Original subtitles

Gentlemen,

Wilderness Weekend

is upon us.

There will be

no video games.

There will be

no Internet pads.

This weekend,

you have two parents.

Me and Mother Nature.

And I am

Mother Nature's brother,

Brother Nature.

But you can call me Andy.

Or Brother Nature.

Your call.

Thank you, Andy.

Brother Nature.

For the last three years

I have served

as Troop Leader of

the Pawnee Rangers.

This is our handbook.

I wrote the

whole thing myself.

Okay, it's time

to give out the badges.

Um... Let's see.

Emily, you get the badge

for Most Community Service.

To Casey, the Best

Penguin Blog badge.

To Abigail,

Flyest Hairstyle.

And Ann gets the badge

for Second-Flyest Hairstyle.

Oh. I wasn't

competing for that.

I'll say.

Five years ago,

a plucky fifth-grader

wanted to join

the Pawnee Rangers.

But their

executive council said

what obnoxious

jerks always say,

"No. This is males only.

Go start your own club."

She couldn't. So I did.

We're called

the Pawnee Goddesses,

and we're freaking awesome.

Hi, Ron. Whose club

do you think is better,

yours or mine?

The answer is mine.

Say mine is better.

It's not a competition.

Oh, but it is.

Your club made it

a competition when

they kept girls out.

Oh, my stars!

I'm just a little lady.

My fragile constitution

cannot handle the

fearsome outdoors.

I have no problem

with strong women, Leslie.

Who is Leslie?

My name is

Annabelle Vandergraf.

And, y'all, I just

fall to pieces

when the sun

shines on my head.

However,

the Pawnee Rangers

were founded

because some boys

want to go out

into nature

and learn traditional

survival skills

without being

distracted by girls.

Well, my awesome Goddesses

don't want to be

distracted by losers.

Say my club

is better, Ron.

Say it.

My club is better. Say it.

Come on.

Say it's better.

Say it. Say it's better.

Say my club is better.

Say it. Give it up.

Whose club is better?

Mine. Say it.

You know it. Say it.

On principle,

I never say anything

that another person

is obviously trying

to get me to say.

My first wedding ceremony

took two hours.

Because after

the priest said,

"Repeat after me,"

I fell silent.

I've been

auditing the budget

and I noticed

you're way behind

on your paperwork.

Jerry, you haven't

filled out a PC-10 form

in two and a half years.

Oh, geez. I'm sorry.

Yeah, we kind of

do our paperwork

at our own speed.

Oh, really?

Well, I kind of need you

to do it at my speed.

Fine, I'll do them.

What is wrong with you today?

Did they cancel

Game of Thrones?

Nothing is wrong.

Just do your job.

And they would

never cancel

Game of Thrones.

It's a crossover hit.

It's not just for

fantasy enthusiasts.

They're telling

human stories

in a fantasy world.

Fill out the forms, please.

Thank you.

I used to have one

really good reason

for staying in Pawnee.

But now, I'm not sure

what's keeping me here.

Although, I am just

two sandwiches away

from a free meatball sub.

This is expired.

Rangers, as a reward

for coming on this trip,

I have gotten

you each two gifts.

Go ahead. Open them.

What is this?

That is a canvas sheet.

The most versatile

object known to man.

It can be used to

make tents, backpacks,

shoes, stretchers,

sails, tarpaulins,

and I suppose in the most

dire of circumstances,

it can be a surface

on which to make art.

What's the second gift?

The second gift

is the box itself.

You have ten minutes

to assemble a shelter

using only your two gifts. Go.

Ladies, the Goddess cabin

has never looked better.

This year's Cabin

Refurbishment Badge

is going to be

hotly contested.

Okay. So, what did

everybody make

for their loosely

structured craft time?

Lauren?

I made a Gertrude Stein.

Amazing, Lauren.

That's so good.

I really wouldn't

want to follow that.

Ann?

Oh, boy.

I was making

some corn-husk dolls

for everyone.

But they kind of

turned out wrong,

so they look like monsters.

I'm sorry.

I'm just going to

put that over there.

In the fire.

Well, Ann is

keeping us warm.

And that's important.

April.

What was your craft?

I drew something

on my arm.

It's a pioneer girl

watching her grandmother

get trampled by buffalo.

Yeah. This right here

is all the blood

coming out of her face.

D. J. Bluntz

is in the building

Here to announce

that Tom Haverford

is in the building

Oh! One, two, one, two!

Donatella.

T-Mobile.

Three words for you.

"Treat." "Yo." "Self."

Treat Yourself 2011

Once a year Donna and I

spend a day

treating ourselves.

What do we

treat ourselves to?

Clothes.

Treat Yourself.

Fragrances.

Treat Yourself.

Massages.

Treat Yourself.

Mimosas.

Treat Yourself.

Fine leather goods.

Treat Yourself.

It's the best day

of the year.

The best day of the year

I've got a question.

Mmm-hmm?

What do you think

about inviting Ben

to come along with us today?

What? No!

This is our thing.

But he really seems like

he could use a day off.

He's like a skinny,

little rubber band

that's about to snap in half.

Exactly.

He doesn't know

how to relax.

Donna, you and I are

relaxation professionals.

There's no way Ben

can slow down enough

to keep up with us.

My Nubian princess,

this is our holy day.

It's the one day a year

I allow myself

to be selfish.

Ooh! Cupcakes.

Those are all

for me, Jerry.

This homemade bulgogi

is so delicious, Kayla.

This is the best

Korean food

I've ever had.

I would say

it's almost as good

as lukewarm beans from a can.

Right, Ron?

I'm trying to

teach my boys

about rationing food.

And your self-indulgent

ethnic food court

isn't helping.

Goddesses, let's go over

our schedule

for this afternoon.

We have hiking and

then capture the flag,

and then a puppet show

about the Bill of Rights

set to

Party in the USA

by Miley Cyrus.

And then,

we have lasso training

and a s'mores-off.

So, what's on

our schedule,

Mr. Swanson?

We have one

activity planned.

Not getting killed.

Jerry. Oh!

Everybody must be

at Rangers Weekend.

You know, I actually

was a Ranger for 12 years.

That's wonderful.

Maybe you should

take the day off.

You know,

rest is very important.

Did you know that lab rats

who are deprived of rest

grow tumors all

over their bodies?

You should Google it.

It's horrifying.

Thank you. Yes. You know,

I'm going to go have

lunch with my daughter.

You know, Chris,

if you want to, you know,

you should join us for lunch.

My daughter,

she's really sweet.

I would love to, Jerry,

but I'm afraid

that I am busy.

I have got to run.

Okay.

Google those rat tumors.

Treat Yourself 2011

Oh, Lord.

Is he eating soup

on a bench alone?

Tom.

Fine.

Come on, rubber band.

You're coming with us.

What? What are you...

No arguing. And no soup

in the Benz. Get in.

What... What...

What is happening

right now?

Great pillow fight, girls.

That was one of

our best ones yet.

Okay, now,

it's time for awards.

Lulu gets

the Golden Pillow.

And the Silver Pillow

goes to Janie.

Ooh.

Yes? What is it?

Ms. Knope?

I don't like

the Rangers anymore.

I want to become

a Pawnee Goddess.

I did it. My club is

officially the best club.

I would give myself

a merit badge that says,

"Best Club Founder,"

but I don't have one.

So, I'm going to give myself,

"Prettiest Eyes,"

as a placeholder.

I secretly

always wanted this badge,

so it works out great.

You were defecting?

I like you, Mr. Swanson.

It's just...

All we do is

sit in silence

and eat beans.

Those beans were a reward.

Well, see, the thing is

this club is for girls only.

Maybe you should start

your own club for boys.

Get back to your canvas box.

We'll discuss this no further.

And I'll thank you

to keep the ruckus down

so my boys can

focus on solitude.

I'm sorry, Darren.

Let's go.

So, Treat Yourself Day

is just a day

where you go to the spa

and then the mall?

I knew you wouldn't get it.

Well, I'm a relaxation novice.

Give me some guidance.

Listen to me, Bento Box.

The point of this

is to pamper yourself.

Just relax, man.

I can't.

There's something about

the sound of harps

that makes me nervous.

Oh, my God.

Hi, Donna.

Hey. Relaxation lesson

number one, acupuncture.

It's great for your

back and your rear.

Needles in your face,

pleasure in your base.

I know.

Here comes my boss.

Hey, Chris.

I would like you to meet

my daughter, Millicent.

Wow. Jerry, great job.

I'm your dad's boss.

And his much younger friend.

Pleasure to meet you.

Isn't she beautiful?

I say she looks

like my wife, Gayle.

And Gayle agrees.

So, anyway,

we were going to

go to lunch, so...

I retroactively accept

your original offer.

Let's go.

Ladies, I just

wanted to thank you

for not cheering

when I sent Darren away.

Ms. Knope,

wasn't Darren just asking

for the same equality

that you and the Goddesses

wanted five years ago?

In a sense,

but it's a little bit

more complicated than...

Wasn't your answer

the very same thing

that the Ranger Council

said to you?

"Stick to your own kind"?

Who wants homemade

peanut brittle?

Miss Perkins, please.

We're in the middle

of a debate.

Sorry.

Come on, Goddesses.

We just struck

a huge blow for equality

by proving that we

were better than them.

I disagree.

What about

a public forum?

You always say that

there's no better solution

for a hot-button issue

than a good

old-fashioned

public forum.

Great idea, Lauren.

What was that?

I said, "Great idea, Lauren."

I've taught them too well.

I've created

a mob of little

Leslie Knope monsters.

I'm so proud.

And a little annoyed.

But mostly proud.

70/30.

Just relax

and don't move.

This is the most stressed out

I've ever been in my life.

Ben, listen, I'm going to

talk to you about

things you like

to take your mind

off the needles. Okay?

Accounting,

trigonometry,

stamps, probably.

I'm more of

a rare coins guy.

Help me. Help me.

There is nothing

that I like more

than running for charity.

You know, last summer,

I did a 50-mile bike ride

for the Red Cross.

Yes, she did.

Millicent Gergich.

Biking for charity

is literally one of my

interests on Facebook.

Wow.

I can't believe

how alike we are.

I know. It's, like,

we're literally

the same person.

We are having a moment.

Attention, everyone.

Welcome to Wonder Weekend's

first ever public forum.

Our topic today,

should the amazing Goddesses

take pity on the once

powerful Pawnee Rangers

and let them into

our clearly

superior organization?

Ron, your

opening statement.

This forum,

like all public forums,

is a waste of time. Thank you.

Powerful stuff. Okay.

Let's open up

the floor to debate.

Who... Yes, Abigail.

Isn't it like Brown versus

the Board of Education?

Separate but equal

is never really equal.

We should let the boys in.

Hmm.

Interesting. Casey.

I disagree.

I think there's a benefit

to educating

the genders separately.

I see where

you're coming from.

Let's hear from a Ranger.

Anyone? Darren?

It's cold

and dirty out here.

And you guys have candy.

I want the candy.

The Goddesses are

making some

well-informed statements.

But the most compelling point

is from Darren

about the candy.

We have amazing

candy in there.

Welcome to Nirvana.

The Plaza at Eagleton.

There's

a reflecting pool

out back.

There's an old-timey train

that runs through the mall.

And three Burberrys.

If you tell your friend,

"Hey, meet me at Burberrys,"

they got to

specify which one.

Let's hit it.

I really want this dress,

and I like this

crystal beetle,

but it's expensive and

there's no use for it.

Donna Meagle?

Treat Yourself.

Velvet slippies,

cashmere socks,

velvet pants, cashmere turtle.

I'm a cashmere-velvet

candy cane.

Treat Yourself.

I mean, this is insane.

Jerry? A word?

Of course.

I had an amazing lunch.

I've already passed

the kale salad I had.

What?

But even better,

your daughter was

delightful company.

Now, I don't want to

put you in an

awkward position, but...

You would like to

date my daughter.

Yes. But you are her father,

and that is a sacred thing.

I would like to spend

the next two

to four days with you,

so you can get

to know me better.

To find out if I am

the kind of person

who is good enough

for your daughter.

Then, you can

come with us on our

first three to six dates.

Chris, I appreciate

the gesture.

It's very nice.

But Milly,

she's a grown woman,

and of course I trust her.

And I trust you.

Jerry. Thank you.

Mmm.

Boys, I'm trying to

teach you something

about nature

and self-reliance.

Nothing beats hard work

and determination.

Is this the Pawnee Goddesses?

I've got the puppies

you ordered.

Oh, the puppies

for the puppy party

that we're having

in our cabin?

Those puppies?

What? No...

Man, did you buy anything

for yourself today?

Yeah, I got this

pack of socks.

Plain white socks?

Yeah.

That's not a treat.

Donna, get me

away from him...

Look, maybe this

is our version of

"Treat Yourself Day,"

and he needs to

do his version.

What are you

talking about?

Wyatt, if you could blow

big money on one thing,

not sock money,

what would it be?

Oh, my God!

This is a whole

new level of nerd.

You're right.

This is ridiculous.

What am I doing?

Wait! No, no, no, no, no!

I mean that in

a good way, Ben.

Listen to me.

You're part of

the Treat Yourself

team now, okay?

If that costume

somehow makes you happy,

you're going to buy it.

And you're going to

wear it out of the store,

okay?

You're going to

Treat Yourself.

Yeah. You know what?

I'm going to do that.

I'm going to...

Yeah.

I'm going to treat myself.

Thanks, you guys.

Thank you.

I really needed this.

I've got to treat myself.

Uh-oh. Batman's crying.

I am a Goddess,

a glorious female warrior.

I am a Goddess,

a glorious female warrior.

Queen of all

that I survey.

Queen of all that I survey.

Enemies of

fairness and equality,

hear my womanly roar.

Enemies of

fairness and equality,

hear my womanly roar.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Congratulations.

You are now Goddesses.

Oh, my God!

Now, have yourselves

a puppy party!

Oh, boy.

Hey. Can I sit down?

Look, I didn't mean

for this to happen.

I have a lot of respect

for the Pawnee Rangers,

even if they were jerks

five years ago.

You're not a jerk.

You're a good troop leader.

Not for these times,

I'm not.

It's taken me

a while to see this,

but these kids...

I don't understand them,

and they certainly

don't understand me.

That's not true.

No, it is.

And it's okay.

People change.

Their interests change.

It's the way of the world.

When did kids get

so interested in fun?

I'm going to turn in.

You were right,

by the way.

Your group is better.

What's wrong?

Out with it.

I was seeing

a woman for a while,

and then, we stopped

seeing each other

pretty recently.

That's why you've

been off your game.

Sorry, dog.

You're a catch, Wyatt.

You're going to be okay.

There's chicken-heads

everywhere, Ben.

Chicken-heads

all around this mall.

You're going to find one

and you're going to be great.

But for now,

why don't you let it out?

Treat Yourself to a good cry.

One question, though.

Yeah?

Why so serious?

Wait! I got something! Oh!

Whoa! Awesome. Nice.

Thanks, D-money.

What kind of bait

did you use?

I bought this mackerel

at the supermarket.

I've been standing

in the water

with the fish

on my hook

for 30 minutes.

I saw it on an episode

of I Love Lucy.

Pathetic? Maybe.

But it feels

pretty good to have

a bunch of little boys

be super into me.

That came out wrong.

Ron! Come fish with us!

That's okay.

Seems like you have

things under control.

Come on!

Come do that thing

where you catch one

with your hands.

I've seen him do it.

It's incredible.

Ron, come on!

We need you to

help us have fun!

The first annual Leslie Knope

Remote Controlled

Speedboat Race!

See you Monday.

Jerry.

Where did you come from?

Listen. As I said earlier,

I want to keep

everything above board

in regards

to my relationship

with your daughter.

And as you know,

Millicent and I

went out last night.

And it went terrifically.

Chris, that's great.

But you really

don't have to do this.

Again, the date

was amazing.

We had sparkling

conversation

and full disclosure,

she did spend

the night at my house.

Have a great day, Jerry.

What are you doing here?

We're here for the club.

That was last week.

The ad says today.

What ad?

"Are you

tough as nails?

"Would you rather sleep

on a bed of pine needles

than a mattress?

"Do you find

video games pointless

and shopping malls stupid?

"Do you march to the beat

of your own drummer?

"Did you make

the drum yourself?

"If so, you might just

have what it takes

to be a Swanson.

"Pawnee's most

hard-core outdoor club

starts today.

"Boys and girls welcome."

Swansons, are you prepared

for whatever lies ahead?

Yes, sir!

Before we proceed,

do any of you have any

dietary restrictions?

Correct. You do not.

First outing

is right now.

I will be teaching you

to dig a proper trench.

Does that sound like

something you want to do?

Yes, sir!

This will be

no fun at all.

The Internet's not working.

Ben!

We need your help.

Guys, I've told you

how to do it.

You just unplug the router,

and then, you plug it back

in again.

I guess I'll do it.

It's still not working.

Well, give it a minute. God.

Okay, it's working.