All language subtitles for The Affair 1971

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♪ How should I my true love know

♪ From the other one?

♪ By his cockle hat and staff

♪ And his sandal shoon... ♪

If you can dig it, the whole thing
was kind of like that machine.

Everything's so confusing.
Everything's going round and round.

And you know... and...
we have to have caused that.

And then we can't understand it.

'What do you think
of the machine?'

'It's marvelous.'

'Do you think
it means anything?'

'Of course.'

'Who do you think
made it?'

'A genius or a student.'

'It doesn't look much different up close,
though, than it does way back.'

'Do you think
it's essentially purposeless?'

'No, because you got
something happening.

'If anything, it has something
happening, it has a purpose to it.'

'I think they're trying
to make fun of us.

'Some college kids made this

'and they're trying to say
that our society is screwed up.'

I tried to make
the chick understand that.

I mean, I really tried
to make her understand it.

'What do you think
of the machine?'

'I like it.

'I really think is more or less
what this country needs.

'I think that if more time
was put into

'things like this
that make people happy,

'that make people want to get
out on a sunny day like this.

'I think we wouldn't be
in Vietnam,

'I don't think our economy
would be as screwed up as it is.

'We probably wouldn't have
Spiro Agnew as Vice-President.'

'If they don't like it
here, they should get out.'

'I think basically
it's camp.'

'Pretty soon
the whole world

will be covered
with these things.'

'What was your very
first impression?'

- 'Dismay.'
- 'How do you mean?'

'When I saw that thing, I knew there
wasn't no hope for us, no how.'

I only later saw it.

When I was in the army, we were
out on maneuvers and I got killed.

So me and a couple
of other dead guys drag ass,

all dripping wet and muddy,
into this little field office.

They got a john in there and like
a shower, a little shower stall.

So I asked the Sergeant,
"Does the shower work?"

He said, "Yeah...
but there's a cabinet in it".

So I open up the shower stall
door and sure as shit,

there's this filing cabinet
in there.

'What do you think
of the machine?'

'It's beautiful...
but what does it do?'

I could never get the chick to
appreciate anything like that.

I should have stayed
with what I was into.

Playing the guitar is fish.
The money is good.

And I became a drag too.

Listening to myself
and other people's records.

♪ I can't stop it. No, no, no

♪ Babe, I can't stop it. No, no

♪ I can't stop it. No

♪ But it's a dream
Yeah, yeah ♪

3 minutes, 22 seconds.

All right.
Let's do a play back on that.

Good sound.

Don't worry about it.

- Hey Fox.
- Hi Chris.

Are you in on
the session Tuesday?

No, I'm leaving today.

Tired of hearing myself
on other people's records.

Besides, I think
I'm going deaf.

What?

All this noise man.
It's driving me crazy.

I can't hear you.

My brain.
I've lost the ability to think.

I think the sound
is destroying my brain.

You what?

Brain, man.
For Christ sake, Fox.

The thing you have
inside your head. Brain!

I'm a little deaf in one ear.

What do you attribute that to?

How you set this up
is your own business.

But I want this jacket to leap out
and smack everybody right in the eyes.

I want to get everybody
kind of tight there.

Maybe you can move a little bit.

With this wide-angle lens,
I think I can get them all in.

Hey you.

No, man.
I'm not a part of this group.

I'm... just here for
the session today.

'It was weird, but I didn't know
I was coming back here.

'I mean, I was on the road
a couple of hundred miles

'before I knew
I was coming back.

'I guess that's the part of me that
was ready for this whole mess.'

I guess everybody's looking
for... a new thing.

Like the chick.

She's a model. Does...
local television, commercials and shit.

What are you getting
right here, Howie?

I'd like to know.
Right in here is...

- Seven minutes.
- Four, five, six. Anybody?

Once you've been given
a position, keep it please.

One of those glasses.
Let's try somebody...

Spray on one of these glasses.

I want to see what this looks
like from the back light...

- Get make-up in here.
- OK. Where's the make-up man?

Pay attention to
your own spot.

Can we have some blotters?
I'm sweating like a pig.

Oh, Jesus. You do that so well.

Get the...
get a break out of the label...

Where are my cigarettes?
Can I have a cigarette please?

Try a little easier now
with that.

- How do you do that?
- Huh? What?

The thing...

- Thing?
- The mouth thing.

- How do you do it?
- Is something wrong?

Wrong? No, it's beautiful.

- It's the thing. Do it again.
- What?

No, that's not it. No.
No. It's not it.

You have to be putting me on.

Oh, I... I don't smoke.

Places everyone, please.

Tell me something.
Isn't that cheating?

Cheating?

Yes, making the beer look better
than it actually looks.

You're standing there talking
to me because of that beer.

I'm standing here talking to you
because of that beer.

And everybody that's in this room
is in this room because of that beer.

All of our salaries, our very existence,
depends on that beer.

And we're all here to make that beer
look as good as we possibly can.

OK, come on everyone,
quickly. Places, please!

That's it.

- What?
- Beautiful. The mouth thing.

Oh.

Isn't that cheating?

Mr. Dorian, you want
to take a look at this shot?

Yes, I would.

OK, then could I please
have my talent?

Unless you're prepared
to pay the overtime.

See you later.

Oh, look over here, Georgie.
This is very nice.

Come and get on the table.
We'll catch it wild later.

Very nice.
OK, here's the set up.

So on "action",
here's what's going to happen.

We're pulling off of your kiss, right?
You're looking into her eyes.

The announcer is going to say,
"The beer for the man

"who thinks bold and acts bold."

Pull off the kiss, look at her,
tell her something bold.

You want me to talk?

Of course. People generally talk
to one another.

You're getting involved
with one another.

- What would I say?
- Say anything. I don't care.

Places, background people.
This isn't sound.

- You won't be heard.
- OK...

Just tell her she's a frumpy little
chick with all her brains in her ass.

Just keep the mood, all right.
Get involved. OK?

We're gonna roll.

OK, let me see the kiss.

You're close. You're tender.
Involved. Kissing.

Background people. Happy.

Come on in the background.
More beer.

Kissing.

- Rolling.
- OK, he's rolling.

We're rolling.
Everyone is happy.

Bring the light a little.

Good... Action!

You're a frumpy little chick
with all your brains in your ass.

You have a piece of spinach
in your teeth.

Cut!

Perfect.

It's just a matter of timing.
I didn't have anything in mind.

Just that my thing and the chicks
thing came together at the same time.

♪ Over shades of evening

♪ Yesterday my times has past

♪ Today it's creeping

♪ They were the wild
and woolly years

♪ The very wild and woolly years

♪ Where? Tell me
where did they go?

♪ Once I was a young healthy man

♪ Was nothing I wouldn't do

♪ I'd challenge all the world
if you wanted me to

♪ Wild and woolly years ago now

♪ For the gay and happy times

♪ When my nights seemed
so much better ♪

- Son of a bitch.
- Dad.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry?! Look what
you've done to my suit?

I have a board meeting
this afternoon.

Three years, dad.
You're still here.

Still here.
Still at this table.

Shot and a beer for three years.

- Screw it, Bill.
- What?

Screw that goddamned tie.
This is my son, Chris.

I haven't seen him
for three years.

How are you?

I'll call you tomorrow after I've had
a chance to look over these lay-outs.

Business is getting
full of faggots.

Chris, you're not turning
into a faggot, are you?

You haven't changed a bit.

Charlie, a shot and a beer
for my boy here.

What have you been doing lately?

- How's Mom?
- Oh, screw your mother.

Your mother is out of her mind.

You know whose name she called out
in her sleep the other night?

Fidel Castro.

Chris, why don't you let me
send you back to school?

I might as well put my money
to some use.

No thanks, Dad. I don't want to
hold back my education.

You'd better come down
out of those clouds, boy.

Or you're not going to be worth
the powder to blow you to hell.

You know, I truly believe that some day
the whole world is going to go out.

Like that.

But if it's ever going
to be saved, it's the...

...communications people
that are going to do it.

I like to...
Well, to put it this way.

It's not important to build
skyscrapers and highways.

What's really important
is building bridges.

Bridges between people.

I'd like to get to know
everyone.

You really like that,
don't you old man?

Old man?
Who you calling old man?

Listen... your old man
can still cut the mustard.

Cut the mustard?

You kids think you're wild.

You don't know your old man.
Listen, I could...

I could tell stories that could take
from now till tomorrow.

Where you going?

- Son of a bitch.
- Where's Terri?

She quit.
Where the hell have you been?

Where have you been?
I haven't seen you in a couple of years, Sam.

Shag off.

- Hey, who's that?
- It's my father.

- He can still cut the mustard.
- Oh, yeah?

Hey...

I can't sit with the customers
unless the customers buy me a drink.

Bloody Mary.

Oh, my God!

Hi Popsy.
How's every little thing?

What's happening over there?

That's my father over there.
He can still cut the mustard.

So can I, man!

How's every little thing
with you?

- Hanging in there.
- You can say that again.

Hey, you wanna dance?

Dance? I'm not even sure
I can get up from this chair.

Oh, we'll get it up there,
Popsy. Won't we?

- Electronic Madonna.
- Oh, come on, Dad.

Would the son of Roger Bradley
do with a pig like that?

Dial-a-Mama?

- Oh, she's really bad.
- Just another pig.

Who is that back there?

Terri Terrific.

Hey, let's go see Terri.

Hey, let's go see Terri.

Come on, Dad.
Let's go see Terri.

Hey, why don't we go
and see Terri?

♪ Hear the wind blow ♪

Hello, Terri.
Can we borrow a cup of mustard?

Son of a bitch.

Is that all anybody
knows to say in...?

- Who's she calling a bitch?
- Got any mustard, Terri?

Who's she calling a bitch?

Hi Terri.
What makes you so terrific?

You've been gone so long,
I was getting ready to call the police.

Oh, well... I kind of got lost
along the way.

But did you get the groceries?

Yeah, I got the groceries
but they spoiled on the way

and the next thing I knew
I took the wrong turn.

Soon I was up a dead-end alley.
I came back out, took the wrong turn...

You fucker.

Now there is a classic example

of the pot putting the bad mouth
on the kettle.

We're talking
like a couple of queens.

- Bitch.
- Bitch.

Bitch.

You know, she's just a regular
screwed up punky broad, man.

But is she beautiful.

Give me that mustard.

- You gonna cut it for us?
- Give me a knife.

- That's no knife.
- It'll help you cut it.

- Take a deep drag.
- What the hell?

You'll get used to it.
Hold it in your lungs.

I think commercials tend
to break down communications

rather than build them up.

You know, I'm trying
awfully hard

to justify the fact
that I'm contributing.

If I'm going to interrupt
millions of people's evenings

by standing around grinning
and eating potato chips...

Try to think of it this way.

So much bad news comes over
that tube every night,

that for just one brief minute,
60 bubbly seconds,

a guy can sit back and relax,
and enjoy daydreaming

about a cold glass of bold gold
with millions of tiny bubbles.

Swear to God, if we could live
that violently, that passionately,

every 60 seconds
of every 24 hours...

We'd wear ourselves out.

We'd burn brilliantly
like Roman candles.

If everyone lit
just one little candle,

we'd all die
of carbon monoxide poisoning.

My son's depraved.

This is... this is depravity.

My son is setting
a bad example for his father.

Get it. My son is setting
a bad example for me.

Are you rich?

I knew it.

It's almost as though
I were expecting you.

Like Bradley's Comet.

Appears in the western skies
every couple of years.

Like I said, I don't give a damn
if you are artificially inseminated.

Or they have robots for mothers.

Or they're made of computers
or come out of a test tube.

I don't give a damn
if they little bare asses

have "Made in Japan"
stamped on them.

This is a deja vu thing.

Those little babies
are going to have mouths.

They're going to have to eat.

Of course,
this has happened before.

And in the year 2000,
even if they're made of plastic,

those little plastic babies
are going to have mouths

and they're going to be eating
Bradley's baby food.

But do you realize
what it looks like?

What... what looks like?

Baby food. Do you realize
what it looks like?

Are you bringing
your own theatre parties?!

- Tell me!
- Mustard!

- It does look like mustard.
- I told you.

Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, where's your john?

Where is it?

Damn these kittens.

Oh, God help me.

Oh, no more of that.

Michael, what are you doing?

Relax.
You're going to enjoy this.

Michael, get off of me
right now. Michael!

Michael, I'm getting out of here
right now.

Let go.

Oh, come on.

All right. Wait, wait.

No, no!

Look, how do you want it?
I'm tired of playing games.

Moonlight and roses.
Or sleeping bags in the desert.

Would you take a magical trip
to a mountaintop somewhere?

I mean, just say the word,
I can arrange it.

I'm afraid of you, Michael.
Please let me go.

OK.

Get lost.

Help yourself.

Help yourself!

Help yourself.

Help yourself.
Here... help yourself.

You know what
your problem is, Terri?

You give people the impression
that you're an easy lay.

She shines in her performance.

She has that available look that makes
every man think he can have her.

Where's the kid?

Killed him.

He's across the hall
with the neighbors.

Wake me up
when I can use my bed, will you?

Terri.

Or better yet,
just let me sleep it off here.

- Terri!
- Oh, now look...

We're not going to talk about anything
we haven't talked about before, right?

OK, now.
Do you want to screw?

Want to kick my ass?

OK.

You know where the booth is.

If you're not here
when I wake up,

see you again
in another couple of years.

You spend your whole life
running away from your past.

How come you always
wind up back here?

Chris. Chris! Wake up.

It's morning.

Chris, how much do I leave her?

- Huh?
- How much do I leave her?!

Oh, forget it.

Come on,
let's get out of here.

Yeah.

Come on.

Chrissy, this is your daddy.

And that's your daddy's daddy.

So you're a father, eh?

I don't know.

What do you mean
you don't know?

I think she's lying.
I don't think it's my kid.

She could sue you.

No, Terri would never do
anything like that.

She could bring... fornication
and bastardy proceedings against you.

Oh, it's... it's practically
her word against yours.

That sounds obscene.

If a court found that you were really
the father, which it probably would,

you'd have to go on
supporting that child

till it was able
to take care of itself.

Oh...

Fornication
and bastardy proceedings!

Well, you'd better get her
straightened out, Chris.

Here comes my train.

But I want you to call me
Friday.

I'll talk to Mack about it...

No, I don't want you
to do that.

Listen, you call me Friday.

OK. I'll call you Friday.

You don't want to come home.

I'll be home.

Bastardy proceedings!

You know, the last thing in the world
I wanted right then... happened.

All of sudden... boom! There she was.
I couldn't turn around and walk away from it.

I'm sorry!

You all right?

Are you all right?

Shit!

Say girl, you know
you almost killed me.

I'm sorry! I missed the train.

What's more important?
Catching the train or a human life?

My life.

Catching the train.

This one is very good.

This one...
you look a little fat.

Fat!?

Oh, this is very bad for you.
It's very unflattering.

Everyone has just raved
about those photos.

Your friends, right?

They're just lying to you.
They're trying to be kind.

- Ah. Who were you late for?
- An audition.

An audition for a commercial.

- Television commercial?
- Yes.

Television commercial for what?

- Mason's?
- Mason's what?

Hm, toilet bowl cleaner.

You're kidding me?

You mean I got laid out because of
somebody's toilet bowl cleaner?

I'm not kidding.
I would have had the job too.

- Hm.
- Ten commercials.

Do you realize
how much money that is?

- I have to get there.
- That's pretty heavy.

You know, you are never
going to make it on TV.

- What?
- Your butt's too big.

- What!?
- Your ass.

Don't get me wrong,
I kind of like it

but it's really too big
for television.

Come on, my jeep is right
out there. I'll give you a ride.

Apologize first.

Do you want a ride?

♪ And we'll all go together

♪ To pick wild mountain thyme

♪ All around
the bloomin' heather

♪ Will ye go ♪

Well... go ahead. Go help make
all the toilet bowls in the world

just that little bit cleaner.

- Shut up!
- No.

Is that any way to talk to somebody
who's just given you a ride?

Did you really mean
what you said about my...?

About your what? Hm?

About your what?

Well, I haven't eaten in 48 hours.
I've got to go get something to eat.

- I want an apology.
- An apology?

With your figure, your father must be
the producer of that commercial.

- My father is Lyle Harris.
- And who's that?

The news commentator,
Lyle Harris.

Oh, yeah.
That big bag of hot air.

I should have realized a daughter
of his would be all screwed up.

He's all screwed up.

You can't talk to me
like that.

You can't talk about
my father like that.

You're gonna be late.
You can't talk to me like that.

You just can't pick a girl up
off the street

and tell her her father's a bag of hot air
and that she has a fat ass.

I want an apology.

Ah, hello.

May I speak to the er...
toilet bowl people?

They knew who I meant.

Hello?

Hello, is this...
is this the toilet, er...

Is this the toilet bowl
person in charge?

Ah, yeah. Well.
I'm calling for Miss...

I'm calling for Lyle Harris' daughter,
Miss Harris.

I'm calling for Miss Harris.

Yes, I'm her manager and...
I hear... I understand that

you've asked her to audition
for some commercials.

And er... Well, I'm...

First of all Miss Harris
doesn't audition for a job.

You either take her
or you don't.

Secondly, I'm not sure
I like the association

with toilet bowl cleaners.
I'm not too sure it's good for her career.

You know what I mean? Her image.

OK, now.

I got you the day off
and I got you the job.

Hey, what's an agent get? 10%?

Who did you talk to?

I don't know.
Mr. Toilet Bowl Cleaner.

Anyway, he said the only people
who would be uptight

with your association
with toilet bowl cleaners

would be the beer people.

The beer... You do beer stuff?

Anyway, he said they'd be
the only ones to be uptight about it

and that the toilet bowl cleaning gig
would be a lot better financially

and that the exposure
would be greater.

You're out of your mind.

Look, now can we go
get something to eat?

Dressed like this?

- You don't look too bad.
- I mean you, dummy.

What do you think
they'll find on the moon?

Do you like Italian food?

Chinese food?

Did anybody ever buy anything
because of a television commercial?

Have you ever been
to a cat house?

You still go to church!

Are you a virgin?

How many girls
have you made it with?

On the roof of a car?

On a roller coaster!

- You know what I mean?
- Oh.

- What's your name?
- What's yours?

Where are you from?
Where did you go after that?

Then what did you do?
Why did you come back?

Have you ever turned on?
Have you ever been really stoned?

No, I mean really smashed.
Really smashed.

What would you ever want
to do a thing like that for?

You know what I mean.
Know what I mean?

Do you have any brothers
or sisters?

Are you engaged
or married or anything?

Are you going with anyone?

- I go with God.
- What does God look like?

I don't know. It's always easier
to explain something after it happens.

It could have been that I got
involved with the chick

because I wanted to have
an excuse to stick around

and take care of the other
situation. I don't know.

It could have been
any number of things.

I sure as hell was not looking
for any kind of real involvement.

I wasn't looking for another lady.
I wasn't looking to get my life

any more screwed up
than it was right then. But...

I've been in town over 24 hours
now and I'm still just arriving.

Just messing around
doing nothing.

I don't know where I'm going,
what I'm going to do.

I don't even know what I'll be
doing an hour from now.

I think it's great
to be that way.

There's a mission down the road.

You can get a clean bed
and a bowl of soup.

I hope we
didn't make a baby.

Oh...

I thought you said
it'd be all right.

Oh, I'm sure it is.

I should start on Saturday.

OK.

Better find me sex
over the weekend.

I'm going to have to find
somebody else.

Oh, I could probably fix you up
with something.

- Hmm.
- Any specifications?

No...

No, I've decided that
I'm going to remain true to you.

Thank you.

But we'd better stock up
before Saturday.

- Chris.
- Hm?

You'd better go.

You're right. I'd better go.

Chris.

Chris! Close the door.

Chris! Oh, you maniac.

You'd better get away
from my door, Mister,

or I'm going to call the cops.

Chris?

Hello, lady. I'm from
the fornicators' society.

Somebody could have seen you.

We're conducting a survey
on the sexual habits

of young, unmarried females.

You're going to give me
a reputation.

So what?
What's wrong with a reputation?

Without a reputation,
you're nothing.

You know... that's what's wrong
with the world.

People don't devote enough time
to giving themselves reputations.

I don't think it's so ridiculous
for me to want you to leave.

- I didn't say anything.
- But you think it's ridiculous.

Well, it's not as though my leaving
is going to eliminate the possibility

- of you getting laid, daughter?
- Nope.

- Hm, well?
- I know all that.

- Hm-mm.
- But...

I've never done that before.
It's...

It's just the one thing
that I don't want to do.

I mean we can make love
and that's right.

But going to bed...

Well, Lynn, uh...

How would you like it
if I slept on the couch?

You'd think I'm crazy
but that would be OK.

Oh, you've got be kidding me.

Don't you have
any little hang-ups like that?

- Things from your upbringing.
- Yeah, I'm afraid of cops.

Hey, don't you have
any little bathtub toys?

Little soapy toys
or something?

Now that's a hang-up.

- Or boats? Little toy boats?
- No.

Hey, what's wrong with that?

Little toy boats are contributive
to the nation's economy.

Important market items.

Hey, you may be called upon
some day to do a television commercial

for... somebody's
toy aircraft carriers.

Somebody has to sell
little plastic aircraft carriers.

Chris, why do you want me?

All I could come up with was...

You're a hell of beautiful lady.

She was a hell of a beautiful lady
but that's not enough to...

I love you.

Well... that's kind of
understandable. Isn't it?

Well, I dug her.
I mean, there was something.

There was a certain part of Lynn
that always got to me.

I could never really
understand it.

I... I... I could never figure
it out. I couldn't tell her.

Chris, what are you going
to do?

Mm?

I mean, are we going
to be together for a while?

Hm-mm.

I'll have to find
an apartment for you.

I still don't have it clear.

I still can't figure out
why the whole thing happened.

'Don't you
believe in law and order?

'Don't you believe that
policeman was doing his job?'

'You just have to pay
your doctor bills and everything.'

'Well, don't stand
in the way next time.

'And don't stand in my way.
I have to move along, sir.

'People are waiting to say
important things on this show.

'Good morning.
Lay it on the line.'

'Lyle?'

'Yeah, that's who you called.
Go ahead. Speak your piece.'

'I have
a problem here...'

'You've got a problem.'

'Walking
down the street...'

'Everybody
has a problem.'

'What's yours? Walking?'

'Let me get
into this thing.'

'Go ahead. I'm waiting.'

'I was walking down the street.
You got these damn pigeons.

'They're arrogant as hell.

'You walk up the street
and they'll stand in front of you...'

'They talk back to you,
sir. Is that your problem?'

- 'No, they won't move.'
- 'They won't move?

'You mean to say you're the kind of
man that can't even frighten a pigeon?'

'Why, I frighten them.
If they don't move, I swing my feet.

'I give them a healthy kick.'

'When I walk
down the street,

'they move out of the way.'

'Even whenever
you're driving down the street,

'they won't even move
out of the way and I just...

'sometimes I get so mad,
I just drive right for them.'

'Well, then you've solved
the problem.

'There don't happen to be pedestrians
when you drive into them?'

'It'll take a year
to kill them all by myself.'

Hi.

They're great!
Oh, they're wonderful.

How did you get them so fast?

Hi.

You can't see you.

You can see me
in the other room.

Oh, I see.

- I'm not kidding.
- Hm-mm?

No, I'm serious. You see the
other side in the other room.

You rat!

Wait a minute,
before you vilify me further.

See what I've brought in
from the West.

The finest in exotic food,
drink.

A veritable treasure trove
of palatable perfection.

- Even got a little dope.
- You're kidding?

Yeah. I'm only kidding you.

Is this it?

That is grass, lady.
Good grass.

I've never seen it loose before.
Only in cigarettes.

- You are a liar.
- No.

- You're a liar.
- Smoke it?

- No, not now.
- Yes. Please.

- I have to change. What's that?
- It's a typewriter.

Been doing a little writing.
I couldn't find a pencil.

- Where did you get it?
- I bought it.

I don't know whether
to believe you or not.

You're not
a very trusting person.

A liar
and a not very trusting person.

- What are you writing?
- My first novel.

- What's it about?
- Nothing.

- Nothing?
- And everything.

Everything and nothing.

Well, it isn't about anything.
It is something.

Then what is it?

It's a book... It's a book!

Does it have a story?

The book will have a cover.

Probably a jacket
with my picture on it.

And pages.

Probably have...
400 or 500 pages.

Where did you get the grass?

Oh, well you didn't have
any of that here either

so I borrowed some
from the next door neighbor.

Oh. I know that's not true.
Mr. Straight.

Oh, Mr. Straight
live next door?

Hm-mm.

Hm, damn. I always wondered
where Mr. Straight lived.

He lives next door.
Boy, is he a turn off.

- Oh, yeah?
- Hm-mm.

- You sleep with him?
- No.

Oh, that's right.
You don't sleep with anybody.

- You ever had sex with him?
- You're a very rude person.

That's right.

But you got to admit
it's a productive kind of rudeness.

Keeps things in perspective.

I'm glad you're still here.

- What did you do today?
- Hm. Another commercial thing.

Well, that's weird.

An aluminum fry pan.

Wait a minute.

Oh, I even have one of these cases
to hold it when it gets small.

What are you doing? No.

Take a deep drag and hold it.
Where did you get this?

Maybe this will explain it.

Now hold it in. Really deep.
Long as you can.

Saw it in cigarettes, huh?

I don't know if Lynn was really
into it or if she was just behaving

the way she thought
I wanted her to behave. Or what?

I don't know
if the girl was stoned or not.

Did you see "On the Beach"?

- "On the Beach", the movie?
- Hm.

There's a scene in there
that reminds me of this.

There are these two people.
I think they were married.

Yeah, they were married
because they had a child.

They had to kill the child.

- They had to kill it?
- Yeah.

Everyone was dying
of radiation anyway.

So the governments were
passing out these poison pills

so you could die painlessly.

And so, they got all tucked in bed
and they took their pills with their tea.

And that reminds you of this?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

No. Really, that's not the part.

- No, I understand.
- No, really.

See, they got all tucked in bed
and they took their pills.

They had to wait. They didn't
know when it would happen.

That's the part.

Now, who the hell knows
what they want?

You know, who knows what they want?
Who knows what's right or wrong?

Who knows...
why they do everything they do?

Sometimes I think we get all fouled up
into looking for too many answers

and we end up doing nothing.
You know what I mean?

I mean, we spend a lot of time
trying to solve old problems and...

...and we don't get anywhere.

So of course,
a lot of it is inside my head.

A lot of it is wrapped up
inside there

but why do I have to keep
spending time trying to figure out why?

And telling people why.
And why do I have to...

...to have a reason
for the whole thing all the time.

I don't know why it happened.

- You know why you want me?
- Yeah.

- Why?
- Because you're silly.

And you're cute.

- Cute?
- I think you're cute.

And you're honest.

About everything.

I think that's the most
important thing.

I don't think I've ever met
anyone like you.

People just aren't like that.

It should be
the easiest thing in the world.

I wonder why it isn't?
Maybe it is.

It just seems... right.

Happy.

It's because
it wasn't deliberate.

Hm?

We didn't... know
it was going to happen.

That's why it can be honest.

I mean, we weren't interested
in each other, so...

...we didn't have time
to plan an approach.

Yeah.

Which scene is this?

I guess it doesn't matter
why we want each other.

Great take.

- Scene 23A...
- Take two.

15 more minutes.

Scene 23A, take two.

'I just get so sick of it
sometimes.'

Standing around, day after day,
turning this way and that way.

I'm either sweating to death
under the hot lights or

trying to get excited
about a lousy glass of beer.

Hand me my eye pencil.

Oh, it's...
it's just frustrating.

What do you know
about frustration?

Maybe I'm just cut out
to be a wife and mother.

Oh, Lynn. Stop jabbing like an ass.
Hand me my eye lash curler.

Marriage. Look what marriage
did for me.

Perfect couple they called us.

I was the perfect wife.
I was the perfect hostess.

I gave perfect dinner parties.
I made perfect small talk.

Just to push that big baboon
to the top.

He asked me about the operation.

He said he'll take care of everything
that the insurance doesn't cover.

I bet he was very reassuring.

I can just see his big fat
happy face just the way he gets

when he gives
the weather report.

Wish I had your chance
knowing what I know now.

Chance for what?

I don't even know
what I really want.

I tell you what you want.

You want to get ahead
and make a lot of money.

Your own money.
That's what you want.

I should learn
to stop listening to you.

I can never tell when you mean
something or when you're just rapping.

I mean everything I say
when I rap.

When are we going to eat?

I stood in line
for three hours today

to get those forms.
The least you can do is fill them out.

Come on, Lynn. You mean I have
to spend four years at school

because you wasted
three hours in line.

You asked me to get these.
I thought you were serious.

It's the most logical thing
you could do.

You could sit around
for another four years

without making a single decision
about your life.

I've been sitting around here
for two months

watching you stare at that typewriter
and stare at that television,

waiting for you to figure out
what you want to do.

Well, what are you going to do,
Chris? I'm pregnant.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, wow.

I'm not pregnant.

I'm sorry.

'Hello, there.
Lay it on the line.'

'Lyle?'

'Well, who are
you calling, sir?'

- 'Lyle?'
- 'Who are you calling?

- 'Who are you calling?'
- 'Hello.'

- 'Hello.'
- 'Lyle.'

'Are we going to sit
around all day saying hello?

'Let's forget the amenities.
Lay it on the line, sir.'

I wake up in the morning
and I say to Lynn,

You still haven't told me why you
locked me out of your room last night.

She comes up with some kind of crazy ass
excuse of, "My mother's coming today."

So I can't sleep with you last night
because your mother is coming today.

Just the way she said it.
"It'd be like cheating her."

I never thought of it that way.

Exactly. It's like cheating her.

You'll have to get all of
your things out of here today.

You know I haven't touched you
in three weeks.

- It's been three days.
- Might as well be three weeks.

Got to think of my health.

Oh... I just stayed away
the rest of that day.

I went to see Terri and the kid.

- Chris?
- Hm-mm.

Why do you keep
coming back like this?

I mean, what does it do for you
coming back here?

Makes me a daddy.

It's too late
to get involved in now.

We don't need you anymore.

Is he my kid, Terri?

I'd like to think of him
as yours.

And I'd really like him
to be yours.

But I'm not sure.

Slate.

"Nice-Nap Carpets".
Scene 9, take 3. Sound 3.

Action.

Wouldn't you really love
to lay one on your floor?

Cut.

- OK, camera.
- 2.5 seconds.

Michael, that line is
filthy. That's worse now

- than it was in the script.
- It works better now.

We should go with that original idea.
We had "put a Nice-Nap your floor."

No, no.

That was better.
This is dirty.

This is today. This is...

This is not the kind of thing
people want today.

There's a Lynn Harris here
to see you.

I think we ought to go back to
that original idea we were talking about.

We're gonna shoot it this way.
It works. I like it this way.

The way you're running things
around here, Michael, I don't like it.

Michael...

Michael, I have to talk
with you.

OK, let's roll
another one.

Quiet please.

Let's slave.

"Nice-Nap Carpet".
Scene 9. Take 5. Sound 5.

OK. Action.

OK. Really lean into it.
Convince me.

Wouldn't you really love
to lay one on your floor?

OK, one more time.
You moved your eyes.

Keep your eyes right on me.
OK? Give it to me.

Wouldn't you really love
to lay one on your floor?

- OK, camera.
- 4.5 seconds.

- Sound good.
- OK. That's a take. Cut.

Michael...
This is important.

- So is this.
- But I just want...

All right,
here we go again.

Call me tomorrow.

Quiet, please.

All right.
What are you doing?

I'm trying to fly.

Captain Marvel can fly.
Why can't I fly?

Chris, you're not an idiot.
Why act like an idiot?

Butchers, bakers,
candlestick makers.

Do you know a tribe of Indians
that needs a good Indian chief?

You know, I think I would make
one hell of a good Indian chief.

- Height?
- 5' 9".

- Weight?
- 155.

Eyes...

-...dirty brown.
- Black!

Dirty brown.

Can't you just right down black?
What the hell do they care? Eyes?

Single, married, divorced?

What do you intend to major in?

- Now, that's frightening.
- What?

What do you intend to do with
the next 50 or 60 years of your life?

I'm sorry Lynn but I'm going to have
to waste three hours of your life.

- Chris!
- Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I've got a job.

Well, I have an interview
for a job.

I don't see any reason
why they wouldn't give it to me

because I am magnificent.
Come on. Let's go to bed.

- Chris.
- Come on.

- Where?
- In the bedroom. Where else?

What kind of job? Where?

A very good job.

Are you serious?

Pierce, Burns and Manspeaker.

- You have an interview?
- With Mr. Manspeaker himself.

Chris, that's one of
the biggest agencies... Oh.

And now they're going to have
a copywriter who can write good.

Well... good.

Chris, you just can't walk
into a place like that

and expect to get a job
because you think you can do it

better than anyone else.
You can't do it!

You need experience.
Be sensible.

Hey, Lynn. Wait a minute.
What the hell is this?

Now, I don't want
to go to school for four years.

Now you tell me
what the hell is sensible.

My guitar. Is that sensible?

Look, I got a good shot
at this job and I can do it.

I'm surprised they'd even
let you in the door.

Oh...

I used your father's name
as a reference.

- Don't you care about anything?
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

What the hell is bugging you?

You're a bitch. You know that?

I see you...
were referred to us by...

Lyle Harris.

That's Lyle Harris
the newscaster?

That's right.

- Pretty good reference.
- Very good reference.

Now, what agency are you from?

None.

With no experience.
We rarely...

As an advertiser, no.

As a writer, yes.

I do have a good background
for advertising, however.

What background?

I was a pimp
for a couple of years.

- Did you say pimp?
- He said pimp. Pimp.

What's a pimp
got to do with it?

I'm selling myself
to you right now...

and I'm succeeding.

What makes think
you're succeeding?

- Your pupils.
- Pupils?

Pupils.

Your pupils have expanded
since we've been talking.

Your emotional response
to me is positive.

I have an unusual approach
and you're interested.

I could apply this approach
to whatever you're selling.

I have a hunch about you.
This is a young country.

Half the people under 25.

And we must communicate
with the Pepsi generation.

You seem to have
the necessary get-up-and-go.

Go, go, go.

You see, I feel as though a pimp
makes a natural advertiser.

They both deal with the public
in the same way.

Offering a release.

A solution to frustrations.
A fulfilment of desires.

One does it with a quick piece of ass.
The other with a... new deodorant.

Toilet bowl cleaner.

Yeah, that's one way
of putting it.

That's one hell of a way
of putting it.

Hal, you have to admit.
That's one hell of a way of putting it.

I'll have to talk to Bill and see if this
will fit into our "triple treat" philosophy.

- "Triple treat"?
- Our agency philosophy.

A treat in the product,
a treat in the message,

tailored to treat
a target audience.

I think that can wait, Ralph.

Also, I'd like to have
a few words with Chris alone.

- If you don't mind?
- Surely, Sir. Go ahead.

Oh, if I may inject just one other item.
Erm. Chris... about your hair.

Don't worry about it, fella.
Long hair is A-OK with us. Really.

Just thought I'd reassure him
that hair has nothing to do with

whether or not he got the job.

'Personnel, Marilyn.'

- I love you. Marilyn.
- 'Oh, I love you too. Bob.'

Uh, Marilyn. Have Larry send Ralph
on a two-week vacation, will you?

He's getting pushy again.

And Marilyn... ask, er...
Larry to set Ralph up.

- You mean...?
- Yeah.

- Will do.
- Thanks, love.

I have a hunch about you, Chris.

That's what the hell is wrong
with everything.

There's a trainee meeting
tomorrow at 10:00.

See you there.

I mean, how can I place any kind of
value on a thing like that?

I went in there, fed those people all kinds
of horseshit and they offered me a job.

Chris, I'm an idiot.

Yes, you are.

I'm an idiot and a child.
And I'm sorry.

It's just...

I don't want to screw things up.
I don't want to screw things up for you.

That's not the hit.

That's not the hit at all.
It's not you, it's me.

You're not forcing me into doing
anything I don't want to do.

I want to do it. I knew it before I met you
I was gonna have to get...

Get into a new thing.

I knew I was going to have
to get a new thing together.

All I needed was
to get up off my dead ass.

To finally do something.

I'll tell you why
I came back here.

I might have a kid.
I might be a father.

It's some girl I used to...

She has this little boy.

To tell you the truth,
I couldn't tell you how she took it.

The kid looks like me.

There must 150 kids
who look like me.

I mean, I couldn't even explain
to you what the reaction was.

It was like a... no reaction.

If I knew the kid was mine...

...I'd take care of it.

If Lynn and I had a kid,

I would have married her. Yeah.

But who the hell needs that?

A little boy.

His name's Chris.

Three months.

I didn't know who else
to come to.

- What about the father?
- He doesn't know.

Thank you.

Let's see. Father doesn't know,
you don't want him to know.

Whole thing
wouldn't work out anyway, right?

Look, I know what I'm doing.
I've already made up my mind.

I thought you could help me.

When I said
I could arrange anything,

I was thinking of creating,
not destroying.

Thank you, Michael.

Ooh, that was cruel. Sorry.

Guess I'm a bit envious
of your friend.

- Can I take your order?
- No, I'd like a check.

I have to make
a few phone calls.

How do we get young men
to join the army?

How do we get them to want to be
part of the army team?

You were in the service,
weren't you, Chris?

That's why we've chosen
this army recruiting campaign

for your trial assignment.

We'd like you to whip up
a few TV commercials for us.

Here's all the dope you'll need.
It'll give you hands on what to point up.

Why would a young man want to
risk getting his head blown off?

Maybe it's the sharp uniform.

Or we could play up
the leader of men aspect.

I've got it. The nurse.

The army nurse. Dancing with
a pretty army nurse.

Isn't that beautiful?

Or... maybe it's all those
shining bright medals.

The status thing.

Here you are, Chris.
Here's the whole ball of wax.

Good luck, son.

Oh, and remember,
a treat in the product,

a treat in the message,
tailor to treat a target audience.

I'm sorry.

I can't do it.

Who are these goddamn people?

All these goddamned gray
flannelled briefcases, afternoon shoppers,

staring at the silly ass
collection of gears and pulleys.

Silly ass piece of junk.

Trying to figure it out.
Trying to analyze it.

What does it mean?

It's because I'm silly ass
stuck out there

where you can get
a good look at it.

What do you want, Chris?
what do you want?

What do I want?

- Peanut butter sandwich?
- What else?

A Malibu beach four-ply
construction perma press tie.

And a bowl of electric cherries.

A partridge in a pear tree.

And when all the people move out
of the cities into national parks,

we'll change the cities
into great big amusement parks

so you can go there on a
Sunday afternoon and fool around.

Jesus, I wish I could talk
to you.

And I guess one night
just tore it.

She was supposed to come back
from some gig she had.

And I waited there till 10:30.

I guess I even had
my mind made up before that

and I just welcomed the chance.

- You get the cash.
- Yeah.

Give me it.

OK. You had anything to eat
for the last 12 hours?

- No.
- That's good.

Try to relax. You're probably
a little nervous.

You're gonna have a little miscarriage.
Have a drink. Take one drink.

I don't want to scare you,
but if you don't do exactly what you're told

they're going to find you.

I've seen a lot of girls
go through this.

You're going to lose some blood.
It's only natural. It happens every time.

You follow instructions and do what
the man says, everything's fine.

He's going to put you up on the table,
reach inside and make a little hole.

About a week or so later,
you'll have a little miscarriage.

You don't do what you're told,
you got problems.

You understand?

It'll take us about
a half hour to get there.

I'll bring you back here then.

I don't know where she was.
I don't know.

- Hello.
- Doc.

Sit down if you like.
I'll just be a moment.

- Care for a shot of whisky?
- I already gave her one.

- No, thank you.
- One more won't hurt.

I'd just like
to get this over with.

You know, I think
the greatest crime in the world

is for a woman to have a baby
that she doesn't want.

Hop on the towel, please.

Please remove your panties,

roll your stockings down
and pull your skirt back to your waist.

She could have been out getting an
ice cream cone all night. I don't know.

She could have been with
some other guy, I don't know.

I don't know where she was.

I think right at that point,
I didn't even really care.

I think I was happy
that she wasn't there.

I think I was happy
that I was angry with her.

I think I was happy
just to get the hell out of it.

Now lie back
and pull your knees back.

Please keep still. You'll feel a
sharp pain for about 30 seconds.

That should be all.
I'll warn you when it's coming.

Don't be afraid of this.

It's just used as a guide.
Nothing to worry about.

Take it easy. Everything's
going to be all right.

- I can't do this.
- Please, please.

- No.
- I know what I'm doing. Relax.

OK, stop it. Take it easy!

Hey! What are you doing?

Yeah.

The door's open.

Yeah?

- Are you looking for the girl?
- Terri.

- Moved out.
- Oh yeah?

- You don't know where, do you?
- No. Landlord might.

- Oh yeah.
- You want his number?

No, no. I, er... I can get it.

- Never mind.
- OK.

Roger! Roger!

Roger! Roger!

- Roger!
- What's the matter?

There's someone up in our tree.
Go and look.

Well, who would I talk to
about something like that?

Let me talk to him then.

- What are you doing?
- I'm calling the police.

The fuzz.

I thought they were
just a bunch of Fascist pigs.

You know what that is up
in the tree? That's your son.

Chris!

My son!

What the hell are you doing up
in that tree?

Don't yell at him.
He probably has his reasons.

- Life moves in subtle ways.
- Get down out of that tree.

Don't talk to him like that.
He's not a little boy anymore.

Then what's he doing
up in that tree?

You have no idea where she went?

I guess I could find out.

I don't know.

You should have let me handle
the whole thing.

I called my lawyer. I could have had
that whole mess straightened out.

You're just too damn stubborn.

Being a man means
that you're ready to take...

Bullshit! What the hell
does being a man have to do

with letting you handle
my problems?

I'm not about to stake you
to three more years...

...of trying to figure them out
for yourself.

- It's not a stake, it's a loan.
- Where's my collateral?

As long as I keep bumming around

on the no good hippy
dirty Communist circuit

you're always assured of
a piece of ass when I'm in town.

- Wait a minute, your mother...
- What the hell?

Let her know you're a man too.

Been ignoring her
for the last 15 years.

That's about enough of that.

Dad, I just don't want to go
work in your baby food factory.

And I don't want to sell
vacuum cleaners.

I don't want to sell little toy
plastic aircraft carriers.

And I don't want to...

I don't know what I want.

Chris, I think I understand what
you're talking about. A little bit, anyway.

These problems are a bit like going
to Howard Johnson's for ice cream.

You can get all kinds of wild,
exotic flavors, but...

...somehow you always wind up
with vanilla.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Dad!
I could cry.

- Did you get what I mean?
- I don't see how...

All you have to do is occasionally,
just once in a while listen to what...

Wait... hold on...
Now, just a minute, Dad!

How about the poor bastard
that gets hung up on butter pecan?

He's disappointed
when he can't get it.

There's always vanilla, Chris.
Always vanilla.

That's what it comes down to,
huh?

If you get what I mean.

'There's always
a little more life available

'to the man who thinks bold,
acts bold...'

'...the man who was bold enough
to do what he likes, take what he wants,

'takes the beer that says
bold is his lifestyle.

'Bold Gold.

'Brewed by men who aren't afraid
to put out a beer that's all guts.

'Brewed for the man who likes to
know he's drinking when he drinks a beer.

'For the man who thinks bold,
acts bold.

'Bold Gold,

'in the gold bottle with the
bold label.'

'My next guest,
she's crazy, witty

'and her latest job is in choreographing
the great Off-Broadway show "Putz".

'Let's have a big round of
applause for Elsie Doughty.'

'Well, tell us about your
"Putz".'

'Putz.'

'You got to hear about
my new play.'

'He's a dirty old man.'

'You want to hear
about my new play?'

'Yes, I would.'

'It's called "Lost".

'It's about a poor Puerto Rican
guy in New York City, the ghetto.

'He has nine children.'

I'll get it.

'His wife had five
at one time.'

- 'One time?'
- 'Quintuplets.'

Here you are. Sign right here.

Pretty damn light.
I bet there's nothing in it.

Some kind of a joke.

'You mean you don't
have a message?'

'We're just showing things
the way they are.'

What the hell is this?

♪ And we'll all go together

♪ To pick wild mountain thyme

♪ All around
the bloomin' heather

♪ Where you go ♪