Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

The medication isn't working. I want to come back to Wales.

I haven't got no one to dance with so I wondered... You are in luck.

I'm here to talk abut Jasminder.

I think it's time we found her a husband.

He's come to stay for the summer!

Hello, Stella.

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating, I go weak inside

But why a cottage? What's wrong with a hotel?

I don't know. He's here for the summer, isn't he?

It makes more sense. Oh, is that what he told you?

No, it's what he told Luke. Remember Luke?

The son he's come to visit.

Don't be sarcastic, Stella, it doesn't suit you.

It's just Rob's been here a week now and I'm fed up of talking about him.

I want to talk about our anniversary instead.

Two years. Where's the time gone?

Ah, you walked me home after the gala.

Took me to your bedroom.

Pushed you on to the bed and said...

Something big has come up. Don't remember that bit.

That's enough! I just don't want your insurance. OK?

Now goodbye.

James's claim letter hasn't had a - response. - What?

We need that in by the end of Friday or we can't counter claim.

I'm going to Pontyberry. It's my anniversary tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Michael, until this is done, you're not going anywhere.

Ta-da! What do you think? Very flash. Stolen?

Yeah. Lost the police at the roundabout.

HE LAUGHS

Do you want a hand? - No. - Come on then.

This is nice, isn't it?

Really is no need to take me, you know. It's just routine.

Do my bloods. Oh, hush now.

Get a move on, we're gonna be late.

This is still between us, isn't it? Of course.

I haven't told no one. - Not even Michael. - Thank you.

I don't like keeping things from him, though, Rob.

Hmm.

Sorry. Right.

Let's get you to the hospital before the police catch up with me.

How many times? There's absolutely no way

I'm having an arranged bloody marriage.

Please, we just have to keep your - babiji happy. - But why?

Because she's your grandmother.

And because she owns half the pub.

The Kapurs are one of the most respected families in Bombay.

So I must insist that the living room upstairs is thoroughly cleaned.

Am I clear? You're in the way.

I beg your pardon?

Look, love, I'm employed to clean the pub.

I'm not some domestic servant.

So you gonna move or you want wet feet?

We sign the new lease next month.

Please just play along until then.

You've only got to meet the boy. I promise.

Fine, but you owe me, all right?

Gotta say, you've got good taste in staff there, Jag.

Soft hair, full lips, a hind leg like a Spanish stallion.

And she's got balls, which I always find attractive in a woman.

What are you getting at, Yanto?

I think your cleaner's the dog's.

I'm gonna ask her out.

On a date?!

Hey, I'm not stepping on toes here, am I, Captain?

If you've got designs on her for the officer's mess I'll stand aside.

No, of course not.

Don't be ridiculous, man.

In that case, mission on.

They're all wood, basically. Teak, pine, mahogany.

Some opt for wicker but they're either hippies or cheapskates.

So I wouldn't bother looking at them.

I tell you what, why don't you take this home with you

to peruse and your what-you-call and give us a tinkle later on, is it.

Thank you for your customs. Sorry for your loss. Bye!

What in the name of Julie Christie was that?

You had her in and out quicker than a microwave spud.

Sorry, got to dash. Council meeting.

I'm gonna propose myself as candidate for new mayor.

Matusha Brenda.

When you began this job you insisted your work here would be not compromised.

I ain't compromising nothing.

Ivan, love, surely having the mayoress of Pontyberry on your payroll

can only benefit the Schloss emporium.

Very well. But I must insist you're present at tomorrow's wake.

Eric Edwards. Star Trek fanatic.

Oh, you mean Eric the Vulcan?

I'm surprised there even is a wake. He had no friends to speak of.

All online apparently. Yeah, yeah.

Laters!

Do not let me down, Matusha Brenda.

Daniel Kapur. Oh!

You are having a giraffe.

This is your one opportunity for eternal happiness.

It is vital you make a good first impression.

Therefore I think it will be most fitting

for you to perform a bharatanatyam when he arrives.

Dance? In front of him?

Have you completely lost the plot?

Please, Jasminder, don't talk to your babiji like that.

Look what you've done now. SHE GASPS

You're not the one having to go along with her bloody madness.

All I desire, all I pray for,

and beg for on the ground like a crawling hound

is that my family should be happy!

I only want what's best for you!

But you, you spit it in my face.

SHE CRIES DRAMATICALLY

SHE HOWLS

Fine, I'll do the flipping dance!

Thank you.

SHE CHANTS

VACUUM CLEANER ON

Knock knock! Sorry to disturb but I want to talk about this.

What of it? I want to enter. With you.

No. No. It is not appropriate to be. I am a professional here.

Those are mere amateurs. So? That gives us a better chance.

Any idea where the lippy is? I'm right in the middle of Mrs Doyle.

Tszujjing her up for her family, look see.

The thing is, you're amazing. You're the best.

There's only two winners for this competition.

You and whoever you dance with.

And I want to be the whoever. Please.

It was here on Tuesday. I used it for old man Jacob's cheeks.

Stop wittering, Bobby! Use this.

Intense Plum? It's hardly ideal for a 90 year old.

I don't think she'll be complaining, do you?

So, will you dance with me again? Please? What do you say?

I say to the hell with it. What have I got to lose?

SHE SCREAMS

I booked a room at the Fox to practise.

I won't let you down, Evan.

Ivan. Ivan.

You wanna tread gentle with that one, you know?

Attractive woman, husband away.

You are holding a stick by the incorrect edge.

She is interested solely in the dance.

SWITCHES VACUUM CLEANER ON

Yes, yes, this is good.

Still needs a few tweaks and witness statements, of course.

PHONE RINGS Do you mind if I...

Checking in with your insurance broker? Sure.

Ask her what the weather's like in Wales.

Just ringing to check I didn't get you into trouble earlier.

Look, I've got something to tell you. Where are you?

Erm, walking Banjo.

Stella? Who's that?

Oh, it's Rob! Hiya, Rob!

What's he doing there? He's out for a run.

Right, well, send him my best. Will do.

We should invite him over sometime. Show him my allotment.

Guess so.

Well, go on then. - What? - Invite him over.

Do you want to come and see the allotment one night? Michael's asking.

Er, yeah, lovely. He said, yeah, lovely.

Anyway, look, about tomorrow. Erm... Hang on a sec.

Rob? What's wrong?

Just a bit light-headed, that's all.

From the bloods.

Can you tell me later, presh? Only it's just started raining.

And I haven't got my brolly. Bye!

What time is your train? Three o'clock.

I'm coming with you. What?

I'll go and see Marshall, that IT guy in Cardiff.

We'll work en route and make tomorrow's deadline by tonight.

You are a bloody angel.

I thin you know I'm not.

Thank you.

Stop looking at me. I'm fine.

Just might not be doing the next London marathon, that's all.

You have to tell Luke, Rob.

Top Shop. For my waitressing. What do you think?

Awesome! I like everything you wear. Oh!

Hiya. Hiya, Stell.

Did you hear that? He's the best BF ever, isn't he?

And from the gulley into the garden and into the house.

Here we have the kitchen. Oh, look over there. Who's that?

Could it be a dirty douche who'd rather spend the summer with a girl than his best bro?

You're not recording. The light's not on.

- Go chew on a borrowed pen. - Oi! Don't talk to her like that, sap head!

Or what, douche bag? Do you know what?

You two are doing my flipping head in.

Some people in this world have got real problems!

The one-way system has been in place since 1989

when an average of 0.38 thousand vehicles...

Sorry, not interrupting anything, am I?

The butcher here was just laying out his plans for the one-way system.

Oh, good, nothing important then.

I was just declaring myself as candidate for mayor.

Well, funnily enough, that's exactly why I'm here!

Cos I wanna declare an' all!

You declare for mayor? Give me a break!

Look, I didn't want to have to bring this up.

But before she died,

Mayor Mary Meyer told me I was to be her successor.

Successor? Who do you think you are? Henry the Eighth?

THEY LAUGH

Have you got a manifesto?

Of course I do, good boy.

I got maniwhatsinims flowing from my noodle

like streamers in the what you call.

So come on then. Tell us what they are.

I'll tell you right now!

When I'm gonna tell you what they are.

Tomorrow afternoon in The Frisky Fox.

In a pub? Yes!

A public place.

Cos we are here to serve the people of the people of the public. All right?

I got a big table booked for lunch. On me.

My plans will be revealed then.

There you go. Thanks.

Oh! Do me a favour. Out of lemonade.

Here's a tenner. Pop down the Lidls - and get six big bottles. - All right.

Thank you.

What for?

- Trusting him. - Trust has got nothing to do with it.

I'm a business man.

I'm hoping he'll shoplift the pop and come back with a tenner.

So, here we are, Pontyberry Park.

Haunted after dark by a ghost swan and a zombie fox.

Let's find out more.

Hiya, girls! Have you ever been in this park at night?

I know what you're after, Ben Morris.

And I told you I weren't interested last summer.

What? No, I didn't mean...

Can I see that? Yeah.

It was your sister I was after anyway!

These things are meant to be idiot proof.

How did you miss her sister?

All right, Steven Spielberg.

You know how to use it, do you? Of course, sunshine.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Hiya, Dad!

Look, I gotta go. Yeah, time to be Grandpa.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, and thank you for feeding Dylan.

Yeah, you too. Bye.

Hey, hello!

Dylan? Have you two got a dog now? 18 pound carp.

He's got the run of the pond.

Doesn't need much commitment. I like him.

Is she coming over then, Susanna? Probably not.

She's just so busy with work, you know, and... I like my own space.

Besides, who'd feed Dylan?

Haven't dragged you from anything, have I?Diddly squit.

Only thing I've got going on is organising a gamblers anonymous meeting

and I bet you a million quid even that goes tits up.

Hmm. I thought betting was off the cards.

Very funny.

I got no job. No prospects. No nothing.

Please don't say something will turn up cos it never does.

Let me give you some cash. Tide you over.

No, you're all right. You're always bailing me out, you and Mam.

Hey, what was it you wanted to talk about?

Erm...

I'm taking the whole family out for lunch tomorrow.

Nice big jolly. What do you say?

Yeah, sounds good.

You'll like going out for lunch, won't you?

BABY GURGLES

♪ You won't admit you love me

♪ And so how am I ever

♪ To know

♪ You always tell me

♪ Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

♪ A million times I've asked you

♪ And then I ask you over

♪ Again

♪ You only answer

♪ Perhaps... I know what you're thinking.

You do?

I never got the projection right on my active leg.

In the middle eight.

Let us five minutes take.

Very impressive!

I know. We've got natural chemistry, me and Evan.

Ivan!

I'd say it was a bit more than chemistry if I didn't know better.

What you suggesting, Stella Morris?

Oh, nothing, it's just... You'd do well to remember I'm a married woman, thank you very much.

With a husband up the rigging. I didn't mean anything.

If you'll excuse me, I've got dancing to do.

Can we try that bit from the end again?

I didn't quite get my leg over.

Oh, no, that quite suffices for today.

Good night.

Now look what you've done. Disgusting, you are!

Mam! What are you doing here?

..platform two is the 15.50 from London Paddington.

The witness statements? Emailed from the train.

So we've made the deadline then. Just. Thanks for your help.

I didn't realise what a schlep it - is for you every weekend. - It's worth it.

Oh, great! Problem?

I've missed the bloody Valley connection.

See you Monday.

- There was no need to come. - Just wanted to know you're all right.

It's supposed to be anonymous. Huh!

Well, I'm your mother.

See your dad today? Yeah. Popped over, like.

You are all right, aren't you?

Yeah, course I'm all right.

It's just I know this has been advertised on the website and that

but what if word hasn't gotten out?

I'll leave you to it.

Come in. We've been expecting you.

Sorry, I'm not sure we're in the right place.

We're all friends here. You're definitely in the right place.

Take a seat.

There's no need to say anything. I'll kick things off in a bit.

You had far to come?

Mumbai?

Wow!

That er...

really is commitment.

Mrs Kapur and Daniel! Welcome to our home!

Just ignore this unsavoury man and follow me.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Oh, for goodness' sake, Jagadeesh,

let people relax before they have food.

Where are your manners?

Course. Apologies, Ma.

I have studied the charts of these two children

very carefully, Mrs Kapur.

And they speak to me. They are of the water.

And I have no doubt MOUTHS WORDS

they should be together.

HE SIGHS

Oh no, you've gotta be fucking joking me!

Hang on, man. Whether it's me or not that's running this,

you're still walking out.

Don't get all Jeremy shitting Kyle - on me, Lukey boy. - I'm serious.

If you've come about gambling, you've come to the right place, mate.

Bit stupid, isn't it? Big room, empty chairs, just me and you?

There's no way anyone else is gonna pitch up at this time.

Fancy a game of pool?

Aye, go on then.

Stell.

Well, good God, what time - do you call this? - I'm so sorry. I missed my connection.

Oh, thanks for seeing to these.

Careful now, you'll get your suit all muddy.

I'll come down here in the morning. No, you won't, good boy.

Cos we are leaving after breakfast and heading up to Manor House.

What? For our anniversary.

We're having a spa day and we're staying the night.

In a four poster.

We can't afford that! It cost nothing.

PHONE PINGS I won it in a competition.

Course you did. STELLA LAUGHS

What?!

Why is Mad Max sending you a sex text?

I've picked up Maria's bloody phone, haven't I?

Yeah, well, switch it off.

I don't want to see no more if he's on the last leg of a strip.

I'll sort it tomorrow. God, what a day. The defendant's team...

Hey, not work talk, is it? You're late as it is.

Let's not spoil the weekend. They tried to pull a fast one...

Michael... Fish and chips in the oven.

Makes a lot of sense - what you're saying, like. - Yeah.

It's like I told you. Helping you helps me.

That's how it works, this thing.

I saw you win that cup.

It was at the Mitres club, wasn't it?

Three rounds on points. I just kept - running. - Bull. You were good.

I wish I had that skill.

It's the rage now, isn't it? Boxing to be fit.

Personal trainers and that.

There's so much to choose from.

Yeah. I think I'll go for a nice shoulder massage.

Yeah. About that, presh...

Thing is, your treatment's already been chosen, see.

Really? What is it?

Chest wax. What?

That was the competition, like.

Describe why you use Eternally Soft in less than ten words.

Eternally Soft? DOORBELL

It's a new brand of male chest wax. I told them you use it.

Eternally Soft?

They'll be waxing you with it at 5.30.

Just think of the four poster, is it?

Hang on. I...

There's gonna be a photographer there for their brochure.

They said would you mind wearing this for the shot.

Hiya. Have you got five minutes?

Yeah. Come in.

Saw Luke yesterday. Me too.

You didn't tell him. Couldn't do it.

He seems so worried about other stuff going on. I just wanted to protect him.

So I told him we were going for a - big family meal at one. - What?

I was hoping you'd come otherwise he'll know something's up.

I can't. Me and Michael are... Please, Stella. I really need your help with this.

Rob. You're out and about early.

- Yeah. - He just popped in to... Say hello.

And to invite you both to lunch. Invite us for lunch.

Today? No, sorry, we can't do today. Yeah, we can.

We can. We'll see you there.

OK. See you there.

Oh, Little Al, keep an eye out, will you?

Just collecting some sand for the back wall.

Old cement's rotten as cock.

This is the zombie playground where all the dead zombies come together

and play as one.

Stay in the frame, Benjamin.

What do you mean frame, Matt?

Ah, that's rubbish! You're pants!

We won't be working together again.

Artistic differences.

Yeah.

Ben, can we talk about Cerys? Shut up, I don't want to hear it.

When you met Lily, I was happy... Don't bring her into it!

I helped when you were too shy to - ask her out. - Fat lot of good that did.

And now I've met someone. And, like, it's your turn to be happy for me this time.

Yeah, well, she's gone and ruined our entire summer, hasn't she?

We can still hang out, you know, it's just...

I want to hang out with her an' all.

I miss you, man.

Will you help me make my zombie - film? - Even though I'm a douche bag?

You can be a zombie douche bag. Yeah, all right.

Do you reckon you can still go - higher? - Course I can, you muppet!

Smile for the camera, go on!

God, you are ugly, mind.

Hey, you kind of look like a zombie.

Get it in the barrow! I don't care if your arms ache.

If you don't shovel you'll have nothing for tea.

Checking out the boxing gear, is it?

Yeah, just seeing what's here, like.

Don't bother about the gloves. I got a fiver off mine.

Do you want a hand? No.

Woman's got to stay fit, Luke. Strong body, strong mind.

Yeah, but that's obviously too heavy for you.

It's not for me, is it? It's for Betty Wong.

She can still bench press the equivalent of a male orang utan

and she's 70 on Tuesday.

Hurgh!

Welcome, welcome! Take a seat! We're through there.

Just sit anywhere. Yes!

And where in the name of Steven Strange have you been?

I thought you'd forgotten! Forgotten what?

The wake. SHE GASPS

Course not. I just didn't know what to wear, that's all.

Anything but that would do. Now come on!

Auntie Brenda. Welcome, welcome, please!

Take a seat. George the butcher.

I will shortly be making my speech for candidature.

But first I've got to pop next door.

Dotty, I'll be with you in a minute!

See? Making excuses already! Shall we...

Hurry up! Offer these around. Whatever happens, don't laugh.

They take the whole thing very seriously.

Take what very seriously?

STAR TREK MUSIC Hello. Hello, dear.

Ah.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh!

Eric the Vulcan's online friends.

They've come to give him a Starfleet send-off.

As Eric would say, live long and prosper.

Thank you.

Due to the occasion I'd have thought it was pretty obvious he did neither.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much for making the effort today.

Eric would have really appreciated it.

Effort? You're the only Brekkian here.

Brekkian?

One of the simple blancmange-like people that populates Barteris.

One of Eric's favourite species.

Live long.

Cheers.

Very impressive. How did you know what to wear?

All in the research, kid. All in the research.

INDIAN MUSIC

APPLAUSE

So graceful.

And now my Daniel has prepared a little poem for you.

Haven't you, Danny? All his own words.

Danny?

Oh For A Dove For My Love Above.

By Daniel Kapura. By Daniel Kapura.

May I first go to the lavatory?

Please.

Yeah, me too. Excuse.

These young people and their bladders!

But then they are of the water.

What is your star sign, Jasmina?

Aries.

And my Javeesh is a Leo! You are both of the fire!

This is a sure sign that Shiva is looking down upon us!

What are you talking about, Mother? I think that this home

will see the dawn of not one but two marriages.

SHE CHANTS

SHE LAUGHS

Stella, Michael, - glad you could make it. - Hiya.

Rob.

Right, I'll get some drinks in. Lager top, ta.

Er... You're not 18. He'll have a pop and orange.

- That is so unfair! - May I remind you the last time you had a drink

you had a fight with Darren Lomax and someone wrote "knob" on your forehead.

You're having a pop and orange. - I'll give you a hand. - Thank you.

That was so embarrassing! What 17-year-old doesn't drink?

I'm looking at one right now.

Shame. What can I do for you, gents?

Two glasses of merlot and a... pop and orange?

I'll just have a mineral water, - thanks. - OK.

So Stella tells me you've moved into a cottage up on Lemon Hill?

Yeah, it's a lovely little place, actually. You must come for dinner.

Not that I'm much of a cook. MICHAEL LAUGHS

And will... Is it Suzanne? Will she be joining you?

Oh, I'm not sure yet.

And Stella also tells me you don't know how long you'll be staying.

It's the perks of being your own boss, I guess.

Take long holidays.

Is that all this is, a holiday?

You know sometimes I forget that you're a solicitor.

Sorry? All these questions.

Just like being in court. Put those - on my bill, please, Cerys. - Course.

There you all are! Why did no one tell me what time you were meeting?

Nadine, this is a quiet family meal. I know, Ben said.

Shame Carl couldn't be here. Still, you'll have to make do with me.

Ben, give me a hand - - with your sister. - Come on. - What?

So... What were you two nattering about at the bar?

I don't natter. Talking about then.

Court cases.

I can't bear lying, Rob.

And he knows something's going on.

Just let me tell Luke first.

I'll do it today after the meal.

I'd prefer it if you were with me when I did.

Course.

Here you go, darling. Thank you.

All right? Hello!

What the hell are you doing? What does it look like?

This whole thing's unbearable.

You look like you need this more than me.

Cheers.

I had to be dragged kicking and screaming to this debacle.

I thought you looked well up for it. Good actor.

Your dance was very interesting. Yeah.

Right up there with Oh For The Love Of A Girl From Above.

Would you like to go outside - for a smoke? - Don't smoke.

Would you like to go outside and watch me smoke?

Give me a hand.

I was wondering if we could have a chat later on.

Yeah, me too.

About that cash you offered me. Well, actually...

Don't think I'm not grateful. I am. But I can't borrow from you, can I?

Cos of this GA thing. We're not meant to borrow or lend.

I know that, that's not what I meant.

I was wondering if you'd like to invest instead.

Invest in what? I've had this idea.

Set myself up as a fitness instructor. Boxing-cise.

I've done some forecasts. You'll get it back definitely.

It'll just be for the equipment. What do you say?

I'd love to. Cheers, Dad.

It's gonna be all right, Luke. I know it's a bit of a shock.

Eh?

Luke was just telling me how he's going to set up his own business.

I'm lucky enough to invest. Boxing-cise.

Boxing-cise? Oh! Yeah, that's a brilliant idea. When did you come up with that?

What do you mean, it's a shock?

Just seeing your dad again, that's all.

Your mother's had a few too many merlots. She never could hold her drink.

Same again, please, Cerys.

Stell, we should be heading off now.

You can't go yet. There's sticky - toffee pudding. - It's our anniversary.

Really? What of? You should have said.

Two years since we first met. Went on a date.

- You ready, Stell? - Actually, let's stay and have dessert, is it?

Still got plenty of time to get there.

Ben, watch the baby for me. Mine's a fruit salad. No cream.

You're different from your photo.

Looks can be deceptive, huh? I don't even need these glasses.

My mother insists it makes people - think I'm intelligent. - That's mad!

Just clear glass in them.

I know babiji means well and that and I love her to bits

but she can't know who's right for me, can she?

Course not. Matchmaking is archaic. You've got to go with your heart.

- Not your head. - And there has to be physical attraction.

Of course. Of course.

Strong physical attraction.

Very strong.

Just going out for a breather. Family meal.

It's hard when you're the centre of attention all the time.

- I can imagine. - You wasn't bothered last night, was you?

About what that Stella Morris was insinuating?

Cos she just doesn't understand the dancing.

Always been a bit thick, that one. I can see from whence they mistake a rose.

Eh? Dance is in us.

It takes us over. We have the chemistry, you and I.

That's what I said! That is what I - said! We do, don't we? - Absolutely.

But the notion of a romantic liaison between us.

THEY LAUGH

Preposterous! Hysterical!

So I'll see you tomorrow at eight for practice... Partner.

You all right? You look like you've seen a ghost!

Carole, I wonder if you would...

The mystery machine is ready to take us to paradise.

- You what? - The number 48 for Cardiff leaves in ten minutes.

I've finished, do you mind if I go? What?

Yes! Please! Yes!

Of course.

Lager top on Rob's bill.

Don't tell my mam.

You really don't like me, do you? Correct.

Well, the feeling's mutual, all right?

We'll just have to put up with each other, won't we?

For the sake of my mate. Deal?

Deal.

About flipping time an' all!

You two were really getting on my nerves. Like a couple of cats.

Erm... Not now, Dotty.

Where the hell have you been? Stuck in the transporter beam.

Eh? Nothing.

Now, listen here, you lot.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen of the council,

if you do make me mayor of Pontyberry,

you get honesty, drive and passion.

And what you called.

HE LAUGHS

- Is that it? - That's a pub lunch like this every month.

My bill.

Thank you.

Jagadeesh! Jagadeesh!

I found this upstairs in the living room! It's from Jasminder!

Look!"Me and Danny gone to Ibiza to chill."

"No panics. Catch you soon."

My little girl! Our little baby!

What have you done?

Me?! You pushed her too hard.

With your demands and your overbearing ways.

Now she's run away! What have you done?

SHE WAILS

BRENDA COUGHS

Auntie Brenda, mayor in waiting. Congratulations!

Does this mean you'll be giving up your job in the funeral parlour now you're in office?

No, Rob Morgan, it do not! I'm still very much needed there.

Cos people are always dropping dead, thank God!

SHE LAUGHS

Michael.

Maria!

Pleasure. Oi, Chief! Pint of Copping Bow.

You've taken a bit of tracking down.

Fiver to the bag lady for directions.

You've got my phone. I've got your phone!

Max is expecting me this evening. I know. He sent a photo.

He's obviously really missing you.

I wanted to get it back to you but the day's spiralled.

I didn't think swapping was your - thing. - Yes, I mean, no. It isn't.

Come and meet the natives.

Everyone, this is Maria. My boss.

I'm going to get her a drink so be nice, please.

Stella! Happy anniversary. Thanks.

Mwah! Oh!

Did Michael tell you the slog he had - to get back for it? - No!

He hasn't said nothing. Oh.

All right, Marie, I'm Nadine. Stella's son's stepmother.

I'm Luke, her eldest son.

I'm Ben, her second, and my sister's in India.

I'm Little Alan, Stella's kind of adopted me.

Rob Morgan.

And I'm the great cocking aunt of Michael's unborn baby.

Quite a lot to take in all at once.

Auntie Brenda, mayor in waiting. Are you the swinger from London?

Oh God.

I'm in a polyamorous relationship, if that's what you mean.

Have I missed anything?

Train beckons. Nice to meet you all. Safe journey!

What's happened?

Can I apologise for anything that may or may not have been said?

Relax, it's nothing I've not heard before.

Thank you for the phone. How long were they together?

How do you know they were together? You can tell.

Bye.

Stella?

Stella! Can I have a word?

I was just telling Rob about the dinner party.

Was Maria OK? Is everything all right?

No, it fucking well isn't. What?

This whole weekend has been a total waste of time.

I've worked my arse off to make this anniversary and you decide to spend

our day giggling with your ex bloody boyfriend

who's suddenly showed up like a bad - rash! - Rash?

What about your placement in London? No talk of that since he arrived.

Something's going on, Stella. What is it?

Nothing.

Nothing to do with us, anyway.

Well, that's not good enough. I'm going.

Going where? Back to London.

I've wasted enough time this weekend - as it is. - Michael, don't go!

Michael! Mam, quick!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

I don't know what's happened. He got up to go to the bar and collapsed.

Rob, can you hear me?

What's wrong with him, Mam?

You! Looking good!

You are on fire, conchita.

You think I'm so shallow

I'd leap into Rob's bed at the slightest sign of trouble?

Michael is threatened by Rob. You think?

Welcome to my town. Welcome to my establishment.

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