Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

♪ Oo-oo-ooh

♪ Oo-oo-oo-ooh

♪ And then she smiles

♪ And my heart starts beating

♪ I go weak inside

♪ Ooh-oo-oo. ♪

She's got her dad's eyes, that's for sure.

We just done three and a half K, - didn't we, babes? - Serious?

I won't let childbirth get the better of me, Stell. No way.

And it wouldn't do you no harm to shift a few pounds!

Just cos there's no man in the house... Actually.....don't let yourself go to the dogs.

Right. Let me know if you need anything doing for the christening.

I'm in college, but I can always nip out.

I've got it sorted, as long as your Luke don't let me down. So long!

- - Morning. - Morning. - Thank you.

I miss you so much.'Yeah.'

I'm useless without you.

Ah. Gotcha!

Stella, what are you doing?

I swear to God, once you pass 40, your eyebrows give birth overnight.

Nice

What time are you back later, then, presh?

'About nine.'

Do us a favour. On your way home pick up a christening present.

Something cheap like a photo frame.

You're a godmother. You can't just get a photo frame!

I didn't ask to be godmother! Hey, you know that prize draw I entered?

There have been quite a few!

The one in the magazine.

Well, this morning, I won two dozen bottles of mouthwash!

Good. I can put them with the two dozen bottles of toilet cleaner you won last week

Hands off, Jackson. I'm selling them in the car boot.

About the car boot... Mum, hurry up! I need the bog!

- Good morning! - No, it isn't!

Hi, Ben!

It's so silly you sending off for freebies all the time. I'm earning good money.

Yeah, and spending most of it on London rent and rail fares!

Look.

I am using my initiative to keep us above water, that's all.

I cannot wait to see you.

Me, too.

Can we have lots of disgusting sex?

Yes, as soon as I've watered my runner beans - and that's not a euphemism!

You and your bloody allotment! Honestly!

Michael... Yeah?

When are you gonna speak to her?

Oh, don't start this again!

Oh, it's not gonna go away, presh.

Beyonce Evans is having your baby in eight weeks

and you won't talk to her or see her or even acknowledge it's happening.

I've got to go. Sorry. Ten o'clock meeting.

Enjoy your last day at college. Bye!

Great

Jag, I'll stick this in the stock room, shall I, butt?

Yes, please, "butt"!

Knock yourself out! Though not literally!

But if you did knock yourself out, that would be fine.

Because you would be completely covered by my public liability insurance.

Third party, fire and theft.

I bet you still can't believe it's happening, eh?

Your name above a pub door!

Oh, I want this place to be so much more than a pub.

I want The Frisky Fox to be the heartbeat of Pontyberry.

A community hub.

Yeah, you said.

The room at the back will be the home of all sorts.

Computer classes, yoga, dance classes.

A whole cacophony of community events.

They still don't add up - again.

Jasminder, I'm riffing.

It's 50 quid out! Look.

Don't take a genius to work out who's been helping themselves.

Hush. You'll get me sued for slander!

I'm sorry, but there's definitely something shifty about that woman.

Shifty?

Well, speaking of shifty,

your shifty tonight will start at six o'clocks.

I ain't working tonight. It's - Friday. - That's exactly why you ARE working tonight

- cos we'll be run off our feet! - Sorry to interrupt. Shall I start in the bedrooms?

- Yes, please. - I'll get on with it. Just cos I'm your daughter, doesn't mean you can take the mick.

You are sounding exactly like your - mother, now. - I'm gonna call her.

And do round the architraves?

Yes. Complaining at every whip, snip - and dongle. - No wonder she divorced you!

I divorced her, as well you know!

I did.

I divorced her.

Right.

Oh, Jag! I hear you've got a function room for community events?

- That's right. - Only my cousin was looking for somewhere.

- Is he? - For a community cocking cock fight.

CLUCKING

Oh.

...And you'll have to, you know, announce the devil

and stand by the pont and light the candle.

It's a big honour being a godfather, - son. - Yeah.

Like Marlon Brando in the film.

"I'm gonna make him an offer she won't refuse."

But he was a bit older than you, was Brando.

- Yeah. - And a bit fatter.

Talking about me again, Karl?

Alright, Stell? What?

- No! No, no. - I'm having a clear-out. Found that old christening gown you was after, of your Nana's.

Oh, that's disgusting, that is!

- It looks like a manky duster! - Want me to sell it at the car boot?

Aye, go on, then.

Oh, Ben, why are you doing this to yourself?

He's not on the porn, is he, Stell?

He told me he was doing his - homework! - I ain't doing nothing.

He's stalking his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Look.

What do you know about Facebook?

You watch. Come the autumn, you won't even remember Lily's name.

- Will he, Karl? - Yeah. Right.

Bloody hell!

I actually used to wear these! Do you remember?

Oh, yeah!

Used to make your arse look massive!

Hey, shut up, you!

Hi, Bobs. Tea in the pot if you want some.

Don't bother. I'm having a can.

Right. See you in church, then, is - it? - Yeah.

- So long. - Ta-ra.

Are you sure you should be drinking, this time of the morning?

It's not morning to me, is it? I've just done a night shift.

Oh, look, love. I know you hate this job

but something else will come along. You've just got to hang on in there.

I've been hanging on so long, I look like a row of washing!

- Oh, my God, Mam! - What's the matter?

Lily's just updated her status.

She's seeing Darren Lomax!

This week's rent, Aunty Bren. Thanks, Cheryl, love.

It's all there, minus £3.70 for the use of my razor.

Honest to God, Marj, I rue the day I ever took that one on as a lodger.

Is she still prancing round in the buff?

Less than she was, but I live in fear on a daily basis.

Hey, kid! That wife of yours has gone off gallivanting, I hear!

Not gallivanting. Her dad's had a heart attack. She's looking after him.

Ah, so she do say!

Left him quite literally holding the baby, Marj!

With no job and a gambling addiction!

Hey, they're looking for people up the turkey farm, butt.

Are they? Well, I'll bear it in mind.

Cheers.

Where have you been, Luke Morgan?

Quarter past, we said.

What do you expect? He's a man!

- And an ex-con. - Thanks for that

What are you doing leaving him in charge?

I got no choice, Aunty Bren.

Karl's not back till the early hours

and I've got a barrage of things to do before the christening

including a bikini wax and an eyebrow thread.

Right, Luke. Don't let anyone pee in my bidet! So long!

Hey, you'll be back by five, though, won't you?

Never trust a woman with a bidet, kid!

BABY STARTS CRYING

SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Well?

They've confirmed for Monday. Brilliant!

This case could be really lucrative for us, Michael.

- He's not ours yet. - No. But he will be.

Let me buy you a drink after work, to celebrate.

Sorry, but I want to get off early. Of course.

Back to your little Welsh rarebit.

- Hey! - I was talking about your evening meal.

Listen, I think that it's great that you're managing to make it work,

- this weekend commute. - Thanks.

But if it becomes a problem... It won't become a problem.

Good.

I'll just wipe down them tables and - then zip off, alright? - Thank you.

Oh, and I found this in bedroom three. I took all the cash, of course.

What?!

I'm joking!

His phone number's in there, and a few cards. So you should be able to track him down.

I told you!

It's one of those things, camper-vanning. You either love it or you hate it.

And we love it. How about you two? Any chance of getting away?

Well, I'm working on it. I've entered seven holiday competitions.

- Seven?! - Three cruises, two city breaks, skiing in the French Alps...

- Can you ski? - No. And ten days on a longboat in the Norfolk Broads.

One of them's got to come good. Right! Look sharp!

Your final class of the year.

Yes, it's summer-time, but the living ain't easy.

Not if you're a nurse.

Because a nurse, Stella Morris, is always on duty,

even when she or he is wearing a bikini and playing volleyball on a beach.

I rang the owner of the wallet.

- He was very relieved. - I'll bet!

Though he claims there was £30 in there.

Then he's lying.

Yes. Sorry. My head is all over the place at the moment.

I'm short-staffed for tonight

and top of that, the till seems to be £50 out.

It's just... Don't blame me. I'm the cleaner. I don't go nowhere near the till.

Of course. Sorry.

Jasminder's till code is JAS, yeah? Yes, I believe so.

Well, you can see she's put in a glass of wine at £54 instead of £4.

I don't think even you would charge £54 for a glass of wine, would you, Jag?

No, indeed!

The whole thing just didn't make sense!

Money disappearing from under my nose like that.

But you have solved it!

- Excellent! - No, it's not excellent.

You thought I'd nicked it, didn't you?

- What?! No! - Do you know what? I don't have to take this.

You can stuff your bloody job!

No. Carole!

Carole? Carole, please!

Right. I'll see you at the barbecue. I'm only bringing crisps.

I've done some marinated spare ribs, oyster sauce with a hint of garlic and chilli.

- What are you bringing? - Pre-load.

He's sulking because of Lily and Darren Lomax.

Mate, Lomax is a joke. He still believes in the tooth fairy!

Go easy, Ben, for God's sake.

You'll make an idiot of yourself.

Too late. I already did that.

Apparently when she told me she loved me, she was lying!

Oh, God!

God, I do feel for you, having Cheryl living opposite you.

Watching over you all summer! I know.

And remember, every step you take, every breath you take,

every move you take - make.

Come on. First round's on me.

Yeah. I'll catch you up. I've just got to pop to the library.

It's summer holidays! Hello?

Won't be long.

You're very strange, you know that?

Yeah, well, I'm not hanging round here all day. I've got stuff to do.

Just take a seat. Janet will be with you now, alright?

- Is there a problem? - I'm just saying, this is what is wrong with the NHS.

Four o'clock, they said.

Beyonce Evans?

About time! I've been waiting ages.

Well, come on, then. This was your idea!

I take it you're her mother?

No. I'm actually the girlfriend of the father of her baby.

Jeremy Kyle eat your heart out, eh?

Nadine's not back yet, Aunty Bren. Any chance you could babysit? I've got to get to Cardiff.

SPLUTTERS

What do you think I am, Luke Morgan?

Some underpaid au pair from the Eastern bloc?

I'm a high-powered civil servant with constituents to attend to.

Banging your door down, are they?

Right, you two. You'll have to come with me.

Oh, my God. Is there something wrong with it?

Cos I'm not having it if there's something wrong with it, like his head's fallen off.

Don't say things like that!

No. All looking perfectly normal.

It was a waste of time. Could have been a dodgy curry, that's all.

You were right to come in, though. Always best to check.

Yeah, well, it's her, it is, fuss-assing around me all the time.

Do you want to keep the scan photo?

I'm afraid we have to charge £2.

Well, I've heard it all, now!

I know. Hospital policy. Sorry.

Yeah, well, you can stick it.

Um, look.

I'll take it.

Just in case she changes her mind.

Are you some kind of saint, or what?

♪ Oh, what a day

♪ I can't describe it

♪ Oh, what a strain

♪ So I decided to get away

♪ Somewhere nicer... ♪

Thank you very much.

Ah, you're back early.

Hiya. Yeah, I thought I'd surprise your mum.

Bit late for a kids' day out, isn't it?

Yeah. I gotta go Cardiff but Nadine's dumped me in it.

- Oh. - Listen, I don't suppose you could have 'em for me, could you?

Only they're not really meant to go to...

No. Sorry, Luke. I was going to make her dinner and everything.

Yeah. Alright. I'd have thought you'd like the practice, Michael.

What is it now, two months away?

Don't worry about it.

Have you been taking them iron - tablets I gave you? - Yeah. They're rank!

Stop me, you know, going, like.

Yeah, well, they're really good for the baby.

Listen, it's really chilly outside today. You've hardly got anything on.

Borrow my cardi, is it?

Whoa!

Right little fashion queen, aren't - you, Stell? - It does the job!

Right. Let's hope I don't see no-one I know!

- Got money for the bus? - What do you think?

Right. Well, take this.

You can't walk home, for God's sake.

Cheers.

Oh, and send my love to Mike.

He do know you're seeing me today, doesn't he?

Of course he do.

♪ Girl, I say

♪ If only life would lean our way... ♪

How's it looking?

We've got the first of our new potatoes up.

Bit of butter on them now for tea. Nice.

Your courgettes are taking over the place, man!

I know. I'm gonna do a big harvest this weekend.

♪ ..Nobody could tell us to stay. ♪

- Michael Jackson! - Aunty Brenda!

As your local councillor elected,

I'm offering you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

for a one-on-one private and confidential consultation

about anything you like, as long as it's legal!

- Come on! - I don't really have anything that...

There must be something I can help you with.

Flickering lampposts? Rubbish collection? Asylum seeking?

No, no, I'm absolutely fine.

What's the point?

You're just as bad as the rest of Pontyberry!

Apathy courses through your veins!

No, it doesn't. I just don't have any problems.

You've got an illegitimate child in the belly of a Jezebel!

I'd have thought that was problem enough!

That is none of your business, and it's not something I'd talk to a local bloody councillor about!

Jesus!

Yep.

We're not abandoning you, Ben.

Yeah, you are. Leaving me stuck in Pontyberry all summer

while you're in France chasing frog - men. - Oi!

And he's in a bloody camper van somewhere up north!

- I'll swap with you, if you like. - No, thanks.

Come on. The great outdoors. You'll have a right laugh.

Katie, have you ever been inside a camper van?

I mean, what's gonna happen at night-time?

I don't know which is worse, listening to my old man snore

or worry that I'm gonna hear them having sex.

Eugh! Gross!

- Oh, my God. Don't look now. - What?

- Ben, just leave her. - Don't do anything. You'll ruin the party.

It's alright. I ain't gonna do nothing.

Ben!

♪ Summer in the city where the air is still

♪ A baby being born to the overkill... ♪

Thing is, Jag, I'm a powerhouse of ideas, bursting to get out there and change the world.

But the world just don't want changing.

At least you're not a security guard at a warehouse up the Wenor.

God, my life's a joke!

Jag! Jag! Jag!

- Jag! - One moment, please, Nadine. I'm serving.

- But it's an emergency! - Please bear with me.

The bakery have closed and I haven't got the cake for tomorrow!

No, they dropped it off. It's in the kitchen.

Oh, God! My head's all over the op!

Hey. That Luke Morgan was expecting you home an hour ago.

What's the matter with him? Not like he haven't got nothing else to do.

Anyway, he's taken them somewhere. Christ knows where.

Probably sat right now at a gaming table playing poker,

cigar in one hand, baby Genevieve in the other.

'Ben, stop it!'

Ben, leave him! Stop it!

- Ben! - Ben!

Ben! Ben!

He's telling the truth, Ben.

You and me were over long before I got together with Darren.

- Like a week? - Nine days.

It's over, mate. Like the song says.

I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts,

but you've got to walk away now.

- What song's that? - The Streets, I think it was.

♪ Dry your eyes, mate

♪ I know you want to make her see... ♪

I used to love that song when I was little.

# But you've got to walk away now. ♪

Excuse me. I'm in pieces here, and you two think you're on fucking X Factor!

- Yeah. Sorry. - I'm sorry.

♪ Dry your eyes, mate

♪ I know it's hard to take... ♪

- Little Al. - What?

He needs his best friend right now, yeah?

Look after him for me, cos I still care about him, yeah?

The only thing you care about is Lomax.

And he still believes in the tooth fairy.

SHE CRIES

♪ But you've got to walk away now

♪ It's over. ♪

Oh, my God!

- Cerys! - Hiya!

What, you two know each other?

- Sort of. - We met at my dad's wedding, - didn't we? - Yeah.

Right. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gasping for a sausage!

- You never called me. - I lost my - phone. - No, you go on.

I lost my phone and I didn't know anyone else that had your number.

I thought about Facebooking you, but I wasn't sure if you were that bothered.

I was bothered! I was totally bothered!

Nope. Never smoked, never gambled, never drugged.

Never even binged on chocolate cake or stuffed my face in a pie.

I am totally in control of my vices, which comprise alcohol. I know my limits.

Coffee, two cups a day.

And occasional lapses into hard-core sado-masochistic sex.

Yep.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

Betty Wong do look like she've got in with the wrong crowd.

Alright?

- Busy, isn't it? - Which is why me and him are making a move.

Come on, chirpy-chops. A bowl of my stew will put a smile on your face.

- Whatever. - Don't be coming home too early tonight, Bobs.

I want a bit of private time for me and Michael.

- Have some water. - No.

I worry about you, Ben.

- No, you don't! - I do!

You're like a sort of, I don't know, a pretend kid brother or something.

You'll have the real thing in a few weeks, won't you?

- Then you'll forget about me. - I'll never forget you.

You're too annoying!

And I doubt I'll ever meet my dad's baby.

He won't even talk to me about it.

Or Stella.

He's really messed up, bless him.

Well, if he hadn't been such an almighty shagger and messed my mam around,

he wouldn't even be in this mess, would he?

You're a dick!

Have you seen that Luke Morgan? Is he in by here?

Oh, just let yourself in, Nadine, why don't you?

He's not answering his mobile. I've not seen heel nor hound of him since this morning!

He was at the station, earlier, taking the kids to Cardiff.

Cardiff?! If he's not back within the hour, I'm calling the police.

You can tell him that from me, - Michael Jackson! - How? How can I tell him?

Oh, God!

So, that's where I'm at, I suppose.

I can't say it's gone away.

You know, that feeling of, I don't know,

needing to gamble.

I still cross the road when I pass the bookies'.

Even the bloody scratch cards call out to me sometimes when I'm buying my fags.

But it's getting less. It's getting better.

Just keep going, I guess.

It's true what they say.

But a day at a time.

Cheers.

Oh, and if anyone's interested,

I'm thinking of starting a new meeting in Pontyberry.

I'll keep you posted, like.

MOBILE RINGS

Just got to...

Nadine?

No, she's fine!

No, she haven't been playing roulette!

LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTER

Please, I need your help!

Two vodka tonics coming right up.

If you come now, I will pay you double!

£1.50 change. Madam, you are next, I promise.

I will pay you triple! Please!

OK. Who's next?

And Michael knows nothing about it?

I could hardly tell him, could I?

"Michael, I've been in regular contact with the mother of your unborn child

"who you want absolutely nothing to do with."He's got to find out - sooner or later. - I know.

Hey, shouldn't you get going?

Oh, God, yeah. I'm not even sure Little Alan's packed yet.

- We'll send lots of postcards. - Yeah.

And don't let Alan do something stupid like hang-gliding or pot-holing!

- You know what he's like! - Oh, mate.

Two whole months!

I'm really gonna miss you, you know.

I'm gonna miss you, too!

Now, bugger off!

Carole, it is Jagadeesh again.

If you get this message, perhaps you'd reconsider... One minute, please.

...and come... One moment.

Please, come and help me. Please!

Jag, are you alright?

I cannot cope, Stella. I've taken on too much.

Right. You lot, calm down or you won't get served.

Billy Carr. You're next.

It's been so brilliant, seeing you tonight.

Like, such a shock.

I mean a good shock!

So, are you gonna walk me home, then, or what?

Yeah. Alright!

I'll get us a couple of burgers for the journey.

Hey! Cerys Ferris lives in a terrace!

You should do stand-up.

Only joking, Little Al.

- Little Alan! - Celia!

I've been calling you!

Your dad's been held up in Gloucester.

So Yanto's gonna take us to meet him there. Come on.

But I was gonna... Can I just say goodbye... No, love, we're late.

Ben, if you see Cerys...

BLOWS HORN

DOORBELL

Surprise!

Oh, babes, you shouldn't have

- Beyonce. - It's good to see you, Mike. You're looking hot.

I brought Stella's cardi back.

She lent it to me today at the hospital.

Good as gold, she is, fair play. Always looking out for me.

- You saw Stella today? - Yeah, she come to the scan with me.

What?

Anyway, say thanks and that.

I'll see her next week, most probs.

She brought this back.

She said you lent it to her when you went for the scan, for fuck's sake. Yeah.

She said you were, "Always looking out for her."

I can't not care about your baby, Michael.

I wish I didn't, but I do.

Stella...

It's a little boy.

Look!

- I'm going to bed. - Michael... I really don't want to talk about this.

Please don't let it spoil our evening together.

I've got so much to tell you. I got a job tonight at the pub...

Why does everyone in this town think it's OK to barge into people's houses?

I need to stay with you this summer. - What?! - What?!

- Celia, what's going on? - He says he's not coming on holiday.

I'm nearly 18. I know her and Dad like vanning but I can't stand it

and I'm not a kid any more!

- Where's Alan? - He's stuck in bloody - Gloucester! - We're going to meet him.

- Stella! - Oh, great Nadine.

- Once again, come on in! - Don't be disgusting.

Your Luke absconded with Genevieve today.

Took her to Cardiff today without so much a by your leave!

- Not now, Nadine. - I'll help around - the house. - She's picked up germs from one of them gamblers.

- Nadine! - What's Alan gonna say if I turn up without him!

I'm home!

Oh, my God! Ben!

Mam, I'm really drunk and someone's written knob on my head, see?

- Little Alan! - So can I stay, then, Stell? Can I? Can I? Can I?

- I don't know! - You didn't go vanning!

You stayed for me, even though I'm a total knob, look!

Well, actually, it's because... I love you.

We're gonna have the best summer, just you and me.

No poncy girls or girls or nothing.

We're gonna have the boys' summer, yeah?

- Calm down. - Calm down, get to bed and drink some bloody water!

What in the name of Michael Ball is going on?

Me and him have just been watching David Attenborough's what-do-you-call

but there's more wildlife happening in by here, by the looks.

And good God, what are you still doing here?

I thought you'd be traipsing round the country in your camper van!

- I'm going to bed. - Oh, Michael...

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Would you all get out of my house?

TALK OVER EACH OTHER

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Good morning. Ivan Schloss, international director of funerals.

No, we are not open yet for business.

Wednesday.

Well, can you keep her in a cool place for a couple of days?

Out of direct sunlight?

Good.

Eughh. People like you make me sick.

It's not natural.

Exercise do banish the demons and ward off disease.

Plus I've not been invited to this christening, and I don't want to look like I care.

Please put that filthy cigarette - out! - Don't start on me - I'm depressed.

That's as may be, Bobby Gittins,

but it's coming in through the letter box!

How's this baby gonna get christened if it's coughing in the vicar's face?

Alright, 'Dine?

- Everything ready? - Apart from the fact that I've not heard from Karl.

He was supposed to be here at seven this morning.

If he's had an accident and ruined his daughter's big day,

so help me, Stell, I'll never forgive him!

He'll be here now, you watch.

Your Michael have been down that allotment since the crack of sparrows.

Coffee?

Katie's gonna see us there.

She's really excited about France.

- Really. - You got plenty of carrots there.

I'll have to make a carrot cake, later.

I nearly lost you to Beyonce bloody Evans. Can't you see I don't want to have anything to do with her!

And she's mental!

She freaks me out, if I'm honest.

She's just young.

And a bit stupid and probably quite - scared. - Christ, don't defend her!

I'm not.

Look, I won't contact her again, OK?

Thank you.

I've ironed your pink shirt.

Are you gonna wear that with your - blue suit? - I'm not going!

Don't be daft. Everyone's expecting you.

They'll just have to be - disappointed, won't they? - It'll be a laugh!

What's with this Pollyanna attitude? "Cheer up, it might never happen." It's so annoying.

You think I'm enjoying this, do you?

People pointing at me when I go to the shops?

"That's the one whose boyfriend had a one-night stand, got the girl pregnant. She should leave him."

- Who says things like that? Who? - Or putting up with Beyonce and her nasty digs

and her big pregnant belly staring me in the face, reminding me what you both did.

It isn't fun, believe me.

I know.

And I'm sorry.

I feel so... ashamed, I suppose.

Yeah, well, get over yourself, Michael.

Cos when that baby arrives, he's gonna need your help

and you droning on about what a bad person you are don't do no-one no favours.

Oh. This is a disaster!

We'll never be ready in time.

Chill, Dad. It'll be fine.

What do you know? You're probably still drunk from last night!

Carole!

Let's get one thing straight. I'm honest as the day's long, me.

I don't nick from no-one and I never have.

I resent people thinking the worst of me cos I always think the best of them.

Accuse me again and I'll walk out of here and never look back.

But treat me with respect and I'll be as loyal as a butcher's dog.

Now, pass me that hoover. You've got the attachment on wrong.

- I'm so terribly sorry. - And so you should be.

You look hideous.

Thanks And you've still got knob written on your forehead.

It won't come off.

Do a comb over.

It's a really difficult situation.

And my dad can be so stubborn.

Well, that's men for you!

I don't suppose you'd have a word with him, would you?

We're not exactly friends at the moment.

Stell! Stell! What am I gonna do? It's Karl!

- Oh, my God! Have he died? - What?

No, but his flight got cancelled from Aberdeen.

He's not coming to the christening!

How could a father not come to his own daughter's christening?

Nadine, calm down. You'll upset the baby.

I'm as calm as a bloody duck pond!

Right. We'll just have to carry on without him. Everyone's gone inside, now.

Come on.

♪ And the little bitty babby boy

♪ Cried out with a gully lung and lay

♪ A sorry life for above me lives

♪ When the devil saw my dying maid

♪ Sing out to the one who betook my soul

♪ And cry to the one who betook my truth

♪ My money over the brook I'll row

♪ And chase out the devil with a drum-like roll

♪ Chase out the devil with a drum-like roll. ♪

BABY CHORTLES

Thank you, Lisa Howells and Idris for that beautiful christening song.

And now it's time to welcome Genevieve into the family of Christ.

Genevieve Brenda...

At least someone had the common decency to name their child after me.

Shh!

Genevieve Brenda Aprycot - with a Y -

I baptise you in the name of the Father

and of the Son...

...and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen and praise be to all the angels.

Stella?

Oh, it's lush, thanks, Marj.

It's like the one Luke got me, so I have a matching pair.

Ooh, we got you one like that. Exactly the same!

Tell you what, Stell.

Michael Jackson will be having a nice cocking bash with that niece of mine once she's popped.

GIRLS SNIGGER

I doubt it, Rhian.

Course she's annoyed at you!

One minute you're all over her, tempting her with a marinaded rib,

the next minute you leave her stranded at the barbie, branded a fool.

I know. I messed up.

Please, Jas, give me her number.

I've got a bit of intell for you, good boy.

- What are you on about? - See him by there,

pale-looking fellow in the corner sipping a Bloody Mary?

Yeah?

You'll never guess what he do do for - a living. - Go on.

Oooh!

Knock me sideways on a see-saw!

Katie!

I haven't been to many christenings,

but that was really weird!

Why aren't you at the party?

I'll pop back there later.

I just wanted to see you before I go to France.

Aw!

- Mum loves it. - Oh, I know!

The only problem is, she insists on speaking French... The whole time!

Let's just hope you meet some people your own age, otherwise you'll be seriously bored.

I've had nearly 18 years being an only child.

Just me, on the holidays in France, Christmas, birthdays, all that.

I know we haven't really... So do you have any idea how massive it is for me

knowing that in a couple of months time I'm gonna have a little brother or sister?

Katie-bear...

When I first found out about the baby, I thought I'd hate the idea of sharing you.

You're not sharing me with anyone!

But that's the thing. I'm looking forward to it!

In fact, I can't wait to show you off.

When did you get to be so wise, Katie Jackson?

A chip off the old block, mate!

Um...

It's a little brother, by the way.

Oh, Dad!

I'm gonna come back with you to the party. I need to see Stella.

Beyonce's there.

Good.

Well, you can never get enough photo frames

- It's just a token. - I can see that. Us local councillors don't get paid, you know.

I'm hardly rolling in it.

Especially since Brenda's Buses have bitten the dust.

- Christ, how drunk were you? - Don't start, OK?

- He was drowning his sorrows. - Cos of Lily?

Well, they've been drowned now, alright?

Little Al. Cheers, mate.

- What for? - You know, for looking out for me and that.

For not going on holiday.

I really appreciate that, like. Right.

Who needs girlfriends, eh?

Aw, when we've got each other!

Stella.

- He changed his mind. - Sorry!

Aw. Hello.

Aw, there's lush!

Happy families!

And what about me, Mike? Where do I fit in, babes?

She don't want no cocking trouble, - butt, alright? - No. It's a fair question.

Well, you're having a baby.

I'm his father.

And when he's born, I'm gonna do all I can to help bring him up.

- Are you? - Just so you know,

I won't be manipulated by you or buy into any of your sob stories.

My only interest is the welfare of my son. Is that clear?

- Do you understand? - Yes, I understand, OK?Good.

And are you taking any iron tablets? - Oh, yes! - I sorted that out for her.

- - And folic acid? - Yes, man! - You should still be taking that at seven - months. - Don't go on!

Everyone, can I have your attention for a mo?

I've got a few apologies from people for not being here today.

My sister Emma, as you know, is in - India. - Pathetic excuse.

- And Zoe's at her dad's. - Disgusting.

But we're all thrilled

to welcome Genevieve Brenda Aprycot - with a Y - into the family.

Are you taking the piss?

I've got something here to read out.

It's from Karl, it is, who obviously couldn't be here.

His own daughter's christening.

Gonna cost her a fortune in therapy when she's older.

Here we go. Um...

It's a poem.

"Genevieve, Genevieve, give me leave, my Genevieve,

"Higher than the light at night

"And bigger than a massive jar of Marmite

"Is my love for you, my little girl

"My youngest daughter, cleaner than a glass of water

"Genevieve, Genevieve..."Genevieve.

Give me leave, my Genevieve.

My big beast!

You came back!

- You came back! - Hitch-hiked all the way, I did!

To be here with my girls.

Karl, I knew you wouldn't let us down!

All this poetry is making me go a bit DH Lawrence.

I don't suppose you'd be interested in some prize marrow, would you?

- Are you alright, Stell? - Mam!

My, oh, my!

That IS a big one!

Yes, indeed!

Took a lot of hard work to get it that size!

GIGGLING

- Are you feeling fruity, babes? - What do you think I am, a lap-dancer?

I've walked in the name of the Manic Street Preachers. You don't stand a chance, Aunty Brenda!

I know what I'm doing, OK?You're gonna give in every time she asks for something?

Expensive shag, wasn't it, Mike?

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