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1
00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:07,590
Hey, Helen?
Hmm?
2
00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:09,090
Did you finish
that inventory?
3
00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:10,590
We're supposed to meet the
insurance adjuster in an hour.
4
00:00:10,590 --> 00:00:11,590
Yep, I'm done.
5
00:00:11,590 --> 00:00:13,100
Here's what I lost in the fire.
6
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:15,600
"Everything."
7
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:19,100
Yup, that about sums her up.
8
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:21,100
Helen, you've got to be
more specific than "everything."
9
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:22,610
You might want
to take this
10
00:00:22,610 --> 00:00:24,610
just a little more
seriously, my friend.
11
00:00:24,610 --> 00:00:27,110
Well, Joe, how can I
remember everything I owned?
12
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,610
Well, they say
what you're supposed to do
13
00:00:28,610 --> 00:00:30,110
is take pictures
of all your possessions,
14
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:31,620
save them with the receipts,
15
00:00:31,610 --> 00:00:33,120
write down the serial numbers,
and store them
16
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:36,120
in a strongbox able to withstand
1,500 degrees Fahrenheit.
17
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:40,120
Yeah, right, Joe, like
any sane person would do that.
18
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,130
(metallic tapping)
19
00:00:43,630 --> 00:00:45,630
I know what you're thinking.
20
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:48,130
Oh, I don't think you do.
21
00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:50,130
"What if something
happens to the box, Joe?"
22
00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:52,140
Well, I will have you know
that I've uploaded
23
00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:53,640
all of that information
onto the internet,
24
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,640
so if the world
blows up tomorrow,
25
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,140
I can prove
that I had a Flowbee.
26
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,150
Now guess what I'm thinking.
27
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,160
Good morning, Antonio.
28
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,160
Would you like
some coffee?
29
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,660
What's the point, Fay?
30
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,660
Well, I know it's
not for everybody,
31
00:01:19,660 --> 00:01:22,670
but it certainly
gives me a buzz.
32
00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:25,670
No, no, no, I meant...
33
00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:28,170
I... I can't go on like this.
34
00:01:28,670 --> 00:01:31,170
I have a dead-end job,
no relationship.
35
00:01:31,670 --> 00:01:34,680
My life is hopeless.
36
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,680
There's only one thing I can do.
37
00:01:37,180 --> 00:01:38,680
Oh, no, don't
do it, Antonio.
38
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,180
There must be
other options.
39
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:46,190
I wish there were, but...
I have no choice.
40
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,190
I'm going back to Edna.
41
00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:50,190
(gasps):
Oh, no!
42
00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:52,700
Not the big-face girl.
43
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,200
Oh, but how do you know
44
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,200
she's not involved
with someone else?
45
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:02,710
Fay...
46
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,210
Oh, yeah.
47
00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:11,710
Uh, well, um, are you sure
you want to do this?
48
00:02:11,710 --> 00:02:15,720
Want has nothing to do with it.
49
00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,720
She is my fate.
50
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,220
But you know what?
51
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:23,230
Now that I have accepted
my destiny,
52
00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,230
I feel oddly at peace.
53
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:30,230
Uh... I better go.
54
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:33,240
It's time to face the face.
55
00:02:38,740 --> 00:02:40,740
Ooh! Brian,
got a minute?
56
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:41,740
A minute?
57
00:02:41,740 --> 00:02:44,250
Well, that's pushing it,
but I'm game.
58
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:45,250
What? Uh, no!
59
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:47,250
No, I didn't mean that.
60
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,750
What are we doing?
61
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,750
Well, right now, nothing.
62
00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:52,260
We just wasted 15 seconds.
63
00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:53,760
There goes cuddling.
64
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,760
No... no, no, no.
65
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,760
What's going on
between us?
66
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,270
Oh...
67
00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:04,270
sex.
68
00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:06,770
I mean, is that all
you would call it?
69
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:10,270
No, frequent, loveless,
self-destructive sex.
70
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:12,280
Exactly.
71
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,780
We're completely
out of control.
72
00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:15,280
We are no better
than animals.
73
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:16,280
We certainly are.
74
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,780
Animals can't operate
video equipment.
75
00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:22,290
All right, what do you
want to do then?
76
00:03:22,290 --> 00:03:23,290
Well, maybe we should see
77
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,790
if we've got more going
for us than just sex.
78
00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:29,790
Oh, geez, you're
going to ruin it now.
79
00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:30,790
What do you think
80
00:03:30,790 --> 00:03:33,300
about maybe possibly
going out sometime?
81
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:38,800
What, you mean, like
on a, uh... a date?
82
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,800
Well, yeah.
83
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,810
A date? (snorts)
84
00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:43,810
Ah, what the hell?
85
00:03:43,810 --> 00:03:44,810
It's not going to kill me.
86
00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:46,810
All right,
we'll grab a burger later.
87
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:50,810
No, no, you have to take
me out for a nice dinner,
88
00:03:50,810 --> 00:03:53,320
and that means
ordering from a waiter
89
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,320
not talking into
the face of a clown,
90
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,320
much like I'm doing now.
91
00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:00,820
Okay, okay, Casey,
you're right, I'm sorry.
92
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:05,330
Um... Casey,
if you're free tonight,
93
00:04:05,330 --> 00:04:06,830
would you care
to join me for dinner?
94
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,330
Yes, Brain, I would love to.
95
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:10,830
Okay, great,
how about 8:00, huh?
96
00:04:10,830 --> 00:04:12,340
Or better yet...
97
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:13,340
I'll meet you
ten minutes early.
98
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:14,840
We can tear one off
before dinner.
99
00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:20,840
FAY:
Oh, Joe,
100
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,850
you're here, good-- the man
from the insurance company
101
00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:24,350
is waiting in your office.
102
00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:25,850
Oh, great, thanks, Fay.
103
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:27,850
All right, Helen, let's
go over our strategy
one more time.
104
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,350
When he asks about
receipts, what do you say?
105
00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:31,350
That I kept detailed records,
106
00:04:31,350 --> 00:04:32,360
but, unfortunately, they were
destroyed in the fire.
107
00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:33,860
Right. If that
doesn't work?
108
00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:35,360
"My kitty ran away,"
and I burst into tears.
109
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,360
Good. Okay, let me see
that lower lip quiver
110
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:38,860
one more time.
111
00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:41,860
Oh, come on!
112
00:04:41,860 --> 00:04:43,370
Helen, you call that crying?
113
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,370
I am telling you, one tear
is going to be the difference
114
00:04:45,370 --> 00:04:46,870
between original cost
and replacement value.
115
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,370
Trying to squeeze
a little money
116
00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:50,870
out of your
insurance company, huh?
117
00:04:50,870 --> 00:04:53,880
I got a little shortcut
you might be interested in.
118
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,880
Feast your eyes
on these babies.
119
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:00,380
What are these?
120
00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:01,890
Receipts.
121
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,890
Some people collect stamps,
some do needlepoint.
122
00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:07,390
I counterfeit my own receipts.
123
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,890
This one is for a video camera.
124
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:13,900
Notice the craftsmanship,
125
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:17,400
the subtle aging
around the edges.
126
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,400
I do my own distressing.
127
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:20,900
So what do
you want?
128
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:23,410
I got Walkmans, I got
Watchmans, I got Discmans,
129
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,910
I got washers,
I got dryers...
130
00:05:24,910 --> 00:05:25,910
You got big screens?
I got big screens.
131
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,410
I got Mitsubishi,
I got Toshiba...
132
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,910
Sony? I need Sony.
133
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:29,910
Sony I got.
134
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:36,420
I was just browsing.
135
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:37,920
Come on, let's get
this thing over with.
136
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,420
All right, now, just
stay cool, follow my lead
137
00:05:39,420 --> 00:05:41,420
and remember,
these guys are ruthless.
138
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,930
They'll stiff you just
as soon as look at you.
139
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,430
Phil!
140
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,430
Surprise!
141
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:50,930
Hey, Helen, look,
our old friend Phil
142
00:05:50,930 --> 00:05:52,940
is handling our
insurance claim.
143
00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:53,940
Isn't that great?
144
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:55,940
Great? It's fantastic.
145
00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:57,940
Phil, we are sure
lucky you showed up.
146
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,440
Well, hey, it is always
great to see friends.
147
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,950
Okay, let's get
down to business.
148
00:06:03,950 --> 00:06:04,950
Okay, um...
149
00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:06,450
Here's my inventory list.
150
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,450
Where are your receipts?
151
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:10,450
Hmm?
152
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:11,450
Receipts.
153
00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:13,460
Actually Helen
just wrote down
154
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,460
the estimated value
of each item.
Right there.
155
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:17,460
Okay, let's see
what you got here.
156
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,460
300 bucks for a cameo pin.
157
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:21,970
Yeah, well,
it's an antique
158
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,970
that's been in my family
for generations.
159
00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:25,970
Got a receipt?
160
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,470
Well, my grandmother
gave it to me
161
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:30,470
on her deathbed.
162
00:06:30,470 --> 00:06:32,980
No receipt-- 30 bucks.
163
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:34,480
Moving on.
164
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:44,990
Um...
165
00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:48,490
Phil, um,
did I mention to you
166
00:06:48,490 --> 00:06:52,500
that, um...
my kitty ran away?
167
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:57,000
And he was so beautiful,
and I loved him so much,
168
00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,000
and he had the cutest
little smushed-in face.
169
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,510
Got a receipt?
170
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,510
Right.
171
00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:08,510
You want what
for a color television?
172
00:07:08,510 --> 00:07:10,510
A hundred bucks.
173
00:07:10,510 --> 00:07:12,020
Oh, come on, Phil.
174
00:07:12,010 --> 00:07:13,520
We watched the Super
Bowl on that TV.
175
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:15,020
It was a great TV.
176
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:16,520
Remember you got
so excited,
177
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,520
I had to Heimlich
that cheesepuff
178
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,020
out of your windpipe?
179
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,020
I saved your life.
180
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,030
Too bad you didn't
save your receipts.
181
00:07:24,030 --> 00:07:25,530
(Roy clears throat)
182
00:07:30,530 --> 00:07:33,040
Oh! Look what I found.
183
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,040
A receipt for my
laser disc player.
184
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,540
Oh, really?
Boy, that's great.
185
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,540
And I bet there's plenty more
where that came from.
186
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:45,550
ROY:
You betchum.
187
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:46,550
That's odd.
188
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:50,050
The name of the store
isn't on this.
189
00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:51,050
Where did you buy it?
190
00:07:51,550 --> 00:07:56,560
I got it at, um...
Laser Discs 'N Stuff.
191
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,060
I never heard of that store.
Where is it?
192
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:04,070
It's, uh, you know, Phil,
down by the hardware store...
193
00:08:04,070 --> 00:08:07,070
Knobs 'N Things.
194
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:11,070
Ever heard of
insurance fraud 'n stuff?
195
00:08:12,070 --> 00:08:15,080
Look, this is just a preliminary
estimate, but, uh...
196
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,080
based on the minimum
allowance for contents
197
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:22,080
and our previous appraisal
of your house, there is no way
198
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:26,090
we're going to be able
to do better than... this.
199
00:08:31,090 --> 00:08:32,600
Hey...
200
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,600
it has been great
seeing you two again.
201
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:40,600
It really, really,
really has.
202
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,610
I got to run, but, uh,
203
00:08:42,610 --> 00:08:46,610
let's get together again
real soon, okay?
204
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:49,610
Bye, kids.
205
00:08:51,110 --> 00:08:52,620
Can you believe
that guy?
206
00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:55,120
I should have left
that cheesepuff in his throat.
207
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:56,620
Now, wait, Joe.
208
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:59,120
Before we look at
this, let's remember
209
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,120
money is not important.
210
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,130
What's important is that
you and I are together.
211
00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:05,630
Yeah, you're right,
you're right.
212
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,130
I got a little
carried away before.
213
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,630
Whatever it is, we'll
get through it together.
214
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:12,140
Yeah, of course
we will.
215
00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:24,150
We're rich, we're rich,
we're rich.
We're rich,
we're rich.
216
00:09:24,150 --> 00:09:27,650
Cha-ching, cha-ching,
cha-ching, ching...
217
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,160
Hi.
218
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,660
Hi!
219
00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:44,170
Well, I want to thank you for
a lovely evening last night.
220
00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:47,170
No, I want
to thank you!
221
00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,170
(sighs)
222
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,670
Hey, I tried.
223
00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:51,170
Okay? At least I picked out
224
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,180
an elegant French restaurant
for us.
225
00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:58,180
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah--
Chez Pay-Up-the-Wazoo.
226
00:10:00,180 --> 00:10:02,690
Well, I'm sorry it wasn't
as classy as your choice--
227
00:10:03,190 --> 00:10:04,190
Toby's House of Weiners!
228
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:07,190
Hey, you watch what
you say about Toby.
229
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,690
He named a
bratwurst after me.
230
00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:10,690
Let's face it.
231
00:10:11,190 --> 00:10:12,700
This is a total waste of time.
232
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:15,200
We have absolutely
nothing in common.
233
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,200
Less than nothing.
234
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,200
Yeah, and if we have
nothing in common,
235
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,200
we can't date.
236
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:20,700
Mmm, there's a tragedy.
237
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:21,700
And if we can't date,
238
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,710
we certainly cannot sleep
together anymore.
239
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:27,710
Hey!
240
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,210
That's just crazy talk.
241
00:10:30,210 --> 00:10:31,210
Come on,
there's got to be
242
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:34,220
something we have in common--
think, think, think.
243
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:35,720
Okay... um, I know!
244
00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:39,220
Romantic walks
on moonlit beaches.
245
00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:41,220
Forget it.
246
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,730
Last time I was on one,
some guy stole my pants.
247
00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:47,730
Okay, I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it.
248
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,230
Disneyland, huh?
249
00:10:49,230 --> 00:10:51,730
Everybody loves
Disneyland.
250
00:10:51,730 --> 00:10:53,740
Not me.
Oh, come on.
251
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,240
What's not to like
about Disneyland?
252
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,740
I recently had
a recovered memory
253
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,740
about Jiminy Cricket.
254
00:10:59,740 --> 00:11:04,250
Hey, I have
Tinker Bell issues,
255
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:07,250
but I don't let it ruin
the whole park for me.
256
00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:10,750
Oh, Antonio.
257
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:14,760
I have a message
for you.
258
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,260
Edna called and said
259
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:20,260
she had the most
wonderfully romantic
evening last night.
260
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,770
Goodness, what did
you two do?
261
00:11:22,770 --> 00:11:25,770
Uh, we heated up leftovers,
262
00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:29,770
and then she watched
while I paid bills.
263
00:11:30,770 --> 00:11:35,280
Well, I heard of low-maintenance
girlfriends, but wow.
264
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,780
You should see how
her big face lights up
265
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:44,290
when she sees me.
266
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:48,790
It's like looking
into the sun.
267
00:11:50,790 --> 00:11:53,800
Well, I'm glad
it's going so well.
268
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,300
Yeah, thank you.
269
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,800
Ah, well...
270
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,800
it's starting
to get dark.
271
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,810
Soon it will be time
to pick up Edna.
272
00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:10,810
Hey, there, Fay.
273
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:12,820
Isn't it a great day?
274
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,320
It's just one
of those days
275
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,320
when everything feels
right with the world.
276
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,820
Oh, yeah.
277
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,320
I heard you scored
a fat insurance check.
278
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,320
Maybe that's it.
279
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,330
So I know
the feeling.
280
00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:26,830
I got a beaut after
each of my Georges died.
281
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:27,830
Of course...
282
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,330
nothing could make
up for the loss,
283
00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:32,840
but those zeros sure
take the edge off.
284
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,840
Oh, yes. Yes, they do.
285
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,340
Well, but I mean, we're still
going to try to be smart
286
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:39,340
with this money.
287
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:40,840
After all, we have
to rebuild a house.
288
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,350
Well, yeah, and by the
way, where's Helen?
289
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:43,850
I haven't seen
her all day.
290
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,350
She went to Boston
this morning.
291
00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:46,850
She's going to replace a few
things she lost in the fire.
292
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,850
Oh, yes, she's on that
initial high you get
293
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:53,860
when you receive
a hefty settlement.
294
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:54,860
When I got my first one,
295
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:57,360
I ran right out and
bought a mink coat.
296
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,860
Of course, I had to
hock it a week later
297
00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:03,370
when I found out George
hadn't paid taxes since 1963.
298
00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:07,370
Hot enough for you
down there, George?
299
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,890
What?
300
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:26,890
When?
301
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,890
How did...
302
00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:32,900
Why?
303
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:33,900
Helen!
304
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:37,400
I paid you extra
and I want it here today.
305
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,900
Okay, now, that's better.
306
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:40,900
Oh, good news, Joe.
307
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:42,910
The Shetland pony
will be here in an hour.
308
00:13:42,910 --> 00:13:44,410
Shetland pony?
309
00:13:44,410 --> 00:13:45,910
Helen, I thought you were just
gonna get a few necessities.
310
00:13:45,910 --> 00:13:47,410
Oh, I did.
311
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,410
What, a canoe?
312
00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:50,410
A giant gumball machine?
313
00:13:50,410 --> 00:13:52,410
We don't even
play the piano.
314
00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:53,920
You don't have to.
Listen.
315
00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:57,420
(playing "Isn't It Romantic?")
316
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,920
I can't believe you are throwing
away our insurance money
317
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,920
on all this useless stuff.
318
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,430
You know what
your problem is...
319
00:14:03,430 --> 00:14:04,930
is you need to relax.
320
00:14:04,930 --> 00:14:05,930
Sit down in this
massage chair.
321
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:07,930
Helen, I'm serious.
322
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,430
(voice shaking):
You are being so irresponsible.
323
00:14:10,430 --> 00:14:11,930
I don't know
what's gotten into...
324
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:13,940
Oh... oh, yeah.
325
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:14,940
Oh...
326
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,940
There's an optional
foot massage.
327
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:18,440
Uh, no.
328
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:19,440
Helen, really, come on.
What is going on?
329
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:21,440
You're totally
out of control.
330
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,450
Come on, Joe,
live a little, spend a buck.
331
00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:24,450
Spend a buck?
332
00:14:24,450 --> 00:14:25,950
Do you know what
the money is for?
333
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:27,450
We've got to build a house.
334
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:28,950
I'm sorry,
335
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:31,950
but you are just going
to have to return...
336
00:14:31,950 --> 00:14:33,460
almost all
of this stuff.
337
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:34,960
I ain't returning nothing.
338
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:35,960
Oh, like hell you're not.
339
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,460
Excuse me, are you telling me
what to do?
340
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:41,460
Well, in your dreams, baby.
341
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:44,470
I'm am not going to let you blow
our entire insurance check.
342
00:14:44,470 --> 00:14:45,470
Our check?
343
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:47,470
My house burned down!
344
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:48,470
It's my money,
345
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:50,970
and I can do whatever the
hell I want to with it.
346
00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:52,480
And if that means buying
the Statue of Liberty
347
00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:55,480
and using it as a lawn jockey
that's what I'm going to do.
348
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:56,480
Where are you going?
349
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:57,980
To Sharper Image.
350
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,480
They're holding
my portable steam room.
351
00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:02,990
Damn.
352
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:04,990
(playing "Isn't It Romantic?")
353
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:14,500
Oh, just forget it.
354
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,500
No-- no!
355
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:19,500
I refuse to believe that
we have nothing in common.
356
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:23,010
Okay, movies.
357
00:15:23,010 --> 00:15:24,010
Casablanca.
358
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,010
Everybody loves that movie.
359
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,510
Never seen it.
360
00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:31,510
You've never
seen Casablanca?
361
00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:34,020
Black and white, Nazis.
362
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:36,520
It's a chick movie.
363
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,520
Casablanca was
a great film.
364
00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:41,520
Oh, I love it.
365
00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:44,030
I always cry at the end.
366
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,030
Chocolate.
Vanilla.
367
00:15:45,030 --> 00:15:46,530
Addams Family.
Munsters.
368
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:48,030
Parcheesi.
Yahtzee.
369
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:49,530
Coffee.
Tea.
370
00:15:49,530 --> 00:15:50,530
Boy, I love coffee.
371
00:15:50,530 --> 00:15:52,530
Do you know what
I just discovered?
372
00:15:52,530 --> 00:15:54,040
Frapaccinos.
373
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,540
You mean those frozen
coffee drinks?
Oh...
374
00:15:55,540 --> 00:15:56,540
I live for them.
375
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,040
There's a new place on the
island that makes them.
376
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,040
We should go there sometime.
377
00:15:59,540 --> 00:16:01,040
Oh, I'd love to.
378
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:09,550
I'll call you.
379
00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:11,050
Yeah, sure, whatever.
380
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,060
Water!
381
00:16:16,060 --> 00:16:18,060
I mean, how could
you not like water?
382
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,060
Well, it tastes funny
and it makes me bloated.
383
00:16:22,060 --> 00:16:23,570
Oh, that's it,
forget it.
384
00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:26,070
I mean, we have absolutely
nothing in common.
385
00:16:26,070 --> 00:16:28,070
You know what, I am sorry
we ever brought up
386
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,570
this whole dating thing.
Hey, well, I told you.
387
00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,570
Didn't I tell you, you were
going to ruin everything?
388
00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:33,580
Now we have nothing.
389
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,080
You're right.
I agree with you.
390
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,580
You happy?
391
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:37,580
Wait a second.
392
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,580
Did we just agree
on something?
393
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,590
Oh... um, yeah,
I think we did.
394
00:16:50,090 --> 00:16:51,590
Fay, have you seen Helen?
395
00:16:51,590 --> 00:16:53,600
I don't think
she's come in yet.
396
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:54,600
Are you okay?
397
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,600
Oh, yeah,
I just got a stiff neck.
398
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,100
I slept in a canoe last night.
399
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,600
Why in the world would
you sleep in a canoe?
400
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:03,610
The pony had the couch.
401
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:07,110
Look, never mind.
402
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:09,110
Fay, I don't know
who Helen is anymore.
403
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:11,110
Ever since
she got that money,
404
00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:13,620
she has been going nuts.
405
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:16,120
She won't listen to me,
and I can't talk to her.
406
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,120
I don't know what to do.
407
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,620
This is just the first crisis
in your marriage
408
00:17:19,620 --> 00:17:21,620
and you just have
to hang in there
409
00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:24,130
and weather
the storm.
410
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,630
She can't get her hands
on the business, can she?
411
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:28,630
Roy, have you
seen Helen?
412
00:17:29,130 --> 00:17:30,130
Helen? Yeah.
413
00:17:30,130 --> 00:17:31,630
She took my 8:00
to New York.
414
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:34,140
She said she was going
to Harrington's auction house.
415
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,140
An auction?
416
00:17:35,140 --> 00:17:36,140
Oh, my God.
417
00:17:36,140 --> 00:17:37,640
I've got to stop her.
418
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,640
Hurry up before
she wipes us out.
419
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,150
I begged him to sign
a pre-nup.
420
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,650
$4,000. Going once.
421
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:51,650
Going twice.
422
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:53,160
Sold.
423
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:57,160
And Elton John's silver lame
platform shoes go to number 32.
424
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,160
Yes!
425
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,660
(light applause)
426
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,160
Damn, I wanted those.
427
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:03,170
Oh, what are you
complaining about?
428
00:18:03,670 --> 00:18:04,670
You got Meatloaf's treadmill.
429
00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:10,670
Ladies and gentlemen, our next
item up is an American classic
430
00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:14,680
from that popular TV program
of the '60s--
431
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,680
hey, hey, it's
the Monkee Mobile.
432
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,180
(crowd oohs)
433
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,180
AUCTIONEER:
The bidding starts
434
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:23,190
at $7,000.
435
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:24,690
Seven thousand
dollars.
436
00:18:24,690 --> 00:18:25,690
No, Helen,
no, don't bid on that.
437
00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:27,190
Joe, what are
you doing here?
438
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:28,690
MAN:
$8,000.
439
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,190
Honey, I think you have
a serious problem.
440
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:32,190
Yeah, I will if I loose
the Monkee Mobile.
441
00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:33,700
$9,000.
442
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:36,700
I have $9,000 from
that daydream believer.
443
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,200
Could we at least
444
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,700
just go outside and talk
about this in private.
445
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,200
Later, Joe.
446
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,210
Helen, why would you want
the Monkee Mobile?
447
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:47,210
Oh, because I lost
the Partridge Family bus.
448
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:48,710
And besides, I love the Monkees.
449
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:50,710
I'm just a huge fan of theirs.
450
00:18:50,710 --> 00:18:52,210
$10,000.
451
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:54,720
HELEN:
And if that jerk would
stop bidding against me
452
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:55,720
the car
would be mine.
453
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,220
$11,000.
454
00:18:57,220 --> 00:19:00,720
Helen, honey, that jerk
happens to be Peter Tork.
455
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:01,220
Yeah, who's he?
456
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:02,730
I have $11,000.
457
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:03,730
Do I hear 12?
458
00:19:03,730 --> 00:19:05,730
$12,000.
459
00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:06,730
$13,000.
460
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,730
I'm really sorry about my wife.
461
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:11,230
I don't know what's
gotten into her.
462
00:19:11,230 --> 00:19:13,740
I used to have
a Monkees lunch box.
463
00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:14,740
Big deal.
464
00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:16,240
We got squat
from those things.
465
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:17,740
$14,000.
466
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:18,740
$15,000.
467
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:19,740
Oh, my God.
468
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:20,740
$16,000.
469
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:21,740
Look, excuse me.
470
00:19:21,740 --> 00:19:23,250
This car means
a lot to me.
471
00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:25,750
What could it possibly
mean to you?
472
00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:26,750
This car represents
473
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:29,250
a very special time
in my life.
474
00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:31,250
I've wanted to own it
for a long, long time.
475
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:33,760
And now, with a few
smart business deals
476
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:34,760
and a pizza commercial,
477
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,760
I have the extra cash
to buy it.
478
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,760
Please, won't you
let me have it?
479
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,760
Oh, for God's
sake, honey,
480
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,270
let the man have
his Monkee Mobile.
481
00:19:43,270 --> 00:19:44,770
I don't think so.
482
00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:45,770
$20,000.
483
00:19:45,770 --> 00:19:46,770
$24,000.
484
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,270
JOE:
This is
ridiculous.
485
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,270
You don't need
that stupid car.
486
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:52,780
Sir, please-- I'm trying
to conduct an auction.
487
00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:54,280
Just hold on
one minute.
488
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:55,280
Joe, give me back the paddle.
489
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,280
No, I'm not going to give
this back to you
490
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,280
until you tell me why
you're buying all this stuff.
491
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,280
Because.
492
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,280
Because why,
Helen, why?
493
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,290
Because... Because...
494
00:20:03,290 --> 00:20:05,790
because I need
some stuff.
495
00:20:05,790 --> 00:20:07,790
Why do you need stuff?
496
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,290
Because...
I don't know.
497
00:20:09,290 --> 00:20:14,300
(voice cracks):
'Cause all my stuff was
destroyed in the fire.
498
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:17,300
My house and my belongings
and my whole life.
499
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:18,300
What do you mean
your life?
500
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,300
We have a life.
501
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,300
That's Helen Hackett.
502
00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,810
I lost Helen Chappel
in the fire:
503
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:26,810
My journals and
my photo albums
504
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,310
and the blanket
505
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:31,310
that my mom
brought me home
from the hospital in.
506
00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:32,820
And that little
charm bracelet
507
00:20:32,810 --> 00:20:34,820
that I was going to give
to our daughter someday.
508
00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,320
All that stuff's gone, Joe.
509
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,820
I don't have
any of it left.
510
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:41,820
AUCTIONEER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
fair warning.
511
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:44,830
We're at $24,000.
512
00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:46,830
That's the last bid
to Clarksville.
513
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:50,330
Do I
hear 25?
514
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:53,340
Honey, if it means
that much to you, then...
515
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:57,840
$24,000
going once...
516
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,840
going twice.
517
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,350
Sold to number 28.
518
00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:05,350
(light applause)
519
00:21:06,850 --> 00:21:07,850
Are you okay?
520
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:08,850
Yes.
521
00:21:10,350 --> 00:21:11,850
Honey, I know
you lost a lot,
522
00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:13,860
but you didn't
lose everything.
523
00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:15,360
You still have me.
524
00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,860
I know,
I'm so sorry.
525
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:21,360
It's all right,
it's okay.
526
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,360
Remember?
527
00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:24,870
For richer or for poorer...
528
00:21:24,870 --> 00:21:27,870
and hopefully, we
won't get any poorer.
529
00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:29,870
Ladies and gentlemen,
530
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:31,870
our next item
up for bid
531
00:21:31,870 --> 00:21:35,380
is Mick Jagger's leather jacket
from the Sticky Fingers tour.
532
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,390
Hey, thanks for letting me
have the Monkee Mobile.
533
00:21:43,890 --> 00:21:45,390
Sure, enjoy it.
534
00:21:45,390 --> 00:21:47,390
I just hope you're
as big a fan as I am.
535
00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:56,900
Okay, Edna, now you've
seen where I work.
536
00:21:56,900 --> 00:21:58,400
I'm just going
to go to the bathroom,
537
00:21:58,400 --> 00:21:59,400
then we'll get out of here.
538
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,910
(shudders):
Oh...
539
00:22:23,430 --> 00:22:24,430
Well, hello, dear.
37148
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