All language subtitles for Benny Hill - s01e03

Blackmoor. This vast wasteland of bogs
and marshes has, over the last 17 years,

claimed no fewer than...

Good

evening,

ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the
Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, Benny Hill.

Now docked that in the emergency ward as
nervous as could be.

Nurse Colleen said, what's that there
just above your knee?

He said, oh that's me scorn, ma 'am. She
said, now there's a scream.

For ten whole minutes I've been trying
to give it a saucer of cream.

Colleen, Colleen, I'll make it for you.

Colleen, Colleen, my heart...

She rubbed me some with liniment and it
turned me some more red. I said, that

lady's smart, so she rubbed some on me
head.

And I couldn't eat things with me knife
and fork, she said, now never you mind.

She went and she got a celery stalk and
we rolled them down one at a time.

Colleen!

Colleen!

Oh, I'm making for you.

Colleen!

Breaking for you.

Now she's got a touch of the fell pest
and she acts in a very odd way. She

thinks that she's a chicken and she
cackles all the day.

Oh, thanks for the psychiatrist.

Her poor old father begs. But mom says
let the girl alone. You know we need the

eggs. Colleen.

Colleen.

Oh, I'm aching for you.

Colleen.

Now we've married and we've settled in
the cottage near about.

The bed, it is all broken and the spring
is sticking out. But when I recall

those nights together, me heart, it
wants to sing.

We kissed all through the winter and
made love right through the spring.

Colleen.

Colleen.

You know I'll make it for you.

Colleen.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you very much indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know, a lot of
people think that actors are vain and

conceited and self -centered, and they
are.

But if you saw one of them going for a
job, you wouldn't believe it.

Would you mind waiting outside, please,
where's the hall?

Thank you.

Hi, Harry.

Yeah. Yeah, a guy's just been for the
part.

Yeah. Oh, about 26, 27.

Dynamic.

Strong white teeth.

Slim hips.

Yeah, that's the part. The guy they sent
is 45 and fat.

Oh, I don't know, Harry. You look the
kind of seedy sort of...

Floppy, you know.

He's gonna look a mess when he gets his
clothes off.

Oh, yeah. He has to appear in the nude.

Harry, the whole second half of the
picture takes place in his bedroom.

And he's naked.

I tell you, he is completely naked.

So is the girl.

Yeah. Yeah, she's here now.

Oh, she's done this kind of thing
before.

I got a whole pile of photos of her in
the nude outside.

But, Harry, it's that kind of a picture.
We do and show everything.

There's this guy, see? He's a bit
backward. He's, you know, sitting in his

Now, that very day, this girl, who's a
nymphomaniac,

gets out of prison.

Having done five years.

Now, she goes into a chemist to get
something for a headache, and by

drinks a whole bottle of aphrodisiac.

Well, she passes this guy's room, and
through the open door, sees him getting

ready for bed.

Will you get a picture?

Oh, boy, what goes on in that room?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got his agent on the other eye.

Yeah. Richard?

Okay.

£50 a week?

I'll do it for £40.

We can afford £30. £25?

We can afford £25 a week. £15?

Hello,

dear. Sorry I'm late.

Has he seen you yet?

No, not yet, but I think it'll be all
right. Oh, good.

That's my girl.

I, uh, I got the job.

How much?

£10 a week.

That's not... That's all I could afford
to pay.

Well, this is the guy your lovely
actress will be working with. What do

think?

He'll do.

Oh, I think he's smashing.

Well, let's settle the details, shall
we?

Fine.

She's the best agent I've ever had.

It's my pleasure to introduce Luis
Alberto del Paraná and Los Paraguayos.

Thank you.

Very good.

Very good.

Ha ha ha.

Quelques instants, nous commençons notre
petit tour de Paris, voir des

monuments, des statues, peut -être des
cabarets avec des jolies femmes nues

dedans. Ça marche.

Oui, voilà, si, signores et signoras. En
cinq minutes, nous allons voir tous les

statues de Paris et les monuments, et
peut -être les filles belles.

Je ne sais pas, mais je crois.

Oh, madame.

Guten Abend, meine Damen und Herren.

In fünf Minuten, wir beginnen unsere
ganz kleine Tour auf Paris.

Wir sehen alle Statuen und alle
Monumenten.

Und vielleicht das ganze schöne Frau in
das Cabaret.

Mit der kleinen Kürze mit der großen
Böse.

Ja, mit einem ganz kleinen Stück
Streptease.

Der Busenhalter.

That is very good.

Hello, everyone.

In a very few minutes, we're going to do
a little tour of Paris and see all the

sights. I'm receiving great pleasure
that you have come to see us, you know,

go around Paris.

And evidentially, you're going to see
all the monuments. And maybe we finish

in the Pigalle and visit the cabarets
with the beautiful knackered women.

Ça marche, hein? Very good. And if you
have any questions to ask me, don't be

afraid to ask, because as you can see, I
speak very well all the languages.

And now,

ladies and gentlemen, the first
television presentation in this country

Getafe Ballet Company.

What is he supposed to be doing?

He's been locked up.

I'm not surprised.

Dressed like that.

Great Nancy.

I think he looks quite manly.

It's a question.

They're all the same, them ballet
dancers.

I mean, they're all like that.

Hiltman goes to ballet classes and he's
quite normal.

What, Cyril?

Normal? I tell you, he ain't.

Well, I know he is.

What did you say?

I'm watching.

Well, look, if he's normal, why is he
running away from her?

I mean, if she was in my cell, you
wouldn't catch me trying to escape.

I'd take me punishment like a man.

Look at old Wapser Fortnight.

Don't be vulgar in front of the child.

Well, she's not there.

No, it's in his mind.

He thinks she's there, but she's not.

Well, why do we have to have all this
old load of rubbish? I mean, why can't

have plays about ordinary people? I
mean, ordinary people like us.

Because, you see, we are your difficult
TV audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, on the Benny Hill
Show, it's a warm welcome for Miss Ira

Heath.

I'll sing to the sun in the sky.

I'll sing till the sun...

Carnival Day is here, magical time of
year.

And as the hour draws near,

dreams lift my heart.

I'll sing as I hear the guitar.

day to stay.

the day is here magical time of year

and as the hour draws near

It's carnival day and day.

which you, the viewers, must wonder
about, you know, about television.

I mean, take, for example, those
commercials where there's a girl taking

or a shower.

I mean, don't you ever wonder how
they're made and who was there and

what they were thinking?

Well, I did a commercial the other day,
and actually, on the set, in the studio

next to us, they were doing one of these
girl -in -the -bath commercials, you

know, so when I'd finished doing what I
was doing, you know, I sort of...

casually strolled over there at 65 miles
an hour.

And there was a very beautiful bath set,
you see, and there was a very nervous

director pacing up and down, and
suddenly through the door came the most

beautiful blonde -haired girl in her
trousers that you've ever seen in your

life. And he went straight up to her and
he said, Miss Hargreaves, are you ready

when you are?

Oh, we can't start till you're in the
bath, can we?

Yes, it's for the commercial, for soap.

The agency told you soup.

Well, I do assure you it is soap.

Bath soap.

People don't take a bath with their
clothes on, do they?

Yes, I realise it's extra money for
taking your clothes off, but I'm sure

firm would be happy to pay the extra.

And if they won't, I will.

I'll have a whip round amongst the lads
here, you see. Oh, only the essential

technicians will be here, my dear. As
you can see, like the...

Car park attendant to me.

Canteen manager, yes. Well, don't worry,
dear, because you will be under the

soapy water most of the time, you see.
Harry will put his hand in and froth the

water all up, you see, before you get
in, dear, yes.

Well, of course, if it goes flat while
you're in it, we'll just have to rely on

Harry's self -restraint, won't we?

Yes, he will be holding the handheld
camera on your back most of the time,

see. Only towards the end will he come
round and hold it on your face.

Yes, it will be on your face. It may be
shaking a little, but it will be on your

face, you see. Yes?

Well, if any scenes get in there that
are a little bit too risque, don't

we will cut them out and throw them
away.

You will? Fine. Will you go and change?

Righto, Harry, would you froth up the
water? No, do it now, Harry. That's

lovely. Right, Miss Hargreaves? Right,
you are in the bath. That's lovely.

Oh, you are a big girl, aren't you?

Just one thing, Miss Hargraves. Would
you mind taking your dressing gown off?

Flop it over the side. That's lovely.

All right, Harry, there's no need to
froth up the water. It's frothy.

You dropped your pen in there. Well,
we'll just have to leave it till later,

won't we? Here we go. Now, take one.

That's lovely. Now, pick up the soap,
dear. Cut, cut.

There's no need to stand up, Miss
Hargraves.

Well, why did you stand up?

You found Harry's pen.

You can give it to him afterwards.

Right, oh dear. Here we go. Now, take
two.

That's it. Crab round. Pick up the salt.
Hold it up. Hold up the soap. Right,

cut. Oh, splendid. Thank you, Miss
Hargreaves. You can go and change now.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, I see.

All right, thank you.

You'll never believe this, Miss
Hargreaves, but it was soup.

Yes, soup.

I've never heard of soup.

It was market day in the village, and
the crowds round the stalls was quite

dense. But what caught my eye was a
stall -piled eye with a musical

And up the stall come a little old man,
his clothes was all tattered and thin,

but his face come alight as his eyeballs
caught sight of a beautiful old violin.

He yelled it up to the dealer.

He said, how much is this one then? He
replied, that's a Stradivarius, my man,

that'll cost you four pound ten.

I can't afford that, said the little old
man, and a lump come into my throat.

I was feeling quite chuffed, and so I
stuffed in his hand a ten shilling note.

A crowd had gathered behind us, and I
quickly went round with his act. When I

finished, I'd found I'd collected five
pounds, so I took my ten shilling back.

Well, we gave the dealer the money, and
this old man, so shabbily dressed,

picked up the violin.

stuck it under his chin, and he played
like a man possessed.

He played fugues and cantatas, and orito
-toito -toitos too, by

composers like Johann Sebastian Bach, to
mention only a few.

He played waltzes by Strauss and Dee
Floydamore and Tales from the Vienna

Then Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto.

But he didn't play that quite so good.

Well done, cried the crowd when he'd
finished.

And they gently patted his head. But the
excitement was too much for the little

old man who unfortunately dropped down
dead.

Well, we give the feeler his diddle, the
dealer his fiddle.

Took back our money.

And then we picked up the old man, and
we laid him to rest in the cemetery down

by the glen.

But sometimes at night, when the moon do
shine bright, if I should happen to

stray up over the hill, it seems that
still I can hear the whole man play.

Yes, the words of that popular song ring
true, for though the old man is gone,

Yes, though the song is ended, the
malady lingers on.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. And now, ladies and
gentlemen, for some more of those awful

television moments which, when added
together, make up a director's

I'm warning you, Zacho.

You harm one hair on her body and I'll
break every bone in your head.

Hi, sweetie.

Come down to me.

Cut! I'm sorry.

Here we go, then.

Action!

Oh, Barnaby!

I'm just the happiest little ladle in
the... Oh, sorry, John.

No, it's OK. Keep running. Right, take
her out of here.

Action. Oh, Bodleby.

I'm just the... Oh, I'm so sorry, John.

Okay. Now,

are you okay? Yes, I'm okay now. Carry
on. It'll be all right.

Not tired?

No.

Oh,

Barnaby. I'm just the happiest little
lady in the whole...

Hi, sweetie.

See you down the pool, eh?

He likes you. He doesn't like me. What
have you got that I haven't?

A lot of viewers complain that in chat
shows on television, the same

interviewers are seen for year after
year. And what's more, the same guests

cropping up as well.

Well, here at Thames, we do like to give
newcomers a chance.

Now, here's Tommy Topper.

All righty.

Hello, everyone.

What is a mugwump?

A mugwump is a bird who sits on a fence
with its mug over one side and its wump

over the other.

There's one.

Did you hear about the actor who was so
conceited that he parked in lover's lane

by himself?

There's another one.

Or the actress, the actress who was so
dumb she couldn't add up to two without

taking off her blouse.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's
be serious for a moment because we

could... I'm falling for you tonight.

Well, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen,
we must be serious. This is a serious

matter. If... If you met somebody who
was 107 years old, I'm sure that you

have a lot of questions to ask him. And
I'm no different from anybody else. I

have a lot of questions to ask him. Here
he is, 107 years old today, Eric

Moulton from Kimberley.

These things do happen, ladies and
gentlemen.

If... If you met...

If I told you that three goals were
scored today on the Lambton football

I don't suppose it would really surprise
you. But when I tell you that they were

scored by the vicar of Lambton, I'm sure
you will be surprised. He's come along

here tonight direct from the changing
room. He's more than welcome. And here

is.

The Reverend Peter Wilby.

Whatever next?

Well... I... I feel

that we in the church should show that
we're just the same as everyone else.

I mean, that we're human.

I see.

Well, we all have our little
differences. I mean, as in industry,

think the important thing is to air
one's differences from time to time.

You know, um... Bring them out into the
open, so to

speak. Yes.

And, uh... As

for playing football... Yes. Well, I
often think that... Life.

Life is very much like a football game,
I mean. We're all struggling towards the

same goal. I mean, we all want to show
what we're made of, don't we?

And I've nothing to hide. I like to be
admired like the next man. Yes, I'm sure

you do.

Well, Vicar, you know, this is really
moving the part I'm done.

What?

Sorry? I'm saying, it is most
interesting though your part I'm done.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted
that my next... My next

guest has come from the West End of
London. He is one of London's biggest

Ends. I know you're going to make him
very welcome. Here he is, Rodney

Fairchild.

Rodney.

Rodney.

It's splendid of you to come along and
be my guest on this show. I really am.

You have been able to find time to come
along. You have a reputation of being

quite a hell -raiser. Do you feel this
reputation is justified in any way?

That you have?

This, you know, of being a hell -raiser.
Do you feel in any way justified at

all? This reputation that you have?

No.

That's my style. It's just sort of
newspaper publicity. They put labels on

people, don't they? They sort of, you
know, they will put labels on, but I

suppose they put a label on you sort of
more. You know, sort of like publicity.

Would you say it was publicity?

I suppose it's publicity.

Was it publicity?

Well, yes.

Oh,

well, honestly, yes, I'm quite surprised
about that.

You tell me that does it worry you on
this reputation wrong and fault that may

be I doesn't worry you at all the
reputation that you've got In

any way at all No

Well,

there you are honestly either God
talking with you or not Lovely to have

the show, but you know, we've got to
move along Time to meet my last guest

evening. I know you're going to make her
welcome. Here she is, the very lovely

West End star, Liza Moon.

Liza, it's lovely to have you

on the show.

What have you been doing lately? Are you
still appearing in the West End?

Have you ever worked together? Have you
worked with Liza at all?

Any of your shows together?

You've not had the pleasure of working?
Have you ever worked with

Rodney at all?

Lovely having you all here.

It really is absolutely splendid.

the public wants new faces.

One in a row.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I could go
on talking and having fun here all

but unfortunately the old clock on the
wall says there's only 42 minutes to go.

Anyway, folks, tune in again this time
next week and see Crossroads.

Now it was just ten years ago when I was
seventeen.

I came to the city searching for a dream
while I wandered down

into Soho.

They said it was always done at three o
'clock in the morning in search of

innocent fun.

Keep away from the girls of the Sousa
bar.

Now the ladies inside, they play all
kinds of games, said the girl at the

with pride.

I thought she meant games like
tiddlywink.

So I ventured inside.

She said some of them are naughty girls.

Ooh, that started me thinking.

I might catch one of them having a
tiddle when she ought to be winking.

And they said, son, keep away from the
girls of the Suza bar.

Now Susie, she came and she sat next to
me.

Her complexion was just like a rose, but
I couldn't help noticing a little mark

across the bridge of her nose.

She said, that mark that you're staring
at was caused through glasses, my dear.

I said, why don't you use contact
lenses?

She said, they don't hold enough beer.

And they said, son, keep away from the
girls of the Sousa bar.

Susie, she took me upstairs to a room
and she handed me the keys.

She said, this room's to be let as it
stands with all that you can see.

And are you to be let with the room,
said I in the most ambiguous tone.

She said, I am not to be let with the
room.

I'm to be let alone.

But I wish I could hear the warning I
got from my mother -in -law.

They say, son, keep away from the girls
of the Seuss bar.

But that was all so many years ago.

Now, Susie, she is my wife.

And I've often said that the day that we
wed was the happiest day of my life.

Why, I gave the preacher a five -pound
note.

He looked at me kind of strange.

And then he stole my Tuesday, and he
gave me four pounds and change.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.

Cause now I live the life of ease, and I
ride in a big fat car.

I smoke a big cigar.

I live just like a czar.

on champagne and caviar, and the
beautiful, wonderful girls of the

Thank you.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

Jolly nice being with you again, and we
look forward to seeing you all again

very, very soon. Bye for now.