Original subtitles

laughter laughter

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show. And here is Benny Hill.

Now you go down to the ballet and you're eager for

a dance. You see a lovely stranger and your eyes meet white boy chance.

She's warm and she's desirable with a figure meant to hug. So you stand eight

feet apart and do the frog.

But in the tango, you get the chance to hold her out so near. And you gaze into

her lovely eyes that bloom.

And while you're dancing, you whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

And she says sweet nothings in her ear.

Now you give her here a nibble. You give her cheek a peck. You've got her in a

grip of steel. You're breathing down her neck.

And then she says those magic words that thrill you through and through.

You've been eating big old onions, haven't you? Oh, poo!

Once I met a girl called Titty who was pretty as could be. She lived up in the

city and she asked me round to tea.

But pretty, witty, pity, she tried to pull my leg. So I hit her, what a pity,

with a soft -boiled egg. Then the wireless made a tango and I out.

as we swayed and we glided round the room.

And when her dad come in, we carried on a laugh I didn't know. He was deaf and

he couldn't hear the tune.

Oh, he punched me in the ear hole and he hit me with a vase.

He chased me down the garden and I slipped up on the grass.

Well, I'm finished and threw a stars above with a tango.

Ladies and gentlemen, darling, nice to be with you once again. Now, for those

you who are spending your holidays this year in France, here is an item of

special interest.

Bonsoir. Good evening.

Ah, il y a quelqu 'un à la porte. There is someone at the door.

C 'est Claude. No.

He is my friend.

So I say, entrez, come in. But if I did not like him, I would say, allez -vous

-en and slam the door.

But I like him. So I say, entrez, come in.

Now I must make him welcome.

So, where do I take him?

Dans la cuisine, in the kitchen?

Non. Dans la salle de bain, into the bathroom?

No. Dans la chambre à coucher. Into the bedroom.

No, no, no, no. That will not do.

No. I will take him dans la salle à manger.

Into the dining room.

I should say, asseyez -vous. Sit down.

Là -bas. Over there.

Il fait chaud. It is hot.

Devrais -je enlever ma jaquette? Should I take my jacket off?

Non, parce qu 'il ne fait pas assez chaud. No, because it is not warm

Perhaps he is hungry.

Nous avons ici un délicieux gâteau de chocolat. We have here a delicious

chocolate cake.

Is he hungry? A -t -il faim?

Yes, he is hungry.

Will he have some cake?

Non, parce qu 'il est déjà trop gros.

No, because he's already too fat.

Now it is time for Claude to go.

As he is my friend, je vais lui donner un gros baiser. I will give him a

big kiss.

And notice, we say gros baiser and not grand baiser. There is a subtle

difference, but of this we will talk later.

Donc, je vais lui donner un gros baiser. I will give him a big kiss.

But of course in the negative, it is je ne vais pas lui donner de gros baiser. I

will not give him a big kiss.

Now then, what shall we do the next weekend?

Le week -end prochain.

Shall we spend it together in my house in the country?

Dans ma maison à la campagne?

Non. Shall I spend it in Claude's apartment?

Dans l 'appartement de Claude?

No, no, no, that won't do.

Non, nous irons chez les nudistes. We will spend it together in the nudist

colony.

Ah, tout le soleil dans la campagne, c 'est magnifique sous le ciel bleu. How

lovely it is to frolic, Claude and I, all naked in the countryside under the

glorious sunshine.

Now, don't forget.

Switch on next week, same time, and hear how Claude breaks his leg and cannot go

with me.

Laughter.

Okay.

Irvin, how long have you been in show business?

Ever since I was 17.

Eight years.

Eight years?

Nearly eight years.

And what position are you holding at the moment?

I'm sort of like upright but relaxed, like you said.

No, I meant in show business. Oh, I'm sorry.

I beg your pardon. I'm a chorus boy.

How did you start?

Well, you see, it all started for me down in Bournemouth.

When, unbeknownst to myself, my then -fiancée took a snapshot of me while I

at the water's edge having a paddle.

She sent the snap up to the town hall.

The next thing I knew, I'd been entered for the knobbly knees contest.

Well, I didn't want to let my fiancée down, so I went through with it, but I

can't tell you how I felt stood up there in front of all those ogling women with

my kneecaps.

Completely naked.

After the competition, which incidentally I won, there was a party

my downfall.

Yes, I tasted the sweet life.

I tasted the dolce vita of Boscombe and Poole.

Is there any truth in the rumour that there is a certain amount of cheating in

the Noblinese contest?

I'm ashamed to have to tell you this, but some of the men wear falsies.

What?

Flesh -coloured plastic kneecaps.

Got to the stage now where before every competition a nurse goes round with a

little hammer, tapping them and testing them.

I can't tell you how embarrassing it is when one of them drops off.

Getting to be like a cattle market now. It's no wonder I joined the men's

liberation movement.

You found yourself in several touring plays. I believe you played Lee.

Yes, I did, in Manchester and Birmingham.

Oh, yes.

I was a bit of a hell -raiser in those days. They used to call us the Rat Pack.

Not just me, there was Athene Siler, Edith Evans, Kathleen Harrison,

Robert Morley, all our drinkers, you know.

After the show every night, we'd go into the Queen's Arms there.

Many's the night I've downed as many as seven pints of shandy straight off.

You lived life with a big L.

And sometimes I suffered pain with a big P.

Like when I met this terrible agent. This lady producer.

She said, I'm having a surprise party. I got a surprise when I got there, I can

tell you.

Carrying on like that was disgraceful.

It's like that film about Gomorrah and that other place, you know.

A tower of barbell there it was. It was full of beatniks with long sideboards

full of drink.

I mean, they had sideboards full of drink.

Some of the men was just as bad.

I tell you, they were witches there. They were practising witchcraft. Not

lady witches, but men witches. They had men witches there.

Wallops. It's true, I think.

waiting for you in her den. So, of course, I went straight in.

Well, you were really taking an awful chance.

I mean, you're really very attractive.

I know.

I thought I'd be all right, because everyone said she was a Lebanese.

Well,

I got in there, and she was all dressed up in this, like, leather gear, you

know. And she said, here, put that on, and she'd give me a Russian army

officer's uniform, give me a copy of the TV Times, and said, hit me with it.

Well, she spoke fluent English.

Well, I come out of there and all these, like, rich people, they was all, like,

stood around, you know, and they said they was going to have a symbolic

sacrifice. They was going to go out and get an 18 -year -old virgin.

Where was it?

Chelsea.

That's what I thought. Some hopes, you know.

Anyway, then they all started looking at me.

And what steps did you take? Bloody long ones.

future? Well, I hope to get into a nice show with some decent people.

I've been on with this part in Ocalcutta, you see.

Ocalcutta? Yes. Well, it'll be full of Indians, won't it? You know.

And I've seen them on the television in the documentaries when they barf in the

Ganges. They don't even take their night shirts off, so there won't be any

nudity or anything like that, you know.

Merding cruddy, thank you.

Did you really find me attractive?

No, I didn't know as you did.

Thank you.

I just wanted to pop in to explain something to you. You know, in the

did a little while ago, it looked like I got on an old lady's back and she

carried me all over the countryside, you know.

What it really was, was this, actually. If I step into that, you see, and run,

and these legs are put round here, it looks, for all the world, like it's an

lady carrying me.

I just thought I'd tell you, that's all.

Well, I didn't want you to think that I'd expect, you know, an actress like

to run all over the countryside with nearly 11 stone on her shoulders.

But, no, ladies and gentlemen, seriously, there's a lot of things, you

about television that people, I'm sure, don't understand. You know, for example,

some people think that sketches and songs and little interviews like we did

now write themselves. I think we make it up as we go along. We have a script,

you know, from... Have you got my... Could you get my...

Isn't it there, Dennis?

I think I left it up in Jenny's room.

No, Bettine's room, I think.

Or maybe the ladybird's room, I'm not too sure.

Not a funny show, but a happy show.

Seriously, ladies and gentlemen, you know, I mean, a script, as I say, it has

be written. I have to write it myself.

And sometimes, you know, to meet a deadline, I have to stay awake, you

with black coffee and ice packs on my head till, you know, maybe half past

five o 'clock in the afternoon.

Ah,

have you got one? Yes.

Now,

I can't see, ladies and gentlemen, you know, how much you can see. I don't

Did his hand come into shop then?

No, you see?

And I know why. Because if his hand had come into shop, they'd have had to pay

him five pounds.

I have to think, yeah, it is true.

Anybody's hand comes into shot, five pounds.

Foot, eleven pounds.

They figure that the foot is more important than the hand, and the more

important the part, the more the money.

That's what I thought.

They'll never have old Calcutta on television.

Never. Anyway, this is a script, ladies and gentlemen. It's about, what is it

now? 32 pages long, and across the front there, you know, it says the Mike and

Bur... The Mike and Bernie Winters show.

Just there.

Ah.

And they've done it.

Which one goes out?

We go out first.

Bernie in drag.

That means dressed up as a woman.

In case you didn't know.

Any man who dresses up as a woman can't be all bad, does what I say.

You are Bernie as woman. Great, great, great.

Mike as policeman. Don't you mean rape? No, there was a bunch of them.

What do you call a man who marries another man?

A vicar.

How do male elephants find female elephants in the long grass?

Very nice.

He's another example of how, you know, explaining things in television. Now,

down here, it says, what do you mean?

What do I mean? What do you mean?

Guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh.

Now, you wouldn't know what that meant.

But that means, doesn't it? It means, what do you mean, what do I mean? Yee!

Now, I'm being naughty.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my very great pleasure to introduce three delightful

ladies who really do scintillate, sometimes till ten. Here they are, the

delightful Lady Bird.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time

you are near?

They long to be close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky every

time you walk by?

Just like me, they long to be close to you.

The day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to create a

dream come true.

And he's guided to create a dream come true.

Things don't turn out right.

I know I'll be all right.

I'll just keep sunshine.

Oh, it's a beautiful night, isn't it? It's not half as you are.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I don't think I've seen you on the boat before.

No, I spend most of my time in the...

I saw you this morning walking along the top deck, and I couldn't help noticing

you had a very, very beautiful behind.

I've had it for quite some time.

I had it made for me in Crete.

They don't make them like that nowadays.

Do you have a nice cabin?

Unfortunately, no.

I couldn't get one with a bathroom.

Must say I'm getting a bit fed up having to out of the porthole.

influential person.

His mother is Edward Heath.

She sounds quite a woman.

Of course she is.

Here comes that lady from Hancock.

Oh, is she Chinese?

She lives in Cincinnati now. Hi, Jenny.

I'm living in Cairn with my chauffeur and butler.

If you'd care to join me for a cocktail, I'll be in the bar.

I say, I must fall.

I'm awfully sorry.

How dare you? I'll call the steward.

How about a song, Roger?

Yeah, how about it, sir?

Oh, no. You don't want to hear me.

Tiptoe through the tulip.

But only if Jenny will with me.

I'd love to.

Tiptoe through the tulip. That is where I'll be. Come tiptoe through the tulip.

Tiptoe through the tulip.

Oh, you can yourself.

That's him, over there.

Excuse me, sir. Ticket.

Very well, I... Second class.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid so, madam.

I must ask you to leave this first class saloon immediately, sir.

Very well.

Is it true?

Are you really a second class passenger?

I'm most terribly sorry. Do forgive me. I'll go.

Is it true?

at 2 o 'clock

Don't forget me. I'll go.

How on earth did you start the nickel? I knew it was funny from the start. Best

man's funny, but not a cat. Yes, perhaps you're right.

Jenny, darling, what are you doing down here?

I changed my ticket for a second -class one. Oh, darling.

I'm terribly sorry about that, sir. I had no idea you were the owner.

The owner?

Oh, yes, madam.

Mr. Rogers shipped all over the place.

that go wrong on the TV.

But it are not only the British gentle ladies men that

go and sketch.

Isn't it?

Allons, jeune homme, mange ton petit déjeuner. Tu vois, nous avons beaucoup d

'oeufs. Oui, tante Est.

Ils sont délicieux, des oeufs.

Allez travailler sur un oeuf.

Il faut rebiller.

Vous savez, tante Est, que je vais faire une très grande... Oh, my God.

Oh,

gee willikers, Paul.

Qu 'est -ce qui se passe maintenant?

That's what we find here in Munich.

Nine out of ten women can't drink a piece of butter. So we have a taste

A challenge.

200 marks if you can drink a piece of butter. Do you want to try it? Yes. Yes,

then come in here. 200 marks if you can drink a piece of butter.

Where is my wife?

Elizabeth, where were you?

I was in the caravan with this man.

Why don't you try it, Maggie?

Oh, no.

It is too powerful for me.

But you get so much of it.

Nein, ich das nicht liebe.

Aber ich liebe die Menschwortdrink.

Thank you, Mr. Green.

Thank you.

Thank you, Hughie. Thank you. We can begin now. Come, come. No, I don't want

You don't want to?

Hopper Helbert, you must.

Not on your Nelly.

And what can he do with that button?

The show is over. No, no, no!

What is no, no, no? Scotland Yard?

Come on, baby, the show is over. We're going with the three singing women.

The three women with the little tits and the big tits.

Hello, boys and girls. Hello.

Oh, very nice. Now, before we begin our little party, I think I ought to

practice my party piece.

Now, this doesn't mean to say that the pound in your pocket will be any less.

This doesn't mean to say that the pound in your pocket will be any less. No, no,

no, no, no. This doesn't mean to say that the pound in your pocket will be

any less.

Listen, Teddy Love, you've got to get it right, you know, otherwise they'll lose

confidence with you. Just hold on there a moment.

I don't wish to know that.

Kindly leave our house.

That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it.

That's the way to do it. That's the way to do it.

Mary.

Mary, for goodness sake, stop reading that poetry and put some HP sauce on

there. Put some sauce on there quickly.

Now, boys and girls, I want to talk about our little party now because I

want you in our...

party i don't want to join your rotten little party all your don'ts going round

and round in concentric circles disappearing up your own inflationary

you're a very nice vulgar boy that's what you are

come to tell you that he can't come.

Who can't come?

Sir Alec Douglas Holm. Oh, Enoch, Enoch, how many times have I got to tell you?

It is huge.

Huge. Why can't he come? He done gone to bed with flu.

Enoch, Enoch, I think you better sing the song. Okay, man.

Yes, when the saints go marching in. When the saints go marching in. I want

to be. I want to be.

When the saints go marching in.

Now there be old Ricky Mortimer. I hope he won't be daunting. He's felled in

now. He's essentially annoyed.

I told him to shut away. I think that he went that -a -way. Hey, good man.

He's finished him in again.

Barbara Castle. She said me. I thought that it was food. It was something

rude.

I was a

thing

for her. I was a thing. Ah, do you think I would let you rock the street when

there room in my bed?

She was rowing.

I should like a little service. Then go to a little church.

Yeah, yeah, okay, sir. I'll go now, yeah.

See you later, alligator.

Gloomy baby.

Okay, cookie boy.

What do you want to start with? You want to start with an appellate? What was

that you said before you spoke?

I said, do you want a drink?

You want a glass of Shelly?

I'm begging your pardon?

A glass of Shelly.

Oh, a glass of Shelly.

Yeah.

Ready great area.

Oh, you can have, uh, right ale, lager and rum.

Oh, oh, please, I should like a glass of whiskey wine.

Ah, you want to spill it?

No, I don't want to spill it. I want to drink it.

Look, I know she spill it.

Oh, yes, I'm sure she is.

You know, you talk so funny. You not come from London?

Oh, no, I come from a place many miles from London. Ah, yeah, yeah. Where's

that? Birmingham.

I knew you wasn't from around here. We no can give you a whiskey wine because

no have a license for spirit.

Oh, well, then I should be pleased to take a cup of coffee.

Yeah, okay. How you want your coffee?

Like I like my women.

Hot and sweet.

Black or white?

Oh, yes, yes.

Okay, now, what do you want to eat?

Well, I don't see any poppadoms, curry or chapatis on here.

Poppadom chapati? We no serve a fallen muck here.

We only serve a good home cooking. Look, if you can't see it and you can't smell

it, we ain't got it.

What do you want, the order?

Well, in view of the statement which you have just vouched, I shall partake of

egg foo young.

Yeah, take a tip from me. Don't have egg foo young.

Don't have egg foo young.

It's not age, it's not young, it's just food.

Look, why you no try a chopped suey?

Chopped suey? Not chopped suey. I never come across such a thing in my life ever

before. Look, chopped suey is a vegetable. It's only some vegetables.

It's a... It's a... It's a...

No, no, no, no, no. Have a chop suey.

No, no, no. Why you no try?

Choo -chin -choy. You'll like that. That's the very nice. You have a choo

-choy? Choo -chin -choy. Oh, boy. Choo -chin -choy.

Hey,

chow. I've got a stupid area here.

You're going to have a choo -chin -choy.

I don't know.

I don't know. Hey, I say, I say you there. Hey, gong -ga -ding.

Hey, oi.

You want to have a dessert?

Well, what have you got on offer? I can have a Bremonch. Any flavor you like.

I have a goose belly, a louse belly, a frozen belly.

How about you have a rubbery, rubbery Jerry?

I say, how you know I have a rubbery, rubbery cherry?

Oh, lovely, wobbly jelly.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, pretty great trick.

Yeah, okay, Shao. It's coming up now, yeah.

You write, you got to write a Shuxin, Shao. It's a very nice Shuxin. It's like

fried life.

I beg your pardon?

It's all a plate full of fried life.

Oh, no, no.

Fried life.

Yeah, that's what I say. Yeah, yeah. No, please.

Fried rice. Your thing.

Fried rice. Fried rice.

See, it's not difficult when you try.

Oh,

you're right. That's very nice.

Is it flesh?

Yeah, flesh this morning. Oh, no, no, please, no. Is it flesh? Meat?

Oh, meat, meat. Yeah, that's meat, yeah.

What kind of meat? Oh, sir, a meat meat.

Is it couscous?

Hmm? Is it couscous?

No couscous.

Puss, puss.

But very well cooked.

And wait a minute. I was only joking.

Stupid idiot.

So I wrote a cobras.

Excuse me, sir.

Maybe you would all right to try a special on your house. It's called a two

-teen toy.

It's very nice.

Oh, bitte, bitte.

Das ist was Sauerkraut. Not worst. Wiener Schweizer. Das sieht gut aus. So,

schminken wir auf, bitte.

Thank

you,

ladies and gentlemen. Very nice of you.

And I hope that's all we've time for, but we hope to see you all again very,

very soon. Until then, bye -bye.

Thank you.