Original subtitles

(dogs barking)

Y'all think this is going to get the dogs out of the lodge?

Fuckin' better, man. Those dogs have been in there for weeks.

Stephen Harper, get over here.

Hi, fellows. I'm ready.

I've been stretching all morning.

Okay. All right. Put this wiener vest on, all right?

You guys are coming to get me, right?

Yeah, man. Sure thing.

Hit it!

Holy heck!

(barking)

- Get him. - (barking continues)

All right. We're back in business, bro.

Oh, it smells like this!

(barking continues)

No. Bad dog. Bad.

When my friends get here, you're in big trouble.

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Roger: You're listening to Laughingstick in the morning.

It may be sunny outside,

but it's a dark day in Grouse Lake

because there's a new chief and council.

- (knocking on door) - Jo: Roger? We need to talk.

Roger: Holeh. I'm on the air, Jo.

Jo: Just cut to a song.

Roger: Up next, we have the country-pop classic,

"She's Drinkin' Beer 'Cause Her Pregnancy Test Is Clear"

by Huck Wilber and the Six Tooth Lightning.

Jo, I'm kind of busy

being the voice of the people here.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I been looking over the budget

your friggin' bestie Deedee gave you,

and I'm a confused.

Like, why do you need so many humidifiers?

It's a dusty rez, Jo. I got to keep this voice pure.

And why so many expensive creams?

Because I have so many body parts.

You wouldn't know the first thing about moisturizing.

You could sand a canoe with those crusty elbows.

I'm going to have to cut your budget.

Oh, yeah?

I bet you're going to tell me

that I don't need a dual-boiler espresso machine.

Waste of money.

This is happening because I supported Leon.

No. This is happening

because you don't need a rack of collectible spoons

to host a radio show.

They stir my coffees.

With all the money we save,

we could hire other radio hosts.

Wouldn't you like that? Take time off?

Does a sunset take time off from being majestic?

Yeah. It's called nighttime.

Listen, Roger.

This is the way it's got to be,

and believe me, I take no pleasure in it.

Announcer: And we're back

with the Native Volleyball Association final,

as the Ojibway team from Long Plain First Nation

takes on the little Inuit town of Resolute.

It's a close game here in the fifth set,

tied two to two, with Long Plain looking to close it out.

Yo. Check it out.

A guy from Resolute named "INUKMAN4U"

- is talking smack online. - What'd he say?

"You Ojibways are all thick from the moose meat."

You going to stand for that?

Fuckin' trolls, man. Get out of the way.

Let Uncle deal with this.

That's pretty big talk

from a little man way the fuck up north.

Chickadee: Oh, shit.

He called you a Southern belle in a pretty little ribbon skirt.

Man, fuck this guy.

- We're the real true north. - Yeah.

Watch this.

You guys are just miserable

'cause you never get to see the sun.

It's fucking beautiful. I'm looking at it right now.

- Ah! - (horn blaring)

Announcer: And there it is!

- Long Plain wins again. - Yeah!

Look at those babies from Resolute. Just cheesed.

What? He says,

"Long Plain only won

because they're colonized, just like you guys."

Say something that'll really cook his blubber.

Eat my whole jeet,

you fuckin' beluga butt.

(laughing) Yeah!

Ba-ba-bam.

Wait, wait. He's typing something.

I see the dots.

He logged off! (shouting)

Long Plain! Long Plain! Long Plain! Long Plain!

Hey, Jo. Ooh, sorry.

Chief Jo.

So, are you ready to speak at the community dinner

for health week tomorrow?

What? Why is the health centre telling me now?

Oh, they actually told us three weeks ago.

I'm telling you now.

Rose, really?

Oh, Chief Deedee would just wing it.

Well, Chief Deedee left me

with a decade of paperwork,

and I have to get to the nursing station.

Oh. For your foot thing?

Yeah. It's getting worse.

Apparently, fungus grows real fast.

Oof.

Honestly, when I take my sock off,

it smells like corn chips.

Okay. That's enough.

Really, my foot's all chapped like a dog's ass.

I've got some e-mails to ignore.

(sniffing) Ooh! Ooh.

(phone ringing)

Sagatay Lodge. Paul speaking.

This is Aqqalu of Resolute.

Is this that bitch-ass Ojibway keyboard warrior?

Yo. Is this Inuk Man from the internets?

They gave you guys telephones?

You Ojibways talk some shit on the internet,

but you're talking to me, now, bro, man to man.

Why don't you go play with your stupid whales

and your stupid seals with the funny-looking moustaches?

You guys are dense and dumb, like the bush you live in.

You guys are all up there sliding around

on frozen tectonic plates.

Your people ruined APTN with your bannock cooking shows.

You guys even get APTN?

If we don't get APTN, then how come they did a story

on how crazy I am?

I want to fight you right now.

Oh, I'm begging for it.

I'll get down on my knees and beg.

Wait. Can you even see your knees?

All you got to do is just show up.

But you won't, because you're too small

and you're too far away.

(beeping phone off)

Holy, bro. That just got heated.

Yeah. That was pretty intense.

Those were just jokes, man.

That shit's fine on the internet,

but that phone call made it way too real.

Yeah, man. What if he comes looking for you?

He have to come from way the fuck up north,

near the Baffin Islands?

You'd got to be crazy to come here.

♪

(mosquito buzzing)

Fuckin' boreal bullshit.

Jo: Bertha.

Oh, my foot is so chapped there's pus coming out of it.

Oh.

You're not the regular nurse.

Nope. I'm Logan.

I'm just in from the city.

So, I understand that you're Chief Jo

and you have a foot fungus.

Nope. That the other chief.

We have two chiefs, both named Jo.

- You have two Chief Jo's? - One is Chief Joe.

Ends with an "e."

I probably should get going now.

I thought this was the bathroom.

Is it hot in here?

I feel like you're really getting hot in here.

Like, you know, nerdy hot, yoga way.

Not that you're hot.

Okay. Well, this is for Jo with no "e."

I'm going to go now.

Okay. Well, uh,

if you see Chief Joe with an "e,"

tell him to take this cream

and put it on twice a day. And if there's any pus,

tell him it's okay. That's just part of the healing.

And he'd be, like, "I'm Aqqalu from Resolute.

I cheer for shitty volleyball teams."

And I'm, like, "It's time to go nap time!"

(knocking on door)

Did somebody order an ass-whooping?

Oh. Hey, Paul.

It's the crazy guy from the internet.

(alarm blaring)

Rita: That was Little Stevie

and the Shit Hawks

with the "Berens River Boogie,"

and this is Auntie Rita in the afternoon

with the new gossip show,

"Didja Heard."

Crazy aunties need to call in and make my day.

Female caller: Didja heard about Gordon?

No. What happened?

Spill the tea.

Caller: Heard he was shacked up with

Lorraine's cousin's nephew.

Caught them kissing on a quad.

Ooh. That's some steeped tea.

Caller: Gordon's got a keemotch.

Just happy for those kings.

Next on the line?

Male caller: Just wondering where Roger is.

He just makes my whole day better.

I don't know what I'd do without him.

Jo: Rose? Rose!

Damn it, Rose.

Why the hell didn't you tell me we had a new hot nurse?

Logan?

Ah, he's too nerdy for you.

You like meat heads who fix skidoos.

But this guy got me,

with his tight pants and his size-12 uniform shoes

and his white lab coat.

Wait. He did?

God. I--

I got to have deadly chief energy.

I can't be seen mooning over some guy.

So, what are you going to do?

Every time a guy gets all up in your head,

you can't let it go.

As if.

I'll forget him by tomorrow.

Okay. Here's what we're going to do.

Wait. What do you mean "we"?

So, this is Paul?

Yeah. You going to kick his ass?

That's the fuckin' plan.

So, you going to stay the night?

Yes, please. I got a fight tomorrow,

so I got to check out first thing.

Hey, Paul? Our first customer since the dogs left.

Are you going to need a wake-up call?

Yes, please. I like to get a jump-start on the day.

The Wi-Fi password?

- Lowercase "d." - Go on.

That's it. Lowercase "d."

All one word, lowercased.

Got it.

Do you smoke, man? There's no smoking.

I only smoke people with big mouths

who talk shit on the internet.

All right. Well, just sign here,

and here's your key.

And your room is just past the big scared guy.

Thank you very much.

Remember.

The bigger guy takes the bigger punch.

(whimpering fearfully)

Jo: Logan, my friend hurt her ankle.

She needs a look.

Yeah. Something's loose.

Okay. So, what happened?

I fell off a building.

A building?

Luckily, I was there,

'cause I'm so calm under pressure.

Well, hop on up. I'll check you out.

Okay.

Sorry. Not you.

Just kidding.

I have a real deadly sense of humour.

Okay. Be careful.

I'll be really delicate here.

Ow!

Logan: That's interesting.

Okay. That's enough.

You can put her foot down now.

- Yeah. - Just put it down.

Your ankle does look fine.

How tall was that building?

It's a good thing I got there before it got worse,

which is crazy, because I'm usually so busy being chief.

Okay. Well, just go home and put some ice on it,

and, uh, take the regular pain medication.

Maybe stay off any tall buildings.

(laughing)

Okay. You heard him, Rose. You can go now.

Actually, do you like food?

Of course.

(chuckling)

There's a community dinner for health week.

Oh, that's cool. I'm all about healthy food.

Yeah. And last time I went,

there was an empty chair next to me.

Not because nobody wanted to sit next to me

or thinks I'm a loser.

- Oh, I'm sure they don't. - Yeah.

So, if you like food, and there's an empty seat--

You want me to--

Just the chair, it's just so empty. It's--

You want me to sit by you?

Okay, guy. This isn't a date.

But I'll see you there.

You can sit next to me, and we can eat together?

Yeah. Sure.

Still got it.

What's that?

I still got it. Uh, the foot fungus.

Oh.

Yo. Look what this guy uses for a toothbrush.

Yo. Check out Aqqalu.

Fok'n guy's fighting a bear, man!

We should call someone for help.

Paul: No, no, no.

Let nature take its course.

Fuckin' guy's holding his own, man.

Guy's as strong as that bear.

Come on, brother bear. Use your claws!

Bite him! Ugh.

Come on. Fight!

He just kicked that bear in the nuts.

Holy fuck! The bear is down, man.

Rita: 'Morning, Grouse Lake.

You're listening to Auntie Rita in the morning,

with my new co-host--

No. You're listening to Laughingstick in the morning

with my co-host.

And here we are--

Pride of the Ojibway Nation

is on the line today,

as Paul seems to have bit off more than he can chew.

And if you know Paul, that's not easy.

Breaking news.

Rita, co-host of many fantastic shows,

is retiring from Grouse Lake Radio.

No, I ain't.

Rita, you're a real one.

But Chief Jo said I can--

We're all going to miss you.

For those of you

listening at home and can't see what's going on,

Rita, with tears in her eyes,

is making her way to the door

for the very last time.

I'll remember that.

Who wants money on Aqqalu the Destroyer?

Paul, my boy.

Mom. There you are.

I put $20 on you, so go at him early

and get dirty if you have to.

Mom!

Good luck, my son, even though you don't need it.

You're my big tough fighting boy.

It's on, meat.

This is who you're fighting?

Yeah. You got to put a stop to this.

Ah. I'll see what I can do.

Okay. Chickadee, switch my bet.

I want $20 on Aqqalu the Destroyer.

Rose, how do I look?

Uh, strong.

You look really strong.

Thanks.

Hey. These are mine.

Go on. Get, get, get.

Oh. Hey, Logan.

Hi.

Right here.

Is everything all right with them?

Oh, don't worry.

They're just drug dealers.

- No. - But not on my watch.

I said, "Not during health week."

Logan: Hey, look at that. Right on time.

Uh, whoa. Is that--

Is that turkey covered in gravy?

Everything in moderation.

Hi there.

Do you like the turkey

with salad

or the stuffing?

It's made with cranberry and duck fat.

- Oh! The one with-- - Duck fat?

- Duck fat. - Mm-hmm.

But it's health week.

We'll obviously have the salad.

Obviously the salad.

(whispering) Save me a plate for later.

Hey.

Ding-ding-ding.

Time out!

Oh, I'm going to fight you harder now.

Lips, get over here.

Do something about this. You're the cops.

Sorry, Paul. This is all on the up-and-up.

We've got to be doing something illegal here.

You gave written consent to fight him

after you said he has a beluga butt online,

so this fight's legal.

Fine. But if he kills me,

you're not invited to my funeral,

and they're going to have the best sandwiches.

- Like, what kind of sandwiches? - Your favourite kind.

I'm going to give you the first punch.

And after that, it's out of my control.

Logan: I can't believe they put duck fat in the stuffing.

I know, right?

You're the chief. You should get up and say something.

Like, right now?

Excuse me. You.

Fried bannock?

During health week?

Okay. And you know what?

Might as well let those two monsters sell crack.

I'm going to say a little something here.

Hi, everyone.

I'm the nurse practitioner here,

and I cannot believe that they would serve bannock

during health week events.

And I know that Chief Jo here feels the same way.

(booing)

Guys, bannock is not even Indigenous.

(booing intensifies)

The Scots brought bannock here, anyways.

Come on. How colonized are you?

What the fuck did he just say?

Please, Jo. Come. Tell them.

Man: Come on, Jo.

Yeah. Health week.

You know what I think would be really healthy?

If you left and never came back.

Others: Yeah!

Just for your information,

the Scots may have brought bannock here,

but we fok'n perfected it. Fuck!

(cheering and applause)

And as your new chief,

I'm officially declaring health week bannock week.

(cheering and applause)

Go on. Get out of here. Fuck.

Go on.

Now, somebody bring me that duck fat stuffing!

(muttering)

No more fucking around.

(retching)

- (grunting) - Hey!

Oh, pretty fast for a big fellow.

I can-- But, uh, I'm-- (laughing nervously)

- (shouting) - ♪ My first real novel ♪

Paul!

Here.

(shouting)

(cowbell clanging)

What the fuck is this? A wiener vest?

You think it's going to stop me?

No, beluga butt.

But he will.

Oh, shit. A dog.

I have one rule. I don't fight dogs.

Call it off. Call it off!

Why does it have to be a dog?

Hey, man. North's that way.

It's Laughingstick in the evening,

and you know what?

I've always had to fight for what I wanted.

But maybe I'm done fighting.

Maybe I'm not appreciated enough.

But it could always be worse.

I could be Stephen Harper.

Hey. Psst.

(dogs barking, crickets chirping)

Can I have a hot dog?

I ate all of mine.

Sure, but you're going to have to fight me for it.

(barking continues)

(men singing in Indigenous language)

♪