Original subtitles

(knocking)

What the fok?

(birds chirping)

(sniffing)

Mm.

♪

Rose, I can't believe it's you.

(sniffing)

You smell like peaches, and your skin, so soft.

Like marshmallows.

Stephen Harper!?

Paul, would you make me the happiest fella

in Grouse Lake and be my...

best man?

Nothing would make me happier, than to say...

"Fuck off, Stephen Harper!"

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

(siren blaring)

Chickadee, over megaphone: Step out of the vehicle

and keep your hands where I can see 'em.

Lips, it's me. Roger from the radio!

I wasn't even going that fast, man.

Chickadee: Silence, criminal!

I'll be the judge of that.

Walk a straight line.

(chuckling)

(boys laughing)

Now, hop on one foot.

(boys laughing)

Faster, criminal!

(boys laughing)

Boy: Get him to do the worm.

Chickadee: (whispering) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(over megaphone) Now, do the worm.

(laughing)

(siren beeping)

(laughing) Yo, he went full fugitive.

(boys snickering)

Oh, you think this is funny?

Well, yeah, that's why we did it.

Well, it's not.

I'm absolutely livid.

Just cheesed.

Mm.

Chickadee, march your little arse home right now.

I'll deal with you when I get there.

And, you boys, tell your parents to expect a phone call.

Go on!

Get out of here before I smash your little heads together

like this thing on my desk.

That's actually a Newton's cradle.

Shut up, Lips.

Everybody get out of here! Go on!

♪

Folks, I know you've probably heard the rumours

of Laughingstick's run-in with the law,

and it's all true.

I did run away, and that does make me look guilty,

but I assure you Roger Laughingstick is innocent!

Lips: Roger.

Oh, shit. It's the fuzz.

Hey, wait. Roger?

(typing)

Yo, we need to talk.

The fok?!

Are Rose and Stephen Harper actually getting married

or are they just fucking with me?

Yeah, it's pretty real, bro.

Fokin' guy asked me to be his best man at his wedding.

Do you know how fucked that is?

Kind of funny if you ask me.

Well, you're the big cheese now, and I'm calling in a favour.

I'm not making their marriage illegal.

I'm not asking that. I'm asking you to ban marriage.

Like, all of them.

As if!

Come on! It's a white man's construct!

You really want to lose our culture and our practices?

Is that what you want?

I'm going to tell you something

I've been telling you your whole life.

Grow up.

This is the first I've heard of this!

(grunting)

(slamming door)

♪

Paul: Can you believe it?

Jo telling me that I need to grow up

out of the blue like that?

Have you even ever heard of anything like that before?

Nah, man. Now I'm pissed.

But hear me out, forget about Jo.

Forget about Rose, forget about Stephen Harper.

Yeah, and...?

I forgot what I was going to say.

- Fok, man. - Oh, hey.

You're gonna go to Stephen Harper's stag tonight, right?

Hell no!

Why would I support that hate marriage!

Man, you gotta go.

I got the finest drip in the entire north.

Okay, fine. I'll go, but remember,

I still think Stephen Harper is a giant tu'guy!

Stephen: So, you're coming?

Yes! And have you put any more thought into being my best man?

Fuck off, Stephen Harper.

You got it!

(grunting, thudding) Ow!

Chickadee, you are grounded like pemican!

Get with the times! You should've said

"grounded like taco beef."

Oh...

(door slamming)

(sighing)

(phone line ringing)

Hey, Ernest. It's Jo.

Ernest: Hey, Jo, what's up?

We need to talk about Chickadee.

(dance music playing)

(men cheering)

- Oh, man! - You weren't kidding, bro!

Rose is going to kill me when she finds out.

Oh, my heart.

Hey, Ed. This is your first stripper or what?

Just don't fall in love.

(all laughing)

♪

(cheering, laughing)

Oh, Ed. He's lookin' right at ya.

♪

Oh, look at that. Ah, just lucky!

(chuckling)

(cheering)

(men oohing)

(cheering)

Slow down. My heart.

Look at Ed. He can't take it.

(laughing)

Men: More! More! More! More!

More! More! More! More! More! More!

More! More! More! More! More! More! More! More!

More! More! More! More! More! More! More! More! More!

More. More...

(panting)

♪

I still get paid, right?

Dean: What a night, man.

Felt like a dream.

I still can't believe Ed's gone.

Man, that guy could mooch.

The best to ever do it. He was the GOAT.

Makes you think, bro.

One day you're a frail old mooch,

and then, poof, the next day you're gone.

(knocking)

(grunting)

(both screaming)

Paul: It's the walking Ed!

Dean: Don't let him bite you!

Whoa, easy. I'm Ed's twin brother.

I didn't know Ed had a twin.

That's right. I'm the handsome one.

You must be Paul and Dean.

How come we never met you before, bro?

Left for the city years ago.

Wait a minute.

How do we know you're not Ed just trying to fuck with us?

Yeah, if you're really Ed's brother,

say something only Ed would say.

Can I borrow five bucks?

That checks out.

I'm here on business.

You were both in Ed's will.

He wanted to make sure you got back

a bunch of stuff that he mooched off you.

Your first USB. Has Thunderheart on it.

Holy fok, I've been looking for this!

I had the flip. Now I have the flop!

My brother was a mooch, but he was no thief.

Yeah, but he died before he gave us any of our stuff back.

I feel like we're splitting hairs, man.

My brother was a complicated guy.

Well, I gotta run.

(door closing)

That was so weird.

(sniffing)

What's that smell?

When I saw Ed, I, uh...

I shit my pants.

Oh. (chuckling)

We'll just go get the hose.

Chickadee: Ma, I need $20 for a pop.

I've never been this thirsty in my life

and I'm fucking scared my--

- Dad? - Hey, Chickpea.

Chickadee: Good to see you, Dad.

So, your father and I agreed that,

while I ease into my new job,

he would stay here to keep an eye on you.

Right, Ernest?

Right. Which doesn't mean we can't have fun.

Hm.

Can I-- Can I talk to you for a sec?

Mm-hm.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I am serious.

Sterling got grounded,

but we both know that won't work for you.

As if.

As if my jeet. You'll just grease your way out of it.

Yeah, I thought that was the understanding.

You did, did you?

Well, my girl, this is the price you pay

for being a little shithead!

But I don't want to spend time with Dad!

Me and two of the Jacked Teens were supposed to smash stuff!

Well... get this.

Wherever you go, he goes.

Fine. Do I get that pop money or what?

Oh, this one's going to turn into Paul, I swear.

Well, Ernest, she's all yours.

Mm-mm-mm!

Ma, I've been doing a lot of thinking since Ed died,

and I'm thinking it's time to grow up.

I'm tired of everyone thinking that I'm a spoiled giant baby.

Is that gas bubble moved out of your tum-tum yet?

Nope. Not yet. Keep pumping.

Have you thought any more about being Stephen Harper's best man?

Yeah, that's a hard pass.

That would show some growing up.

What do you mean?

Well, it means you've moved past it.

Hm. I'm starting to think this is all your fault.

- (stomach grumbling) - Ooh! That was a good one!

It's almost through.

You spoil me way too much!

I'm like milk that's gone bad.

Nobody wants to drink me anymore.

I barely spoil you.

Ma, enough is enough.

It's time to show the world that I'm a real man.

(stomach gurgling)

(farting loudly)

Yeah!

(both laughing)

That was a good boogid, my son.

Whoo, I feel great.

Watch out, world! Here comes Man Paul!

Whoo. That was a good one.

♪

(knocking)

(screaming) Oh, Ed!

Hang on, I'm Ed's twin brother.

Oh. Oh.

I'm so sorry. (laughing)

I didn't catch your name.

It's actually Ed.

Your parents named you both Ed?

I'm Edwin.

He was Edlose.

These are a few of the things that Ed borrowed

from the band office.

Time that they found their way back.

I haven't seen this in ages.

Edwin: There's something else I need to show you.

This is Edlose's will.

Jo: Ed had a will?

He left everything to the band office,

and, as you'll see, he was extremely wealthy.

Oh, fuck off.

Yeah, I know. I'm as surprised as you.

Turns out he was able to save a fortune with all that mooching.

I, uh, don't know what to say.

This is...

...a lot of money.

I'm sure you'll know what to do with it.

I'm around if you need me.

(Rose screaming)

(groaning)

Rose: Aim for the head!

Jo: Don't worry, Rose! It's Ed's twin!

Roger: This is Laughingstick,

coming to you on the run from a secret location.

Sure, I didn't have my seatbelt on when Lips pulled me over,

but that's no big deal!

Someone is setting me up,

and this probably goes all the way up to the top,

but if anyone can clear my name,

it's good old alive-and-well Ed.

Ed, I need you now more than ever, buddy.

(twigs snapping)

Gotta go, Grouse Lake. I hear something in the bush.

The fok? Why are you wearing a suit?

It's 'cause I'm a working man now.

Okay.

This is for your wedding thingy.

Thanks?

There's something old, something new,

something borrowed, and something blue.

Ah, that's an old bracelet you left at my house.

It doesn't even fit me anyway.

Are these your weekend chips?

Nah, those are your weekend chips.

And this must be something borrowed?

Yup. It's my old sex sweater.

I'm thinking you and Stephen Harper can borrow it

until you find your own.

Okay.

And of course, something blue.

I hope you and Stephen Harper

have a long and happy life together.

Thanks, Blue.

Can I have a freezie now?

Of course. A deal is a deal.

Thanks, Paul.

I just want you to be happy.

And if you need me, I'll be down the hall in Jo's old office.

Just doing grown up shit.

Yo, Chickadee, why you look all sad-arse?

I'm just not feeling it.

How can you not feel this?

Nuh-uh! Not without these you don't.

So annoying!

Oh, now, before you guys go swinging those bats,

let me show you how to do things safely.

I used to do this as a kid myself,

but instead of hitting glass bottles we used softballs,

because we used to do things like play sports.

We've done this a thousand times.

Yeah, but somebody could get a piece of glass in the face.

That's literally never happened.

Step aside.

- (glass shattering) - Ooh!

Okay, well. Not sure what's so fun about that,

but I'm just here to supervise.

Uh, Dad?

Yeah, what's up?

Never mind.

Don't forget the goggles.

♪

- How's your face, Dad? - (camera clicking)

Oh, should heal nicely, I hope.

Never gave myself stitches before.

What the hell did you do to your father?

It's not actually Chickadee's fault. It's--

It's Grouse Lake's fault.

There's not a heck of a lot for kids to do around here.

Yeah, except get into trouble.

Which leads me to an interesting idea.

I want Chickadee to come live with me in Edmonton.

Uh, what?

I can keep an eye on her when she's in school.

Uh, what?

Oh, you got blood coming out your bandage.

Uh, what?

Paul, you gotta come see this! What the fuck?

- You look like Dilbert. - (dogs barking)

The bus driver from Bloodvein?

- No. The comic. - (jazz playing on radio)

Sounds like child stuff.

Who cares? There's two dogs outside doing it.

- Come on, it's hilarious! - I told you, I'm busy.

Dean: Bro, you're missing out.

One dog is huge and the other one's tiny.

Come on, let's go!

Bro, the dogs are doing it and now they're stuck.

Stuck together?

It's too early in the season for that.

Okay. No! I can't.

I can't. I can't.

Dean: Paul, where'd you go, bro?

(dogs barking)

The big dog's dragging the small dog around

and now they're stuck, man. We gotta hose 'em down!

(dogs barking)

- (turning music volume up) - Ever slack.

♪

Okay, I wasn't ready for this.

Chickpea, if you come with me to Edmonton

you can stay with me while you're in school.

But Edmonton sucks.

It's like Winnipeg, but with oil riggers and truck nuts.

Okay, good point, then it's back to living

with your house parents in Winnipeg.

But Winnipeg sucks. It's like Edmonton,

but with potholes and pawn shops.

Okay, third option.

You drop out of high school, I build an attachment,

and you do nothing with your life

like your stupid Uncle Paul.

I pick that.

You can't pick that! It was a joke!

You guys are a joke.

(door slamming)

Lips, I'm ready to turn myself in.

Roger, there you are.

And yes, I'll name names in exchange for a lighter sentence.

What?

You've been a worthy adversary. All I ask is go easy on me.

Bro, listen, Chickadee set you up.

You didn't do anything wrong.

What?

She pulled you over in my car.

You okay?

I'd cry but I'm too dehydrated to make tears.

(weeping)

See? Pointless.

Okay, let's hear your pitches for what to do with Ed's money.

A smokehouse. You know, for meats.

Pass.

A water slide park.

Pass!

A Lou Diamond Phillips film festival.

Pass.

A detention facility for teens who like to prank radio DJs.

Pass?

Did ya heard? Ed died and left a bunch of money.

Yeah, we know that, Rita.

His brother looks just like him.

That's all of them.

My brother always wanted a monkey zoo.

Maybe we just put the money towards that.

(knocking) Hey, Jo. Gonna go home early.

You totally don't even work here, so go ahead?

Also, I couldn't help but overhear

all the pitches for Ed's money,

and it got me thinking about Chickadee's situation,

and I started crunching the numbers,

and it turns out, we could use Ed's money to help renovate

the old abandoned high school.

That way the high schoolers

and Chickadee wouldn't have to leave the Rez.

You could also name the high school Ed High.

(laughing) Anyway, see you tomorrow!

I think my shit-for-brains brother

might be on to something.

Hey, wait.

Before you go, I just wanted to say sorry for tripping out.

That's okay.

I know how much you love living here.

Thanks for being cool about this.

No problem. Love you, sweetie bird.

Love you too, Neebaba.

(horn honking)

That's my ride. Be back in a couple months.

Remember, be safe.

Boy: Yo, Chickadee.

Wanna shoot apples off each others' heads?

Uh, I don't know. That sounds pretty dangerous.

So, uh, better put these on.

Fuck yeah!

Roger: This is Laughingstick in the afternoon,

coming to you as a free man.

If it's one thing I'm guilty of it's loving my job.

Now that I'm back in my seat,

what do you say we play some tunes

in honour of my old pal Ed?

This is Danny Keemootch with

"I Hope Heaven Has a Pawn Shop."

♪

♪ ...Everything went right ♪

♪

Stephen: Flower petals?

♪

♪ Yes, I know... ♪

Stephen Harper.

I've decided I will be your best man,

for I am no longer a boy.

I am a man.

I am the best man.

Oh, Paul!

♪ ...live without you ♪

(chuckling)

♪ For some strange reason ♪

♪ I need someone to care ♪

♪

♪ I wonder if you realize ♪

♪ Just how you make me feel ♪

♪ When you say your love for me is not real ♪

♪ I love you even when you're mad and you throw... ♪