Original subtitles

My pineapple form takes your ginger bishop, leaving your caramel king

exposed.

And my nicotine knight takes your coconut queen.

You're not supposed to do that.

Very well.

for that button.

Here's to the Benny Hill Show and here is Benny Hill.

She thinks she is slim like a willow. She's just skinny and bony and tall.

If she hadn't been blessed with two warts on her chest, she'd have no figure

all. She'd like to please all the men, but she's so terribly thin there is

hardly enough to go round.

Once she swallowed a whole pickled onion and 24 fellas left town.

But oh, Zanduna, I'm longing to make you my own.

And then I will know, Zanduna, a happiness I never know.

Her flashing dark eyes are so jealous.

The left one keeps watching the right.

And those teeth that I love are like the stars up above because they come out

every night.

Oh, my God.

one in a million.

Often have you heard that, Ted?

But she is not one in a million. She looks like she's one in a raffle

I'm a nose and tuna.

I'm longing to make you my own.

And then I'm a nose and tuna.

A happiness I've never known.

An oil man from Texas once tried to impress the shy and the sensitive waist.

He said, I've so many gold teeth that I sleep every night with my head in a

safe. He said, there's 400 quid if you'll come with me, kid, to my flat. It

most unexpected.

But she didn't fret and she wasn't upset. She just kept cool and calm and

collected. But oh, Zanduna, I'm longing to make you my own.

And then I will know, Zanduna, a happiness I'll never know.

Tongue -tied, I sat with Zanduna while licking its paws was the cat. I

stammered, Zanduna, I'd like to see you do that.

Suddenly my Zanduna slapped my face and she left me because for the time I had

said what I wanted to say, the cat wasn't licking its paws.

Oh, marry me, Zanduna, and we'll live in old Monterey. But don't leave it to me.

This is the health farm where the seedy, the flabby, and the overweight come to

be rejuvenated and to regain their trim, lithe figures of yesteryear.

With me, the principal, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Not mine, sir. Dr. Scott. I beg your pardon.

Now, you advertise in your brochures health courses at popular prices. Yes,

Could you give us an example?

Certainly, sir.

Four weeks of health -giving exercises and nutritional diets.

300 guineas, sir.

300 guineas? Yes, sir. I'd hardly call that a popular price.

I like it.

300 guineas for four weeks of lemon juice and lettuce leaves?

That's only the diet, sir.

For meals, sir, for meals.

Suet dumplings.

Yorkshire pudding.

Treacle and custard, sir.

Doesn't that make you put on weight? Only if you swallow it.

But not everybody comes here to lose weight. Some come to put it on, sir. One

fellow brought his little wife here, sir. Going to bed with her was becoming

hazard. The cat had her on the landing twice.

she was, sir? In her stocking feet? On her knees.

She was so weak? No, the scales are under the sink.

Are the men and women segregated?

The men are, sir. Some of the men are.

But not the women, sir, no.

They wouldn't allow that.

I mean, do they do mix... exercising?

They used not to, so they do now. We used to have, sort of, the ladies on one

side of the garden, you see, and the gentlemen on the other, and a sort of a

dirty grape privilege going down the centre, sir, but there was so much

about the bush.

We let them, they get together, they argue, they do, we even have mixed sauna

baths. They can air their differences any time they like.

Tell me, Dr. Scuttle, what was your greatest challenge?

I would say, without any shadow of a doubt, excuse me,

Without any shadow of a doubt.

Mrs.

Hardcastle, sir.

She was with us two and a half years.

She was an obituary?

Most of the time, yes.

Twenty -seven stones, sir.

I think she was sent on this earth to show how far the human skin could

without bursting.

She had to put a girdle on to get into a phone box.

And then it came to me, sir, in a flash.

Riding, I said to myself, riding!

And was she a horse lover?

I never found out, sir.

She didn't speak very often. How did she get on?

We used a winch.

We got her on there, then she was eight hours every day in the saddle, sir.

Eight hours a day. Eight hours?

Didn't that give her a headache?

Quite the reverse, sir.

It would give the horse a headache.

Well, Dr. Scuttle, I believe you've prepared a film for us to see. That is

right, sir, yes. Would you like to see it now, sir?

Keep fit, class, sir. Oh, you'll enjoy this. It's very good. Because they're

muscles. They're muscle lads, you know. They're very...

Today marks the anniversary of the death of Solomon St. John, the 18th century

poet. To mark the occasion, Felix Tantrum reads one of his poems, just as

written in 1770.

He hath lofty part to fooven.

But alas, fee is too grand.

Fooven was strolling by the stream, listening as the church bells rang.

They found it sad, but not as sad as the thong that

Such a funny day.

A foo took off her blouse and flip

and corset so that she could have a swim.

He's the fattler spied on her but foo could not see him.

Slowly foo took off her foo and fox and then she

was undressed.

Sinful Sidney felt his heart beating in his His breath, the fun fun on the silky

softness of her golden hair, it cascaded past her folders

and rested on her bosom there.

His heart was filled with lust as foo faunted across the grass.

He longed to stroke that tiny waist.

and that large, well -rounded car.

As Foo fled into the water, Sid revealed himself to her.

He stood beside her clothing, determined not to stir.

Fooven, who was slightly thocked,

her feminine embarrassment strode up to Sidney's thigh.

First he said, Do you know what I think, you silly clot?

He said, You think that foxman hath a bottom? It hath not.

The scene was set for production when blacksmith Sam appeared.

Oh, save me, Sam, said Fooven.

Sam grabbed at Sidney's beard.

They wrestled and they tuffled, and their muffled fun with sweat.

Sid flipped and did a thumb -a -thot, dislocating his neck.

As Sam held Foo in his strong arms, he felt her softly fly.

I'm your...

Until I die.

Now they're married and have 16 children.

And they've just purchased a new pram. As I said before, there's no one who can

ring the bell like fam.

de barbette.

Jambon trite.

Ne touchez pas le pouc.

These are just four of the films to come from the founder of the French avant

-garde cinema, director Pierre Teterre.

Bonsoir.

Mes hommages. Thank you very much.

For me, the best thing you've ever done, perhaps the most memorable thing I've

ever seen in the cinema, it was that moment in Lavabo, on fuss.

This 22 -year -old girl who for so long had lived in this fantasy world

suddenly, through the death of her pet tortoise, has to face up to reality.

Suddenly, you change from colour to black and white right until the end of

film. A masterstroke showing stark reality. No, no, no.

We change from colour to black and white because we run out of colour film.

You see, we have no more colour film.

We have no money to buy other colour films, so we use the, well, you have

stock, black and white, that's why.

Yes.

But the, um... The urgency you implied in the story, so simply giving almost

a documentary effect by using a handheld camera, it gave... No, no, no, no, no.

We use handheld because we don't have the, you call it, tripod.

The tripod to put on top.

You see, the cameraman hit on the head the make -up man with the tripod and

break it.

We break the tripod, not the head.

And we have no... So we hold in the hand.

This girl who had this duende, this savoir -faire, so very nearly perfect,

you gave her a lisp, showing even the most perfect of us.

No, no, no. I don't give her a lisp. She have a lisp.

The actress who plays the part has always the lisp. Always the lisp.

You searched all over France for an actress with a lisp.

No, I don't search for her. She was discovered, actually, by the producer,

was living with her at the time.

He says she is, so I put her in, you know.

I think the best part of the film, it was in the restaurant.

She looked up to him and said, I want a life in

the grand manner.

No, no, no, no. She says, I would like mussel soup.

Very significant.

And then, at the end of the film, as she sits alone in the barren waste of the

Camargue, that little dog ran up to her.

That said it all.

It's a dog's life.

How did you get him to do that? I don't get him to do it. I don't know who this

dog is.

I mean, if I knew who this dog is, I'd kill him because the dog put the leg up

on the camera, you know.

And all the working is very rusty, and like a jelly, you know, it's terrible. I

could kill you with it, the dog, you know.

Thank you, Pierre Duterte.

And now, we are going to show a clip from Lonely Boy, Duterte's film, which

illustrates so perfectly the modern, everyday youth confronted by the

sycophantic hedonist syndrome, which... Pardon, pardon, monsieur. Show the film.

No, no, no, just show the film. Oh, yes.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, Sandra.

What they said he was.

Time for our Spanish lesson now.

Spanish lesson with Conchita Paloma. Told you, didn't I?

Buenas tardes, amigo.

Buenas tardes, senorita. Me llama...

Que bonito nombre.

Y como se llama usted?

Me llama Cheryl Goody. Ah, es muy bonito también.

Gracias.

De nada.

It's okay.

Just a minute, just a minute.

Excuse me, por favor, senorita. Excuse me, excuse me.

Sorry, Sandra, sorry, Sandra.

Oh, dear Jesus.

Here we go. Do it, Donald.

Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute, just a minute.

Are you all right, Miss Fox?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Goody. It's all right, my dear. Come in. I just didn't

who to turn to. I don't know anyone on the floor. It's all right, my dear. Come

and sit down. It's all right. It's all right.

I just couldn't stand it in my room anymore. I was so lonely.

I know exactly how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. I just couldn't

another night in that same room.

I know exactly. I know exactly, exactly.

In that same bed. Exactly.

Nice drink. Do you good? Yeah, nice drink.

Have a drink. I'll do you good.

Oh, I... I quite like sherry. Oh, this is quite like sherry.

I'll tell you... Miss Fox.

Oh, Carol.

Oh, that's nice.

You.

Cyril. Oh, that's nice too.

I see. Has some man been upsetting you, has he?

Cheryl, Cheryl.

It's the pipes.

I mean, I don't know what he expects.

A lot of people find me attractive.

I find you attractive. I think you're smashing. I do.

I think you belong on soft furnishings.

You know something? The first time I saw you on soft furnishings, I got on

hardware right away.

Just so as I could be near you.

And then when you went on the toilet counter, I went out of my way with the

consignment notes just to pass by, just to see you.

I mean, I think you're very pretty.

Every time you touch it, it makes a funny noise.

I say, this young man of yours sounds to me like a thoroughly nasty piece of

work.

What do you bloody know about it?

He's twice the man you are, I tell you that for nothing, you great fat puddin'.

I was only trying to help you, that's all.

No, you're right.

You're right, it's not worth bothering about anyway. Of course it's not. Let's

enjoy ourselves. Let's think about our faith.

a little kiss.

Leave me for that rotten Mabel Tassler. Me!

Me! Oh, I'm better looking than she is any day.

I bloody am.

I didn't say you wasn't. I didn't say you wasn't. I think you're ever so nice.

Now, don't get upset.

Don't get upset. I think a girl, actually, a girl with a face as pretty

girl with a face as pretty as yours, you know, shouldn't want for men at all.

Not at all. That's what I think.

Who cares about what the world...

And now we welcome to the Benny Hill Show...

Yes, really changed in these past few days

when I see myself, I see...

Oh, man.

But now I'd like to take you into the greenhouse to meet one of the gardeners.

And I've managed to get hold of Amos Thrip.

Now, Amos Thrip is the head gardener here at Landley Hall. He's also said by

many to be a leading authority on the vegetable marrow.

Hmm? He is also said by many to be a leading authority on the vegetable

He's also said by many to be the leading authority on the vegetable matter.

Come, come, Perth, I wouldn't say that.

However, I do hope before the evening's over to show the viewers my three -foot

-six wonder.

But you did once raise one four -foot -six.

I was younger then, Perth.

And I wasn't married, you see, I had more time then, see.

Of course you'd raise it in here.

Oh, I couldn't raise it outside, not this way.

It's too bleak and cold.

Pardon? It's too bleak and cold. Too bleak and too cold.

Bleak and cold out there, see? I should be frozen in a marish, shouldn't I?

But according to those plants outside, the winter has no fears for you, Amos.

No birds, no bees.

No flowers, no trees.

No wonder, November.

at a witty West Country bandage. I give you some idea of the nonchalance with

which I regard the pattern of the Hortum.

The Hortum, that season of mists and mellow fruitiness.

And once again, we ask that old question, what shall I do with my hardy

perennials?

And once again, we get the same reply.

Once again, we get the same reply.

Just because winter draws on, that's no need to discard your summer bloomers

entirely.

But do watch out, because if Jack Frost gets his hands on your geraniums, by

golly, you'll know about it.

Even before you met her, I understand your wife was a keen horticulturist.

Well, first, what she'd done before she married me is her own concern.

All I know is that eight months, ten months after our union, it was blessed

in the nursery there for all to see. The results of our union was there in the

nursery. Boy or a girl?

Rhododendron.

It's variegated leaves. That's very rare, that. But I put plenty of manure

it. You're all right if you've got plenty of manure. Bunk plenty of manure

it, see?

You should learn to call it fertiliser.

It took me ten years to learn to call it manure.

Do you get any pests in here?

Big fun first?

Do you get any pests in here? Not till today, no.

But how do you avoid the greenflies?

I wish brown trousers at the root.

No, that's just me larking about. No, actually, last summer I did get a touch

the cucumber blight.

They don't usually attack people, only cucumbers.

So I went along to the doctor and he put some blue unction on it and it's all

right now.

But, you know, everyone is anxious now to hear about your prize -winning

exhibit. My prize -winning exhibit's first? Well, last year, my red currant

coming first in the tomato section.

entered my King Edwards, you know. Well, you're only allowed to enter £14 each.

I didn't want to cut one in half.

So then there's my pride and joy, my high bride rose.

My what?

A fine specimen, have you named it? Yes, I have. I call it first the Raquel

Welsh.

Oh, a lovely name after a lovely lady.

She can have the top off my egg any time.

Is it best in the bed?

Well, it's quite nice in the bed.

Some people prefer it up against the wall.

Or there are those, you know, who prefer it in and out the trellis work, you

know.

That's accordingly, as long as you get plenty of sun on it, you're all right.

Get the sun on it, that's the main thing.

Well, I must say, it's an exceptionally fine specimen.

It is, hasn't it? How do you get it to bloom as early as that?

With my... Thrips wonder!

Never fails.

Pour a little of this on there, and you'll find... I'll come up there and

you.

Perhaps the booers would care to see my cucumbers.

They're not cucumbers.

They're two of the... They're the nicest... Well, I hope you'll join me

next week. I had a dandelion named after her.

When I shall again be... I had a red -hot poker named after me. Until then,

night.

racking on feats of strength.

Give me a little beauty queen to help me out. Here she is now.

Oh, yes, you pretty little thing. Pretty little thing.

You notice she has to have a chaperone, folks.

That's on account I'm such a wolf.

Thank you, Miss Chaperone.

Well, round about now.

When I'm here, I'm going to shock you and get mud.

Are you the beauty queen?

Yes, it's me.

I can't, sir, John. John, I can't lift her.

Well, you know, that might trouble.

We might have to ask her.

I mean, that wouldn't make up for three weeks.

Why wasn't I invited to Susan's party?

Perhaps they thought you wouldn't enjoy it, darling.

We'll be playing postman's knock and having jelly and custard.

But will they be having hill spaghetti?

We'll have our own little party, love.

And we'll do you and I and us.

What's that in the road?

A head?

Hold it.

I'm sorry, hold, hold it a second. No, dear, no.

What's that in the road a head?

Not what's that in the road a head.

It's only a bicycle.

Open the gate, she'll be up in a minute.

Oh, go in the garage.

Right about now, Miss Jenny's going to show you an exhibition of female

sharpshooting. How about that, huh?

Miss Jenny.

I'm sorry, John. Could somebody do something about that pen?

Ooh,

what's this thing called, love?

Whip it right... The old pipe, um, out there, and whip it right out.

Stand by, baby.

You don't have to be crazy in this daredevil act, but by golly, it sure do

What the bloody hell are you doing?

She shouldn't have been there.

How's that boyfriend of yours, dear?

He's all right, Mum.

You all right, love?

Yes, of course I'm all right, Mum.

Bring them back with Benvril.

He's got big ears anyway.

Don't you worry about it. You just drink up your Benvril.

Hold it!

I told you. We should have booked that, didn't we?

I didn't mean to reply.

I didn't mean to reply like this before.

Now, folks, round about here, young Miss Jenny, she's going to give you an

exhibition of that. Oh, daredevil!

Just a minute, sir.

Will you open it, please?

I'm so sorry.

Nice, broad radio.

With big blisters.

Porto -embrication?

Pardon? Porto -embrication?

No, no, however. Have a nice wine, have a shaving erosion, no half -porto

-embrication. No, however.

You've just arrived, sir? I got a fright.

How did you get a fright? With a fright ticket.

A flight?

Yes.

It was a miracle.

What was a miracle?

We take off. It was a miracle.

You took off from a miracle?

The United States have a miracle.

America. Yes.

Bloody trick.

Are you staying here, sir, or going on overseas?

I have a right.

Yes, you have a right to go on overseas, but I have a right to ask where.

I have a right.

You have a right? No, you have a right. I have a right.

Oh, I love white. Yeah.

Stupid idiot.

I'd hardly call that overseas. You try walking now.

Can you see this?

Yes.

Can you read it? No.

Why not?

Wrong way up.

You're Chinese.

Oh, brother.

Mother of mine!

Did you understand it? Did you understand me?

Hardly the point.

Is this all you have? Yes, sure.

Also, I have here something to show you.

That egg.

One hundred year old egg.

One hundred year old. One hundred year.

You don't seem to have much.

No, I have my beliefs.

Your beliefs? Ah, yes. Butter. No, no butter, no sugar, no tea, no.

Just have my beliefs. Always have my beliefs.

I'm sorry to leave it in such disarray. Oh, disarray, that array. Who cares?

How did you owe that, Ed? Oh, dear.

And you.

Hey,

immigration.

I'll be ready with a very soon moment.

Hey, you've been out in the sun, cookie boy.

No, you have been telling my colleague that you are going to the Isle of Wight.

For what purpose?

Bleeding cows.

That is where. I wish to know why. That is, that is why.

I'm going there bleeding cows.

I bleed cow.

Rook.

Rook.

I can't go to Liggett.

I can't go to Lill.

Lill. Liggett, Harrogate.

Liggett and Harrogate. Why you look paint everything?

He's angrier. Oh, why is he angrier?

Because he live in East Anglia.

Oh, East Anglia. Oh, yes.

It's which town?

Yes. Yes, what?

I go, you see, my work, you see, my work, I have to find a farm that's

Oh, your work is pharmaceutical, yes.

No, a farm that's suitable. Why you don't listen?

You no got crop ears.

Ross, you rug hoes out.

Look, I get to a farm.

I take the bull to the cow so that the bull can make rug to the cow.

Oh, but surely that is a job for the farmer. It has to be a bull.

a mummy.

So I wait.

I wait.

Forever?

No, forever. Only for a few months.

And then, a little tiny baby boy, and another little baby boy, and another

little baby boy, and all the little baby boys, all grow up.

And then when they have all their... Then I charter a ship.

Oh, you charter a ship? That's what I said. Why, you know, listen.

Right. And then when I got a chip, when I got all that, I sent to Hong Kong

a lot of bull.

No, you don't. Oh, yes, I do.

No, it's a load of bull.

Good night, my friends.

Time to call it a day.

Time to blow out the candle.

Or as my friend Shirley Bassey would say,

She sounds like Dorothy Squires.

I did it my way.

Moses said to Isaiah, life isn't all milk and all honey.

He said, Isaiah, come forth.

And Isaiah came fifth.

And they went and they cut off his money.

It's all Greek to me, you know.

Hello, everyone.

Here is a little song about a girl who is going to see her lover by the

eucalyptus tree.

And as she walks there, she sees a boy.

And he says, your lips are like red wine, and I should like to sip them.

And she says, you cannot, because I'm going to meet my lover by the eucalyptus

tree. And a little further on, she meets another boy. And he says, your eyes are

like pools of clear crystal water. I should like to bathe in them. And she

you cannot, because I'm going to see my lover by the eucalyptus tree.

And a little further on, she meets another boy. And he says, your hair is

corn waving in the breeze.

I should like to run barefoot through it.

And she says, you cannot, because I'm going to see my lover by the eucalyptus

tree. And she gets to the eucalyptus tree, and her lover doesn't come.

Exacto.

I exacto.

I'm an exo. Mini, mini, I bet you exacto.

Now, here is a little song.

January the 3rd.

January the 2nd. January the 3rd.

January... You'd rather have Moira who?

Sure, Dovebody.

Meet Dovebody. Coming through the door. If you dare to touch my body, I will

black your eye.

How are you back to Bonnie, Scotland?

Sit my horlicks. Listen to the Beverly Sisters on the

radio.