All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s01e08

Thank you, Julia.

Come in!

Ah, Benjamin, do sit down, will you?
Thank you, sir.

Coffee? Oh, how kind of you. There we
are. Thank you. Now, do you

like her?

She's very nice, yes.

Oh, good.

I like an employee who has the same
taste as I do.

They're the ones who get on here, you
know.

Now, Tim, I've been looking at this
account you've done, and by George, I

couldn't have done it better myself.

Yes, I must say, we do think alike.

Yes. Yes, indeed.

You know, this... I'll have to speak to
J .R. about you, you know. This could

mean promotion.

It could indeed, yes.

I like a chap who's smart, you know, and
intelligent.

Yes. Push, push, push, push, push, push.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny
Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

Oh, listen to the story of a Greek
romantic fool.

I fell in love with my teacher when I
was in school.

But I knew our love could never be, she
could not be mine.

For she was nearly 23, I was 39.

I went to my first dance and I met sweet
Mylene.

She had the loveliest eyes that I have
ever seen.

I said, within your lovely eyes, I could
live and die.

She said, the left one ought to suit you
then, because it's got a stye.

One day I was as miserable as I have
ever been.

I went into a phone box to try to get in
touch with Gene.

A policeman came and turned me out. I
still can hear him yell.

Then he went back into the phone box and
he turned her out as well.

She's got eyes that glow like cigarettes
with ashtrays underneath.

And when she bites her fingernails, her
mother hides her teeth. But she wouldn't

let me marry Jean. She said it was
because she thought I was effeminate and

compared with her I was.

So come, my pretty Greek girl, come and
dance with me.

Shine upon me as the golden sun shines
on the sea.

Fill my lonely eager arms with your
sweet ecstasy.

Oh, come, my pretty Greek girl, come and
dance with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, jolly nice to be
with you once again. Now, those of you

who are thrilled to the exploits of the
Baron and the men in a suitcase will be

delighted to know that yet another Mid
-Atlantic series is about to explode

your screens.

Whenever a crime is committed which the
police cannot solve through lack of

convenience, they send for the man who
keeps our

town clean.

Undercover sanitary inspector.

Starring Mervyn Burt as Dan Dan the
Laboratory Man.

Mary Tyler Bathory as Ida Aja.

And Tiddles the Wonder Cat as Juana.

What? Oh, no.

Right. Thank you. Keep close.

that gal right out of my hair. I'm going
to wash that out. Gipper, you look

flushed. What's up?

They got bathtub Jim.

Poor bathtub.

Tell me, how did it happen?

The oldest trick in the game.

The exploding bidet.

Yes.

An old hand like Jim shot up.

at some of them. I say, steady on, old
man. I'm sorry, Teddy.

Codenames only.

I'm sorry, Black Fog. That's all right,
Brown Ale.

Brown Owl!

I say, did they, uh, did they find his
ball cock?

I don't know.

If they get their hands on that, it
means 20 years' work down the drain.

Damn, didn't Gina's plan that? A
transmitting ball cock in every bathroom

Kremlin. We could monitor their every
movement.

Take it, my lord. Hello, Brown Owl here.

Initials only.

B .O. here.

Yes, I'm with the B .F.

I beg your pardon, who? You what?

Who is it? I don't know. She says she's
the Bureau.

A Bureau's a tall thing with drawers.

Do you want to talk to her?

the Dozien Bureau.

Ah, the Dozien. Oui, oui, madame, c 'est
vrai, n 'est -ce pas?

N 'est -ce pas?

Oui, bon, it's not the senior ruler.

C 'est quoi?

Oh, sir, those wicked communists,
they've been causing consternation on

continent. What?

They've been creeping into the YWCAs at
night. Yes. And putting the seats up.

Those damned reds get everywhere.

Oh, les cochons.

Wait a minute. Look. What is it?

Read. the situation's wanted column.

What, you're giving me the push or
something?

No, no, no. I think there's something
there that might interest you. Woman

mallets wishes to meet gent with bow
legs.

Object croquet.

Is that the one you... Oh.

No, not that one.

Man wanted for skilled work in dynamite
factory must be willing to travel.

Read on.

Socialist with knife and fork wishes to
meet capitalist with steak and kidney

pudding.

Oh, sorry.

Try the next one.

Woman who takes in washing on Tuesday
and Wednesday wants somewhere to hang

on Thursday and Friday.

Is that the one? No. Oh. Try the one
after that.

I love it. Thanks, Nina.

That's it?

What do you mean, that's it?

Well, don't you understand, you idiot? I
love it.

I love it.

Well, so do I. What's up with you,
idiot?

You ain't got any monopoly on me, no?
Don't you understand what that means?

is? I love it. It's spelt backwards.

I love it.

Tivoli. Tivoli. Tivoli. My God, you move
fast. I do, don't I? Yeah.

Don't you understand what it means now?
It means that Nina has made it to the

Tivoli bar.

If anyone can get their hands on Jim's
ball cock, it's Nina.

Tell me, where is this Tivoli bar?

Istanbul. Off you go.

Istanbul?

I'd rather stay here.

I wouldn't dabble there if I were you.
You might have your hand blown off.

You mean it's a booby trap?

They don't have things all their own
way, you know. We still have a few

up our sleeve.

Not just up your sleeve, either. Here.

Tell us about this Ianina.

She'll, um, she'll be wearing rubber
gloves, a plastic mac, and red army

How will I recognise her?

Use your initiative.

I think it will rain this evening.

But I do not think it will rain
tomorrow.

Red sky at night is shepherd delight.

In Spain, the rain stays mainly in the
plain.

No moving finger right.

And having read.

Moves on to write another bit.

A vat seagull never flies at night.

I've got a lovely bunch of... You will
never

find hairs on a duck egg.

But you will always find hairs on an
ape.

on a gooseberry that stop it from being
a grape.

So you're one of us. Of course I am.

For a moment I thought you were one of
them.

Thank you very much.

Walk with me. Very well, Madam Comrade.

I think I should go to the bathroom.

You're not Nina.

So, her name was Nina, huh?

Mr. Undercover Sanitary Inspector.

I've been rumbled.

What have you done with her? She
foolishly sat in a bath which previously

been coated with instant glue.

You can imagine the result.

Disaster. You imagined what happened.

Thank goodness you got here, Teddy. What
the devil are you doing here?

I don't know. You said I went to that
bar in Istanbul.

Istanbul, you idiot.

I said the bar at the Istanbul.

The Bull Hotel at East Ham.

Oh, come on.

Now he tells me.

Listen, I've been in there all night.
I've been in there all night with that

horrible, ugly thing lying down there. I
don't know what. All night long I've

been shouting, let me out.

How much I miss old Reverend Gray.

Of course, he want everyone's cup of
tea. But, well, I like his style. He

service with a smile in his sermons.
That's a bit of jollity.

Like sometimes just for a lark, he drop
the odd remark.

Just to see that everyone was listening.
Like he say, I know a man named Ho.

Because the vicar stumped his toe right
back in the middle of the christening.

When his fried cod was bad, a lot of
people would have got mad and told the

waitress to tell the chef to chuck his
hand in. But he just looks up and says,

Miss, it would seem to me that this is
the piece of cod that passeth all

understanding.

He says, Here, a week last Saturday we
went down Cheddar Way at a picnic in the

caves just for a treat. I took the choir
and Reverend George.

I says, Did you see the devil's gorge?
He says, No, I can't stand watching

people eat.

Last week, we buried old Fred.

Well, we had to. He was dead.

At the funeral, the vicar meets his
uncle Jack. He says, well, how old are

He says, me? I'm 102.

He said, it's hardly worth your while of
going back.

But he always was a visionary.

Perhaps that's why you become a
missionary.

Went to Africa to help some native
tribe. He came home on leave one day. We

round there right away wondering what
wondrous things he would describe.

He says, they big Zulus all wears fig
leaves.

The little pygmies, they wears tea
leaves.

Oh, he had some interviewing tales to
tell. I said, here, tell me about the

pygmy. Does he really practice polygamy?

He says, he don't have to. He does it
rather well.

you bangy lass in this tall jungle grass
and I asked her to direct me to the

ship she says I'd like to answer you but
I find that hard to do because you see

you're standing on me bottom lip he

says they gets drunk and goes into a
trance and gets up and starts to dance

broken glass and sharpened bamboo roots
and burning red hot coal and you don't

hurt them at all because you see they
wear these great big obno boots

Well, one day he packed his tent.

Back to Africa he went.

Because he had faith of that there was
no doubt. Like when he seen this lion

limp him with a thorn stuck in its foot.
He just went up and he gently took it

out. And then he said a little prayer.

And he blessed the lion then and there
and stroked its mane.

And his great big lion let him.

And then to show it could understand, it
went up and it licked his hand.

and raised its paw and knocked him down
and ate him.

I don't like this new vicar

we got.

And his wife, she ain't so what. He
refers to her as my good lady Ellen. She

walks around in fancy clothes like she's
got a smell underneath her nose.

And half the time he looks like what
she's smelling.

I tell you, when I first got my place,
the garden was a disgrace.

I tell you, it looked just like a
wilderness.

Well, I worked day and night until I got
it right, until I had cleared up the

rotten mess.

Well, they too come past one day, sees
my floral display, and my lawn all

smelling sweet and newly mown.

He says, it shows what God can do with a
little help from you.

I says, you should have seen it when he
had it on his own.

Well, I'll see Reverend Gray again when
my turn comes to go. And then, oh, I see

that in me mind's eye every day.
There'll be a band about the angels all

laughing, fit to bust, and telling them
the tale. It'll be Reverend Gray.

And now,

ladies and gentlemen, for some more of
those moments of television when things

don't go quite the way that they'd
planned.

It's my foot!

Get it off!

Get it off, please.

These things happen in the best of
studios.

This ain't the best of studios.

Hiya, baby.

Show your Ma 38s and show me yours.

What was your mother a jockey?

Wait, I don't think he died of grief.

Cole, I'm calling you. You calling me,
Kincaid?

I'm calling you, Cole.

Then go for your guns. Hold everything.

Now I'm going to get you for killing my
brother. You...

what your washing machine is, whether
it's the bend point, the hot wash, or

new robins. What was that for?

Well, I didn't know you were going to
move. I'm sorry.

Can we go again?

Hey, bartender, give me a beer, will
you?

have you know my grandpappy was an old
guerrilla fighter.

What was your grandmommy? An old
guerrilla?

You kidding me?

Well, I reckon I'll hit the trail now.

Is that the throne?

Not quite, but clean and bright.

Yes, she's been using Percy.

It shows.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Good evening.

I'd like now to show you some of my 71A
style.

This one here, as you can see, it's had
the full crimping and backcombing. It's

quite enchanting, isn't it?

Over here, this one is more nonchalant,
more evocative of the youth of today.

It is mine.

only person he had with him was a young
22 -year -old lieutenant.

Then he turned to this lieutenant and he
said, whatever you do, don't take

prisoners. He found quite a guy, Carl.

She put me right off, then.

Oh, I didn't know she was so strong.

A nice clear soup.

And it has been done now, Johnny, dear.
And it has been used after the good

pieces. But not now, dear. Not now,
dear. And it comes out nice.

And smooth.

And...

Let

me talk to you. About that.

Cole!

I'm calling you.

You calling me, Kincaid? I'm calling
you, Cole.

Then go for your guns!

I don't know.

George. You've got to crouch more.

Down. I went down.

Cut it. Cut it.

I went. Get down.

I went down, George. Again. Go on.

What about my feet?

What the hell was that? He jumped, man.

You might have paid.

It requires, of course, just a little
pinch of salt and a soup son, which, by

the way, is not French for soup spoon,
of cayenne pepper.

And, um, Johnny, could you get the
cayenne pepper, please? Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to
welcome to the

show the lovely Nanette.

I feel so high, me oh my, feel like
moving.

Round goes the ceiling,

looks like I'm feeling high.

High as a kite in the night, feeling

happy.

Singing is easy right now.

me to see just what happens.

Bells started ringing.

Everyone singing like now.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la.

La la la la la la. So turn me up, turn
me down to the music.

Look at me.

I am free. Can't you see we can go?

La la la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la la.

Is this your foot?

Pardon? Does this foot belong to you?

Oh, this book.

It's a book. That is a book?

Yes. I thought it was a foot.

Silly me.

What then is foot?

That's a foot.

No, that is shoe.

Surely that is shoe.

That is a shoe. That is a shoe. And that
is a foot. And that is a foot.

Learning all the time.

I know another one.

Knee. That is a knee.

No, no, no. That's a knee.

Yeah, that is a knee. Masculine knee.

Feminine knee.

That's a knee. Could I have my... Oh,
I'll give you back your foot.

No, no, no. Shoo, shoo, shoo.

Learning all the time.

I must write down the new word I learn.
The professor says, when you get a new

word, write it down.

And he says, I want the right and red
and right. I don't want the right and

and rotten.

That's what he says to the professor.

See, I have left my foot at home. My
book. My book at home. Never mind, I

remember. When I get a new word, it goes
straight up here in my bum.

This is your head? No, this is my head,
and that is your head.

Ah, this is my head, and that is your
head.

Learning all the time.

What is bum?

Well, it's not a nice word. We don't say
it. What do you say?

Well, we say bottom.

Don't say bum, say bottom.

What is a bottom?

Well, it's a... It's sort of... Oh, it's
a naughty one.

Oh, it's a naughty one. Bottom.

Very, very well.

This is my bottom.

This is my bottom.

That is your bottom.

Learning all the time.

What watch is it?

Pardon? Have you the correct watch on
you?

Oh. Oh, sit. 60 what?

Such much?

I shall go across the park now to the
cafe and have fish and chips.

Do you like our fish and chips? No, I
hate your fish and chips, but that's the

only thing I know how to ask for.

There are other things besides fish and
chips. What do you think of steak and

kidney pudding?

Oh, Kate and Sidney who?

Steak and kidney pudding.

The steak and kinky pudding.

Kidney. You're kidding me, pudding.

You're kidding me, pudding.

Kidney. Pudding.

Pudding.

Pudding. Pudding.

Pudding, I'm sorry. That was naughty. I
must not do that. I'm sorry. I couldn't

help it.

I like you.

I do.

I like you bust.

He mustn't say that.

Why not? It's true. Of all the girls I
meet in London, I like you bust.

I know. You mean Beck.

Beck. That is more good.

Yes. Ah.

What is, boss?

I don't think I want to explain that. I
have said, I have upset you.

I have said naughty words. I'm trying,
I'm always doing that.

It's all right. No, no, no, no.

Don't worry. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm a terrible man. I always, every time
I open my mouth, I put my foot in it.

It's terrible.

No, no, no, no. I should go across to
the cafe and have fish and chips by

myself. Well, look.

Why didn't you come back to my place? I
couldn't do that. Look, I've got enough

here for two.

What would your mother and father say?

I live on my own.

Look, there's a 51 bus.

There's a 51 bus. If we hurry, we can
make it.

Naked? Why do you say naked?

No, no, make it. Make it? Get on the
bus. Get on the bus, make it. Ah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. What is naked?

I'll explain that when we get there.
Yeah, yeah, that's good, that's good.

German?

Polish?

No, I come from Bradford.

Only, you see, if I don't talk foreign,
I'm getting out.

Good night,

darling. Good night.

Sorry,

darling, I forgot me fags.

Night, George.

author of Love, Bread and Crumpets, View
Up the Flu, I Was a Witch Doctor's

Clerk, and more recently the science
fiction novel The Thing Without a Thing,

talks about his new book. But first of
all, a visit to Dimpton -on -Sea's new

culture complex.

A Rembrandt. Oh, yes, no doubt about
that.

The sweeping lines, you know.

Isn't that a Picasso?

Not the Chipolata, that is.

Oh, that? Oh, that? Yes, yes. Oh,
that'll be him, you know.

He had a few when he done that, didn't
he?

Painting during his blue period.

You could see he wasn't happy when he
done that.

You couldn't tell.

Oh, so sorry.

Good evening.

Good evening.

A marvellous hour here in this
particular art development with the

himself, Fred Scott.

Good evening, sir. Good evening,
viewers.

Good evening. Good evening, Mr. Scott.
Now, tell me, Mr. Scott, which of these

paintings here is your favourite?

Without any doubt at all, sir. That one
there, sir. And painted by... I did that

one, sir. Didn't miss that one.

But isn't that a Rubin? Where? Oh, that!

Yeah, that's a Rubens. Yeah, that's a
Rubens. I was talking about that one,

I don't let myself down, you know.

They're both very nice, aren't they?
They both seem to have, you know, a

certain charm, you know. I think this
one has more to say, though.

It's very popular, that one, you know.

I did it from memory.

I did, yes.

Well, Mr.

Scuttle, what can you tell us about
Rubens?

Rubens, sir, Edward Everett Rubens, sir,
was born...

And when he grew up, sir, he became an
artist, you see, sir. And he's a

you see, sir. And he painted these
lovely, luscious, beautiful, on cloud,

completely naked... You're dribbling,
sir.

Ladies. You do understand?

Yes, I do understand. Yes, that is it,
sir, you see.

And it's a wonder he had any time for
any work in this, sir.

I don't know what he did there. You see,
he painted them like that, sir,

because, you see, he was a figurist. He
was a traditionalist.

He was a dirty old man, sir.

I mean, him over here, sir.

Rembrandt. Rembrandt. Johann Sebastian
Rembrandt.

He could have painted nude ladies, sir,
but he preferred to paint old men with

beards. What would you call him? A twit.

I'm only joking, of course. I'm a bit of
fun with these artists, you know.

Like old Van Gogh, sir.

Anything you said to Van Gogh went in
one ear and stayed there.

Why was that?

He cut his ear off, didn't he? He cut
his ear off and sent it to his young

you see, sir. Yes, of course.

Why do you think he did that?

Well, that's what I know.

That's exactly why you hear from us,
sir.

I'll tell you, sir, there are a funny
lot of these artists, you know. They're

very bohemian, you know. Bohemian, they
are.

They have little peccadillos.

I find that hard to believe, sir.

Especially him, who painted half of us.

Aren't they those scaly things that
David Attenborough brings back from

Paranoia, sir? No, no, no, I think
you're getting confused. No, those are

armadillos. Armadillos, yes.

Armadillos, yes. I see, sir, yes. Now
tell me, why do you think so many modern

paintings are quite so bizarre?

I mean, for instance, where are
today's... Portrait painters.

Well, sir, all I can answer you with
that is where are today's models, sir? I

mean, nowadays, sir, we're becoming the
lookalike people, sir.

Everybody's face is the same.

They all go to work together, sir. They
all go to bed together.

Well, they go to work together anyway,
sir. I mean, everybody's becoming the

same. There's no individuality, sir.
Like, look, let me give you an example.

Over here, sir. Look at that. The
moaning Lisa, sir.

I mean, look at that face, sir. You
could almost hear her talk, sir. What is

saying?

My girdle is killing me.

That's what we always say, sir. I'm only
joking, sir. And over here, sir, the

laughing cavalier, old sir.

I mean, where would you get a face like
that?

I've just seen it, sir. What? Come into
the light, sir. Yes, I'm sorry. God, I

couldn't see the wood for the trees.
I've just seen your head, sir. Yes? And

your face.

Oh, it's a little bit of face fungus on
that face, sir. You'd be a dead ringer

for that one over there, sir. Oh,
really? You would, really. You've got

of face an artist loves, sir. It's a
challenge.

You see, sir, it's funny without being
vulgar.

You do understand?

It looks like it's worn out two bodies.

It's that sort of a face and those
delicate aqua -long features, sir. Could

just turn your head a little to the
side? Just a little bit more, a little

more. There we are. That's lovely, sir.
You like my profile?

No, you've been eating garlic. It's
knocking me out of it.

I could get you a bit of modelling here,
you know, sir.

Modelling? Yes.

Three bob an hour, you know. Three
shillings an hour? Yes, sir. Is that

Well, that's all we pay Miss Timpton on
sea, sir. And she's barefoot all over

for that.

Three shillings an hour? Yes, sir.

I mean, how can she live on that?

Well, that and her old age pension, sir.

She does very well indeed, sir. Yes.

Well, indeed. Now, Mr.

Scott, I believe in this arts complex
you have a very marvellous concert hall.

Oh, we do. With a concert every night of
the week. Every day. I tell you what,

for the young in heart, for the
swingers, for the kids, for the way -out

Gypsy Fred and the South Shield
Syncopators, sir.

Featuring their gypsy vocalists.

You'd go potty, sir. Oh, long black
hair, sir, bare shoulders, low cut

golden earrings, a lovely fella, sir.

You'd love him, sir. And he swings, he's
with all the modern numbers, you know,

sir. Oh, you should hear him do, you
made me love you, you woke me up to do

you woke me up to do it.

All them swinging, you were going a bit
there, sir, you were going a bit, I saw

that.

But what?

And there we leave the Dimpton complex
and return you to the studio. With the

closing of the Variety Theatre, the art
of the quick -change artist became a

thing of the past. But here at least is
one... Here at least is one person who's

keeping alive this most unusual
occupation.

Now, Mr Speedy Zapper, you are a
director, producer, writer, and now

-change artist.

Tell me, how do you do all these things?

Brilliantly. Tell me, what made you take
up this unusual occupation of quick

change artist?

As a protest against my family, they
have two speeds, dead slow and stop.

My father moves like a nudist trying to
climb a barbed wire fence.

My sister went out with a sailor, and
before she could say I'm not that kind

a girl, she was.

My young brother, I said, where's my
book? He said, it's over there.

No, he said, it's over there. I said, if
you can show me anything lazier than

that, I'll give you ten shillings. He
said, put it in there.

Well, I never did. Now, I understand
that some of your quick changes are so

that they cannot actually be seen by the
naked eye.

Well, I suppose if you mean something
like this, then yes, yes, I do.

I must say, that really is remarkable.
It is, isn't it? Is it also true that

not only change costumes sometimes, but
also character?

Yes. Would you like to see me?

Yes, I would indeed. Right, you are. Off
we go.

I wonder how many of you recognize who
this is.

I put this...

I'll have you know, my dear, my

father made the Brooklyn Bridge.

My father made the Empire State
Building.

What did your father ever make?

What did my father ever make?

Look me over, big boy. Just look me
over.

They were loving Mary from the dairy.

But Mary didn't fall in love with me.
Here, now. Now, here's one. Here, now,

listen. Listen.

Here. Jack and Jill went up the hill for
a little Yankee Panky.

Jill came down with half a crown. He
must have been a Yankee. There's one,

he?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you my
most popular request.

It's beef.

my most difficult impression.

Bye -bye, Blue.

Oh, I can't keep that up much longer.
Not at my age.

Oh, I feel better now.

Well, good night, Mr. Morley.

Thank you, and good night, Speedy
Zapper.

And good night, everyone.

It made my sad heart sing.

It was the loveliest hand I've ever
held.

Four aces and a king.

I hadn't finished.

Thirty days have September, April, June
and November.

All the rest have 31.

It's so unfair.

Roses are red and violets are blue.

So goes the age -old rhyme.

But I know roses are blue and violets
are red. I've seen them hanging on a

Just three of the... Oh, of the
collected poems of East End poet John

under the title, Life is Like a Double
Bed.

Why did you call it that?

Well, I've always believed that it's
true of life. It's probably the most

profound statement I've ever made in my
life, you know. All the things that,

like, a gun and a posterior and all
that, you know, and all the phrases

And all that, you know, I think it's the
most meaningful thing I've ever said.

Life is like a double bed.

Why?

Why what?

Why is life like a double bed?

Well, if you're going to bleed and argue
about it, life ain't like a double bed,

is it?

You know, don't get your knickers in a
twist. I'm only talking, you know, you

know.

Mr. Bossom, you've got this reputation
for not conforming, for being a bit of a

rebel. Do you feel this is due to your
upbringing, your background?

Yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah. Because,
like, my whole family, we don't conform,

you know. I mean, why should you?

We won't be dictated to, you know. We go
our own way, do our own thing, you see.

I mean, that's what it's about, man,
isn't it? You know, like my mum, she's a

rebel. My mum cooks with Kerrygold.

And, you know, some mornings, like, when
we like having coffee, we just have it,

you know. Just have a coffee, just like
that, you know.

When we don't shake the jar and listen
to the grandmothers.

Unless we feel like it. We do, you know.
We get that nice Jamaican lady from

next door to come and, you know, jiggle
a bottle on us.

But we don't feel like it, you know. I
mean, the thing is, you see, if you

conform like nowadays, you know, people
think there's something wrong with you,

don't they? I mean, I've got a long
hair, haven't I? You know.

Well, you've got long hair as well. I
mean, you ain't a fella, are you?

Anyway, I mean, they see me walking down
the road with long hair, they think,

aye, aye, you know, they think straight
away that I'm a smoked addict.

A smoked addict.

You know, I'm a partner all the time,
don't I?

Then they find out me name's Bottom.

Well, that's a stupid name to give a
kid, isn't it? Bottom.

It's neither one thing nor the other.

And then when they find out...

Then when they find out I'm a poet, I
mean, they think, aye, aye, you know,

hair and a poet, aye, aye, I get livid.
You know, I could eat them with my own

bag sometimes.

With all this ready -made entertainment
available at the touch of a button, do

you think there still exists within
people the urge to write?

Well, all I can say to that, darling, is
walls.

You look at a whitewashed wall anywhere
in London, it ain't whitewashed for

long, is it? I mean, the grubby little
pencils are out.

scribbling on there, Kilroy was here.

Happy New Year to all our readers.

I mean, there's probably as much feeling
gone into

Fred Fancy's flow than the old of
Charles Dickens, Romeo and Juliet.

I mean, I'll tell you, I think it's a
lovely book. I'll tell you, there's a

and brush up in Chatham.

I've never read poetry like it.

It's beautiful.

It's a meter. It scans.

It's poetic. You know, one or two
spelling mistakes.

And some of them illustrated.

Lovely. Shows vivid imagination in that.

It's a beautiful sight. It really is.
You should go and have a look. Oh, you

can't, can you?

But it really is beautiful there. Why do
you suppose that they find inspiration

in a place like that?

The solitude.

The magic of the moment.

This feeling of being cut off.

I mean, how can you define me in
tangerines?

Mr. Barton, may we now have a poem from
your new book? Right, yeah. This book is

called Now Is The Winter Of My
Discotheque.

And this poem sums up for me in its
entirety all the superfluency of modern

living and everyday affairs and all
that.

The soldier sat in the army jail and his
mother had brought him a puddin'.

But the sergeant said it was against the
rules, even though it was a good 'un'.

Then he saw the look in the mother's
eyes and he knew she was feeling hurt.

So he did a thing he thought he'd never
do. He upped a soldier to dessert.

The soldier got hold of his pudding.

And he ran with it back to his cell.

Then, put out your pudding for... He
heard the sergeant yell.

If you want treacle on your pudding...

Put it out without delay.

The soldier put out his pudding.

And the sergeant took it away.

Thank you, Mr. Barton.

At the recent

Samuel Pepys exhibition, No fewer than
eight complaints were received that the

Samuel Peete Singers did not appear. So
we're going to put things right now, and

here are the eight Samuel Peete Singers.

Your mate has took a room down at the
village inn. Her bedside light is oh so

bright and the curtains oh so thin.

At nine o 'clock she enters the room, at
half past nine she sleeps.

Lord Clarendon walks quickly on, but
naughty Samuel peeps.

On Tuesday night I kissed her hand, oh,
I was very keen.

It was eleven inches long, the biggest
hand I've seen.

But as I kissed that hand, I thought
into my mind was foot.

If that hand had been one inch longer,
I'd have kissed the foot.

I said, pray tell me, what would you do
if you fell in the sea one day?

Would you tear all your clothes off so
that you might swim away?

She said, I would keep my blouse on,
that's the method I'd employ.

For the air gets underneath it, and it
acts just like a boy.

Oh, we know it's right, it's black and
white, and it's all written down in the

diary. Oh, we know it's right, it's
black and white, and it's all written

in the diary.

gentlemen very much indeed and that's
all we've time for now but we look

to seeing you all again very very soon
till then bye bye

Just a girl.