Original subtitles

Hey, um, I'm here to pick up my brother. He's like this little ginger -looking

kid. Oh, yeah.

Relatives of yours?

They're my brothers.

Fuck you!

Get out!

I ain't some shit! Give me a reason!

Give me a fucking reason! I think an active shooter demonstration is a little

arbitrary. Outstanding. Sergeant, so I'll just...

Schedule the active shooter demonstration for the end of the month.

I am Alabaster Crone, 03 -11 -5 -20 marksman. Come on! Okay, ma 'am. Will

fucking get in deep with me? It's my first time. Ma 'am!

Sweetheart! Honey, I love you!

My dad's supposed to be on base today.

I get to meet your dad!

Your PM gave me the green light to head out with the boys today, so we're going

to have a lot of fun.

Okay, everyone. Hello.

Should I take my bra off now?

Oh, no. I'm just here to help. There's no need for that. I know a great, soft

place I could take you to.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, right near my house.

Possibly my house.

5 -5 -5.

Why are you giving him your number? He's there for everything you need.

Wow.

Do you want my number instead?

Hell yeah, girl.

Hey, this is Big Ol' Floyd. Please leave a message, too.

Oh, bro.

Some hit has been going down.

I got a lot to tell you.

So that's why you never want to get fucked by a centaur if you're going to

any mythological creature to get boned. What about a pegasus that you can ride

its face as it's flying away? It's still a horse dick.

All right, well... Hey, bud.

What the fuck is up with these berets?

LT's new mandate.

We're not even in the airport.

And we're wearing black berets.

It really feels like we're just shooting for the minimum here.

It's celebrating average, I get it.

It's like wearing a dead beaver's muff.

My name's Butts, by the way.

Patrick's. Hi, Patrick.

Nice to meet you.

Um... You would not happen to have a sister that's like a civilian nurse

around base here, would you? No, but I get that a lot. Who is this bitch?

Well, that bitch happens to be my ex -fiance.

She left me for a lady cop.

Embarrassed the shit out of me in front of everybody.

No, that's a lie. None of that is true.

He has a mix of ADHD and Asperger's.

Hey, do you remember when we killed all those frogs?

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

About 13 of them. We tased the shit out of them. You called me Baker's Dozen

Butts for months, bro.

I'm pretty sure that was just you, dude.

It was us.

Are you ready for round two, frog legs?

Excuse me.

Sergeant Butts.

Yes, sir.

I have a special assignment for you.

You know, this pike just brings the room together, you know?

Butts!

This is not going to be good.

So,

uh, killed a bunch of frogs?

I told you, Asperger's.

The Asperger's? He sleeps with the diaper on.

Hey, you want to do a baseball game soon?

I'm going to be busy.

Doing what?

You know, I'm going to wash windows.

I'm going to wash windows with my dad.

He's got this one window that... Cool, cool. If you do want to go to a game, I

think that we really should... This is it.

Mozart, please open up!

I'm not going to ask again!

I got this, I got this.

Hello? Open!

Open the door now!

Okay. Oh, they got that door.

They got that door good.

Just walk it off.

Yeah, just go walk it off.

Last warning.

Oh, don't worry. We're going to just take the night off, okay?

I felt that in my clavicle.

How? Well, how do you do that?

My stars.

We was wondering when our bouquets would cross hands.

Where is everybody?

Nicula.

There. Oh, no.

How did you two get in here?

There.

Patrick?

Patrick, did you hear something?

Proof of our sovereign status and ownership of our conveyance.

Conveyance, huh? Okay. Why don't you, the widow one, okay, why don't you jump

inside this gargantuan conveyance's asshole and get the fuck out of my

And if you don't want to, I can guarantee you two travelers will never

another vessel another day in your life.

That's a threat. It's a fucking promise, mini -me.

You know, technically, without a vessel, these two are just bipedal pirates

walking the face of the earth, spreading their sanctimonious scripture to all

the unclean. Hallelujah.

You have no definite or articulate facts that we've committed a crime.

And you can't prove jurisdiction. And you can't prove jurisdiction.

Patrick, do you know why sovereign citizens exist?

It's so that flat earthers and Scientologists have someone to laugh at.

I knew he'd be unruly. I want to talk to your supervisor.

Outrageous. You're not going to... You want to speak to my supervisor?

Yeah, absolutely.

Gentlemen, I am so sorry for wasting your time. Please pick up your verified

documents, I'm sure.

Follow me.

He's right down the hallway, last door.

Let's go, my ambiguously sane duo. Come on.

Yeah, right down there.

This is going to be good.

God damn it, stop!

Okay,

I'm going to get everybody out.

Now! Easy there, cowboy. We weren't breaking any of your rules.

I'm not breaking any of my rules. There's bottles of alcohol everywhere

pictures of vagina.

Hey, hey.

As my Eskimo brothers used to say up in Alaska when I was in the Coast Guard

guarding the border from the Ruski, it's cool.

Everybody here is of age, isn't that right, Leanne?

Come here, honey. Let me show you something.

Check some IDs?

Yeah. Hey, doll. Look what I brought you.

We're being good, I promise.

But we can be bad.

Okay, so this is... Okay, now it goes.

And you're both Native American?

Yeah. Yeah.

Great. My name's Blackfeet.

Obviously.

What that's supposed to mean.

I know Native American names are very, they pertain to the person.

That's why I am big toe.

He's got a big toe. Oh, that makes sense. Right. See, that's where I was

with that.

Do you get to choose those names at all?

They're given to us. Oh, okay.

By our elders.

Right, right.

Yeah. Are there a lot of Blackfeet?

No offense.

I'm the only Blackfeet. Okay, I just never had a name.

Maybe he wants to rain dance for you?

I mean, I don't want to be that white guy that asked for it, but I mean, yes.

I can set up a little get -together outside.

We have army tents that we can kind of set up, you know, just in the spirit of

the native language tongue.

Well, it's actually a sacred dance that we can't show you.

Yeah, besides it would be all rain in here on your stuff.

Expensive equipment, government issued.

What exactly... Put the ass midget down, goddamn.

Put it down, boy. Oh, oh.

It's not yours.

So what exactly are you doing in here?

Well, I'm glad you asked that, my fuzzy koala bear.

We are shooting only the greatest music video that the military has ever seen.

Um, why do you need all this lube for a music video?

Lube?

Alabaster chrome does not need lube, nor has he ever needed lube.

This is a bum chum body butter seat. Yeah, hold it down.

See, you take your sweet goo and you put it on your chest like this.

And it glistens and it dances in the light for you. You like that, boy? It

like you put Jason Derulo in a time machine into the early 1990s on your

television set.

And he's dancing with Jesse and the rappers doing the twist or singing

what, whatever you want. I can see it in your eyes. You like it.

Of course you like it. I like it. I don't know how I feel. Have you ever

a music video?

I've actually never even been on camera.

All right, I have had enough.

Baby, you just got here.

And we haven't had any fun yet.

Yes, indeedy. And you're in good hands.

Because Brigadier General 03917 is here to die.

Wrecked him.

You two, you need to get the fuck out. So let's go.

You two can be my stars.

I just want to ask. I don't know if this is inappropriate.

Let me know.

If I had a name, a native name, what do you think it would be?

Little Dick.

It's a little premature. You haven't seen... It's a compliment, I assure you.

Oh. Oh, well. Then I have the littlest of dicks.

All right. I like you guys. That's good.

I'm going to make color copies, obviously. I don't like to skimp here.

Why does it have to be color?

I'm just a big fan of color.

I mean, yeah, I've had this since it came out in 2017.

Some of my favorite eight years.

So can we get our conveyance back now or what?

Yeah, all right, black feet and big toe. So that is okay.

I just want to make sure that the letters of Mark and everything are

by you. It has been marked, and so that is something I will Google.

But rest assured, once I copy and Google, all right, things will be

along, as they say here. Perfect.

It could take months. But I will be on top of it like a paperweight.

On top of paper.

That'll be me.

And these are the papers.

So you're not going to do shit?

No, no, no. The paperweight will move.

All right.

Nothing to worry about.

All right.

All right. Yeah.

All right. Big toe?

Yeah. All right.

Little dick.

That's right.

All right. Black feet?

Easy with the black part.

Dark feet?

That's better.

You see, this is going to be kind of like Rebecca Black's Platinum Juggernaut

Friday, except for this one's called Thursday. And it's the kind of Thursday

that, you know, it comes before a long weekend, the kind that the military

absolutely loves. Piece of shit.

Anyway, let's work on a couple of your poses. Get up in the green screen, boy.

Don't worry, the girls don't bite. Let's work on it. I might bite, though. Oh,

hey. Hey.

Okay. Well, let's start with one of my all -time favorites, the Lily Hammer.

Get your arms back, boy. Oh, yeah. Shit, yeah.

Oh, that's hot. Now, take the hot biscuits out of the oven.

Yeah, now put your hot mayonnaise on them. Oh, spread it all around. Oh,

twinkle, listen.

Everybody's going to love this.

Now, the Lily Hammer Jackhammer Dildo. Oh, man. Go ahead and give that one a

try, boy. Let's see you ram it down.

Oh! Oh, shit, yeah.

Oh, shit, yeah. One more. Okay, that's enough. Okay.

Okay. Now, everybody get real still and quiet.

This one's called the Helen Keller.

Yeah. Close your eyes. Put the mask on him. Oh, put some balls in his mouth.

Yeah. Now, watch it. You're reaching around for too long. You don't know what

you're going to find.

It's going to be fun.

Oh, shit, yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is tweakalicious.

Everybody's going to love this. From the shadow man to the colored man. From the

sultry sands of Arabia to the dirty Spaniards.

Even the cholos from across the Yolo.

All right, that is enough.

I'm arresting.

Apprehending. Thank you.

Apprehending the both of you for disorderly conduct. You two, wherever

from, out.

You, sorry, but you got to go, too.

Sarah?

What? Did you check their IDs?

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.

What is wrong with you?

Wait one sperm gurgling minute.

I am out about the chrome.

Commandant 57th Regiment.

Retired with Hunter. Sir, you cannot apprehend me. Put me on the deck. Firm

gentle.

I got that.

Take me. Take me. Take me with him. Oh, God.

Sergeant, are you busy? Come on in, sir.

Sergeant Dean, I don't know what to say

other than I'd like our guard to be more selective

when asking for IDs.

This should be a sanctuary base.

And if these men's rights are being stripped from them, I mean, what other

liberties are being taken away from our men?

Well, we are in the army, sir. So, all of them.

This is no laughing matter.

We don't put up walls here. We build bridges.

I got the memo already, sir.

I sent a pamphlet out. It was fully colored. I spared no expense.

I got the pamphlet, sir.

Great. Let me get this straight. You want me to tell my guy? My guy.

My soldiers, we're going to hold it off on that argument for later, not to check

IDs onto a military post, regardless of whether or not they got an actual

driver's license or they're allowed on post with said military ID?

Right.

Are you high? Did they drug you in there? Did they touch you?

Only for a handshake.

But nothing else. It was official business.

Well, I'm a little confused right now because you're coming at me with a

pile of fucking peyote bullshit.

So let me break this down for you, new guy.

We are not doing any of the things you and your crackpot sovereign

citizens decide to throw into your... They are Native Americans.

I respect.

Are you this new and dull at this job that you don't understand when

blowing a load of smoke up your ass? I am not dull.

Driving through that gate is a right. They have a right to travel.

No. This is a federal post.

We are the federal government. They don't recognize us as any actual entity

power over them. They were here first.

Get out of my office.

You know what? Don't confuse your experience for my rank, sergeant. Get

out of my office, lieutenant.

Yeah.

Are we clear?

Crystal, lieutenant.

What the fuck was that?

Oh,

he wants you so bad.

Shut your mouth.

I'm just telling it like it is.

I need a drink.

Sarah, you just need to stay strong in certain situations where, you know, it

gets a little hot.

Hard.

I understand, sir.

I guess I just got caught up in the moment.

I'm sorry.

That's okay. It's okay, Sarah. It's just, uh, it'll happen soon.

What the...

What was that?

Uh, that's... I don't want to talk about it.

Okay.

ALABASKAR WHO?

Retired with honors, of course.

I'm a pilot.

Afghanistan.

Lilyhammer!

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