Original subtitles

(birds chirping, fire crackling)

♪

Beautiful day today.

Yes, it is.

(grunting)

Look at that.

I really like the look of your pemmican.

You can have some.

(grunting)

Yeah.

It's a real nice day.

What's that you got there?

Is that a satchel?

You know it's a satchel.

It's really nice.

My grandparents made it.

Lot of lineage.

That's where I keep my blueberries.

I don't think you're getting it.

I really really like...

...your satchel.

Yeah, it's a nice bag.

Listen, I'm going to hit the road.

(grunting)

It's a real beautiful satchel.

Okay, you love the satchel.

I get it. I will keep your compliment with me

and it will keep me warm in my journey. Goodbye.

I forgot to say,

I love that jacket of yours.

♪

How do I look? Goes good with the satchel.

(birds chirping)

♪ 'Cause I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪

Roger: That was Cryin' On My Moon

by Sad Sonyah and the Crybabies,

and in case you forgot who I am,

this is Laughingstick in the Morning

starting a little later than usual.

(slurping, sighing)

Went and seen a moose out in the bush that died funny

and ho'ley, it was dead and deadly.

If you wanna talk about it,

- lines are open! - (phone ringing)

Go ahead, you're on the air with Laughingstick.

Rita: It's Rita.

Rita, did you see the moose?

Rita: Nah, I just need a ride to the store.

For what?

Rita: I'm out of eggs!

Alright, Rita's out of eggs.

If you're out there listening, maybe swing by and pick her up.

♪

Oh, hey! You're in luck!

I am?

Yeah, we got a promotion on right now.

Anyone who gets a bag of coffee gets a free box of chocolates.

Oh, okay.

It's not just for people I like, it's for anybody.

What are you, trying to give me diabetes?

Uh... Oh, um...

Maybe for Chickadee?

You want her to have diabetes?

You know what? It's a dumb promotion.

We're gonna stop it. We're gonna stop it!

Somebody heard me. So...

Oh. Okay.

See you, Brady.

Oh, yeah, you will?

(romantic music swelling)

Woman on TV: I prayed for your return.

A'ho, I have returned, as has my loyal horse companion, Comanche.

Yes, of course. Hi there, Comanche.

Is it true you came back for me?

It is true.

You are as beautiful as I remember.

I will take you up Hunter's Peak to watch the sunset.

Forget the sunset. Take me now.

No. I must first earn your love

over time with several romantic gestures.

- (booming outside) - Woman: Oh, Tatanka!

(booming)

Man: Move you fuckin' thing!

Fucking come on! I'm stuck! (grunting)

Come on!

- (ripping) - Shit!

What the fuck!?

(grunting)

(panting)

Do you have duct tape?

Look at this shit. It's all fucked.

And I think I swallowed a bug, too.

Good for you.

Ho'leh don't even be like that.

What do you want?

I heard you and Stephen Harper got nothing going on right now.

None of your business.

Cool, cool, cool, 'cause I was thinking

maybe you can come by, we can hang out later?

Come over?

Yeah, I'll cook up some macaroni and cheese,

I'll cut up some wieners,

we'll watch Hell's Kitchen.

I know you love that shit.

You want me to just come to your Mom's place?

It's my house, my mom's my neighbour.

Your place is built right onto her place.

I have my own door.

Is this your idea of fighting for me,

because this feels like nothing.

I said I was going to cut up the wieners.

Look at us, we're already fighting

and we're not even back together.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not fighting.

When I was talking about picking you up,

that's just the start of it, but we can skip all that

and we can-- we can go to the big thing.

Oh, you planned a big thing?

You think I came all this way just to

rip my pants in front of you?

I don't know.

It's me, it's your little bannockburger, you know?

I'll come by in the morning, and, we'll, uh...

we'll do the big thing.

Okay. Cool. I'd like that.

Just fuckin' missing her!

Easy, bannock butt.

You're just missing your arse.

(groaning)

Ho'ley heck boy, go change them pants.

I'm going to tell Mummy you're talking shit!

You know my brother's an idiot, eh?

Sometimes he's a sweet idiot.

With taped up pants.

He just ripped them.

Oh, that makes it so much better then.

Don't even tell me you're getting back with that weenuk.

- I don't know. Maybe. - (booming outside)

We'll see.

(booming)

Paul: Holy shit, this fucking thing!

(engine rumbling)

Sorry, I was saying,

maybe we'll get back together.

- (phone ringing) - We'll see.

No, no, I get it.

You have a type, and that type is busted.

Like you don't have a type.

(phone ringing)

Ban' office. Busy.

I don't even have a type.

You like rugged guys with shit for brains.

♪ Life a white buffalo ♪

♪ Standing strong in the fading light ♪

So? I used to like hot idiots.

They always got me with their bodies

and the long hair

and the bodies

and the hair.

Maybe we need something new.

Where am I gonna find someone new around here

that isn't my cousin?

They don't sell good men at the North Store.

(beeping)

I know Jo can see me, but how can I get her to

really see me, you know?

Mm! Mm! Oh, that's hot. That's too hot.

I just want Jo to see me romantically, you know?

Same! She's running out of men around here.

She's already dated any man that would bring her a fish

and I'm sitting here with one grandkid.

Like I'm barely a kookum.

The other grannies talk about me, you know.

So what do I do?

I'll tell you how to get with my daughter.

You have to be a tough guy.

Yeah, yeah. I can do that. I can be a tough guy.

I know I don't look like a tough guy,

but believe you me, there's a tough guy in here.

- You know? - (chuckling)

Ah! My mouth, my mouth!

(shouting) Why won't you cool down?!

You're listening to Laughingstick in the evening

and I'm still thinking about the moose that died funny,

and that gave me the idea for today's top five.

(eagle screeching)

Laughingstick's Top Five.

Today's list?

Top five dead things that died funny.

Number five!

That dead crow outside the Ban' office was

stuffed inside a pop bottle.

Now, that's some bad medicine right there.

Number four!

A dead muskrat under my porch.

Had a fork sticking out of it--

Fuck, that moose sounds wicked.

Yeah, man, this is so cool!

Three of us hanging out on the bus,

listening to Roger talk about a dead moose on the radio.

It's just like a dream I had.

Mn'ehh. Cover that shit up, too, putch face. It's gross.

If my face was a putch you'd just be scared right now.

I'm proud of this hickey.

It lets everyone know a lady sucked on my neck today.

Damn, I want a hickey.

Come on, guys, what am I supposed to do

with Rose tomorrow?

I promised I was going to do something big.

Dean: There's a part in Rush Hour that could help.

It was with Jackie Chan and Lucy Liu, and...

I forget what it was.

But he did something wicked to win her back.

Let's watch it, bro.

Mm, can't watch Rush Hour 1 without watching

Rush Hour 2 and 3.

Awesome!

Lucy Liu, is that Rush Hour or Shanghai Noon?

I think he's right.

You can't watch Shanghai Noon

without watching Shanghai Knights.

Are we watching three Rush Hours and two Shanghai movies?

Because that was also in my dream!

Oh yeah, dude.

It's been a while since I did a Jackie Chan Five'r.

And away we go.

Paul: Chan's deadly. I bet you he's Cree.

Brady: I have to pee.

Dean: We just started this movie. Wait an hour.

Brady: Okay, yeah. Good.

Oh, man. I can see his wire.

Dean: That's not a wire. Jackie Chan can fly, bro.

Paul: Why you shittin' on Chan?

Brady: Damn, those movies age well.

Yeah, but did watching those help?

They're more about best friends than snaggin'.

Yeah, that's true.

I feel closer to you guys already.

Wait. What time is it?

Uh...

...tomorrow.

Shit!

I still have nothing to do with Rose.

Fuck, I'm a dead man.

Come on, guys. I gotta pick her up soon!

I know. Give her a free box of chocolates when she buys coffee.

I don't work at the store, what is this?

Oh, yeah. Jo hated it too.

Fuck, I'm an idiot, I'm a fuckin' idiot.

He does this.

Oh, wait, what's that show Rose always watches?

Rintin Chips?

Rintin Chips?! It's fuckin' Restless Wind, man.

Oh, yeah. She loves that show.

I love that show.

Man, you just gotta be a rugged bush Native

like that big dick buckskin guy.

I don't have any buckskin!

Oh, wait. I know!

Take her to see that dead moose Roger keeps talking about.

Oh, the one from the radio!

Dean: Yeah. Take her on your quad.

With the wind blowing in her hair,

she'll feel like she's on the back of a horse.

Yeah, man, you standing there by that dead moose

looking all manly. I'll bet she gives you a hickey.

Okay, that's good. Really feeling that moose.

Dean: And that moose is feeling you, man.

Hey, man. I need something like that.

Something manly like that to impress Jo.

Okay, so how do you,

a buttoned-down corporate asshole,

get a cool rez chick like Jo?

What?

See, she only goes for tough Native guys

but you're a white-ass marshmallow mother fucker.

This is a toughie.

Yeah, but--

Maybe you can act like a tough white guy.

There's tons of movies with tough white guys in them.

We just gotta find the right one.

Damn that's hot!

Oh, let's start with Grease.

(whimpering)

(romantic music swelling)

♪

Rose: Oh, Paul.

Careful.

Fuckin' smells.

I know. That's part of it.

Ah!

(flies buzzing)

Cool, eh?

It's like it tried to jump between these two trees

and then it got stuck.

Look, babe. Look at its tongue.

It went "mn'ehh" right before it died.

That's fucked up, bro.

I know? And without you, Rose,

I'm kinda like this moose there.

Just all stuck, looking all fucked up and shit.

I'm really sorry that I got you all jar'd when I took off for

Winnipeg without even saying goodbye,

even though technically we weren't even together,

and even though I didn't have to,

I wanted to do something special for you,

and I know how much you like nature.

Not really.

Well, I know how much you like animals.

They're fine.

I just wanted to tell you I love you, okay?

If you actually loved me, you'd know I wouldn't want to

see a fuckin' killed moose.

I don't think you understand the metaphor here?

Did Dean put you up to this?

As if.

Jar'd me once, shame on you.

Jar'd me, twice? Fuck you, man.

No, no, no. You're right. It was all Dean's idea.

He said it would be so nature.

Can't we just go back to your place? and hang out?

No fuckin' way.

I'll find my own way back.

(cawing)

What are you doing?

I knew this could be more of your bullshit,

so I had Stephen Harper trail behind us.

(vehicle approaching)

There you are.

I heard you caw-caws.

That's fucked.

That's fucked? You took me to see a dead moose!

Is everything, okay?

If it's not I'll die.

Whatever, Stephen Harper.

Paul, I'm sorry.

I was really pulling for you.

Let's just go.

I swear I'm not trying to pull anything here.

Rose, let's just talk about this!

Yeah, let's all talk this out.

Just go.

Sorry, Paul!

As if, what do you know about apologies, Stephen Harper?

This wasn't how this was supposed to go!

Check it out, babe. Real deadly, eh?

Wow!

You know all the right things.

I love you so much.

Let me give you that hickey.

What the fuck are you looking at, bro?

Fantasy Rose: Guy's a fucking creeper.

Let's throw fucking mud at him.

Paul: I'm not a creeper!

I was day dreaming!

Get out of here you weirdo!

Yeah!

This thing is fucking fucked! Fuck this, man.

Fantasy Paul: (laughing) What a loser.

♪ You are my first love ♪

(knocking)

(knocking) Jo! It's me.

Quit it with all the knocking.

What? My toilet's backed up.

Shit, Jo, you look hot.

Oh, really?

I'm up to my elbows in the crapper.

What the hell do you want?

You hear that me and Lisa are done?

(groaning)

She got busted smuggling coke up to the rez in a meatball sub.

That woman's brain is a meatball sub.

I know.

You know, now that she's in jail

I've been thinking about you tons.

Don't you even--

What?

You cheated on me.

It was pow wow season!

Okay, what if this time I try not to?

What do you say?

What do I say?

How about that I'd like to hang you up by your hair

and speed bag your nuts until you cough up

at least one of them up?

You think you can just show up to my door,

looking all cool,

and think I'm just going to fall back in love with you?

Fuck that.

Hey, Brady.

Hey.

Don't mind Garry. He was just going to hell.

Good luck, bro.

She's on her moon.

Brady, why are you carrying a fish?

I found it. You want it?

I don't want a ditch-fish.

Yeah, totally.

So, you're just trying to attract bears now?

Everything okay?

I, um...

I burned the roof of my mouth.

First with soup and then a toaster waffle.

Well, you want some ice?

Yeah, that's what I'm here for. Yeah.

Okay.

Just hold on.

(sniffing)

Dammit.

Here.

It's all I got.

That's perfect. Cool.

No problem.

Hey, uh, if I get in trouble with my mouth again,

can I call you?

Sure. Whatever, man.

♪

(eagle screeching)

Fucking Dean. This is nothing like Restless Wind.

I just wanna go home!

I hate you so much, the sun!

Ah, fucking Stephen Harper. Fucking quad!

(howling)

(insects buzzing)

I hate you, the sun!

Roger: Under the O.

Agnes: 67, come on!

I've got a sweat here.

My baby needs a new pair of pants!

Roger: O-64. 64 was a good year.

(crying)

(grunting)

(echoing) Mama!

My baby!

♪

Aw.

Roger: Lines are open, go ahead.

Rita: No one picked me up yesterday.

Rita?

Rita: Don't got no eggs and my foot's still busted.

Nobody picked up Rita?

The lady just needs eggs.

You know, back in my day there was

a certain way we treated elders.

Am I the only one that respects them anymore?

Line 2, go ahead.

(knocking)

Dean: Why don't you go get her, bro?

Roger: Because I'm running a radio station, Dean.

Oh, Rita. Brought you some eggs.

On the house.

Sorry about your foot.

Oh. Thank you, my boy.

Oh, you look so tough.

How are you so single?

I know, right?

Have a good one.

Dean: And you're just sitting there on your flat ar--

Whoops, looks like we lost Dean.

We're having some technical difficulties here.

♪ A big wave will come ♪

♪ And wash away ♪

♪ The ancient world ♪

♪ A burning soul on turning heels ♪

♪ Nowhere to go ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We'll overcome, yeah ♪