Original subtitles

Agnes: Ahh-chi! Look at those big cheeks.

Rose: Ooh, I just wanna squish 'em.

I'm gonna put you in my bingo bag

and take you home.

Yes, I will.

- (mother clearing throat) - Agnes: Sorry.

Yeah, sorry for looking at your baby too hard.

I've seen cuter babies anyways.

Rose: Way cuter.

I'm so sorry that Paul ran away

when he thought that you were pregnant.

Didn't even stick around to find out it was a false positive.

If I had a grandbaby for every time that Paul ran away,

I'd be the king of kookums.

Have you even heard from him?

Nah. He's too scared.

He wouldn't show his face around here,

but, don't worry.

I've even got spotters at the airport.

He's broke and a coward. How's he gonna get back here?

Mail himself?

(laughing) Imagine the size of the box.

Imagine the cost of shipping.

(both laughing)

(thumping)

(grunting)

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Roger (on radio): This is Laughingstick In the Morning,

and it's nomination day in Grouse Lake.

Everyone wants to know who will challenge Deedee

to become our next Chief.

I'm supervising the process all day long,

so here's Uncle Bullshit and the Time Wasters,

with their nine-hour song, "Ain't Got Nowhere Else To Go".

(muffled singing)

(Paul clearing throat)

Whoa! You look way bigger, bro.

Fok man, why didn't you pay for faster shipping?

I was in that box forever.

Oh, they told me you're a heavy item.

I don't have big box money, bro.

Shut up, cock nose!

What's up, fat face?

(both grunting and laughing)

Man, everyone's gonna be pissed at me.

I'm gonna go hide out in the lodge.

No way, man.

You can't get into any of those rooms.

Remember those dogs that had puppies in the tub?

Well, those puppies had puppies

and those puppies are big and hungry now.

Are you serious?

Whole lodge shut down.

Just stay in here, bro. There's lots of room.

Are those buckets labelled number one and number two

because that's your favourite bucket

and that's your second favourite bucket?

Yeah, sure, man.

Ah, fok it! I'm gonna go stay with Brady.

Hang on, bro!

Brady left.

Went to go remarry his ex, Prank Wife.

Turns out the whole wedding was a prank.

That's rough, bro.

I'll say.

And then the North Store sent him up to Norway House.

Those Cree aunties are gonna eat him alive!

Just go stay with Rose, man.

She'll take took you back,

even though you broke her sleep apnea machine.

Hey, man!

She's the one that wanted to dress up

as fighter pilots for Halloween, not me.

Oh, you looked deadly, bro.

I'll figure something out.

Hey, hey. Nominate Deedee.

My girl, what are you handing out?

Nothing.

I don't need to give anything cool away.

Okay, gotcha.

Nothing cool. (laughing)

Jo: Seriously, Mom?

I don't need no damn voting potatoes.

- Hm! - (sighing)

I just hope you get a second nomination.

I already got Lips.

Deedee: Lips! Have a CD.

I can be your second.

It would be embarrassing if a family member endorsed me.

I need a rando to do it, not my mom.

Who?

Willard over there'll do it.

Agnes: Not even, you had his Christmas lights shut off.

How can Christmas lights be too bright?

They were way over the legal limit.

Besides, Norma's got me.

Agnes: Not even!

You shut down her kid's lemonade stand,

and they were calling you, "Native Karen."

Those brats didn't even have a permit.

Good ol' Ray won't let me down.

Agnes: Took away his trampoline.

That wasn't me. The wind blew it away.

Took away his chicken coop, took away his crossbow,

fined her for burning grass and fined him for smoking it.

He was standing right in front of the Head Start.

Well, that's everyone in the gym, Jo.

Ma, if you wanna take your mind off the nominations,

just go give out one of your potatoes.

Mm. People love my potatoes.

(laughing)

Isn't he beautiful?

He is as beautiful as the sun and the stars

reflecting off grandfather lake.

Let's name him, Paul.

That's the name of a simple coward.

(spitting)

No, he needs something mighty.

Let's call him "Comanche."

But that's already the name of your horse.

Then "Comanche Part Two."

(sighing)

What is it?

I'm just worried that you'll have to leave again

and I'll be alone

with... Comanche Part Two.

It is true.

I am at the mercy of the wind,

but now that I'm a proud father

I shall stay right here.

- (baby crying) - Oh, Tatanka.

Stephen: Rose. Rose?

Rose?

I got you a music box.

It plays The Restless Wind theme.

Oh, thanks!

Ooh, I love it.

So, I was thinking about, you know--

Stephen Harper, you were doing so good.

You went two whole weeks without talking about him.

Just never know when Paul might be back.

(sighing)

Paul, get in here!

Ugh! Way to go, Stephen Harper!

Rose, I know you're mad.

Before you kick me out, I just wanna tell you

I'm ready to take you back.

Get out!

Whoa, maybe take a minute to think about it first.

- (cracking) - Ho'ley!

I was just fucking around.

- You took off on me again? - At least he's consistent.

And now you're back because you need a place to stay.

You know what you are, Paul? Fuckin' hobo-sexual.

Not even! I've got lots of places to go.

In fact, I'm the opposite of that.

I'm a... a home-o-sexual.

What!?

Because of all the homes I have, and, how they make me sexual.

(stammering) Rose, just give him a chance.

Ugh. Why? The guy's scared of babies.

Babies are scary.

They have sharp nails and soft heads.

You're the beans to my wieners, Rose.

No, he's the beans to my wieners.

- We're back together. - We are?!

- You are? - Yeah, we are.

Can I run that by Paul first?

Okay, fine! You're back with Stephen Harper.

I guess I'll just move back into my giant box

and have to use my hat as a toilet again.

- Err. - Toilet hat?

Be careful. That's how I got pink eye.

Thanks for nothin', Stephen Harper.

(crowd applauding)

Easy! He's not a judge.

Roger: Welcome to nomination day.

You know the drill.

To get on the ballot,

you need two nominations from registered band members.

Speaking of band members,

we'll start with our incumbent, Chief Deedee.

(crowd applauding)

That's two!

The Chair recognizes your eligibility.

Who the heck's cousin are you?

He's not even from here.

Yeah! Get him out of here.

Screw you, and you.

- Screw you. - (grunting)

The Chair does not recognize your eligibility.

Councillor Jo?

Does Jo have a second nomination?

Come on! (laughing nervously)

Norma.

Willard!

Ray?

The wind blew your trampoline away, not Chief and Council.

(laughing) Wow.

And I thought my rez was tough.

(panting)

(breathing deeply)

(sighing) Oh, it's good to be home.

Bruce: Yeah, I'll say.

♪

Freak show.

What are you doing in my house?

Shouldn't you be at the North Store

doin' a bunch of meat stuff?

Easy, big guy. It's my day off.

And, this isn't your house. It's your mom's.

I have my own door.

- Well, it's my door now. - Fuck it!

I'ma just say sorry to my ma

and everything will be good again.

Ma! Ma!

When you bounced, your mom was hella mad at you, bro.

So she just gave you my house?

I rented it, bro.

Or, step-bro?

Hmph! I'm not your step-anything, bro.

Well, if you're so angry, you can stay.

You want some, uh, almost expired capicola?

Of course!

I want almost expired capicola.

It's the Champagne of meats.

(crowd chattering)

Rose!

Oh, thank creator, you're here.

Can you be my second nomination?

Uh, I'm really sorry, Jo.

I see Stephen Harper standing up.

Ho'ley fok.

Yeah. Sorry, Jo.

Do we have a second nomination for Stephen Harper?

The Chair recognizes Stephen Harper's eligibility.

Stephen Harper? He'll be the best leader ever!

If that's all our candidates, then all that's left to do

is to open up the floor to any final questions.

(whispering) Lips!

- I need you to stall! - On it.

I have a question.

Um, what number am I thinking of?

I know what you're up to.

That's a stupid question.

Yeah, you're just trying to stall.

- Is it six? - No.

- Man: Seven. - Man two: Two.

- Woman: Seven! - Woman two: Three!

Cashier: I don't know. Let me ask the manager.

Is there, uh, some sort of problem?

Nah, man.

Actually, Dean, we have an opening at the North Store,

and since you're the movie man...

Fok'n right I am.

And I hear you help run the lodge.

Actually, some dogs run the lodge now.

I don't know what that means, but, Agnes tells me

you have a real entrepreneurial eye.

Uh, not anymore. I got drops for that.

Dean, I'm trying to ask you

if would you be interested in a job?

- Really? - Yeah.

Yeah, and listen. I'll be honest.

We need to do a diversity hire.

Dude, you're like the only white guy up here.

You are the diversity.

Well, I... I can't fight you on that. (laughing)

Listen. Why don't you take some time and think it over?

Hey, Greg. Tell you what.

Oh, you have an answer already.

That's gonna be a hard fok'n pass.

See, I don't wanna be a corporate sell-out,

buttoned down, corn-fed, uptight, button pushin',

marshmallow motherfucker.

As long as the people out there need movies,

the movie man'll live on.

It pays 15 dollars an hour.

Can I go on break now?

Where's the TV, man?

What do you even do for fun around here?

Wanna play Find The Meat?

I hide. You find.

- It's not that hard. - No.

I don't wanna play Hide The Meat!

Neither do I, man.

It's called "Find The Meat."

Whatever, fok.

You're sad 'cause you miss the way things were.

I felt the same way after the great lice fire of 2011.

Burnt my lice farm down to the ground.

But my new one's kickin' ass though.

There are lice in here?

Yeah, they're my guys.

There's eight generations of 'em in there.

Oh, look. There's Lil' Petey.

He's got nine thousand kids.

Paul: Well, Bruce, uh, I'ma make like a tree,

and I'ma fuck off.

Oh, hang on.

There's a lot of real estate up there.

My lice could use that.

Yeah, but, uh, no hair, right?

Lice don't actually fuck with the hair.

They like the meat.

Where you goin', bro?

(sighing) Don't worry, boys.

I don't know what his problem is either.

♪

Jo: And not only that, but I'll get us better access

to social services, more opportunities for housing.

And just last year, I got an exercise machine

for the Skinny Teens.

Mm, those guys are so jacked now.

That's because I'm assertive.

Every good Chief has to be assertive.

So what are you gonna do for me?

You name it and you got it.

You know what pisses me off?

- That Norma. - Oh?

Always sitting outside the band office,

stealing that Wi-Fi?

Tell her to go home.

Okay, yeah. I'll tell Lips to handle it.

Yeah, can't trust that Norma.

So, will you come to the gym and be my second nomination?

- Oh, I don't vote. - What?

Nah, you wouldn't want my nomination.

I'm an ex-con.

Okay, Rita.

Locked up for insider trading.

- Sure, Rita. - Had a billion dollars.

Was gonna give the money to my Oka friends,

but the feds caught me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Eighteen? - No.

- Son of a bits! - Order!

We're here for an election.

We're gonna go with 383.

- Nope. - What are you guys smoking?

(crowd chattering)

384.

- No. - (Agnes laughing)

Screw you, Lips.

I'm gonna count to three, and if you don't stop...

Has anyone said "three"?

- Woman: 17. - Woman two: 27.

Lips: I'm sorry. Still no.

Woman: Not 20.

Hey, man. No littering.

It's called "loitering," dumb ass.

Why are you wearing that stupid vest?

I work here.

Yeah, it is stupid, eh?

How long you been working here for?

Oh... 15 bucks.

Let me loiter. I got nowhere to go.

Okay, man, if Greg asks,

you tell him I told you to leave, okay?

I'm not scared of Flanders.

He's comin'.

The vest touched the floor.

Well, now I have to burn it.

- Oh, hey, bro. - Oh! Hey, Dean.

- Let me show you something. - Hey, man.

This is like the fifth time you talked to me today.

Are we always gonna be talkin' or what?

Probably, uh, because I'm your boss.

If you say so, bro.

(whispering) Thank you for your service.

Okay, so, you know how the Internet is bad up here,

and people can't stream.

Well, yeah, man, that's why I bring people movies.

Right! Well, check this out.

(laughing excitedly)

I just wanna introduce you to someone.

This is our Tommy Box.

The fok's a Tommy?

This is a DVD rental box.

Yeah, it's gonna change the way that people get their movies

in Grouse Lake.

You can put away those USBs you keep obsessing about

because, now, this bad boy can do that for ya.

- Hmm. - Fuck Lil' Tony, am I right?

Did I... Did I say that right?

Well, I will, uh, leave you two to get acquainted.

Bullshit selection.

"Scrub the Bog, Guvnah!"

- Paul: Ow, fuck! - Trash.

Jo: Good afternoon, shoppers.

It's your councillor Jo.

Hope you're enjoying your shopping experience

or whatever.

Anyway, who wants to come nominate me for Chief?

Well, I didn't approve of this.

Nobody?

Oh, come on.

(whispering) Hey!

I'll pay for your groceries if you come nominate me.

Oh, fuck off.

Jo: Who wants to come nominate me for Chief?

Migwetch!

What an honour it is to be your elected Chief.

None of this would've been possible

without my brother, Paul.

It is fair to say that he showed us

it's okay to run away when things get tough.

My first act as elected Chief

is to allow him to live in whatever home he wants,

for he is not a hobo-sexual.

(crowd applauding)

Jo: And finally, the national body mass index limit,

which is based on weight and height,

should be much higher!

(crowd applauding and cheering)

Crowd: Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul.

Greg: Paul? Paul!

Paul. Paul!

(grunting) I'm up!

I was really rooting for you to wake up there.

Mostly because you can't loiter,

but also because this lovely couple

would like to buy that couch.

Okay, but...

I'm keeping the blanket!

Yeah, I'm... I'm okay with that.

It's your blanket. You brought it with you.

What the fok's a "Camberwell"?

(powering down)

(powering up)

- (crowd chattering) - Fourteen?

- Woman: 79 - Not even close.

Thousand? Fourteen thousand?

Jo: Forget about it. It's over.

I didn't find a second nomination.

- (gavel slamming) - Order! Jo's back.

If there's no second nomination,

then we'll close the proceedings.

Ma! Don't you dare.

Roger: Going once, going twice, going--

- Paul: Wait! - (woman gasping)

- (crowd chattering) - I...

- Paul Bittern, nominate... - No, Paul!

my biological sister, Josephine Bittern,

to run for Chief!

Yeesh!

Nomination accepted for Jo.

Ma! I'm back.

- Agnes: You damn baby leaver! - (gavel hitting)

The Chair recognizes your eligibility.

Well, if that's it...

(tires squealing)

- (rock music playing) - Woman: What's this?

Not so fast.

♪

Agnes: (gasping) It's Cousin Leon!

Roger: Who wants to nominate Cousin Leon?

Right here.

Now, who's my second?

- Crowd: Me! - Woman: Me, me, me!

- (gavel hitting) - (crowd chattering)

The Chair recognizes your eligibility.

Fok'n rights.

Crowd: Yeah!

Roger: Evening, Grouse Lake.

That was one heck of a ride today.

The campaign for Chief is gonna be a good one.

Chief Deedee, Stephen Harper, Jo, Cousin Leon.

Some guy from way up north also tossed his hat in the ring

before we busted him.

Too bad. He had a face for TV.

But, in much bigger news,

we still don't know what number Lips was thinkin' of.

Good thing we got him right here.

They can't see you, Lips.

Hi, everyone.

The phones are lighting up fast,

so call in and tell us what number he's thinkin' of.

Caller, go ahead.

Dean: Eleven?

- Nope. - Dean: Twelve?

Hey, hey! Only one number per call.

Put on a pot of coffee, Grouse Lake.

It's gonna be a long night.

♪

♪ Always did our shoppin' ♪

♪ At the Northern Store ♪

♪ Prices were so high ♪

♪ We couldn't hardly pay ♪

♪ Lard and flour ♪

♪ Baking powder... ♪

♪ Often there was nothing left to buy a can of beans ♪

♪ Always hate it ♪

♪ Eating bannock without beans ♪

♪ Bannock without beans, yeah ♪

♪ Bannock without beans ♪

♪ Went out to trap line... ♪

♪ Beaver's trapped and trap the rat ♪

♪ Lots of Vaseline... ♪