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Ah-chi!
Look�at�those�big�cheeks.
I�should�wake�him�up, he�probably�needs�a�change.
What's�wrong�with�you, Stephen�Harper?
You�never�wake�a�sleeping�baby.
I�paid�for�that�bologna.
Give�it�back.
Paul�Junior�just�woke�up.
All:�Ah.
You�have�21�seconds.�Times�up!
Great,�he's�having nap-terrors�again.
Oh,�he�must�have got�into�PJ�snacks.
I�want�my�bologna.
I'll�handle�this.
Easy,�Paul.
There,�there. Nobody�took�your�bologna
and�nobody�needs�to�get�hurt.
(grunting)
Your�dads�are just�horsing�around.
(grunting)
?�'Cause�I�can�love�you,�baby�?
?�All�night�long�?
Roger:�This�is Laughingstick�in�the�Morning
and�we're�celebrating Agnes'�birthday�today,
and�what�a�year�it's�been!
Her�daughter,�Jo, became�National�Chief
and�lives�in�Ottawa.�Ho'leh!
With�Jo�gone,�Agnes�had Paul's�attachment�chopped�off
and�reattached�to�the�lodge so�Chickadee�can�be�close�by.
That's�two�grandkids in�the�same�house.
Everything's�coming�up,�Agnes!
Hopefully�the�weather will�hold�up,
but,�in�the�meantime, here's�Sassy�Molassy
and�the�Sassy�Molassies with�their�hit�song,
"Who�Put�the�Sassy in�My�Molassy?"
This�one's�for�you,�Chief�Jo. Good�luck�in�Ottawa.
Everyone,�quick!�Get�in�here!
Paul�Jr.�is�gonna�put�on�a�show.
(chuckling)
Yo,�PJ�the�DJ.�Drop�that�beat!
I�said,�PJ�the�DJ, drop�that�beat,�yo!
Okay,�that's�enough. You're�grounded!�No�back�talk.
Are�we�done?�I�gotta�get to�work�at�the�band�office.
I�packed�your�lunch and�coffee's�on�the�counter.
(kissing)
Don't�worry,�babe. He's�only�18�months,�okay?
Most�babies�don't�even�start spinning�until�pre-school.
I�just�don't�get�it. We�worked�so�hard.
Give�him�time.
You�were�in�diapers until�you�were�nine.
Does�anybody�want anything�else�to�eat
before�I�clean�the�kitchen?
Shut�up,�Stephen�Harper.
If�my�baby�didn't have�your�weird�DNA,
we'd�be�making�fat stacks�in�Ibiza�right�now.
?
?�That�campfire�is�a�whore�?
?�And�it�hurt�so�bad�?
So,�who�wants�to hear�that�song�again?
Rose: Three�times�is�probably�enough.
Maybe�we�should start�the�meeting?
(groaning) Buzzkill.
Fine,�you�win,
but�you�know�why they�call�a�band�office
a�band�office?
Because�we're�all�like�a�band.
Lips,�rhythm�guitar.
Me?�Lead�everything.
And�Rose.
(phone�ringing)
Oh,�that�sounds�like a�job�for�the�roadie.
Hey,�this�roadie�isn't a�receptionist�anymore,
this�roadie�is an�elected�councillor.
Don't�look�at�me, I'm�rhythm�guitar.
It's�bad�optics�if the�lead�singer�gets�it.
Well,�can�we�just�hire a�new�receptionist?
It's�Gripin'�Season and�everyone�has�a�complaint.
But�a�roadie�does a�little�bit�of�everything.
Drives�the�bus,�carry�gear,
make�sure�there's�no�uglies sitting�in�the�front�row.
I�can�actually�play a�mean�slide-whistle.
Look�at�that,�problem�solved.
Let's�hear�that�song one�more�time.
Hey,�Rose,�since�you're�roadie, can�you�grab�me�a�soda?
Oh,�fuck�off.
?
So,�then�I�said�to�user�7845,
"I'm�making�finger�tapping noises�on�a�microphone,
so�how�is�that�woke?"
Are�you�listening?
Uh,�yeah,�totally.
Woke�tapping.
Anyway,�I�wanted�to�talk.
Now?�I'm�kinda�busy.
Man: Yo,�Chickadee!
Oh,�shit,�one�sec.
The�fuck,�I'm�on�a�call, and�you�used�the�wrong�door.
That's�the�door�to�the�lodge, that's�my�door,
'cause�I�have my�have�own�place.
Okay,�take�it�easy�slum�lord.
(door�closing)
Sorry,�bad�reception.
Maybe�we�should pick�this�up�later.
Now's�good.
S'that�better�then?
We�brought�fries,�bro. They're�so�sturdy.
I�thought�you�were�alone?
Sorry.�Bad�Wi-Fi.
Chickadee,�you're�frozen.
Chickadee?�I�really wanted�to�talk�to�you.
Is�that�Tavis�and�Sophia?
Damn�Wi-Fi.
Alright,�gimme�the�fries.
We�told�you,�man. We�don't�work�until�we're�paid.
And�we�were�promised five�freezies.
You�never�mess�with a�man's�freezies.
Listen�here,�little�mans.
I�told�you,�you�get�paid when�the�job's�done,
and�last�I�checked, job's�not�done.
Bro,�are�you�ready?
We�gotta�get�to�the�airport and�pick�up�the�entertainment
for�my�ma's�birthday�party.
Oh,�yeah.�We�got�the�best
Lou�Diamond�Phillips impersonator�in�the�biz.
Lou�Diamond�Phillips?
You�got�your�mom�a�screwdriver?
No,�Lou�Diamond�Phillips, the�actor,
and�we�hired�an�impersonator�to perform�scenes�from�his�movies
for�Agnes's�birthday.
Yeah,�and�not�only�is Lou�Diamond�an�actor,
but�he's�the�gold�standard for�Indigenous-ish�roles.
He�played�all�the�coolest Indigenous�roles.
Yeah.�Not�like�today,
where�you�wussies�have real�Indigenous�actors.
Yeah,�man. He�was�Chavez�in�Young�Guns,
he�also�played�a�deadly�Inuk in�Shadow�of�the�Wolf,
and�he�was�even Ritchie�Valens�in�La�Bamba.
Natives�love�him,
even�though�he's�just a�itty�bitty�tiny�bit�Cherokee.
Whatever�he�was, he�had�all�of�our�hearts.
Yeah,�white�kids�had�Jesus up�on�their�wall,�but�us?
Hm.�We�had�good�ol'�lucky�Lou.
(chuckling)
Check�it�out.
That's�our�guy.
Man,�he�looked so�cool�on�a�horse.
What�the...
Guy,�two�Mississippis.�Come�on.
Yeah�Man?�More�like�weird�guys.
We�quit.
Man,�dating�a�girl over�the�iPad�is�sick.
I�can�just,�like, turn�her�off�whenever�I�want�to.
Oh,�yeah,�that's�the�ticket.
(knocking)
Other�door!
(game�beeping)
I�thought�you�said you�were�busy?
(imitating�whip�crack)
Hey,�listen, I�see�that�you're�mad,
but�do�you�think you�could�use�the�other�door?
(game�beeping)
Oh,�man,�here�he�comes.
Alright,�when�he�gets�out, play�it�cool.
Yeah,�man,�I�know. Two�Mississippis.
?�Bamba,�bamba�?
?�Bamba,�bamba�?
?�Bamba,�bamba�?
That's�our�Lou�Diamond�Phillips?
(all�clamouring)
Everyone,�please!�Calm�down!
Hey!�She�stole�my�gripe.
I�was�gonna�tell everyone�to�calm�down.
Yeah,�Chief�and�Council�sucks!
Deedee?
Sorry,�I-�I�got caught�up�in�the�moment.
You�see�what�I'm�dealing�with?
(sighing)�We�need a�new�receptionist,�asap.
Yeah,�well, you�better�get�on�that.
I-�I�got�to,�uh...�I�gotta�go.
(phone�ringing, crowd�clamouring)
Seen�this�before.
The�Stony�Mountain�riot�of�1988.
This�nothing�like�that,�Hilda.
I�dunno.�When�a�riot�brews, the�big�dog�has�to�step�up.
(phone�ringing, crowd�clamouring)
I�could�be�that�big�dog.
Okay,�guy.
I�did�this�job�for�five�years.
You�think�anyone�can�just stroll�in�and�do�it?�Hm?
You�know,�it's�people like�you�who�think�that
anyone�can�just�waltz�in�here-
Hey,�June�Bug.
If�this�is�a�gripe, get�to�the�back�of�the�line.
Oh,�sorry.
Oh,�you're�good.
No�shit.
Paul: What�the�fuck?
He's�supposed�to�be�a�diamond, not�an�old�lump�of�coal.
Plus,�he�looks�like a�Crown�Royal�bag.
What�are�you�talking�about,�bro?
Lou�Diamond�Phillips�isn't�bald.
So�what,�man?
Actors�transform�when they�play�characters.
Eddie�Murphy�didn't�look�like a�Donkey�when�he�played�Shrek.
That�was�a�cartoon,�bro.
So�what,�man?�The�guy's�a�pro.
The�guy�is�a�no.
Hey,�Stew.
Professional�Lou�Diamond Phillips�impersonator.
Diamond�Inc. Yeah,�I�do�all�the�Diamonds.
Lou,�Neil,�Dustin, Mike�from�the�Beastie�Boys.
Nobody�does�Diamonds like�Diamond�Inc.
It's�okay,�man. You�already�got�the�job,�bro.
(sniffing)
there's�a�little doubt�on�the�big�one.
Just�not�feeling that�Lou�vibe,�I�guess.
It's�called�acting, have�you�heard�of�it?
Well,�then�show�me,�then.
Nah,�ah-ah.�You�guys�got the�Cubic�Zirconia�package.
That's�one�photo, one�meet-and-greet,
plus�a�special�Lou�Diamond Phillips
scene�for�the�birthday�girl.
Anything�extra�costs�extra.
You�fucked�us.
This�guy's�just a�sickly�white�guy.
Sickly?
(chuckling) I�was�talking�to�him.
Alright,�boys.�Grab�my�bags and�take�me�to�the�venue.
Right�after�this, I�gotta�do�a�Young�Guns�2
for�a�Kookum�in�Sapotaweyak.
You�get�in�the�middle. Paul,�you�get�in�the�back.
Statistically�speaking, that's�the�safest�spot.
(Paul�groaning)
Easy,�easy. You�break�me,�you�bought�me.
So,�you�got�the�phone over�there,�pretty�standard,
and�we�schedule everything�on�this�computer.
Sorry,�I�don't�do�computers.
Okay,�but�they're kinda�important.
These�things�are highly�traceable.
I'm�not�going�back to�Stony�Mountain.
Stony�Mountain's�a�men's�prison.
You�calling�me�a�liar,�Cellie?
Okay,�I�have�to�go to�Agnes'�party�now.
So,�for�now, just�write�everything�down.
In�prison�we�call�that�a�kite.
(water�pouring)
Oh,�hey,�Lips. You�know�the�rule?
Last�one�who�drinks�the�coffee has�to�make�a�new�pot.
No,�no,�no.�That's�gen�pop.
I'm�talking�about first�day�inside.
You�gotta�fight�the�wheel.
No�wheels�here.
We'll�see�about�that.
Your�place�is�smaller
and�messier�than�on�camera.
Yeah,�I�was�gonna�clean�all�day, but�then�these�two�barged�in.
Why�don't�you�two get�out�of�here?
Good,�because�I�wanted�to ask�you�something�serious.
Why�don't�you�two�get�back�here?
Don't�you�think�you being�here�is�risky?
Our�families�are�enemies.
I�don't�care�about�that.
That�Bittern�and�Buttern thing�is�so�dumb.
Yeah,�so�dumb.
Hey,�why�don't�you grab�a�controller?
We're�playing�God�of�Loitering.
Could�we�just�have�a�second?
But�we're�just�about�to get�kicked�out�of�the�mall.
I�wanna�talk�about�moving�in.
(game�beeping)
Moving�in,�hey?
Uh,�but�we�gotta�move�out for�Kookoo's�party.
You�said�that�shit's�boring.
Yeah,�because�isn't�that an�old�people�party?
I�never�said�that. What�a�stupid�lie.
Why�would�you�make�up a�stupid�lie�like�that?
Fuck.�Filthy�liars.
Why�don't�you�two�just�sit�there
and�think�about the�lie�you�just�told?
(groaning) I'm�so�mad.
(game�beeping)
Okay,�okay.
'Kay.�Beat�it. Here�comes�security.
?
Bros�and�bro'settes!
May�I�have your�attention,�please?
We�wanted�to�do something�special�for�Agnes,
because�she's the�best�Kookum�ever.
Here�he�is,�and�he�wasn't�cheap,
Stew�Diamond�Phillips!
(all�cheering,�clapping)
Who�needs�a�Lou when�you�got�a�Stew?
(laughing)
Okay,�there's�enough Stew�to�go�around.
Hey!�Back�up,�back�up. This�Diamond's�got�sharp�edges.
Now�I'm�looking�for a�white�girl�from�the�Valley.
Anyone�see�her?
Oh,�pick�me!�Daga�niin!
I�was�thinking�maybe�somebody more�in�the�diamond�section.
(guests�gasping)
There's�my�Valley�Girl.
(laughing)
Hello,�Lou.�I�mean,�Stew.
Here,�these�are�for�you.
Try�to�follow�my�lead.
Okay!�Take�it�easy,�guy!
(all�laughing)
(cheering)
Stew,�where�are�we�going?
My�dad�said�to�totally�stay�away from�fast�boys�like�you.
(all�laughing)
Just�a�little�place called�Make-Out�Point.
Guests:�Ooh!
I've�totally heard�of�that�place.
Nimaamaa!�No!�No,�no,�no! Don't�go�to�that�place!
Your�dad�was�right.
Buddy,�get�off�the�road. Honk,�honk!
-�(gasping) -�(laughing)
-�(imitating�speeding�car) -�(crowd�laughing)
(thunder�rumbling)
Hey,�is�now�a�good�time�to�talk?
Uh,�yeah,�for�sure.
I'm�just�thirsty�as�shit and�my�mouth�is�pretty�dry.
Oh,�I'll�get�you something�to�drink.
Chickadee?
She�fuckin'�greased�me.
(thunder�rumbling)
Like�Make�Out�Point�is totally�beautiful�or�whatever.
Not�as�beautiful�as�you.
That's�why I�wrote�you�this�song.
?�Oh,�oh,�oh�?
Okay,�everybody,�give�it�up for�Stew�Diamond�Phillips
and�his�fast�hands.�Great�job!
Ho'leh�heck�boy! You're�just�killing�it!
You�need�to�relax.
If�he's�late, he's�gonna�charge�us�double!
No,�no. Stew�can�make�time�for�this.
(gasping)�Yeah,�you�paid a�lot�of�money�for�Stew.
Why�don't�you�let�him�finish�it?
But,�Ma,�my�birthday�picture.
Uh,�how�about�later?
How�about�now? (laughing)
As�you�all�know,�every�year I�paint�a�picture�for�my�ma
and�it's�basically�the�greatest moment�of�her�entire�life.
Sorry,�Stew,�he�does�this.
Happy�birthday,�Ma! (chuckling)
(guests�exclaiming)
More�Stew,�less�art.
It's�beautiful,�Paul.
You're�always going�off�about�Stew,
but�what�about�me?
Hey,�Paul'blo�Paul'caso, I'm�on�the�clock�here.
You're�about�to�get�clocked.
Oh,�is�that�a�threat?
(grunting)
(gasping)
Hey!�Give�that�back!
Show's�over!
Yeah,�you�heard�him. Show's�over.
We�haven't�done our�meet�and�greet.
Or�the�autographs.
I�want�my�intimate�photo!
I�still�get�paid the�exact�same�amount,
plus�damages�to�my�necklace.
Stew,�no�planes�are flying�in�this�weather.
Stay�the�night.
I�bet�you�he�would�love�that.
Yeah.�You�know,�you're�right.
It�does�look kinda�bad�out�there.
It's�okay,�bro.�I�got�a�plan.
(thunder�rumbling)
No,�no!�You�read�my�contract! In�the�event�of�bad�weather,
you�have�to provide�accommodation.
That's�crazy!
You�have�another party�to�get�to.
Yeah,�you�want�to�break the�heart�of�that�Kookoom
in�Sapotaweyak?
No�one�does�Diamonds like�Diamond�Inc,�remember?
Well,�where's�this�pilot?
Uh,�here�he�is. I�got�him�on�the�Buy�and�Sell.
This�guy�can�fly�planes?
Hey,�relax. It's�just�an�infection.
Yeah.�He�can�see�fine.
Well,�not�really.
I�don't�know.
Tell�you�what. Heads�you�stay,�tails�you�leave.
Alright.
I�think�it�said�tails!
Really?�Damn�it. Alright.�Let's�go�then.
This�way,�bro.
(dog�barking)
Oh,�shit.
How�did�you�get�in�here?
Through�the�door.
Which�one?
Would�you�give�it a�rest�with�that?
Alright,�I'm�sorry. Have�a�seat.
I�guess,�um...
I'm�just�scared I'm�going�to�let�you�down.
I�like�my�fuck-around�time and�I�don't�want�to�fuck�up.
I�don't�want�you�to�change. I�want�you�to�be�Chickadee.
You�wanna�be�here�with�me even�if�I'm�just�me?
Yeah,�every�day.
You're�sure?
Yes,�I'm�sure.
Alright�then.�Let's�celebrate.
With�lard�and�bannock.
I'll�grab�the�lard.
Only�the�deadly�ones do�it�though.
That's�fuckin'�good.
-�Yeah,�right? -�Mm-hm.
(crowd�clamouring)
One�at�a�time,�please!
I�got�a�complaint�about the�dam�behind�Elma's�house.
The�beavers�are�making�it�weird. Giiwishkwe�amikwag!
Sorry,�Gramps, didn't�mean�to�overhear�you.
Next�time�you�wanna�see�Rose,
you�make�sure�you come�see�me�first,�hey?
Right,�right. Rose,�my�apologies.
I�will�call�ahead�next�time
to�make�an�appointment.
Gripin'�Season is�officially�over.
(phone�ringing)
Holy�shit,�Hilda.
I�think�this�might just�work�out.
I�think�you�made the�right�decision.
Just�remember,�I�get�paid�in
hard�boiled�eggs and�noodle�cups.
?
(music�stopping)
We�interrupt�this�song for�some�breaking�news.
As�the�bad�weather�picked�up late�into�the�evening,
Stew�Diamond�Phillips'�plane went�down�in�Bloodvein.
Details�are�sketchy.
We'll�have�more�information as�it�becomes�available.
I�don't�know�what�to�say.
Heartbreaking�news�like�this deserves�a�heartbreaking�song.
?
Stew!
(crying)
Roger:�More�breaking�news�about the�breaking�news�from�before.
Stew�Diamond�Phillips�plane technically�did�go�down
in�Bloodvein,�but�only�because it�landed�there�perfectly.
My�mistake.
I�really�should�read�all�of the�words�in�front�of�me.
So�we�ran�up a�hill�for�nothing!?
Yeah,�man, but�at�least�Stew�didn't�die.
At�least�you�two�aren't going�to�jail�for�murder.
Yeah,�but�we�still ran�up�a�hill�though.
Come�on,�little�buddy! Hop�on�the�ones�and�twos.
Show�'em�what�you�got. Make�papa�proud.
Uh,�hey,�babe, maybe�take�it�easy�on�him.
Nah,�he's�got�this.
Sometimes�you just�have�to�let�go.
(sighing) Yeah.�You're�right.
We'll�just�sell�all�his�DJ equipment�on�the�buy�and�sell.
Mm.
It�was�never�his�dream, anyway,�just�yours.
Yeah,�fine.�We'll�just let�him�play�with�his�trucks
that�he�loves�so�much.
Mm-hm.
?
?
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