Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Nadine!

You have a heart attack and you didn't think to tell me?

I should've told you - I just couldn't find the right time.

I just can't imagine you not being here, that's all.

Like I said, you'll get what's fair, but I'm no pushover.

Haven't always been the case, though, have it, Mike?

You have both of the fires. What are you talking about, Mother?

That this home will see the dawn of two marriages.

You actually look like you know what you're doing.

Oh, God! Don't be creeping up on people like that, weirdo!

Sorry. I brought strawberries.

I'll put the kettle on.

This is nice. Yeah, Michael's little sanctuary.

He is very territorial over it.

I can imagine.

Tea or coffee?

Surprise me.

I'm glad you came over, actually, cos I wanted to... No.

You don't know what I was going to say yet.

You're going to say that you are going over

to see Luke later to talk to him again.

Just give him some space.

Look, the other night he was in shock,

but if I go around there today... You'll end up making it worse -

at least I think you will.

What did Michael say?

Not much.

He was on the first train this morning,

but I think he agreed with...

- Sorry? - I said, "I think he agreed with you!"

BIRDS CHIRPING

ROB GRUNTS

Should you be doing that?

Why not?

I don't know.

Did the doctor say you could...? Use a trowel? Yes.

Have they given you a list of foods you should be eating?

Cos diet's very important.

Yeah, I'll look into it.

Hmm, I know a dietician - at the hospital. - Stella!

I know what I'm living with,

I just don't want to think about it 24 hours a day.

So, just for now, I'm going to enjoy this.

This bit of weeding, for example,

it's relaxing.

Well, it is meant to be.

I still think it's a bad idea. Stella!

Those aren't weeds, they're herbs.

Oh.

PHONE RINGS

Beyonce, um, can I call you back?

I just wanted to sort out the money for the baby shower.

I've booked the King - Suite at the Belmont. - The Belmont?

Yes, it is only 500. Plus, another 200 for the champagne.

What?

I'm only having you on.

Give us 200 and I'll get some cans in.

Beyonce, we promised to pay for essentials, like nappies and

prams and clothes, not baby showers.

- So, that's a maybe then? - No!

Look, I'm in court tomorrow and I've one hell of a day,

so we'll talk about this another time and do not book the Belmont!

♪ Today I don't feel like doing anything

♪ I just wanna lay in my bed... ♪ CLEM SNORES

Right, you!

Up and out!

You said you needed a bed and you've had one.

Well, a sofa.

And now it's time to sling your hook.

I want you gone by the end of the day.

Come on, B.

End of the day!

You on your own, Bobs?

I take it you're here to talk about what happened on Saturday night.

To be honest, I'm angry.

I'm angry and disappointed.

I mean, there's no way we should've come second.

You and Ivan are wonderful dancers,

but you didn't have the same chemistry as me and Cheryl -

and I never thought I'd say them words.

So, that's why you're angry?

That Scott Quinnell is quite literally dead to me.

Bobby, have you ever done something that you regret?

Something that felt right at the time, but afterwards just

eats you up like a vulnerable, but very beautiful biscuit?

I don't have many regrets,

apart from my acid house phase.

If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone?

Bobby, I'm headed into town now,

so, if you want a lift, you better get a rig on.

Oh, hiya.

Right, I'll just... go and get my things from upstairs.

Go on, love.

Scott Quinnell was wrong,

you should've won.

You, Nadine Bevan, are a class act

and don't let no-one tell you no different.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

Morning!

After you with that polish.

You wish to use the polish?

Chains of office don't clean themselves, good boy,

and this one do have more fingerprints than New Scotland Yard.

This necklace is not appropriate undertaker wear.

Necklace!

This is my mayoral chain and you want to see me stripped of it?!

What would people think? I do not care what they think.

I tell you what'd they think, that the mayor has gone weak.

That her neer-do-well husband has come back and dragged her standards

and morals into the gutter.

Well, that can't happen, not on my watch.

Remove it kindly, please.

It's because I voted against you in the dance competition, isn't it?

Bobby!

All right, all right. It takes a while to look this good, you know.

Hiya, Stell. You all right?

Fine, thanks.

Did you do something different with your hair? It looks lush, like.

What do you want, Beyonce? I spoke to Mike and he was busy,

but he said I should sort the money out with you.

What money? 300 quid for my baby shower.

SHE LAUGHS

What, he said we'd pay for your baby shower?

He wanted me to have it at the Belmont, but I said, "No, Mikey,

"it's too expensive."Right.

Well, we'll just give him a ring, should we?

No, don't bother him, he's dead busy.

Having a hell of a day, he said, cos of course he's in court tomorrow.

Working his socks off he is...

for this little one.

Shall we...?Yep. I gotta go.

So, that's a yes then?

No, that's a definite no.

CAR CRANKS UP

I know what you mean, my face is hurting.

Mother had to ask me why I was grinning like an idiot.

Why don't you just tell her? Not yet.

She had her heart set on a big Indian wedding.

She'll be fine in time, I'm sure.

But she's like an oil tanker,

it takes her a long time to change direction.

SHE LAUGHS OK, fair play.

What time are you picking - me up, then? - About 7:00.

I'm going to wine and dine you to within an inch of your life.

I know we haven't known each other long, but...

it feels so right.

Yeah, it's so complicated, what with my daughter and your son.

We can make this work. I know we can.

Maybe I should let you go, my darling.

Hey... I cannot wait to see you.

LOUD BANGING

There are mourners viewing a body in the chapel of rest.

This is supposed to be a place of calm...

...and quiet reflection!

And why are you still wearing that ridiculous chain?

"Ridiculous"?!

What is this?!

"Mayor Aunty Brenda in Conversation."

It's a meet and greet with a finger buffet and a paying bar.

No, this is inacceptable.

I know I should've left it at a free bar,

but people just take advantage.

MAN COUGHS

Mr and Mrs James, I am so sorry about the noise.

LOUD BANGING CONTINUES Please, await me in the chapel of rest.

It's jammed again!

Brenda, you have not what it takes to work in this establishment.

I request that you leave immediately!

You do not fire me, mush! I resign!

Good, then I won't have to pay the wages you are owed.

Then I am fired, but on my own terms.

I shall dedicate my time to my mayoral flock -

they appreciate me more than some around here!

Tomorrow night, 7:00 to 7:30.

Smart casual.

And sorry for your loss.

Ha!

Now I am back from Dad's, I was thinking I could help out a bit more,

with money I mean.

I think I should try and get a job.

And I know what you're gonna say... Good idea.

...you want to look after us,

and someone needs to look after the kids, but...

Did you just say good idea?

It's not the 1950s, is it?

If you want to get a job, go for it.

I'll cook and take the kids to nursery and that,

as long as I can still do fitness class in the evenings.

Of course you can.

You just want to see me in an apron, don't you?

Hiya.

Hiya, Stella. You all right? Yeah, good, thanks.

Luke.

All right, well, we gotta go.

Listen, about the other night...

You should've told me sooner.

Your dad wanted to, it's just that it's very...

See you later.

Luke Morgan, I am talking to you!

We only did what we thought was right.

What, keeping secrets and treating me like a kid?

Yeah, well, you're acting like a kid now, aren't you?

And you know what? You're not the only one who's suffering,

so drop that face and bloody grow up, will you?

A virus video?

A viral video.

It's when you stick a film online and people click on it.

Oh, like your zombie film?

Well, my zombie film is a bit more slow burn, like, not as commercial.

He means nobody watched it.

We're gonna film Banjo doing tricks. Aren't we, Banjo?

BANJO BARKS But Banjo can't do any tricks.

That is what I said. Cerys might be able to teach him.

She's great with him and he loves it.

Come on, Banjo, come on.

She not irritating you so much now? What?

I said, you and Cerys.

You seem to be getting on all right. Just making an effort for little Al.

Of course you are.

You're so annoying.

And...

as you can see, there's plenty of room.

Uh, seating for up to 300 guests.

Hmm,

that's a little cosy.

The bride is blessed with a very large family in Bombay.

Very large and very well thought of.

Then you'll be pleased to know that our facility's

a second only to the Palace of - Versailles. - Oh, Aunty Brenda!

Pontyberry Town Hall have played host to royalty, industry and

several well-known snooker players.

I want the best for my son.

Jagadeesh? Getting married?

He barely got divorced. He's a one-man reality show, this one.

But, of course, I will have a look and see when the room is free.

It won't be soon though.

We've got a lot of high-level functions -

the Mayor Aunty Brenda's Charity Roast,

Mayor Aunty Brenda's Business Seminar...

Sing-along at Aunty Brenda's.

Sing-along at Mayor Aunty Brenda's.

Well, I would appreciate if you could get back to me

with some dates as soon as possible.

And I want it to be a surprise,

so not a word to Jagadeesh.

Discretion is written through me like a stick of Barry Island rock.

OK, got this one. Yeah? Ready?

OK, Banjo, this is your moment.

Are you tuned in?

Look.

And a one, two, three.

Go!

Right.

OK, well, I admit this is not going as well as I'd hoped.

We can buy some doggie treats. He don't like them.

He's dead fussy about food.

Yeah, I can see that.

Let's just go home. This is pointless.

Oh, what? No! Don't give up yet. Let's have another go.

He can't do tricks, it's too hard. I knew it, so did Ben.

Why didn't you say something?

Oh, I don't know, you seemed so excited

and I didn't want to spoil it.

Where has he gone anyway?

- - Banjo? - Banjo? - Banjo?

I'll probably wait a bit before telling Jamie.

You don't mind, do you?

No, of course not. I understand.

He likes you, though.

That is a good start.

Well, I like him. He's a funny lad.

- He's very confident. - Yeah.

Shy little duggar when I adopted him, though.

He'd been with half a dozen foster families,

so I was determined to keep him happy.

Give him a stable home, like.

Probably why I've been single so long -

didn't want some random bloke in and out of our lives.

But now, well...

this feels a bit different.

Now, isn't that a pretty picture?

Yes, the eyelash has gone now, Carol.

Aw, you two make a lovely couple!

No wonder your mother is so happy about it.

You have spoken to my mother?

I am not suppose to say nothing.

But a Mayor is like a priest, it will go no further.

Let's just say it's looking for Easter/Summer 2017.

Sorry, what is?

Your wedding, of course!

She came in today to book it.

Anyway, I say no more. Shh!

Congratulations. Shh.

LAUGHTER Thank you.

Oh, my God.

How did my mother find out?

I don't know, but she's taking it pretty well.

Carol, please be assured I do not wish to marry you.

Well, thanks very much.

Sorry. I mean, not yet.

Maybe we should just get married - get it all over and done with.

I'm free at the weekend.

You are pretty easy to wind up.

You got me. You got me.

Ah, my favourite uncle. My favourite niece.

You want a lift?

I'm parked just over there.

- Aye. You drive, I'll drink. - Hm.

You all right?

Just meeting an old friend later on.

Hey, I was thinking about catching up with your bairns before I go.

I didn't get a proper chance to say hello to Luke and Emma.

Oh, Emma's still in India

and Luke's... well,

it's complicated.

The last time I saw Luke, he'd been... this high.

Cynthia's wedding it was, remember Cynthia?

The one with the face?

There were a lot of kids getting me to do magic tricks.

Oh, the one with the coin? That is the one.

All the other weans were loving it.

I'd pull the 10p from behind their ear

and they'd runoff, but Luke,

he just stood there, getting me to do it again

and again, until he knew how I did it.

Stubborn wee sod.

Nothing changes.

Kids, they are a worry for life, right?

What's that?

Aw... You still got it.

I need that back actually.

CAR HORN BLOWS Banjo!

- Banjo! - Wait up, Banjo!

Banjo!

- Banjo! - Banjo!

HORN HONKS

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

INTENSE HEARTBEAT

♪ And then a hero comes along

♪ With the strength to carry on... ♪

That was amazing!

♪ And you cast your fears aside... ♪ Oh!

♪ And you know you can survive... ♪

Guess who got it all on film? You beauty!

♪ So when you feel like hope is gone

♪ Look inside you and be strong

♪ And you'll finally see the truth

♪ That a hero lies in you... ♪

And it is uploaded.

Try it and see.

- Banjo! - Wait up, Banjo!

How many views?

One, but that was us.

How many now? Can you be any more impatient?

All right, fine, I'll wait.

How about now?

Oh my... Mind the face! Calm down!

112 views, get in!

Yes!

SHE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS

I'll be off, then.

Probably I'll find a hostel or maybe...

kip on a bench.

Did you hear anything about the wee - dog? - In passing.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

Some journalist bloke from the local paper rang.

He wanted to do a piece on you and me,

something about the lady mayor being married to a hero...

but I said no.

What?! Why'd you say no?!

Because I am moving on.

You can stay till the end of the week.

"Dear love of my life,

"I saw this toy in the gift shop at the oil rig

"and I got it for little Genevieve.

"They don't have much in the gift shop at oil rigs,

"just miniature oil rigs...

"..and hard hats,

"which I hope you will find some use for.

"I miss you both so much

"and I can't wait to hear everything you've been up to.

"Yours for ever and ever, and even longer than that, Karl."

Jack, you're meant to eat them, mate, not drop them on the floor.

PHONE RINGS

Michael.

- Time for a quick chat? - Uh, yeah.

I'm in the middle of breakfast. It's not about mum, is it?

I know you're angry, but please just - hear me out. - Go on, then.

There is a mate of mine from uni,

a few years ago he fell out with his dad.

Proper shouting and screaming match.

Yeah, don't tell me, the dad died

and now your mate has to live with your regret.

Of course I'm going to talk to dad again, and mum, just when I am ready,

that's all. And what about their feelings?

Your dad's ill and your mum... Told you to call me.

You can be a smart arse, if you want to,

but you're the one who's losing out. Michael.

And, no, my friend's father didn't die - they just never spoke again.

Life's too short, don't you think?

Look, I've gotta go Speak soon.

DIAL TONE

- Good morning. - Morning.

A 17-tiered cake, layered with exotic fruits...

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

...with the bride and groom carved from ivory.

Mother!

Oh, yes, my darling boy.

I, uh...

I spoke to Aunty Brenda yesterday and she congratulated me

on my forthcoming nuptials.

- That woman! - So it's true, then?

Yes, it's true.

And... you approve?

It's the best thing that's happened to this family

since your father died.

I'm so glad that you feel that way,

but a wedding, that is a long way off.

As you wish, but why don't we have a meal tonight,

- just the three of us? - Tonight?

I know she lives a long way off, but... Not really.

And I'll pick her up, obviously.

What a gentleman!

Aw, you make me so proud!

I trust there will be no badness of blood between you and I, Stella.

Of course not.

Aunty Brenda can be...

what's the word?

Very challenging.

Oh, on me.

No badness of blood.

Here we come!

CHEERS

Let's get this party started!

Aunty Veen won some cash on the - bingo. - All the sixes.

Cockity cock!

I thought, "We're living good on a baby shower,

"I want Stella to be a part it" - so here we are.

Let's have it in, Stella. Anything in particular?

Sex on the beach.

Times ten!

And a lime and soda for me, no ice.

Bring them over when they're ready, on a tray, with some crisps.

Let's go.

Oh, chief, I do hope you're the bastard stripper.

Sorry.

CHEERING

Nadine Bevan.

- Ivan Schloss. - Schloss.

- You are well? - Yes.

I've got baby club now.

Baby club every Tuesday afternoon, see.

It's a club... for babies... on Tuesdays.

- Right, well, I take my leave. - Ivan.

So, it's just a little piece about Clem saving the dog.

"Little piece"?

Half a page or so.

Seems fair enough.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

What part of lady mayor's husband

risks his life to save a puppy didn't you hear?

That's a double-page spread, right there.

We were thinking it was more of a small feel-good story.

Let me tell you a feel-good story,

it concerns a woman with a vision.

A woman who gave up her career in the funeral business,

so she could serve the people of Pontyberry.

You mean you?

Now, if you are sitting comfortably, then I'll began.

Hiya.

You might want to go somewhere quieter, like an airport.

Service!

No, I need a drink. I've been looking all over town for a job.

Didn't think I could waltz right in, but there's literally nothing.

Hey, I tell you who might be taking - on - Ivan. - Schloss?

Schloss.

- At the funeral parlour. - Serious?

Go and see him.

We're gasping over here.

If nothing else, you might at least be able to hear yourself think.

- - Open it! - I'm opening! - Open it!

Aw!

That's all you'll be wearing from now on, love.

There is no going back.

I have seen smaller duvet covers.

Ah, this bloody heartburn!

Too many...

- bokey smacon crisps? - Oh, God.

You all right? No, bloody wrecks, it does.

Christ!

It's not cocking labour, is it?

- What? - It better bastard not be - I still got a fortnight to go.

It's probably nothing,

but you should get yourself to the hospital and get checked.

Well, call an ambulance, then. You don't need an ambulance.

Well, how am I supposed to get there?

Not having none of this lot drive me.

BREATHES DRAMATICALLY

Oh, kills, it does.

I think I better call Mike.

Why? He's gotta be here for the birth.

Beyonce, you're not giving birth.

It is Braxton Hicks or indigestion.

I want to call Mikey.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? It's coming, Mike, it is coming.

No, it's not.

- Say again? - Our baby is coming.

Fuck.

Everything OK? Yep. I'm just... hang on.

- Michael? - Mike?

- Michael? - Stella, what's going on?

Everything's fine. She's not giving birth, she's just being a drama queen.

I'm not being a fucking drama queen.

I am taking her for a checkup, I'll let you know of anything happens.

You just concentrate on your case.

You sure?

Yes, I am. Go get 'em, tiger! Go get 'em, tiger.

Right, ready when you are.

And that is why they do call it

the Mayor Aunty Brenda feel good factor.

I do bring smiles to people's faces.

Great. Well, I'm sure that'll be a wonderful story.

A wonderful story without a photo?

I'm afraid I don't have my camera with me.

Maybe one of these'll help.

Just a few stills I've kept through the years...

close to my heart.

That's our wedding day.

My old band played the wedding march.

Rocking day, that was!

That's us on Brighton Pier.

And that's us with our first car.

Our little Capri.

Broken heater.

We had to generate our own warmth.

Do you mind if I borrow these?

We need more than half a page, though, good boy.

Oh...

I am sure that you will get that.

That's the final rummage

and... out we pop!

The good news is you're not in labour just yet.

See, I told you.

Just a little bout of Braxton Hicks.

Yeah, I thought it might be, but she insisted I come here.

In the middle of a party, I was, and she dragged me away.

I told you it was a waste of time.

She's a nurse, you know, or supposed to be.

Ah, no signal, great

Right, come on, you.

PHONE RING

- Oh, come on, pick up. - I'm hungry.

'This is Rob Morgan, please leave a message.'Hey Rob, it's me.

Can you call me...?Stop at the garage, I need Revels...

- Can you shut up? - A family bag. It's the least you can do.

- Who you ringing? - A friend.

He's not very well.

I hope you're more sympathetic to him than you are to me.

Actually, I am because, unlike you, - he is genuinely ill. - So am I!

You're pregnant. He has got a serious heart condition.

'This is Rob Morgan, please leave a message.'

And he's still not picking up. So you're thinking what?

He's lying there, can't get to the phone, calling...

"..Stella. Stella,

"only you can save me."

Oh, shut up!

Cos you do. You hear about it, don't you?

People lying there for days, no-one coming.

Days and days. Sometimes they're just...

Right.

Where we going? TYRES SCREECH

Won't be long.

Ask him if he's got any biscuits, or like a Pot Noodle or something.

Oh... have some mints, tide you over.

SHE SIGHS

I hate mints - they repeat on me.

HE LAUGHS

Hiya.

- Hi. - Hello. I've been ringing, I did knock.

Sorry, we were miles away. Take a pew.

No, I can't stop long. Just wanted to make sure you're all right.

Why wouldn't I be?

Rob...

It's OK, Luke's in the picture now,

about test results, about everything.

How do you feel about it?

You know...

Look, just because it's serious,

it doesn't mean I'm going to pop my clogs any minute.

It just means that my heart could pack up at some point,

- maybe years from now. - Maybe never.

You could be with us another 20, 30 years.40.

All right, you are not that young, mate.

LAUGHING

We've just got to look after him, that's all.

Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.

- Like boxing. - Exactly.

You should take up crown green - bowling or dominoes. - Oi!

And eating the right stuff. Yeah, I said that!

See, you should listen to her.

A very wise old woman, my mom. Oi, you!

I've got to pick the kids up from play group. See you tomorrow, yeah?

- Oh, you'll see me. - See you, love. So long.

You thought I'd had another restaurant moment, didn't you?

No, I just thought you were - ignoring me. - Never.

HORN HONKING

That will be my passenger.

Taxi-ing now, are we?

Long story.

URGENT HONKING

- So long. - Tada.

Oh, God, it's coming!

You have got to get a grip, my girl.

You heard what the midwife said. My water's broken!

SHE GASPS

Rob!

SHE GROANS

Ambulance is on its way.

I want to go to a hospital. Get off me!

We're just getting you comfortable till the ambulance is here.

I need oxygen and drugs, and I need - Mike! - Get her on the floor.

I'm not giving birth on a rug!

- This baby is nearly out. - Slowly.

That's it, easy does it.

SHE GROANS

SHE SCREAMS

Michael, it's me.

You know how I said I'd let you know if something started happening?

Well, it started happening.

SHE HOWLS

SHE SCREAMS

- Let's have a look. - No, get someone proper. I need someone proper.

She knows what she's doing. Don't, you Stella?

Well, I've had three of my own - that must count for something.

Oh, and I did a maternity module last term.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

I got a B+.

Should I put on some music? I've got a radio, would that help?

Maybe get some hot towels and water.

SHE SCREAMS Absolutely.

Hot towels? I'm not having him shave my bits!

A midwife once told me it gives the blokes something to do -

makes them feel useful. Oh, God, I need to push!

Right, deep breaths. Deep breath.

And now push really deep into your bottom as hard as you can.

I'm pushing! I'm pushing!

I'm pushing by my arse!

BABY GURGLING

I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong.

It was a moment of madness with that Ivan Schloss.

It was just a kiss. Didn't mean nothing.

And nothing is going to happen, ever, no way.

Which is why I can look at that trophy with my head held high.

SHE SCREAMS

Come on, come on.

BABY CRIES

It's a boy.

They was right, then, with the scan.

Yeah, they were.

Part of me was hoping they were wrong because I know what to do with girls.

You can't go wrong with girls. We've got loads of girls in our family.

But, um, now he's here, I'm really glad he's a boy.

Oh, Christ he's beautiful, isn't he, Stell?

LAUGHING

It's all right, got the towels.

Hey!

- Well done. - Mabrouk, Michael. - Mabrouk. - Thank you.

Not that I didn't think - we'd win, of course. - Never in doubt.

- Cheers. - Cheers

PHONE BUZZING

Excuse me.

'You have one new voicemail.'

'Michael, it's me.' SCREAMING IN BACKGROUND

'You know how I said I'd let you know if something started happening?

'Well, it started happening.'

Have you experience of relevant undertaking?

Well, I went to my Nana's funeral, - does that count? - No.

When we think about death, how should we feel?

- Sad? - No.

What is the cheapest - type of coffin wood? - Pine?

HE SCOFFS No.

When embalming a dead body... - - Ivan. - I-vahn. - I-vahn.

I'm sure I won't know that either, but the thing is I'm desperate.

I'll do anything, I'm a hard worker I learn quickly,

and I'll do any hours that you want, but please, just give me a chance.

Can you fix a Vexprint E400 inkjet printer?

- I think so. - Oh.

We used to have a similar one at the office where I was a temp.

It was always jamming.

The manual on printing is a foreign language to me.

- Yeah, they're dead confusing. - No, I meant literally, it is in Korean.

Oh.

Oh! Welcome aboard.

I'll follow you in the car. I won't be far behind.

- Promise? - I promise.

Thank you.

You're amazing, you know.

I know.

I'm serious. You just single-handedly delivered a baby -

a baby of the woman who had an affair with your boyfriend.

It wasn't an affair, it was a temporary loss of sanity.

You're a saint, Stella Morris.

I haven't always been, Rob Morgan. CHUCKLES

Christ. Remember when Emma had Abhra?

Only just got her there in time. Very dramatic.

She was off her head, bless her, on gas and air.

And Sunil turned up like a lost soul.

Couldn't believe he was a dad.

And then Sean hit me.

Oh, yeah.

Because I kissed you.

I think I kissed you actually.

I certainly kissed you back.

This bit now, Rob, this is quite awkward.

I know.

- Fuck! What are we doing? - Stella.

No, this is all wrong

and... I've got to get to the hospital.

Have you got any tablets? Are you on tablets? I forgot to ask.

You're getting worked up. Nothing happened.

I know! Take your medicine and get some rest.

Don't start avoiding me now, and being all weird,

because it really was nothing.

I know. I'll see myself out.

Stay in the dry. There's... There's rain forecast, apparently.

And, of course, life as mayor is not always a bed of rose-ay,

I have had to make sacrifices along the way.

Most days I miss Countdown.

But you know what?

I wouldn't be able to do all that I do without my rock,

Clem.

Always by my side.

Next question!

Uh... yeah, the lady near the back with the cheap knit-wear.

Mayor Aunty Brenda, perhaps you could tell us

a little bit about today's article in the paper.

Well, I've been too busy serving my people to have seen the article,

but I'm hoping it was a double-page spread.

Better than that. You're on the front page.

SHE GASPS

SHE SHREIKS

I have no choice but to suspend you as mayor of Pontyberry pending

a formal investigation into questions of wrongdoing.

Have you anything to say?

SHE STAMMERS

That will be taken into account.

Your chain of office, please.

SHE WHIMPERS

The chain, Aunty Brenda?

SHE GASPS

SHE WHIMPERS

Oh, it's all right, Carol, no cleaning needed here.

Everything is spick and span.

Mother, Carol is... Not needed.

Where is my future daughter-in-law?

- Freshening up. - Freshening up?

Well, she's come a long way.

Nina, there has obviously been some kind of a mix-up,

but what Jagadeesh was trying to say is that him and me are...

me and him are... Yes?

Carol and I are dating.

We are stepping out, we are sweethearts.

- What? - I don't know who you thought I was bringing to dinner, but,

actually, who did you think I was bringing to dinner? Never mind.

It doesn't matter. Carol is coming to dinner.

Now, what's for starters?

PHONE RINGS

'Sorry, but we ain't here. Leave a message and keep it real.'

PHONE BEEPS

'Um, hi, it's me, Paula.

'Hope you're OK.

'So, the reason I'm calling is...

'it's daddy.

'He died last night and...

'Oh, God.

'I don't know what else to say.

'Call me when you can, love.

'Bye.' PHONE BEEPS

DOG WHIMPERS

SHUSHING

It's water, but you can pretend it's champagne.

Thank you.

DOOR OPENS

- Hello. - Hello.

Time to meet your daddy, baby J.

Stella delivered him, she did. Did you?

Don't look so surprised.

All in a day's work for nurse Morris, isn't it, Stell?

Thank you.

Can I...?

BABY CRIES

- Yeah. - Give me those.

Ready? Here we are. Hello, little man.

- He's cute, isn't he? - He's gorgeous.

And you, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm a bit sore in the underground parking,

but, um, no, I'm OK. Thanks for asking.

Hello. Aww.. He's got your nose, mind.

- Do you think? - Yeah, he looks like his dad, doesn't he, Stell?

Definitely.

Oh, by the way,

I'm gonna call him Jackson.

Alright.

Jackson Evans. Yeah, that's nice.

No, he's having your surname. You're his dad.

That would make him Jackson Jackson. I know. It's cool, right?

- That's mad. - Aww...

What do you think, Stell? Yeah. Why not?

Jackson Jackson. Actually, it's growing on me.

Wouldn't have been my first choice, but...

Right, stop hogging him, Mike. Let Stella have a go.

No, you're alright. You carry on.

Jackson. And... is he feeding?

Yeah, he's been fine. He's really hungry...

THEY LAUGH

...all the time. He looks strong, doesn't he?

Oh, I know, he is. He's a big boy, aren't you? Aren't you?

BABY CRYING

The legend that was Daddy Simpson have died.

You are as beautiful to me now as you were at 16, Stella Morris.

You can't take Jackson to Magaluf. He is only two weeks old, man.

I know. That's why you are having him.

- Beyonce! - You're on!

Bloody hell, that's Robert Bland.

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