All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s02e08

Stand by.

Like another drink, potty?

I'd love one, Henry.

Well, I'll ring for the Batman.

Good sir.

It's the Betty Hill Show.

And here is Betty Hill.

Now known as Dapper Dan, the lady killer
man.

And those that I don't kill a wound a
bit.

I run a fancy car. I call it the
Mayflower on account of all the Puritans

come across in it.

Now it's a 20 -year -old ham up to the
wood near Boulder. Dan parked the car so

that she'd know what to do.

I said, get in the back now, Pat. She
said, what the hell do you think I am? I

want to stay in the front seat here with
you.

Whoa! Give me an older woman every time,
every time. Give me an older woman

every time.

Because they don't yell and they don't
tell and oh, they're grateful as hell.

give me an older woman every time.

Now, the day my Uncle Joe married my
Aunt Flo, he was 44 and she was 69.

That night as I lay on my bed while I
heard every word they said, I couldn't

help it because the room was next to
mine.

He said, how about it, dear? She
pretended not to hear. He begged and

till his voice was hoarse indeed.

He said, oh, how about it, Flo? She
said, how about what, Joe? He said, oh,

pocket is in a pair of kittens who
sleep.

I don't know that grateful as hell so
can be an older woman every time.

Last year I divorced Maureen. Now, she
was just 19 the day that she became my

bony bride.

She was as cold as charity, just as
frigid as could be. Well, when she

her mouth, a little light came on
inside.

Now, last week I met her at a party. I
was feeling kind again, kind of hearty,

and several whiskeys had sharpened up my
wit.

I said, how about a bit of whoopee? She
said, over my dead body. I said,

Maureen, gal, you haven't changed a bit.

older woman every time, every time. Give
me an older woman every time.

Cause they don't yell and they don't
tell and oh, they're grateful as hell.

give me an older woman every time.

Now, when I was just a boy, I took a
little gal called Joy down to the meadow

and we lay down by a hedge.

I said, do you know, my pretty little
squaw, what your lovely lips are for?

said, to stop my mouth from fraying
around the edge.

Now, I tell you, Mom was 53, but you
know, she still suits me, though later

hearing it really ain't so hot.

But at night, as I lay on my bed, I put
my lips up close to her head, and I say,

well, you going to sleep or what? And
she says, what?

Give me an older woman every time, every
time. Give me an older woman every

time. Because they don't yell and they
don't tell, and oh, they're grateful as

hell. So give me an older woman, a real
hot -blooded woman, a right -wing bitchy

woman. Give me an older woman every
time.

the south coast of England, just a few
short miles from Folkestone, the

enterprising face of industry's private
sector has manifested itself.

Impatient with administrative delay, one
of our best -known northern

entrepreneurs has pushed the boat up,
and he's going ahead with his own

tunnel. What? One short!

You won't stop?

Yeah. Look, you said you were one short!

The man behind it all, Mr. Fred Scuttle.
Good evening, viewers, and welcome...

Tell me, Mr. Scuttle.

How long have you been at it?

How long have I been at what, sir?

How long have you been in this whole
boring business?

Very interesting, sir. A whole boring
business, sir. I'm very sorry, sir.

I didn't get the...

of your nuances, did I there, sir? No.

We have been digging, sir, actually
physically digging, sir, for the last

weeks. Have you been subsidised?

No, sir, no.

I haven't, sir, no.

What about some of the lads, you know?

I haven't inquired, sir.

There's no skin off my nose one way or
the other.

so we don't cry.

When did you implement your recruitment
programme?

Sir?

Get soft.

Months ago, sir. Months ago.

And I've got the best, sir. You've heard
of the lump?

I've got the dollop.

Little Willie Lee doesn't know the
meaning of the word fear. Doesn't know

meaning of the word claustrophobia, sir.

Doesn't know the meaning of the word
hazardous.

Why is that? He's Chinese.

Atlas Charlie.

Atlas? Never wear that.

It's for his selfies, you see. He
collects them. He's got the biggest

of seashells on the seashells in
England.

I didn't think much of his muscles.

You haven't seen his cockles, have you?

How many are there in your consortium?

At any given moment, one, sir.

When they are sitting.

You see, sir, I should think
Longstocking will be empty now, sir.

You should be up content, sir.

Is there a newspaper behind you?

Yes, yes, sir. It's the Sunday Times.

No, I tell a lie, sir. It's the Melody
Maker.

I get them muddled up. They're so
similar, you see.

in the consortium, sir.

That's the only time my lads will read
anything.

That's why they're submitting forms, you
see. They never get the complete story.

How much is this tunnel going to cost?
May I be frank, sir? If you wish. I'll

honest if you'd rather.

All right, sir.

Give or take a pee.

£726 .50.

Is that a conservative estimate? The
same one I showed to Adam Wilson.

He could have had the glory of this,
sir.

I showed Barbara Castle my manifesto in
front of witnesses.

She turned her back on me, sir.

That was taking a chance.

We was going to have... We was going to
have Sir Alec

Douglas Holm down here to turn the first
sod over.

Hume, Sir Alec Douglas Hume.

Did he arrive?

No, sir, he was ill in bed.

With Flo.

I mean, it's all right, they're ignoring
us, but they're not in reality, sir,

because outside they've got a navy, one
of them tote things, they're spying on

us. They've got a navy, they've got one
of them out there.

Frigate. Quite right, sir.

But nevertheless, sir, in seven weeks'
time, we shall have our gala opening,

sir.

60 -girl guys are going to cycle four
abreast. That's too deep.

And it's very wide, you see, sir.

Right the way across, and they'll be
coming... They'll come up there, sir.

sir. They'll come up in France?

Yes, possibly, sir.

But do you really think that you can dig
this tunnel in seven weeks?

I have implemented, sir, a new and novel
incentive scheme.

Oh, what's that?

I pay them in francs.

Really. Well, Mr. Scuttle, we have
actually made a film of your men at

I'm sure the viewers would like to see
what can be done with British grit.

It is W -H -W -O -M. Womb. Oh, sir.
Excuse me, sir. The way to spell womb

is W -O -M -B.

Womb.

You know something, Robert? I'm bloody
sure that girl's never even heard an

elephant with the wind.

It's Womb!

Oh,

hi, Zeke.

How's the wife?

Come to hurt your leg.

I didn't come to hurt my leg. I came to
mend the roof.

I hurt my leg.

I'd like to see your specimen, please.

My what?

Here's where the... Now he's got to ask
him to relax and stop trying to fight

the flower.

Because the young 'uns are going to take
the floor.

I hope they bring it back when they're
done with it.

Because we want to find out who becomes
winner of the quick -tip competition.

all waiting for the result here with
bated breath.

They always bait me breath when I'm
fishing for confidence.

And ah, here we are. The judges have
come up with the winners, finally.

Anyway, I'm going to keep you in
suspenders just a little bit longer.

And I'm going to read them out, the
first three, in reverse order, you see.

Understand what I mean? I'm going to,
like, you know... Right.

Now, the third ones are Fred and Leslie
Wilcox from Penge.

Here at number two, they're coming in
with the twinkling toes, and it's Ted

Tina Tingle from Two.

There we are.

And now, it's the moment that you've all
been waiting for.

the winners of this all winners
competition and here they are it's gene

thomas

Fred Bugle and the orchestra playing us
out with, I'll be seeing you in all the

places.

And the balloons cascading down.

Cascading down over this glamorous fair
with the dancers and everything.

I'll say goodnight to you from... Ladies

and gentlemen, I'm delighted to welcome

to the show the one and only...

You put your hand in the hand of the man
who stilled the water.

You put your hand in the hand of the man
who calmed the sea.

Take a look at yourself and you can look
at others differently.

By putting your hand in the hand of the
man from Galilee.

Well, every time I look into the holy
book, I want to tremble.

When I come to the part how the
carpenter cleared the temple.

Cause the wives and the sellers are no
different fellas than what I profess to

be. And it causes me shame to know I'm
not the girl that I...

You put your hand in the hand of the man
who spilled the water.

You put your hand in the hand of the man
who's gone to sea.

Take a look at yourself and you can look
at others differently by putting your

hand in the hand of the man from
Galilee.

My mama taught me to pray before I read.

You put your hand in the hand of the man
who stilled the water.

You put your hand...

Put your hand in the hand of the man
from Galilee.

You put your hand in the hand of the man
who stilled the water.

Yes, he did.

You put your hand in the hand of the man
who called the sea.

Take a look at yourself and you can look
at others differently.

You're good news.

Once again, we present Departure Lounge,
where people who are leaving this

country, sometimes for very personal
reasons, sometimes for good, tell us

Miss Andre Melly.

There can't be many people viewing this
evening who don't know the name Mervyn

Cruddy.

Pilloried in the press, shunned by
society, he has been obliged to leave

country. But how is it that a man,
young, intelligent...

good -looking and talented, finds
himself in this position.

Well, it's a bit sordid.

That's all right, I understand.

Well, you see, it all started for me
about five years ago. I remember it

well because it was the day after my
21st birthday party.

And me and my friend Mark, who's a very
kind, considerate and warm -hearted

property developer...

Went for a stroll up in Soho. All we
wanted was a breath of fresh air. I

it was all quite innocent.

What time was this? Three o 'clock in
the morning.

We passed an establishment called the
Sexy Erotica Playgirl Club.

A blonde stood in the doorway with
heavily massacred eyeballs.

A low -cut blouse barely concealing her
ample portions.

Ample proportions.

All those sailors she quilped.

the place is full of fun -loving girls,
thinking only to have a cup of tea and

perhaps the magic of tart.

And perhaps a quick 50 up on the
dartboard.

Me and my friends went inside, but
inside it was like a den of inequality.

It was like the Tower of Barbell. It was
like that film about Gamora and that

other place.

Sod it.

Anyway, a lady walked towards me.

She was carrying a whip and wore a
fireman's helmet, bus driver's overcoat,

driver's gloves, a rubber body belt,

and

clogs.

She asked me if I was interested in a
special service.

What did you say? I said I wasn't very
religious.

It was then that you met this musician,
Sarah.

Yes, she had arrived to take part in an
all -night jam session, and I helped her

unpack her cello.

I sat there watching her all night,
absolutely enthralled. She played it

-saddle.

I thought it was very courageous.

Without spurs.

That's how it all started.

One night...

I went to a party. It was a surprise
party.

Well, it was for me anyway.

It was given by the second banjo player
of the London Symphony Orchestra.

My head, dizzy with champagne and ruby
-type Algerian South African port -style

Empire wines, I inadvertently and rather
foolishly fondled one of Ivy Benton's.

One of Ivy Benton's? Musicians.

The trombone player. I'd never been
close to a trombone player before. I

it's not like a trumpet player or a
French horn.

They have bigger ombre shirts.

Perhaps that's got something to do with
it.

I just knew that from that moment on I
was going to be... A croupier? A

A groupie? Well, isn't that someone who
offers their favours to pop stars?

Yes, I just couldn't help myself. They
used to draw me just like a maggot.

I mean...

Well, you see, one night I went to see
the Updike Ladies Colliery Band.

They were playing for the Chalfont and
Giles, old -age pensioners, all -nude

limbo dance team.

I remember it very well because I had to
lower the loo doors.

Because someone was getting in free.

Anyway, there I was outside the stage
door of the Broadbent Hall.

With my ballpoint in my hand, when I was
set upon by a gang of girls on

motorbikes, all wearing leather gear.
And they were like hooligans, they was.

They all come after me, and I was for
the first time, and I hope that never

happens again, victim of a gangplank.

A gangplank?

A gangbang!

You mean, all these girls had their way
with you?

All except the little fat one.

Why was that? I didn't fancy her.

And after that, I like... I come back to
town.

With your tail between your legs.

Where else?

It was then that you became...

Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I
became a call boy.

I'm not afraid of it.

I came from a home for unmarried
fathers, remember.

I mean, at least... At least I was a
high -class call boy.

You don't know what it's like. You don't
know what it's like to be young and

attractive.

Every night outside the stage door,
there was waiting for me duchesses and

heiresses.

And lady TV producers with tempting
offers.

Looking at me and bearing me in mind.

And one of them was, of course, a member
of the government.

That's quite right. The Minister for
Underworld Affairs.

The Underminister for World Affairs.

Lady Porker.

Was there ever anything between you?

Not very often.

Then what happened?

Well, then you see, this chap from the
Sunday newspaper got older than me.

And he wanted me to take sort of
photographs of her and compromise in

and that, you know, with my Polaroid.

And to, like, take down everything what
she said, like, all the words she's

spoken at, you know. But surely it was
your word against hers.

No, no, you see, because he had
furnished me with a miniature tape

what I had secreted about my person.

And so everything she said, I got down.
She couldn't argue against that, could

she?

That escapade in the nudist cap.

I showed him a thing or two there,
didn't I?

I mean, I exposed every... See, I had to
pretend to be one of them.

Not one of the... I had to go along like
a nudist and that. You had to be nude

and everything. But I got it on every
word she spoke.

But if you were nude, how did you record
all those confessions of hers?

With great difficulty.

and not a little discomfiture.

But I hasten to add, we were never
romantically attached. It was nothing

that. No, no, no.

We were only good friends. Only good
friends. Now, I find that very hard to

believe. I mean, you are very
attractive.

I know.

But just the thing, whenever she got,
like, a bit fruity or anything like

you know, I used to put a knockout drop
in her cocoa. She used to go, spot her,

out like a light.

Didn't you feel guilty?

Only once.

When was that? When she asked for a
second cup.

Opinions are very much against you. You
are having to leave the country.

That's quite right. I'm going to Spain.

How will you manage?

I should be all right. You know, I've
got the yacht and the villa that Lady

Porker bought me. And the 40 ,000 quid I
got from the newspaper.

Won't you be lonely? I shouldn't think
so. Are you ready, girls?

Come on, guys. Here we are.

I hope the plane doesn't go without you.
I shouldn't think so. I only bought it

this morning.

I say, Trumpshaw, give it a kick. Get it
started, will you? Off we go.

That's sad.

story of a boy who went wrong, I must
say goodnight and cycle back to town.

Tea or coffee?

Tea.

Sugar?

the farinaceous ladybird.

means monk, I love the tune.

Abba dabba dabba.

It's time she stopped.

I want

to

be loved by

you, just you, and nobody else but you.

Why are you just you and nobody else but
you?

I wanna be kissed by

We are one.

in many other ways.

Good evening.

Now, I want you, if you will, to cast
your mind back to last February the

when somewhere in this area up here,
several sheep were stolen.

Now, one of the gang was seen making his
getaway in a stolen car, which he drove

the wrong way up a one -way street.

and he tried to squeeze between two
oncoming juggernaut lorries. So do be on

lookout for a tall, thin Cortina.

Now, I want you to look at this jumper
here, because the police have a theory

that some of the sheep have already been
shorn, and they're wool made up into

these jumpers, which is produced by the
Luptish Group of Switzerland. So if you

are out anywhere, and you see a girl
that you don't know very well, and you

her wearing one of these, just go up and
do look inside for that lady.

What you must do is to limp along to
your nearest phone box and enter

immediately into the inspector's black
-painted board.

Red Pimple Lane.

Do you have pepper?

Yes, I have lost my sheep.

Where are the sheep?

We must look for the sheep.

Yes, we must look for the sheep.

Yes. Oh, look.

It's starting to rain.

What? It's starting to rain.

We cannot look for the sheep in the
rain.

No.

What can we do in the rain?

Hold it, Jürgen.

Look at me.

It's starting to rain.

More? Yes, rain.

More? Rain will come soon.

When rain comes, we can look for the
sheep in the rain.

For the yurkin.

for the sheep and the oxen.

Nathan Wise.

Ockley Moor.

Yesterday, the home of some 2 ,000
sheep.

Today, a barren wasteland.

The owner of the sheep, Miss Peep, is
baffled, as indeed are the local police,

who have not ruled out foul play.

For the past 17 hours, two men...

One of them, the local switchboard
attendant, the other, the shepherd who

charge of them, have been helping the
police with their inquiry.

No, well, you see, he said to me, he
said, two towels and cheap, you see.

Well, I thought he said two towels and
cheap.

You see that...

Timmy Tom's here.

What?

Timmy Tom works on the stairs.

No, sir.

Timmy Tom's here.

No, he's definitely stolen, sir. There's
no doubt about that. I mean, they

couldn't all have gone in the bog.

There ain't room for all that shit, sir.
We've had a search party out. I'm happy

to say my sons, my seven sons and my...

Six daughters all joined in the search
party to do their best, like you see,

because not only did they get away with
all them sheep, but they also got away

with the sheep virility pills, you see.

That's to, like, make the sheep more,
uh, give them a bit of, you know, what

you mean, delicate?

I'm sorry about that.

I mean, it's like aphrodisiac, you see,
they are. So the thing is, if you find

them, do get in touch with us right
away. They're sort of like the size of a

hasprin, and they're yellow.

So, oh, and they taste of peppermint.

Here in the West Country, things move
quickly these days. And already,

the barren sheep land is being taken
over...

A herd of cows.

Nathan White, News of Ten, Wesson.

I have a wondrous tale I would impart,
though you may think it is not worth

a thought.

the counting of them, did she fall
asleep.

Thus did they depart.

One of them a black sheep, whose sleep
was black as soot, and wheresoe 'er the

black sheep went, his sooty footy put.

The black sheep left the moor as slight
as any else, and yet in truth he was as

black as any moor himself.

One frivolous lamb, a reckless beast,
who took to gambling, and thus was

upon occasion to smack his chops.

One foolish sheep who near the village
frolics.

A shepherd caught him by the home for
alcoholics.

One queer sheep who, although sad, was
gay and when air approached would turn

the other way.

spun into a yarn so thin, but not as
thin as this yarn, which I now spin.

Her father counseled her, pay them no
mind, they will return, a bringing of

their tails behind.

But as the smallest of these lambs who
sat upon the icy ground did cry in voice

so bold, so do I say to you, my tale is
told.

Oh, that's bad.

That's bad.

That is bad.

That's good.

That is very good.

Well, that's okay.

That sounds pretty bad to me.

I must say, you can imagine that. Yeah,
that's good.

Just helping the commissioner sort out a
box of strawberries.

Oh, it's all right now, then. What can I
do for you, madam?

Could you speak up a little, please?

Is something distressing you?

I think it's serious, Chief.

How do you spell that?

I can't say as I've heard of her.

She doesn't have many friends.

Well, that doesn't surprise me, I must
say. Where is this girl at the moment?

She's outside in the corridor, Chief.
Well, then why don't we have her in?

What does that mean to say to sharks?
She doesn't seem to be acting in a

rational manner.

You mean to tell me you think you're
acting in a rational manner, eh?

I can't believe it. It's like some
terrible, frightening dream.

It was last Thursday.

I was alone in the meadow with my sheep,
and this man came by. He had wide,

staring eyes. Oh, God, they said I
hypnotized me. He gave me a drink of

and it tasted kind of strange, and
suddenly the whole world was spinning

falling, and all the demons of hell were
let loose in my head.

I screamed and fell.

I must have passed out, because when I
came to, all my sheep were gone.

again, son?

Basil Bassey, Chief Ironside.

I want you to know that I'm sorry I
doubted your veracity.

Oh, I lost that years ago.

Good evening, Chief Ironside.

Good evening, Luigi. Now tell me, what
have you got for this young lady here?

have mutton broth, sheep's head soup,
lamb chops, roast lamb,

and lamb cutlets.

soon. Until then.