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1
00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:10,590
(straining):
Okay. Here you go.
2
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,100
Okay. Here you go.
3
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:20,100
Oh, I need you
4
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,110
to carry them
out to the plane.
5
00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:23,110
Oh, sorry.
6
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:25,610
That's
the baggage-handler's job.
7
00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:28,110
Now...
8
00:00:28,110 --> 00:00:30,110
here you go.
9
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,620
A quarter.
10
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,620
25 lousy cents.
11
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,130
When did people get so cheap?
12
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:44,630
Well, Antonio,
if you want bigger tips,
13
00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:46,130
you're just going
to have to earn them
14
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:47,630
the old-fashioned way.
15
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,130
You've got to roll up
your sleeves, dig in your heels
16
00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:52,640
and suck up until
you're blue in your face.
17
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,140
Oh, good afternoon,
18
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:58,140
and welcome to Sandpiper.
19
00:00:58,140 --> 00:00:59,640
Have a nice flight,
20
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:02,650
Mister... Patterson.
21
00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:06,150
It's been a pleasure
serving you.
22
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,650
(groans)
23
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,150
I think I get it.
24
00:01:09,650 --> 00:01:11,150
Maybe I try that.
25
00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:13,660
I can't do worse
than a stinking quarter.
26
00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:16,660
I should have thrown it
right back in his face.
27
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,660
Oh, my God,
where'd it go?
Where'd it go?
28
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,660
Hey, get away
from my quarter.
29
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,170
(phone ringing)
30
00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:31,170
Sandpiper.
31
00:01:31,670 --> 00:01:35,180
(coughing)
32
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:36,680
It's for you.
33
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,690
I'll have to call you back.
34
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,190
Brian, what's wrong with you?
35
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:47,190
(groans)
36
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:48,190
Man, it started
37
00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:51,190
with a little tickle
in my throat,
38
00:01:51,190 --> 00:01:53,700
and then my ears plugged up,
39
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:55,700
my nose started running,
40
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:57,200
I got the gland thing happening,
41
00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,200
and then... and then...
42
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,710
(sneezes)
43
00:02:01,700 --> 00:02:03,710
(groans)
44
00:02:03,710 --> 00:02:06,710
Damn it, Brian,
I just got this Cosmo...
45
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:09,210
for Helen.
46
00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:11,720
Why don't you-Why don't you
just go home?
47
00:02:11,710 --> 00:02:13,720
Are you sure?
48
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,720
Yes. Just go. Go.
49
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,720
(muttering)
Go, go, go.
50
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,730
(groaning)
51
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,230
Helen,
52
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:26,230
could I please have a cup of
hot tea to go, please?
Sure.
53
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:29,230
Hey, Helen, I have to ask
your opinion on something.
54
00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:31,230
I have got a big date
on Saturday night.
55
00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:33,240
What do you think
of my new dress?
56
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,240
BRIAN:
Oh, that's really...
57
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:35,740
(sneezes)
58
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:40,740
Oh, gross!
59
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:43,750
Now I can't take it back
after I wear it.
60
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:47,250
What is the matter with you?
61
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,250
Now, be nice, Casey.
Can't you see he's sick?
62
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,750
Here's your tea, baby.
63
00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:51,750
Thank you, Helen.
64
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:55,260
People are so sweet to
you when you're sick.
65
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,760
Some people.
66
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:01,770
So...? A date?
67
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:02,770
Yeah.
68
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:04,270
Who is he?
69
00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:05,770
His name is Jack Gordon
70
00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,270
and he's from Nashville.
71
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,770
He's a buyer
at my department store.
72
00:03:09,770 --> 00:03:11,770
He's tall, he's handsome,
73
00:03:11,770 --> 00:03:14,280
and I cannot believe
that he asked me out.
74
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,280
Casey, don't be so surprised.
75
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,780
A lot of guys
want to ask you out.
76
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,780
Really? Who?
77
00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:22,790
How about Saul from the park?
78
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:25,790
Who's a hundred.
79
00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:27,290
Oh, and don't forget
80
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,790
Stinky Timmy
from the gas station.
81
00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:31,790
He's always had his eye on you.
82
00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:35,300
Yeah, well,
he's only got the one.
83
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,800
Like I said, I can't believe
Jack asked me out.
84
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,310
Hey, hey, Chappel.
Yeah.
85
00:03:42,310 --> 00:03:43,810
If you were having people
over for dinner
86
00:03:43,810 --> 00:03:47,310
and making chicken, what kind
of wine would you serve?
87
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:49,310
Oh, probably a dry Chardonnay.
88
00:03:49,310 --> 00:03:50,810
Dry Chardonnay. Great.
89
00:03:50,810 --> 00:03:52,320
Bring a couple of bottles
of that
90
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,320
when you and Joe come over
for dinner on Saturday night.
91
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,320
Wh-wh-wh-whoa-whoa.
92
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,820
First of all, if I was
coming over to your house,
93
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,320
I'd need a lot more than wine.
94
00:04:02,830 --> 00:04:05,330
And second of all,
there's no way in hell
95
00:04:05,330 --> 00:04:08,830
that Joe and I are ever coming
over to your house for dinner,
96
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:10,830
but thank you for asking.
97
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:16,840
Not even if this was a matter
of life and death for me?
98
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,340
I'm afraid not.
99
00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:21,340
Okay, Chappel, look--
hear me out.
100
00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:22,850
You know that woman, Pauline,
101
00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:25,350
that I've been dating
for the last month?
102
00:04:25,350 --> 00:04:26,350
Mm-hmm.
103
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:27,850
Well, on Saturday night,
104
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,350
I'm going to have Mom
over for dinner
105
00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:32,860
and I am finally going
to introduce her to Pauline.
106
00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:35,360
You mean she's real?
107
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,360
Pauline?
Of course she's real.
108
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,870
Well, I thought she was like,
you know, Ramona.
109
00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:48,870
Hey, Ramona was just
a transitional thing.
110
00:04:48,870 --> 00:04:50,870
Besides, she popped.
111
00:04:50,870 --> 00:04:52,880
Okay... if I needed
another reason
112
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,880
for not coming over
to your house
113
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:55,880
that would be it.
114
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,380
Come on, look, Chappel,
look, I need a buffer.
115
00:04:58,380 --> 00:05:01,890
Mom can be, well, a little
critical (nervous laugh),
116
00:05:02,390 --> 00:05:06,390
and it would really sort of
take the pressure off... Pauline
117
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,390
if I had some friends there.
118
00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:11,900
Oh. Well... I see what you mean.
119
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:17,400
I got to stick with no.
120
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,900
I understand. I do.
121
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:24,410
A few hours of your time
is just too much to spare,
122
00:05:24,410 --> 00:05:28,910
even if it would make
a poor old woman happy.
123
00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:33,920
(voice breaking):
In the scant time
that she has left.
124
00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:42,930
Okay, damn it, we'll come!
125
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:46,930
Don't forget that Chardonnay,
and pick up a red, too.
126
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:50,430
Okay. Here you are,
Mr. Albright.
127
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:52,440
Oh, oh... Tom.
128
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,440
Now, you have
a wonderful flight
129
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,940
and give my love
to Griff and Mitzi, okay?
130
00:05:56,940 --> 00:06:00,440
Oh, for me? Ten bucks.
131
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:01,950
Oh... I should be paying you
132
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:04,450
just for the pleasure
of your company.
133
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:09,950
Chump.
134
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:16,960
Joe?
135
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Honey?
(door closes)
136
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,460
We have to talk.
137
00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:22,470
I've done something
138
00:06:22,970 --> 00:06:24,470
and I'm not
very proud of it.
139
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:25,970
What is it?
140
00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:27,970
Oh, G...
141
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:30,470
This is so hard for me
to say, Joe.
142
00:06:30,470 --> 00:06:32,480
First of all, I'm sorry.
143
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,480
I never meant
for this to happen.
144
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,480
Please, will you just say it?
145
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,980
Joe...
146
00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:42,990
Roy invited us over
for dinner Saturday night,
147
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:44,490
and I said yes.
148
00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:46,990
(groans)
149
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,990
Oh, my God.
150
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:53,000
I thought it was another man.
151
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,500
Oh, damn. Why couldn't it
have been another man?
152
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,000
What were you thinking, Helen?
153
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:02,010
It's a real important
night for him.
154
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,010
He's going to introduce
his mom to Pauline.
155
00:07:05,010 --> 00:07:08,010
His girlfriend?
You mean, she's real?
156
00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:12,020
Apparently he and Ramona
had a big blowup.
157
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,520
Anyway... listen,
we won't stay long.
158
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,020
We'll just go in
and we'll eat and we'll get out.
159
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:22,020
What makes you think
we can get out?
160
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:25,530
What makes you think
anyone gets out?
161
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:27,030
It's not as bad
as we think it's going to be.
162
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:29,530
Besides, we've had Roy
over to our house before.
163
00:07:29,530 --> 00:07:31,030
Yeah, but that's different.
164
00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:32,540
It was a controlled
environment.
(knocking on glass)
165
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,540
Hey, guys, I just
talked to Mom
166
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,040
about Saturday night.
167
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,040
She is so excited, she's
going to wear her good hair.
168
00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:52,560
(doorbell rings)
169
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,060
Hey, hey, guys.
170
00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,560
Come on in.
171
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,570
Well, are you coming in or not?
172
00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:07,070
We're thinking.
173
00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:11,570
Wow...
174
00:08:11,570 --> 00:08:13,580
This place is...
175
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,580
so...
176
00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:17,080
you.
177
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,080
Thanks.
178
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,080
I know some people like to use
a decorator, but not me.
179
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,090
I like to pick up pieces
that speak to me.
180
00:08:24,090 --> 00:08:27,090
What the hell
did that thing say?
181
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,590
It said, "I'm big enough
to hide that stain on the wall."
182
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:32,600
So, let's get this
party started.
183
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,100
Have one.
184
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:36,100
One what?
185
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,100
Is this some
sort of meat?
186
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,600
You're warm.
(phone ringing)
187
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:41,600
Okay, guys, uh...
188
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,610
make yourselves
comfortable.
189
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,110
Hello?
190
00:08:45,110 --> 00:08:47,110
Ah, hi, Pauline.
Hold on.
191
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,110
Not there!
192
00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:52,620
That's Mom's special chair.
193
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:54,120
But she's not here yet.
194
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,120
How would she...?
Oh...
195
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:58,620
she'll know.
196
00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:00,620
Excuse me, I'm going to have
to take this in the other room.
197
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:01,620
Hi. Yeah.
198
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,630
Great. Pauline
hasn't even left yet.
199
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,130
We're going
to be here all night.
200
00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:06,630
Let's the
best of this.
201
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:07,630
(screams)
202
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,130
What is that?
I don't know.
203
00:09:09,130 --> 00:09:10,630
It looks like what's
on the hors d'oeuvre tray,
204
00:09:10,630 --> 00:09:14,140
only with legs.
205
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,140
Oh, my God!
206
00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:21,640
It can't be killed.
207
00:09:25,650 --> 00:09:27,650
What's...
What's the matter, Roy?
208
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,150
Pauline isn't going
to be much longer, is she?
209
00:09:30,150 --> 00:09:32,150
Pauline's
not coming.
210
00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:34,160
She just broke
up with me.
211
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,660
Aw. Aw, we're sorry, Roy.
212
00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:36,660
That's too bad.
213
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:37,660
You probably
want to be alone.
214
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:38,660
Come on, Helen.
215
00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:42,670
Joe, we can't just
leave him here.
216
00:09:42,670 --> 00:09:44,670
Look at him.
He's upset.
217
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,670
Look, we'll just
stay five minutes.
218
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,670
Try to make him
feel better.
219
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,170
Will that kill you?
220
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:50,170
No, but that might!
221
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,180
GIRL (on TV):
I finished my chores, Pa.
222
00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,180
Can I go to the church fair?
223
00:10:00,180 --> 00:10:02,180
Mr. Oleson's giving out apples.
224
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:04,190
MAN:
You run along, half pint,
but don't fill up.
225
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:07,190
Ma's making bean soup
for dinner.
226
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,190
Hey, I was
taping that!
227
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:12,700
(sneezes)
228
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:16,200
God, would you look
at this place?!
229
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,200
My date is picking me up
any minute.
230
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,700
I wanted everything
to be perfect.
231
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:28,710
Would you
help me clean up?
232
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:31,210
Oh, good one, Casey.
Yeah, good one.
233
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:34,720
Yeah, yeah, you worry about a
couple of tissues on the floor
234
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,720
instead of that
freshly embalmed look
235
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,220
you got going.
236
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,720
Hey...
237
00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:42,730
I look great.
238
00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:45,230
And you know what else?
239
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:46,730
I feel great, too.
240
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,240
Why, tonight's going
to be just magical.
241
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:02,240
Anything you say, Baby Jane.
242
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,250
What... What
have you got on
243
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:05,750
under that dress?
244
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,250
What, are you
smuggling tires?
245
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,250
No.
246
00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:12,250
Does it look bad?
247
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:13,760
They're thermals.
248
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,260
No, no...
249
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,760
Not at all.
250
00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:26,770
Listen, why don't you
just admit that you're sick
251
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,270
and go to bed?
252
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,770
Because I am not sick!
253
00:11:29,770 --> 00:11:31,770
Sickness is all in your head.
254
00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:33,780
You just...
you can't give in to it.
255
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,780
You know what your problem is?
256
00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:37,280
You're weak.
257
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,780
(doorbell rings)
258
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,280
It's Jack!
259
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,780
(sniffling):
Coming!
260
00:11:44,290 --> 00:11:46,790
God, it's like
an oven in here!
261
00:11:49,290 --> 00:11:51,290
(moans)
262
00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:52,800
Hey...
263
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,800
looking good.
264
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,800
Brian, you keep your mouth shut.
265
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,310
You do not ruin this for me.
266
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:11,810
Hi, Casey.
267
00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:13,320
Hi.
268
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:17,820
(coughing)
269
00:12:19,820 --> 00:12:23,330
(coughing harder)
270
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:25,830
Just had a little
tickle in my throat.
271
00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:28,330
Are you okay?
272
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,330
Oh, never better.
273
00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:31,830
Are you sure?
274
00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:33,340
Oh, absolutely.
275
00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:34,840
Completely sure.
276
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:43,850
4:58, 4:59,
five minutes.
277
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,350
Okay, come on, Helen, let's go.
278
00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:47,350
Joe...
279
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:50,350
will you have
some feelings, please?
280
00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:52,350
Roy, I'm so sorry.
281
00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:54,860
I know how much
you liked her.
282
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:57,360
I don't think
you deserved this at all.
283
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,860
Okay, Joe, I'm ready.
284
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:01,860
Ehh, you guys
might as well go.
285
00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:03,870
Mom's going to be here
any minute.
286
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,870
She already thinks I'm a loser.
287
00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:09,370
I'll just tell her I got dumped
and that'll confirm it.
288
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:12,370
Sounds like a plan.
Night-night.
289
00:13:12,370 --> 00:13:13,380
Unless...
290
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,380
I-I don't have to tell Mom
the truth.
291
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,380
Oh, my God,
it won't open.
292
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:19,880
We can't get out.
293
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:20,880
What do you mean?
294
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,390
We got to get out.
295
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:25,390
I don't have to tell Mom
that I got dumped.
296
00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:26,890
Open it, open it,
open it, open it.
297
00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,390
I can't open it.
He's locked us in.
298
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:33,400
Hey, guys, there is something
I could use you for.
299
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,900
Oh, my God, he's
going to cut us up
300
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:38,400
and turn us into
hors d'oeuvres.
301
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:43,410
Chappel, I want you to pretend
to be my girlfriend.
302
00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:47,410
Well, spread me on a cracker
and put me on a tray
303
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:50,910
'cause there's no way
I'm doing that!
304
00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:53,420
I know, I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm desperate.
305
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:54,920
Mom has been looking forward
306
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,920
to this meeting
with Pauline for weeks
307
00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,420
and she does not handle
disappointment well.
308
00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:01,420
What's the point?
Your mom's going to find out
309
00:14:01,420 --> 00:14:02,930
Pauline dumped you
eventually.
310
00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:04,430
No, no, no, she won't.
311
00:14:04,430 --> 00:14:06,430
Before the evening is over,
I'll dump Helen.
312
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,930
Oh, this just gets
worse and worse.
313
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:09,930
Please...
314
00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,430
please... please!
315
00:14:11,430 --> 00:14:14,440
Look, it'll be over
by 10:00 p.m. sharp. I promise.
316
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,940
I am begging you.
317
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:19,440
Mom's heart-- it can't take
this kind of news.
318
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,440
It will kill her.
319
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,450
She's so delicate and frail.
320
00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:24,950
(banging on door)
321
00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:25,950
MOM:
Open up, Roy!
322
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:27,950
I got to use the can!
323
00:14:30,450 --> 00:14:32,450
She's here.
324
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:34,960
Mom, it's stuck again.
325
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,460
Now it's unstuck.
326
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,460
Hi, Mommy.
327
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:40,460
Shut up.
328
00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:41,960
Who are you?
329
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,470
She's
uh, uh...
330
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:45,970
I'm Pauline, Roy's girlfriend.
331
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:47,470
Well, get out of my way.
332
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:50,470
I got a bladder the
size of a shot glass.
333
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,480
Oh, this is
your woman, huh?
334
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,990
(screams)
Hey!
335
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:05,990
Dainty little miss, ain't she?
336
00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:07,990
You know what, Roy,
I don't think that...
337
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:11,490
And you must be my entertainment
for the evening.
338
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,500
Well, I guess I've done worse.
339
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:22,000
Oh, my God, no.
340
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,010
I'm...
341
00:15:23,010 --> 00:15:25,010
The houseboy, Ar-Arturo.
342
00:15:25,010 --> 00:15:26,510
Arturo the houseboy.
343
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,010
Arturo, we need drinks.
344
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,010
Houseboy?!
345
00:15:29,010 --> 00:15:32,010
You'd rather be
her entertainment?
346
00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:35,020
And what will
the lady be having?
347
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:38,020
Bourbon, neat,
and leave the bottle.
348
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,520
And me and my baby here
will have some wine.
349
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,020
And leave the bottle.
350
00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:46,030
So, Mrs. Biggins...
351
00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:47,530
(clears throat)
352
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:50,530
It's just so nice
to finally meet you.
353
00:15:50,530 --> 00:15:52,530
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
everything's beautiful.
354
00:15:52,530 --> 00:15:53,540
How'd you meet my son?
355
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,540
Oh, yeah, well...
356
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:58,540
oh, gosh, we were...
357
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:02,540
we were at the same
place at the same time.
358
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:05,050
Oh, gosh, well, Roy, you
tell it so much better.
359
00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:06,050
Go ahead.
360
00:16:06,050 --> 00:16:07,550
She was stripping
over at The Fancy Lady.
361
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:12,050
She gave me a lap dance
for my birthday.
362
00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:15,560
Well, in your line of work,
I guess you meet a lot of men.
363
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,560
What made him stand out?
364
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:22,570
Well, um...
365
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:26,070
he was there, and, uh...
366
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:29,570
he had a lap, and...
367
00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:34,580
I'm sorry it took
so long, Mr. Roy.
368
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:39,080
So, uh, if there's nothing else,
I guess I will be going.
369
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,580
Oh, no, you don't, Hazel.
370
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:42,080
You're staying right here.
371
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,090
Listen, as long as you're
going to be sticking around,
372
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:45,590
I could use
a scalp massage.
373
00:16:45,590 --> 00:16:47,090
Roy, go get him
the gloves.
374
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,600
(blowing nose loudly)
375
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,610
(nasally):
I wonder if Jack
still thinks I'm pretty.
376
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:09,110
Of course, he does, my dear.
377
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:12,110
You got a little fever blister
thing happening right over here.
378
00:17:12,110 --> 00:17:14,620
No!
379
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,120
You did this to me.
380
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:20,120
Yeah, with your sneezing
and your coughing
381
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,630
and your cooties
all over the house.
382
00:17:23,130 --> 00:17:24,630
Know something?
383
00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:29,130
You're starting to disturb
my healing process.
384
00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:34,640
If you're going to camp out
in my sick room,
385
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,640
you're going
to live by my rules:
386
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:40,640
No whining, no moaning,
and most important,
387
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,150
keep away from me
with that lip.
388
00:17:43,150 --> 00:17:45,650
I finally get asked out
by a great guy
389
00:17:45,650 --> 00:17:47,150
and I get sick...
390
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:50,650
God, I'm never going to hear
from him again.
391
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:52,150
It's over.
392
00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:55,160
Stop being so dramatic. Huh?
393
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,660
Jack will call you again
394
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,160
one night
395
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,160
around 2:00 a.m.
396
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,670
when he's good and drunk
and the bars are closed.
397
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:06,170
You watch.
398
00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:07,670
That phone will ring.
399
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,670
Oh, I hope you're right.
400
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,180
Okay, Mrs. Biggins,
401
00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:18,180
I picked all the pineapple
out of your fruit cocktail.
402
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,680
It's just peaches and
pears now, like you said.
403
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,190
If I find one piece
of pineapple in there, boy,
404
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:26,190
it's going to be your ass.
405
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:30,190
Mr. Roy, it's almost 10:00,
406
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:32,190
you know, quitting time.
407
00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:33,700
Uh, Roy, it is kind of
getting late.
408
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:35,200
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
409
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,200
But, look, Arturo,
do you mind...
410
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,200
could you please
just give me
411
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,200
another couple
of minutes?
412
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:40,200
Do you mind?
413
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:41,700
Oh, listen to you.
414
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:42,700
"Please, Arturo."
415
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,710
"Do you mind, Arturo?"
416
00:18:44,710 --> 00:18:45,710
You're such a simp.
417
00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:48,210
Don't you know how
to talk to help?
418
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,210
Here, go clip this
419
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,710
and come back with a lighter
and an ashtray.
420
00:18:51,710 --> 00:18:54,720
And you're not going anyplace
else until I tell you to.
421
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:55,720
You know what?
422
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,220
I've had just about
enough of your venom,
423
00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:01,220
you miserable old gargoyle.
424
00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:04,230
(cackles)
425
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:07,730
I like him.
426
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,230
He's got moxie.
427
00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:11,230
Go fix my cigar.
428
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,240
Yes, ma'am.
429
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,740
Why can't you be
more like him?
430
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,240
Would it kill you to
show a little moxie?
431
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,750
Oh, boy, this has just been
a whole mess of fun.
432
00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,250
Mom, I got moxie.
433
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:26,750
I got a girlfriend,
don't I?
434
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:27,750
Dating at your age?
435
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,250
What the hell is that?
436
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:31,750
I mean, when are you going
to be a man and settle down?
437
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:33,760
You know, Roy,
438
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,260
weren't you going to tell me
something, like, around 10:00?
439
00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:36,260
No, no.
Ticktock, ticktock.
440
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:37,760
Roy, say something.
441
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,260
Okay, okay,
all right, all right.
442
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:41,260
All right, Pauline,
I don't know how to say this
443
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:44,270
but, uh, we've been seeing
each other for about a month now
444
00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:46,770
and we've had
a really wonderful time, huh,
445
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:50,770
but it can't
go on like this.
446
00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:52,770
Will you marry me?
447
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:55,780
What?
448
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:58,780
What the hell is
going on here, Mr. Roy?
449
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,280
You're getting married?
450
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,280
Just like you wanted.
So what do you say, darling?
451
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:03,290
No!
452
00:20:03,290 --> 00:20:04,290
I'm with her.
453
00:20:05,790 --> 00:20:08,290
Okay, okay, then
we'll have a long engagement.
454
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:09,790
Over my dead body.
455
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,790
Isn't that what
we're looking at?
456
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:16,800
Roy, this
bleach-blonde floozy
457
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:18,800
is fine for
shacking up with
458
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,800
but she's not
marriage material.
459
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,300
Excuse me.
460
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:23,810
Bleached blonde?
461
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:26,310
These are highlights.
462
00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:27,810
Okay, look, that's
it, that's enough.
463
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:29,310
I'm going to be driving
the floozy home now.
464
00:20:29,310 --> 00:20:31,310
No, you just hold on, Arty.
465
00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:33,320
I'm not marriage material?
466
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:34,820
Mom, I don't understand.
467
00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,820
You just said that you want me
to settle down again.
468
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:37,820
Yeah, but not with her.
469
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,320
What's wrong with me?
470
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,320
Okay, toots, here it is.
471
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,330
You're just not of our ilk.
472
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:44,830
You might be
good enough
473
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:46,830
for someone like Arturo here,
474
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:48,330
but not my Roy.
475
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:51,330
Hey, what makes you think
she's good enough for me?
476
00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:55,840
Oh, like I can't do better
than a houseboy.
477
00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:00,840
I love you, son,
but it's her or me.
478
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,350
Roy!
479
00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:04,350
You love me?
480
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:07,350
Mom, you haven't said that
for years.
481
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:09,350
Well, I don't like to go around
advertising it.
482
00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:11,850
Oh, Mommy, I...
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
483
00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:12,850
Come on, Pauline, let's
get the hell out of here.
484
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:14,860
No, no! I'm not
going anywhere.
485
00:21:14,860 --> 00:21:16,360
I'm not a floozy.
486
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:17,860
I'm a good girl.
487
00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:20,860
Why don't you like me?
488
00:21:20,860 --> 00:21:22,860
Well, I've had enough
for one night.
489
00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:24,870
Why don't you take me
back to the home?
490
00:21:25,370 --> 00:21:27,370
Oh, Mom, why don't you
hang out for a while, huh?
491
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:28,870
Just you and me.
492
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,370
No sappy talk?
493
00:21:30,370 --> 00:21:31,370
I can change.
494
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:32,370
Just give me another chance.
495
00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:33,880
I love your son.
496
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,880
(door closes)
497
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,380
(romantic music swelling on TV)
498
00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:46,390
(coughing)
499
00:21:46,390 --> 00:21:49,890
(coughing)
500
00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:52,890
(both cough)
501
00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:55,400
(romantic music continues)
33973
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