Original subtitles

Mmm. Eyeballs, rats,

bats, vampire teeth.

Boom. Vampire teeth.

Good.

Spider webs.

Done.

Fake blood capsules.

They didn't have any.

Really?

That's gross. I love it.

We are throwing

a Halloween party

at our house.

It's gonna be

the greatest thing ever.

Someone will die.

Of fun.

And of murder.

There's going to

be beer, pumpkins...

Bloody goblins.

Fake ones.

It's gonna be awesome.

We have decorations.

Dead people that

we just murdered.

Not murdered,

but pictures of dead

people from TV or movies.

Mutilated bodies.

But fake ones.

Candy, dancing, tequila.

All kinds of food and snacks.

Blood orphans.

No blood orphans.

I don't know what that is.

I want you on message,

and the message is

Leslie Knope.

If you're not

talking about you,

you're talking

about the wrong thing.

I hate talking about myself.

Get over it. I talk

about myself constantly.

Everyone loves me for it.

I really am amazing.

When you work in government,

people often suspect

that you're anti-business.

So I'm throwing

a little meet and greet

with business owners,

and I've asked

Tom's company to help.

Here's my opening line.

Hi. I'm Leslie Knope,

and I'm in the business

of being City Councilor.

Oh, my God.

I'm not going to use that.

This is your primary target.

President of the

Chamber of Commerce,

Martin Kernston.

Oh, yes.

From Kernston Rubber Nipples.

The Nipple King.

Photos, bios, likes, dislikes,

prescription medications.

I've heard of Martin Kernston.

I know a little bit about him.

Oh, really? Well,

which of his advisors

does he trust more,

Ted Flirtman or Rex Baggs?

Well, it depends.

Flirtman is more

of a confidant.

I made up both those names.

Okay, I'm on it.

Get at me.

Jean-Ralphio, stop crying.

What? Hold on.

Slow down. Hold on.

Allergic to chestnuts and...

Good haircuts.

It's too tight. Looser.

I feel like we need

to inflate it more.

No, I told you.

I'm a sumo wrestler

after he lost the weight.

I take it

we're having a party.

Dude, I knew

there was something

I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

No, no, no. It's fine.

Why should you guys

tell me you were gonna

have an enormous party?

I didn't tell you

I was gonna be quietly

working in my room.

That's a good point.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess we're even.

If you need me,

I'll definitely be awake,

because I won't

be able to sleep

because of the party.

You know? So...

All right.

My family is very

non-confrontational.

My parents' method

of problem solving is

to kind of keep

everything bottled up

and just subtly hint

at what's bothering them.

And after 36 years,

they are still divorced.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Tom, this is not

what I pictured at all.

This looks like a party

for Entertainment 720.

Is Entertainment 720

running for office?

It's a small business.

You're trying to

show people you have

a good relationship

with small businesses.

Now the party?

That's all about you, boo.

Okay. Then shouldn't my face

be on these rugs?

I'm sorry, no.

It's always been

a dream of mine to be a rug,

and it's finally happened.

Tom, now is not

the time for you

to explore your

weird dreams, okay?

I want all of this gone.

All of it.

Except that cake.

Keep that cake here.

Just scrape off the words.

Donna? Blue shirt,

badge, night stick.

You are a policewoman.

Yep. You're a regular...

Sherlock Holmes.

I solved that mystery

before you did.

Okay, this was fun.

Andy, you are U.F.C. legend,

Chuck Liddell.

That's right.

Girl from The Ring.

To me,

Sherlock Holmes

is literally

the greatest character

in the Western canon.

Smart, intuitive, handsome.

Replace his pasty

British frailty

with superhuman

physical fitness,

and you get...

Sherlock Traeger.

Mr. Potato Head.

That's right.

Hey, where's my

lovely daughter tonight?

She's at home.

I knew that

you would be here,

and I was worried

that you might be

concerned seeing us

together at night.

You're a very

thoughtful guy,

but really,

I have no problem

with the two of you

dating, really.

I mean, look at you.

You're just,

you know, beautiful.

You're beautiful.

On the inside where

your spirit lives.

Listen. Tell her,

"Come to the party,"

and I don't mind at all.

Oh, good. I'll text her.

Okay. You can text

without looking at your phone?

I think it's rude

not to maintain eye contact

with the people

that I'm talking to.

That's from me.

Wow! That's amazing!

High five.

Wow.

Hey. Ron. Good to see you.

Weren't you

a pirate last year?

Yes. This is my

Halloween costume.

Andrew, are you aware

that your bathroom

faucet is leaking?

Are you kidding me?

I just stuffed

a sock in it yesterday.

What else

do they want me to do?

There's an exposed wire

above the bathtub as well.

Oh, yeah. Shock wire.

I call it that,

'cause if you take a shower,

and you touch the wire,

you die!

Yes, that is accurate.

Do you have a tool box?

Yeah.

No home is complete

without a proper toolbox.

Here's April and Andy's.

A hammer, half of a pretzel,

baseball card, some cartridge

that says Sonic and Hedgehog,

a scissor half,

and a flashlight.

Filled with jelly beans.

Although I have not worked

with you professionally,

as a private citizen,

I have personally patronized

each and every one

of your establishments.

I've never seen

you buy a salad

at Sue's Salads.

That's because

I don't hate myself, Tania.

I'm sorry.

I know I should be

chasing your vote,

but I stand

behind my decision

to avoid salad

and other disgusting things.

And I think

I have a lot of support

in the community for that.

Despite the fact that

this seems like

a party for Tom's face,

uh, I think

it's going pretty well.

When in doubt,

in Pawnee, slam salad.

I'm just especially

thankful that you could

come, Mr. President.

Martin.

You were responsible for

the Harvest Festival, right?

No. Yes.

Well, it was a team effort.

I barely did anything.

I held them back, actually.

They succeeded despite me.

I'm sorry. I worked very hard

on that event. I'm just...

Bureaucrats aren't used to

bragging about themselves.

Tom, come over here and

talk about how great I am.

Martin! Tom Haverford.

I threw this shindig.

Yes. Tom, tell Martin

how hard I worked

on the Harvest Festival.

It was incredible.

A lot of people say

the Harvest Festival

is what launched

Entertainment 720.

No one says that.

I just said it.

My company,

Entertainment 720,

has an amazing

business opportunity

for Kernston's.

Mind if I steal you

away a few seconds,

give you the 'tails?

The 'tails?

The details.

Most people would

probably say the deets.

I say the 'tails.

Just one example

of innovation.

Look, I don't like

to throw around the word

butt-head too often.

If you call

everybody a butt-head,

then it kind of

loses its impact.

But I can say

without hesitation

that Tom is

being a real dick.

Hey. You stole

the Nipple King.

Thanks a lot, traitor.

I'm sorry.

I just needed to ask him

about this one thing.

But we're all good now.

What if I just

introduce you for your speech?

I have a better idea.

Why don't you go over

to one of your rugs

and sit on your own face?

I don't need

your help anymore.

Hi, there.

Is there a project

you're working on?

I know more than you.

All right.

When April

and Andy married,

I didn't get them

a wedding present.

In my experience,

wedding presents

are nothing more

than kindling on

the divorce bonfire.

But I think I found a way

I can really help them

make a home.

You, bean bag,

come with me.

I'm an eggplant.

I don't care.

Come with me.

Why?

I need small hands.

I'm scared.

Look who decided

to join the party.

Bro, that's awesome!

Where's your costume?

Honey,

he's wearing a costume.

He's going as lame.

That's a pretty

good costume, actually.

But I think the Batman

costume is way better.

You should go wear that.

Yeah, I don't think

I'm gonna put on a costume,

because I'm not really

attending this party

that's at my house.

Hey, listen, if you're

mad about something,

you should just...

No. I'm not.

I'm not mad.

Really? Listen,

I feel like you are mad.

So maybe you should

just talk to us about it.

My name's Ben. I'm mad.

All right.

That was great. Thank you.

So soft.

Soft lips.

Thanks for that.

Your fingers are salty.

I'm going to finish my work.

Orin, no! No! Stay out!

Pawnee has suffered

through a tough economy,

and what has kept

our town alive is you,

the small businessman.

And I'm not referring

to your stature, Gary.

You are a giant

in this community.

So many businesses

represented here today.

Food and Stuff, J.J.'s Diner,

Glennmore Discount Cemetery,

Tramp Stamp Tattoos,

Enormous Kenny's

Fried Dough Stand and

Mobile Phone Emporium.

Who else? Sue's Salads.

Ooh!

Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes,

Geoff's Savings and Loan...

And Entertainment 720.

Thank you so much for that

amazing intro, Leslie.

Hi, folks.

My name is Tom Haverford,

and I am here to

tell you a little bit

about Pawnee's

premiere entertainment

and multi-media

conglomerate...

Entertainment 720

Where dreams come,

they come true

How about we watch

this brief promotional film?

What?

Entertainment 720

has been a fixture of

this community since June.

Tom, listen to me.

Turn that off or give me

the remote right now.

It's short. Can you

let it play, please?

You're lucky that

Martin Kernston is here,

'cause you're gonna

need another nipple.

Why?

There. I think I got it.

Yep, you got it.

Can you at least

tell me what you're doing?

I'm a homeowner.

I would like to

actually learn something.

Yeah, I'm tightening

the valve stem

into the valve shank.

I'm replacing the handle,

and then

tightening the set screw,

which will hold it

in place. Now...

Oh, my God.

We made it work.

It's a good feeling.

Sense of accomplishment

and pride.

Damn it,

I just love it so much.

Are you okay?

Great.

I'm going to go

around this house

and fix everything

I can find

that needs fixing.

You want to help?

I really do.

Good. That's next.

I can't reveal

my identity because of

various corporate enemies.

But suffice it to say

I run a fairly popular

social networking site.

And let's face it,

booking E 720 was

the smartest decision

I ever made.

I hope you liked this story.

I invented Facebook.

Wow. Okay. Um...

I know that video

seemed like

the rantings of a lunatic

pretending to be

Mark Zuckerberg.

That's who that was?

No.

That is impressive.

We're not gonna waste

any more of your time.

Agreed.

Let's get right to it.

Please welcome the

E 720 Mailing List Divas!

I want all y'all to

write down the name

and direct phone line

for whoever is in

charge of hiring

independent contractors

for your business!

Now, come join me and

let's all take a dip in

the E 720 Mobile Hot Tub!

It's parked right outside.

Let's go!

Hey, Ben.

Hey.

I thought you weren't

coming to the party.

Well, I'm just

having a Butterfinger.

Oh, really?

Is that okay?

No. If you're not

part of the party,

you can't have the candy.

Back up.

All right.

Back up.

Okay.

I have one sister.

We steal each other's stuff,

hack each other's

Twitter accounts,

set each other's

clothes on fire.

There are no rules.

We need to deal with

what's bothering you.

Oh, please,

come into my room.

See, you're angry at me,

and you're not

talking about it.

And I'm going to

beat you up until you do,

because I'm mature.

What are you... Stop it.

I grew up with five brothers,

and we fought

using the Dwyer method,

which was yelling,

wrestling, crying

followed by lots of hugs.

And then more wrestling,

but the fun kind.

And then crying when

the fun kind of wrestling

got out of hand.

Can you let me go?

Not until you

tell me what's wrong.

Mr. President,

I just want to apologize

for the actions of

that little weasel.

Leslie, I'm a frugal man.

I don't like extravagance

or showmanship.

That's why

I cut my own hair.

And it's what's made me

a successful businessman.

So if Entertainment 720

is the kind of

business you trust,

I'm afraid you and I

don't share the same values.

There you are,

you little bastard.

Get out of there

right now.

Leslie, can you

do me a favor and

just let me sit here?

Tom, get out of

your stupid limousine

hot tub right now,

or we are

no longer friends.

I'm not getting out.

Fine. Then I'm getting in.

Listen to me.

You know what you are?

Get away from me!

You're such a little

selfish punk, okay?

Just because

you want something

doesn't mean that

everybody has to bow to...

Listen to me.

You didn't even let me

have my one night.

Look at me. I don't

want to see your face.

Look at me. I don't

want to see your face.

I've been looking

at your face all night. God!

I'm sorry.

What's wrong with you?

My company

is bankrupt, okay?

Entertainment 720 is dead.

Oh, man.

Excuse us!

Nice form, son.

Make sure you

keep a firm pressure

on the cranium.

On the cranium?

Listen up.

I have to turn off

the power for one minute.

We're going to

go dark, people.

Bear with us, okay?

We've got to switch

off the main fuse hose.

It's just a fuse.

It's just a fuse, people.

Just a fuse.

Well, maybe we should

get out of this hot tub.

I'm too sad to get out,

and I'm all pruney.

What happened?

I don't know.

I guess I just

didn't moisturize

enough this morning,

and I've been

laying around here...

With the company, Tom.

We're hemorrhaging cash

ever since we opened.

They say you've

got to spend money

to make money.

Well, I don't know

where we went wrong.

We spent all of our money.

Okay.

You know what you need?

Some good old-fashioned

comfort food.

Where we gonna

get albacore tuna

with crispy onions

at this hour?

Come on.

I'd say you've got

the handle on

that torque wrench.

Yeah, well, the flange

was a little warped,

so I just goosed it

with a triple-three

bolt smack.

That was nonsense.

I know, but it's so fun

to talk like that.

You know what? Keep this.

You earned it.

Thanks, Ron.

I need to get more chips.

Great.

Let's go.

Come on. Walk.

No.

This is a pacifist protest.

Had enough?

You need to let go of me.

Yeah! Get it!

That's good. Here we go.

No. No.

Let go of me!

He's got his back!

Come on! Fight me!

No. No. No.

Oh!

Nice! Yeah!

Oh, my God.

Andy, I am so sorry.

Psych! Blood capsules.

Oh!

What?

Yeah!

I wanted to shock you

into expressing your anger.

And that way...

My nose is broken.

Oh, my God.

I've got to go

to the hospital.

Oh, my God.

Didn't it feel good?

Come here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, I thought you guys

were doing great.

I remember trying

to hire you once,

and you said

you were all booked up.

That was a business tactic.

For the first two weeks,

we told everyone

we were booked solid

to make people want us more.

Oh, no.

That's the stupidest idea

I've ever heard.

Well, hindsight is 20/20.

Kind of seems like

regular sight

should have

caught that one.

Also, your logo,

it's the worst logo

I've ever seen.

It doesn't make any sense.

It's gibberish.

We made some mistakes.

Tonight was my last chance

to land a big client,

and I failed again.

God, it's so embarrassing.

Hey, Tom. You're a smart guy

and charming occasionally.

You're going to have

a lot more good ideas.

Thanks.

I'm sorry I screwed up

your campaign thing.

I really wanted

to do a good job.

I made you this

amazing video biography.

Of my life?

It's back at the office.

Well, let's eat and go.

Didn't I ask for

whipped cream on this?

Ma'am?

Oh. Does it hurt?

Yeah. You broke my nose, so...

I'm sorry.

But I don't even care.

Just get it

all out there, man. Go.

All right. Maybe you

have to start thinking

about how your

actions affect me.

Like, tell me about stuff

happening in the house.

Stop referring

to my bedroom

as a common space.

Stop using my comforter

for your pillow forts.

Just respect me.

Absolutely.

Really?

Yep. And in return,

I'll only ask for one thing,

which is for you to pay

for studio recording time

for my band

to do our new album.

It's going to be about

5,600 bucks. Deal?

That's not

going to happen.

Here's something for

the pain and some ice packs.

You his friend?

Him?

Hell, no.

We're brothers.

Excuse me. Hey.

Hi.

We should go.

I'm blocking an ambulance.

Ew. If your nose

is all weird after this,

I'm totally

going to divorce you.

Whatever. I'm going

to divorce you first

for wearing my

favorite hoodie.

Is everything cool?

Yeah. It is.

Let's go.

We just can't use

Ben's comforters anymore

for our pillow forts.

What are we

going to have sex on?

The year was 1975.

It was a time of trouble.

Watergate.

Well, I'm not a crook.

Vietnam,

Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis.

But then a ray of hope.

Leslie Barbara Knope was

born on January 18th, 1975,

and she has been

a loyal patron

of its businesses ever since.

Tom Haverford is

a selfish, unctuous,

sleazy, self-promoting,

good-hearted,

secretly kind and wonderful,

tiny little person.

He went to Kernston's office

and basically begged him

to meet with me again.

I think he technically

might have bribed him.

But hey, you know,

whatever works.

It was Mary Pickford

who once said,

"This thing we call failure

is not the falling down,

"but the staying down."

Tom won't be down for long.

Her name is Leslie Knope,

and I'm going to vote for her.

And if Li'l Sebastian

were still alive,

he'd surely vote for her.

And I reckon you should too.

Did you like it?

It's pretty great, right?

I worked really hard on it.

Yeah. I loved it.

I'm going to

watch it every day

for the rest of my life.

And when I die,

I'm going to project it

on my tombstone.

I had an amazing

time at that party.

And in the case of the woman

who's stolen my heart,

the culprit was

Millicent Gergich.

You should look into

actual detective work.

I will.

And, Jerry, I've decided

to take your daughter home.

And we may be

having intercourse.

Please, you've got

to stop saying

things like that to me.

You got it, man.

Bye, Dad.

Everything okay?

I can't find my car keys.

Solve this mystery, genius.