Original subtitles

I only have a few minutes. Bill's in the shower.

Okay, so, how did it go?

Bill had his first dose last night with his evening tea.

Okay, coz, look, I know you're worried

about his ex rearing her pretty little head,

but we have to take this slow and smart,

a little bit at a time, so it seems nice and natural.

Well, Dani removed her stiletto

from the neck of our relationship for now,

and Bill-- you know, he realized

the error of his ways and doubled down

on us and our marriage.

Well, I mean, he did cheat on her with you, so...

I've been with him longer than any of my other husbands.

I believe him.

So, does that change your math?

No. I'm not letting up until

I'm one rich widow who shares with her favorite coz.

I just need to lay my eyes on the policy.

It'd be damn ironic if the papers weren't in order.

It isn't anywhere in this house. It must be at the office.

What's at the office?

Bill.

Baby, you look like a ghost.

Are... are you feeling okay?

[groans]

I need to talk to Shanice.

Can you stand right here for a second?

Just give me a wall to lean on.

-Do what you have to do. -Okay.

I need a favor.

And what do I get?

The satisfaction of helping someone.

Scratch that. The satisfaction of helping a Dupree.

This is next-level.

Oh. "A ChelseaKat bag" next-level?

"I will name a bag after you" next-level.

Oh. Deal.

Kat. Hello.

Why didn't you say something sooner?

He looks like he needs a doctor.

In a private room.

We need the best and we need loads of discretion.

-Let me get a look at him. -Like, examine him?

Okay, where is the pain, Tomas?

I think I pulled a muscle or something.

-In your lower back? -Uh,

a little lower than that.

Just tell me where the pain is so I can get you

to the right doctor.

It's, uh...

It's his penis.

I broke his penis.

♪ ♪

Look up! Selfie.

I need it for my socials.

And I need to figure out what college I'm going to

so I can figure out the rest of my life.

You don't need me to take a selfie.

Hence in the title, "selfie."

I do if I don't want to look thirsty.

But you are thirsty.

Y-You know, you could have taken that picture

in the time you just spent being an A-hat.

In my day, we barely had homework.

These are college brochures.

I have no idea where I'm going.

So many choices. It's-it's impossible.

Too many choices.

That's wonderful.

Your dads must be so proud.

The brochures keep coming.

This time next year, our son will be in college

and Samantha the year after.

It's a crazy, happy blur.

Do you think we're ready for our nest to be empty?

They'll always come home.

And we'll always be in their business.

It will be a big shift, though.

Right now, my day doesn't begin or end until I hear

the footsteps on those stairs.

Tyrell sounds like Bigfoot now.

And seeing their faces over cereal every morning.

We will have lots of alone time.

Hmm. And no more worrying about the kids walking in

when we have that alone time.

We are alone right now.

The kids are staying at school after their free period.

And whatever should we do with the time?

Mm. Somehow, you're an even better kisser

than when we first met.

Maybe kissing just hits different after you say "I do."

And I didn't know renewing our vows would feel this...

Profound?

Yeah. Yeah, I feel it, too.

And standing up in front of the kids

and my mom and dad and saying those words...

just makes us feel stronger,

deeper and more real.

It's too bad it didn't work out for your folks.

Yeah. Seeing my mom run out

after the ceremony just broke my heart.

Have you been able to reach her yet?

No. We've been playing phone tag.

But I'll catch up with her

between patients at the hospital.

Okay. You should go.

After another one of those kisses.

Doesn't seem like you're leaving.

Well, my brilliant husband did point out

that we have to take advantage of an empty house.

It's like a whole gauntlet.

Taking tests, writing essays, touring campuses,

then waiting months to hear back about acceptance.

If they come back.

Then my dads can be proud again.

Aw. [chuckles]

That's nonsense.

They already are.

When you get in, we are totally throwing a bed party for you.

-W-What is a bed party? -Oh, it's just the coolest.

Your family-- they trick out your bedroom

with college merch, balloons, and they go

completely over the top once you get those acceptances.

And then you sit in bed and you're celebrated

like the prince that you are.

This is why Dad didn't tell you about the surprise wedding.

I don't know much about colleges,

but you must have the grades and the smarts.

I recognize these fancy names.

We'll see.

You have the whole world of possibilities in front of you.

You're going to do big, beautiful things.

Thanks, June.

This can't be happening.

JUNE: Who is she?

That's Jessica.

Tyrell's ex.

Again, the medical term's "penile contusion."

Ow. Please stop saying that.

Are you sure you don't want to sit?

No, I'm good with standing.

-I like standing. -Okay,

how's the pain on a scale from one to ten?

This is way past ten. It's not on your scale.

Okay. Just breathe. Focus on my voice. Can you do that?

Okay. Was this a result of a traumatic event?

Uh, you could say that.

Uh, good trauma.

Like good trouble...

You tell her.

It's my fault. I just wanted

to try some new positions, and he had me...

Okay, you're getting to the TMI section of...

-So, just broad strokes? -Uh...

Let's just say "injury from sexual activity."

Now, Tomas, have you urinated since the incident?

Last thing on my mind.

-It's a yes or no. -No.

We came straight here.

Did the erection go away or did it last a while?

-It lasted a while. -Ow.

And I'm pretty sure it's gone away forever.

Can we do this somewhere else?

Okay, I have a room for you. Just follow me.

Right over this way, handsome.

Should I come with you?

Uh, just to be safe, I think you should wait out here. Hmm?

I have to go, Caroline.

Bill's Caroline?

Yes. All right, bye.

What did Caroline need?

Uh, a case file. She thought

maybe one of us had taken it home.

-Which file? -Something old.

She must be doing file cleanup.

But it's not here.

Caroline is usually a human Apple tag

when it comes to files.

Oh... Baby, you... you look flushed.

Maybe you should spend the day in bed,

let me pamper you, to be safe.

Oh, wow. Bill, you feel hot.

Well, I just got out of the shower.

And I'm looking at you, so I'm all kinds of hot.

You can't charm your way out of me taking care of you,

so just sit down.

Okay?

Rest your eyes and let me get you a cup of tea.

Did that Jessica break your heart?

It's not that serious.

The look in those puppy dog eyes tell a different story.

I'm going to go over there.

-June, no. -Uh...

To take her order.

Don't say anything about me.

I got this. I know how to be chill.

Maybe we should just go.

You're the one who messed up.

Own it, and maybe she'll forgive, forget

and agree to hang out with you again.

I wish. But I was the one that

accused her of trolling me when she kissed me.

And now she doesn't even see me when I walk in the hallways.

I haven't been ghosted.

It's like I'm the actual ghost.

How do I recover from that?

You were in your feelings about the whole trolling situation.

Go tell her that it wasn't cool for you to suggest

that she could be a part of all that drama.

She can't melt unless you talk to her.

Says the girl who's trying to snag a guy with selfies.

I'm putting myself out there. You're hiding.

You couldn't let yourself believe

that she could actually like you.

But she was into you for your chess-loving,

anime-watching and most likely Ivy-League-going self.

Not the guy with

the chess boxer shorts chip on his shoulder.

Feelings like that-- you know,

they don't just go away

'cause the guy gets salty for a second.

Maybe you should be filling out these apps for me.

[grunts softly] Tyrell, I'm sorry.

She wants a restraining order?

No, worse. She ordered

a grilled cheese with tomato.

And?

The tomato ruins the integrity of the crust.

Now, what does that soggy mess say about her?

You dodged a bullet.

You can't be serious.

Not even a little.

But the fact that you care that much about her order

says that you may still be up in your feelings, baby.

But you didn't tell her that?

That's your job.

-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm.

That was...

You really do know how to maximize every

second of a long time.

I really do have to go, though.

I had some other things in mind.

Good thing we have tonight and the rest of our lives

for those things.

What else do you have on tap for today?

Um... I have some follow-ups.

I have some stories I have to read down...

-Mm-hmm. -...and I'm going to look at our calendar

to plan that honeymoon.

Oh, can you put lunch with the grands on the calendar?

They want to make up for missing our vow renewal.

So a fancy lunch. Are we gonna wear suits?

Mm...

Their text message just says

"we want to celebrate the happy couple."

Now, with the grands, that could either mean

an elegant lunch with a string quartet

or a hot-air balloon.

You know what I like most about this non-specific invite?

What?

"Happy couple."

We are happy, aren't we?

-The happiest. -Because we belong together.

And we're stronger now. Not everybody can say that.

This'll cure whatever ails you.

Mm. Well, you're my cure, baby.

Mm, after I see the bottom of that cup.

-Or maybe I can just cup your... -[phone buzzing]

Oh... hold on.

Oh.

Hey, Caroline. Did you find that file?

-What file? -The file you were looking f--

Uh, Caroline, Bill's a little under the weather.

I'm trying to convince him to stay home.

Then you're not going to like this.

I wanted Bill to come in and cover the Aikkes deposition.

Tomas' case?

Tomas is in the hospital.

Oh, dear. Is it something serious?

He says it's minor, but Bill's the only one

up to speed on Aikkes, and I know what a big whale he is.

BILL: Yeah, listen, Caroline, I hear you. I'm on my way.

Uh, I'd feel better if you stayed home.

Well, I'd feel better if we don't lose that whale.

Copy that. I'll stall him.

Caroline said Tomas was in a minor accident

and he's in the hospital.

Uh, well, poor kid, but poor us

if we don't do that Aikkes deposition today.

Wai--

I thought we agreed

that you could use some time in bed.

Yeah, babe, look, I'm fine, okay? I-I feel fine.

And depositions never wait. When someone's ready to talk,

you let 'em talk unless they clam up.

You know what else you don't postpone?

Your health.

Look, I love that you're so worried about me,

but I'd rather have your sticky fingers

on my body and not my phone.

I was just trying to clear the way

for you to feel better.

Are you mad?

Of course not. But I have to get dressed, babe.

Okay, well, I'll get your go-cup for your tea.

Uh, there's no need. All right? You have it.

Your sister's right. Grilled cheese was very courteous.

Sweet, even.

I messed up so bad. You don't even know.

I don't need to know.

You didn't mean to mess up, right?

-Right. -Then where your heart was

when you screwed up-- it counts for something.

Okay.

I'm going in.

-Tyrell. -Jessica.

Is this a bad time?

I'm just up to here conjugating French verbs.

Exam tomorrow.

I'll leave you to your exams.

But I definitely needed a break.

So I can join you?

Bien sur.

Je ne parle pas français.

That's all I know.

Our dads took us to France once.

Samantha and Pop were rock stars with the language,

while Dad and I were too busy

ordering mystery meats instead of steak.

"Bien sur"means "of course,"

and steak means steak.

Sit.

I knew tomato grilled cheese wasn't going to let us down.

Yeah, let's hope. He was really down bad for her.

I love the way the two of you root for each other.

You're such a good sister.

Well, he's a good brother.

I'm so glad you and your dads found each other.

They gave you what I couldn't:

security, stability that allows you kids

to worry about the things kids should be worried about.

College, crushes, boys, girls, life.

June, you're here now

and I am totally secure with our fam.

But I...

I'm feeling a little wobbly today

and I'm not even wearing heels.

Because of the boy?

I posted a selfie

and I can see Nathan's totally online,

but he hasn't liked my post.

Nobody has.

Honey, that's all?

That's not even a blip.

Trust me, there are people dealing with worse.

A lot worse.

-Hey. -What are you doing here?

Oh, I mean, I'm so glad to see you. I...

I feel horrible for missing your vow renewal.

No worries.

I'm glad that you're taking some time to focus on your love life.

I mean, with all our drama--

Mom and Dad, me and Smitty--

sometimes you need to take care of yourself.

You're here checking on Mom, too?

I'm actually here taking care of something else.

Kat, is there something going on with your health?

No.

Uh, not unless you can

die from embarrassment.

Tell me. Whatever it is,

I'm sure I'm guilty of worse.

I doubt it.

Have you ever broken Smitty's penis?

Hold up. Run that back.

How is my favorite editor in chief?

No, I'm not glossing you.

Yes, I do have a couple hot takes

that I can expand into my next long-form piece.

Well, unless you have anything juicier.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is intriguing.

Tell me more.

Oh. You're here.

Aikkes has had enough biscotti and coffee to last until dinner.

Mm. Okay. Uh...

What about our boy Tomas--

any word on what took him to the hospital?

Mm. He sounded strained.

All he cared about was not disappointing you.

-Mm. -But since you haven't shown

the same good sense Tomas had to go straight to the hospital,

I'm more concerned about you.

Yeah, look, Hayley is just in wifey mode.

Well, then, I'm in work wifey mode.

The last time you protested this much

about your health you had a stroke.

Caroline, you don't have to worry about me

haunting the halls of this place for a long time, okay?

Good. Because, you know...

I don't just care you're in this office.

I care you're in the world,

so I'm with Hayley on staying vigilant.

Okay. Noted and appreciated.

All right? And back at you.

You know, ten years of you building this office

and telling me about myself.

What was I right about this time?

Well, getting caught up in Dani's headwinds again?

Yeah, but you set me back on course,

as always, right back on the Hayley.

You know, Dani is my past and Hayley's my future,

and I don't, you know, don't want to

let anything get in the way of what we have.

Not even my own damn ego or the threat of death itself.

Bravo.

You're happiest when you're clear-eyed about what you want.

Mm.

Oh, I meant to ask, did you ever

find that file you were looking for?

-The one-- -Oh, that's all me.

I'll sort it out with Caroline.

Aikkes is ready and restless.

Okay. Well, I'll see you after.

I'm sorry for getting our wires crossed.

I told Bill I wanted an old file for reference

and he heard you were looking for it.

Ah. It happens. I can help you now. Which file?

Use me while Bill's busy.

That's just the thing-- I think Bill could use you in

as backup and I can poke around in here.

Okay.

-Nosy beeyotch. [scoffs] -[phone buzzing]

What is it now?

You sounded like maybe we had some trouble.

I handled it. Now I'm going to handle my business.

Okay. Did you find the policy?

I'm about to look, okay? Stay tuned.

Sometimes I forget that you're still getting acclimated.

The job, us--

it must be a lot.

When you said that there were people with worse deals,

were you talking about you?

I've been better than I've been in a long time.

I just meant that there are loads of people

who haven't had a change in luck like me.

And I sounded like a brat worried about likes.

You being this carefree is all I've ever wanted for you.

Now explain to me

why likes are important.

Why care what people you've never met think of you?

It's something about dopamine.

It feels great when you get them and awful when you don't.

And when the likes are from someone that you know and like,

it's almost like confirmation that they might like you back.

Mm-hmm!

So, this isn't about all the likes,

it's about one like in particular?

Uh...

Can I take a look?

Yeah.

Okay, let's see.

Uh...

-Well, there's the problem. -What?

Ever since my re-entry, this is one of

the many things I do not get.

W-What?

You and your brother are Duprees.

Your brother is applying to Ivies,

you're modeling the latest thing.

Stop trying to be ordinary.

Start showing it off.

You sound like an expert.

I've been reading magazines.

My baby's in fashion.

Okay, so how do I show off?

So, models have,

like, a portfolio, right?

I don't see any glam shots here.

I don't want to be too much.

Why not? Your muchness is who you are.

Why hide your shine?

Y-You think so? Even with everything with Chelsea?

Uh... Well, I don't want

to go against what your dads said.

Oh, no, no, they didn't tell me to stop.

Just to, you know, be aware.

Okay, well, how about you only use pictures

where you're fully clothed

and none of this "come hither" mess.

-"Come hither"? -Now, listen to your...

...June.

Now, let's see.

-Okay. -Okay.

Ooh!

Supermodel! Work! Work!

Okay, now, you need to post these now.

You think?

I know.

-Okay. -Go on, girl,

show 'em what you're working with.

[June laughing]

So, you know how seniors all about

parties and senioritis?

And it's too late for us to start having FOMO.

Yeah. It's like my entire future depends on this French exam.

Well, thanks for giving me a minute.

I was kind of scared to come over.

Because I thought I'd blown the right to

be in your friend zone or any other zone.

And since then, it's kind of been...

...the deep freeze.

Well, you deserved that.

But I wasn't even thinking about you.

-Ouch. -No.

I mean, like, I got over it and I got busy.

I mean, my parents are really riding me

about my grades before the apps go out.

Your French sounded perfect to me.

You don't speak French.

So... so, you really forgive me?

Yeah.

You were going through something major with your dads.

How are they doing, by the way?

That was a crisis ago.

They're doing well now.

Love for the win.

-Did I break Smitty's... -Shh, shh.

Why would you ask me something like that?

Uh, good on you showing up for your sister.

Kat, regarding the patient--

the doc's examining the affected organ.

Ooh!

My sister is a little freak.

Or would you prefer minx?

You really made up for the lost time, sis.

Please shut up.

No one can know about this.

Of course. My lips are sealed.

I'm still having trouble with the logistics.

Was this some kind of Fifty Shadesstitch?

Look, I am trying

to figure out what I like and what I don't like.

Ugh. I'll take "Things I Didn't Need To Know

About My Sister's Sex Life" for 200.

I swear to God, this is not funny.

Mm, I have to disagree.

Let me guess.

You decided to buy a new bonnet for the Kentucky Derby

and then, on the same day,

decided to go for a Triple Crown.

What-- S-- Whi-Which one of us

is the horse in this story?

It doesn't matter.

It's just important that you get back on the horse.

That's enough compassion for the day.

Thank you, big brother.

-Please stop talking. -Anytime.

And I won't accidentally bring this up

at our wedding brunch with the grands.

-You're the best. -I really am.

But you know I'm telling Smitty, right?

That is a nonnegotiable.

Renewing our vows was a huge reset for us,

and a secret this big--

it wouldn't be right not to tell him.

Where's that damn policy?

Gah...

Men like Bill don't love thinking about their mortality.

Maybe...

Check the safe.

Or... he kept it on his computer.

Do you have his password?

I am the password.

I knew there was a reason I kept you around.

Well, I'm family. I'm useful.

I get you all the best identities

and the most untraceable...

There it is.

-Yes -CAROLINE: Bill's

on fire.

Thought you might want some tea.

Uh, Caroline.

I found the file but it's missing a phone number.

I was going to ask you for it, but then I realized

Bill keeps his contact list on his computer.

-Do you need me? -HAYLEY: Here's the hard copy.

But now I just need the number.

Oh, let me. Uh, his desktop's a bit of a maze.

-Whose contact you need? -Oh... I'm actually

wrapping up a call right now.

Oh. I-I didn't realize. I'll...

I'll get out of your hair.

Thanks for the tea.

I'm telling you, that woman is really pushing her luck.

We should head back to class.

Thanks for not kicking me out of your space.

Well, thank you for coming over

and making it easy not to.

Maybe the movies are right.

We're supposed to experience the last.

Like the last Halloween dance next week.

Hadn't really thought about it.

Yeah, it's probably gonna be super lame.

But I had an idea.

I wanted to be Spider-Man.

Miles Morales version, of course.

Is he the one that dates Zendaya?

Not exactly.

Miles is from another universe.

Different Spider-Man.

He didn't fit in at first,

but he figured it out.

Found his people, found his power.

I do know that meme.

The one with all the different Spider-Men

pointing at each other-- "That guy."

Exactly.

I was thinking...

we could go together.

You could be Gwen Stacey.

Is that his girlfriend?

Depends on the universe.

Jessica?

Just trying to see if I could pull off the costume.

You will. I know you can.

Would you be my Gwen?

Mm, no.

At least I tried.

I'll be your MJ. Zendaya, right?

Think of it as a crossover.

I love a good crossover.

And maybe we could talk costume plans--

lunch tomorrow?

Deal.

I also had another idea.

If you're game.

[whispering indistinctly]

JUNE: How are the likes coming along?

Thirty, and climbing.

Enjoy your dopamine.

Yes, I am all over it.

Okay. Thank you, Cyn. All right.

Are you back for round two?

I'm actually back for my phone.

Someone distracted me.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause that was all me.

Oh, it was most definitely the two of us.

How's Nicole?

She was in with a patient.

But Laura put me on the books for a later lunch.

Did you recover enough to get any work done?

Ah, it was just my editor that I was on with.

Nothing that I can share yet,

but there is something on the horizon

that has my interest.

That's great. I do have a story for you.

You do?

I ran into Kat at the hospital.

Oh, was she looking for your mom, too?

No. There was an emergency.

Pacing is not going to heal him.

Neither is hovering or googling.

Nothing good can come of googling this.

Have you ever heard of an eggplant deformity?

Uh, phone down.

How am I supposed to stay calm

while I'm out here and he's in there

with a broken... emoji?

Uh, the urologist won't take long.

And there's no reason to believe that Tomas

won't make a full recovery.

Okay, but have you ever seen an injury like Tomas'

or caused one?

Well, never put anybody in the ER.

And there isn't anything I haven't seen

under these fluorescent lights.

Well, have you ever seen a case like this?

There are lots of creative Romeos and Juliets,

and the body's a lot more resilient than you think.

But what if I've scarred him so bad he's gonna need

both of my parents, a plastic surgeon

and a psychiatrist to heal from the trauma?

Okay, look, this can go one of two ways.

He's either proud that he went so hard

or he lets it be a hit to his manhood.

But I'm guessing that fine man's going with the first round.

Plus, better to happen earlier than later.

Is there ever a right time to break someone's penis?

It's never too soon to know what you're working with.

But he is gonna need a time-out for a while.

Let him enjoy his ice pack.

-Are you okay? -Doc says yes.

All of you?

-All of me. -So I didn't break you?

You know what they say--

you break it, you bought it.

There's no return policy on me.

I don't want to return you.

This is all my fault. If I hadn't been so determined

to right our bad date...

Hey, I love your enthusiasm.

And I love you.

We both... Oh.

...got a little carried away. It takes two to salsa.

Oh. Is that what you two were doing?

I just wanted to give you this list of instructions

to avoid any more disruptions in service.

As long as they don't explain

using carrots or bananas like the doctor did.

I'm not 12.

We'll give you a lollipop on the way out.

Just remember to keep doing the cold compresses

to reduce the swelling like doc said.

And remember-- this will all be really funny

one day, so remember to laugh.

I would, it just hurts too much.

And one more thing.

No bedroom harmony for at least...

five to seven years.

-Five to seven years? -Five to seven years?

Days.

Kidding. Days. I meant five to seven days.

Ouch!

Poor guy.

And, wow, not-so-little Kat.

Thought she was saving that for marriage.

When Kat does something, she commits.

Ugh! Could you imagine?

No, and I don't want to.

I want to cut that out of the memory of my brain.

And somewhere in the middle of that,

I started talking about horses.

It is so hard for me not to make a rodeo joke right now.

Your restraint is noted, but you lose points

for saying "hard."

Oh, yeah, fair enough.

So...

What time did you say that lunch was?

Not until a hour or so.

I'd hate to think that your little sister

is having more fun than we do.

We could be careful.

We could wear pads and helmets.

I'm sorry, but I have broken penises dancing in my head.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a problem.

But I could be gentle.

Unless you don't want me to be.

TYRELL: So,

she actually agreed

to go to the dance with me.

Of course she did.

That tomato foolishness aside, she has good taste.

Uh, wait, wait, so she's gonna be playing Barbie to your Ken?

More like my MJ to my Miles Morales.

Aren't they from two different universes?

What? I know things.

But we're toying with another idea.

Well, a couple's costume will definitely

tell the haters that you're really together.

Don't mind her. She's on dopamine.

-Dopamine? -June suggested

that I post my ChelseaKat pics,

and it's getting a crazy amount of likes.

How many?

Oh, my God.

Nathan liked every single picture.

We're not giving up on Nathan?

And he's not giving up on me.

He's messaging me right now.

What did he say?

He wants to meet up tomorrow.

Oh, my God. Now we both might have dates

to the Halloween dance.

All right. Come on, we have to go to class.

Yeah, I laid my eyes on the policy.

Little ol' me batted my lashes to the tune of ten million.

I know that wrinkle between your eyes, coz.

What are you thinking?

If there were a wrinkle, I'd Botox it to oblivion.

My work bestie's really ruining my vibe.

-Okay, what happened? -She's been buzzing around

like a little helper bee all morning.

I'm gonna need Meg Markle's bee guy

to come smoke this bitch out.

Caroline interrupted Bill's special tea this morning.

He didn't even drink a damn drop.

You said he's off Dani.

You can slow your roll a bit.

Or...

we can speed it up.

-I got to go. -Hayley.

Talk to you later.

How did the deposition go, killer?

BILL: It's a slam dunk, baby. You know,

it felt good working on the fly, you know, improvising.

-Of course it did. -Yeah.

Here.

You know, baby, I was thinking about something

a little stronger to celebrate.

You know? Maybe over a big lunch at the club.

Mm... Mm.

Babe, this is cold.

Babe, you can have something stronger later

and something hot to chase it.

-Mm. Is that a promise? -Mm-hmm.

Now shut up and drink it.

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