Original subtitles

Good Shabbat.

Good Shabbat. Everybody have everybody. I love how shiny this bread is.

Challah.

Challah.

Yes.

No, no, Joanne, Joanne, Joanne, Joanne. That is where Sasha sits. You are

sitting on Noah's other side.

What am I doing with it?

Oh, thank you, m 'lady.

This thing is really strict about the seating range. You'll get used to it.

Okay.

Time to soup. Oh, yeah. I like you being at Shabbat. It's my favorite time of

the week. I still think it's great that you have dinner with your family every

Friday. Some people would say this is a lot.

Well, family's important to me. Well, family is important to me, too.

We all share a Costco card.

You in?

No phones at the table, please. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Morgan was just texting my mom happy birthday on our group chat. Group

chat? On your mother's birthday? A text?

That's it?

Well, it's Lynn's birthday.

Mother waits a whole day for the phone to ring. Day's almost over. Six o

Do you both hate your mother?

No. I would kill to just be left alone on my birthday. I didn't know. I didn't

call her.

Miscommunication. Her birthday is the 8th. Morgan thinks it's the 6th. We've

told her a billion times it just doesn't stick. Okay. Huh.

It ain't the 6th.

Correct. And her birthday is this day? The 8th. Thank God I didn't miss it.

Okay.

Okay.

What's the plan?

What are we doing?

I will call her.

Oh.

Saddest story ever told.

Can I have a pickle, please? You don't do anything together?

Nothing? Not even a cake or a candle?

Maybe a restaurant reservation.

Please, balloon bouquet or edible arrangement.

I mean, don't you have any family traditions?

Yes, we have family traditions.

We just don't do them.

Well,

when I was little, my mom used to get takeout for a birthday breakfast and

get donuts instead of a cake.

Oh, I'm sorry. That sounds hard.

No, that sounds good. Donuts are great. Okay, so let's do that.

Oh, I don't think my family's really that type. Come on, you're joining my

family for our traditions.

I want to be part of that stuff with your family, too.

Please, listen, it'll be really fun.

I'll plan the whole thing. Text at 6 o 'clock. It's okay, Dad.

Today's not our mom's birthday. Still.

We have 48 hours. Yay.

Oh, yay.

Wait, so why are you making Mom celebrate her birthday with us? She's

she's fine. I just think it would be nice to circle back to family

It's important to Mom.

Yeah, right. We both know Mom would rather do her little rituals with Goldie

where they, like, eat chocolate and mushrooms and cry outside.

Okay, fine. It means a lot to Noah, okay? It was his idea, and family

are weirdly important to him.

Okay, so you want to impress Noah by doing something we haven't done in 20

years. Of course you don't get it. Okay, I am in a mature adult partnership.

Noah and I are figuring out how to be a we, and it's like a silent negotiation.

Yeah.

Hi. Hey.

I'm working on my toast for Lynn tomorrow. How long is yours going to be,

because it's weird if mine's longer?

Um, no, we don't do toasts.

Toasts are for people who have nice things to say about each other.

Got it. Okay. Hey, here.

Can't just drink coffee all day.

Babe.

Tracking my water intake?

God, that's so sweet.

Morgan, did you hear that?

Yeah. Don't you have, like, a job to go to or something?

Yeah, things are just a little bit slow right now. People are interested in

working with Big Noah.

Knocking on my door a little bit less.

Personally, I think he peaked at his first sermon. Oh, my gosh. He actually

the cover of Jewish Journal, which, like...

You don't know. You don't even know how hard that is to get. Oh, God, Jesus. I

thought you had, like, the day off or something. I didn't realize this would

turn into such an awkward conversation.

God.

Okay, can we just talk about how all of a sudden you're a babe girl?

You guys, you haven't been deep, okay? I've never heard her call anyone babe

before. Okay, can we talk about something else?

Um, do you have anything to share, Morgan?

Nope. I guess we'll have to pivot to audience questions.

A guy ghosted me after I waited three months to have sex with him.

What do I do?

First of all, willpower.

Mind if I throw mine two cents in?

I thought you didn't want anything to do with the podcast.

Well, I don't want any stuff about me on it, but, you know, I don't mind

offering a little advice on one question.

It's what I do.

Okay, I think a male perspective would be nice. Okay, great.

First of all, on behalf of all men, sorry, ghosting is never cool.

In the Talmud, Hillel offers us the golden rule. That which is hateful to

do not do to others. Now, we hear it all the time. Treat others how you want to

be treated. But I think the reverse applies as well. How you treat others is

you treat yourself. So, if he can't be honest with you, he's not honest with

himself. You don't want this guy.

Okay, Rabbi. That was a really good answer.

Yeah, I was just going to say, like, she might be bad in bed, but... Next

question.

Okay, on to the next.

Can I go out with a guy my good friend dated but was never official with?

No. Yes. No.

I'll take this one, Joanne.

Hopefully it ended amicably between them, but because it ended, yes, you

every right to pursue a relationship. I'm so sorry. I really, really disagree.

You can't ever date the ex of a friend under any circumstance, and I'm sure

Hillel would agree. Well, what about the rules of love?

Being territorial over someone it didn't work out with isn't cool, and they have

to take a chance if they think this might be their person.

Okay, next question. Where's the last crazy place you guys had sex?

Um...

we don't do that what do you mean you don't have sex we have you don't you

what i mean okay fine lame um give me one juicy thing about your relationship

like the freakiest thing you guys have ever done we don't do anything that the

audience would find interesting oh wait that's not true oh okay tell me more

rabbi say more into the mic sorry into the mic i'm sorry sorry absolutely sorry

about let's get back to it

So the thing about Morgan is that she doesn't understand privacy based on the

fact that all her passwords are one, two, three, four, and I have a folder

of her nudes on my phone. What the fuck?

God, now I have to change all my passwords.

Don't smile.

It's not cute.

Hey, how much time do you think until Mary gets back?

42 minutes, you sick fuck. We are not going again.

No, I was just thinking, like, we can, you know.

Have some dessert. Watch something funny on TV. I love dessert. I love this

idea. What do we have?

You were... I was first.

No, I was clearly first.

Okay, we've got ice cream sandwiches.

Ice cream sandwich.

Thank you, babe.

Hello. Oh, God. Mom.

What? What are you doing here?

I thought we grabbed your key back.

Don't worry. I made a copy.

Could you excuse us for a moment, please?

Oh, you...

So great to see you too.

That's quite an outfit. Oh, it's my pleasure.

Very original.

Sweetheart.

You're both half naked.

I mean, it's like a spark has reignited in this marriage.

Yeah.

But it's not going to last.

It's not? Why?

What do you know? What I know is that you need to make the most of this

Okay, I mean, I think I am.

Have another baby.

Oh, Mom.

No.

Mary's perfect for one hit wonders.

We're not going to have another baby. Mary's amazing, but there is only one of

her. And babies, babies are a blessing.

And we need more.

And I can't rely on Noah anymore.

Who knows how long it will take him to come to his senses.

I could be dead by then.

Oh, Mom.

What? I don't want you to die.

Don't worry.

I will always be with you.

I am going to need that key back.

No.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, sweetheart.

Don't get up or help with any of this stuff. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know your

arms were broken. Good.

Hey, Henry.

Hey, Noah. Great to see you. How are you?

I'm okay. I'm okay. Thank you for asking. They actually hired a new head

at my temple, and so it's been a big change, and I'm kind of... Hey, do you

to see a picture of the new guy I'm dating?

Oh, look there.

Cute, right?

Oh, yeah. Tony.

That's one of his chihuahuas. He's got three.

Three chihuahuas. Yeah. We had a fight last night, and he still hasn't texted

me. No, Dad. We are focusing on Mom today.

Right now and for the whole rest of the day. Okay? All right. I'm serious.

I'm serious, too. Morgan is bringing Thai food. What's next?

Decorations. Decorations. Okay. Oh, happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Yay. Oh, my.

Joanne, when do you think this will wrap up so I can tell Goldie?

I don't think asking when it will end is really in the spirit of the event, Mom.

Well, you know, I firmly believe you have to spend your birthday in the

you want to manifest for the coming year. Because I need peace today. Yeah.

don't want any fighting. I don't want any fighting. No, there's no fighting.

We're all here to celebrate you, Mom. Look at all the stuff Noah brought.

And we got donuts.

And he bought a tiara, also these temporary tattoos that say Girl Power.

them on. It's very inspiring.

Girl Power. Girl Power.

Oh, my God. I always wanted a tramp stamp.

Today's the day. Girl Power. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Hi.

Hey.

This is Dr. Andy.

Who? Hi, I am Morgan's boyfriend.

Oh.

But please just call me Andy. Drop the doctor. I don't need that. Hey, Andy. I

love your pants.

I'm so sorry. I'm confused. Are you an escort or are you doing a prank?

Oh, my gosh. Well, this is Joanne. Yeah.

Has to be. That's a Joanne response.

Yeah, I know, right? She immediately just walls up. Anyway, I love it. I'm

so honored to meet all of you all. I can't wait to get to know you.

I'm going to put this down right there, I bet. Thank you, baby.

What?

Who is that? He's my boyfriend. I just told you.

Not bad.

I like him. Thank you.

I think he's sexy. What's going on?

She is fucking nuts if she thinks she's in charge of me having a whole ass baby.

Is this Handmaid's Tale?

I never saw it past season one, but I don't think it gets any better for the

gals.

I don't know. I think I hate the idea. When she first brought it up, I was

absolutely not. Right?

Now that you seem to be like, oh, it's never going to happen, I don't really

know which way I'm leaning.

No, I mean...

I just loved it when Mary was little and she'd have a little temper tantrum and

then she'd tire herself out and she'd fall asleep in my chest. I loved that.

Tosh, we are five years away from being empty nesters.

We are so close. Think about the stuff we could do.

You could finally get your ear pierced. We could take dance class. We could try

new drugs.

We could live in like a cool neighborhood instead of like right

neighborhood.

We could stay in bed.

All of Sunday, never get out of the bed. This is the stuff we never got to do

before we had Miri.

All right, rock and roll. I'll do all that stuff with you. Really?

Uh -huh.

Saj?

Except for the dancing. I'm too tall to dance.

Hey, who's this Tony guy dad keeps talking about? I mean, I didn't even

and Pat broke up. Okay, I am not fucking talking about Pat. What is happening?

How do I not know that you have a boyfriend?

Who is he?

I mean, where did he come from? How long has this been going on?

Well... I've known him for a little while, but this all is very new.

Okay, I saw you less than 24 hours ago, so... And since then, you've sent me

like a thousand text messages asking whether or not you have a mustache.

Okay, I was trying to be private while I figured out how I felt, okay? I do

understand privacy, Joanne. You call me about everything.

You call me before a date, after a date, half the time you call me when you're

on the date.

So don't act like it's normal that you bring some random guy home who I've

even heard of to Mom's birthday and say he's your boyfriend.

He is not.

Random, all right?

You're not the only one who gets to have a mature adult partnership.

A mature adult partnership? Yeah. Are we on the same planet?

You know what?

I'm gonna go help my boyfriend, Andy, set the table.

Oh, man, I'm telling you, it is just really hard dating at my age. I wish I

out earlier.

This all wouldn't just feel so new to me. Trust me, whenever you get out

it's always confusing. We all feel like we're messing up all the time, you know?

I think you're doing a great job. Really? I do. I absolutely do. I also

you need to give Tony a text.

I should text him?

Yeah, you should text him.

Become worthy of the relationship you want.

You're really good at this.

Traditionally, the tops text first.

I'm kidding. I'm not going to tell you what position I am.

I'm going to text him. Thank you. My pleasure. Thank you.

Hey. Hey.

Having fun? You know, Henry and I were bonding.

I think I said something that maybe landed with him. Great. Well, if you

letting him talk about himself, you'll become his favorite person.

Hey, can you go get to know Morgan's boyfriend, you know? And do not come

with just, he's from Ohio. I need details.

Girl power.

Girl power, thank you.

Oh, hey, Mom, will you help me find the fun plates in the sauna?

I love the fun plates, okay?

We're pulling them out? Yeah.

I think they're by the snowman.

Let me look.

I can't believe we're pulling them out. It's here.

No, what's here? Stop looking for the fun place. Mom, I don't care about the

place, okay? I don't know. Stop, stop. You told me you wanted the fun place.

Did you know about Dr. Andy? He's so annoying.

Like, is he even really a real doctor?

He's giving more life coach vibes.

Well, she might have mentioned it. I'm not sure.

I can never keep up with your sister. One day she's converting. The next day

she's not converting. Mom, that was me.

Both my girls are wild cards. And you know, I'm not worried about Morgan's

I have strong intuition.

I like him.

You're wrong. Something's off. It feels weird. Otherwise, why would she have

kept this from me for even a second? We tell each other everything. It's like,

what if he's got her in some Ponzi scheme?

Or a pyramid scheme.

Remember when she lost all her money to that guy who said he was going to

reinvent the hot dog for millennials, and she kept saying, it's a hot dog for

us. Maybe he's just married.

No, Morgan's told me about plenty of married men. That can't be it. Are you

talking about me and Tony?

No, honey.

And here's some delicious rice.

Oh, baby, can you pour me some water so I don't get dehydrated?

Of course, principessa.

Thank you. Of course. Come here.

I'm here.

Beautiful. So cute.

So how'd you two meet? What's your story? Give me every little detail.

Okay. Well.

You go. Okay. We met in therapy.

Group therapy.

Well, no, not group therapy.

But that's cool. Keep guessing.

The waiting room.

No, getting warmer, though. Yeah.

All right, let me think here.

The parking lot. No, no, wait.

The elevator from the parking lot. You met in the elevator. I'm Morgan's

therapist.

Oh.

I wasn't warm at all.

I mean, he's not my therapist anymore. No, of course, of course.

Yeah, we had our closeout session last week. Of course. Really intense. He

cried. No, I didn't cry. I wept. You did.

And you make... It's like a Hallmark movie where two people pretend to be a

couple for a big family gathering. I love that movie.

Melissa Joan Hart. People say I look like her.

What?

I can... Hello.

Oh, hi. Hey, guys.

Was just chatting with Morgan and Dr. Andy.

I knew it. He's not a real doctor. I couldn't imagine letting that guy

on me. He's probably a chiropractor. He's a therapist.

What? Yep. Yep. Yep. Dr. Andy is Morgan's therapist.

I kissed my therapist once, but he said it was a trust exercise.

Your responses are alarming. I have to say, this is a very concerning

Thank you. Someone finally normal. Thank you. Are couples therapists?

Yeah. Oh, my God.

Where is everybody?

Wow. Did anyone notice a brainwash -y energy? I'd love to be brainwashed.

What the hell? Are you guys just sitting out here talking shit about me? He's

your therapist. How do you expect us to react?

I mean... Here we go again.

Oh, right. And you pick such perfect relationships too, Joanne, right? Look

Noah. You're a fucking loser, jobless, almost homeless, ripped your boyfriend.

You know what? Fuck you, bitch.

Oh, Tony texted me back. Thank you, Noah.

You know what?

Do not compare my relationship to your mental breakdown.

Right, yeah, because you're doing so great.

Pretending to care about some tradition that none of us want to be at because

you need to prove something to your boyfriend.

No, I don't. And I did tell you my therapist was in love with me many

I supposed to believe everything you say? According to you, you could have

Meghan Markle. I said I saw Prince Harry at a bar and there was a vibe, okay?

And there was a vibe.

You know, why do you think I waited to tell you I fell for Andy, okay? Because

knew that you would be judgmental about how we met.

Not that you've even noticed what's going on with me because you're too

up in your own relationship. You know what?

You'll suck.

Come on, we're going.

And by the way, this is the first man I've brought home since my divorce, and

none of you have even tried to get to know him. Well, I did.

Bullshit. I guess we're still adjusting to the very jarring fact that you two

are breaking the law by dating.

Andy knows all of my trauma and all of my baggage, and he accepts me for it.

by the way, you guys are where I got all my trauma and baggage, so... Oh, this

isn't the energy I want for the rest of my years. Okay, I'm so done with all of

you. You know, none of you support me. Not one.

I know our relationship started out in an unorthodox way.

It's not perfect, but we're really happy.

Okay. Will you come lay with me?

With your mom in her bed?

She's pretty locked into her movie.

Okay.

But no funny business.

So why is that?

Do you think I'm judgmental?

I mean, I think you're very passionate, and I think...

Sometimes you jump to extremes and commit really hard.

I never did that.

Give me one example when I did that. I mean, you call our sex life

on your podcast.

Oh, wow, you really had that loaded and ready to go?

Okay. You told me not to say anything personal about us, so that was me

it. I know. I know you're just trying to respect my request.

Well... Off the record, obviously.

I know we do some pretty interesting stuff. Oh, obvi. Just, you know, let

everyone else know.

Can I give you some advice?

Are you my rabbi now? No, just your boyfriend.

I think you should support Morgan.

I can't.

I can't support her with an unethical therapist.

I'm not saying to support the relationship. I just think you should

You know?

I mean, it makes a lot of sense why she was scared to tell you.

She really cares what you think.

Even though I know she swears she doesn't.

I guess that's true.

Damn.

You are really good at helping people.

Thank you.

I miss it.

I miss being needed by my community.

Sounds like you need a rabbi, rabbi.

I'm sorry you don't get to do the job you always dreamed of. I still will.

I'm sorry I pushed you all to celebrate my way.

I think I've just been channeling my energies into the wrong places.

I did have fun with your family, though.

And I'll deny it, but I really loved being the one to tell you all he's your

therapist.

No, rock love.

You're a gossip.

That's against Jewish rules. You told me that when we met.

Babe, you remember my first Judaism lesson.

I really love you.

I love you.

What a special moment for the three of us to share.

Of the energy I want to manifest.

Me too, Lynn.

Hi.

Oh, great. Thanks for ordering a new one.

Andy suggested we talk, so I'll go first.

Why does this bother you so much? Because he's your therapist. Okay,

knows every single thing about me, and he still loves me. I want my, you know,

fairy tale, too.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I get it. I will try and do my best to give him a chance.

Thank you.

Today I'll be discussing Parshat Beshalach.

Now, after the Jews' departure from Egypt...

They had their freedom, but they had no food and no shelter.

They wandered through the wilderness without knowing what would happen next.

Rabbi Rockland at my house. Hey, what's all this? Have a seat.

Yeah, I was just in the pool. I was practicing for my stupid lesson.

The wife and I are getting certified.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. So you're enjoying it.

Retirement. Yeah, and you know, the part of your life you didn't plan for.

I'd say I'm asking for a friend, but I think we both know that's not true.

And that's the point of faith, right?

It doesn't exist in the plans we make.

It exists in the unknown.

Otherwise, tough decisions would be easy. There'd be no risk.

All right, now that's a cute baby.

Now, the moment after you take a leap of faith, that's the scariest time.

You know what? Fuck it. Let's do it. What?

Let's have another baby.

She's not that cute.

Because you can't go back.

You don't know if it'll work out.

I've been freaking the fuck out about not working.

Avoided it for years.

Turns out, I feel my most free when I'm in the water.

Never could have planned for that.

But if you don't risk...

you might not experience life.

You might never learn if that person is right for you or if you love to

swim.

Here's what I do know.

Over these last few days, I've been reminded that there are people who need

what I have to give.

This new guy is a great rabbi because we know what we're getting.

You are a great rabbi because you think outside the box. So trust yourself.

Figure it out.

Now, this congregation has begun its next chapter.

And it's not what I had planned.

So now I need to find my next chapter too.

It's been an honor. It's been a privilege getting to know you.

I love you all.

And I plan to see you many more times throughout the years.

It's time for me to wander through the wilderness.

Oh, my God.

This will be my final sermon at Temple High.

My dirty secret in an old coat pocket My dirty laundry underneath

your bed I had a dream of edgy in my kitchen And

now you're in my head You're living in my head

A palomino and a middle index.

I wasn't wild, but I could have been.

I like the way you answer all my questions.

Can I see you again?

Can I see you again?

If I want to.

If I have you on my mind.

If I'm patient.

if it's complicated then it's complicated