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1
00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:08,090
Good morning, Antonio.
2
00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:09,590
Morning, Fay.
3
00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:11,600
You seem in
a good mood today.
4
00:00:11,590 --> 00:00:13,100
What are you
writing?
5
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,100
The eulogy
for my funeral.
6
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:16,600
When is that?
7
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,100
'Cause I got something
on Sunday.
8
00:00:18,100 --> 00:00:21,100
Very nice, Roy.
9
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:22,610
Fay, I got plans, too,
10
00:00:22,610 --> 00:00:24,110
but if you're dying, I'll
be there with bells on.
11
00:00:24,610 --> 00:00:25,610
No, no, no.
12
00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,610
See, I read in this magazine
13
00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:30,110
that the best way to live
a fulfilling life
14
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:31,110
is to envision
15
00:00:31,610 --> 00:00:33,620
what you want people
to say about you
16
00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:34,620
at your funeral
17
00:00:34,620 --> 00:00:37,120
and then, to strive
to live that way.
18
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,620
Now here's what
I have so far:
19
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:41,620
"Never thinking a moment
of herself,
20
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:47,130
"she dedicated her entire life
to acts of kindness and charity
21
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:50,130
in the service of all mankind."
22
00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:51,640
Wow.
23
00:00:51,630 --> 00:00:53,640
I'd like to hear
someone deliver that
24
00:00:54,140 --> 00:00:55,640
with a straight face.
25
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,140
No. It's a goal, Antonio.
26
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,640
That's how I'd like
to be remembered.
27
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,150
Well, the fact is, I don't do
a lot of charity work,
28
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:06,150
but I intend to be
a lot more giving from now on.
29
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,150
Sounds like an
interesting article.
30
00:01:08,150 --> 00:01:09,150
Can I see this magazine?
31
00:01:09,650 --> 00:01:11,150
Oh, yes, you can.
32
00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:12,660
In fact, keep it.
33
00:01:12,660 --> 00:01:15,160
Why, thank you, Fay.
34
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,660
See? You're already
more charitable.
35
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,160
(chuckling):
Yes.
36
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,160
Why is this addressed
to Mrs. R. Fimmel?
37
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,170
Oh, that's my neighbor.
38
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:25,670
I swiped it off
the old bat's porch.
39
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:33,680
Oh, Roy?
40
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:34,680
Mm.
41
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,180
Would you care to donate
42
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,180
to the Golden Crest
Seniors Home
43
00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:40,180
to get a minivan
for the old folks?
44
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:42,690
Cochran, let me tell you
a little story.
45
00:01:44,190 --> 00:01:47,690
In 1971, I broke down
and gave four bucks
46
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:49,690
to the Salvation Army.
47
00:01:49,690 --> 00:01:52,700
Hey, I'm not looking
for a pat on the back.
48
00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:54,200
Within two weeks
49
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,700
I was getting junk mail
50
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:58,700
from every loser crybaby
who ever had a hangnail.
51
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,200
So forget it.
52
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,710
All you had to do
was say no.
53
00:02:02,710 --> 00:02:04,210
"No" is not good enough.
54
00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:07,710
I want to make sure
you'll never ask again.
55
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:10,210
Fay, Fay, you
really inspired me.
56
00:02:10,210 --> 00:02:12,720
Now I've been
writing my eulogy.
57
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,720
Listen to this.
58
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,720
"The nation was
saddened today
59
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,220
"by the loss of
billionaire industrialist
60
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:19,720
Antonio Scarpacci..."
61
00:02:22,230 --> 00:02:24,730
"...inventor of the
massage-o-matic
62
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:28,730
"Oh, Baby" vibrating
cab seat.
63
00:02:28,730 --> 00:02:33,240
Survived by his wife,
Claudia Schiffer Scarpacci..."
64
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,740
Antonio, I don't think
you understand
65
00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:37,740
how this eulogy thing works.
66
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,240
The idea is to make you
a better person.
67
00:02:41,740 --> 00:02:43,750
Hey, if I'm married
to Claudia Schiffer
68
00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:45,250
and sitting in
a vibrating seat
69
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:46,750
I am a better person.
70
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:53,760
Joe, quick:
Name the sexiest girl
71
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,260
in the history
of Sconset High.
72
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,260
JOE:
No brainer-- Tracy Hayes.
73
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,260
Think she still
looks good?
Nah. You kidding?
74
00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:00,260
Girls that look like
that in high school
75
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:01,260
always wind up weighing
76
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:02,270
300 pounds...
77
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:04,270
Oh, mommy!
78
00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:06,270
BRIAN:
Oh! She saw us.
79
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,770
Oh! She's coming
over here.
80
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,270
What are we going to do?
What are we going to do?
81
00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:10,770
Let go of my arm.
You're hurting me.
82
00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:12,280
Can't. Can't.
Stop. Stop.
83
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,780
Oh!
84
00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:15,280
Hey, guys, remember me,
Tracy Hayes?
85
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,280
Oh, yeah, Tracy. Hey.
86
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,280
Hey.
87
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:19,780
How's it going?
88
00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:22,790
Good. What have you guys
been doing with yourselves?
89
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:24,790
Pilots.
Own the airline.
90
00:03:24,790 --> 00:03:26,290
Wow. I'm impressed.
91
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:28,790
But, you know,
I'm not surprised.
You're not?
92
00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:31,290
No. It's always the dorks
who make it.
93
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,800
Hey, guys, come on.
I'm just teasing you.
94
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,800
Yeah! Like we
didn't know that.
95
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,800
So, uh...
Tracy, right?
96
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,810
Yeah.
Uh, what have
you been up to?
97
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,810
Well, for the last few years,
I've been working as a dancer
98
00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:47,810
up in Boston, you know,
to pay the bills.
99
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:50,310
But it's always been my
dream to go to law school.
100
00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:51,820
I finally saved up enough money.
101
00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,320
I start next week.
102
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,820
Oh, that's great.
103
00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:56,820
A dancer, huh?
104
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:57,820
Well, actually,
tonight's my last night.
105
00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:59,820
Hey, if you guys get a chance,
106
00:03:59,820 --> 00:04:01,320
you should come by
and see the show.
107
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:02,830
Uh, maybe.
108
00:04:02,830 --> 00:04:04,830
Yeah, maybe.
109
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:06,330
Well, I have to catch a flight.
110
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:07,830
It's really great
seeing you guys again.
111
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:08,830
Catch you later.
112
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,330
Later.
113
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:13,340
She talked to us.
She talked to us.
114
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:14,840
She talked to us.
She talked to us.
115
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,340
I don't know what
this dance thing is,
116
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,840
but whatever it is,
I'm going to see it.
117
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,840
I don't know. I mean,
even for Tracy Hayes,
118
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,340
I don't feel like
flying all the way
up to Boston
119
00:04:21,340 --> 00:04:22,350
to see some boring
dance recital.
120
00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:24,350
What? What is it?
121
00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:25,850
Ta...
122
00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:28,350
Can I see you
in the office for a minute?
123
00:04:30,350 --> 00:04:32,360
What is it?
124
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:36,860
"Club Shangri-la.
125
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,360
"Exotic dancing.
126
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,860
All nude, all the time."
127
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:41,860
Oh, my God!
128
00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:44,870
Tracy Hayes has invited us
to see her dance nude.
129
00:04:45,370 --> 00:04:45,870
All nude.
130
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:46,870
All the time.
131
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:48,370
This is like
132
00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:49,870
a dream I had in high school
133
00:04:49,870 --> 00:04:51,870
except I'm not waking up
in a full sweat
134
00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:54,380
tangled in my
Star Wars sheets.
135
00:04:54,380 --> 00:04:56,880
So, what do you say
we leave in an hour, huh?
136
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,380
What are you talking about?
I can't go.
137
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:01,380
Why not can't you go?
138
00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:03,390
Because married I am.
139
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:04,390
Oh...
140
00:05:04,390 --> 00:05:05,390
I pity you.
141
00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:06,890
The woman I marry
142
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,390
is gonna be the kind of woman
143
00:05:08,390 --> 00:05:10,890
that's gonna want me to see
other women naked.
144
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:14,400
Well, unfortunately,
I couldn't find
a woman like that.
145
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,400
I had to settle
for an earthling!
146
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,400
So what are you telling me?
147
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,900
Are you telling me
that you're not going to go?
148
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,400
I don't know-- what am
I gonna say to Helen,
149
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,910
"Hi, honey, remember
Tracy Hayes?
150
00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:23,910
I'm going to go see
her dance nude"?
151
00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:25,410
All nude.
All the time.
152
00:05:25,410 --> 00:05:26,910
No, it'll never work.
153
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:27,910
You got to lie.
I can't lie.
154
00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:28,910
Then you can't go.
155
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,410
All nude?
All the time.
156
00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:31,410
I got to go.
You got to lie.
157
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:32,420
I can't lie!
158
00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:33,920
When Helen and
I got married
159
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,920
we vowed we would never
lie to each other.
160
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,420
Well, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
161
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,920
This little gal
is stripping her way
162
00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:42,930
to a better life,
163
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:47,930
and the least we could do
is give her our support.
164
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:49,930
Look, the only way
that I could go
165
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:51,940
is if I told Helen
the truth,
166
00:05:51,930 --> 00:05:53,440
but I don't know
how to do that.
167
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,440
I wouldn't even
know where to start.
All right.
168
00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,940
Oh! Okay.
I know what,
I know what.
169
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:58,440
Try it out on me.
170
00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,440
I'll be Helen.
171
00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:00,940
All right?
172
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:02,450
Now, what do you say?
173
00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:04,950
Okay.
174
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:11,450
Honey, there's an event
I'd like to go to tonight.
175
00:06:11,450 --> 00:06:13,960
Oh, you mean, like
a cultural event?
176
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,460
Kind of.
177
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:19,460
You see, Brian and I have been
invited to Boston to, uh...
178
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:20,460
well...
179
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,470
you remember Tracy Hayes
from high school?
180
00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:23,970
Tracy Hayes, Tracy Hayes.
181
00:06:23,970 --> 00:06:26,470
Yeah, I remember.
Tall girl. Very pretty.
182
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:27,470
You think so?
183
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,470
She never really did
anything for me.
184
00:06:28,470 --> 00:06:30,970
Anyway, see, she's
trying to go to law school,
185
00:06:30,970 --> 00:06:34,980
and to earn the money
to do that, she's, uh...
186
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,980
How do I put this?
187
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,480
Joe, it's me,
your wife.
188
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,990
Come on, you can
tell me anything.
189
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:44,490
Just come right out
with it.
190
00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:46,490
Okay.
191
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,990
Tracy Hayes is dancing nude
at a strip club,
192
00:06:48,990 --> 00:06:51,490
and tonight's my last chance
to see her.
193
00:06:51,490 --> 00:06:53,500
Really?
194
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,000
That's it?
195
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,000
Yeah, that's it.
196
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:02,010
(weepy):
When did you
stop loving me?
197
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,010
I, I never
stopped loving you...
198
00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:06,010
Oh! Let me tell
you something:
199
00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:08,010
I will never give you
a divorce, mister!
200
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:10,510
I'll kill you before I let
another woman have you!
201
00:07:10,510 --> 00:07:12,520
But I don't want
another woman.
202
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,020
All I want is you...
203
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,020
Forget it, Brian.
This isn't gonna work.
204
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,520
No. We can make it work,
but we just have to try.
205
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:21,520
Shut up!
206
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:23,030
Oh, please, Joe--
I'm scared! I'm scared.
207
00:07:23,030 --> 00:07:25,530
Hold me!
208
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:28,030
Okay, you made
your point.
209
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:30,030
I can't lie to Helen,
210
00:07:30,030 --> 00:07:32,030
and I guess I can't
tell her the truth
211
00:07:32,030 --> 00:07:33,540
so I can't go.
212
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:35,040
Hey, guys.
213
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:36,540
Joe, I just wanted
to tell you that
214
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,040
Casey and I are going
to the movies tonight
215
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,540
so I may be home
kind of late.
216
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,050
You're kidding?!
217
00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:46,550
No.
218
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:49,550
As great a joke as that
would be to play on you...
219
00:07:49,550 --> 00:07:52,060
no, I'm really going
to the movies.
220
00:07:52,050 --> 00:07:53,560
Why? Is that a problem?
221
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:56,060
No. No problem at all.
222
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,560
Well, I know this is a little
last minute.
223
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,060
Is that why you're upset?
224
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:01,060
I'm not upset.
225
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:02,570
Brian, do I sound upset?
226
00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:05,070
Well, to tell you the truth,
you kind of do, yeah.
227
00:08:05,070 --> 00:08:07,570
Listen--
it's no big deal.
228
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,570
I'll just cancel with Casey.
229
00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:10,070
Oh, no, no!
230
00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:11,570
You have a date
with Casey.
231
00:08:11,570 --> 00:08:13,580
The last thing in the world
I want for you to do is cancel.
232
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:16,580
Okay. What are you
going to do?
233
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,080
Don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
234
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,580
Okay.
235
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:22,090
Well, see you
guys later.
236
00:08:24,590 --> 00:08:26,590
(grunting happily)
237
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:27,590
Oh, I just...
238
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,590
Shh.
239
00:08:29,590 --> 00:08:30,590
We're fine.
240
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,600
We'll find something
for you to do.
241
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,100
It's all right.
242
00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:53,120
(laughing)
243
00:08:58,620 --> 00:09:00,120
Yeow!
244
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:04,130
Ooh, that's a whole lot
of orange going on there, Roy.
245
00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:06,130
What are you doing?
246
00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:07,630
I'm going skydiving.
247
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,630
I saw you guys
writing your eulogies.
248
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:11,130
I decided to write mine.
249
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:13,640
I'd say just
in time, too.
250
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,140
Mine goes
251
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:19,640
"Roy Biggins was an adventurer,
living each day to the fullest."
252
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,150
Well, you've just
lost your mind.
253
00:09:22,650 --> 00:09:24,150
I could use some support
from you people.
254
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:27,150
You know, you could take
a lesson from my pilots.
255
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,650
They are behind me.
256
00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:30,650
Every single one of those guys
257
00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:32,660
said I should go jump
out of that plane.
258
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,660
Well, if you're
going skydiving,
259
00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,660
don't you need
a lot of training?
260
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,660
(voice breaking):
Not according to the guys.
261
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,160
They say you just hop out
and pull this.
262
00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:43,170
Roy, that is a zipper.
263
00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:46,670
Oh. Well, then it, uh, must be
264
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,170
one of these other
little doohickeys.
265
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:51,170
Uh, I'll find it.
266
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:52,170
Listen, Roy, um...
267
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,180
as much as I would love
to tell my grandchildren
268
00:09:55,180 --> 00:09:58,680
that I was there when
Biggins Canyon was formed...
269
00:10:02,690 --> 00:10:04,690
...I can't let you do this.
270
00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:06,190
Relax, okay? I'm gonna be fine.
271
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,690
I'm gonna go find my pilots and
we're gonna recheck my chute.
272
00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:10,190
They packed it for me special.
273
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,700
Wow.
274
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:18,200
That is the biggest
pitcher of tang
275
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,200
I've ever seen.
276
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,210
Anyway, hey! So...
277
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:30,210
you ready to see
Tracy tonight?
278
00:10:30,210 --> 00:10:32,210
You kidding?
I've been ready ever
since I saw her
279
00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:34,220
shimmy up the rope in
ninth-grade gym class.
280
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:36,220
You know what the best part
about tonight is?
281
00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:37,720
I didn't lie to Helen.
282
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,720
Yeah! That's it.
283
00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:47,230
Joe, do you mind if I leave
a little early tonight?
284
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,230
Sure, Fay. Why?
What's going on?
285
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,730
I've decided to volunteer
286
00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:51,730
at the Golden Crest
Seniors Home.
287
00:10:51,730 --> 00:10:53,240
Oh, really? That's great!
288
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,240
Giving up your Friday night
to help other people.
289
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,240
That's good, Fay.
290
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,240
Oh, uh, it's Friday night?
291
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,240
Well, that's not going
to work for me at all.
292
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,250
I've already ordered
Wrestlemania on
pay-per-view.
293
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:05,250
I can't cancel now.
294
00:11:05,250 --> 00:11:06,250
Antonio, you coming?
295
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,750
You tappin' a keg?
296
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,250
Don't I always?
297
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,760
Oh. Helen?
I've been thinking...
298
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,760
I don't know about the movies.
I'm kind of tired.
299
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,760
Why don't you and Joe
do something tonight?
300
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,770
No. You can't do that.
301
00:11:22,770 --> 00:11:24,270
HELEN:
Joe, it's no big deal.
302
00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:25,770
We can go
tomorrow night.
303
00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:26,770
Yeah. Tomorrow night.
304
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:30,770
Tomorrow? I can't believe this.
305
00:11:31,270 --> 00:11:33,280
Instead of going out tonight,
306
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,280
you two are going out
tomorrow night?
307
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,780
Well, his mind
seems to be gone,
308
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,280
but his hearing's okay.
309
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:42,290
You just, you just
don't get it, do you?
310
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:43,790
How do you know that tonight
311
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:46,290
isn't the last chance
you will ever have
312
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,790
to be with your sister again?
313
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,290
She could walk out
of this building here
314
00:11:49,290 --> 00:11:51,290
and be hit by a bus,
flattened.
315
00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:52,290
She's a pancake.
316
00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:53,800
Now where's your tomorrow?
317
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,300
It's gone.
318
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:56,800
Oh, sure, you
could have spent
319
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,300
your last few hours
with her, but you didn't.
320
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:00,800
And why? Because you're tired.
321
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,810
But now it's too late,
because she's dead.
322
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:04,810
Oh, Helen...
323
00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:06,310
Oh, Casey...
324
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:09,810
You know, I never thought
of it that way.
325
00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:10,810
Oh, that's okay.
326
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:12,820
You still want to see
that movie with me?
327
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:15,320
Oh, you just try
and stop me.
You know...
328
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,820
I'll just go bring
the car around.
Okay.
329
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,320
You be careful
330
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:23,330
and look both ways before
you cross the street.
331
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:24,830
Oh, thanks, Joe, for
opening our eyes.
332
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:26,830
Glad I could help.
333
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:27,830
Hey, you want to
come with us?
334
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,330
I can't tonight.
I got plans.
335
00:12:29,330 --> 00:12:32,330
Maybe tomorrow.
336
00:12:32,330 --> 00:12:34,340
What-What plans?
337
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:37,340
I-I'm... volunteering
338
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:42,850
at the Golden, uh, Crust
old people's home.
339
00:12:42,850 --> 00:12:44,850
The old people's home?
340
00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:46,850
What are you doing for them?
341
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,850
Helping.
342
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:51,850
Them.
343
00:12:51,850 --> 00:12:52,860
Well, um, okay.
344
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,360
I think it's really nice
345
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,360
that you're doing
that for them
346
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,360
but why does it
have to be tonight?
347
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,860
Because tonight's
the last night...
348
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:02,870
for a lot of them.
349
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,870
Oh, man.
350
00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:10,870
Oh, man.
351
00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:11,870
What?
352
00:13:11,870 --> 00:13:14,880
I can't believe what I just did.
I lied to Helen.
353
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,380
Oh. Listen, I figure
we should leave here by 6:00.
354
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,380
I told her I was
volunteering
355
00:13:20,380 --> 00:13:21,380
at an old age home.
356
00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:23,390
I broke our
vow of honesty.
357
00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:24,890
Oh, come on.
358
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:26,390
I mean,
did you actually think
359
00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:28,890
you'd be able to go through
your whole marriage with Helen
360
00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:29,890
and never lie?
361
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:32,400
This is a lying world,
my friend.
362
00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:34,400
Everybody lies to everybody.
363
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,400
You lie to me?
364
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,900
Sure.
When?
365
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,900
Pretty much every time I say
366
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:41,900
"Joe, I'm your brother;
would I lie to you?"
367
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,410
I'm lying to you.
368
00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:45,410
Well, I don't lie
to my wife...
369
00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:47,910
at least, I haven't lied
to her till now.
370
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:48,910
Oh, God.
371
00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:51,410
Oh, come on, what's
the difference?
372
00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:54,420
You told her that you
we're gonna volunteer
at an old age home
373
00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:56,420
when, in reality,
you're going to be watching
374
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:58,420
beautiful women dance naked.
375
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,920
Shades, we're
talking shades.
376
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:02,930
Come on, Brian.
377
00:14:02,930 --> 00:14:04,430
Joey, I'm your brother.
378
00:14:04,430 --> 00:14:06,430
Would I lie to you?
379
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,930
Do you have any idea
how hurt Helen would be
380
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:10,430
if she found out
I deceived her?
381
00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:12,430
All right, let's
explore this, then.
382
00:14:12,430 --> 00:14:14,440
I'll be Helen, you be Joe.
383
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,440
I'm not doing that again.
384
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,940
All right, I'll be Joe,
you be Helen.
385
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:17,940
Brian...
All right, I'll be
Fay, you be Roy--
386
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,440
Come on, I got
to be somebody!
387
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,950
Wait a minute. I got it.
388
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,950
When is a lie not a lie?
389
00:14:25,950 --> 00:14:28,950
That's easy. When you
get away with it.
390
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:30,950
No. When it's the truth.
391
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,460
See, it's simple.
392
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:34,960
I will go and volunteer
at the old age home
393
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,460
just like I told Helen.
394
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,460
Oh, that's great
395
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,960
and I'll be watching
Tracy Hayes dance naked,
396
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,470
and you'll be watching
Gabby Hayes dance naked.
397
00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:43,470
Don't you get it?
398
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,470
I will go to
the old folks' home
399
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:47,470
play a little pinochle,
a little conversation
400
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:48,970
do my good deed,
bing, bang, boom.
401
00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:52,470
20 minutes later, I'm in a skin
club with a clear conscience.
402
00:14:52,470 --> 00:14:54,480
That's it?
That does it for you?
403
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,480
Yes, it does.
404
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:56,480
Good. I'm glad.
405
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,480
Now can I be Fay?
406
00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:06,490
(chuckling)
407
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:08,990
Boy, that's a dumb move.
408
00:15:08,990 --> 00:15:11,990
Are you stupid, or are you
just trying to lose?
409
00:15:11,990 --> 00:15:14,000
Just play the game.
410
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,500
Okay.
411
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,500
Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum.
412
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,500
King me.
413
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,510
You know, you're easier to beat
than Sid across the hall,
414
00:15:25,010 --> 00:15:27,510
and he's in a coma.
415
00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:32,010
Well, Lou, it's been
a pleasure meeting you.
416
00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:33,520
What, you're leaving already?
417
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:36,020
Well... not right away,
but, you know
418
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,020
in the next, uh,
couple of seconds.
419
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:41,520
It's just that I have
a prior commitment.
420
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,530
You know, you remind me
of my son.
421
00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:46,030
Really?
Oh, yeah.
422
00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:49,030
He dumped me in here,
and he ran away too.
423
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:52,030
Lou, what do you want me to do?
424
00:15:52,030 --> 00:15:53,040
I've got to go.
Take me with you.
425
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,040
I haven't been out of this place
for a year.
426
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,540
I need to be aired out.
427
00:15:58,540 --> 00:15:59,540
You have plenty to do tonight.
428
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,540
I saw the activity board.
429
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:04,050
There's a slide show of Mrs.
Freemont's daughter's cruise.
430
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:05,050
Then there's tapioca pudding...
431
00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:08,550
Ooh... pinch me!
432
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:11,550
All right, Lou, listen to me.
433
00:16:11,550 --> 00:16:14,060
If I could take you
with me, I would, but I can't.
434
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,560
Why not?
435
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,060
Because what I'm going to see
436
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,560
your heart can't take.
437
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,060
Okay. Okay, you go.
438
00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:21,560
You do.
I'll be fine.
439
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,070
I have everything
a man could want--
440
00:16:23,070 --> 00:16:26,070
I got my tv, my bed...
441
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:29,570
Oh, and look, a raisin
left over from lunch.
442
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,570
Life is full.
443
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:38,080
(sultry jazz playing)
444
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:44,590
What kind of a joint
did you bring me to?
445
00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:47,090
Six bucks for a Sprite?
446
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,100
You know something?
447
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,600
It's drafty in here.
448
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,610
We know, Lou.
449
00:17:03,610 --> 00:17:05,610
Who are you again?
450
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:07,610
He's Brian, Lou.
451
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,110
He's my brother.
452
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:10,610
I got a brother.
453
00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:12,110
We know, Lou.
454
00:17:12,110 --> 00:17:14,120
His name is Harry,
he's an orthodontist
455
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,620
and he screwed you, Lou.
456
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,120
He screwed me.
457
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,120
We know, Lou!
458
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:24,130
Would you mind if I had a word
with my brother in private?
459
00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:25,630
He screwed me blue.
460
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,640
Why did you
bring him here?
461
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,140
Are you out
of your mind?!
462
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,140
Would you relax?
463
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:40,640
Can I say something here?
464
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,640
Why don't you take a haircut?
465
00:17:44,650 --> 00:17:46,150
You look like a girl.
466
00:17:50,150 --> 00:17:51,650
Hey, Lou. There's a buffet.
467
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:54,160
Why don't you get
yourself some dinner?
468
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,160
At 8:00?
469
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,660
Oh, I couldn't digest.
470
00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,160
It would kill me.
471
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,160
Like he said...
472
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,160
Listen,
am I spoiling your fun?
473
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,670
No, no, no. Lou,
you're not spoiling our fun.
474
00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:06,170
You are a pure delight.
475
00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:07,170
Thank you. You're a nice boy.
476
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,670
I think I will get something
to eat.
477
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,170
Can I bring you a plate?
478
00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:11,170
Yes, please.
479
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:12,170
And take your time.
480
00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:14,180
You, I hate.
481
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,690
You think if we switched tables,
he won't be able to find us?
482
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:26,190
I don't know, Brian.
Maybe this was a mistake.
483
00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:30,190
What?
Bringing Yoda to a strip club?
484
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:31,190
Nah, nah.
485
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:32,700
That was inspired.
486
00:18:32,690 --> 00:18:34,700
I mean, coming here at all.
487
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:37,200
What the heck
are you talking about, man?
488
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,700
This is the culmination
489
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,200
of a lifetime
of adolescent fantasies.
490
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,200
But I lied to Helen.
491
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,710
No, you didn't.
492
00:18:43,710 --> 00:18:45,210
You went to the home.
493
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:47,710
For God's sakes,
you brought the home here.
494
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:51,210
All right, look. Don't even
try to talk me out of this.
495
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:52,720
I'm going to grab Lou
and get out of here.
496
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:55,220
Hey, guys.
497
00:18:55,220 --> 00:18:57,220
Hey.
Hey.
498
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,220
I'm so glad you made it.
Oh, yeah.
499
00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:00,720
Well, you know, we were
in the neighborhood.
500
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,720
Really looking forward
to seeing the show.
501
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,730
Well, I'll try not
to disappoint you.
502
00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:07,730
(laughing):
Oh, I don't think
that's possible.
503
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:08,730
You're so sweet.
504
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,230
Well, look, I go
on in a minute,
505
00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:12,230
so I have to go and
get into my outfit.
506
00:19:12,230 --> 00:19:14,240
You, uh...
wear an outfit?
507
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,740
Well... not for long.
508
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,240
(laughs)
509
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,740
Well, uh...
510
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:21,240
uh...
511
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,250
really sorry
you can't stay, Joe.
512
00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:24,250
See you later.
513
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:28,250
You know, how
selfish can I be?
514
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,250
Here I am, thinking
only of myself
515
00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:32,750
and who I really should be
thinking about is Lou.
516
00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:34,260
I mean, he doesn't
get out very much.
517
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,260
I'd just be taking him
right back to the home.
518
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:37,260
You're not that
kind of guy.
519
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,260
You're damn right I'm not.
520
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:40,260
I was raised
better than that.
521
00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:41,760
Yeah. Stay, Joe.
522
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:42,760
For Lou.
523
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:43,770
All Lou.
524
00:19:43,770 --> 00:19:45,270
All the time.
525
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:48,770
I'm proud of you.
526
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:51,270
Thanks, Brian, but there
comes a time in a man's life
527
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:53,780
when he's got to do
the right thing.
528
00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:55,780
I just hope
when I'm 112 years old
529
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:58,280
somebody takes me
to a strip club.
530
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,780
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
531
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:05,290
Club Shangri-la is proud
to present Miss Tracy Hayes!
532
00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:07,790
All they had was
drumettes and slaw.
533
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,790
Why do people come
to this restaurant?
534
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,790
I was... ya-ha-ha.
535
00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:13,300
Ah...
536
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,300
(door opens)
537
00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:32,820
(sighs)
538
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:38,320
Honey...
539
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,820
sweetheart...
540
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:43,830
Babe?
541
00:20:43,830 --> 00:20:45,330
(louder):
Helen?
542
00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:46,830
Hmm?
543
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,330
Oh, good. You're up.
544
00:20:49,330 --> 00:20:51,330
How was your night?
Oh, fine.
545
00:20:51,330 --> 00:20:52,330
Oh, that's nice.
546
00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:53,340
Oh. Just one little thing,
though.
547
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:54,840
After I went to the home
548
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,840
Brian and I went to see
Tracy Hayes dance naked.
549
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,840
Night-night.
550
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:02,840
Joe?
551
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:03,850
Yeah?
552
00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:05,350
HELEN:
Get up!
553
00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:12,850
Wow... wow, wow, wowie.
554
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:14,360
This was
some night, huh?
555
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,360
Yes, it was, Lou.
556
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,860
I had feelings I haven't had
in 35 years.
557
00:21:20,860 --> 00:21:23,370
I know, Lou.
558
00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:24,870
I think it was the slaw.
559
00:21:24,870 --> 00:21:27,370
It was the slaw, Lou.
560
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:28,370
What do you think it was?
561
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:30,870
Anybody's guess, Lou.
562
00:21:30,870 --> 00:21:32,370
Look at you.
563
00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:34,380
You wear dungarees
to a nice place like this?
564
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,880
What are you, a hippie?
38553
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