Original subtitles

Welcome, uncles and little uncles.

As the deadliest uncle in Grouse Lake,

I'm pleased you've come to me to learn the ways.

First thing you need to know to be a deadly uncle

is the Uncle Shuffle.

(laughing) So dope!

♪

Start real simple.

You don't want to bust a hip.

Just sway back and forth.

It's about endurance.

Uncles gotta be on the floor sometimes

from 6:00 PM right to the neon moon.

Nice moves, Stephen Harper.

Add some feet now.

Yeah, yeah.

More hips, Lips.

Like this?

(laughing) You're a natural, boy.

Now, the most important part of the Uncle Shuffle,

the arms.

Whoa, boy!

That's too big, Sterling.

You wave your arms around like that,

how you gonna carry auntie's purse for her?

♪

She went to the bathroom.

Now, act like you've just seen a deadly auntie

and point your lips over to her

so the other uncles can see.

♪ All night long ♪

Sterling, you're all over, man.

You're pointing at all the aunties, gettin' greedy.

You're gonna get run outta town!

Look at Lips.

Such discipline.

♪ In my eyes ♪

(tape recorder turning off)

What the heck are you guys doing?

Is that my purse?

S'up, auntie? Check out my moves.

Ta-ta-ta-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Cha-cha-cha.

Shit.

Too much arms.

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Up next,

a tale fit for a Hollywood movie.

A spooky one.

Unless you've been hiding under a rock,

you've heard of Mr. Witch Face,

the bank robber who wears a Halloween mask.

Like this one.

♪

Oh, scary.

To date, Mr. Witch Face has struck 11 banks

across the prairies,

with nothing but a sharpened broom.

This week,

the story took a dramatic turn.

Police were finally able to apprehend Mr. Witch Face,

but while being transported to prison by plane,

Mr. Witch Face jumped out

over the wilds of northern Manitoba.

I headed to Grouse Lake First Nation,

a remote fly-in community

400 kilometres northwest

of Winnipeg.

Just one of the communities in which Mr. Witch Face

could have landed.

While typically a sleepy town,

the people of Grouse Lake are now gripped with fear.

Will they come face to face with Mr. Witch Face?

♪

Did I say "Mr. Witch Face" too many times?

Ah, screw it. The editors can figure it out.

(laughing)

(sighing) Classic fuckin' Brian.

And now we gotta stare at his mug all day?

No, man. I live for this idiot.

Do you know how fun it was

cutting his International Woman's Day story?

He said a lot of dumb shit in that pink hat.

How does this guy still have a job?

I don't know, but it's awesome.

Look at him. It's like he thinks he's in Jumanji.

Feels like he's gonna bring out a lion cub on a talk show.

Let's just get this over and done with, Judah.

What do we got here?

Well, technically, I...

I'm sorry.

What was the question again?

I didn't ask you a question yet.

So tell me,

how has the fugitive affected your business?

Well, I'm the general manager of Sagatay Lodge.

Basically, I had to take a one year professional hiatus

from this place.

My cousin, Dean, he almost burnt it down to the ground.

But I was able to turn things around.

- Lodge Guest: Excuse me. - Hello.

How are you enjoying our facilities and amendments?

I hate to be a problem,

but there's a dog giving birth in the bathtub.

Ooh, you're gonna wanna keep your distance.

They can be very territorial.

Oh, no, of course.

I apologize for that.

But the Sagatay Lodge, it could be a unique experience.

There's a lot of history in this building.

Look at this chair.

This chair has been

in my family's history for over a hundred years.

My great-great-great Mooshum,

when he was fightin'

for his land and he needed to take a load off...

chair was there.

Even today when things get tough

and I need to think of the ancestors, I--

Oh, my God! (grunting)

That was witchcraft! That wasn't my weight!

- (editors laughing) - Witchcraft, I said!

- It's witchcraft. (groaning) - (editors laughing)

- Paul: Open a window! - (editors laughing)

I think it's my femur.

Oh, the ancestors, they really fucked me with this one.

I can't. I can't!

- Pause it. - (groaning)

Add it to the pile of Brian bloopers.

Honestly, I've got hours of this shit.

Paul: Open a window!

Tiana: Okay, let's just move on.

By the looks of this guy, he lives on a bus?

So, Dean, you've been holed up in this bus bunker

since news of the fugitive broke.

When's the last time you saw the light of day?

What did ya mean?

Well you must be so scared of the fugitive.

(grunting)

Whoa, heads up.

Pass me that can of butter, bro.

Wait, you mean this?

Yeah, man, butter.

♪

So, back to the interview, if I may?

How has your life changed?

Well, I guess I'm busier, bro.

I'm hooking up people with movies like crazy

because now everybody wants to see Hocus Pocus or Teen Witch.

So, so, you're saying life is better?

There's only one motherfucker I got to watch out for, Lil' Tony.

He thinks he's the movie man,

but his Mom only lets him have the clean versions

of the movies.

No nudity.

That's your movie man?

His Basic Instinct is too basic.

So tell me about the fugitive.

That poor guy.

Don't tell anybody, but,

I've been leaving a plate of food out for him every morning

just in case.

So, you're worried about him?

I know what it's like to be in the bush alone.

My parents forgot me on a camping trip.

Okay, we're good.

If you ever find that witch, can you tell me if he's okay?

And if you see my parents,

can you tell 'em I'm still in Grouse Lake?

Brian: So, before we get started if we could just--

Don't worry.

The name's Roger Laughingstick and you spell it like it sounds.

Oh, good.

Well, it sounds like you've done this before.

Amen, brother.

You and me, we're in the same business, eh?

Did you know I was the first one to report

the fugitive on the loose?

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

People really count on me to deliver the news around here.

I may sleep a lot but there's no rest for the Laughingstick.

Okay, well, so for my first question--

And let's be honest,

when something bad happens in the world

that's pretty good for our business, eh?

Well you know what they say, "If it bleeds, it leads!"

I mean you don't win awards for a headline that reads,

"Bank Not Robbed by Sharp Broom."

- (both laughing) - Right on!

Oh, hey, are you getting me and the mic in the shot here?

Oh, don't worry.

We'll pick up some shots of you doing your thing live on the air

after the interview.

- We are live on the air, man. - (microphone button clicking)

We're talking about the witch on the loose with our guest,

Brian, so if you have any questions, just call in.

You... you mean we're on the air now?

Yeah, I had to move bingo for you.

- (phone ringing) - Oh, look at that.

We got a caller already.

- (phone ringing) - Go ahead.

You're live on the air

with Laughingstick and Brian in the afternoon.

Caller: You cancelled bingo for this shit?

You better hope that witch gets you before I do.

You know what? That's a great question.

You should probably answer that, Brian.

Uh... (stammering)

- (multiple phones ringing) Hold on a second, Gramps.

The board's really lighting up here.

Do you mind if we do this later?

You're really upsetting everyone.

Tiana: Did he honestly say, "If it bleeds, it leads."?

- So greasy. - Tiana, he always says that.

He said that in the Woman's Day piece.

I mean is there a story here? This is dumb, right?

Judah: We got enough for Funniest Home Videos.

- Oh, my God! - We are fucked.

I heard that there was this white guy at the gas bar

in Duck Bay and that he looked witchy as hell, too,

but that could just be because he was in Duck Bay.

Nah, boy, that was our cousin.

He's just pale skinned is all.

♪

Brian: And how scared of the witchman are you?

I like sugar.

Okay, real simple question.

How has the witch hunt changed your life?

This interview I guess. That's big.

- Like, I get to meet TV Head. - TV Head?

Yeah, your head's always on TV, bro.

Okay, so as the band constable,

what safety precautions have you taken?

I'm just doin' my duty, keeping everyone safe,

checking the perimeters and the vicini...ties.

Sometimes I do the perimeters twice.

And when I do, I use this big guy.

It's my prized possession.

- The flashlight? - Yeah, man.

You imagine what that witch boy would do if he saw this thing

shining at him in the bush?

Shh, shh, shh! You hear that?

It's gotta be him.

Hey! Hey!

Smarten up!

Better not be robbing banks out there!

Drop the broom!

Ah. (sighing) Got away.

This is why we need

better training up here.

(editors laughing)

Judah: Tiana, check this out.

Tiana: What the fuck is this?

Brian does this all the time.

He likes to film his tennis stroke to try to fix his form.

Please fast forward this.

Judah: Yeah, sure. I've got hours of this.

- I could send it to you. - Don't.

Oh, that's the Chief.

(playing electric guitar)

Cool. Thanks.

(playing electric guitar)

I think we got it!

(Chief clearing throat)

As Chief, what safety steps have you taken on the rez?

Now, you can tell all your friends

that you heard Eagle Heart live at work today.

Eagle Heart? What's that?

Are you serious? Big Makwa?

That, uh, doesn't ring any bells, Chief.

Come on. We were huge in the nineties.

- I'm sure you were. - Ugh!

Eagle Heart was our biggest hit.

It's about a boy with an eagle heart.

Ringing any bells?

Judah: I... I gotta look up Eagle Heart.

No way. You found it?

(eagle screeching on video)

♪ The doctor said no ♪

♪ From the start ♪

♪

♪ This kid can't have ♪

♪ An eagle heart ♪

♪ No! ♪

♪ His numbers ♪

♪ Are off the charts ♪

♪ 'Cause this boy has animal parts ♪

♪

♪ This kid can't have ♪

♪ An Eagle heart ♪

♪

- Brian: Hey, you two! - Judah: (laughing) TV Head!

(both laughing)

Got you a lot of good footage, right?

Yeah, you really knocked it out of the park.

This just reeks of that Brian magic.

And good news,

I just talked them into making this story a feature.

Tiana: A feature?

It's just that there's nothing here.

Yeah, who knows?

This could be my next Golden Mic Award.

Oh, it's gotta feel good to be on Team Brian, eh?

Oh, feels good. Feels real good.

Well, I'll let you two get to it.

I, uh, I gotta get to a Freedom Convoy thing

on the other side of town.

Covering or attending?

I can't wait to find out.

Brian: As one of the more elderly people up here,

you must be losing sleep

and staring out your windows at night

now that there's a fugitive out there dressed like a witch.

What size are you guys? Medium?

I think that you would look very handsome

in this sweet...

Meech Lake Accord hoodie.

I think I'm good, thanks.

So, you're one of the more vulnerable people up here.

- And... - (stammering)

I've got these Big Mukwa hats, but don't tell Deedee.

Ho'lee! She tried to sue me.

- (laughing) - No kidding.

So if I could just ask you a quick question--

Okay, okay. This just came in.

And on the back it says,

"I ain't afraid of no Witch Face."

- So, what's it gonna be? - (stammering)

- (door opening and closing) - What?

They broke my chair and didn't help me.

Who did that to you?

All of them.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

- No, no, it was an old chair. - Did you even crack a window?

Nope. Even after I told them to.

Brian: Uh, if you could just give us your name.

Uh, Josephine, but, uh, people call me "Chief."

Uh, my, my name is not Chief.

My name's Joe.

I don't know why I just said that.

You were the one who asked.

As band councillor, you must deal with this kind of stuff

all of the time.

Violence, death, and witches...

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I see what you're trying to do.

You want me to give you some sad story about how shit the rez is,

pushing this old, tired narrative.

Why don't you come out here and shoot the good stuff?

Like our acres of protected land,

or the fact that Blue--

--I mean, one of our community members

just won the national spelling bee!

But, no,

you wanna continue perpetuating this idea

that all we're about is asking for handouts!

Did somebody say handouts? I wouldn't mind a handout.

Not now, Ed!

I'm not letting you come into my community

to shoot some poverty porn bullshit!

I was in a poverty porn once.

Oh, God! That's sick.

Eds, get out!

And now, for an exclusive.

Joining us is local store manager,

Brady Clark.

Brady, thanks for being here.

Sorry I wouldn't let you in the store.

I got confused.

I thought you had the witch with you.

Oh. (laughing) Oh, no, no, no.

But he could be anywhere.

You don't have to say that.

Maybe just stop.

Wait, is the witch in the studio with you?

Did my ex-wife tell you that I shit myself

during The Blair Witch?

Is this one of those things

where you know I have a lifelong fear of witches?

So you're gonna being 'em out here, so I can face my fears?

Oh, shoot. That would have been good.

Maybe for sweeps.

So tell us, Brady,

what's the mood like in Grouse Lake right now?

Oh, no one's taking it seriously at all.

These people don't care about witches.

They have bigfoot and little people to deal with.

But obviously you are taking it seriously.

Yeah, because I'm white!

I don't want people to think that I did this.

Did you know that most bank robbers

and most witches are white?

But I don't know this guy.

He doesn't represent us.

I'm not a witch!

I-I-I'll take a DNA test.

Oh!

I'm Rose Sinclair, but call me "@rezzyandreal."

That's my handle.

Oh, just your real name is fine.

It's where I teach beauty hacks on the cheap.

Follow, like, and subscribe for all my videos.

So tell me, Rose,

the phones must be ringing off the hook here.

Not really.

Come on! They gotta be.

Rose, can we do this question again,

but this time I want you to give me a real sense

of the fear running through Grouse Lake.

Do you know what I mean?

And if you could just, if you could--

I got you. I got you.

This will get you some hits.

- Okay. - Ask me again.

So tell me, Rose, how have things changed for you

here at the band office since the news came down?

Oh, yeah.

The whole place is just running scared.

Can't even go out alone.

Great! That was great!

Okay, now we just wanna get you answering the phone,

as you normally would.

- Easy peasey. - Okay, okay. (clearing throat)

Ring, ring.

Hello, Grouse Lake band office.

Wait. Slow down.

Uh-huh. No, not Gerry!

Please, not Gerry!

But he was so young!

I just talked to him yesterday!

What about his kids?

What about the kids!?

How was that?

I can go bigger.

No.

It's perfect!

Brian: How's the dream team doin'?

Hard hitting stuff, right?

I don't know, Brian.

We've gone through all the footage

and there is no story here.

Are you serious?

I mean everything you need is right in there.

No, you're...

No, you're just not looking hard enough.

Here, get up. Get up.

Yeah, up, up, up. Get up, get up.

- Okay. - So I'm off the story now?

Yep, I got it from here.

Ugh! Classic fuckin' Brian.

B-B-Both of us?

Yeah. You can go.

Sweet.

Hey, it's all yours, TV Head.

Now, what's the...

Female Anchor (on TV): Congratulations are in order

as Winnipeg celebrates its one millionth pothole.

Never been on TV before.

I hear a lot of people get discovered on the news.

(gasping) What if I get a sneaker deal?

(Laughing) 'Ever, slack.

As if anyone ever got a sneaker deal from buckling a chair.

Man, shut up, Dean.

Female Anchor: A northern community is torn apart

by danger lurking nearby.

Brian Granway brings us a story on a very special edition...

- of Granway Investigates. - Oh, shh, our story's on!

I spoke with the frightened people of Grouse Lake

to see how they're adjusting to the threat of Mr. Witch Face.

A bank robbing witch prowling in the woods nearby.

What about his kids?

What about the kids?

There's only one mother(beep) you gotta watch out for.

You're gonna wanna keep your distance.

Shh, shh, shh. It's gotta be him.

They can be very territorial.

Most bank robbers and most witches are white.

I'm white. I'm white.

- It doesn't represent us. - (Witch cackling effect)

Wise words from a white man, indeed.

I'm Brian Granway for Granway Investigates

coming to you from Grouse Lake,

a broken community, reeling from fear.

They may never recover.

- I think it's Witch... - Brian: ..Face.

I wouldn't mind a handout.

(groaning)

Female Anchor: Thank you, Brian.

Chilling.

All: Fuck!

(audience applauding)

Wow. Uh, uh...

I, uh, I humbly accept this humanitarian award in journalism

on behalf of the people of Grouse Lake,

for I am the voice of the voiceless.

But, uh...

there is someone I really need to thank.

Someone... who's kept me going all these years.

Giorgio, my tennis pro.

♪

We did it, man!

We did it!

♪ Ricky was different ♪

♪ He wasn't like the rest ♪

♪ 'Cause this kid has a bum heart ♪

♪ In his chest ♪

♪ The boy got advice ♪

♪ From a real deadly auntie ♪

And this just in, we've received the results

from Brady Clark's DNA test.

Turns out, 25 percent witch.

What?!

No!

♪ The doctor said no ♪

♪ From the start ♪

♪ This kid can't have ♪

♪ An eagle heart ♪

♪ No! ♪

♪ His numbers are ♪

♪ Off the charts ♪

♪ 'Cause this boy ♪

♪ Has animal parts... ♪