front as well, sir.

Would you like to meet the bottle? That would be nice. Come along. This little

Johnny, sir. There he is. Look, he's blushing, sir. He's only 27, sir. He's

About 30 years.

Yes. The thing is, sir, quite honestly, he has only just come out of the

Merchant Navy and he doesn't know much about the opposite sex, sir.

I don't think he knows which is the opposite sex.

Yes.

They're the ones that go backwards when you dance.

You see, he's burning.

All the tides stood him. This one over here. There he is. He is our wit. Now,

you see, we can provide escorts for any occasion, sir.

Well, Mr. Scuttle, I'm now going to put your claims to the test. I would like

for tonight someone young, charming, attractive, gay.

I don't suppose any of them four.

In fact, none of those would do, sir. No, no, no, no. I had a woman in mind.

Did you?

When was this?

Oh, sir, don't worry, because we have an even better selection of young ladies.

Because some of the fellas that come here, some of the punters, you know,

Oh, they've got some peculiar taste. They're a funny lot, you know, sir. They

have little peccadillos.

I had heard, sir. I had heard.

Bye -bye, ladies. Here they come, sir.

Our lovely, glamorous ladies. Look at that.

Look at that little lot there, eh?

Hang on. Bella!

Come on, love.

Come on!

You stand as much chance as the others. Come on, love. Yes!

He wants a sporty girl. He wants to have a bit of fun. Back to the hotel.

Bit of fun. Have it. Anyone you like, sir. Take your pick, sir. Anyone you

Come on, stop crying, stop crying. I'll take you.

Oh, what a wise choice, sir.

And I'm not just saying that because she's my wife, sir.

She is the best here, and I can tell you that with great conviction, sir.

£50, sir.

£50? She is the best. She's the deluxe night out, sir. Oh, there we are. Thank

you very much, sir. That's lovely. Now, now, now, stop crying, stop crying.

Look, out of all those girls, you're the one I picked.

molesting here.

I'm talking to her, not you. I love it.

Herman, it's called Hawaii.

Miriam, I keep telling you the name of the place. It's Hawaii.

It's Hawaii.

It's Hawaii.

Pardon me, sir. Would you mind telling us if this place is called Hawaii or

Hawaii? Hawaii.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Don't forget that the first prize is a seat next to Brian Clough to watch

Brighton play at home.

The second prize is two seats next to Brian Clough to watch Brighton play at

home.

Well, see then if you agree with our judges as they pick their goalkeeper of

year. Is it A, Ginger Tompkins?

He's rolling to back mat, to wing a string out, to strike a lacquer.

And he's herring down the field. Look at that ball control.

Absolutely magnificent.

Rivaling Georgie Dempsey.

Absolutely flummoxing them.

And there he goes.

Herring down. And he's going to shoot.

And Jass. Jass saves it.

Oh, to save a ball like that, you really need a huge Jass.

Is it goalie D?

Willie Grover of Bristol City Rovers.

The referee,

Mr. Hall, is having a marvellous day.

He's keeping it flowing and a lesson to all referees.

He shoots.

Walter Guy from British West Hampstead, the ex -ballet dancer, ex -male model.

Off we go.

Magnificent kick. And here in the goal is the people.

Saved by Walter Guy of British West Hampstead. He is the people of the

of Cambridge. And another magnificent save.

Walter Guy.

Walter Guy. He really is absolutely incredible in goal. And now he's doing a

little part of the... And another magnificent save.

Well, after due deliberation and much soul -searching, the judges have decided

that the goalkeeper of the year is...

your Tompkins.

And here to present the prize is none other than our old friend, Geordie Peck.

It would be great pleasure to present this trophy to you and to place it in

hands which have often been considered as safe as a bank of women.

Do you want to marry my daughter, Ella May?

I sure do.

You know, she's 15 years old.

But she looks 12.

That's true.

Thank you.

And ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is without a doubt.

So will you welcome with the hottest band in town, the delightful Judith

Why are you looking at me like that for? Why do you look at me like that?

Captain,

we've just captured some more of you Nazis.

They've, um, all got pally arses.

That's nice to know.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Now, look here, you fellows.

Let's be honest with each other, shall we?

You're not going to try and escape from here, are you?

No.

We're all happy here in Colpitt's Castle, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

So, you play... ball with me and I'll play

ball with you.

Now then, let's have a little looky -look in my bookie -book.

Bookie -book?

Ich denke, Herr Major, ist ein Puff.

You must not call that Puff ein Major.

That Puff ist ein Colonel.

Guck mal, unter das Arm ist das Baton.

What does he know how to do with the baton?

And what does he know how to do with the baton? He knows how to stick it on the

jumper.

Do you know how to stick it on the jumper, the big baton?

The whole little jumper.

Not on your Nelly, not our beloved Colonel.

sir, how happy and delighted he is to be working under such a foot -exionist as

your good self, sir.

Make a little shine, sir. Make a little shine. Make a little sunshine.

Now, look here, Captain Stuck.

I've decided to hold you... Thank you, sir.

...personally... That's even better, sir.

...responsible... Oh, thank you, sir. ...any attempt to escape your...

before on a diet of bread and water.

Oh, extra rations. Goodie, goodie, goodie, goodie. That's nice, that's

must find a hole.

Ghost!

I am the escaping officer.

And what I said, the ghost.

Yes, yes. But do you have a hole?

Do I have a hole?

I have a good hole.

Now then.

speaking only the English that is being spoken by the British people in the

prairie of their own home.

Do you understand?

Yes! Yes!

Why should you, the escape officer, be? Because I, the best man for the job, am.

I was the only man to escape from the Minsky prison in Moscow, under the nose

the Kremlin himself.

Men found escaping from that prison are dragged through the streets by the

Bolsheviks.

And then they are incarcerated in the same cell that they put

Lenin.

Lenin.

Lenin. Leninin.

Leninin. Stalininin. They're all those. I was in the elite panzer division. I

was in the airborne commandos. I thought you were the crooked cologne.

Get out, you pig.

That is us in the house here. There is the growth gate. We open the gate and

outside we get on a bus. It will be a dirty one.

Why should it be a dirty one?

Because the only bus that comes past here is a number dirty one.

you will board a train.

Do not attract attention.

Act naturally on the train. If you feel like a slash, have a slash in the

compartment, slash on the D, slash on the floor.

If you can manage it, slash on the ceiling.

And when people see you, wave your knife about in your hand, and they will think

you are footballs to board up.

Indeed, in conversation with the bandage, such as words like, Watcher me

cock sparrow.

Knees up, mother brown.

And go and get connoted.

Go and get stew fake.

Give us a kiss and show us you can nickel.

It's me, it's me, it's me.

It's a plane, it's a plane, it's a plane. I put my hand in. Yeah.

Yeah. I have the handle. I turn the handle.

Captain, stop!

Ja, ich bin hierher, Colonel.

You don't know me.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome three lovely young ladies who sing with

one voice, which is pretty smart, because the other two... Ladies and

the farinaceous Lady Bird!

Those were such happy times not so long ago, how I wondered where

they'd gone.

But they're back again, just like a long lost friend, all the songs I

loved so well.

Every sha -la -la -la, every whoa -ho -ho, till sha -

Just like before, it's yesterday once more.

To give you a lesson, looking back on how it was in

years gone by.

And the good times that I had, makes today seem rather

sad. So much has changed.

It was songs of love that I would sing to them, and I'd memorize each

word. Those old melodies still sound so good to me as they

melt the years away.

Every shine, every rose still shines.

Every single...

It's yesterday one more time.

with $200 in it. Yeah, sure as hell did.

$200. What did you do about it? I put an advert in the lost and found column of

the Budapest News.

Hey, Paul, can I go out to play?

What, with them hos in your trousers?

No, Paul, with the kids across the street.

Thanks so much, Abney.

Well, I reckon it's cheaper than sending a wife to a beauty parlor.

Desperado Y tú, tú contestando Quizás,

quizás, quizás

Now we sing for you one beautiful song all about a boy who says my girl is like

my guitar because she have a pretty little white ears a long slim white neck

lovely shoulders, a slim waist, and he loved her very, very much.

Some say it's from Venezuela,

where one night on the deck of a whaler, a drunken and barefooted sailor tried

to put out a fag with his feet.

Some say that it's Mexico City, where the girls all parade in their pretties.

I'd like to get hold of their ditties, but they stink because they're terribly

sweet. A dirty old man one day with his van splashed mud over Lolita's knee.

She said, heavens above.

And he said, I know love, but I've got to get back for my tea.

Oh, you'll never find hairs on a duck egg, but you'll always find hairs on an

ape. And it's only the hairs on a goose brain that stop me from being a great.

went into his kitchen.

Said to his landlord, Mr. Plum, have you corn on the cob? And he said, I have

not, but I do have a boil on my thumb.

My lolo, he just crossed up Paris with a crocodile. He calls it Roy.

He said, sit up and beg so we'd bit off his leg and said, no, the saucy boy.

We buried poor Fred because he was dead. His favourite and was read out.

But his half sister Maud said she couldn't afford a nice tone so they just

his head out.

There was a young man from Caracas who was larking around like a jackass.

Then he slipped and fell on his maracas which promptly brought tears to his

eyes. So if your name is Harton or Larton or Martin or Barton or Barton

I have a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Please don't blame our doggie. It's not his fault at all.

Someone left a wet umbrella standing in the hall.

Why is it cemeteries always have walls? It's silly beyond a doubt. The people

outside don't want to go in and the people inside can't get out.

Arsenal 27, Real Madrid 0.

Now the landlord of the Green Dragon says his lodging house is the best.

To kid you, he's got central heating, he answers the door in his vest.

Every night he's out dancing, but for him it is terribly cheap.

Because he drinks vodka and Horlicks, when it's time to pay, he's asleep.

Now I once had to share a bedroom with a holiday maker who snored.

My wife said, he'll keep you awake all night.

You are bound to be bored.

I said, never fear, I have an idea. So after I switched out the light...

Before I went to sleep, I kissed him on the cheek and he stayed awake all night.

Now,

outside

the bar in Toledo, where my wife had had more than a fill, a man stood rotating

a chicken on a flaming hot infrared grill.

She staggered up to him and shouted with a voice just like a downed crier.

She said, hey, mate, your barrel organ is broken. What's more, your monkey's on

fire.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that's all we've time for, but we look forward

to seeing you all again very, very soon. Till then.