All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s02e01

My pineapple form takes your ginger
bishop, leaving your caramel king

exposed.

And my nicotine knight takes your
coconut queen.

You're not supposed to do that.

Very well.

for that button.

Here's to the Benny Hill Show and here
is Benny Hill.

She thinks she is slim like a willow.
She's just skinny and bony and tall.

If she hadn't been blessed with two
warts on her chest, she'd have no figure

all. She'd like to please all the men,
but she's so terribly thin there is

hardly enough to go round.

Once she swallowed a whole pickled onion
and 24 fellas left town.

But oh, Zanduna, I'm longing to make you
my own.

And then I will know, Zanduna, a
happiness I never know.

Her flashing dark eyes are so jealous.

The left one keeps watching the right.

And those teeth that I love are like the
stars up above because they come out

every night.

Oh, my God.

one in a million.

Often have you heard that, Ted?

But she is not one in a million. She
looks like she's one in a raffle

I'm a nose and tuna.

I'm longing to make you my own.

And then I'm a nose and tuna.

A happiness I've never known.

An oil man from Texas once tried to
impress the shy and the sensitive waist.

He said, I've so many gold teeth that I
sleep every night with my head in a

safe. He said, there's 400 quid if
you'll come with me, kid, to my flat. It

most unexpected.

But she didn't fret and she wasn't
upset. She just kept cool and calm and

collected. But oh, Zanduna, I'm longing
to make you my own.

And then I will know, Zanduna, a
happiness I'll never know.

Tongue -tied, I sat with Zanduna while
licking its paws was the cat. I

stammered, Zanduna, I'd like to see you
do that.

Suddenly my Zanduna slapped my face and
she left me because for the time I had

said what I wanted to say, the cat
wasn't licking its paws.

Oh, marry me, Zanduna, and we'll live in
old Monterey. But don't leave it to me.

This is the health farm where the seedy,
the flabby, and the overweight come to

be rejuvenated and to regain their trim,
lithe figures of yesteryear.

With me, the principal, Mr. Fred
Scuttle.

Not mine, sir. Dr. Scott. I beg your
pardon.

Now, you advertise in your brochures
health courses at popular prices. Yes,

Could you give us an example?

Certainly, sir.

Four weeks of health -giving exercises
and nutritional diets.

300 guineas, sir.

300 guineas? Yes, sir. I'd hardly call
that a popular price.

I like it.

300 guineas for four weeks of lemon
juice and lettuce leaves?

That's only the diet, sir.

For meals, sir, for meals.

Suet dumplings.

Yorkshire pudding.

Treacle and custard, sir.

Doesn't that make you put on weight?
Only if you swallow it.

But not everybody comes here to lose
weight. Some come to put it on, sir. One

fellow brought his little wife here,
sir. Going to bed with her was becoming

hazard. The cat had her on the landing
twice.

she was, sir? In her stocking feet? On
her knees.

She was so weak? No, the scales are
under the sink.

Are the men and women segregated?

The men are, sir. Some of the men are.

But not the women, sir, no.

They wouldn't allow that.

I mean, do they do mix... exercising?

They used not to, so they do now. We
used to have, sort of, the ladies on one

side of the garden, you see, and the
gentlemen on the other, and a sort of a

dirty grape privilege going down the
centre, sir, but there was so much

about the bush.

We let them, they get together, they
argue, they do, we even have mixed sauna

baths. They can air their differences
any time they like.

Tell me, Dr. Scuttle, what was your
greatest challenge?

I would say, without any shadow of a
doubt, excuse me,

Without any shadow of a doubt.

Mrs.

Hardcastle, sir.

She was with us two and a half years.

She was an obituary?

Most of the time, yes.

Twenty -seven stones, sir.

I think she was sent on this earth to
show how far the human skin could

without bursting.

She had to put a girdle on to get into a
phone box.

And then it came to me, sir, in a flash.

Riding, I said to myself, riding!

And was she a horse lover?

I never found out, sir.

She didn't speak very often. How did she
get on?

We used a winch.

We got her on there, then she was eight
hours every day in the saddle, sir.

Eight hours a day. Eight hours?

Didn't that give her a headache?

Quite the reverse, sir.

It would give the horse a headache.

Well, Dr. Scuttle, I believe you've
prepared a film for us to see. That is

right, sir, yes. Would you like to see
it now, sir?

Keep fit, class, sir. Oh, you'll enjoy
this. It's very good. Because they're

muscles. They're muscle lads, you know.
They're very...

Today marks the anniversary of the death
of Solomon St. John, the 18th century

poet. To mark the occasion, Felix
Tantrum reads one of his poems, just as

written in 1770.

He hath lofty part to fooven.

But alas, fee is too grand.

Fooven was strolling by the stream,
listening as the church bells rang.

They found it sad, but not as sad as the
thong that

Such a funny day.

A foo took off her blouse and flip

and corset so that she could have a
swim.

He's the fattler spied on her but foo
could not see him.

Slowly foo took off her foo and fox and
then she

was undressed.

Sinful Sidney felt his heart beating in
his His breath, the fun fun on the silky

softness of her golden hair, it cascaded
past her folders

and rested on her bosom there.

His heart was filled with lust as foo
faunted across the grass.

He longed to stroke that tiny waist.

and that large, well -rounded car.

As Foo fled into the water, Sid revealed
himself to her.

He stood beside her clothing, determined
not to stir.

Fooven, who was slightly thocked,

her feminine embarrassment strode up to
Sidney's thigh.

First he said, Do you know what I think,
you silly clot?

He said, You think that foxman hath a
bottom? It hath not.

The scene was set for production when
blacksmith Sam appeared.

Oh, save me, Sam, said Fooven.

Sam grabbed at Sidney's beard.

They wrestled and they tuffled, and
their muffled fun with sweat.

Sid flipped and did a thumb -a -thot,
dislocating his neck.

As Sam held Foo in his strong arms, he
felt her softly fly.

I'm your...

Until I die.

Now they're married and have 16
children.

And they've just purchased a new pram.
As I said before, there's no one who can

ring the bell like fam.

de barbette.

Jambon trite.

Ne touchez pas le pouc.

These are just four of the films to come
from the founder of the French avant

-garde cinema, director Pierre Teterre.

Bonsoir.

Mes hommages. Thank you very much.

For me, the best thing you've ever done,
perhaps the most memorable thing I've

ever seen in the cinema, it was that
moment in Lavabo, on fuss.

This 22 -year -old girl who for so long
had lived in this fantasy world

suddenly, through the death of her pet
tortoise, has to face up to reality.

Suddenly, you change from colour to
black and white right until the end of

film. A masterstroke showing stark
reality. No, no, no.

We change from colour to black and white
because we run out of colour film.

You see, we have no more colour film.

We have no money to buy other colour
films, so we use the, well, you have

stock, black and white, that's why.

Yes.

But the, um... The urgency you implied
in the story, so simply giving almost

a documentary effect by using a handheld
camera, it gave... No, no, no, no, no.

We use handheld because we don't have
the, you call it, tripod.

The tripod to put on top.

You see, the cameraman hit on the head
the make -up man with the tripod and

break it.

We break the tripod, not the head.

And we have no... So we hold in the
hand.

This girl who had this duende, this
savoir -faire, so very nearly perfect,

you gave her a lisp, showing even the
most perfect of us.

No, no, no. I don't give her a lisp. She
have a lisp.

The actress who plays the part has
always the lisp. Always the lisp.

You searched all over France for an
actress with a lisp.

No, I don't search for her. She was
discovered, actually, by the producer,

was living with her at the time.

He says she is, so I put her in, you
know.

I think the best part of the film, it
was in the restaurant.

She looked up to him and said, I want a
life in

the grand manner.

No, no, no, no. She says, I would like
mussel soup.

Very significant.

And then, at the end of the film, as she
sits alone in the barren waste of the

Camargue, that little dog ran up to her.

That said it all.

It's a dog's life.

How did you get him to do that? I don't
get him to do it. I don't know who this

dog is.

I mean, if I knew who this dog is, I'd
kill him because the dog put the leg up

on the camera, you know.

And all the working is very rusty, and
like a jelly, you know, it's terrible. I

could kill you with it, the dog, you
know.

Thank you, Pierre Duterte.

And now, we are going to show a clip
from Lonely Boy, Duterte's film, which

illustrates so perfectly the modern,
everyday youth confronted by the

sycophantic hedonist syndrome, which...
Pardon, pardon, monsieur. Show the film.

No, no, no, just show the film. Oh, yes.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, Sandra.

What they said he was.

Time for our Spanish lesson now.

Spanish lesson with Conchita Paloma.
Told you, didn't I?

Buenas tardes, amigo.

Buenas tardes, senorita. Me llama...

Que bonito nombre.

Y como se llama usted?

Me llama Cheryl Goody. Ah, es muy bonito
también.

Gracias.

De nada.

It's okay.

Just a minute, just a minute.

Excuse me, por favor, senorita. Excuse
me, excuse me.

Sorry, Sandra, sorry, Sandra.

Oh, dear Jesus.

Here we go. Do it, Donald.

Just a minute, just a minute, just a
minute, just a minute.

Are you all right, Miss Fox?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Goody. It's all
right, my dear. Come in. I just didn't

who to turn to. I don't know anyone on
the floor. It's all right, my dear. Come

and sit down. It's all right. It's all
right.

I just couldn't stand it in my room
anymore. I was so lonely.

I know exactly how you feel. I know
exactly how you feel. I just couldn't

another night in that same room.

I know exactly. I know exactly, exactly.

In that same bed. Exactly.

Nice drink. Do you good? Yeah, nice
drink.

Have a drink. I'll do you good.

Oh, I... I quite like sherry. Oh, this
is quite like sherry.

I'll tell you... Miss Fox.

Oh, Carol.

Oh, that's nice.

You.

Cyril. Oh, that's nice too.

I see. Has some man been upsetting you,
has he?

Cheryl, Cheryl.

It's the pipes.

I mean, I don't know what he expects.

A lot of people find me attractive.

I find you attractive. I think you're
smashing. I do.

I think you belong on soft furnishings.

You know something? The first time I saw
you on soft furnishings, I got on

hardware right away.

Just so as I could be near you.

And then when you went on the toilet
counter, I went out of my way with the

consignment notes just to pass by, just
to see you.

I mean, I think you're very pretty.

Every time you touch it, it makes a
funny noise.

I say, this young man of yours sounds to
me like a thoroughly nasty piece of

work.

What do you bloody know about it?

He's twice the man you are, I tell you
that for nothing, you great fat puddin'.

I was only trying to help you, that's
all.

No, you're right.

You're right, it's not worth bothering
about anyway. Of course it's not. Let's

enjoy ourselves. Let's think about our
faith.

a little kiss.

Leave me for that rotten Mabel Tassler.
Me!

Me! Oh, I'm better looking than she is
any day.

I bloody am.

I didn't say you wasn't. I didn't say
you wasn't. I think you're ever so nice.

Now, don't get upset.

Don't get upset. I think a girl,
actually, a girl with a face as pretty

girl with a face as pretty as yours, you
know, shouldn't want for men at all.

Not at all. That's what I think.

Who cares about what the world...

And now we welcome to the Benny Hill
Show...

Yes, really changed in these past few
days

when I see myself, I see...

Oh, man.

But now I'd like to take you into the
greenhouse to meet one of the gardeners.

And I've managed to get hold of Amos
Thrip.

Now, Amos Thrip is the head gardener
here at Landley Hall. He's also said by

many to be a leading authority on the
vegetable marrow.

Hmm? He is also said by many to be a
leading authority on the vegetable

He's also said by many to be the leading
authority on the vegetable matter.

Come, come, Perth, I wouldn't say that.

However, I do hope before the evening's
over to show the viewers my three -foot

-six wonder.

But you did once raise one four -foot
-six.

I was younger then, Perth.

And I wasn't married, you see, I had
more time then, see.

Of course you'd raise it in here.

Oh, I couldn't raise it outside, not
this way.

It's too bleak and cold.

Pardon? It's too bleak and cold. Too
bleak and too cold.

Bleak and cold out there, see? I should
be frozen in a marish, shouldn't I?

But according to those plants outside,
the winter has no fears for you, Amos.

No birds, no bees.

No flowers, no trees.

No wonder, November.

at a witty West Country bandage. I give
you some idea of the nonchalance with

which I regard the pattern of the
Hortum.

The Hortum, that season of mists and
mellow fruitiness.

And once again, we ask that old
question, what shall I do with my hardy

perennials?

And once again, we get the same reply.

Once again, we get the same reply.

Just because winter draws on, that's no
need to discard your summer bloomers

entirely.

But do watch out, because if Jack Frost
gets his hands on your geraniums, by

golly, you'll know about it.

Even before you met her, I understand
your wife was a keen horticulturist.

Well, first, what she'd done before she
married me is her own concern.

All I know is that eight months, ten
months after our union, it was blessed

in the nursery there for all to see. The
results of our union was there in the

nursery. Boy or a girl?

Rhododendron.

It's variegated leaves. That's very
rare, that. But I put plenty of manure

it. You're all right if you've got
plenty of manure. Bunk plenty of manure

it, see?

You should learn to call it fertiliser.

It took me ten years to learn to call it
manure.

Do you get any pests in here?

Big fun first?

Do you get any pests in here? Not till
today, no.

But how do you avoid the greenflies?

I wish brown trousers at the root.

No, that's just me larking about. No,
actually, last summer I did get a touch

the cucumber blight.

They don't usually attack people, only
cucumbers.

So I went along to the doctor and he put
some blue unction on it and it's all

right now.

But, you know, everyone is anxious now
to hear about your prize -winning

exhibit. My prize -winning exhibit's
first? Well, last year, my red currant

coming first in the tomato section.

entered my King Edwards, you know. Well,
you're only allowed to enter £14 each.

I didn't want to cut one in half.

So then there's my pride and joy, my
high bride rose.

My what?

A fine specimen, have you named it? Yes,
I have. I call it first the Raquel

Welsh.

Oh, a lovely name after a lovely lady.

She can have the top off my egg any
time.

Is it best in the bed?

Well, it's quite nice in the bed.

Some people prefer it up against the
wall.

Or there are those, you know, who prefer
it in and out the trellis work, you

know.

That's accordingly, as long as you get
plenty of sun on it, you're all right.

Get the sun on it, that's the main
thing.

Well, I must say, it's an exceptionally
fine specimen.

It is, hasn't it? How do you get it to
bloom as early as that?

With my... Thrips wonder!

Never fails.

Pour a little of this on there, and
you'll find... I'll come up there and

you.

Perhaps the booers would care to see my
cucumbers.

They're not cucumbers.

They're two of the... They're the
nicest... Well, I hope you'll join me

next week. I had a dandelion named after
her.

When I shall again be... I had a red
-hot poker named after me. Until then,

night.

racking on feats of strength.

Give me a little beauty queen to help me
out. Here she is now.

Oh, yes, you pretty little thing. Pretty
little thing.

You notice she has to have a chaperone,
folks.

That's on account I'm such a wolf.

Thank you, Miss Chaperone.

Well, round about now.

When I'm here, I'm going to shock you
and get mud.

Are you the beauty queen?

Yes, it's me.

I can't, sir, John. John, I can't lift
her.

Well, you know, that might trouble.

We might have to ask her.

I mean, that wouldn't make up for three
weeks.

Why wasn't I invited to Susan's party?

Perhaps they thought you wouldn't enjoy
it, darling.

We'll be playing postman's knock and
having jelly and custard.

But will they be having hill spaghetti?

We'll have our own little party, love.

And we'll do you and I and us.

What's that in the road?

A head?

Hold it.

I'm sorry, hold, hold it a second. No,
dear, no.

What's that in the road a head?

Not what's that in the road a head.

It's only a bicycle.

Open the gate, she'll be up in a minute.

Oh, go in the garage.

Right about now, Miss Jenny's going to
show you an exhibition of female

sharpshooting. How about that, huh?

Miss Jenny.

I'm sorry, John. Could somebody do
something about that pen?

Ooh,

what's this thing called, love?

Whip it right... The old pipe, um, out
there, and whip it right out.

Stand by, baby.

You don't have to be crazy in this
daredevil act, but by golly, it sure do

What the bloody hell are you doing?

She shouldn't have been there.

How's that boyfriend of yours, dear?

He's all right, Mum.

You all right, love?

Yes, of course I'm all right, Mum.

Bring them back with Benvril.

He's got big ears anyway.

Don't you worry about it. You just drink
up your Benvril.

Hold it!

I told you. We should have booked that,
didn't we?

I didn't mean to reply.

I didn't mean to reply like this before.

Now, folks, round about here, young Miss
Jenny, she's going to give you an

exhibition of that. Oh, daredevil!

Just a minute, sir.

Will you open it, please?

I'm so sorry.

Nice, broad radio.

With big blisters.

Porto -embrication?

Pardon? Porto -embrication?

No, no, however. Have a nice wine, have
a shaving erosion, no half -porto

-embrication. No, however.

You've just arrived, sir? I got a
fright.

How did you get a fright? With a fright
ticket.

A flight?

Yes.

It was a miracle.

What was a miracle?

We take off. It was a miracle.

You took off from a miracle?

The United States have a miracle.

America. Yes.

Bloody trick.

Are you staying here, sir, or going on
overseas?

I have a right.

Yes, you have a right to go on overseas,
but I have a right to ask where.

I have a right.

You have a right? No, you have a right.
I have a right.

Oh, I love white. Yeah.

Stupid idiot.

I'd hardly call that overseas. You try
walking now.

Can you see this?

Yes.

Can you read it? No.

Why not?

Wrong way up.

You're Chinese.

Oh, brother.

Mother of mine!

Did you understand it? Did you
understand me?

Hardly the point.

Is this all you have? Yes, sure.

Also, I have here something to show you.

That egg.

One hundred year old egg.

One hundred year old. One hundred year.

You don't seem to have much.

No, I have my beliefs.

Your beliefs? Ah, yes. Butter. No, no
butter, no sugar, no tea, no.

Just have my beliefs. Always have my
beliefs.

I'm sorry to leave it in such disarray.
Oh, disarray, that array. Who cares?

How did you owe that, Ed? Oh, dear.

And you.

Hey,

immigration.

I'll be ready with a very soon moment.

Hey, you've been out in the sun, cookie
boy.

No, you have been telling my colleague
that you are going to the Isle of Wight.

For what purpose?

Bleeding cows.

That is where. I wish to know why. That
is, that is why.

I'm going there bleeding cows.

I bleed cow.

Rook.

Rook.

I can't go to Liggett.

I can't go to Lill.

Lill. Liggett, Harrogate.

Liggett and Harrogate. Why you look
paint everything?

He's angrier. Oh, why is he angrier?

Because he live in East Anglia.

Oh, East Anglia. Oh, yes.

It's which town?

Yes. Yes, what?

I go, you see, my work, you see, my
work, I have to find a farm that's

Oh, your work is pharmaceutical, yes.

No, a farm that's suitable. Why you
don't listen?

You no got crop ears.

Ross, you rug hoes out.

Look, I get to a farm.

I take the bull to the cow so that the
bull can make rug to the cow.

Oh, but surely that is a job for the
farmer. It has to be a bull.

a mummy.

So I wait.

I wait.

Forever?

No, forever. Only for a few months.

And then, a little tiny baby boy, and
another little baby boy, and another

little baby boy, and all the little baby
boys, all grow up.

And then when they have all their...
Then I charter a ship.

Oh, you charter a ship? That's what I
said. Why, you know, listen.

Right. And then when I got a chip, when
I got all that, I sent to Hong Kong

a lot of bull.

No, you don't. Oh, yes, I do.

No, it's a load of bull.

Good night, my friends.

Time to call it a day.

Time to blow out the candle.

Or as my friend Shirley Bassey would
say,

She sounds like Dorothy Squires.

I did it my way.

Moses said to Isaiah, life isn't all
milk and all honey.

He said, Isaiah, come forth.

And Isaiah came fifth.

And they went and they cut off his
money.

It's all Greek to me, you know.

Hello, everyone.

Here is a little song about a girl who
is going to see her lover by the

eucalyptus tree.

And as she walks there, she sees a boy.

And he says, your lips are like red
wine, and I should like to sip them.

And she says, you cannot, because I'm
going to meet my lover by the eucalyptus

tree. And a little further on, she meets
another boy. And he says, your eyes are

like pools of clear crystal water. I
should like to bathe in them. And she

you cannot, because I'm going to see my
lover by the eucalyptus tree.

And a little further on, she meets
another boy. And he says, your hair is

corn waving in the breeze.

I should like to run barefoot through
it.

And she says, you cannot, because I'm
going to see my lover by the eucalyptus

tree. And she gets to the eucalyptus
tree, and her lover doesn't come.

Exacto.

I exacto.

I'm an exo. Mini, mini, I bet you
exacto.

Now, here is a little song.

January the 3rd.

January the 2nd. January the 3rd.

January... You'd rather have Moira who?

Sure, Dovebody.

Meet Dovebody. Coming through the door.
If you dare to touch my body, I will

black your eye.

How are you back to Bonnie, Scotland?

Sit my horlicks. Listen to the Beverly
Sisters on the

radio.