All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s02e04

Good evening.

Yes, I think we should ask ourselves
this question.

Knowing what we now know, shouldn't we
insist that those who cannot afford the

kind of life that we enjoy have a wage
rise long before ourselves?

And, you know, I think I know what your
answer will be.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny
Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

When I was a lad, life wasn't so bad. We

had that big house on the hill.

Me dad wore a suit and we even had fruit
on the sideboard when no one was ill.

Poor Jenny Hogg, she lived on the bog,
so wet that her sheep kept on sinking.

Her old man used to tell her to run
round with the umbrella and stop all

wool from shrinking.

Oh, let's drink a toast to the
gamekeeper's daughter.

One look at her and my knees turn to
water. Now that she's gone, I miss her

mad. She taught me so much.

When I was a lad, no old Teddy Sparks
says she can quote Marx, but he don't

Carly, he means Arpo.

Her dad is a fool and her mum was so
cruel, she was twice drummed out the

Gestapo. Oh, she failed miserably at
geography or at spelling or doing a sum.

Tell me, where said Miss Hoarder is the
Indian border? She said, on the sofa

with mum.

Let's drink a toast to the gamekeeper's
daughter.

One look at her and my knees turn to
water. Now that she's gone, I miss her

mad. She taught me so much when I was a
lad. Oh, she once gave an actor a ride

in her dunk cart. They passed three
trucks and a tractor.

Each time she was asked what she'd got,
she'd reply, I can't load a dung and a

atter. Oh, the next time it happened,
the atter's face red and he said, Miss,

bear you no ill will.

But the next time anyone asks what
you've got, do you mind if I top the

Let's take a toast to the gamekeeper's
daughter.

One looked at her and my knees turned to
water. Now that she's gone, I miss her

like a lad. She taught me so much when I
was a lad in a meadow one night. She

said, you treat me right and I'll drive
you out of your mind.

We lay in the clover and when it was
over, she said, now it's your turn to be

kind. Well, I'd only a tanner and so
with a stammer I gave it to her there

then. She looked at me strange and said,
I haven't got change. You'll have to do

it again.

She taught me so much when I was a lad.

Thank you very much indeed, ladies and
gentlemen. It's very nice to be with you

all once again, and we're starting off
this evening with some more of those

things that go wrong on television, like
only this afternoon I was dancing with

Jenny Lee Wright, and unfortunately she
tripped, and I grabbed hold of her

corset.

I grabbed hold of her. Of course, it's
not always... Could you... I thought you

were going to hold it a bit... I'm
sorry, do you mind... Can we go again,

No, I thought you were going to hold
it... Can we go across the lens? I

it higher.

Have some more champagne, my dear.

Oh, let me, darling.

All right.

What a sly little minx you are, to be
sure.

Pretending that you had never been to
Heidelberg before.

Well, Prost, my dear.

Here's your lovely eyes.

Oh, is that my contact lens? I've been
looking for that.

Honestly.

Honestly, Dennis.

I've got my tongue on that.

Bluebells, I gather.

Take them and be true.

Women of my life will be to marry.

I'm coming down.

Don't jump!

Was it, uh... Was it him?

Don't be silly.

Oh, my darling, not this time.

All the feeling that you want me.

It's not funny.

It's not funny.

We'll have to do that. Keith!

It's not funny, you know.

Get out. Get out. Get out. No.

Get out.

Of course.

I remember.

Everything? Yes, I think so.

Ah, how you climbed on my shoulders and
stood there for hours signalling

the British name.

No, I shall never forget your great
feet.

Oh, God.

You are the angel glow that lights the
stars.

I always thought you were fond of Dick.

Well, I was. He burst in. I was
completely naked. He took one look at

berserk, and started taking down his
trousers and getting his... Dirty,

beat.

Couldn't you learn to love me?

Love you.

Can't you see I'm a woman?

Yes, I can see that.

think you'll be any more at home there?

I will be perfectly at home.

Falling in love with love is falling for
make -believe.

Falling in love with love is playing the
fool.

Why does it always have to be her key?

It's always your own key. It's never my
key, is it? Never my key!

I'll keep going again, please.

Jumping down every five minutes.

You know I'm supposed to bend down.

Nobody against me. You're all against
me.

If only things could be as they were.

How do you mean?

You've changed.

Have I? You have. Let me look.

Be my guest.

I want to remember them just as you are
now.

Listen.

Only last Tuesday they saw the opening
of the very latest addition to the night

of London,

the Fun Boy Club. And here with me is
the man behind it all, Fred Scuttle.

evening, sir. Good evening, all you jet
-set swingers.

Welcome to Scuttle's exclusive Fun Boy
Club.

Exclusive? Yes, it's exclusive, sir.
Yes, yes. Tell me, what are the

qualities pertinent to this exclusivity?

I beg your pardon, sir?

What have I got to have before I can
join? 30 bob.

You see, we want to keep the riff -raff
out, you see.

Because I intend becoming the Hugh
Hefner of Hounslow.

Are you going to emulate all his bunny
girls?

Not all of them, sir.

Not with my back, you!

Don't you know, if I get excited, you'll
be back, you!

I went then, sir. I'm sorry.

What I actually meant was, I mean, are
all your girls going to be dressed as

bunnies? No, sir. Teddy bears.

Teddy bears?

Very tasteful, sir. Yes, it's all sort
of little bodice. It's sort of like a

religious dress, sir.

Lo and behold.

And it's very deep cut there and high on
there with a long suspender belt.

Yeah, you're dribbling, sir.

Very tasteful, sir. What do these teddy
bears have to do?

They welcome the male guest, you see,
sir. Oh, I see. They go out, sir. A

teddy bear will go to the taxi door,
open the taxi door, and follow him at a

discreet distance into the club, you
see, sir. So no man ever feels he's

entering the club on his own.

Never? Never, sir. I've never seen a man
come in here without a bear behind,

sir.

It's a tradition, you see, since last
Tuesday.

Tell me, how many of these lovely,
delightful teddy bears do you have?

At the moment, just the two, sir.

Two? The wife and her mother.

We are open to expand.

Your mother -in -law.

I'm not going to expand me mother -in
-law.

You know, just pick it up as it is. Oh,
I see what you mean. The fellas love

her. The punters love me mother -in
-law. Yes, she knows all the latest

cocktails. Oh, I see. She tells them...
She sells them in...

In the bar, sir.

Oh,

yes, indeed, sir.

No,

sir, you see, I mean, you could have a
vermouth with a cherry in it, sir,

martini with an olive in it. If you
like, you'd have a pint with a pickled

in it, sir.

But in the bar, anything goes, sir. She
gives them complete blancmange.

Absolute charabagne in there, sir.

Could I get Cuba Libre in there? As a
newt.

No, what I meant was, could I have
something tall and cold with a lot of

it? Ah, we never let the wife go in the
bath.

She doesn't go in, not since the
accident.

She had one knocked over.

But she does the catering, you know,
sir. She does? Yes, she makes the old

sausage rolls, sir, you know. With her
own hands? No, she uses chipolatas, sir.

We do have a restaurant, sir.

We have a really, it's very continental
cuisine, sir.

What we call a la commode.

Yes, sir. Is it topless?

Ah, well, it was, yes, but they was up
after the lead, you see, sir. And they

were finishing their soup six times,
some of them, because of the leak. And

wasn't leaked soup.

Yes. No, no, what I actually meant was,
I mean, are your waitresses topless?

Oh, no, sir.

Oh, we wouldn't have anything like that
in here, sir.

Well, I mean, these girls...

Plus, sir, they've got to serve a full
meal, sir.

Hot things and... They've got to lean
across tables.

I mean, you can ask a girl to take her
thumb out your soup.

Not only that, sir, some of the ponters
that come in here are servicemen, you

see, sir. Oh, I see. And they like to
dance with the girls.

Yes. And some of these servicemen have
got medals.

And you can reckon on any week there's
bound to be one flag day.

It's all right for the lifeboat men, but
what about the poor girls? They're hoo

-hoo -hoo like that all the time, you
see, sir. I understand there are already

500 topless waitresses in London. I
think that's a thousand kitties, sir.

Honestly... Think about it.

No, don't think about it. I honestly do,
sir.

I'll be perfectly frank with you, sir,
and I know you won't mind that.

I'll be honest, if you prefer.

The thing is, you see, sir, we did ask
one of the girls to go out and serve a

meal stripped to the waist. Oh.

Well, I meant stripped down to the
waist, you see, sir. She misunderstood.

Up to the waist.

It was a novelty.

And then as she was going out, they were
saying, that reminds me, you got any

hot cross buns?

But really, sir, they come in for the
food. The food's impeccable.

I'd have said peckable myself.

You could not be coming for your
starter, sir, for example, sir. I mean,

could have an asparagus ass soup, sir.

You could have a fatty default grass.

Avocado? Have two cardos, if you like.

Then the main meal, then for your
afters. Your sweet.

Thank you, sir.

I don't know about you television
people.

The thing is, sir, I mean, we give them
a little bowl with all the little

pastries in you. Oh, putty four.

We putty half a dozen.

I understand, Mr.

Scuttle, that you're shorted to publish
a fun boy magazine.

Oh, that would be real.

That would be real rich.

Oh, the fellows that go potty over that,
they will be, yes. Might one say that

this will be for the playboy to read in
his Mayfair penthouse.

Mightn't one?

One might say that, sir.

Especially if one wanted another one.
Oh!

Oh, yes. Oh, it's all swinging, sir.
It'll all be happening, sir. Yes. Now,

will this differ from the plethora? I
haven't read the plethora.

Men only, I know a plethora. I don't
know that one. No, no, I meant the

of men's magazines. Oh, sir, we will be
fast -thudded.

Oh, yes. We start off with an advice
column, sir.

Oh, what to do for the lovelorn? What to
do on the lovelorn.

It's by Edgar Lustgarten.

Then, of course, the wench of the week.
A wench of the week? Peggy Mount, as you

have always dreamt of her.

Thora Heard, more daring than ever.

Kathleen Harrison, photographed on her
birthday, wearing a suit suitable for

occasion. We never commit ourselves, you
see, because of the Lord Longford lot,

you know.

Sandy Shaw.

Sandy Shaw barefoot, all over.

Cathy Kirby in 3D. That'll knock their
eyes out.

And for the ladies, Edward Heath, full
frontal, sticking on his dinghy.

In the channel. In his bath.

No, you won't like it. You won't like
it. You won't like it.

I'll kill that electrician.

No, you won't like it.

Oh,

what a Christmas we had this year.

Wally sunk 12 quarts of beer.

Oh, that's intemperate, says Reverend
Gray. Well, Walt says, well, being

teetotal ain't that great. I mean,
imagine waking up at eight and knowing

the best you're going to feel all day.

He says, but if I drop the worm in
water, it'll wriggle like it ought to.

But in beer, it dies as if attacked by
germs.

And Wally says, well done. Hear that,
everyone. Keep on drinking beer or

get worms.

And the hospital's working for all they
was worth.

Every hour, another birth.

Vicar went down to see the new young
mother. He said, hello, Sister Bell.

Why ain't you expecting as well? She
says, I work on the ether outing with

others.

Our dentist, Ivor Ball, had an emergency
call.

I'd take a tooth out for that nice Mrs.
Spring.

She says, will there be any pain?

He says, I've done this time and time
again, and I can truly say I've never

a thing.

She says, I nearly didn't come today. I
nearly stayed away.

I'm sure the pain would be more than I
can bear.

I'd rather have another baby.

He just looks up and says, well, lady,
make your mind up, because I've got to

adjust the chair.

We had decorations in the square.

Salvation Army band played there.

Satan says, if you know the words, join
in, and if not, um.

And he sees the widow pike.

He says, and which him would you like?
She says, oh, I'd like him with that big

drum.

And that great fat teddy bishop staggers
in the fish and chip shop.

He says, fish and chips and half a
cottage loaf.

She says, well, you've got to eat it
here or you've got to take it with you.

says, darling, I expect I shall do both.

Eh?

Well, he sees this Irish miss. He says,
how about a kiss?

She says, what for?

He says, well, I think it's a shame.

I've never kissed the Blarney Stone.

But I bet your lips have kissed it.

So if I kissed your lips, that would be
the same.

Well, her face, it was a joy. She just
stood there looking coy.

And Ted, of course, he's proud of the
way he's chatting it. She said, I'm

to have to tell you, I've never kissed a
bloody stone.

But I must confess that once or twice
I've sat on it.

Here, here, wait.

And old George got married again, boxy
morning, half past ten. This time it was

Mrs. Hodges' daughter, June.

She looked all virginal and white.

Then she says, George, tonight.

He says, tonight we blow this afternoon.

Oh, dear. And old Squire, he tells the
players in our football club, after the

game, straight in the pub, you're on a
point per man per every goal you score.

Well, of course, they didn't dream he'd
say the same to the other team.

We won by 90 goals to 84.

And at the match, bottle flew past, he
said.

It's all right, I'm a faithless, he
said.

If your name's on it, then it'll knock
your brains out, if you've got any.

The bloke behind us starts to shout. He
says, let me out. And I says, what for?

He says, because my name's Watley.

Oh, well, Christmas Eve.

Old Harry Dawes dresses up with Santa
Claus.

And he has a few and needs a map to find
his way with.

He goes down next door, chimbley
instead.

Ends up by Mrs. Toomer's bed. And he
says, I've got something lovely here for

you to play with.

I mean, Tim, it was all in sport.

This morning he's in court. And guess
who's on the bench? Old Fishface Grimes.

He said, I shall not treat this case
with leniency.

You've been charged with gross
indecency.

He said, cool, I ain't been indecent 144
times.

He says, this year there has been more
lechery and sin than any other year I

recall. I award this lady 10 quid. And
now he says, oh, splendid. And if I can

afford it, I'll give her a bob of two
and all.

Wow. Christmas come and went and we felt
the time well spent. It was have a bit

more puddin'. Where's the bismuth?

And though we drunk until we burst, may
I be the first to wish you all a very

merry Christmas.

You try rhyming with bismuth.

And now we welcome to the show the
lovely Lady Bird.

Peaches for a rainy Sunday.

Nobody but us.

Nothing to do till Monday.

That is why this crate is suitable
for... A touch

of country goodness from St. Evil.

St. Evil?

No!

No!

Get rid of him! Get rid of him!

And quick!

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

Stop the cameras!

Let another account go. Oh, God.

No! Get out! You're sacked! Both of you
are sacked!

Difficult stains? Just wash off.

Think of something soft.

Soft even in your hair.

Just wash off.

Are we going again?

If it'll hold it in place, think what
it'll do for your hair.

This extra Russian of old Jakarta run.

I can now join you.

And sign with me.

Sign now. Sign now.

It wasn't

my fault. It wasn't my fault, Keith,
honestly.

If you're breeding pedigree dogs like
young Dilly here, always insist on

pedigree, Ben. You can't beat it.

and calm and that's very very essential
to a dog you know especially if you're

house training a dog to keep them cool
and calm because otherwise if they get

over it oh my god I think

she's a

little bit excited could you get that
cat

Yes, it is Jack Norrie.

Not like his mother.

But Jack Norrie. And are you comfortable
now?

Then I want to start.

One upon two.

There lived a young woman with the name
of Goldilocks.

And she was called Goldilocks because
she had the most beautiful blonde hair

the way down the back.

On the head, she was bald.

And he had a whole beautiful figure with
little crystals and big breasts.

And one day he was going for a walk in
the black forest.

Not with Bert Kampfert, but with a
beautiful flower.

Not a flower for wearing, for sniffing.

The rhododendron.

And chrysanthemum, nom, nom, nom, nom.

And the bluebellies and the
daffodillies. And he was talking up and

time. And don't forget, I'm only acting.

I'm a little... And

he heard a

voice. He turned and there was Hans.

Hans Knees and Bumsadaisy.

A beautiful young woodcutter with a
little knuckle.

And a big chopper. And he said,
Goldilocks, do you want

to come to this little cottage with me
and have a cup of cocoa?

And he thought, yes, a cup of cocoa with
this lovely young man. We are very

good. So he went home, drank and sang
and thought, hot chocolate, drinking

chocolate.

And he gets into the house and
Goldilocks says, Oh, I'm so cold. So

chopper whip up.

And in the forest go for the
woodcutting, for the fire making, for

making.

So, they go away, and Goldilocks is
alone in the house. But this house is

house of the three bears.

And the three bears are very comical
bears.

Two bears were bow -legged.

And one was knuckle -kneed.

And when they stand together, he plays
octo.

No, he was mother bear and father bear.

... ...

...

...

... ...

Pardon the bait of the baby bear, and it
was too soft.

Pardon the bait of the father bear, and
it was very good. So we begin to dress.

First comes the dress, the mini dress.

Then the underdress.

Then the bustenhalter.

The bustenhalter.

The halter for the busten!

We have a lot of dumb heads here
tonight.

So back, oh, es ist bestimmt ganz warm,
der Busenhalle.

Then the cami panzer.

Und in the corset.

Oh, oh, meine Gürtel is killing mich.

So, and when er was knackert.

Er war in the bed gehen.

Schwein, pardon, Schwein in the bed.

Kommt die drei Bären.

Und der Wartebär sagt.

Who has been eating my porridge?

And the baby bear said, Who has been
eating my porridge?

And the mother bear said, You are all
stupid.

I have not eaten your porridge.

So then, off the stairs we go and into
the bedroom.

And the mother bear said, Who has been
sleeping in my bed?

And the baby bear said, Who has been
sleeping in my bed?

And the water bear slushed the toilet
and said, good night.

So moment, moment, moment.

Yeah.

Nein, nein. Und er was getting in the
bed. Denn Google Action is up the

And he said, I can't sleep with a bear.

And the bear said, I'm not a bear.

I'm a man.

And the man started to take off his
skin. And Goldilocks said, why?

If you're a man, you're hiding all the
time, always hiding in the bear skin.

And he said, because I'm Martin
Buhlmann.

And I'm not dead.

And Adolf is also not dead.

And the war is not over.

My baby's got a portable TV that she
takes it with her all the time And she

takes it when we go out of walking or
rowing on the serpentine One out just

night in the pale moonlight, I asked her
a kiss.

But instead of looking into her lovely
eyes, all that I could see was this.

She is very beautiful, isn't she?

That's why I appreciate her devotion to
me so much.

Oh, she's devoted to me, make no mistake
about that. She shows it in so many

ways. She worries about my career, my
health.

and sometimes I think she should get a
younger man. I suggested to her trying

come to me. She's a wonderful person,
really wonderful.

Not just her, but all three of you.
You're worrying all the time about my

health, my career, and everything. I
don't know, I'm such a lucky man.

That was wonderful.

You're good, you're kind, you're decent.

You're American.

I like that in a person.

An American, that means a lot to me. It
really does.

Push a little bit harder, will you?

I went round to the house where my baby
lived to ask her for a date.

There I was walking up the garden path
around about a half -assed date when I

heard a sound about my poor heart pound
while it got me in my stride.

I seemed to hear the voice of another
guy coming from inside.

I asked him if he'd trust the turkey?

And he said, with my life.

And then I said to him, what would you
say to a sole bon femme?

And he said,

bonjour, sole bon femme.

Then I asked him if he had any time for
stuffing.

Some days it doesn't pay you to get up.

I'd like to take her portable TV set and
throw it in the deep blue sea.

Why I'm so jealous of her portable TV
set because it takes her mind off me.

I said, oh baby, please be mine. I want
you for my own.

Tell me, is your love for somebody else
or is it for me alone?

Also, for Ivor Payne, the holly, prickle
-bottom road, itching her.

Tonight, he and his lovely wife are
celebrating their 25th wedding

anniversary. And, you know, nowadays,
with divorce being so prevalent,

there's just a lot of it about.

living in permissive society, it's nice
to know that a couple have stayed

together in wedded bliss for 25 years.

And tonight, they'll be watching the
program with their 27 -year -old son,

Sebastian.

And they go on to say that until we saw
your program, we didn't

know what wickedness...

And sin was.

And I think that's lovely. To get a
letter.

I would be always true and love her all
the while.

And on that oh so happy day in May I
took her down the aisle.

How do you take this man to be your
loving husband? The preacher softly

But he never heard her ladylike reply.
He heard the ladybird's instead.

Mrs. Shensei might do well.

to spend our honeymoon down on the
island of Capri.

I found ourselves a very small hotel as
quiet as can be.

But when I got up to our room upon our
wedding night, it was the sight that met

my eyes as I switched out the light.

Ah, darling.

Here. Where's the television set?

Television?

And salute his amoebas.

You know where I've been, don't you?
I've been on the continent. That's where

I've been.

Baby, well, I heard your little old
prime minister was sold on the common

market. And I wondered where you get him
from.

And he's getting almost as chubby as
what I am, ain't he?

He's cute as a crocus on a compost heap.

Anyway, I was in Spain in Barcelona, and
I'm speaking of this little Spanish

incinerator.

your bonus knockers.

And ooh, E .C .J. wouldn't believe I
weren't Spanish. Now, how about that? I

reckon I can understand some of them
better than I understand you lot out

You know that?

I'll tell you something. I was on the
underground.

Was it Piccadilly?

No. It was Lasas Square.

I was on the underground there alongside
where they sassy photographs are. They

sassy gals wearing nothing but their
braziers.

You know what I mean? Now, you notice I
say braziers. I didn't say brassiere.

They're there for warming your hands on.
I know that.

Anyway, there's a sign up there, and it
says, dogs must be carried on an

escalator. I look around ten minutes, I
couldn't find a dog in no place.

How's that?

And then they tell me I'm going to be
staying at a boating house.

Now, I thought they said boating house.

When I see the landlady, she looked like
a chest of drawers with a second drawer

halfway out. You know what I mean?

She takes me up to my room, points to a
sign, and then she sort of chassés out.

I look up at a sign. You know what the
sign says?

Be in bed before I am.

Oh, baby, I was in bed at 8 o 'clock
every night.

Then I found out I was being in bed
before 1 a .m.

As I know that.

And then another sign says, keep your
feet off the diving suit.

Well, I look around. I couldn't find a
diving suit in the whole place. That was

dive and sweep.

And then her husband, he's not a little
old fella. He says to me, if you cold in

the night, just bang on the ceiling and
you can have my order down.

Now, I didn't want to come between
husband and wife. I wouldn't do it.

So I'll tell you, I went abroad. I went
to the travel agency. There was signs

there for the tours. There was the Asian
tour, the African tour, the Indian

tour. I said, please take tour you
require clearly and distinctly. You want

nobody there.

and I heard a fellow in the next room
pouring himself a cup of coffee.

At least, I think that's what he was
doing.

I yelled out, European!

I did not say that. I just knowed I
shouldn't have said it.

Anyway, I took my cousin Tex with me.

He calls himself Tex. He don't come from
Texas.

He comes from Mablethorpe.

I mean, he don't like being called
Mabel.

I don't know, it suits him. Anyway, I'll
tell you.

I was in Paris, France, Europe.

At the hotel, I was washing my hands one
morning and wondering why that

Professor Freud only ever made cold
water taps.

I don't mind waiting.

I look out the window, a little old
fella getting married.

I says, the chambermaid, I says, who
getting married? She says, Genesee Paul.

Next morning, there's a funeral. I say,
who are they burying? She says, Genesee

Paul. I say, well, he didn't last long.

I say, if you got to go, that's the way
to go, ain't it, eh?

And then they little froggy boys, hot
-blooded. I tell you, I was up near the

Arc de Trumpet, alongside the champion
last house.

I was sitting outside this restaurant on
the terrace.

And there was a little old froggy boy
there. He was whistling the gals and

pitching them when they went past.

I said to him, hey, old Tom, it's memory
lane for you, ain't it, eh?

I said, when was the last time you had a
little romp in the hay to do any good

on me?

He said, 1945.

I'd say, well, that's a long time ago.
He'd say, no, it's only 8 o 'clock now.

How about that?

How about that?

I was in Amsterdiam, in that

diam, diam square in Amsterdiam. Oh,
he'd have full of little hippies there.

There was one little hippie gal. Oh, she
were pretty as a pimple on a pound of

pickle pork.

She only had one shoe on.

I said, now, poor little hippie gal. I
said, you lose a shoe? She said, no, I

found one.

Please help.

Anyway, so there, I'm in the hotel
there, and I go to wash my hands, and

weren't no towel. I said to the
landlady, how am I going to dry my

said, stick them out the window.

I said, well, it's a good job I wasn't
going to take a bath.

I showed them a thing or two, I tell
you.

Anyway.

Hamburg! Ooh -wee, baby, is that a tell?
I tell you, I know how a hamburger

feels now.

Ooh -wee, they girls sure made mincemeat
out of me.

We was staying at the best hotel in
Hamburg, right between the River Elbe

and the Alster.

And I asked the porter to direct me to a
nice little restaurant. He pointed the

wrong direction.

I don't reckon he knew his Alster from
his Elbe.

Anyway.

We get up this little old street there,
and this long house with a lot of

windows and a lot of sassy little gals
sitting in the windows there.

And it was like talking to sailors.

Some was reading books.

I think maybe the light was a bit better
there, so they sit in the window. I

thought it was a soup kitchen.

I heard this sailor say he's going in
for a basin full.

Me and Tex goes in. I said, now you
don't speak German and these sassy

gals don't speak English. How are you
going to communicate?

He said, I'm going to draw what I want.

I said, you draw what you wanted in
Spain.

Why, he wanted steak and mushrooms. He
drew a picture of a cow and a mushroom.

Way to come back with a sunshade and two
tickets for a bullfight.

Anyway, this sassy little gal's chassis
is over.

And sits down, and he takes the pencil,
and he draws a picture of a cigar.

Well, she looked at it for a little
while.

Then she ups and goes away, comes back
with a cigar. Then he draws a pot of

beer. She goes away, comes back with a
pot of beer. Now, how about that? And

then she takes the pencil, and she takes
the paper.

And she drawed a picture of a band.

And he says, well, hoo -wee, baby!

He said, don't that beat all.

Now, how did she know I was a furniture
salesman?

That's what he said. Well, now, round
about here, folks.

I'm going to sing at you.

I don't know why. It doesn't mean no
harm.

I've written me a topical little song,
and it's called the Common Market Square

Dance.

If you meet a man from Poland, you call
him a Pole. If you meet a man from

Holland, don't you dare call him a Hole.
If you see a drunk Italian, what do you

say? Why, hi to the outside.

Okay, you wake up in Paris with the sun
is breaking through. Here's a couple of

throw -ins.

Naughty folly bears, you don't go. You
might see something that you shouldn't

see. Like this.

Find yourself a good praise book and you
open it up and you take a look.

Open up the porch. Shut the door.

Shut that door.

Open the door. Father of two?

I love dick.

I mean, I love you, I'm sorry. Now
you're really cooking with gas?

What a coup de grace!

Click your heels and flash your teeth,
it's Willy Brandt and Edward Heath.

Join hands, pass the money round, float
the mark and things to pound. German

wine and sauerkraut, Belgian beer and
Brussels sprouts. When you go shopping,

things get any worse...

You'll carry your money in your basket
and your shopping in your... Here

we go.

Thank you,

everybody.

Thank you, sir.

Bye, everybody. Now, we'll see you all
again real soon. And don't forget, so

stop on by next time we're around, won't
you? Bye now. Bye.

this is