Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

You will be my receptionist and you my assistant undertaker.

Michael's meeting a bloke from - Bahrain. - Kuwait. Not our client yet.

- - So don't tell him. - What? - Don't tell him we're seeing each other.

Is there a dance teacher - in the house? - There is now.

Karl, man! Stop standing on my bloody feet!

♪ And then she smiles And my heart starts beating I go weak inside... ♪

A perfectly normal-looking street in the normal-looking town of Pontyberry,

but what horrors lurk behind closed doors? Ee, ee, ee, ee!

- This camera's immense. - I hope you said thank you to your dad. You seen my A-Z?

No. Why are you going to London again? To see Michael?

Do you ever listen to anything I say? Put that thing down, will you?

It's an open day at St Thomas' Hospital. Michael doesn't know I'm coming, so if he calls the house,

don't tell him where I am. I want to surprise him.

We won't be here. We've got a zombie film to make. If you ever work out how to use it.

DOORBELL RINGS Don't stick it in people's faces. Not everyone likes that tube thing.

YouTube. And we could make money!

Stella Morris. The train departs in approximately 29 minutes. Yeah, be there now in a sec.

Right. No parties,

no smoking, wash the dishes and walk the dog. Oh...

and don't even think about going anywhere near my new car.

Bobs, you know I'm off to London, don't you? Vicious, dirty place. I love it.

- So long! - Bye!

This is hideous! - You will have to cook. - Me?!

Do full-on Indian? Get real. I can't even toast a Pop Tart. I'll nip to the supermarket.

We can't get her a shop-bought curry! Oh, man, that really is gross.

- - Hiya. - Carole. - What's going on? Grandma's coming to stay.

She put money in this place and wants to come and check on her investment. She's a nightmare.

Jasminder... Actually, she is a nightmare.

Dad's made her a curry and it's rank.

You're right. That's proper nasty. What time's she getting here?

- One o'clock! - Plenty of time. You get the ingredients. I make quite a mean Jalfrezi.

- My son loves it. - Anything's better - - than Dad's. - You have a son? - Yeah.

More fan mail for the dancing undertaker. And a hamper from Dotty Moss. She says,

"Thank you, Ivan, for making me feel 21 again."

I've got something for Ivan Sloss. Schloss it is, Marj.

Yes. Him.

Fresh from the allotment.

Auntie Brenda... - Mayor Mary Meyer. - Auntie Brenda.

Mayor Mary Meyer. George the Butcher.

You've got to have eyes in the back of your neck with that one around. He's very ambitious, shall we say?

Auntie Brenda, may I count upon - your loyalty? - Heart, soul, liver and kidneys.

I suspect my time as Mayoress is drawing to a close. There are plans to oust me from power.

But I dare not name names. Come to my office after the meeting.

For it is you I want to be - my successor. - Hmm!

I shall reveal all anon. In the meantime, trust no one.

- Ben? - I'm having a poo!

OK. Just going to the dentist. I thought you went yesterday.

Er... it's a different tooth. I'll be back in a bit.

I'm sorry, Karl, but it would give me something to look forward to after slaving over a hot nappy all week.

If you don't want to dance, I'll find someone. Little Alan!

- Oh, what? - Will you be my dancing - partner? - No! I've already got one. Who? Ben Morris?

- No, not Ben. - Charming

Bearing in mind all these factors, your client must reconsider his claim. Yours sincerely.

Blah, blah, blah. And Melanie, "Blah, blah, blah" means "Yours sincerely, Michael Jackson,

"acting for our clients." It doesn't mean you write, "Blah, blah, blah". Great.

- That temp is awful. - I've had - a bit of a breakthrough. - Go on.

Jameson's lawyers are unable to substantiate their allegation. Good. Try to secure the affidavit.

Come on, come on! Keep up! You get lost, on your heads be it.

Come on! Watch your handbags!

Welcome to London! One of the most deadliest cities in the world.

In a minute, we'll be setting off for St Thomas' Hospital,

but remember our journey will be littered with unseen perils. Danger lurks around every corner.

Each passer-by is a potential terrorist or lunatic. Do not be taken in. Having said that,

if you follow me, stay close and keep your flag within your sights,

there's a good chance we'll make it there alive. Onwards!

Come on, you slackers! Keep up, keep up, keep up! Come on!

Next on the agenda, George the Butcher.

Mayor Mary Meyer, fellow councillors, I'd like to bring up an issue

that's been a blight on the people of Pontyberry for several years.

Two words -

chewing gum.

Now, this is what I propose we do. Excuse me, George the Butcher, love.

I don't want to rain on your whatchacallit, but will this take long? I've got to be getting on.

Getting on? Getting on, she says. Well, that's rich, coming from...

- Aaaaaah! - All right, don't be so sensitive, man!

PHONE RINGS Ivan Schloss, Funeral Services.

One moment, please. It's Megan. - She wants a word. - Is she bereaved?

- - No. - Purchasing a pre-pay? - Nada. - Headstone? - No.

She wants to discuss the foxtrot. Tell her I'm indisposed.

Sorry, Megan. He's with a weeping widow. Call back later, is it?

Honestly, this phone hasn't stopped since you rocked up and got Pontyberry bopping.

This was not my intention, Bobsy. I guarantee I will not allow it to distract.

Oh, excuse me... Dotty. I just thought I'd call.

Many thanks for the hamper, but I must return it. I cannot risk impropriety of any kind.

Oh... Was there anything else, Dot? Cos we should be getting on.

I just wondered if... Yes. Oh, bless.

I knew this would happen. - Hark at you, Casanova! - No, it is not me. It is the power of the dance.

It does strange things.

There once was a lady with whom I...

No, I have said enough.

All right? I need a word, Mr Sloss. Schloss.

- About the dancing. - Oh, you don't say

Someone needs to ring the son. Lives in France, apparently.

I'd be more than happy to do it. Don't you worry. I've got this. I do think as SENIOR council member

it's my place to... What makes you more senior than me?!

Bonjour. Je m'appelle Tante Brenda de Pontyberry.

Je voudrais parler avec Monsieur Ian Meyer.

Oui.

Hiya, Ian, love. Listen, are you sitting down? I've a bit of bad news.

Dancing helps me through the week, but Karl don't want to do it no more, so I have no one to dance with.

I was wondering... You are in luck. You're serious? Oh, thank you! George the Butcher.

- What? - George the Butcher is looking for someone with whom to dance.

I'll tell him his problem is solved. Hang on. I was hoping that you...

- Thank God you're both here! - Where have you been?! - The Mayor is dead.

- Oh, my God! Mary the Mayor? - Yes, Mayor Mary Meyer.

Dead as a whatsname. Gone.

Sat there one minute, right as rain,

next thing, flop, wham, smack, head on the table, right in the middle of her ginger creams.

My condolences to you all. She was, I take it, a close friend?

- Well... - - Hardly knew the woman. - Oh.

But here's the thing. I've spoken to the son, Ian.

Ian Meyer! I was in school with him. Plain as pastry, thin as a pen.

And he wants the funeral quick and simple, so I told him we could do it, no problem.

He wants it Friday. We cannot do it Friday!

We've got no choice. The hospital are dropping her off in a bit!

I have been through these books. She cannot possibly find fault.

- You're so stressed. - When you meet my mother, you'll understand why.

All my life I have never been able to live up to her expectations of me.

"A shopkeeper? A grocery man?

"Why couldn't you be a doctor or an accountant? Why couldn't you make me proud?"

Well, tell her you made this. Ah... I'll make her proud.

That is absolutely delicious.

You likes it hot, then?

Yes.

Oh...

I bloody hate this thing! - Do I have to wear it? - Yes. Oh, you look lovely.

PHONE RINGS It's only for a few days. I look like an idiot.

- Hello, yes? - We all have to make sacrifices, I'm afraid. Look.

I'll be there in ten minutes. Tell him I'm on my way.

- I've got to go. - Everything - all right? - I hope so.

Dad, I don't want to panic you, but I think you're going to be late.

No, her train gets in at ten past. I think she said ten to. Definitely.

Well, that's... Where are my car keys?!

Where is the car? She will go insane!

Oh, what's wrong with this?

A GIRL SQUEALS Sssh!

GIGGLING

- Get off me! - Sssh!

AAAAAH!AAAAAAAIEE!

I can explain!

Traitor!

Go.

You said this was going to be - a lads' summer, no girls. - I did feel a bit bad, keeping it a secret.

Your opinion don't count for nothing.

Can we just talk about it? I've got nothing to say to you. Go chat to your girlfriend.

ARGUING IN HINDI

Sorry, but you definitely said ten - past. - Are you calling your own mother a bare-faced liar?

No, of course not. But you said ten past.

And the journey was dreadful. - Oh, dear. - You'd think with all this modern technology

at least they could make a decent brew. Pay attention - the lights have changed.

- Jaldi! - Sorry, sorry.

Right, settle down!

So that's the hospital tour done and dusted.

Tomorrow you'll be interviewed for your six-week placemat. Placement.

I strongly suggest an early night.

However, word to the wide. If you dare to venture outside the halls of residence,

I recommend carrying both mace and pepper spray secreted upon your person at all times.

Actually, Cheryl, I'm staying with Michael, so I'll head off now to his - office. - You fool, Stella Morris!

Taking a huge risk. Make that journey alone and you'll most likely be abducted by gangmasters

and forced to pick beetroot - on the Norfolk fens. - What?!

I'm sorry, you can't see Mr Jackson - without an appointment. - I'm his girlfriend, here to surprise him.

Now listen up, Cockney Jane... Cheryl... This woman has travelled 200-odd miles over hill and dale.

Cheryl... Don't tell me she ain't going to get through your red tape. Cheryl...

I'll report you for being anti-Welsh and prejudicialistical. What's going on?

Hiya.

'Hi, this is Stella. Leave a message and I might call you back.' Sweetheart, where are you?

I rang the house. Ben was weird. You OK?Why not judge for yourself?

- Stella! - Hiya. Isn't this just the sweetest thing?

I found her in Reception with her little friends, A-Z in her hand.

Come all this way from Wales - to see her man. - Is everything OK? What are you doing here?

I'm on a college trip to St Thomas'. I thought I'd surprise you.

Well, she looks a lot more peaceful than she did when she was alive.

Very nervous woman. Always fretting and whatchacall.

At least now she is ready for her son. What time is he expected? He's on the Eurostar from Paris.

The dance class starts in half an hour. I will call them and cancel.

Don't be daft! You'll have a riot on your hands.

Go. I'll stay on. No bother. That is most diligent. Your commitment will not unnoticed go.

- Ho, Slosher! -Schloss! - Madame Evans. - I brought you a little present. A can of cocking 'bow.

What would Ivan Schlosh....Schloss. ...want with a can of cider?

Fair point. I'll have it.

Aaah! Tell you what, mind.

Your dance class tonight is swarming with horny bastard mares.

I thought you might like a cowing bodyguard.

Thank you.

- This is posh, innit? - You think?

Mm. You'll have to show me round.

But I was wondering... The thing is... Will you take me up the Oxo Tower? That sounds so wrong

but... Stella, this is a lovely surprise, you showing up - out of the blue. - Oh, thank you.

But I am snowed under. - I've got a mountain of work. - You're both coming to ours for dinner.

- Are we? - That's really kind, but I've - got that deadline. - Work can wait.

It's not often we get a little visitor up from Wales. Max is going to adore you.

Our place at seven. He's doing paella.

One, two, three and one, two, three. Very good.

One, two, three. Excellent. With the flick, good.

You're best mates. And he wants you to make a film. He can't ignore you - all summer. - You don't know Ben.

No, I was not out of time! Yes, you were. You're useless! Good, good.

Now let us partake a two-minute break and for those of you interested in the dance competition,

please put down your name.

Away, please. I require space, rest and refreshment.

Give the man some cocking air for cock sake!

Yes, thank you, Rhian. It's all right, chief.

It's not! It's anti-clockwise! It's clockwise. He showed me! I know better than you!

No, no, what are you doing? - This is all wrong. - I know...

- It's her. - Enough. Cease. Observe.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

- And round. - Oh!

It is not complicated. Simply - with the flowing go. - All right.

OK, break over! Let's get back into your pairs.

Clip the schlop and we will all try this lunge.

Miss... Bevan.

Please demonstrate. Yes. Music.

MUSIC BEGINS

And one, two, three. And one, two, three.

And around and pull and step

and flick, flick, flick, flick.

Turn, two, three. And one, two...

♪ He calls your bluff He is the ace

♪ You never thought he played that much

♪ And now it's more than all his cards you want to touch

♪ You'll never know if winning this could really be enough. ♪

- Ah! - You see? So simple when you know how.

Now try it with your partners.

I still don't understand - the problem. - The problem, Max, was that it was MY bin, MY property.

My apple cores and not hers. This is what I was dealing with.

Stuck up, neurotic, grumpy beyond - belief. - I wasn't in the best place.

I'd just gone through a divorce. - Then we forgive you. - Thank you.

You soon sorted him out, though? - Took him in hand. - I suppose I did.

Stella's definitely the one - in charge. - In all departments? Here we go.

- Sorry? - I'm just curious about the dynamics of your relationship. - Why? - I'm a people watcher.

It fascinates me, how people get on,

how people... interlock.

There we are, then. More wine?

Oh, God. I shouldn't, really. I'm going to be hanging tomorrow. Hanging?

It means hungover, rough, - - worse for wear. - Oh. - Michael is fluent now in Pontyberry. Eh, presh?

- Presh! I love it. - Oi! OK...presh.

Fill my glass up an' all, isn't it?

Oh, my God! Was that meant to be - a Welsh accent? - Yes.

You should hear her Brummie. I can do a good Brummie accent.

It sort of goes a bit like this. Do you do any others?

- Everything all right? - Yeah. I'm getting the hang of pulling a pint.

How's your mum?

She has a migraine.

Thank you for working this evening. With Stella in London and Yanto in the dance class... Not a problem.

Carole, when I collected my mother from the train, I saw you outside the police station.

- Was that your son you were with? - Yes.

I just wondered, is he...?He's got Down's Syndrome, yes, but... I just meant is he in trouble?

- What? - Because you were outside the police station and I thought... Well, yeah.

He'd been caught shoplifting. So not my proudest moment.

Oh, God.

So... how long have you and Maria - been an item, then? - An item?

You have such a fantastic turn of - phrase. - Do I?You certainly do.

I dunno, really. We don't do anniversaries and that sort of - stuff. - Hmm. It gets complicated.

Yeah. And I hate complication.

Oh, God, don't tell Michael I'm doing this. I haven't had a fag - in two years. - Don't worry, Stella.

Your secret's safe with me.

You don't strike me as a smoker, - mind. - Don't I?No.

Look at you, all... fit and buff.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Whoa! Whoa! God, I'm so sorry. Did I give you the wrong...?

- Hey. - I did, didn't I? Look, - I'm just pissed. - Hey, no worries.

- Can't blame a guy for trying. - Right.

Cheers.

Oh, God, sorry. It was open. We don't have any locks on any doors. We should get that sorted.

- OK, I'll wait. - No, don't mind me. You've got something...

Never a good look.

I only take this recreationally, so don't get all moral on me. I'm not. Your house.

- - Up to you. - Want some? - No... thanks.

Really? I had you down as an adventurous type.

You know...

Work hard.

Play harder.

Jesus, look, this is... really not my thing, Maria.

- You're my boss. - Michael?

And if I wasn't?

Sorry. Are we interrupting?

I'm not sure yet.

And what size waves were you surfing?

My God, Daddy! What are you like? I'm well jel.

KNOCK AT DOOR - He's here. - Sorry, got to go. Make sure you wax your board.

I don't want you slipping in the tube.

Hiya, kid, I'm Auntie Brenda. - We spoke on the phone. - Ian Meyer.

Er, so terribly sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Oh, em... sorry.

Sorry. It's... Well, you just look so different.

From school days, you know?

Bobby Gittins, remember? Same year - as you in comp. - Oh, right, yeah.

I'd like to see my mother, please. Of course. In the chapel of rest, if you'd like to go on through.

Thank you.

I don't know what happened, but he turned out absolutely stonking!

I didn't know where to put myself! I think she had a pretty good idea.

Stella! Thank God you came back in - when you did. - Only because Max tried - to kiss me! - He didn't! What?!

Yeah! Just launched in for the kill. - They're swingers! - Jesus! My boss is a swinger.

Has that ever happened to you - before? - Actually, me and Jan were approached at the golf club once.

- Were you tempted? - No. Jan was furious. She threatened to sue him.

- What for? - Not exactly sure.

- Good old Jan. - Yeah.

And what about you? You and Karl ever...?Shut up!

Nothing like that ever happens - in Pontyberry. - I bet it does. You're just very naive.

God, how am I going to face her in the morning?

Oh... normally, I'd feel intimidated by someone like Maria.

High-powered solicitor type, big success.

But now she's gone and made a twat - of herself. - I guess she has.

Stel, you're a success, you know?

- A huge success. - Yeah, right.

45 and still training to be a nurse. By the time I start earning, it'll be time to retire!

Oh... I wish I could start over - sometimes. - Oh, please, don't. I'm so proud of you.

Are you?

God, yes.

Come on. Let's get home.

I am absolutely gagging for it.

Ooh!

I hadn't seen her for 15 years.

- Yeah? - Oh... She was always ashamed of me, see.

For being gay.

Nonsense! She was always banging on about you. Wasn't she, Bobs?

Yeah.

"My Ian lives in Paris, my Ian speaks French, my Ian to do this, to do that."

You couldn't shut her up, by all accounts.

INDISTINCT

Sorry?

INDISTINCT

Oh, well, this is embarrassing. - Sorry, what? - I said thank God you're here to help me through this!

Right.

Sorry.

Listen...

I'll let you two get on. I've got a million and one things to sort out for the funeral.

We're going to give your mam - a lovely send-off, Ian. - I don't care - how much it costs. - Good.

I mean, right. Well, toodle pip.

See you on the morrow!

Why would you want to come back to Pontyberry when you've got this?

You know I want to come back. Of course I do. Your allotment.

I've only ever lived in Pontyberry. Born there, went to school there,

had my kids there, probably die - there. - Unless you moved here.

Hey, I'll be here for six weeks if I get that placement. - No, I'm talking permanently. - Sorry?

We could both live here. Once you qualify, there's plenty... Hang on. What about Ben?

- And Katie? - They'll be at uni. Well... And the baby.

You can't just abandon him. I'll see him at weekends, which'll happen anyway.

Come on, Stel. Think about it at least.

You'd love it here.

Yeah. I would.

I better get going. Face the Maria - music. - And if I turn up late,

Cheryl will think I've been drawn into some sordid sex and drugs den. You weren't far off it last night!

Jamie's helping me out today. He won't be no bother.

Sure thing. Hey there, I'm Jag.

Jamie, say hello to Jagadeesh. Hello to Jagadeesh.

He's not a happy bunny after his telling off by PC Plod.

Right, in you go, blossom. And try to stay out of trouble.

Nice to meet you, Jamie.

Are you hiding from me, Michael?

No, I'm just...

It was a fabulous evening last night. Yes. Thanks for the paella.

That's OK. Just a shame you didn't - both stay for dessert. - Maria, I've never had much of a sweet tooth.

PHONE RINGS Oh, got to get that.

Well?

I've been offered the placement. Oh, brilliant.

No excuse not to move here now. No, I suppose not. So... how has she been?

Completely normal. Not a word, except about puddings.

- I can't wait to come home. - I'm sorry we're not on the same train. I've got to get back for the pub.

No, I know. I'll see you at bedtime, won't I?Oh, my God.

- What's the matter? - Nothing. ...I'll see you tonight.

Love you.

Admittedly I drank a lot last night, but I don't think I'm seeing things.

Hello, Stella.

The place will be bulging at the seams! 200 and odd guests I've rustled up for tomorrow.

An excellent advert for the company. That's what I thought.

And it will also showcase what I can do in a mayoral, nay statesmanlike, capacity.

I've got Only Men Aloud and Louis Spence doing a tribute dance.

- - Hiya, kid! - Good morning. - Awright?

May I interest anyone in coffee? - It's Turkish. - Aye, go on. Got Macchiato, thanks.

Oh...

I was just filling Ivan in on the progress for tomorrow's funeral.

How was Ian last night in the end? Oh...

Bobs?

Oh, Auntie Bren. I've dropped the most massivest clanger imaginable.

Oh... you didn't?

I couldn't help it. At first, I was like, "Wow, that ugly duckling turned into a beautiful beefy swan."

- Who speaks French. - Bonjour, tout - le monde. - Talk about looks deceiving.

Did you take him up the Frisky Fox?

Yes.

But then he wanted a lift to his hotel, so naturally I obliged. Naturally.

But then he wanted me to come inside for a nightcap at the bar. In for a penny...

- - Three hours later. - Ah! - I'm still sat there listening to him droning on.

In all fairness, he was - grief-stricken. - I could handle that. This was something else.

He was moaning about the people he works with, how he don't get appreciated, no one listens to him.

And all the men in his life have deserted him. And he's struggled with sobriety. God, he was dull.

So I just got drunker to blot out the boredom. When he invited me to his room, I'd lost all judgement.

He's texted me eight times this morning and declared undying love.

You had sexual relations with a - customer? - Ivan, it was an accident.

Oh, that's all right, then(!) You accidentally had sexual relations?

Bobski, what were you thinking? Obviously, he had no choice!

He's taken one for the team. I beg your pardon?

Ian Meyer's paying for this funeral and we've got to keep him sweet.

If it takes a bit of howsywhatchacall to make him happy, then it's just good business sense.

Now if you ask me, you bite the bullet and dive back in. What do you mean?

Take him up the Frisky Fox again.

Oh...

But why London? Surely they've got the same treatment in Canada. Apparently not.

This is cutting edge, trailblazing. All those words to make you feel OK.

Well, you are going to be OK, OK? Well, the guy's a world cardio specialist,

so...

Anyway, how are you?

How am I? I'm in shock, - that's how I am. - Sorry.

You always keep so fit. You go running, you hardly drink anything.

Is it the fags? I hope you've - packed them in. - Pretty much.

Oh, why didn't you say something, Rob? To me or to Luke.

I don't want Luke to know. In fact, I don't want anyone to know about it.

I take it Suzanne knows.

She's a doctor. It's not the sort of - thing I could hide. - Where is she?

- Oh, you haven't split up! - I wanted - time on my own. - What is wrong - with you? - I've got a dodgy ticker.

I get the results this afternoon.

If this medication isn't working, then I want to come back to Wales for a bit.

Spend some time with Luke and get to know Sophie.

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Stella, if you hadn't happened to be in this hospital on this particular day at this particular time,

then you wouldn't even know I was in the country.

I have to go. Let me come with you... Thanks.

I'd rather be on my own. Honestly.

Stubborn bastard.

Let me know what happens. Of course.

Hiya, kid. It's me, it is. Auntie Brenda.

Listen, I am sorting you out a first-class send-off tomorrow.

It'll be the nearest thing to a state funeral this town have ever seen.

And...

Don't think I've forgotten what you said about me being your rightful heir and whatchacall.

I reckon...

when they see what I've organised, there will be no contest.

The Mayor is dead.

Long live the Mayor.

What in the name of Loredana Groza are you doing?

Sorry, Ivan. I was just trying it on for size. Immediately return these chains.

The thing is, before she died... Brenda, with what Bobsy's antics last night,

upon the son of Mayor Mary Meyer and yours before me now, I wonder if I the wrong team chose.

Consider this an official warning.

Sorry.

Glad you could make it. It is freshly-squeezed lime juice, - not cordial? - Freshly-squeezed.

Definitely no alcohol in it? Some ginger beers have 0.5% alcohol. Totally alcohol-free.

I can't touch a drop, see. Been sober for...21⁄2 months. You said.

Hiya, Stel. How was London? - Not quite what I expected. - Want to - come and join us? - I can't, sorry.

- Late for my shift. - Oh.

I know we rushed into things last night. Bit of a whirlwind. Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

- I'd had a few drinks. - Let me take you out to dinner. There's a nice little - Italian down the road. - Listen, Ian,

- I'm sorry. You're a lovely fella. - Oh. But you're just not my type.

That's not what you were saying less than 24 hours ago. - All right, Bob? - All right?

You said there was no one quite like me in Pontyberry. I was a breath - of fresh air. - Did I say that?

You imagined us living together in France, skiing the Alps, sharing - a chocolate fondue. - Oh, heck.

You called me your little French onion, your pamplemousse... I really had had a lot to drink.

I think I should go. No, don't be daft!

Well, that's the problem, isn't it, Bobby? It's what I am in your eyes. Daft! Le bouffon. That's clown.

The humiliation is overwhelming. - Where are you going? - You only wanted me for my money and my mother!

Forget that for a kick-off. I'm - taking my mother elsewhere! - What?!

Hang on! You can't do that, Ian! Babe!

You can't just cancel a funeral! Come over for breakfast tomorrow. Aye, nice one. All right.

Makes a change from takeaways. Still without Zoe?

She's back in a couple of weeks, I hope. Her dad's on the mend.

Hey, talking of dads, you heard from yours lately? - You haven't mentioned him much. - No.

He's gone very quiet. Have you, - - then? - What? - Heard from Rob.

No.

Hey, maybe him and Suzanne have secretly got married and he feels bad cos he never invited us.

Yeah. Maybe.

Yes, please?

I think you'll find that so far the books are looking pretty healthy.

You can be certain your investment is - still safe. - I'm not here to talk - about the books. - Oh, then why...?

I'm here to talk about Jasminder. Has she been rude? I know sometimes she can.

I think it's time we found her a husband. Don't you?

Hey! There's already 20 people signed up for the dance competition.

What's the matter?

I'll never live it down. A cancelled funeral.

George the Butcher will never stop laughing at me.

I can hear him now calling me the biggest joke this town's ever seen.

And it's all entirely my own fault.

Ideas above my station.

Oh, it's not your fault, it's mine.

If I'd just said yes to a dinner date, he wouldn't have felt rejected.

That's true. Yes, you're right. - It IS your fault. - Enough!

No more of this talk of fault, of blame.

We are a team.

The team of Schloss. Sometimes the team it is defeated,

but we will rise again from the rushes and learn.

Now, please, let us from this disaster move on.

Noroc!

Iechyd da!

Michael...

I-I wasn't asleep. Honest.

Oh... Sorry I had to work.

I made dinner for Ben and Alan. They're not speaking because Little - Alan's got a girlfriend. - I know.

- Ridiculous. - Excited about your placement? Well done again.

I haven't thought about it much.

So what have you been thinking about? I can read you like a Kindle.

This.

I've been thinking about cooching up.

LAUGHTER I hope you're hungry cos we've got loads!

Oh, Ben, put that thing away. I'm capturing mundane occurrences.

Apparently we're mundane, are we? Speak for yourself, Jacko. I am - exquisitely fascinating. - Me, too.

- I'll do the eggs. - I'm not eating - nothing he's cooked. - Oh, behave!

- Mum! - Here they are. Perfect timing.

I'll start calling you Mystic Meg - from now on. - Why's that?

You know last night you was asking - about Rob? - Did he ring you?

He's gone one better than that.

Hello, everyone.

He's come to stay for the summer.

- Hello, Ben. - Good to see you.

Hi, Little Alan. Hi, Bobby. Hello, Stella.

We need that in by the end of Friday. But it's my anniversary tomorrow.

This is nice. ..Tell Luke, Rob.

I'd prefer it if you were with me - when I did. - Of course. Here you go, darling.

Tread gentle with that one. Attractive woman, husband away.

Who's that? A dirty douche who'd rather spend summer with a girl than his best bro?

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