Original subtitles

I give you the inaugural poster for Ponty Partners.

Jesus, Stella, is she... is she his?

Ken, I'm a bastard child.

The results came.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Morning.

♪ I recall

♪ A time when you and I would talk a little more

♪ To each other face to face...

♪ When I knew there'd always be an open door

♪ If only...

♪ But I know... ♪

DOOR SQUEAKS

Hey, shine and rise, my friend.

One premium in the room breakfast for our longest-staying guest ever.

I've only been here four days.

- Did I even order this? - No, I'm doing a soft launch.

£20 in the big hotels.

To you, a mere ten.

Traditional English breakfast.

I spent £50 on a vacuum packer, non-refundable.

Jag, I'm going be checking out tomorrow.

You and Stella are back together, I'm so happy.

No, I've decided to take up the job offer in Dubai.

I just haven't told Stella yet, so please keep it to yourself, yeah?

Yes.

That is very sad, my friend.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

See, it's all in the knee.

I thought you said it was in the foot.

Yeah, well, the foot and the knee.

The whole leg, like. Morning, boys.

- Morning. - Hiya.

Is everything all right, Stell?

Yeah. Slept right through, didn't you, beaut?

No, I meant under the circumstances with you know who.

Michael.

- Oooh! - You are allowed to say his name, Bobs.

And I'm fine, OK?

Now, who fancies pancakes for breakfast?

- Never had them. - You will now.

I will do a batch of six, no, 10.

You can't hide this from me, you know.

With the pancakes and your overcompensating.

I can spot a broken heart from 150 paces.

Oh, Nadine. Hiya.

All right, calm down. Nadine, calm down.

What's happened?

There've been a defacement.

- I look quite cool. - Bully for you, I don't.

Now, quick, fix it all up.

I knew it was a mistake.

We need to be online, not on pub walls and what have you.

Hang on, I thought you said face to face was best,

didn't want to go online, didn't want to do an app.

Yeah, well a girl can change her mind, can't she?

- Kids, I suspect. - Yeah, little gits.

Ken told me all about your trial at that fancy restaurant, darling,

- any news? - He wasn't supposed to tell no-one.

Don't worry, your secret's safe with - me. - I'm not even listening.

Well, I've had no news yet but it went brilliant, it did.

Aw! Sausage in a basket by all accounts.

Punters round here will eat anything, even the scrapings off the abattoir floor.

You're right, this town's full of mindless scrum!

Come on.

I'll sort that for you now.

Hiya.

Beyonce, it's not visiting hours yet.

- All right? - I haven't come visiting, no offence, Mrs M.

They've got pips in by the way, so watch your dentures.

It's you I wanted to see.

- Me? - Mind Jackson for me a minute, Mrs M.

Look, Stell, cards on the table. Keckers is a knob, right?

He was OK for a while, but now I'm up to here in knob.

Plus, he's been banging Claire Price, and she's like a two.

Long and short of it is,

can I stay with you for a bit?

- No. - I knew you wouldn't say no!

I just said no.

Oh, come on, man, Stell, I've got nowhere else to go!

And think about little Jackson, it's good for him to be with his dad,

- isn't it? - Yeah, well, the thing is, Michael...

It'll be like one of them Mormon families, two wives and shit.

Though we won't both have sex with Mike, obviously.

You can if you want.

I'm not keen on the beard.

Catch you later, roomie!

You're going to tell her you know, - then? - Oh, yeah, that'll go down well.

Happy 100th birthday, Mam,

and by the way we were thinking of doing you a family tree,

but we found out I'm a bastard child in the process!

Well, you wouldn't put it like that... I'm not putting it like anything,

I'm keeping schtum until we've had this damn party!

I'm not going to no party!

Good game with Flossie?

Slammed her, and she's only a kid.

83 if she's a day.

Look, Mam, the party is all planned for tomorrow.

Well, YOU can go yourself.

Betty Jean Prothero to do some Zumba in the afternoon,

and I refuse to miss the class!

You can't pick Zumba over your centenary party, Mam!

I already have!

BJ's always going on about how healthy she is for her age.

Shoving our faces in it, swanking around with her Fitbit!

Maybe we should call it off.

You're joking? I've invited Wales Online, the WI and the Rotary.

There's no way on God's green Earth I'm having that lot say the former

Mayor of Pontyberry never done a full buffet for her mother's 100th!

Including two types of quiche!

And a prawn ring.

Right, come on then, there is something we've got to do.

She's your great-gran Luke, you should know what she'd like for her birthday.

All right, all right, what are the options so far?

A makeover at Kelly-Sue's, she'd do a Kim Kardashian look that might suit Olwen.

Can't believe you just said Olwen and Kim Kardashian in the same sentence.

Yeah.

Or we could get her a voucher?

For her 100th birthday?

- It's a bit boring, isn't it? - Are you even going to come shopping with me?

My dad's having the kids.

I've got a GA meeting, babe.

It's probably best I don't miss it with all that cash sat in the bank.

I'm so glad Stella said yes in the end, to the money, like.

Oh, it'd have been a bit harsh if she hadn't,

it's Holly's inheritance after all.

It's still weird for Michael, I suppose.

Hey, how about a push-up bra from Agent Provocateur?

They do say you sag a bit when you get older.

Too much information!

Or maybe a pair of matching cami knickers!

- La-la-la-la! - Go on then.

Olwen. What am I doing?

Well, you haven't hit Mary yet, so you aren't too bad, love.

What are you two doing back here?

Me and Bren have got a surprise for you, like.

A bit of an early birthday present.

Oh, well, I be jiggered!

They count all your steps they do, ma'am.

I know what a Fitbit'll do, Ken!

Do you like it then?

Like it? I blinking love it!

I'm glad it's what you wanted.

Just a shame you won't be coming to the party tomorrow to receive it!

You're a cunning woman, Brenda Tatiana Patrice.

Take after my mother's side.

There's me, I always thought I took after my father's side.

Brenda!

Ta for having us, Stell, you're a life-saver!

I still don't understand why you can't go to your Nanna Pat's or your mam's.

We've fallen out big time, all three of us, about a microwave.

Yeah, well it's only temporary, Beyonce.

Like a night or two.

- Or three. - Hiya.

Good day in school, Bill?

- What's she doing here? - I'm your new housemate, babe.

Temporary housemate.

A couple of nights, that's all.

Yeah, a week tops.

What time's Mike coming?

Yeah, well that's what I was trying to tell you earlier.

Michael's not living here at the moment.

- He dumped you? - No.

- You dumped him. - No.

Oh my God, did he cheat again?

He just can't keep it in his pants, can he? He's worse than Kecks.

Oh, shut up, man. It's nothing like that.

They're all the same, Stell, pigs and dogs.

You just can't trust a bloke.

I'd go lesbo if I looked good in denim.

Can we not talk about this now, please?

Course, understood.

Where am I sleeping, then? Can I have his room, because he ain't here much longer, is he?

No you bloody can't, you're on the settee, OK?

Or you can have Banjo's bed.

The thing is, I've been trying to make light of it lately, just to,

you know,

normalise the fact that I'm a gambler with a lot of cash in the bank.

Don't get me wrong, I've been pretty sensible by my standards.

Like, I've given a chunk of it away to my mum and baby sister,

and we're buying the house we were renting.

But there's still this 50k,

just sitting there,

calling to me, and it's hard.

60, 80, and that's 100.

Enjoy, fella.

Thanks, mate.

Hey Mike, donkey and me are thinking of signing up to Ponty Partners.

Right.

Because life do go on, don't it?

It's only me, Stell.

Hiya, Banj.

What are you doing here? I could ask the same of you.

I'm living here now, if you must know.

- Living here? - Us single-parent families got to stick together.

- Where's Jackson? - Having a kip.

- Stella? - Out getting a pressie for old Olwen.

Right. I need to collect some stuff from upstairs.

I'm not sure that's a good idea, Mike.

What with you and Stella being rumpus interruptus and all that,

she probably wouldn't want you in the house.

A, that's not a real term, and B, I haven't done anything wrong,

so there's no reason I shouldn't be allowed into my own home. Oh, that's what they all say.

It wasn't me, I didn't do it, it fell in.

Control, Shift, Alt, and double-click the ampersand key.

I started building an app for the pub last year,

so that punters could order their beers from the table,

and then I realised that was just table service.

So you know how all this works?

What a hampersand is, and stuff?

Oh, yes, it's pretty simple really.

I'd be glad to help, if you like?

No, we're all right... Yeah...

Are you mental? He done an amazing job on that photo of us.

Really brought out the sensual woman in me, didn't you, Jack?

Look, I admit it was nice to have a bit of help when we were at the

teething stage, but now it's time we paddled our own dinghy.

It is our company, after all.

So, let's pick up our hamperstands, and try again.

Sorry if I was a bit on the harsh side earlier, Mike.

Can't have been a bed of roses, dating someone like Stell.

Old women need a lot of upkeep, don't they?

Stella is not old, and we were not dating, she was...

is, my wife, and I love her very much.

Do you want to cry, Mike?

Go on, cry, there's no shame in it.

Unless you're doing it in public, like, which is well lame.

You need a tequila.

- Michael. - Hi.

Hey, Billy. All right?

Are you stopping?

Do you want something to drink?

No, I just came to pick up a few things.

For Dubai.

- What? - He's decided to go, he has, Stell.

I'll be upstairs.

Actually, can we talk about this in private? Do you mind, Beyonce?

No, it's fine. And you're going for the six months, are you?

He needs the key, he does Stell,

for that front compartment thing on the suitcase.

Oh, right.

Yeah, but there's no rush...

Hey, Mike, I know you and Stell are done now,

but me and Jacks can still come Dubai, can't we?

Beyonce, now is really not the time. Because I've ordered a burqa-hini.

- There you go. - Right. It

feels like there might still be something in here, from previous...

I always find leftover suncream in mine.

And lube.

Oi-oi, got something to tell us Mike?

They're from Bali.

Our honeymoon.

Awkward!

Right, I'm going to get going.

Yeah.

- So when's your flight? - Monday night.

Blimey, OK.

So do you reckon you'll make it to my Nanna's party?

Let's see how I get on, I've got a lot to sort out beforehand, so...

That's code for "I won't come, because it will be well cringe".

Shut up, Beyonce.

Right, well...

See you.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, I hate him Stell, do you?

What do you think you're doing, Glen Brennig?

Just taking some for donkey, I am.

One apiece,

livestock excluded.

Come in, come in.

Let's get this party started.

Buffet's over there, drinks are at the bar.

- Hiya, Ken! - Hiya!

Sorry we're late, I had to take Jen to my Auntie Anne's.

Where do we put the pressies?

- By here. - That's a voucher it is, one month's free trial, Ponty Partners.

She'll have the pick of the crop, she will.

There's only one other the woman in her age range on the books,

and she's on a drip 27/7.

Happy birthday!

Oh, Ken.

I thought I told you to keep it under wraps.

My trial at the restaurant, like? You told Bobby.

Bugger! I've got a head like a sieve, me!

Well don't be worried, kid, I won't breathe a word to no one else from

now on about you trying out for a fancy new job.

What fancy new job?

Oh, there's Stell, excuse me!

- All right, Dad? - Hey, love.

- Hiya, Billy. - Hiya.

How's my beautiful girls?

We're OK. She got hiccups, she have.

Oh, look at the birthday queen.

Excuse me.

That's disgusting, that is.

Counting her bloody steps. Been like that for the last half-hour!

Happy birthday, Nanna Kosh!

Thanks, Stell. 327!

I don't suppose Michael's here, is he?

I saw him earlier, just come back from Cardiff.

He'll be down now in a bit.

He's going Monday, Dad, to Dubai.

Yeah, he did mention it, kid.

Look, love. Whatever's gone on with you two, it's your business.

All I know is you make each other very happy.

Not at the moment we don't.

So you and that Michael Jackson are separating, then.

Oh, for God's sake.

And I was told that he's running off on Monday, down Abu Dhabi!

Dubai it is, Bren.

That does may be, but he could still have the decency to show his face at

the 100th birthday of his wife's grandmother!

The cowing Queen has shown more interest than him!

At least she sent a telegram, well, letter, like.

Right, I'm going to put Holly down.

Come on, Billy.

I didn't realise you felt like this.

So, do you have a new job or not?

It's looking pretty likely.

Maybe Yanto could take over?

- I don't know. - I'd be well up for that.

Yeah, I mean he seems to have won round all the customers with his - basket range. - Yeah.

Got big plans, too.

There's nothing you can't have in a basket.

Except soup, maybe.

It's got built-in Wi-Fi and radio, and heat and massage modes.

I love it. Feels like heaven wrapped round my neck.

Far more age-appropriate than that bloody gestapo band our Brenda got me.

Feel like I'm being punished.

I'm 100, for Pete's sake.

Haven't I walked enough?

That's it, me and her, we're finished.

- Kaputo. - She wasn't being ungrateful, Bren.

Like you said, she was the one who wanted a Fitbit.

Look what Olwen just gave me!

Right.

That is it!

You think that's funny, do you?

Giving something away that I spent good money on?

Give over. I couldn't get past 400 steps, it's obviously not working.

I'll tell you what's not working,

the fact that I had to bribe my own mother to come to a party that I'd

sweated blood organising for her.

You know what else?

Instead of being happy for you today, all I can think is,

how did she get to 100 and never find the time to tell me that

my father was not the man I thought he was?

Oh, yes, me and Ken have been in your tin, see,

and I want answers.

Who is he, Mam? Who is my real father?

I... I...Auntie Brenda, please, this isn't the time or the place.

Keep out of this, Stella.

It's Nanna Kosh's birthday, you need to calm down.

And you need to mind your own business!

Stella?

Like telling Mr La-di-da Jackson over there that he's an hour bloody late for my mother's party.

Actually, I...No, it's all right, Michael, you don't need to explain yourself.

Look, I know you're upset,

but you can't go taking it out on innocent people like Michael.

Innocent?

Him?! Fitting us in before he has to go gallivanting off up the Middle

East without his wife and child?

You don't know what you're talking about.

- Stel, it's fine. - You must be tapped in the head, still defending him

after he walked out on his second wife and kid in just

as many years. That's not what happened.

Yes, well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

Actually, for your information, we split up because of me.

Stella, don't do this, please.

That's right, take the blame, like the feeble little woman you are.

We split up because Holly's not Michael's baby, OK?

She's Rob's.

Hello, sorry to interrupt, but I think Olwen might be dead.

SHOUTING ON TV

She had a good innings, mind, fair play.

Funny expression, that.

She hated cricket.

Just glad I wasn't in Tenerife when it all happened.

I was on a hen weekend to Minehead when old Beryl died.

Took us all by surprise it did, too, totally unexpected.

That is sad.

Me and my mam had to catch a train back in full costume.

Slutty nuns, we was.

My mam cried into her fishnets all the way home.

Was old Beryl your Nanna then, kid?

Don't be thick, she was my gerbil.

Keep an eye on Jackson for me, will you, Ken?

I'm out of fags, I am.

She's a bloody card.

That's one word for her. I can think of several others.

Listen, I'm sorry I shouted My mouth off yesterday.

Auntie Brenda wound me up, she did.

Not your fault, kid.

Emotions were running high,

and it's hit her for six finding this out about her dad.

Well, now the whole village knows her business.

- And mine, as well. - What's new?

All right?

Yeah.

It's awful sad, isn't it?

She only wore this the once.

She liked it, though, didn't she?

Yeah.

Look, you don't have to take it back today, Zo, it's Sunday after all.

I know. I fancied getting out of the house, to be honest,

do a couple of hours shopping in Cardiff.

Besides, this was 50 quid and I'm not going to start being wasteful

just because we've got money in the bank.

You saying I'm wasteful?

Don't be daft.

Sorry. Touchy subject.

You just lost your great Nanna, Luke, that's why you're touchy.

You might not have been all that close but she was still family.

Come here, I need some love.

The family have picked one reading and they've asked if you could pick

another, if you had a nice passage, something to read in the service,

it doesn't really matter what it is...

Excuse me, your grace, but I just need a word with Bobs here.

I'm actually quite busy at the moment, Nadine.

We were supposed to be meeting this morning to have a pop at that app

thing again. Where were you?

Organising Olwen's funeral, funnily enough,

what with me being a funeral - director and all. - I'm sorry, Bobs,

but we've got clients gagging to get at one another,

in the digitalistic sense. We've got to get this pony saddled up.

Well, you'll have to get the saddle out yourself, because I am up to my eyes.

- You're joking? - No!

Auntie Brenda booked the express service because Ken's back down Tenerife any minute.

That gives me less than 24 hours to get Olwen Kosh crated,

cremmed and consecrated.

I can't believe this.

What kind of partner in Ponty Partners are you?

The really busy kind!

Just keep me on speed dial for any major decisions and get the heck on

with it!

Sorry about that.

Hiya, Jag, it's me, Nadine. Is that offer of help still on the table?

You look as miserable as I feel.

- Have a seat. - Cheers.

Bit of a showdown yesterday, wasn't it?

Just a bit, yeah. Good old Pontyberry, eh?

And poor Olwen.

Yeah. She'd done well though, fair play.

Come on, why are you miserable?

I don't know. Stupid, isn't it?

Got a beautiful wife, lovely kids, nice house, money in the bank.

Now you're making me depressed.

- It's the money bit. - Not enough?

Too much. I just...

I just can't deal with the responsibility, you know?

What was my dad thinking of, giving a gambler half a million quid?

He may as well have given me a rope.

You haven't been gambling again, have you?

In that case, there's only one thing to do. Get rid of it.

- What? - Don't worry, I'm not suggesting handing it over to

the local ferret sanctuary, just transfer the cash to someone you trust, your mum or Zoe,

someone who won't let you fritter it away.

That's actually a brilliant idea.

Well, I am a certified genius in everything that isn't related

directly to my own life.

Look, I know it's not my place to say, like,

but I don't think you should go to Dubai.

I can't stay here, Luke.

It's all too sad.

The thing is, right, you might not be Holly's biological father,

but you're her dad in every other way.

Look at me and my kids - Jack's my stepson, really,

but I think of him as mine. God,

I think of you as my dad sometimes and I only met you a couple of years ago.

Morning.

- All right, Mam. - Stella.

You two look as thick as thieves.

- Can I get you a drink? - No, thanks.

I was wondering if you fancied a little walk, Michael?

Excuse me, how much is the bangle, the panther one?

Ah, exquisite, isn't it?

- 1,500. - Wow.

Try it on.

OK.

- Calligarini. - Nice to meet you, I'm Zoe.

No, I was talking about your necklace.

It's a Calligarini, right?

Oh, this? Maybe, I don't know.

It was pretty pricey, like, I just loved the shape and all the colours.

Well, you have very good taste.

Looks good on you. I'm Bebe.

I think you might like this.

Very bracing, isn't it?

Life, or the view?

Both.

Luke doesn't think I should go to Dubai.

He's very sensible, my son.

- I happen to agree with him. - Oh, Stella, what's the point in me staying?

What sort of life is it, me living in a pub whilst you live in the

house... So come home then, stop living in a pub.

No-one's making you.

Tell me where it happened, where you had sex with him.

- Oh, Michael. - Where?

The dunes, OK?

Bennett Sands.

God, it sounds so sordid.

- That's because it is. - Yeah, well don't ask, then.

Knowing stuff like that's not going to help.

No, you're right, nothing's going to help,

because I'll never get it out of my head, you and him.

It's... I hate it, Stella.

Why did you fucking do it?

Because, in that moment,

at the time, I wanted to.

It wasn't long since everything with Beyonce and I was feeling...

Well, I wasn't feeling great about myself.

What, and having sex with your ex-boyfriend made you feel better?

Nice.

I was so happy when you told me you were pregnant.

So happy.

I hate that you've destroyed it.

Look, all this you're saying, you're right, OK, and it's a mess.

I just don't think you leaving and living on the other side of the

world for six months is going to...

It's going to make things worse.

Every day that goes by, we're going to grow more and more apart.

At least if you stay here, and I'm not saying you have to move back in,

but at least if you stay...

we've got a chance, Michael.

A tiny little chance of mending it.

No, I'm sorry, Stella.

It's over.

Now, that's my kind of thing, quirky but timeless, you know?

Oh, and that.

Come on, then.

Which would you say has the edge, price-wise?

Correct. Seb, can you bring those new pieces?

- How about these? - Easy, the necklace.

It's stunning.

Should be, for 900 quid.

- What?! - Oh, God, that's peanuts.

I tell you what, if you can spare an hour or two...

...I can show you some seriously expensive bling.

Now, how about a slogan?

Just a few words that really sell the company,

perhaps even incorporating the name of the business.

Hm... You can't do much - with Ponty Partners, can you? - Hm.

Find your prince at Ponty Partners?

And princess, like, for the blokes.

How about something a little more playful?

Ponty Partners, love for starters.

Ooh! Nice!

What's for the main course, then?

Oh!

Find love as wide as the mountain.

And as deep as the valley with Ponty Partners.

THEY LAUGH

- Perfect. - Right.

Sold to Mrs Wood of Llandaff.

I've never been to an auction before.

Unless you count the rugby club,

but the only thing to bid on there is dinner for two.

Next up, ladies and gentlemen, lot number 296.

A beautiful Parisien 18 carat diamond and pearl necklace

with matching earrings. Now, who will start the bidding at 2,000?

2,000 to start the bidding, thank you.

2,000. Wanting 2,250.

Is the big price tag because of the diamonds, like, or cos it's old?

A bit of both, to be honest.

A good investment piece needs the right stones and the right provenance.

Have 2,250, looking for 2,500.

- Thank you. - You ain't seriously going to buy it?

Thank you, sir. I have 2.6.

Who will give me 2.7?

Thank you, madam. Any more?

No?

Going once, going twice...

Sold to Bebe Cox in the middle for £2,700.

Relax, I'll sell that for an extra thousand, no problem.

Not bad for three minutes' work.

Here is your receipt. And your taxi's on its way.

- Thanks. - Good luck, my friend.

I wish things were different for you.

And I do, too.

And if it's any consolation, Michael Jackson,

I do think what Stella Morris have done to you is disgusting.

Funnily enough, Nadine, no, it's no consolation whatsoever.

Bye, Jag.

Charming. Here you are, babes.

Have your snack.

'Hello?'Oh, did the app design come through?

Oh, I'd hardly call it a design, Nadine.

It's more of a mishmash.

Go on, then.

Yeah, we need to pop her just down here, lads, OK, please?

Jag and me have been working on that all night, actually.

Yeah, well, that's not my fault! I told you not to drag him into it!

Easy, easy, easy.

There we are, and stick the photo on top, OK?

And I'm sorry, but are you seriously suggesting Helvetica font for a

dating app? You need a Brush Script in there or at least a Comic Sans.

Careful with those flowers now, Len.

We're selling romance, Nadine, OK?

Not insurance.

Yeah, well, if I wasn't making the decisions of two people,

I might have had time to fanny about with the fonts.

Oh, and I'm not too sure about them colours, neither.

I mean, what do pink and blue say to you?

Men and women? Exactly, it's very 2005, Nadine.

What about your men and men?

Hm? Your women and women?

Hm? Your bis, your transgenders, your nonbinary?

We're after a rapid burn on this one, Len, OK?

I want the ash of Olwen Kosh in the urn by three.

Oh, look, you're wearing me out, to be honest.

OK, just do what you need to do.

You're running me dry.

So you're happy for us to go live?

Yes, yes, yes, just get on with the bloody thing.

It's not that I don't want the job at the new place,

it's just that I feel my mission to raise the culinary standards

of Pontyberry is not yet complete.

You didn't get it, did you? The restaurant job?

No. It's all right if I stay, though, isn't it?

I'm afraid not, Little Alan.

I have already offered the position to Yanto.

It was your suggestion, after all.

And I am a man of honour.

- You what? - We got the go-ahead from Bobs.

Marvellous.

Whoopie-doobie-doo.

Here goes.

Three, two, one...

- We have liftoff! - We're live!

Sad old day, Stell?

Yeah.

Me and Donkey aren't coming to the service.

Can't be doing with God.

But we'll see you later at the wake, is it?

Auntie Brenda have done another prawn ring by all accounts.

There you go, Mam.

Now, that is cocking genius.

Aye, classy, fair play.

Nothing to say death like a prawn ring.

Drink up, Bobs, we've got something to celebrate.

Oh...

Not Olwen dying, vicar.

I'd never celebrate anyone dying.

Except maybe one of them terrorists.

Oh, and Mandy Newman.

She done the dirty on me and Carl when we was courting

and I have never once darkened the door of her flowers and fancies gift shop.

Unless there was a sale on, obviously.

What are you blathering on about, woman?

57 hits and counting on the Ponty Partners mobile app.

- Never! - Cheers, Bobs.

Whoohoo!

Gone forever, just like that.

Oh, she's in a better place now, Auntie Bren.

I'm not on about your grandmother,

I'm on about me finding out who my real father is.

I can say bye to that now!

It's mega-rough, that is.

It certainly is.

And, of course, it's not very nice to think that she was having fun

elsewhere. I'm not saying she was loose, God forbid.

She was just a bit like Stell, that's all.

- What? - Not afraid to spread it around.

Though I'm assuming there was only the two blokes Mam had,

unlike your good self.

What are you on now? Three, four?

It's more like five.

Amateur.

You know that Bebe woman I met down Cardiff yesterday?

What, the one I reckoned was a lesbian

and wanted to get in your pants but then she took you to an auction?

Shut up, idiot.

Well, the thing is, it got me thinking.

Maybe we could invest some of our cash into art or jewellery.

Jewellery? Have you gone completely mad?

No, Bibi bought this brooch for £2,700, right?

And she's selling it for, like, three and a half grand in her shop.

Well, we could do that.

Better than putting it in some crappy 0% savings account.

Hm.

She said she'd help me sell some stuff.

If I wanted to try it out, like.

- You sure she's not a lesbian? - Oh!

Babe... there's something I need you to do for me.

Go on?

It's my winnings from the bookies.

- What? - It was only the one time, but it's one time too many.

Luke, I don't get it.

I want you to look after all the money, Zoe.

Put it in your account.

It's 50K there now after Holly's share and buying the house.

And I just don't trust myself.

Right, homework, please.

Aw, do I have to?

Shut up. Stell, tell me when you're doing food.

Yes, master.

I am cream knackered. Shall I do you some milk, sweetheart?

Oh, no, thanks, but have you got any pop?

'Set to receive a pay rise...'

No. No.

No.

Oh, Beyonce?

You're on Channel 374, there's obviously nothing on.

Oh, I don't know, there's usually some good stuff from 600 onwards.

Mostly porn, like.

DOORBELL

Oh, that'll be Keckers for me.

Tell him to do one, Stell.

Oh, my god.

I can't do it.

What?

I can't go to Dubai.

I've told him.

Well, what did he say?

He fired me.

Look, what are we doing talking out here?

Come in, come in.

No, I'm not... Just hear me out, Stella.

Oh, Jesus, he ain't back already?

Just go away, Beyonce.

But I'm up to channel 900 now.

Just go away.

All right. All right!

I thought I could just leave,

just draw a line under it all and start again.

But I can't.

I've been with Holly from the moment she was born and I can't undo all that, Stella. She's my little girl.

And I love her.

Regardless of blood tests in biology and, well, all of that.

What Luke said is true, I can't just stop being a dad to her.

You just don't want to be a husband to me.

Well, yes.

No.

I don't know.

I've proper messed things up for us, haven't I, Michael?

Maybe, yeah.

Jag's kept my room at the pub.

Sweetheart... Just stay tonight.

No, I have to... Let me get my head straight, please.

Olwen, if you are with us, just knock three times.

It's Michael. He's signed up to the dating agency.

She told one of them who your dad is, and he's still alive!

Are you all right? No, Mam, I'm in prison.

What?

Recognise this fella?

Er... No.