Original subtitles

Rubber balloons.

Get your lovely rubber balloons.

Rubber balloons.

Get your lovely rubber balloons.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness. What's the matter? Rubber hands.

Rubber face.

Rubber face.

Rubber balloons.

Welcome to the Benny Hill Show. And here

is Benny Hill.

nine carats to remind me of the ring I bought for you.

Some mint for all the lovely things we mint to do.

A lettuce because your mum and dad would not let us alone.

I won't put in the truffles. You've got truffles of your own.

An hearty joke with a hearty joke your father used to tell. And as he was a

Welshman we'll have a leek as well.

And your cousin, the religious one, don't sanctimony us.

For him some loaves and fishes because that's all he ever does.

And there's a heartache and a memory and just a tear or two in a broken -hearted

lover's tune.

There is a swede for the Scandinavian man you left for me. An egg, because you

used to egg me on incessantly. And your little baby brother, what a messy little

kid. For him, some wine and water, because that's all he ever did.

Oh, I was fond of olives, and you liked herbs, I know. I gave up seeing olives,

but herbs didn't want to go.

So for the man who won you, there is one thing I must do. Put in some sage and

onions, because he wants nothing too.

With a heartache and a memory and just a tear or two, eat a broken -hearted

lover's stew.

And now for some more examples of that look number seven. You know, that look

that you get when something totally unexpected happens.

Your mistress tells me you're too sick to do the housework. Is that right?

Oh, no, doctor, I'm no sick. But she owes me 45 shillings in back wages.

I'm no moving from this bed till I get my 45 shillings.

She owes me £8 .10.

Move over.

No, I'm wearing black for my poor departed husband.

How long has he been gone?

Ten minutes.

He went back to one.

No, my dear, you haven't got Asian flu.

You've got Egyptian flu.

You're going to be a mummy.

What do you want?

I was wondering, Mr.

Beckenheimer, if there's a part of me in your new show.

I don't know.

Show us your legs.

Gladys, I can't chat to you now. It's my wedding night.

I'll call you back in five minutes.

Oh, I do wish my husband wouldn't leave his slippers.

time of year when we're all booking up for our summer holidays.

So when... I thought that I would come along and see... I thought I'd

come and see the cut -price holiday king himself.

Yes, you guessed it. Fred Scuttle. Good evening, sir.

Good evening, viewers. Happy holidays!

Good evening, Mr. Scuttle.

Now, Mr. Scuttle, if I was to come to you and say that I had a month's

holiday... Yes, sir. And only £7 to spend, could you tell me where to go?

I would advise you to take our 28 days of Thien Son on the French Riviera, sir.

The French Riviera? On the Riviera, yes. But I've only got seven pounds,

remember? I understand, sir. You work for Thien's Television, don't you?

right, yes.

I get a lot of them in here, you know.

Mr. Scott, you know, it's amazing how you manage to keep your prices so low.

do you do it? By keeping our overheads down and our undercarriage upside.

I would fly, would I? We have our own aeroplane, sir. Do you really? Yeah,

outside, sir, yes. It's a good one. It's an ex -Air Force plane, sir. Oh, it was

used during the war?

Yes, yes. But as soon as the war was over, I got it, and they all worked on

You got in there before anyone else? Oh, within two days of the Kaiser signing

the armistice, I had it.

It's a first World War plane, a biplane.

At the moment, yes, sir.

If we get a stiff breeze during the night, it'll be a monoplane for more.

Yes, indeed.

Now, now...

Tell me, Mr Scuttle, what kind of people go on these tours of yours?

Adventurous types, I would say.

Yes, sir, you know, I mean, one second, sir, I mean, they're on the ground, sir,

and then they hear the cry, contract, turn her over, fags out, chocks away.

No, they don't mind the sweets, sir.

And then they're up in the air with the wind whistling round their fuselage,

sir, bobbing about like a buffer wind in a colander there.

And where do you land?

I aim the plane at a place called Poker, sir. Poker? Yes, sir.

Once or twice we've actually landed there, sir. At the airport?

Not necessarily.

Usually we land on the municipal tennis court, sir. The tennis court?

How do you land in such a short space?

They leave the net up.

Mr. Scuttle. Yes. Do you run this holiday business of yours entirely on

own? No, sir.

I have Miss Goose, then.

Yes, I do.

She is your secretary.

Well, you might say. Yeah, I suppose so, yes.

Like as well.

Like as well as what? As well as...

Being our air hostess, you see. Oh, she straps them in.

There's no need to do that, sir. Now,

what amenities are there for the holidaymakers when they arrive?

Well, there's everything, sir. There's fishing or tennis.

Fishing and tennis? No, fishing or tennis, sir. We usually say net, you

Then, of course, there's Monsieur Alphonse, always on hand, so he looks

them, sir, runs the excursion coach, everything he does. How old is he? He's

sir. He looks after them, sir. He gets the gratuities? In the cold weather,

And he takes them around in the coach. They take them to Montelimar, sir. They

stop at Madame Paulette's.

For a bit of nougat?

No, it's only a cafe, sir.

As far as I know, sir. No, no, you misunderstood me, Mr. Scuttle. I mean,

go there to sample the local sweetmeats. What they do when they're off the coach

is no concern.

It doesn't come under my jurisprudence anything whatsoever.

It's not a no -no. No, they have what is known as the gâteau de jour. And what

is that?

Whatever happens to be on the pastry shelf at the time.

Mr. Scuttle.

Which would you say is your best bargain in holiday tours? I would say, sir, our

Eastern Promise tour, sir. Eastern Promise. Yes, sir. I have discovered

utilising the services of a fleet of ex -army surplus Dutch bull barges... Yes.

..third -class night economy Trans -Siberian cattle trucks... Yes.

..and a fleet of swift -moving, love -starved Bessarabian dromedaries...

I can get a passenger into Outer Mongolia for £4 .10, sir.

How about that? And do they enjoy it?

I don't know. They never won't come back to me.

I suppose they must enjoy it. You'd be fancy a trip.

You're looking a bit peaky.

Harriet,

you know, the other day... old grandpappy Blooper, he was milking this

cow, you know, pulling things down like that.

And this year a city slicker come up to him and he said, hey old -timer, can you

tell me the time?

So he stopped to pull them and he started to lift them.

And he said, I'll tell you the time. He said, I'll tell you, it's about five

after four.

So he said, now how can you tell that it's five after four just by lifting

things of hers?

He says, well, if I lift them high enough.

I can see the clock across the room.

Oh, wow.

And this old cow, Grandpappy, she up and died one day, you know, and he went to

the veterinary and he said, how come that old cow of mine died?

And he said, well, Grandpappy, I reckon she just pined away.

He said, how could a cow pine away?

He said, well, look, he said, you've been pulling them things of hers for now

and two years.

Did you ever once ever think to tell her you loved her?

Old Grandpappy Blooper, he'd give me a book for Christmas.

Unlike ordinary books, it was a psychopathy.

That's like different, you know. That's full of learning.

Ooh, that's full of learning. That's full of things like about, tells you

the ancient Greeks.

Because there's like mythical, you know. Like men, there wasn't all that.

There's a whole lot of them. There was the youths and Andy Rockles.

An old dodgy knee.

And there was one giant, and he only had one eye right in the middle of his

head. He was called Sarcocleps.

Then there was Pythagoras. Now, Pythagoras had a theorem, and it hurt.

And he invented arithmetic and algebra and trigonometry because he hated

children. And he just couldn't bear them.

I come out on top of there.

And old Pod Thackers, he's in the bath one day when he discovered something.

And I forget what it was.

Well, it's just a little thing.

And he get out the bath and he running down the road and there's some workmen

sitting by the side of the road. They was like eating onion soup and garlic

sausage and stuff like that. And he went up and he said, Eureka!

Eureka! And they say, you don't smell so darn good yourself.

And he said, no, Eureka, I have it. I have it.

And they told him what to do with it.

And then tells you in the encyclopedia, tells you in the encyclopedia about the

Chinese. You know, so many people living in China today, and the population of

China is increasing so fast that if all the people who's living in China today

was to start marching for a breast, that they'd deep.

Past this here building, by the time they got to the end of the column, there

would be another generation marching behind them.

Now, what I want to know is, if they march in, whoo -wee, there'd be some

diggity -dodgers there, wouldn't there?

Wouldn't there be some little diggity -dodgers?

Right there, I'm going to sing at you.

I've got Pete Paul from Kelty to join in.

Why do they call her evil when she's always so kind and so good?

My heart belongs to Rachel, the gypsy in the woods.

Oh, let us play at hide -and -seek. One day she gaily cries.

Oh, close your eyes and count to fifth death while I go and hide.

And if you find me, I will let you have your way with me.

And if you cannot find me, I'll be right behind that tree.

My heart

belongs to Rachel, the gypsy of

the woods. She said, now, if a snake should bite you, don't you worry, scream

shout. Just send for me, and I'll be there, and I'll suck the poison out.

I said, suppose I sit on one and it gets me in the end.

He said, that's when you'll find out that I'm a real true friend.

My heart

belongs to Rachel, the gypsy in the wood.

Oh, Rachel, I've seen you with your lover down by the cabbage patch.

His hair was long and black, and he had fingernails to match.

Oh, you promised you would be faithful, but you treated and you were untrue.

But if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it all over you.

I don't know why they call you evil. You're wicked and you're no good.

No more will I see Rachel.

There now, what bloody good's that done you?

Look, it's down here, isn't it? Hey, we're in the empty house.

There's the bank.

There's the safe. I'm only going to make a hole in the wall. I know, but... The

safe's there, I tell you. Put me hand through.

I can peel the handle.

One quick turn down.

Thank

you

very much.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for some more of those terrible moments of

television when things go wrong.

Rather like the man who came home one day and found his wife. Oh, nasty.

Yes, I've had it. You know I have.

Gave it to friends.

Not with my wife, you don't.

We've got to do the other end. Hang on, hang on to that one.

There we are. That's done it.

Come back a bit. There, that's a very good job. Have you got any fags on you?

Because I think, you know, a little smoke, we're in touch.

Don't need lots of soapy water.

Oh, no.

One sort of splash gets the floor clean and bright in no time.

Good evening.

Will you join me for an hour and a half of music and fun from the Theatre Rock?

I'm sorry.

I'm

sorry,

John. I didn't think...

Black currant juice.

We wash one in a high -priced detergent, the other in Fair Deal Ben.

Result? Not a hapeth of difference.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to welcome to the show Fisher Noble.

I'm ready to go, I'm standing here outside your door I hate to

wake you up to say goodbye But the dawn

is breaking, it's early morn Taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn

Already I'm so lonesome I could cry

Tell me that you'll wait for me Hold me like you'll never

let me go I'm leaving

on a jet plane I don't know when I'll be back again

Oh, babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down

I sing for you

when I come back.

the time has come to leave you one more time let me kiss you then close

your eyes I'll be on my way

dream about the days to come when

I won't have to leave alone about the time I won't have

to pay

to go.

Opportunity is knocking.

One week running.

Here is the man who made it all possible, Huey Cream.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you tremendously, ladies and gentlemen. It's wonderful to

here. Now, excuse me, but who did you, who did you, the viewers, vote for on

last week's show? Your vote just really counts. It really does. It really does,

ladies and gentlemen.

was that wonderful acrobatic olive stuffer, the guy named Ted Tingle.

And in second place was that wonderful, wonderful Lincolnshire lion tamer,

Claude Bottom.

But in first place, and coming through the door of opportunity right now, is

man with the educated throat, the man who sang that wonderful, very difficult

sing, Marion McKeever's click song. Here he is coming through the door of

opportunity now. I

Has anything interesting, exciting happened to you at all?

Yes, Huey, the wife had twin.

A boy and a girl.

Anything else?

No, just a boy and a girl.

Well,

off you go now, Ivor.

Ivor's going off now to sing the song that he sang last week, that very, very

difficult to sing song with the throat noises, the Marion McKeever's click

So we're going to hear now how Ivor clicks with all the girls.

What do you mean?

Uncle Bob Sharpie and the boys. Yeah.

So here is Ivor Burroughs with Marion McKeever's click song. Yes, Ivor

Burroughs.

Thank you tremendously, ladies and gentlemen, for the wonderful voice of

Burroughs. I have sitting beside me a very charming young lady. Do you mind if

ask your name?

I beg your pardon, will you speak up, please? Frida Carsey.

Can I call you Frida?

I'd like to.

Tell me, Frida, do you, um, do you, uh, what do you do for work? What sort of

work do you do? I don't work. I'm a housewife.

You don't work because you're a housewife?

Well, I think the housewives do work. I think the housewives of this country

work darn hard, don't you?

Oh, come on, let's hear it for the housewife.

I really work hard. I really do.

Now, then,

tell me, Peter, do you have any hobbies?

I collect buttons.

You collect buttons?

That's most exciting.

Tell me, how many do you have?

2 ,000.

Oh, I've never collected buttons.

Home ones and China ones?

I've never collected buttons.

Oh, like the metal ones?

I've never collected buttons. There's no flies on me.

But you can see where they've been.

Tell me, Freda, who are you going to introduce us to?

Fred and the Sophisticate. Is Fred a friend of yours?

No, he's my son -in -law.

We want to hear from them. We want to see them. And here they are.

Fred and the Sophisticate.

For whom opportunity.

It's a bit romantic.

Every word you hear is like a lover's kiss.

I see the breezes flying in the trees

above.

They seem to me to be saying we were meant.

Romantic, merely to the young, on such a night as this. It's

romantic.

Every word you hear is like a lava.

Isn't it romantic?

Isn't it romantic?

Well, there we have it, ladies and gentlemen. For lovers of acrobatic

don't forget to vote, vote, vote for Fred and the Sophisticate.

Fred and the Sophisticate.

I'll spell that for you.

F -R -E -D.

I have beside me a very distinguished looking young man. May I ask your name,

sir? Iva Bunyan.

Oh, have you? No, that's my name.

Who are you going to introduce this to?

Peter Long. He's impressionist. I see. He does impersonation. All day and all

night. Half the time his wife don't know who she's sleeping with.

The other night it was Richard Burton.

Last night they went to sleep and married.

Well, we want to see him. We want to hear him. And so for Peter Long and

partner, opportunity is knocking.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to imagine, if you will, that I'm throwing

big Hollywood party.

And look who's over there.

It's none other than Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lawrence.

No, no, wrong, wrong, wrong.

So tell me, Peter, did you manage to get to Casablanca?

No.

that you didn't get at the maker of film.

No.

Life, Peter, is very cheap in Casablanca.

And so you shall die with this pistol I have in my pocket with a silencer on the

end.

How could you do a thing like this to me?

I was your friend.

Then we teach you to cross the Maltese falcon.

I thank you, Peter Long and Partners, for some really fine impersonation. They

really were for us, right, weren't they?

And I think the Bob Sharpie and the boys in the orchestra, they deserve a little

round of applause. Yeah, come on, I said, for some really fine

That's enough.

Don't give them too much. They want more money.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, once again, it's salute time.

Yes, we are saluting Abernest.

The city of Aberneth up there in Bonniskullen.

And I was up there recently myself with the English ladies football team.

And we... Come on, then. Yeah, all right. Let's hear it for the ladies

team.

And while I was up there, I visited the city of Aberneth. And it is really a

very, very beautiful and wonderful city to come from. And I'm proud and

privileged tonight to have with us in the studio...

One of the councillors there, Alderwoman Makepeace.

Hello there!

Tell me, Alderman... I nearly called you Alderman then. I'm very

sorry. Alderwoman. I don't think we've... Have we on the... I don't think

we've... I don't think I've ever had an Alderwoman.

You try it sometimes.

They don't yell. They don't tell them. They're so grateful.

All right.

Tell me, will I be right in saying that ten years ago, Abernest was really

little more than a village, just a little, very small village?

We had to widen the main road to put a white light on the centre.

Tell me, who are you going to introduce here? Slim Whitmore and the Hurricanes.

I see. Tell me, where did you first see them performing?

At a fancy dish bowl that my husband organised, you know. He came to music at

midnight, played the violin in his pyjamas.

And the string broke.

He went out walking backwards in a hot -coated van. We want to see it and we

want to hear it. That's our lazy villain.

For Slim Whitmore and the Thunderbirds.

Opportunities.

You can hear the upbeats pound as they raced across the ground.

And the rattle of the wheels as they went round and round.

And he galloped him to Market Street, his badge upon his chest. His name was

Ernie. And he drove the fastest milk cart in the West.

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue. She lived all alone in Lilly Lane

at number 22.

They said she was too good for him. She was awfully proud and chic.

But Ernie had his cocoa there three times every week.

fastest milk cart in the West.

She said she'd like the bathing milk.

He said, all right, sweetheart.

When he finished work that night, he loaded up the cart.

He said, do you want it pasteurized? Because pasteurized is best.

She says, Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest.

That's it, good Ernie.

And he drove the fastest milk cart in the West.

Now, Ernie had a rival, an evil -looking man, called Two -Ton Ted from

Teddington, and he drove the baker's van.

He tempted Sue with his trickle tarts and his tasty oatmeal bread, and when

saw the size of his hot meat pies, it very near turned away.

He went on the make with his dundee cake, and he said, if you treat me

you'll have hot roll every morning and crumpets every night.

He knew when she'd seen his macaroons, he'd have his wicked way, and all Ernie

had to offer... was a point of milk a day.

Poor Ernie.

Baby!

Drove the fastest milk cart in the West.

Ah!

One lunchtime take saw Ernie's awesome cart outside her door.

It drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four, and as he leapt

down from his van, hot blood to his veins did course, and he went across to

Ernie's cart, and he did not kick his ass.

There's no card in the West.

Now, Ernie ran it into the street with his gold top in his hand.

He said, you want to marry Susie, you fight for her like a man.

Why don't we play cards for her, he sneeringly replied.

And just to make it interesting, we'll have a shilling on the side.

Now, Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun, they stood

there face to face. And Ted went for his bun.

the way Ted planned, and a strawberry -flavored yogurt sent his fin in from

ass.

Then soon she came between them, and she tried to keep them apart, and a three

-day -old rock cake for Ernie underneath it.

As he doubled up in agony, the concrete ardent crust of a stale meat pie caught

him in the eye, and Ernie bit the dust.

Poor Ernie.

Ernie!

And he froze the fastest milk cart in the West.

is full of fun in that very dairy land.

But a woman's needs are manifold.

And so she married Ted.

But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.

Was that the rustle of the leaves?

Or the creaking of the gates?

Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops?

Or Ratlin in their crate?

Thank you, thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for the exciting music of

Slim Whitmore and the Hurricane.

And now, it's make your face up time.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we bring back the artist for you to see.

And first of all, you heard the wonderful voice.

That wonderful man with the magic throat and sang that very difficult Marion

McKeever quick song. Here is Ivor Burroughs, who sang like this.

Oh, eh, ah, oh, ah, meh, ah, oh.

Yes, we had that wonderful acrobatic dancing.

One of the finest acrobatic dancing acts I think I've ever seen in my life.

And it was, of course, Fred and the sophisticate who performed for us.

I think.

Isn't it romantic?

And it's Fred and the sophisticate who get a very well -deserved...

27.

We next hear from that wonderful impressionist, Peter Longingpartner, who

impressed us.

But by no means least, ladies and gentlemen, we have the very, very

very, very exciting music of Flynn Whitmore and the Hurricanes, who sang

excitingly like this.

They called him Ernie.

Ernie! He drove the doctor's milk cart in the west.

The viewers here in the studio, the audience in the studio, send Ivor

the lead with a great 94.

But remember, it is you, the viewers at home. It is your vote that really

counts. They really do. So vote, vote, vote. Don't forget. And here's the

address to send your vote to.

It's Opportunities Knocking, 14A, The Hollies, Triple Bottom

Hurts.

Once more, here it is again. Get your pencils out.

107 Peabody Building, Council Flats, Park Lane, W. So don't forget, vote,

vote, vote, because we do want your votes to help these people up the

to stardom. And we really hope you're going to keep voting. And until we meet

again, look after yourselves. Goodbye and God bless.

I don't know.