Original subtitles

Roger: This is Laughingstick in the Morning

with the Grouse Lake news.

Cousin Leon is back on the res with elections underway.

Paul's got nowhere to stay,

but he swears he's not a hobosexual,

and people say there's a bear getting into peoples' stuff.

So, make sure your trash is secure.

(sniffing)

(banging pot)

(grunting)

(banging pot)

♪ Cause I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

We're talking neechi politics today as the campaign hears up.

Reminder that Laughingstick in the Morning

is a completely impartial, unbiased, totally neutral show,

and we're here with my favourite candidate.

Old friend and nephew, Cousin Leon.

Thanks, Uncle Roger.

Question.

How are you able to balance

being so funny and handsome at the same time?

I don't think about petty shit like looks,

but, I have to admit,

I'm also handsome on the inside.

(clapping)

Ever sick.

He's so far up Cousin Leon's ass

you'd need hemorrhoid cream to get rid of him.

The whole res just loves him.

It's Cousin Leon mania out there.

Cousin Leon: What am I going to do as chief?

I'm going to build a bridge to Winnipeg,

because the price of air is unfair.

Bam! Put that on a button.

(clapping)

You know what else? We're going to toss out

the white man's clock-in

and make Indian time standard time.

Just go to work when you feel good.

Now you're talking my language, neph.

I'm chill.

When I'm chief, you won't even have to lock your doors.

Okay?

People's doors will be unlocked 24/7.

Anyone can just stroll in. Not to steal anything,

but to just look around.

For safety, right, Cousin Leon?

Yeah.

The community will be safe in my hands.

After I grind my opponents down,

the community will be safe and sound.

Button it.

(clapping)

Paul: Ah, sweet. Little Fatty's Destructo Blaster?!

Fucking cool.

(whirring, beeping)

Hi, Mom.

Hello, Paultholomew.

Paultholomew?

You never call me by my court name!

Oh, you can buy anything you want, Brucey.

You only want that one 'cause I was looking at it.

Not even. I see it every day!

Here, take this one.

What? No way. It doesn't even have auto-reload.

Great, first you take my mom, then you take my gun.

You need to just quit.

I just want the sweet gun, man.

Then take the gun, and let me take my mom back.

What do you want, Brucey?

- I want this one. - (scoffing)

Oh, nice!

Roger: The board is lighting up. Caller, you're on.

I can't listen to this bullshit from Leon anymore.

Mixed martial arts for elders.

Does he think we haven't tried that already?

I'm going to march over there

and punch him straight in his lie-hole

on air so everybody could hear it.

What's your deal with Cousin Leon?

He's a scammer-scammer.

He has a propensity to, you know...

Go to people's houses, open drawers,

leaf through their things when they're not around.

Are you saying he's a rummager?

That kind of accusation can ruin someone's life.

It's not an accusation if it's fuckin' true.

Cousin Leon's rummaging was annoying at first.

A mild inconvenience.

It wasn't about taking things for Cousin Leon.

It was about the touch, the texture, the discovery.

We all rummage sometimes,

but Leon took it to a whole 'nother level.

He once rummaged through a kid's lunchbox.

Man: Hey!

What are you doing in my house?!

(hissing)

As a young councillor, I reviewed Cousin Leon's case.

The band council resolution was to kick him out for 10 years.

He was BCR'd?

I had to.

Those 10 years are up now and he's back.

Look, I hate rummagers as much as the next guy,

but we don't need mud-slinging to win this election.

But I want a fluff piece from Roger too!

Jo, you're not fluffy.

I'm as fluffy as two-ply toilet paper.

I look at you, I see one--ply.

Fix your eyes, Lips.

I got plies coming out my ass.

♪

Man, ever since that new manager started

this place has gone to shit.

That's me. I'm the new manager.

Oh, I was just making small talk.

Hey, uh, just a question.

What are you doing?

Uh, hopin' to take the staff discount for a spin.

Oh, well, aren't you forgetting something?

Uh... Yeah, man. What aisle are hot knives in?

Your shift, Dean.

Yeah, you have a very important training session

on merchandising today. Woo!

Hey, man. I worked yesterday.

Is this job going to be, like, a regular type thing?

Well, you are training to be a full-time employee.

So, yeah, you work pretty much every day.

Oh, yup. Sure.

Thank you.

So, does that mean that I--

Yeah, Dean, you have to come in tomorrow.

God damn it.

What are you lookin' at, bro?

Two for flinching.

(beeping)

Don't fuck with me.

(whispering) Rita.

Psst. Rita. Rita.

You want to make an easy $60 or what?

Okay, but I'm going to need a getaway driver

and it better be someone I can trust.

What? No!

I just need you to pretend to be my mom

in front of my real mom. Get her real jealous.

And no getaway driver?

Fine, but I need a ride home.

Fine, whatever. If you pull this off,

I'll walk your bags home, deal?

Deal.

(groaning)

Jo, thank you for coming in to talk about

your candidacy as chief.

Super happy to be here, Roger.

Okay, roads are bad.

When are we gonna get some asphalt around here?

Well, the actual cost of getting as--

(buzzing)

The fuck?

Wrong answer. Cousin Leon is building a bridge from Winnipeg.

What is this? A game show?

(buzzing)

Band politics is not a game.

Let's go to round two.

Has your experience as councillor

prepared you for chief

or only given you more power to bully?

I'm not a bully!

I'm fluffy, like toilet paper.

Touch that button and I'll tie your fingers in a knot

like laces and throw you over the telephone wire.

But no, I'm not a bully!

Kinda sounds like you're--

(buzzing)

Let's open the phone lines.

Random caller, you're on the air.

Beanpole: Mavis here, remember in high school when

you told everyone I was on my moon time forever

and none of the boys would date me?

You remember that?

Well, do you remember that?

Let it go, Beanpole.

The boys wouldn't date you

'cause you never washed your hair

and you smell like moo.

You remember that?

Hey-hey! We're just asking if you remember that.

You should try being more transparent like that handsome

political juggernaut Cousin Leon.

He's greasing you.

He's been wearing that same cheap suit for

two days in a row now.

(gasping) I am shocked.

This is balanced non-parmesan radio.

That's a low blow.

Well, enjoy your parmesan radio,

you meatball.

(buzzing)

Oh, what's this, Rita?

You're going to buy me this cool gun?!

Of course, my little Pauly boy.

(whispering) Nice work, nice work.

And you're going to let me eat all these candies and chocolates

right before I go to bed even though

I get deadly night terrors?

Put those back my boy.

I love you too much, just like a real mum.

(groaning)

Rita, you're blowing it.

Go get some broccoli.

I say the same thing to him, Rita.

He's such a stubborn boy.

Let's go, Brucey.

Sure thing, Paul's mom.

Oh, please. Call me Jo's mom.

Mom! Just take me back. I've already learned my lesson!

You haven't learned anything.

Where's my 60 bucks, cheapass?

So, this is the elder's lodge, eh?

Hah! Real nice!

(knocking)

Hah! Real wood. Hah!

You guys got bannock?!

Oh, real lucky.

You guys got satellite, too?

Holy smokes.

Well, I guess I'll wander off

into the dark bush

while you guys eat your bannock and soup.

You guys watch your satellite TV.

Should we at least offer him some tea before he dies?

(sighing)

Why don't you stay for some tea, boy?

(grunting)

Make some room, guy!

Why the hell's this boy here?

His mom kicked him out.

Fuck sakes.

Guess he's ours now.

Is that the right speed you're supposed to be

doing that or what? Looks a little slow to me.

(laughing)

Cousin Leon.

Hi, Jo.

I was just seeing where my stuff will go after I become chief.

Chief of weenuks?

There's the real Jo. Making weeknuk jokes.

Fuck off, Leon.

I've been working my ass off here

while you've been in the city scamming people,

and you just come back and want to be chief?

Didn't you hear the news?

I'm a changed man.

Drop the act.

You're a clown, and this is a serious job.

How about I make you an offer?

You drop out of the election now

and I'll let you come back to the band office as...

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe assistant moo cleaner.

How about I make you a counter offer?

Can I interest you in these?

And these on the house.

Yeah.

Well, sit on it and leave.

It's "sit on it and rotate."

Dumbass.

Damn it!

♪

(dinging)

(door closing)

Sterling, come over here!

Holy.

Good thing I got my tickets early to the gun show.

Yeah, we're so frickin jacked now it's crazy.

This guy broke his dad's wrist just by shaking his hand.

Well, I'm calling in a favour.

I wish. Today's back and lats day

and we're jonesing to grip it and rip it.

M'yeah. You wouldn't be jacked without me.

We miss one day and it all goes to shit.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Get in the truck and we'll go over the plan.

Damn kid's leaving a mess in here.

Well, he's good at opening jars.

We haven't had a pickle in months.

I could open that damn jar.

But you didn't.

Paul: Hey! Whose bunk bed is in here?!

It's mine, and it's for storage!

Paul: I call top bunk! No take-backs! No takesies!

You know what that boy needs?

A damn good licking!

(crashing)

Paul: Fuck! I broke it!

♪

Hope you're enjoying your hot dog and pop.

(soft cheering)

One per person.

Beanpole's doing a hot dog head count.

Okay, you've all had your meet, now let's do the greet.

Ah, the youth.

The future.

Um...

What will you do about the low levels of education funding?

School's so long and boring.

Eight years for grade school?

Come on, it's like a weapons charge.

When I'm chief, I'll cut grade six.

- One, two, skip a few. Bam. - (adults cheering)

Diploma time, baby.

Woman: Yeah!

How come you only have one suit?

(audience gasping)

Tough guy, eh?

All full of piss and creatine.

Tell you what else you're full of.

Jo's bullshit.

(audience gasping)

Cutting grade six? Really?

How do you support this clown!?

(audience gasping)

You know, I've seen prison violence.

Gang violence.

I even saw muskrat violence.

They might have been fucking, I still don't know.

But this is the worst kind of violence.

Lateral violence.

(audience agreeing)

Stop hiding behind the youth, Jo.

Why're you even helping her?

She got us an exercise machine.

That's why we're so swole.

Stand up for a second, would you?

(audience murmuring)

The machine doesn't have a leg press.

What kind of chief would force her community to skip leg day?

What else is she going to skip?

Indigenous Peoples' Day Live on APTN?

I got a question.

How come you were BCR'd?

I've learned to embrace my past.

I even worked BCR into my platform.

B, for the bravery to do what no chief

or council has done before, like building a bridge to

the city and cutting grade six.

Both are impossible!

C, for see? I told you so. Jo's a bully!

And R.

Are you going to settle

for the same old shit?

(audience applauding, cheering)

Cousin Leon! Cousin Leon!

Stop eating, boy!

We gotta pray!

Actually, I'm going to lead the prayer.

What?

Just let him try.

Yeah, man. Take the night off, bro.

Big miigwetch!

I want to thank you, Creator,

for this amazing food in front of us.

I also want to thank you for finding me this cool place

to live as I recover from my own mom abandoning me

on the street, for nothing!

And also, my girlfriend Rose.

She also abandoned me, for nothing.

Fuckin' just miss both of them!

You're not supposed to swear, boy!

Yeah, so many rules.

Sit down!

You know what this boy needs?

Is a swift kick in the arse.

Rita: Ah.

(tsking)

Dean, quick question.

Can you tell me, what is going on with the shelves?

Uh, well, you know, I did that merchandising thing

and then I, uh, put everything in alphabetical order.

Just like a LeeBerry.

Oh, okay. Dean, um, I don't think you understood what we--

Let's see. A for apples, avocados.

Sweet, there it is!

Arse wipe.

See? He gets it.

And what does Stephen Harper know about living on the res?

But, Dean, some of the food products have...

Just come with me. Apparently, you put

all of the ice cream in the I section.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, Dean, it's all-- It's all melted now.

Whoa! Easy there, Mr. Science Class.

Okay, and you put the ham in the H section,

and now it's-- it's all turned.

(sniffing)

Well, just turn it back.

Oh, no. No, that's-- That's fine. Yeah, I got it.

(car door opening)

♪

I got you now, you creepy rummaging bastard.

(engine rumbling)

(dinging)

Hello, Grouse Lake. We're going live in pursuit

of known rummager Cousin Leon.

Looks like he hasn't changed his ways after all.

Some people never change.

Cousin Leon, turn around. Slowly.

Why don't you show us what you got there?

Oh. Hey, Jo. Thanks for stopping by.

You mind helping me with these...

Campaign flyers?

What?

What are you doing? Why aren't you rummaging?!

Shit. Can you?

Listen, Dean, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Now, on the one hand, your idea to sell

individual wieners instead of the entire pack,

that has moved a lot of product.

That's the kind of initiative we're looking for.

Yeah, man. Loosies.

Right, on the other hand,

your decision to alphabetize the shelves,

that caused a lot of damage.

Man, you're still on about that?

Dean, I'm sorry, but as per North Store policy,

I do need to discipline you.

Hey, man, why am I in trouble when you hired

a dude who has no experience?

Well, Dean, I--

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Maybe I need to discipline myself.

Okay, one week, no pay.

What about me?

One week, with pay, because I like that you tried.

So, you're going to send me home for one week,

with pay?

That's correct.

Oh, so it's like a vacation.

Oh, no, Dean. No, this is a disciplinary action.

Cool, man. I get disciplication.

That's not a word.

Go away!

Oh hai, kick his arse.

♪

What're you doing?

Why are you just putting on one moccasin?!

And why is it so scary looking?!

Ma! Ma!

(gasping)

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Just a long overdue lickin'.

(chuckling)

(wind howling)

(laughing maniacally)

♪ Warriors of the past ♪

♪ We comin', comin' back ♪

♪ This is Native trap-trap and I suck at rap-rap ♪

♪ Yes, I drink and yes, I smoke, and I love to lose control ♪

♪ Fuck your system, fuck your law ♪

♪ Watch me pull up, where's my squad? ♪

♪ Squad ♪

♪ (Singing in Indigenous language) ♪