Original subtitles

Hello, Debbie.

Thank you.

It's about time I told you.

Can you tell it to me I'm here, sir?

And you're going to kiss me?

Sylvia, you're very young.

It's hard to get around.

Oh, sir.

Hello, sir.

Sit down, my boy. Thank you, sir.

Now, you weren't sitting there when I came in, were you?

Come on, see where it bites you.

from Fanny Hill Show.

And here is Fanny Hill.

Evening, all.

We're going to sing at you now.

Songs like, Oh, the sandpiper is a funny little bird. The way it behaves is real

absurd. But the scent of the sand when there's a monsoon whistles through the

whole of the afternoon.

You know that. It ain't that pretty.

Now wink your eye, waggle your hips, and never try to kiss the chicken on the

lips.

Hang down, girls. Touch your toes. I'm going to show you where the wild goose

goes.

Think about it, will you? I love Sally. She loves Dick. You can kiss a duck's

tail, but you better be quick.

Here we go with a song.

Now, I met a little squaw in Wichita. She told me that her name was Carol.

you, if I was Adam and she was Eva getting apples by the barrel, I bought

some fancy garters. Cost me a dollar ten.

She gave them to her mother. Oh, I shan't see them again. Oh, they're

Tell you what I mean.

a boy stood six foot forty wore size eighteen boots he said me big chief

was so but you can call me tooth what a family don't know head from tails the

little brother yelped and it was true cause round the world they had some

funny skills let me hear that euphorium who that dude down there

then her ma came in so I said how and I said how

again she said I don't say how cause I know how what I wanna know is when But

she was the ugliest woman I've seen since I left Nantucket. I won't say her

mouth was big, but she slept with a false teeth in a bucket.

Come on, speedy, let's hear that violin.

Now,

at the Honeymoon Hotel, I got the fever of something cruel.

So she went to get me cups of water to try and keep me cool.

Then she stopped bringing water, though I was thirstier than hell.

I said, why you no bring water? She said, white men sit on well.

Now,

she said she was a widow when I said I didn't mind.

She said she'd had a hard life and the fate had been unkind. She said she had

nine daughters in the cemetery by the creek, but she forgot to say that they

down there playing hide -and -seek.

That's true, that is. That's real true.

So now, listen, guys, if they back their eyes and invite you to take a chance,

please put a ring up on their finger and take them off my head.

Ain't that real pretty?

Thank you, guys. Real pretty, that was.

Thank you, folks. Thank you kindly for moseying up the old corral. I'd like to

have you meet my old signwinder now, Mr. Henry Judge McGee. Let's hear it for

Henry. Come on.

Twenty years ago...

Twenty years ago, they were unheard of. Today, they are commonplace.

I'm referring, of course, to that band of brave and trustworthy men, the

security guards.

With me tonight is one of the very first in that field, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, all.

Good evening, sir.

Tell me, Mr. Scuttle, how long is it?

How long is what, sir?

Since you went into security.

We here at Scuttley Corps are proud to be able to say, sir, that the bankers of

England have been happy to allow us to handle their emoluments since

1958, sir.

And what would you say is your main function?

Well, we have many functions, but I would say... Our main function is our

dinner and dance, which we have twice a year at the Las Vegas Soup Kitchen's

Old Sodbury, sir.

My meat pie was lovely last time, sir.

I mean, how would you describe your role?

My role, sir?

In society.

Oh, to act as a detergent.

Oh, you are... You'd be tired. You would be a criminal.

Well, somebody has to, sir. I mean, nowadays, sir, they're all at it, aren't

they? Whipping things like clockwork. It's a national disgrace.

We're becoming a nation of knickers.

You can't put anything down nowadays. If a doctor tells somebody to take things

easy, they go straight down the supermarket and stopping it away, aren't

sir? I mean, nowadays, people just help themselves.

Why is that?

Well, they can't help themselves.

I mean, picture the thing, sir. There is the corner of a supermarket, sir.

There's an attractive young housewife, often thinking she's on her own, sir,

she is just about to stick them fish fingers up her fair isle when one of

our lads gives her a tap on the shoulder, taps her on the shoulder. She

shocked back into the straight and narrow path, sir, never to deter and go

again, sir. You see, cured, cured, completely cured, sir. And she's never

up by the fuzz.

No, sir.

Just tapped on the shoulder.

By one of us. We don't involve the police, you see.

Charlie, your presence wouldn't deter a hardened criminal.

Don't take the mickey out of me.

A hardened criminal? Listen, it's not just me, you know. You're forgetting

I'm only going to take one look at Rex. The growl. It's growl alone, sir. It

turns your hair white.

Makes your teeth itch.

Goes through you like a dose of salt.

And there's fangs and he slobbers down here. The criminals think, well, look,

they're off.

Rex is your guard dog. He's my brother -in -law, sir.

He's very healthy. He can gnash his teeth and all.

Because they're national health teeth.

Gnash your teeth.

I say, stop dancing up there.

You see?

He's alert, sir. He is, you know.

Isn't he rather small?

Ah, but he's beautifully marked.

You haven't seen him stripped, have you? Not yet.

Not yet? Oh, that's interesting.

Freudian slip, that.

It shows as well. The thing is, sir, no, underneath that outfit there, sir, is

seven stone of rippling skin.

You haven't seen biceps like his since Hayley Mill stopped wearing short

sleeves, sir.

And he's marvellous with money, sir. Marvellous with money.

He's a bit off colour today, sir.

Is he not feeling himself?

No, I think he's putting his money, sir.

You'll have to forgive him, sir. His brain starts working the second he gets

and doesn't stop till he gets here.

He's like that, you know.

Mr. Scuttle, in your organisation, what is the usual compliment?

Something like, hello, sexy, how's your belly off the spot?

Something like that.

How many guards do you employ?

Two, sir.

Him and his sister.

His sister?

Oh, she's an expert at Jewish jitsu and all that, you know, sir.

Oh, yes.

Where else could I get a guard for six pounds a week?

Six pounds a week? How does she live on that?

That and her old age pension.

Tell me, Have you ever been infiltrated? Not on duty, sir.

We have the bevy afterwards. We have our bevy afterwards, you see.

I meant, have you ever been got at?

By gangsters?

Oh, not he has, sir.

Speedy has, because he drives the armoured truck, you see, sir.

That's a 500 weight jacked up outside, sir.

Because it's only for driving.

He had a mole, sir. He had a mole come up. They sent a mole, a gangster's mole,

round to him, sir. Oh, a mole.

Yes, she was there to tempt him, sir, and sort of lure him.

She wanted to get hold of his root.

He hasn't got one, sir.

Hasn't he? Not a regular one, sir, no.

He dodges about like that, you see, that's why. He foxes in that way with

dodging about. He's used to dodging about, you see, sir. He's a bachelor.

You've been coming to work from a different direction every morning for

Yes.

But she tried everything on him, you know, sir. Oh, she offered him all

candlestine meetings in Rome, the sweet life, the complete riveta.

But she was thwarted. Not by him, sir.

No, he wouldn't.

He didn't turn down her entreaties. No, he didn't, sir.

Don't say... No, sir, he wouldn't, sir. He had nothing to do with it. Go away,

he said, sir. He wouldn't, because, you see, he's too honest.

Too trustworthy.

He's too bloody old to tell you that.

Poor devil.

Who's idea was it to go into security?

It was my wife, ugly enough.

You see, because it's her dog, you see, sir. At home, it's like one of the

family. The wife's mother, to be precise, sir.

But when it's on duty... I'll show you.

Go get the dog.

That's it. Come here.

Don't say it again. It's all right. Listen.

Go and get the dog.

He knows, you know. He knows.

I believe we're actually going to have a demonstration.

Yes, we are. Be very, very careful. Elsie, come here, sir. Now, listen, sir.

Whatever you do, don't move suddenly or you may get bitten, you see.

Not by her, but by the dog, you see.

Does she come under your jurisdiction?

Not as often as I'd like, sir, but, you know.

Bring in the dog.

Don't, don't, don't, don't do anything all of a sudden. Here he comes.

Hold him.

Hold feet there, hold feet there. Right, so now I will attack the girl, and when

I say unleash, don't unleash till I say so.

Unleash, right, got it.

Don't bloody overdo it, you thing.

I'm sorry about that, sir. You know, I mean, it must be the distemper.

And the dog's not well either, sir.

He wasn't like that at Crufts, sir. In the competition, he wasn't like that at

Crufts at all, sir. Well, Mr. Cattle. I don't understand that.

Mr. Cattle.

Unbeknownst to you, we made a film of your team at work. You haven't, sir. And

we thought the viewers might like to see it. Well, I never thought...

um um

Shakespeare? Has he written for us before?

He's not the one who sent in that saint, is he?

He had him killed off in the first episode.

I mean, I'm not getting to see him. He's going anywhere, isn't he? Yes, I'll

speak. Hello, Mr Shakespeare.

What is it that you've written in?

Romeo and Juliet.

Yes, it's got a nice ring to it.

No, no, no, I mean that. I really do. I mean, you know, Steptoe and the Sun and

Bootsy and the Snudge. Romeo and Juliet, yes. I've got one for you.

Romeo in the clover.

Please yourself.

How about every meal put in front of it is Juliet?

Oh, it's not a comedy series.

Oh, it's drama.

Drama. Oh, we're interested. No, we're interested. Yes, we really are. How many

weeks do you think we get out of it? 26?

They both die in the first episode.

Are you sure you didn't send in that fake?

Can you give me an idea of the dialogue?

You know, the sort of the style of it.

He says to her, would I wear a glove upon that hand that I might touch that

cheek?

Yes, all right, Will.

It's not Crossroads.

I'll be honest with you, it's not that bad, Will, no.

She's not sitting on her hands at this point, is she, Will?

Well, you know, the glove and the touching the cheek.

You know, I have to be so careful, Will, you know, what with Chuck Berry's ding

-a -ling and...

An Andy's War Hole.

There you are. You have to be very, very careful, Will.

What sort of a fellow?

Oh, a fellow!

Yes.

What's a fellow about, then, Will?

About a moor.

Will, I don't know, you see, the design department couldn't handle it, Will,

really, they couldn't. I mean, you mock up a moor in the studio, it never looks

real, Will, never looks real.

I mean, we'd have to go on location directly.

Oh, a Moroccan moor!

A black moor, a black fella, yes. Oh, no, we don't mind, we're very open

-minded. No, no, fine, Will, fine, yes. He's got a friend called who, Will?

Des... Desdemona.

Yeah, I know two pals together, that's a... They're in love.

Will... I don't think they're ready for it, Will.

I mean, two fellas... Oh, Desdemona is a lady.

Oh, yeah, yeah, a black lady.

A blonde lady.

I don't know. You see, it's controversial.

Look, I'll be perfectly honest with you, Will. What we're after is another

Crossroads. That's all we want. You know, people walking about, talking,

standing up, sitting down, moving. That's all we want, Will.

That's all we're happy with that. Yeah.

Is that about a butcher, is it?

Merchant of Venison?

Oh, Venice.

Venice.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah. South of France. Yeah, I don't know. Well, yeah,

yeah. And it's got a villain, has it?

Oh, they love a villain, eh? Called Shylock. Oh, they love a villain, Will.

He's not coloured, is he, Will?

Oh, is he?

Will, you see, we don't want to be controversial, you see. That's the

mean, for controversial, outspoken things, we leave that to Jess Yates.

It's not what we're after, Will. I mean, let's be perfectly honest.

Midsummer Night's Dream. Now, that's got a nice title. That sounds very nice,

Will. That'd be a very good attraction for Christmas, wouldn't it, eh?

Yeah, it's got a comedian in it, has it? Oh, lovely. They like a good laugh.

Yeah, he's not coloured, is he?

And he's not... His name's what, Will?

You see, I mean, behind is all right, or sit upon.

I'd even stand for bum.

But, you know, bottom, it's blatant, Will. Bottom, it's erotic, that's what

is. We don't like anything blue here, you see, Will.

On the Max Fargrave show, well, one or two, I suppose, will get through, but, I

mean, we don't worry about it, because he's a puppet, you see.

People, you know, you've got to be a bit careful, yeah. Midsummer Night's Dream

is... It's got a lot of fairies in it.

That's all we need, isn't it? Yeah,

and they follow this old queen, do they?

Oh, a lady queen.

Oh, that's something anyway.

Yeah, well, yeah. What's her name?

Titania.

Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?

And what's his name?

Puck.

Now, look, Will, take a tip from me. Give it up. Give it up.

Right, then, as long as you've got a hole in your astrakhan coat, you won't,

Will. Give me that. Take a sip. Yeah, bub, I will. Yeah, da -da. I say, Sansa,

will you get me Lord Willis? I mean, you know where you are with Ted Willis.

I could never marry you.

You're too much of a dandy, Lord Chalfont St.

Giles. To you, ma 'am, I may be Lord Chalfont St. Giles, but to many people,

known as...

The Crimson Shadow!

I see it all, it's so happy to see you.

Not bloody likely!

Oh, it's all too much!

I'm sorry.

Don't call that fast.

Honestly, it's such a little thing.

A lot!

A lot!

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Epstein!

Like passing strangers, oh Buddy, oh

Love could change

Everybody,

every day, should set aside a little time for themselves.

A time to relax.

Can you hold it? I can't break it. I can't break it. Hold it!

I'm holding it, but I can't break it. I think it's a prop.

I think they've given me the prop one. They haven't given me the real one.

Can you say, haven't given me the real one?

I think it's fine to drink a glass of wine. Yes, in England we drink tea. It's

bloody hot! Yes, in England we drink tea. Oh, my God!

1973 held the return of none

other than Doris Day.

Yes, our veteran Virginie is back, chaste as ever, this time by, you've

it, Rock Hudson.

But with Doris cast as a waitress, you can bet that reality's not law would

arise his ugly head.

But does Rock love Doris for herself alone, or does he just want to get his

hands on her nice tits?

Tits, tits, tits.

Needles, needles.

Needless, needless to say, Doris gets raped, gets wrapped.

Doris is wrapped in a coon.

In a cocoon of fantasy.

And even goes so far as to going out and getting... Getting kissed.

Yes. Rock kisses Doris where she least expects to be kissed. When she least

expects to be kissed.

Rock even proposes marriage.

She says marriage is a big step, but she's willing to tickle it if he washes

Tackle it if he wishes it.

The man with the cue card keeps going further and further away. You're going

upset my trendy, way -out -but -oh -so -lovable style.

Am I going to have to go again? Yes, I am. But first, a visit to the fee house

of the August moon.

Don't go, Mustafa!

Don't go!

Farewell, little white dove.

The time has come for me to be... Hope!

He had such a lovely baritone voice.

This is High Karachi.

And this unsuspecting girl is about to catch its irresistible scent.

Everybody, every day, should set aside a little time for themselves.

A time to relax and try chocolate cream.

Everyone deserves a little piece.

You've missed it again, haven't you, you clumsy fat cow?

You want more bloody folks?

Folks, it's the Orange Blossom Sound.

What am I doing hanging round?

I should be on that train and gone.

I should be riding on that train to San Antone.

What am I doing hanging round?

Just for a short vacation I went down to Mexico.

I didn't have much time to spend about a week or so.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Well, it's been a year or so and I want to go back again.

And if I get the money, well, I'll ride that same old train.

Well, I guess your chances come but once, and though I sure miss mine.

I can't help wondering when I hear some whistle crying.

What am I doing hanging around?

I should be riding all the trains and I'm told.

What am I doing hanging round?

What am I doing hanging round?

Talking to me tonight through his interpreter, Mr. Chow Min.

Chinese overseas affairs minister, Mr. Chu and Gum.

Mr. Gum, welcome to London.

What did

he say?

He didn't say nothing.

He's just creeling his throat.

Is he going to say something?

What for? You're not asking questions yet.

No, here we are.

May I say, sir, with all respect and humility, that you honour me with your

gracious presence, your superb wit, your unchallenged wisdom, and your

incalculable charm.

nose.

What

did

he

say? He say now he know how pancake feel when they pour clicker on it.

Did the minister bring his wife with him this time?

No, because the Rothstein had a raid in a hostile area.

Ah, well, you would in a hostile area.

No hostile area. Hostile area.

Oh, they had a raid in a youth hostile area.

Ryan Orison had a raid in hostile area.

Oh, Adelaide in Australia.

She can go loo.

She couldn't go to... No, no, she can go loo.

She could go to... No, she could go. His wife, she... She saw.

No, she saw.

She, she can go loo.

She saw a kangaroo.

Yes.

Who breedin' lay?

Why, they...

How does the minister feel about his trip to Great Britain?

Glade. Glade, Britain.

You've got to be joking.

Oh, yeah, I'm telling you, Glade, Britain.

Glade, Britain?

Oh, yeah, I'm telling you, Glade, Britain.

Okay.

Okay. Is that all?

Oh, the last was a row to clap.

A row to nubbish.

A row to cobras.

A row to haze across the sea.

Nation took care of him. Peace and friendship, all that rubbish.

He all the time talking. He's like a breeding glamour phone, that one.

He's worse than you.

Talking, talking.

He'll hear you.

No, it's okay. He don't speak English.

Oh. Or maybe he say, yes, okay, no. Here, look, look. Hey, cookie baby.

Huh?

You ugly, big, fat, toad -faced pig. Yes.

Yeah?

Next time you go away, I go around your house, have a bit of naughty with your

wife. Yes, okay?

Yes, okay!

of this country interest him? He interested in a mountain climb.

Oh, Snowden. He should try Snowden.

What's Snowden got to do with it?

Oh, Mount Snowden. It's in Wales. It's very high.

Mountain? Isn't it written high?

Little pimples.

In China, have a mountain right up there.

Oh, how high is a Chinese mountain?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, of course.

How high is a Chinese mountain?

That is the name of mountain in Peking Plumbing. How high?

Well, mountain is so high that you can go right to the top and call out, Jones!

And two minutes later, back will come the echo, Jones!

Hardly worth the clip.

Look, Cookie Baby, in China we have mountains so high you go to the top and

call out, Wong!

And three minutes later is a comeback.

Which Wong you want?

But what had that got to do with the mountain

climb? The late?

The late mountain climb.

Not the late mountain climb, the mountain climb late.

Oh, the mounting crime rate. Yes, over here it got so fast.

Soon you're going to have more, more criminals than honest people. Then you

to put the honest people in prison to protect them from the criminals.

I'm afraid it's a fact that in England most criminals revert to crime when they

get out.

Is that not so in China?

No. Why is that?

We don't run them out.

What is the minister's opinion of our Prime Minister, Edward Heath?

He not write Edward Heath.

He say Edward Heath give everybody fleas.

Fleas? Yes.

That's true.

He give them a rage fleas and a price fleas.

All the time he call him Edward Teeth.

Always smiling.

He say he...

Have enigmatic smile. He say Edward Thief is inscrutable.

He say for many years he not know what go on in Edward Thief's head. And

then one day he find out.

What? Joy.

Nothing.

I hear that your entourage has returned to whisk you off to yet another

function. Before the minister leaves, could you tell us, in a few words, the

difference between capitalism and communism?

Well, you see, capitalism is... Look, this is your house.

You no share with anybody, eh?

Inside is your wife. You no share your wife with anybody.

You have all your possessions.

Capitalism is a cult of personal possession.

We communists, everything we have, we share with our communists.

And everything that the Comalates have to share, they share with us. That is

difference, you see.

Everything that we Comalates have to share, they share with us.

Really? Just you come on up, old.

Yes, dear.

Of the locusts.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Mr. Edmund. Welcome back.

Now, we thought that little Jackie Wright was looking rather peaky, so we

thought to sort of relax him, we'd send him on a nice holiday.

You went away, I left.

The bigger heart of mine is the...

You are Lord.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Get off.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being with us, and we look forward to

you all again very, very soon. Until then, goodbye!