Original subtitles

Yo, check it out. That's my gramps.

The guy's deadly.

Cooked the grouse over the fire

this one time with his bare hands.

Didn't even flinch.

My uncle said, this one time, a moose ran up behind him

while he was pissin',

grabbed his gun and shot it twice.

Didn't even put his cock away.

All right, here's your delivery.

Fuck, that old man's a legend.

He's probably on his way to his trap line now.

My cousin says he lives straight up off the land.

Doesn't even fuck with the store.

(sighing)

(sighing contentedly)

(sighing contentedly)

Mmm...

Mmm...

Woman on TV: Okay, we're back! We're back!

If you think polka-dots are old-fashioned, think again.

(chuckling)

♪ Yes, I can love you baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ A beautiful sight ♪

♪ Coming down the isle ♪

♪ An angel in white ♪

Lil' Fatty's, Fat Spring Meadow laundry detergent.

Gotta keep my sex sweater fresh for my b'eb.

Oh!

I wrote, "Back together with my honey,"

on our Rose and Paul 4-eva page.

Let's see how much love our love got.

Look what Jo wrote.

Man!

Jo's a hater.

"You guys won't last a week." (scoffing)

"I'll give you a thousand dollars

"if we don't last the week."

Where are you going to get a thousand bucks from?

Duh, my child tax.

B'eb, look what she says!

"LOL! I'll take your money, no problem."

Done! (chuckling)

This is my bet.

That's not a bet. What do you get out of it?

Shit. Hold on.

"And if you lose, you have to give me a thousand dollars."

She says, "Too late."

Whatever.

The look on her stupid face when we win is all I need.

But we can't break up.

You squirreled away a grand and didn't tell me?

I told you I was saving my child tax

for when I go back to the city.

You're just saving up so you can take off again?

And how are you still getting child tax in your thirties?

My mom still gets it.

And then, she gives it to her best boy.

Hey, Roger.

Community announcements.

Hmm. Say, Jo.

Chief Deedee in her office?

Why? Whaddya want from her?

Did you heard?

The band has an extra two thousand bucks.

If they don't spend it,

it goes back to the feds.

Why do you care about the surplus?

'Cause I went down to the Chief

and I asked, "If there's any extra money,

"can I buy a new Bingo machine?"

And she said, "Yes, yes, whatever you want."

The fuck?

And I'm not just getting any bingo machine.

Look at her.

The new WinMax 5000 Elite -

the Cadillac of Bingo machines.

That's bullshit!

I asked Chief Deedee to use the surplus on an exercise machine

for those skinny teens and she said the same thing.

I'll just go ask her again, then.

Hurry up, then.

Go on, then.

Look, Brady... this is never easy.

Is this still about the smashed TV?

Because I already paid for it.

This is really bad, Brady. You destroyed your own store.

Yeah, but,

like, you can't make an omelette

without breaking a few eggs, right?

- Is the store the egg, Brady? - Ehh.

Look, this is serious, okay?

I'm gonna have to look into everything, including the books.

Until then, well...

Well, I'm afraid you're suspended.

- Suspended? - I'm sorry.

But yeah, this comes right from headquarters.

Now I-I hate to ask, but...

Oh, come on, man. Not that.

(sighing)

Now, my review should be done by the end of the week.

Until then, I need you to clear out of the manager's residence

and leave behind your uniform.

- And Brady... - Yeah?

I know you have two fleece vests, okay?

Don't try to sneak off with one.

Oh my God. Can you read my mind?

Oh, Brady...

How come you haven't liked my new Rezzie & Real video?

What?

I don't know. I just-- I haven't seen it yet.

You should be watching every day and giving me likes.

Hey there, my Rezzie & Real fam.

So, today, I'm going to show you how to make a natural

and delicious lipstick I call

Nacho Dust Lips.

So, to make Nacho Dust Lips,

all you need to do is mix non-ceremonial bear grease

with the powder from a big bag of nacho chips.

Shout out to my honey for the chips.

- Wait. What? - So, to get the powder,

you simply crush the bag, like this.

(crunching)

Just really smash them up good.

Are those my weekend chips?!

You actually don't need a lot for this,

so you can just toss out the rest.

I-I can't even watch this anymore.

Are you seriously tripping over chips?

You crushed them up, like they meant nothing!

So, weekend chips are more important than me.

Your sister's already looking good on that dumb bet.

No, no, no, no, no.

I love you. I don't love chips.

Here, look.

You can watch whatever you like.

Woman on TV: Chips - we know you love them.

Who doesn't love chips?

Crunchy, salty, sexy chips?

It will make you want to leave your woman.

(loud rock guitar playing)

Remember when you said I could get a new bingo machine?

But the skinny teens have been asking

for an exercise machine for months!

Sorry. Did you not see the sign?

(Electric guitar sounding)

I thought that was a joke sign.

- (note blaring) - But you promised!

You said, "Yes, yes, whatever you want."

You know, when you and Roger asked me for money,

I was probably singing my new song:

"Yes, Yes, Whatever You Want."

My bad. It's a real earworm.

♪ Take what you need, I'm going for a jaunt ♪

♪ Yes, yes, whatever you want ♪

So, what now?

How about you and Roger here

pitch me your ideas on Friday and I'll pick?

Let's do it now! I'm ready.

No. Sorry. Can't.

- (guitar blaring) - (sighing)

(guitar blaring)

- (knocking) - Agnes: Hey, Brady,

I borrowed these from the store. Your favourite.

Oh, thanks.

I'm starving.

All they give us here are Dean's raw dogs.

Go on, eat something.

You're getting skinny, Brady.

Hey, how are things at the store?

I bet that Greg is a real hard-ass.

Oof. Everybody loves him.

Bruce meat guy keeps saying

that he wished he would stay forever,

and he says that he's better than...

How do you say it?

"The little bitch who used to run the place,"

whoever that is.

That's me, I'm the little bitch.

Oh... you're the little B.

Makes sense.

(voice breaking:) What's Bruce's problem?

(sobbing)

Man on TV: Fabric is so detailed.

Your hands, they're so...

skilful.

I could watch you sew all day long.

Oh, Tatanka, I love that you love the things I love.

Come on, man, volley that shit! God!

Are you watching men's volleyball?

Do we even have anything in common?

Okay, here, take my phone.

We'll watch Reckless Wings.

What is it, my love?

What troubles upon your brow?

Um... can you ask your horse, Comanche to cover his eyes?

(whinnying)

No.

- (whinnying) - (woman on TV moaning)

I want you to try something I made.

Mmm...

It's gluten-free bannock.

Try some.

Mmm...

(crunching)

- You like it? - Yeah, I love how hard it is.

It's like giving my teeth a work out.

Better than your mom's?

(serious:) Is it better than your mom's?

Then, tell her.

(phone ringing)

Hey, my baby boy.

I was just thinking about you, and then you called.

What did you just say, my baby?

It's... It's better than mine?

Hol'eh!

- Mama, say something! - (Agnes sobbing)

- Mama! - (sobbing)

Oh, hey, man.

Hey, check this out.

Brady found this box of old fireworks when he was cleaning.

Hearing-lossers.

Finger-takers. And check this out.

That's a Creator Stick!

Yeah, man. Saving these for later to cheer up Brady.

Brady: Hey, I think we should be good now.

Paul, did you see the fireworks?

Yeah, bro. So, you in or what?

Um... Uh, hell yeah!

- Yeah! - Bam!

- Dean: Yeah! - Paul: Hold up.

Why is he cleaning gitch on a board?

Why is there a bucketful of gitch?

And why do you have a frickin' plunger?

I don't want to know.

Okay, let's get these up on here.

Dean: Yeah, making good progress here.

Behold!

By the traditional laws of band funding,

we have met at this chosen ground

to settle now and for always

who gets the surplus?

Roger Laughingstick and his WinMax 5000 Bingo machine?

It's the gold plated toilet of bingo machines.

Or...

Jo and her exercise machine?

Okay let's get started.

But, wait! There's a third challenger,

who I must've sang "Yes, Yes, Whatever You Want" to.

Anyways,

he is first.

I got four words for you guys:

"Ec o tour ism."

Jo: Beat it, Ed!

Go on!

Okay. I'll go next.

Sterling: Check this out.

What does our future look like

if our youth are not jacked?

How are they supposed to get jacked?

With a bingo machine?

No chance.

Studies have shown that the endorphins released

in the mind of a youth

significantly increases

when they're using a exercise machine.

Are future is headed for a crash if we continue with this trend.

The most positive future we could have

is in direct correlation to how jacked our youth are.

I present to you the chair-lifting exercise.

These skinny youth could barely lift these chairs up

with their spaghetti arms.

I present to you the pickle jar challenge.

Real wimpy, he is.

Real easy that was.

And this is why

we need an exercise machine.

Well, that's my little pitch.

Chi miigwetch.

Follow that, Laughingprick.

Meh.

It's almost picture time.

So, there's these firecrackers,

and me, Dean, and Brady,

we want to go light 'em up and set 'em off later.

Ugh. You're so shiny.

And it's not even for fun. It's because Brady's real sad.

Wait. Picture time?

Yeah. We're taking a family photo for my vision board.

I want us to have lots of kids.

Uh, don't manifest me, man.

Don't talk like that in front of the kids.

Kids?

Oh shit!

I'm gonna go freshen up my gloss.

You better be wearing this when I get back.

Roger: Close your eyes.

(flute playing ethereal music)

Imagine a world where the bingo balls

don't dart out of the machine

to hit an unsuspecting player's eyes!

That's never even happened before!

If we don't act,

the results will be deadly!

Just overkill, bro.

My learned friend Jo

seems to be a fan of the status quo.

I know the rest of you want to save lives.

So, I present to you...

the future!

I made this one myself!

Dual ball tumblers!

LED number display!

And even...

a finger warmer for the caller!

Ooh!

Bingo scientists call it

the WinMax 5000

Elite Bingo Console!

But I... propose...

we call it...

The Deedee!

Well, I've heard enough.

You win the two thousand dollars!

(cheering)

Jo: Seriously?

We could just change the name of the exercise machine

to the Deedee.

Not sure I want sweat on something named after me.

(cheering)

(laughing)

All right.

Yeah!

What? It's for safety.

Hey, Brady, I got some good news.

Bruce said that all that

"little bitch" stuff is totally you.

Oh. Thank you for poking around.

And Greg said that he's looking at the books.

He said something about a...

forensic audit?

"Forensic"? That sounds deadly, hey?

Hey!

Okay, bye.

Wait. Where's your daddy?

Paul? Paul?!

He fucking greased me.

Paul: Hey, b'eb.

Uh, where are the kids?

Don't you "b'eb", me. I'm breaking up with you, Paul!

Can't you break up with me tomorrow?

Are you seriously worried about the money right now?

I'll give you half!

You're half everything:

half man, half Native, half-assed,

and I don't "half" the time for this shit.

I see what you did there!

How's it going?

(sighing)

So, you only stayed for the money?

You've been holding that against me all week long.

Why don't you just fly away to Winnipeg,

like a child tax millionaire?

Why don't you go run back to Stephen Harper?

(sighing)

Look at us.

We're two people who don't wanna get hurt.

I want to grow up and I want to be the better man,

but I can't do any of those things...

without you and...

And?

And...

I could... move in with you.

Really?

Oh, Paul...

Go and get the sex sweater.

Good morning, Grouse Lake.

This is Laughingstick in the Morning.

And that was Vern Cransten and the Cat Slappers,

playing the "Who-Haw Shuffle". Never gets old.

You know what else will never get old?

The new WinMax 5000 Elite I won for us all.

It's the bacon wrapped scallop of bingo machines.

Speaking of competitions,

I wonder if Paul and Rose are still together?

Only one hour left.

Hey b'eb.

I brought you some breakfast, b'eb.

B'eb! I've got the best b'eb, b'eb.

You're such a b'eb, b'eb!

B'eb, so I was thinking...

maybe when we get our money,

we could get a pedal boat and peddle on the river together?

"Our" money?

You mean my money.

No. Our money.

Now, that you're moving in, we share everything.

I only said that "I could" move in.

Listen to the words, man.

And you listen to these words, man!

- We're broken up. - (groaning)

Fok!

And everybody knows.

Brady, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

I had some employees fill out a performance report for you,

and the results are not good.

More than one employee called you a, uh...

Just want to get this right.

"A little bitch."

- Wow. - That doesn't really matter.

It's not why I have to let you go.

I'm fired?!

We did a forensic audit, Brady,

and as suspected, the store's finances are a complete mess.

I can explain.

It's too late, Brady.

- You're fired. - (sighing)

Look, I know we lost the pitch,

but it isn't over yet.

There's a thousand bucks in there.

Can I hold it?

Easy.

I won it off my stupid brother.

Now, we have half the cash

to buy the exercise machine.

I'll get the rest by Treaty Days.

Deadly! I wish you were Chief, man.

You get shit done.

You're god'damn rights I do.

Thanks, Mom! This looks great!

I'm really happy you're not mad at me anymore.

Moose stew for your growin' boy.

But I, uh...

I don't see any bannock around.

If you were hoping for bannock for your moose stew,

then you shouldn't have broken your Ma's heart

with your dumb lies.

No, that was Rose! She was the one that told--

Oh, and I got a letter from the government.

You did?

They said they don't pay liars child tax anymore!

No! Ma!

Ma!

No! (voice echoing) Ma!

♪ A beautiful sight coming down the isle ♪

♪ An angel in white ♪

♪ You take my breath away ♪

♪ Tonight, together, we'll fly away ♪

♪ Like two sparrows flying high ♪