Original subtitles

You what?

How? Well, how'd he do there?

My stars!

Well, he was wondering when our bouquets would cross hands.

Are you ready for a round two of frog legs?

Excuse me.

Sergeant. But.

I have a special assignment for you. Why don't you jump inside this gargantuan

conveyance's asshole and get the fuck out of my office. I want to talk to your

supervisor. You want to speak to my supervisor?

Yeah.

You're both Native American?

Yeah. Yeah.

And if these men's rights are being stripped from them, I mean, what other

liberties are being taken away from our men?

Well, we are in the army, sir.

So, all of them.

There are a few things you need to know about dealing with a perp.

First thing, you're at their hands, not their face. The big thing is going to

pull a gun out on you.

Second of all, if they're hacking up their pants and looking around, match

up.

They're going to run speed up to it.

Finally, if you're going to a theme and...

Chaotic. Deal with the guy without a shirt on for her.

He's probably causing the problem.

Okay, sir, this is your first domestic call, right?

Do you remember the rules?

The guy has a shirt off. What do you do? Uh, shirtless.

Okay, if the guy has his shirt off, then he's probably the one causing the

problems, so attack him first.

That's right.

Wait, no, no, don't attack him. Separate them, and then we interrogate, okay?

Yeah. You ready? Sorry, we're out of time. Uh,

yeah.

What if the girl has her shirt off?

Uh, well, that generally never happens, but don't discriminate, I guess.

Yeah, but what about the time at the barracks the other day? I mean, those

were pretty much... Oh, yeah. We don't have to really talk about that right

All right, we just got to stay focused, all right?

There's somebody in there that might need our help.

Are you ready?

Yes. Just to recap.

Guy. Shirt off.

Trouble. Separate.

Right, yes.

Girl. Shirt off.

Attack.

No. All right, stop with this creepy clawing thing.

Just...

Separate, interrogate.

Separate, interrogate. Got it? Mm -hmm. All right.

Military police, open up. I will punch your titties right now.

Nice.

Officer.

How can I help you?

Whatever happened to those flat earthers? It seems like they just fell

Hey, Dino.

Dino. What?

Don't joke about that. Okay.

Oh, man.

Hey, you still dating that chick from a couple months ago?

Lydia? Yeah.

No. That's too bad.

She broke up. I broke up with her, and she's getting a little clingy, so I

figured there'd be more action in the army.

The army?

Okay.

No, I'm serious. She was a good girl, but, uh... There's only one woman that

satisfy me.

Abernathy? The Instagram model?

Pull your head out of your ass, butts.

Night, Jim.

Hi. Bye. Yeah.

I'm taking off. Okay.

So, bye.

What?

You two are fucking... Shut up!

You know I'm not into big tits and pouty lips. I like Asians.

Flat ass. Small hands.

Foot job.

You know me better than that. I don't fuck my subordinates. I certainly hope

not, Sergeant. Christmas Christ!

Pucker your asshole. He's coming.

Why don't you come on in?

Catch you staring again.

You don't have to take a bite.

Stop looking.

I do apologize for the mess. Venus is in retrograde, as I'm sure

you're both well aware, so we are realigning a temple, as such.

Sir, we need some identification, and we heard a woman screaming earlier.

Hormone?

No, there is no Hormone here.

It's my spooky skeleton decoration.

420 Loco.

I see you admire my secret weapon.

I make it in the bathtub. Four simple ingredients.

Homemade for a loco.

CBD oil.

El Pollo Loco chicken seasoning.

With that zesty little tang.

And the fourth ingredient, well... I could tell you the fourth ingredient.

But I have to fuck you first.

I have to fuck you.

Take a sip. Sarah, no. Do you want mouth therapy?

Come on. Uh, sir, what about that woman that we heard?

The screaming? Oh, she's a little tied up at the muscle.

There is no woman.

Spooky skeleton.

Remember? No.

No woman.

Okay. Spooky skeleton.

Come join me in the bath, shall we?

Sergeant, but...

You must be miles ahead on your annual training to be fraternizing with

Dean here.

Would you like some more tasks in the meantime?

No, sir. I'm actually completely on schedule, so no need for any additional

tasks. All right, then.

Well, Sergeant Dean, please ensure your men are staying productive with their

time. I wish you both a good night.

Good night, sir.

I may stop for some plastic watering cans on the way home. Do you have any

preference on color?

Army green is fine, sir.

Good choice.

Motherfucker!

I want to destroy that guy.

Yes.

But how?

Uh, have you seen my beef jerky anywhere?

Perhaps by strangling him.

In a tub of ice water.

Watching the bubbles escape his lifeless mouth.

Okay, buddy. And then slicing his skin piece by piece with a razor blade.

Until the blood and water diminish from his bloated corpse.

Turning him into a perfect piece of human.

Sir, the female that was tied up. Ma 'am, ma 'am, if you're there, say bacon.

Delicious.

Son, have you ever seen a grown homer nugget before?

Why do you ask? What was your name, sir?

My name?

I am Mercury.

I am Jupiter.

I am your Venus, the fire in your crotch that you desire.

The artist formerly known as Gurg.

Whoa, hey. Hey, oh, easy now, Cowboy. Put the gun down. Put the gun down.

We're all friends here, right, baby?

Yes. What is that?

Well, this is my family cone.

Oh, God. The juices I have bestowed upon this brush are X.

All right, so that's it. I am detaining you. Look, apprehend. No, detain.

Officers, please.

You are so sweet. I've done nothing wrong here. I'm just drinking some

Real out of my chakras, right, baby?

He could be a false flag Satanist. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no.

No.

All right.

Internalize your thoughts and then say them. But what if he's CID?

No, he's not CID.

Uh, you actually gotta be pretty smart to be internal.

I've been actually trying to transition myself.

The paperwork's been getting messed up. I failed a couple tests. You know what?

Anyways, that guy's a fucking chode.

We can find out.

How?

Why are you smiling like that?

Are you having a stroke or something?

Hey, Sarah, can you go search the area, please? Thanks. This is an injustice.

No, it's not.

Ludicrous. You have this coming.

I have you coming.

In no time.

Okay. She's not going to be in there, Sarah.

She probably has her mouth duct taped.

Oh, now that is a good idea.

Ow.

Anyone got a light?

Sugar Puss, how'd you get out?

I mean...

There she is.

That's how you get hurt.

Clear?

So, Dino, do you think he's possibly one of those lizard people or something

like that?

If he's not CID, I wouldn't put it past him to be a lizard anything.

That guy's creepy.

Every time he walks in the room, he's slithering like a snake.

He smells horrible.

Yeah, you know what? I actually went into the bathroom after him the other

Sorry, I went into the bathroom after him the other day. The place smelled

dead skin and grape jelly. Like he had just molted or something.

Did he draw this baby thing?

It looks halfway satanic. It's got stigmata.

I mean, I... It's kind of cool.

You're into that sort of shit.

I wonder if he's got surveillance equipment in here. If he's CID, he could

surveillance stuff.

Oh, that makes sense.

CID would totally be surveilling the shit.

Jackpot. What?

It's jerky. Yeah, my jerky.

Stole it from me last week. I fucking knew it. And then that son of a bitch

tells me I need to do Kato.

What the fuck is Kato?

Kato. He's the guy that helped OG Simpson kill those people.

Oh.

Oh.

Wow.

Uh, Dean?

He's got photos of us.

Why are we all over his wall?

There's so many Asians.

I'm going to take this number down real quick.

Ma 'am, are you okay?

Everything's fine.

Well, except for Venus.

See? See? Baby, I tried telling them about Venus.

So we got some noise complaints and there's a very strong odor coming

Odor?

I don't smell anything.

Well, we did have Taco Bell last night.

Taco Bell, that's right.

Thinking outside your buns, right, beauty?

Ma 'am, what's that on your arm?

Mmm,

hot sauce.

Come on, pal.

Now, as you can see, gentlemen, everything's perfectly fine here.

Just me and my angel face.

That's me.

Yeah, love you, spooky.

Now, uh, if you guys could please uncuff him.

That's my job.

No, I think we're going to search the rest of the house.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, gentlemen. We do not need to do that. Oh, my God!

Sarah!

Sarah! Sarah, are you okay?

Get him, darling.

Please don't take this the wrong way because you're heavier than I thought.

Your virgin blood is mine!

I told you that.

Sarah,

come on. Where are you at?

Ma 'am, if you do not get off of my partner, I will tase you. Just do it.

Ow.

Good job, Sarah.

Sweet tits.

Sweet tits, you okay, baby?

Yes.

Give me the bosoms.

So salty.

I cannot wait to get done with this bullshit annual training.

Get back to one week in a month.

Do a little yoga.

Play video games until I fucking die.

Boom.

I think I got it.

What's that?

Dude.

This guy is a piece of shit.

Yeah. I could have told you that.

No, no, no, no.

Read that.

Holy fuck. This guy's counts are worse than mine.

If that's not saying something, I don't know what is.

Check this shit out.

That's enough.

Okay.

I'll be right back.

I'm going to make copies of this.

Roger that.

Good idea.

How long do you think you're going to be, by the way?

Just photocopying, like five minutes?

Perfect.

Let me know if you hear something.

Yep.

Oh, hello, pouty pink massage parlor.

I can achieve no...

I'm about to achieve.

I'm about to achieve. Where do you want me to achieve, baby?

On my stomach? Oh, yeah, I can do that.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Guys?

It tastes so good. Could you please stop?

Guys?

Hey, knock it off!

What?

So, why were there all those bloody carcasses, like,

separated in the closet?

Oh, well, we were just having a bit of a blood orgy, as one does.

Mm -hmm.

Kind of something with a when to go.

What? What's a when to go?

It's an evil man -eating spirit.

Yes. Evil creature.

We just need a little MP virgin blood to finish our seance.

Just a dash.

Why MP blood?

Because most MPs are virgins.

That's right.

I'm not a virgin.

Me neither.

Yeah.

Totally had sex.

Yeah, totally.

You want to show them how it's done, babe?

Yeah, let's show them.

Let's not.

I've already.

I'll give them a lesson. I'm going to.

Sir!

Sergeant, you almost got a home strike to the face.

And that is what startled me.

Yeah. You're back.

What are you doing here?

You left.

And your door was open.

Security, sir.

It's paramount.

Government secrets.

That's good.

I was here for my satchel.

But I got it.

Very Indiana Jones -esque.

That's what I was going for. They were out of brown, and I just got the black.

That matches with everything.

Right. It's just universal.

Anyway, Sergeant Dean, can you grab my door?

Yes.

I'm late for a Kaido.

Blue belt on the way.

You can come out now.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Oh, fuck. Was that a wendigo? No, you're good. You're good.

Are you sure?

There's no such thing as wendigos. Okay, let's be quick. Let's be quick.

Let's get him out of here. Get him inside.

That is enough.

Okay, come on, lovebirds. All right. No, no, no. Watch your head. Watch your

head. Watch your head.

Here, yep.

All right. Good. Yeah?

Seems like that. Okay, come on. We're going to go. We're going to go.

I don't want you to knock me with my left. No, no.

Okay.

We're going to keep our body apart.

Let me do another taste, please. No, no, no.

No tasting.

This is going to be a taste. Free night.

Come on. No.

No. You're all going to fucking die.

I'll take you there.

He's dead.

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