All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s02e03

Hello, you gorgeous creature.

My, you're looking attractive today.

Thank you, darling.

I love you. My own sweet, precious,
wonderful person.

Oh, darling, thank you. Thank you again.

I want to hold you in my arms and rain
kisses on you until the dawn.

Oh, darling, thank you.

Well,

I do like you half so much. I like
kissing you because it's nice.

I want to kiss you and love you and hold
you in my arms all night and rain

kisses over your lovely naked body until
the dawn.

Hello, George.

How's the wife and kids?

It's the Benny Hill Show, and here is
Benny Hill.

La -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee,
la -da -dee. My

lovely Auntie Lil took our bus Inspector
Bill into her bedroom and with great

annoyance said, Outside our house you
put a stop and all the passengers on top

can look in and see my husband and me in
bed.

He said, you're joking. She said, you'll
see. Just lay down on the bed with me.

So he laid down with her to avoid more
fuss.

Her old man came in and saw him, but
Bill kept his decorum. He said, it's all

right. I'm just waiting for a bus.

The early morning mist, the first time
we got kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a lady
whose face was old and blind.

La -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee.

The swiftly fading memory of a song that
we used to sing as children.

These are the things you'll find among
the ashes of the duffins of your... La

-da -da -da -dee, la -da -da -dee, la
-da -da -dee, la -da -da -dee.

Unannouncing by the sea to old men that
near to leave lift their boots off for a

paddle by the pier.

One of them said, you rotten swine, your
feet are dirtier than mine. He said, of

course they are, I didn't come last
year.

Well, he was by the sand, the boy was
holding in his hands a cornet he bought

from the cafeteria.

He dropped it down the lady's neck and
she hollered, bloomin' heck, that

must have flown straight from Siberia.

The early morning mist, the first time
that we kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a
gentleman whose face was old and blind.

-dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee. The
swiftly fading memory of a song that he

to sing as children.

These are the things you'll find among
the ashes of the dust in the air. La -da

-dee, la -da -dee.

As Charlie passed away, his young wife
heard him say, I've been unfaithful to

you many times, my dear.

She said, oh, darling, never mind. In
fact, I knew it all the time.

That's why I put that arsenic in your
beer.

It was the one outside our gent. It was
opened up officially last year.

And it was christened by Lord Ray and
people came from miles away because

heard tell that he was a liberal beer.

morning mist, the first time that we
kissed outside the churchyard.

Some words of wisdom spoken by a
gentleman whose faith was overblown.

The swiftly fading memory of a song that
we used to sing as children.

These are the things you'll find in my
office at the customs of your mind.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's very nice to
be with you all once again, and very

nice indeed to be able to welcome to the
show my old friend, Hugh Paddock.

Good evening and welcome.

An army march is always stubborn, true
or false.

Let's try and find out the answer to
that one as we greet my first guest, on

leave from North Africa, Colonel Eatwell
of the Royal...

Army catering corps.

Eat well by name, eat well by nature.

Are the lads going to get the same slap
-up Christmas dinner that they had last

year? Well, you see, last year my cook
was Captain Kemp.

An officer?

A corporal.

Captain Kemp was a corporal? No, the
corporal was Captain Kemp.

Oh, Captain Kemp. Yes, do listen.
There's a good captain. You're going to

over the place.

And you...

You see, this fellow said... Sydney.

George. George. George said... To me, he
said... Sir, he said... We, we,

we, we always have... He said, sir,
we're going to need a lot of pepper.

Oh, ground pepper, tea and pepper, black
pepper. I think pepper.

You see, fortunately, we have...

Rather nice Arab girl. She used to help
out in the kitchen. She was awfully

handy, what she had to be, because the
corporal used to bite her thighs and

dumplings.

We all used to bite her thighs and
dumplings.

You used to bite her thighs and
dumplings? Sometimes it was more than a

and dumplings.

She was a lovely little girl.

But the dinner, though, was it a
success?

Yeah, howling success in more ways than
one, you see. We did invite it along

these high, high, high, high, high, oh,
yes, wonderful times.

These Highland chappies, you see, and
when they had the dumpling, they said it

was pudding.

Christmas pudding. Pudding them off
their food.

What was?

The paper.

Oh, the K and the ground, white, black
pepper.

The bag paper.

And then all the helpers.

After the party, Jesus, he said.

Where's all those lovely, tasty cheeses?

You know,

I thought it was rather witty. I say, I
come and bear the food, brother.

Oh, so he had stopped his gentleman, you
see.

And then the major got up. He said,
where's all those nice tarts?

And this Arab girl came in with a bucket
and went up to the corporal and said, a

pound of fillet. He said, a pound you
bloody don't.

I said, the sauce is odd.

I said, this sauce is odd.

And I said, is it okay? And he said, if
it's okay with me, you've got to

remember Tubby Turner.

Yes. What kind of men are the catering
corps? Well, you see, they're short

arse.

But they're awkward arse. And sometimes
they have to work to the early arse.

So, you see, they... I don't mind
waiting. I don't know how.

They therefore have to be very
adaptable.

But they're not combatants. They're very
combatants.

No, no, no.

Not combatants. Oh, well, speak up,
because I can't hear what you're saying.

Are they entitled to bear arms?

Oh, yes. Bear legs, bear anything they
like.

Only in the wrong time, of course. Are
they ever called upon to kill? Yes,

indeed. Have you ever killed? Well, I've
been pretty close to it once. I

remember... I was with a bunch of
officers, and we'd been on the wine for

a bit, you know. Red wine.

White wine. The river wine.

We saw these tin cherries, you see. Oh,
tasty.

Who? The tin cherries. I'm talking about
tin cherries, you see.

I don't know if I've got a handle for
their name, you know.

of them lying by a fat wench, you see. A
German girl. Who? The fat wench. No, I

said they were lying by that wench.

And they all spotted me except one
little officer.

And they all, of course, went off, you
know.

I had him to my side. I was going to
shoot and I thought, I don't know. I saw

that look on his face, that lovely warm
smile on his face underneath that little

Charlie Chaplin moustache.

There's lovely warm human eyes under
that shock of black hair.

And I thought to myself, no, I couldn't
do it.

I couldn't. I said, go on now.

Blow off with thee, I said.

Well, I didn't say that, but I said so.

I don't want to, because you're sending
here.

Off he went.

Come and see here, Adolf, said his
comrades.

And I'm glad I didn't kill him, because
it wouldn't have made any difference to

the war, would it? Well,

thank you very, very much.

Well, eat well.

Whether my next guest will ever...

Thank you.

Whether my next guest will ever get into
the Guinness Book of Records is a

matter of conjecture. Thank you. For Mrs
Smiley claims to have watched every ITV

programme since its inception in 1955.

I mean, I've enjoyed every minute of it.
It's been wonderful, wonderful.

Good. Now, what is your current
favourite show, Mrs Smiley?

Comedians?

Do you watch the comedians?

That is the show where all these men
tell these far -fetched stories.

And the viewers laugh at them.

Is that party political broadcast?

No.

I'm going to have to see a programme
over and over again before it sinks in.

not very bright, you see. I see it over
and over a lot. Do you think the ITV

present a well -balanced schedule? I
think they're marvellous, I do. I mean,

honestly, sometimes you get drama and
romance right at the same time you do.

It's wonderful. What about an example?

Well, what about that boy, the risks
that boy takes to get that box of

chocolates to that girl?

And when he gets there, what does he do?
He puts the chocolates by her bedside

and walks away.

A lot of men would have woke her up and
give her one.

My husband would, I'll tell you.

But I mean, this boy, perhaps he puts
them there because he knows that he can

perhaps come back tomorrow and give her
two or three.

Oh, I think it's wonderful. And the
medical scientific ones they get on are

marvellous. I like those.

Oh, I do. They show you how to mend a
split hair.

How about that, eh? Haven't we
progressed?

I mean, it's only not long ago they
invented the steam engine and now they

mend a split hair.

Marvellous, isn't it?

And they tell you how to kill 99 % of
all household germs.

Dead!

I don't suppose you could kill them any
other way, really.

And they tell you how to get rid of B
-O.

That means body odor, do you know that?
Yes, I did know that. I only just found

out, because I always thought it meant
body didn't. And then there's all the

deodorants, aren't they marvellous? The
deodorants, well, they've got

specialised ones now, you know, for all
different parts.

I mean, you can squirt them under the
arms, under the feet, and under the

circumstances.

That's all I do, really.

Lovely. You mentioned a little while
ago, you mentioned your husband. What

of shows does your husband watch? Well,
I'll tell you one he likes best, and

that is the one where that nice lady is
sort of in the wood near a castle and

she's eating a bar of chocolate flake.

He likes that one.

You see, it makes him feel all romantic.

I don't think why.

Like those other ones where those girls
roll about in the water, don't they?

Sometimes like in the jungle when they,
you know, they roll in the water.

And then by the seashore, a girl rolls
about and she always leaves a cigar

nearby.

And she's like, don't want to get it
wet, you see.

It's not nice when it's all wet.

Like that other one where all the girls
follow that man because he's got this

pipe, you see.

And then he's got a thing, doesn't he,
with a bald head.

And he goes like that, and his friend
gives him one, doesn't he?

Well, then he thinks he might take up
the pipe again.

And he doesn't want to go up in them
parachutes, you see.

Do you think perhaps that there's too
much sex on television?

Well, yeah, they get a bit saucy
sometimes, don't they?

Well, yeah, what about that bank manager
in the wardrobe?

I mean, you know, he ain't come to
inquire about her overdraft, has he?

And how about that little milkman?

I mean, you know what they say about
little men.

You'll notice he always comes round when
her husband's out.

The only time he ever met her husband,
what did he do? Told him to run...

Miltman is really Sandra's father.

Oh, I said, wash your mouth out with
nice castle and water, I said.

Is there anything that you don't like on
television? Well, I think some of these

occult things, you know, the
supernatural, it frightens me, you know.

Yes. I mean, you know the one I mean,
don't you? I mean, that one about extra

sexual perception.

Extra sensory perception.

As well, yes.

I mean those two men you know the two I
mean don't you I mean they manifest

themselves sometimes as policemen and
sometimes as

policemen but they know without making
any inquiry whatsoever that that girl is

wearing a hairspray not only that they
know what hairspray it is

and not only that she knows that they
know.

Ooh, that delving into other people's
minds like that thing shivers down my

spine.

Mrs. Spine, did you watch any other
programmes on the other side? I mean, do

watch anything like Panorama?

Pamanama? Is that like the bar with the
nuts on the outside? No, no, no. Because

I never watch commercials, you see.

When the commercials come on, I go
straight out the back. Well, thank you.

Always do. Thank you very much. It's
been a pleasure.

Have you got a lather yet?

Star of such films as Man of Steel, Boss
Man and Ramrod. Yes, you guessed it. It

could only be Hollywood's latest
superstar, Butch Cafferty.

Don't stop that music. That's my
favorite song. You know why?

Because it paid my bills.

Hey, remember Tequila Trail?

Remember Tequila Trail?

A wonderful picture, that.

It's not tequila, by the way. That's
just plain ordinary water.

Butch.

This is your first trip to London. This
is my first trip. Oh, yeah.

Forget about it. Forget about it.

That's nice material there.

This is my first trip to London. I want
you to know that as far as I'm

concerned, London is the most exciting,
the most interesting city in the whole

of England.

I mean, that's a wonderful place. But
your language.

Oh, my God, your language.

Well, I tell you, I was at London
Airport.

And this character stood there, and I
said, would you help me with my bag? He

said, sir, I can't help you with your
bag. I said, your bag, sir? He said,

because I'm a clerk.

I said, Gary, why? He said, I'm a clerk.
I said, okay, sir, you're a clerk. You

go tick -tock, tick -tock.

I said, there's no course for alarm.

God, he laughed.

He had to out of something to the end.

Butch, now, you've just returned from
Italy, where you've been making one of

these Italian westerns. Oh, wait, what's
up? Food in Italy. Oh, my God. I'm in a

restaurant there one night with this
boy.

Oh, man, you know, a fellow actor, a
very virile sort of man.

I was saying to him, and I said, I said,
wow, I say, if I have any more

spaghetti and I burp, I'm going to lasso
a waiter.

I don't know where that was.

Oh, the dialogue.

in those spaghetti western films I tell
you the dialogue it's the romantic in

quotes you know what I mean romantic in
quotes see it with someone you love go

by yourself what do you always say who
cares anyway

There's this girl in this picture. Oh,
my God. Is she a hard -faced bitch? Oh,

my. Is it all right to say bitch on this
program? Well, I think so. Is it okay?

Well, anyway, I don't know what you
said. Anyway, she says to me, she has to

say, you're not in love with me. You're
in love with your six -shooter.

In love with my six -shooter.

Fond of it.

Oh, wait till I tell you. There is this
boy in this film, this full -blooded

Indian boy. You know, he's so gorgeous.

And this boy, in a virile sort of way.

And this boy in this picture, you know,
he says, white man speak with forked

tongue. I said, well, my God, none of us
are perfect.

He laughed.

Hey, wait a minute. I have gotten me a
Savile Row suit. Now, how about a Savile

Row suit? Oh, quite the English
gentleman.

In tweeds, yes, tweeds.

And I tell you what, I'm walking across
Hyde Park there, and I'm wearing the

tweed suit. You know, I got down in the
silver shoes.

with the little gold birds, you know.
They're functional, you know. Well, you

know, I'm a lemon sock, and I got the
green shirt, you know, with the red tie.

And my fetton was my trademark, which is
pink.

And I was walking along, and there was
this workman by the side of the road.

God, he was gorgeous. He had muscles all
over his foot. And he looks at me in a

virile sort of way. And he looked at me,
and he said, hey, you, he said, where's

your earrings?

I said, earrings with tweeds.

I mean, well, you know yourself that
earrings, you know... Do you know you

very nice eyes?

No, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.
He's got very nice... I mean it. I

mean it. You have very nice eyes. Are
they blue?

It's hard to tell.

In what way do you think the English...
What way

do you think the British differ from the
Americans?

I would say they're more sincere.

They're much more sincere.

And as I always say, be sincere.

Even if you don't mean it.

Be sincere.

I tell you, in Hollywood, everybody has
an image. Everybody over there is

putting up a front. They've all got
fronts.

Nobody's got any behinds anymore.

And I'm over here with this gorgeous
boy. God, he's gorgeous.

Kid, I'm sharing a dressing room with an
English actor. God, he's... Honestly, I

don't usually share because I'm a star.

This young actor, and he's gorgeous, and
he's so sincere, you know, because a

lot of young, good -looking men are
conceited. I try not to be.

Because he's the same way. Because,
folks, honestly, this is not the real

Honestly, you meet me in the street, you
wouldn't recognize me. I wear furs,

nylons, fenders, long black gloves.

I'm kidding, of course. They know I'm
kidding. Why don't I ask?

Of course, I'm kidding.

Why isn't he kidding?

Butch, there must be very... any
precious on you. Hmm?

Precious on you.

Oh, precious. I thought you said
precious.

I thought I was getting through to you.

Wow.

But anyway, you know, I've seen it so
far there. But the thing is, now let me

just tell you this. I, I, I was saying
to my eldest son this morning, I said,

Karen, is that... I was speaking to him
this morning. Are you a married man?

No, no, no. Don't do it.

Not as good as the real thing, I promise
you.

But my wife, oh, my wife, she gets on to
me early morning till late at night.

She's on to me all the time. I hate her.
I really do, because she says I'm a

feminist. I said, well, compared to you,
everybody's a feminist.

What chances have you got? I mean, my
father was the female impersonator. My

mother was the principal boy.

Well,

now, Butch, let's change the subject. I
understand that you're writing...

writing your first book. Is it in any
way autobiographical?

Butch.

Butch.

Well, Butch, we could go on talking like
this for hours, but unfortunately that

old clock on the wall tells me that we
have only 43 and a half minutes to go,

with that, it's goodbye this week. Look
in next week when we shall have some

more interesting people for you.

Much more interesting.

A small, strong ale, please.

Certainly, sir.

There's a street near Plymouth, ho,
where sailors like to go.

There's a name there called the Fawlty
Pussy Cat.

There's a broken -hearted gal with the
name of Sad -Eyed Val.

On her feet, beside the bar, you'll find
her fat.

She'll whisper sweet nothings in your
ear, sip your wine and swig your beer,

sing a simple song, though slightly
flat.

She used to juggle with a carrot, or a
banana, than a parrot.

But things got hard, and she had to eat
the axe.

Oh, said a tear, said a tear, that I'd
found, that I'd found, all her hopes and

dreams will fade and fall apart, fall
apart, and be thin -feared, be thin

-feared, with your own gown.

In your hand you hold your love of
heart.

To the seamen she was a prize.

A real fight for four eyes.

And the officer, they smiled on her as
well.

And Captain Sidney Smart took one look,
then lofty fart.

Though he thought he'd married, then he
proved himself.

One night he felt her fockley five.

Felt that I'd love you till I die. Let
me feel it. Let me feel it with a kiss.

Found that anger filled the air.

Didn't fell for Fubon there. He held a
knife and snarled. Oh, it has come to

this.

The knife was aimed at felled fox Fubon.
He parried with a cupon. He was

spinning feathers, vaulting through the
air.

He'd ended up in Sydney, just below his
kidney. Food and screaming went before

him, lying there.

But fed a tear. Fed a tear. And I'd bow.

And I'd bow. All her hope and dreams
will fade and fall apart.

Fall apart. And be sincere.

Be sincere.

To your own gal.

To your own gal. Remember in your hand
you hold a young girl's heart.

Thou rough to fig me fried.

Oh, fig to me, she cried.

He forked some whiskey down him from a
nearby glass.

And Fee nerfed him night and day and
discreetly turned away when Fee gave him

his injection in his car.

In his seat there came a fluff.

He gift her a hand that made her bluff.

Fee smiled happily to see him looking so
well.

Soon he could stand on his own feet and
walk unaided down the street. For we

went off and married Lady Foov and
Fnell.

Who fed a tear.

For that I fell All her hope and dreams
will fade and fall apart And deep

in fear To your own gown Remember in
your hand you hold another heart

If you're ever Plymouth way and down
that street you chow to stray And you

feel foolhardy and adventurous

Think carefully before you venture
through the door beneath the swinging

that fly old poof.

Go and drink with filthy Farrah, or
cattle market Clara, or knickers Nell,

they're all sweet and refined.

But if your heart is filled with lust,
and drink with sell you must, remember,

see how buffered Toby kind.

And if, when he's had a few.

Hold her close to you, and you think
you're in a dream, though you're awake.

Don't be taken by surprise, if when he's
close to eyes, he calls you Darling

Sidney by mistake.

fed a tear.

For that I fell.

All her hope and dreams will fade and
fall apart.

And deep in fear, your own girl,
remember in your hand you hold

your love of heart.

The young ones didn't dig it. And they
thought it put us down. They said

always trouble whenever we're around.

But we made it.

The love and dance and sing.

In peace with one another.

It was there we did our thing. We came
to Woodstick.

Woodstick.

to be milk.

Strawberry. Definitely strawberry.

It's tangy.

I don't know what it is.

Here. I've been looking for that paint.

Touch up your balustrade.

Touch up your balustrade in a minute,
for God's sake.

Hey!

What do you think you're playing at?
You're putting out a bloody poison me.

And now for our autumn fashion parade.

Here is Trudy, wearing a lovely skirt
and bolero in brown suede with a

motif.

The ensemble can be worn with a belt, or
equally attractively, without a belt.

And now for the gentlemen.

Here is Jeremy and his new leather suit,
all set for an evening out at London's

Jet Set.

non -smoker.

And should the evening prove a little
warm, he can remove the jacket to reveal

novel touch, the backless shirt.

His ensemble can be worn with the belt
or, equally attractively, without the

belt.

I didn't use my deodorant today.

I didn't use my deodorant yesterday.

I might not use my deodorant tomorrow.

Oh, please, please use it tomorrow.

Hi

there.

I'm Cheryl.

I've got 747s going to Miami.

Fly me.

I'm candy.

I've got 238.

Go.

I'm sorry, can I go? I'm sorry.

Tim's TV Panto, take one.

So this is Turnham Green.

My, you're a pretty one and no mistake.

What say you, Dobbin?

And candy.

I've got jumbos. Go...

And

now, beachwear.

Here's Gypsy, all ready for her summer
holidays in a blouse jacket in fabulous

brown and gold chiffon.

And when the sun comes out, she removes
her jacket to reveal a daring swimsuit

in eye -catching canary yellow.

So it's on with the sunglasses and down
to the beach.

And here's Jeremy.

And

here's

Jeremy again.

Jeremy's ensemble is in red and black
carefree cotton.

And when the sun comes out, he slips off
his jacket to show his gay, matching,

crease -shedding hat.

So it's on with his trendiest sunglasses
and down to the beach.

Hi there. I'm Candy. I've got 747s going
to Miami.

Miami.

Oh, fly me?

Oh, fly me.

Good noon, men.

Good

noon,

men, after ladies' gentle bodies.

And a spaceship welcome to all the
little poisoned girls.

And when I say poisoned girls, I don't
mean little girls who have taken poison

and become poisoned girls.

I mean, of course, all the little
chilblains.

So much for German satire.

Die Glock reicht ein!

Die Glock reicht ein!

Die Glock... Nein,

hier! Die Hände!

Die Hände! Die Hände! Die Hände! Die
Hände! Die Hände! Die

Hände!

That's Tim's television.

And now we have a solo by our solo
singer. His name is Siegfried.

This young man. This young man.

You are Siegfried?

Yes. A young man?

You have a good pair of lungs for a
young man.

Sie hat ein gutes Pair für eine Frau.

Und ein ganz schönes Tockel. Ja.

Und so ließ Jungmann gesingen eine Solo
des Reims.

Kleines Bopi hat verloren, Herr Schief,
und weiß nicht, wo sie forschen.

Lebt sie allein und sie will kommen
heim. Ja, mit der dingle, dongle,

dingle, dingle.

will eine bunche Fumpf auf der Hute
gehabt.

Go und geht Stufen.

Hast du gehört das?

Nicht an deine Nelly.

Das war sehr schön.

Sehr gut.

Nein, sehr, sehr, sehr gut.

Sieh mich später in the dressing room,
ja?

So, jetzt, meine Damen und Herren, eine
Kinderpoem für das erste Mal in English

mit Helmut.

Aditha is the best of people in all the
class.

And they're singing in English.

And little Jack.

Little Jack. Corner.

Corner. Yeah. Good.

Corner. Set. I mean.

The stool.

Set in a corner.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

He put in his... What happened he put
in?

It is

too warm.

He put

in his... He

put in his thumb.

Tom? Nick Tom? Dick Tom? Yeah. And
pulled out?

And what pulled the man out?

Slick!

Come, what happened he could pull him
out?

sticking in, ja? Ja.

So it must be the time what they're
taking out.

That figures, ja.

Nein.

He pulled... He pulled out a plum.

Helmut, am I getting through to you? He
pulled out a plum.

So, we have a piece of classical music.

Mozart and Liszt.

And that one is... We have Erste von
Mozart.

We have Der Rondo a la Turck.

Frank, Frank, Frank.

Frank, Frank, Frank.

You're lying, Harvey!

Don't jump!

Bum bum bum bum bum bum!

Until we meet again, on behalf of us
all, may I say...

Thank you.