Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:08,090
Oh, move over, baby.
2
00:00:08,090 --> 00:00:09,590
I just got the new
issue of People.
3
00:00:09,590 --> 00:00:12,600
This laptop
is incredible.
4
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,100
Oh, look.
5
00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:16,100
The Who is getting
back together again.
6
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,600
Wow.
7
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,100
Pete Townshend's
starting to look
like my Grandpa Earl.
8
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:23,110
Oh, I just love this.
9
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:26,610
Between the spreadsheets,
the Internet and e-mail,
10
00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:30,110
this is going to be a really
valuable business tool.
11
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:31,620
Yes! Cool!
12
00:00:31,610 --> 00:00:34,120
Look. I made
the alien's head explode.
13
00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:36,120
Oh, die, you freak.
14
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,620
Hey, uh, honey?
15
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:39,620
Hmm?
16
00:00:39,620 --> 00:00:42,630
Tonight, didn't we say
we were going to...
17
00:00:42,630 --> 00:00:44,130
Oh, yeah. We
were going to.
18
00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:45,630
You still want to?
19
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,130
Sure. Do you?
20
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,630
You know me--
I'm always in the mood.
21
00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:50,630
Yes!
22
00:00:50,630 --> 00:00:53,140
Oh! Phew!
Made it to the labyrinth.
23
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,640
Sharon Stone
is so pretty.
24
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,140
Why can't she
hold on to a man?
25
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,640
Hey, you know what?
Hmm?
26
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,140
No law says we can't
do it in the morning.
27
00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:01,650
Yeah. I love the morning.
28
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:02,650
I'm a morning person.
29
00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:04,150
Anyway, I'm getting tired.
30
00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:05,650
Yeah. Me too.
31
00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:07,650
I found the key
to six more levels.
32
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,150
Whoo, bad face-lift.
33
00:01:09,150 --> 00:01:11,150
You look like a Munster.
34
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,660
Mm...
35
00:01:19,660 --> 00:01:21,160
great morning, huh?
36
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,670
I love waking up that way.
37
00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:24,670
Oh, it was like our
two bodies were one.
38
00:01:24,670 --> 00:01:26,170
We both reached
for that remote
39
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:29,170
at the exact same time.
40
00:01:29,170 --> 00:01:30,670
Wasn't that
a fantastic Today show?
41
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:33,180
Too bad we didn't have
time to, uh...
42
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,180
but tonight...
43
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,180
I'll be there, baby.
44
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:37,180
Be where?
45
00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,180
Oh, nowhere.
46
00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:40,180
We're just making
plans for tonight.
47
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:41,180
Oh, well,
48
00:01:41,180 --> 00:01:42,190
I'm free.
49
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:44,190
How 'bout we
make it a threesome?
50
00:01:44,190 --> 00:01:46,690
No. We can't.
51
00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:50,190
Right, Helen?
52
00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:51,700
Fine. Be that way.
53
00:01:51,690 --> 00:01:53,200
I'll just go ask
Antonio and Brian
54
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,200
what they're doing tonight.
55
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,200
Bet they'd be happy
to make it a threesome.
56
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,200
(chuckles)
You have no idea.
57
00:02:02,210 --> 00:02:03,710
Fay...
58
00:02:03,710 --> 00:02:06,210
Fay, do you have
any masking tape?
59
00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:11,210
What is that?
60
00:02:11,210 --> 00:02:12,720
Some new thing
61
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,720
the kids are doing?
62
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,720
'Cause, let me tell
you something.
63
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,720
A man well into his 30s
can't pull it off.
64
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,730
Yeah. That's, uh...
that's very hurtful, Fay.
65
00:02:22,730 --> 00:02:23,730
It's very hurtful.
66
00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:24,730
Did I make fun of you
67
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:28,230
when you were
doing cornrows?
68
00:02:28,230 --> 00:02:30,230
Anyway, that's not
what this is about.
69
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:32,240
My shoe's falling apart,
and I don't have the time
to get it fixed.
70
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,240
Okay?
71
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,740
What's wrong
with your hair?
72
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:36,740
What?
73
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:38,240
Oh, um...
74
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,240
I didn't have a chance
to pick up shampoo
75
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,750
so I used
dishwashing liquid.
76
00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:45,250
Can you see yourself?
77
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:48,750
Yes. I see myself stuck
in this dead-end job
78
00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:50,750
for another 30 years.
79
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:53,760
Hey, Brian?
80
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,260
Hello. Hello.
81
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,260
No...! ( groaning )
82
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:58,760
My watch stopped.
83
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,760
What is your problem?
84
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,270
The problem is that I
just don't have any time
85
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:05,270
to get anything fixed.
86
00:03:05,270 --> 00:03:06,770
You know what I need?
87
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,770
I need someone
to run all my errands
88
00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:10,270
to clean me, to feed me,
to do all the grunt work
89
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:15,780
you know, like a...
like a... like a wife.
90
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:17,780
No. That's not a wife.
91
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,280
That's a slave.
92
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,790
Not if I pay her.
93
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,790
How much are we talking?
94
00:03:23,790 --> 00:03:27,290
Hey... hey,
this is my wife.
95
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,290
Minimum wage plus mileage.
96
00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:32,800
Okay. You just bought
yourself a wife.
97
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,300
Great. You made me
the happiest man alive.
98
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:35,300
All right, now look,
99
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:36,800
here's a few things I need
from the drugstore.
100
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,300
After that, please
swing by the cleaners,
101
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:40,800
the tailor, the post office, oh,
and the watch repair.
102
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,810
And then come back here
in an hour.
103
00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:44,810
I have a bandage
that needs to be changed.
104
00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:47,310
Oh... perks.
105
00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:50,310
Ooh. Oh, oh, oh, look.
106
00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:51,310
Isn't that
107
00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:53,820
that talk-show host,
Mary Pat Lee?
108
00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:55,820
BRIAN:
God. Ugh. I hate that woman.
109
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:57,320
She once lured me
onto her show
110
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,320
just so
my ex-girlfriend Alex
111
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,820
could take revenge on me
for breaking up with her.
112
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,830
Oh, no. She doesn't
do mean stuff
like that anymore.
113
00:04:03,830 --> 00:04:06,330
In fact, just the other day
she devoted a whole show
114
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:09,330
to people who look
like their pets.
115
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:12,340
I was a hair away
from sending in
116
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:15,340
a picture of me
with my cockatiel.
117
00:04:15,340 --> 00:04:16,840
Here. Look.
118
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,340
Uh, what do you think?
119
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:25,850
I think you should keep
that in your pocket.
120
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:28,350
Anyway, women
may like Mary Pat Lee
121
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:32,360
but no self-respecting male
would ever want to watch
122
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,360
a dragon lady like that.
123
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,860
( gasping )
124
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,860
Is that Mary Pat Lee?
125
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:42,870
Pinch me.
I'm dreaming.
126
00:04:42,870 --> 00:04:44,370
Hello.
127
00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:47,370
I'm Antonio, and I'm
your biggest fan.
128
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,870
That's so sweet. Most
of my following is women.
129
00:04:49,870 --> 00:04:51,870
It's so nice to meet
a male fan for a change.
130
00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:54,880
I don't know why
more men don't watch
131
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,380
'cause your topics
are so universal.
132
00:04:57,380 --> 00:05:01,380
Like, "a sisterly
bond," and, uh...
133
00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:03,890
"working mother make-overs."
134
00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:07,390
My favorite--
135
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,390
"a master plan
to land that man."
136
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:12,900
That was my favorite too.
137
00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,900
( both laughing )
138
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,900
So, girlfriend,
what, uh...
139
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,400
what... what brings
you to Nantucket?
140
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,410
Well, Antonio, just
between us, I have a date.
141
00:05:24,410 --> 00:05:25,910
No. Really?
142
00:05:25,910 --> 00:05:28,910
Oh! Well, whoever
that lucky man is
143
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,910
if he's dating you,
he must be--
144
00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:33,420
there's no other word
for it-- a god.
145
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,420
Hi, doll.
146
00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:41,930
Hi, baby.
147
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,430
( both laughing )
148
00:05:44,430 --> 00:05:45,930
Shall we?
149
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:47,430
I just got to make one
quick call to my producer.
150
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,930
Oh, sure. Use the phone
in my office.
151
00:05:50,930 --> 00:05:53,440
What are you looking at,
Scarpacci?
152
00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,440
You.
153
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,440
Her.
154
00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,940
How?
155
00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:00,940
Well, we met
156
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:04,450
at a Foodaholics meeting
a few weeks ago.
157
00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:07,950
Afterward, I took her out
for hot fudge sundae.
158
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:10,450
We've been dating ever since.
159
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:13,460
Sh-She's Mary Pat Lee...
160
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:14,460
Yeah.
161
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:15,460
And you're...
162
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,460
( stammering )
163
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:17,460
...Roy.
164
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,960
Oh, by the way,
keep this to yourself.
165
00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:23,970
She is not ready
to go public yet.
166
00:06:23,970 --> 00:06:25,470
Who can blame her?
167
00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:26,970
She's Mary Pat Lee.
168
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,970
You're...
169
00:06:28,970 --> 00:06:30,470
I heard you the first time.
170
00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:37,980
So... oh, hey, Roy...
171
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,980
you and Mary Pat Lee, huh?
172
00:06:40,980 --> 00:06:42,990
How did you hear?
173
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:44,990
Oh, I picked up
Antonio yesterday.
174
00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:47,490
He was walking down
the highway dazed,
mumbling...
175
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,990
( imitating Antonio ):
"But she's Mary Pat Lee,
and he's... "
176
00:06:50,990 --> 00:06:52,500
( stammering )
177
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:54,500
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
178
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,500
Anyway, look, I was
kind of wondering, Hackett,
179
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:02,510
if we could have a talk,
kind of man to man.
180
00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:03,510
No, no, Roy. No.
181
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,010
The last time we talked
182
00:07:05,010 --> 00:07:07,010
it took me group therapy
and hypnosis tapes
183
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,510
to get over my night sweats.
184
00:07:09,010 --> 00:07:11,510
Come on, Hackett,
come on, please.
185
00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,520
Come on, I really
need to talk.
186
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,020
Okay, Roy, but I'm going
to have to lay down
187
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:17,520
a few ground rules.
188
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,020
No visual aids,
no graphic details
189
00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:24,030
and you may not use me
in any dramatic re-enactments.
190
00:07:24,030 --> 00:07:26,530
Okay, we'll play by your rules.
191
00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:28,530
Okay. All right.
192
00:07:28,530 --> 00:07:34,040
Look, uh, I've never met a woman
like Mary Pat Lee before.
193
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:38,040
She is smart, oh, and funny,
and she has never once said
194
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,040
"Put your hand there again
and you'll lose it."
195
00:07:43,050 --> 00:07:47,050
I love how she thinks if she
eats an Almond Joy real slowly
196
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,050
it'll have less calories.
197
00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:51,050
I do that too.
198
00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:53,560
So, what...
what's the problem?
199
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,060
You see, we've been seeing
each other for a while now
200
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:59,060
and she still wants to keep
our relationship a secret.
201
00:07:59,060 --> 00:08:01,060
I'm beginning to think
that either...
202
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:03,070
either she's
not serious about me--
203
00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:05,570
like I'm just
her little stud puppet...
204
00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:07,070
Rules, rules, rules.
205
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:11,070
Or... or she's
a little ashamed of me.
206
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:13,580
But that's just crazy,
isn't it?
207
00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:16,580
Isn't it?
208
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:17,580
Isn't it?!
209
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,080
Sure. Crazy.
210
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,080
Well, of course you'd say that--
you're my best friend.
211
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,090
Rules, rules, rules.
212
00:08:23,090 --> 00:08:25,590
It's just that, Hackett,
I really like her
213
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:28,590
and I need to know if she
feels the same way about me.
214
00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:30,590
Well, look, Roy, just
give her a little time.
215
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:32,100
If she really cares about you
216
00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:34,100
she'll find a way
to let you know.
217
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:36,100
Quick, turn on Mary Pat Lee.
218
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,600
She's doing a show on
the myths of P.M.S.
219
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:46,110
Ladies, when you go
from bright and bubbly
220
00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:47,610
to bummed and bitchy
221
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:51,110
does your man blame it
on that time of the month?
222
00:08:51,110 --> 00:08:55,120
Today, we massacre
the myth of P.M.S.
223
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,120
Finally.
224
00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,620
But, before we begin
225
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:03,130
I have a confession to make.
226
00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:04,630
( gasping )
227
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,130
I finally admitted
228
00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:09,130
that I'm powerless over food
and I've joined Foodaholics.
229
00:09:09,130 --> 00:09:14,140
I'm happy to report that I've
already lost 15 pounds.
230
00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:17,140
You go, girl.
231
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,640
But I've gained
a whole bunch more
232
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:23,150
in my wonderful new boyfriend,
Roy Biggins.
233
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:25,650
We met at Foodaholics, and I am
234
00:09:25,650 --> 00:09:27,150
crazy about him.
235
00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:33,660
B-bu-but you're Mary Pat Lee.
236
00:09:35,660 --> 00:09:37,660
He's Roy!
237
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,170
Shirley Booth...
238
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:51,170
Robert Ryan...
239
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,180
Richard Widmark...
240
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,680
Scatman Crothers.
241
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,680
Dead... dead... alive... dead.
242
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:02,190
Gosh, Brian, I can't stump you.
243
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:03,690
You're too good at this.
244
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:07,690
I should put you in touch
with my reunion committee.
245
00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:12,190
Okay, here are
your shirts.
246
00:10:12,190 --> 00:10:13,700
Are they...?
247
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:14,700
Yes, they're starched.
248
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,700
And your vitamins.
Are they...?
249
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,700
Yes, they're chewable.
And I bought you underwear.
250
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:19,700
And are they...?
251
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:20,700
Yes, they're starched
and chewable.
252
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:23,210
Hey, hey.
253
00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:24,710
All right, all right.
254
00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:27,710
They're wide-band
and reinforced in the crotch.
255
00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:33,220
My wife, I think
I'll keep her.
256
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,720
Joe, look.
257
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,220
I don't believe it.
258
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,720
There's another picture
in the paper
259
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,730
of Roy with Mary Pat Lee.
260
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:46,730
"Mary Pat Lee
at a Boston Pops benefit
261
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,730
"with her new flame...
262
00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:50,230
Boyd Wiggins."
263
00:10:50,230 --> 00:10:52,740
I just... I just
don't get it.
264
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:55,740
I mean, how can this
still be going on?
265
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:57,740
She's Mary Pat
266
00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,240
and... he's Boyd.
267
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,740
Antonio,
they're together.
268
00:11:01,740 --> 00:11:04,750
You're just going to have
to learn to accept this.
269
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,750
That's what my priest said.
270
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,750
You know... I mean...
271
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:11,250
it could even get serious.
272
00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:14,760
That's what the counselor
at the Crisis Center said.
273
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,760
I mean, stranger
things have happened.
274
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,760
They could wind up
getting married.
275
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,270
That's what the guy
at the gun shop said.
276
00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:26,770
Did you guys
happen to see
277
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,770
my picture in the newspaper?
278
00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:30,270
Yeah, we saw it.
279
00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:33,780
Oh, Scarpacci, by the way,
Mary Pat says hi.
280
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,280
Oh, my God!
281
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:38,280
She said hi... to me?
282
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,780
Okay, okay, go back.
283
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,780
Go back.
What... what...?
284
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:44,290
what exactly did she say?
285
00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:45,790
Where were you?
286
00:11:45,790 --> 00:11:46,790
What were you wearing?
What was she wearing?
287
00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,790
No-- don't leave
anything out.
288
00:11:49,790 --> 00:11:51,290
Just give it to me
word for word.
289
00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:54,800
Scarpacci, what difference
does it make?
290
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,800
Trust me,
lives depend on it.
291
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:02,810
Uh... she said, "You know
that little Spanish guy
292
00:12:02,810 --> 00:12:04,310
"that works at the airport?
293
00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:06,810
"Well, uh,
tell him I said hi.
294
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,310
Make his day."
295
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,310
Oh! Oh!
296
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:11,810
She likes me.
297
00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:13,820
Fay, Fay,
wait till you hear.
298
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,820
So, Hackett,
I guess you're wondering
299
00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:21,820
what it's like
dating a media darling.
300
00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:23,330
Nope. Not at all.
301
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:25,330
Well, I'll tell you.
302
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:26,330
It's great!
303
00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,330
Of course, you give up
some of your privacy
304
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,830
with the paparazzi
always following you around
305
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:31,830
shouting, "Hey,
get out of the way.
306
00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:34,840
We can't see Mary Pat."
307
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,840
But living
in the celebrity fishbowl
308
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,340
is a small price to pay
309
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:42,850
when you're dating a babe
like Mary Pat Lee.
310
00:12:42,850 --> 00:12:44,350
And the sex...
311
00:12:44,350 --> 00:12:46,350
Rules, rules.
312
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:47,850
I won't tell you
313
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,850
how many times
a day we go at it.
314
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:50,850
Thank you.
Four times.
315
00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:54,360
Oh... Please, stop.
316
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,360
And if the press ever got ahold
of our videos...
317
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,860
Ugh...!
318
00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:00,360
I'm going blind.
319
00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:06,370
Roy, if
you're happy,
320
00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:07,870
then I'm happy for you.
321
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:11,370
But you should just know
that as your relationship grows
322
00:13:11,370 --> 00:13:13,380
it's not always going
to be about sex.
323
00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:14,880
Oh, yeah?
324
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,380
Yeah. I mean, Helen and I have
been together for a while now.
325
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,880
And it's not like we're
all over each other.
326
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:22,390
I mean, it's not like
we don't want to be,
but stuff comes up, you know?
327
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:24,390
I mean, you get into
your computer,
328
00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:25,890
she gets into her magazine,
329
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:27,390
you're watching QVC,
330
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,390
you see this little
porcelain leprechaun
331
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:30,890
you just got to have...
332
00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:33,400
Wasn't that a great deal?
333
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,900
Anyway, I just hope
that you and Mary Pat
334
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,400
are half as happy
as me and Helen.
335
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,400
I hope so too.
336
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,410
Last night we did it
on the hood of my El Camino.
337
00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:46,410
Dah!
338
00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:51,410
Which reminds me,
can you recommend
a good body shop?
339
00:13:57,420 --> 00:14:00,920
Joe, look what I bought
in Boston today.
340
00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:04,430
Nothing.
341
00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:07,430
A present for me.
342
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:14,940
( phone ringing )
343
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:22,440
Hello.
344
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,450
Hey, Hackett,
you got a minute?
345
00:14:24,450 --> 00:14:26,450
Yeah, Roy, but I've got
other plans for it.
346
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:27,450
I'm going
to hang up now.
347
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,450
No, no, wait.
348
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:30,950
I've got someone here
who wants to talk to you.
349
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,960
Hello, Joe.
350
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,460
This is Mary Pat Lee!
351
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:35,460
Hi.
352
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:36,460
Joe, hang up the
phone already.
353
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,460
It's Mary Pat Lee.
354
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:39,960
Hi, Mary Pat.
How are you?
355
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:40,960
Hello, Helen.
356
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:41,960
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
357
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,970
Oh, not at all.
I was just sitting here.
358
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,470
Listen, Roy
was telling me
359
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:47,470
what a wonderful
couple you are.
360
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,470
And tomorrow
I'm doing a show
361
00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:52,470
"Happily Ever After:
Marriages That Work"
362
00:14:52,470 --> 00:14:54,980
and unfortunately,
one of the wives on the panel
363
00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:56,480
she came home today
364
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,480
and she found her husband
trying on her nursing bra.
365
00:14:59,980 --> 00:15:02,490
So I was wondering...
do you think you and Joe
366
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,490
might consider
replacing them?
367
00:15:04,490 --> 00:15:05,490
What's she saying?
368
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:07,490
A man got caught
in a nursing bra
369
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:09,490
and she wants us to be
on her show tomorrow.
370
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:10,990
What do you think?
371
00:15:10,990 --> 00:15:11,990
I don't know...
372
00:15:11,990 --> 00:15:13,000
We'd love to!
373
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,000
Oh, I really
appreciate this.
374
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,500
I'm so delighted.
375
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:19,000
Now listen, you have
to be in Boston
376
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,000
tomorrow morning
at 7:00 a.m.
377
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,510
Okay, 7:00 a.m.
in Boston.
378
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,010
We'll be there.
379
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,510
Oh, listen, Mary Pat,
380
00:15:25,510 --> 00:15:27,510
we just love
your show so much...
381
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:30,010
and we just can't wait
to be there...
382
00:15:32,510 --> 00:15:34,020
Isn't this exciting?
383
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:35,520
We're going to be
on TV tomorrow.
384
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,520
I know, but we're going to have
to get up so early.
385
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,520
Oh, right.
386
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:39,520
Good night.
387
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:40,520
Yeah, good night.
388
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,520
Oh, wait. Weren't
we going to...?
389
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,530
Ah, we'll get
to it tomorrow.
390
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:44,530
Get to what?
391
00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:47,530
Oh, yeah, right,
we'll get to it tomorrow.
392
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,540
Ah... I can't believe
393
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:02,040
I let Joe talk me
into coming back here.
394
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,550
That woman called me a
commitment-phobic creep
395
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:06,550
in front of
a million people.
396
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:08,050
You should be proud.
397
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:09,550
You know,
that show made it
398
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:11,550
on the best of
Mary Pat Lee video
399
00:16:11,550 --> 00:16:13,560
along with
"Death Row Marriages"
400
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,060
and the guy who
gnawed off his own pinky
401
00:16:16,060 --> 00:16:18,060
to get it out
of an A.T.M. machine.
402
00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:21,060
Oh! Finally.
403
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:22,570
Hey, where were you?
404
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,570
Sorry. It takes a while
405
00:16:24,570 --> 00:16:27,570
to replace all the Odor
Eaters in your shoes.
406
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,570
Wear a sock
once in a while!
407
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:30,570
Hey, aren't we
forgetting something?
408
00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:32,070
Oh.
409
00:16:39,580 --> 00:16:41,080
No, no, see...
410
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:45,090
no, I believe
I said "extra firm."
411
00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:46,090
Take it back.
412
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:47,590
( mirthless laugh )
413
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:48,590
That's it, princess.
414
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:51,590
I have had it with your
delicate little behind,
415
00:16:51,590 --> 00:16:53,600
your sweaty feet,
your creepy underwear
416
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,600
and your Loony
Tunes vitamins.
417
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,100
You're an adult!
418
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,100
Learn how to
swallow a pill!
419
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,600
What are you saying?
420
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,610
Get yourself
a new wife.
421
00:17:03,610 --> 00:17:04,610
I quit!
422
00:17:04,610 --> 00:17:06,610
Honey, honey... honey,
please don't go!
423
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:08,610
We can work this out!
424
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,110
Hey, are you single?
425
00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:12,620
You looking to make
$4.50 an hour?
426
00:17:12,610 --> 00:17:15,120
Shh-shh-- it's starting,
it's starting.
427
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,620
( applause )
428
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,120
Hi! I'm Mary Pat Lee!
429
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,130
( cheering )
430
00:17:25,630 --> 00:17:27,130
Is your marriage mundane?
431
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:30,130
Has "for better or worse"
become a curse?
432
00:17:30,130 --> 00:17:33,140
Is "happily ever after"
just a fairy tale?
433
00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:35,640
You know it, sister.
434
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:39,140
What's the secret
to a happy marriage?
435
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:41,140
Meet two couples who know.
436
00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:43,150
Please, let's have
a warm welcome
437
00:17:43,150 --> 00:17:46,650
for Sam and Ida Merriweather,
who've just celebrated
438
00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:48,150
their 50th
wedding anniversary.
439
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:51,650
( applause )
440
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:53,660
And Joe and Helen Hackett,
441
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:57,660
who've just enjoyed
their first blissful year.
442
00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,160
Aw...
443
00:18:02,660 --> 00:18:06,670
And speaking of blissful,
guess who's in the audience?
444
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:07,670
Roy.
445
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:10,670
(audience applauding)
446
00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:12,670
All right, Joe, Helen--
447
00:18:12,670 --> 00:18:14,180
let's start
with you.
448
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,680
Why don't you tell us
449
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,680
what makes your
relationship
450
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,180
so darn special?
451
00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:20,180
Well...
Well, I think...
452
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,180
Oh, sorry.
Go ahead.
453
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:22,680
No, you go, baby.
454
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:23,690
Don't you just want
to eat them up?
455
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:26,190
Like candy.
456
00:18:29,190 --> 00:18:30,690
All right, Joe, come on.
457
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:31,690
Tell us, what's your secret?
458
00:18:31,690 --> 00:18:34,700
Well, uh, I think it's
pretty simple, Mary Pat.
459
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,200
Um, I think that marriage
460
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,700
is about taking care
of each other's needs.
461
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,200
And jewelry
doesn't hurt either.
462
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:44,210
( stagy laughter )
463
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:47,210
Well, you two just seem
like the perfect couple.
464
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,210
We like
to think we are.
465
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:52,720
Then why is your sex life
in the dumper?
466
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:54,720
What?
467
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,220
Oh, come on, come on.
468
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:59,720
You're sitting there like
you're America's sweethearts
469
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,720
when the truth is
you're practically celibate.
470
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,730
You don't know what
you're talking about.
471
00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:08,730
Okay. Okay. When, exactly,
was the last time you had sex?
472
00:19:09,730 --> 00:19:12,230
A-All right. U-Uh...
473
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:13,740
( clears throat )
474
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:18,740
The... I am pretty damn
sure it was this month.
475
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,740
I'm pretty damn sure
it was good too.
476
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:22,240
Audience?
477
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,750
ALL:
Let's get real!
478
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:26,250
You know, I-I see now
479
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:27,750
why people like
to watch this show.
480
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,750
It's very entertaining.
481
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:32,250
Okay, listen,
let me tell you something.
482
00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:34,760
Helen and I
have a great sex life.
483
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:35,760
Oh, really?
484
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:39,760
Well, that's not
what you told Roy.
485
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:43,270
You talked to Roy
about our sex life?
486
00:19:43,270 --> 00:19:45,770
No. Well, no,
not exactly.
487
00:19:45,770 --> 00:19:47,270
Not exactly? What
does that mean?
488
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:48,770
Look, I am not going
to discuss this
489
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,270
in front
of millions of people.
490
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:51,770
Okay, fine. Why
don't you go home
491
00:19:51,770 --> 00:19:53,280
and discuss
it with Roy?
492
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:54,780
Helen...
493
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:56,280
Joe, Joe, Joe,
tell me, tell me
494
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,280
what are you thinking
right now?
495
00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,780
I think you're sneaky
and mean,
496
00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:02,780
and you are completely wrong
about Helen and me.
497
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:03,790
Audience?
498
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:05,790
ALL:
Let's get real!
499
00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:13,800
Just go ahead
and set that down over there.
500
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,800
Oh, honey,
wasn't that a great show today?
501
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,300
Yeah. Uh... about that...
502
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:20,300
I really need to talk to you.
503
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,300
No, not now-- we're
being photographed
for Boston Magazine.
504
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:23,810
Oh, you look shiny.
505
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:25,810
Lou? Roy needs
a little pancake.
506
00:20:25,810 --> 00:20:27,310
Eat now?
507
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,810
I'm kind of upset.
508
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,810
Oh, what the hell.
509
00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:32,810
Lou, make it
a short stack.
510
00:20:32,810 --> 00:20:34,320
( laughing )
511
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,820
You are so cute.
512
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:37,320
I meant makeup.
513
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,320
Look, I got to be honest
with you here, Mary Pat.
514
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,320
I'm a little
angry right now.
515
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:44,330
Smile, Roy.
516
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:45,830
It's about your show.
517
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,330
Honey, what is it?
What's wrong?
518
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:50,830
You told me that you
were going to do a show
519
00:20:50,830 --> 00:20:52,330
about happy couples.
520
00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:53,840
Come on, Roy.
521
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,840
"Happy couples"
gets a four share
522
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,340
against Huckleberry Hound.
523
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,840
You betrayed and
tricked my friends.
524
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,840
What I told you, Mary Pat,
was in confidence.
525
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:03,850
Oh, my god, Roy.
526
00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:05,350
I feel terrible.
527
00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:06,850
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Mary Pat?
528
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:11,850
Oh, honey, I just,
I-I had to do something.
529
00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:13,860
You know that softer
Mary Pat image?
530
00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:15,360
It just wasn't working.
531
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,360
Okay, guys, let's
get a picture
532
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,860
of the two
of you together.
533
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:20,860
Let's show Boston
how you really feel
about each other, okay?
534
00:21:20,860 --> 00:21:21,860
One, two...
535
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:22,860
Hold it, hold it.
536
00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:24,370
I can't do this.
537
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:28,370
C-Could you all please
just give us a minute?
538
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:31,370
I really don't understand
why you're so upset.
539
00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:33,380
You know how much
I care about you.
540
00:21:33,380 --> 00:21:35,880
Not half as much as you
care about your show.
541
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,380
Yeah, but that's a lot.
542
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,380
Boy. I really thought we
had something going here.
543
00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:44,390
We do, but don't ask me
to choose
544
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,390
between you and my show.
545
00:21:46,390 --> 00:21:50,390
Okay. Well, then, I'm
going to choose for you.
546
00:21:51,890 --> 00:21:53,400
Roy! Please don't
547
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,400
walk out on me!
548
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,900
I really, really need you!
549
00:21:56,900 --> 00:21:58,400
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Mary Pat?
550
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:16,420
That was incredible.
551
00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:18,920
We should fight
more often.
552
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,920
There's nothing better
than make-up sex.
553
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,930
Unless it's
make-up sex again.
554
00:22:24,930 --> 00:22:26,430
How mad are you?
555
00:22:26,430 --> 00:22:28,930
Furious.
38020
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof