Original subtitles

Darling, there's a very important question I want to ask you.

I want you to be my...

Be my...

Gondor.

Gondor?

Gondor. Oh, that's not right, Ray.

M. Barrister.

The wisest man I ever knew had a cottage outside Loo.

His name was David Alexander Kidd. It was David who predicted the world would

end in 1960.

And for David Alexander Kidd it did.

He was round his grocers, Mr. Spicer, playing with his bacon slicer.

A lovely girl with great big knuckles.

Known as Sue.

When the blade cut off his hand, he picked it up and ran to see the famous

surgeon, Dr.

Pugh. He said, can you sew it back again? He said, of course I can, my

But first of all, you'll have to pay 2 ,000 quid.

He said, I can't afford to pay.

He said, in that case, good day. Push off home.

That's what David did.

As he passed the water mill, he glanced up at the hill to where the Chapel of

St. Levi used to stand.

down he saw little father down who was sitting with his surplus in his

hand he was stitching up a tear and sewing with such care david said father

could you sew my hand back on he said there is nothing in god's plan that is

beyond the scope of man but first of all you must have faith my son so while

faith held his thumb david sat down while he his chum stitched back

his hand just like it was before.

It's a miracle, Dave cried.

The priest just smiled with humble pride.

Humble pride?

And he saw him disappear across the moor. When Dave got back to his street,

should he chance to meet but the wicked profiteering Dr. Pew?

Dave said, look what faith has done for me.

Ah, and done it all for free. So, Dr. Pew, you...

the delectable Diana Darby!

¿Usted cree que yo tengo bonita figura?

Sí, sí, sí.

Muchas gracias, porque si usted dice que no, voy a decir que usted es un loco.

Sí, sí.

Like a native.

Ladies and gentlemen, with her personal drummer, El Sidney.

or if you catch her right.

Last night she's out sowing the wild oats. This morning she's praying for a

failure.

The only two who can live as cheap as one is a horse and a sparrow.

Think about it.

My philosophy is live every day as if it was your last.

Because one day you'll be right.

after something.

If I come home late, she thinks I've had it.

She's right.

Then you'll know that everything is going to be just like it used to be.

My wife has got a figure like a Venus.

Pencil.

She has all the charm of a temporary filling.

I'd keep her in the mouth, but why should I improve her look?

I've heard of girls who walk home from rides.

She rides home from walks.

Last night she came home, been out driving with the producer, came in one

shoe. I said, how come you got one muddy shoe? She said, I changed my mind.

It's a very simple story that I tell and it's half as old as time. Once

upon a time there were two Chinamen.

Now look how many.

The romance of a boy and girl and whispered words that mean I love you.

The wife, go out and see if it's raining. She just called the dog in and

it's wet.

Not even in my wildest dreams could I imagine that we'll ever

part. You know who's got no imagination?

The parents of Ephraim Symbolus Jr.

Some days to myself he has won and all my lovely daydreams will come true.

Woke up this morning, had a cup of coffee with two lumps, the wife and her

mother.

I'll tell you something. If you go around with your wife at breakfast time,

settle it by using psychology.

Smack her in her mouth, it would have a grapefruit.

Not only will it settle the argument, but you'll be given her vitamin C as

Oh, God, this kid comes from Spain.

She came across with 50 sailors before she left.

Eastern power shall be nameless.

Russia!

They have in their possession the entire plan of the next NATO exercise.

A microfilm no bigger than a postage stamp.

But how do you read it? You lick it and stick it on your eyeball.

Get it back before it falls into the hands of...

You know who.

Russia!

He keeps it in a snuff box. A snuff box?

A small, anti -pagnetic, bulletproof, silver snuff box.

Now, he knows what you look like. But, being a master of disguise, I'm sure

won't worry you, Mappy.

Skipper, sounds to me like a job for...

Thank you.

Oh, look at the balance. Oh, look at the balance. Oh, look at the balance.

Oh, look at the balance. Oh, look at the balance.

Oh, look at the balance.

Oh, look at the balance.

person, do you?

Search him thoroughly.

Search him?

Why waste time? I'm sure he hasn't got it on him.

You can't be sure, can you? I mean, I don't know. I might have it

on me right now.

Nothing there?

Thank you very much.

Will you welcome design?

Once we were lost in love But then one day

You had had enough And I thought

of nothing

Have you back again?

Second love is twice as fine as the one that came before.

We'll be even closer.

We'll know each other more.

We'll make up in double for the crazy things we've done.

I believe our second love is second to none.

how many times

It's second to none.

Mr. Spieler.

It is an honor and a pleasure.

It's an honor and a pleasure for us. That's what I meant.

Nearly all your films star men rather than women. Are you against actresses?

as often as I'd like to be.

But personally, I think it

all stems back to the days when I made my first column. And I had the actress

Victoria V.

hoisted on me. She was named after your queen, Victoria.

And not so damn long after, either.

But oh, God, she was big.

I mean, everybody's entitled to be big, but she abused the privilege. She was

big!

She couldn't dance. She couldn't act.

What could she do? With difficulty, stand up.

I remember at one point the hero, you know, he had an arrow shot into his leg

because the Indians were chasing him. They hated him, you know. They hated him

from three pictures back.

was the producer's niece.

Oh, I see. She got her job through relatives.

So did your queen.

Anyway, we got her a Stetson and a Spurs and a hop -along

chastity belt. She looked like a cowgirl. And we got a few little... You

She looked like a cowgirl. She looked more like a girl cow.

But fortunately, I...

who was an ex -Marine.

God, he was gorgeous.

And in a very old sort of way, you understand.

And he was very butch. And I remember he was built like a brick shipyard. He

really was.

He won the Golden Gloves, you know, the tournament.

They were gorgeous. They came up to here.

And he was so witty, you know, I should never forget the first time I met him in

the Hollywood office there. I said, where's the water cooler?

He said, in the last...

Gorgeous boy you really are. You made several films with W .C. Fields. I made

his first color film. That was Lulu Bell with Mae West.

Well, we have a clip. Oh, wonderful, yeah.

Oh, tender, give me two fingers of red eye, will you?

Thank you.

Medicinal purposes only, I understand.

But the two fingers don't go any more.

Thank you, sonny. You remembered.

Say, how's the wife?

Better than nothing, I guess.

Young man, I have just been involved in a fracas.

Veritable montage of fisticuffs.

Who was you fighting with, little John?

You heard of Mark McGooley's?

The Milwaukee Mauler?

Why, sure.

His mother.

No, Don.

Uh, yes, I did.

I did, you know. But I kicked her.

Hard. That must have hurt.

No, it didn't. I had my boots on.

Nearly stomped my great toe.

Well, hello there, handsome.

Yeah, why, don't think he has a bad as I live and breathe heavily.

Haven't seen a thing like that since I was weaned.

I've a little job, ma 'am.

Well, we all have.

And you don't know what you're missing.

It means Angelica.

Angelica!

Oh, what are you from this Appalachian?

My friend called me Angel for short, but not for long.

And it's true what they say about you, ma 'am. You're a scarlet woman. You're

cheap. You're common. You're promiscuous. You're permissive.

I like that in a girl.

to press my eager lips against your dainty digits.

What are you trying to do? Dig my diamonds up with your nose?

I haven't had a hell like that since last night.

Yeah, four aces and a king.

Playing poker.

Put that hand back in the goldfish bowl, will you, dear? Watch it, Sonny.

Sonny, why, ma 'am, I'll have you know I'm not a fuddy -duddy. I'm not a moon

-calf. Have you known my father was a mare?

What was your mother?

A jockey?

Well, have you known my father fought the last of the Mohicans?

My father made the Brooklyn Bridge. My father made the Empire State Building.

What did your father ever make?

Look me over, big boy.

Look me over.

Yeah. Now, go on up to my room and have a little kitchen sofa.

You follow me?

So long, boys.

Get a load of that what?

Yeah, reminds me, I'm skipping what's fixed.

You

have

a reputation for being unconventional and for doing your own thing.

Oh, well, I believe you should do your own thing.

I've always felt that, you know.

Because, I mean, sometimes if Bruce and I want to have a martini, you know, we

just have one. I mean, we don't even fly the seaplanes down to Little Island or

anything.

Oh,

sometimes when I'm feeling reckless, I have after eight minutes at seven o

'clock.

your sequel to the Carol Baker film, Baby Doll, you've reversed the roles and

the woman child becomes a man child and you've called it Baby Boy. Baby Boy. Oh,

and the lead in this, this boy is gorgeous. Oh, he's gorgeous. Well, we

closing scene from Baby Boy and good night and thank you, Mr. Spieler.

Great honor.

recognize that boy's underwear.

Uncle Rastor.

It's not so, Uncle Rastor.

It's your intended loosey -comfort.

Let me in.

I can't let you into my booty wall on account of I'm wearing my pyjamas.

Well, wait a minute, baby boy. Why can't you open the door in your pyjamas?

Because I don't have a door in my pyjamas.

Well, look, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to get out of bed now,

and I'm going to leave my...

And I'm going to trip over to the door and I'm going to let you in. And when I

say come in, I'm going to unlock it. When I say come in, you can come in and

knock before.

I'd be sitting on my bed anyway because I don't believe in that sort of thing.

Well, not before marriage anyway.

And ain't none too sure about afterwards either.

But, baby boy, I can't wait forever. I'm getting old.

You sure are. Still ain't none of us getting any younger. I should be 20

tomorrow.

Ain't none of us getting any older either.

Ain't you got me nothing by birthday?

Yeah. I bought you some nice presents. Some nice presents?

And you take...

He ain't so.

He got nice wavy hair. Well, I got nice wavy hair.

Well, he got strong white teeth. Well, I got strong white teeth.

Well, he got brains and intelligence.

Well, I got strong white teeth.

Well, if my daddy was here, he'd horse whip you. Haven't he had a horse?

Your daddy.

Your daddy.

That's all you talk about is your daddy. I don't reckon you never had a mammy. I

did so too have a mammy.

Just don't like to think of her, that's all.

just don't like to remember that night when she was stood on the railroad track

and the rain were coming down and the wind and the howling.

I said, Mammy, move, Mammy, move.

And the train was getting nearer and nearer. The trains were running then.

And I said, Mammy, Mammy. I said, move, Mammy, and the train's getting nearer

and nearer. And the winds are howling. She's just staring out into space like

she was deranged.

I said, can you hear this train? They're getting near. And I said, Mammy, move.

Mammy, please, it's your little baby crying. The train's getting nearer. And

said, Mammy, move! Move!

Move!

What happened?

She moved.

Baby boy, won't you ever grow up? Don't!

Thank you.

I told you before, that's ironed a pie under the chair.

Don't you even know what a grown -up is?

Well, a grown -up is a me taking your hand like this.

I put my arm round you like this.

And I kiss you like this.

You

might well...

Would Mr.

caught your daughter.

a muffin, eh?

All that meat and no potatoes, eh?

Oh, Gordy, I say, can Meg come out to play?

Free farming!

Free farming? Well, we've only had 12 fights.

Blimey, I thought your squiree was going to start picking...

My sister got Earl coming round this evening.

I bet he's not a belted Earl. He will be if my old man catches him.

Hey, Larry.

Yeah? Is he entitled to bare arms?

Oh, yeah, bare arms, bare legs, bare anything he likes.

Right, I can't stand here all day long. I shall repair to my chamber.

Right, the hand will come off, isn't it?

What's up with him? Yeah, he's got no sense of humour.

They hanged his father this morning.

I'm telling you, in tournaments, they're all fixed. Look, the other night, I

went up Kenilworth. I seen the Kenilworth Crusher versus the Black

didn't I? Yeah. Now, there's two fools each.

Yeah. Then the Knight takes his pipe up Crusher's queer ass, doesn't he?

Then the Crusher kicks him in the codpiece and wins by a submission in the

fifth. I tell you, I seen the same jousting tournament three weeks ago down

Windsor. They're all fixed, mate.

Well... Pop them two over there, eh? Oh, lovely grub.

Here. What?

Oh, don't think much of mine.

Now, there you go. You see, you're jumping to conclusions again, aren't

That's the only exercise you ever get.

Look, you're assuming... You're assuming that the attractive one of them two

will go for the attractive one of us two.

No, I think she'll go for you, mate.

May Queen this year. I can fix it for you. I know Lord Morley and the judges.

You must be out of your medieval mind.

I'd like to be May Queen.

It must be her face. It's got ears on it.

I was Miss Bunstopper last year.

That don't surprise me.

Let's go up to Bidders Green and have a jig round the maypole. Or the Omen

Colonial, if you prefer.

Yeah, he'll serenade you. He can sing.

He can sing and play the lute. Go on, Harry. Give him a song. No, they don't

hear me sing.

We do.

No, you don't hear me sing. Come on.

No, you don't hear me sing.

Oh, right. Then if he doesn't... If you really want to hear me sing... Here we

go.

Squire Pitt locked his wife in a chastity belt, then climbed up on his

But he left the key with the footman, lest he was killed in the war. Up at the

window he saw the footman, waving frantically.

He said, Squire, fit, this key doesn't fit. And he said, you're telling me.

Oh, monkeys, fronkeys, armadillos too.

Brown tits, blue tits, a little cockatoo. Isn't that a donkey dish to

the... Charm, isn't it? Isn't that a lovely thing to be?

Yes, I've been looking for a boy like you.

Yes, yes, yes.

You've got a musical bent.

A musical bent what?

You've got talent.

Those hands will one day find gold.

And by the look of your nails, you've started digging already.

Just stick by me and I'll make you top troubadour of the country. All you need

is a group of glee singers with pudding face and haircut, a sack butt, a viola,

a pisticoto, and not to mention a quadrille. A quadrille? I said not to

a quadrille.

And pretty soon you'll be rich.

Half a million. What do you get out of it? Fifty percent of the loot. Oh,

not cutting my loot in half.

Oy vey.

Well, if any factor left the way he followed here for me, but

found that fame and fortune did not come easily.

Off you go.

Right -o, Sir Lou.

She is so fine. And she is so fair, I'd follow my lady anywhere.

My life, it shouldn't happen to two dogs.

One dog couldn't handle it.

And I just showed you. Oh, sorry, I forgot about that. Yeah. Uh, hello,

everyone. I'm on in with, uh, Harris Sigmund. Uh -huh, uh -huh. Oh, yeah.

I'm all like, keep going like, uh -huh, uh -huh. I don't know, I'm going to go

like this.

Uh, uh -huh. Ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba

-ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba

-ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba

That's good.

Now look, don't forget that sullen, underprivileged look.

And the yodel.

And the kick in the air.

manly though sorry and whatever you do don't comb your hair and pretty soon

you'll be ready for the big time

Thank you very much indeed, Bert. That's number 18, Bert Flann.

And last, but by no means least, ladies and gentlemen, is number 19, Ivor Biggin

from Mill Hill.

Ivor comes in the shape of 43, 43, 43.

His ambition is to be a straight actor.

His favorite spectator sport is football.

In his spare time, he likes to meet unusual people.

His favorite holiday resort is Greece.

And his favorite day wear is the casual look.

That, then, is Ivor.

So you're Ivor Biggin from Mill Hill?

No. I'm Ivor Mill from Biggin Hill.

Well, I'm sure what all the girls would like to know is, are you married?

Yes, I am married and I have 15 children.

And what's your hobby?

Flying my kite.

What do you think about all this men's live?

Well, I wouldn't go as far as burning my jockstrap or anything like that.

But I do think we ought to be more equal. Me, myself, personally, that's

think. Yes. Well, now, if you won the £1 ,000...

What would you do with it? Well, I should like to help people who are worse

than what I am. I mean, I should like to help unmarried fathers.

And I'd like to start an institute for destitute property speculators.

Well, that's really funny. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

Ivor Biggin. Yes, that's all. Thank you. That's number 19, Ivor Biggin, from

Bell Hill.

The people with the most difficult decision to make are the judges. And I

believe we have it here. Thank you very much indeed.

And as is traditional, ladies and gentlemen, we shall announce the result

reverse order.

Number three is number six, Fred Chuff from

Dawson Apples.

ladies and gentlemen, is number 23, Ted Drunch from Chipping Sodra.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment that we've all been waiting for,

TV Times 1974.

And the winner is number 19, Ivor Biggin from Mill Hill.

Well,

ladies and gentlemen, last year's winner won a fabulous month's holiday in the

Bahamas with Miss Green Girl.

And he's here tonight to crown our new Mr. TV time. Here he is, 19 -year -old

Claude Bottom.

Your breath awaits.

Thank you, sis.

Thank you, auntie. Thank you, Joe.

Thank you, Jamie.