Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome Erik Terrell.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Yeah, you know. Let them know I sold the tickets.

-Okay? -[ALL LAUGHING]

And the people that don't know me are clapping 'cause Brian's off stage.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Don't invite your co-workers

when you open, you can't...[CHUCKLES]

'Cause they're gonna be like, "You were good, but those other guys..."

Um, so, who here has, like, degrees?

Like education, where are the educated people here?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

[WHISTLES]

Y'all don't have degrees?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Y'all don't have... degrees?

I always like to start up a fight now.

How many White people I am better than?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Quite a few

in Center City.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Um, I'm Black. I...

You know, I've heard people say weird things about my culture.

I've heard people say, you know, Black people, we got exclusive shit.

Like we got our own TV stations, magazines, dating websites.

Blackpeoplemeet.com.

I like blackpeoplemeet.com.

I met my dad on blackpeoplemeet.com.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm just saying, it really will start a family, you know what I mean?

No, I'm joking. Great man. Great man.

My life is cute right now. I'm engaged, which is cute.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Life... Life has never been cuter. It's as cute as it gets.

Non-stop cuteness, all day, every day.

Cute. It's adorable, my life.

I tell you, my fiancee, she fell me at a weird place.

She fell me where I was just dating people.

Like, I just dated 'em. Big women, broke women women, I just dated them.

As so long as you didn't have something ugly on you.

-Like a penis. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

An Adam's apple or a mustache. Then we're good, you know?

I dated. I dated women with kids.

I dated women with kids.

As long as your kids aren't smarter than you.

I dated this one girl,

She said, "I have a huge family.

"I got two childs."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-No, you don't.[LAUGHS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

She said, "But we have to be careful.

"I don't want no more childs."

I said, "You ain't gotta worry about that."

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Got to worry.

I don't know how to make "Childs."

[ALL LAUGH]

[EXCITEDLY] "Is that an animal?"

And her daughter was there.

She said, "Mommy, I think it's children."

She said, "My baby's so smart."

I said, "No, bitch, you stupid."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Forgot you're already in, lady.

I date 'em. I date 'em. Dated older women.

-Love older women. -[WOMAN WHOOPING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I love 'em, 'cause older women like things that I like.

-Like sex. -[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

-Intellectual conversations. -WOMAN: Yeah.

And get into bed by eight o'clock.

-Yes! -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Ah, a thing I love to do!

Younger women, like, "Take me to Denny's,

"let's go to the club, drop my friend off."

-[GRUNTS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Older woman, like, "Let's have an intellectual conversation,

"screw me. Now let me finishLaw & Order.

-"Get the fuck out." -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Well, you are welcome, Gladys.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I've been a good boy.

Older women. You can...

You can go out with an older woman on a Tuesday.

Had a best fucking Wednesday of your life.

I'm at work, changing the air conditions, mopping the floors.

They're like, "Fuck's wrong with Erik?

-"Like, I think he was with Gladys last night." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What happens when he hangs with Gladys?

"Erik's got nine hours of asleep."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I've dated old...

I've dated old...

Yeah. I mean, like,

younger woman hang at Denny's at 3 a.m.

Looking at a fucking omelette.

She's like, "What you want to eat?

"I can't eat by myself. What you want to eat?"

"Bitch. Pussy, okay?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fuck, you think I've got an appetite at 4... At 3 a.m.?

You... Move the omelet, use sit.

-[GRUNTS SOFTLY] -[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]

"Gladys would have had it in my face by now."

Yeah, I've dated old. I've dated old.

I've dated old. I like a titty

I could just drape around my shoulder.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Like a snake.

It's like having two girlfriends at one time.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like a neck pillow. [LAUGHS AND SNIFFLES]

Aw!

Oh... Oh, my God. You guys all right?

-WOMAN: Yeah. -All right.

I don't want to mortify the kind White people up front.

You guys... You guys are cute.

Oh, man, I, um... Anybody like God?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Yeah. He's a cool dude.

So am I.

You know, you don't like Him, you love Him.

You either love Him or you going to hell.

That's how I feel about it.[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

I love... Yeah, I'm at a point where I love God.

One thing we can fix is church. Right?

Now, I'm there every week. Got to be there,

because I love God.

Now, there's rules that people don't follow.

That's what bothers me at churches.

Unwritten rules to like praising God in church,

and some people don't know the rules.

Like, one rule is you can't speak in tongues

if you're not bilingual.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is one lady in my church.

As soon as the pastor gets hyped,

she's gotta get hyped.

She's like, "Yes, God!

"Hallelujah!"

Mama-say-mama-sah- ma-ma-coo-sah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh,Shimola.

One day the pastor said, "Is God coming back?"

[LOUDLY] I said, "Is God coming back to you?"

She said, "Yeah!

"He's coming in a Honda."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Oh, Lord is coming in a Cadillac Escalade."

I said, "Pastor, she likes nice cars. I can understand."

She's faking it, Pastor.

One day she brought her 400-pound daughter to church.

This baby weighs 400-pounds in church.

Speaking in tongues like Mom.

She said, I think I wanna order

a cheesesteak, Lord.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Lord, I think I wanna order a cheesesteak, ketchup, easy on the mayo, God.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-Easy on the mayo, Lord! -[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]

Easy on the mayo!

I said, "Pastor, she likes dry sandwiches. I can understand."

She's faking it, Pastor.

No. Church is... Church is actually really fun.

My mom did that to me.

[SIGHS] You know, my mom, she's Black.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

In case, there was any speculation.

And she's a really... She did parenting well, I think.[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I mean, I think White parents, White mothers especially,

they took really good...

Take a good, hard, interventional, good television,

good Dr. Phil approach to raising their kids.

-My mama took more of a Muhammad Ali... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...technique.

Punch first, ask questions later.

[LOUDLY] Like "Hey, where you been all day?

"Where you been?

"Got me looking for you, where you been?"

"Oh, you coming from the kitchen? Mama, sorry."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"Be a tough boy."

Like, "Be a tough boy," is that gonna heal my black eye?

My mom act just like... Fuck that, my mama is Muhammad Ali, okay?

'Cause I found her in the kitchen one day dancing and talking trash.

She said, "Cry like a little girl, run like a slave.

"But when I catch that ass, well, you'll gonna behave."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IMPERCEPTIBLE]

Oh, man, I love my family.

I got a great, great uncle. Let me tell you something about my uncle.

I have a great uncle, my Uncle Fred.

My Uncle Fred, doesn't know the meaning of the word "Loud."

We're at my brother's basketball game,

my Uncle Fred's like,

"Defense! Hands up!

"Slide your feet! Defense! Hands up!"

I'm like, "Uncle Fred. Stop. It's halftime."

And Uncle Fred's the same way when he, like, praises God.

He's like, "Thank you, God! I knew you'd do it!

"You did it, God! I love you, God!"

I'm like, "Uncle Fred, stop! It's still halftime."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"God didn't do it yet, God's working on it."

And my Uncle Fred gives the best advice.

You know, that's... an uncle thing.

and his advice, though, just...

It starts off really insightful

-and it ends really bizarre. -[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

I'm leaving my uncle's house, I promise this happened, okay?

I'm leaving my uncle's house and my uncle's like,

"Nephew... when you find you

"a good woman, Nephew.

"Nephew, when you're courting

"this lady... nephew.

"Nephew, when you take this woman home, Nephew.

"Nephew... when you take this woman

"to your room, Nephew!

"Nephew, when you're stroking that beast!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Nephew... put a stroke in for me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"How did you make me listen to that, Uncle Fred?"

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

The worst. God.

You know, I tell you this.

I'm really... I'm really Black.

I have a lot of Black pride. I do.

Like, I overflow with Black pride, you know?

I'm like... One day I had so much Black pride,

I walked into Staples,

"Like, I want some black paper."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "We don't.

"Why...

"...would we have

"black paper?"

I said, "Why not?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He said, "Because you wouldn't see what you wrote."

I said, "Why don't you all have white pens?"

"Because we don't have black paper."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "See, that's the problem.

"See, why you got these black pens doing all the work,

while the white paper gets all the love and I'm sick of this shit?

-I just snapped. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "That's the reason black ink got no paper,

"''cause y'all got black working too hard

"for the white paper!"

-I lost my mind. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then I just backed out of the store like black paper.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

The guy at Staples, he actually felt bad.

He stopped me when I was leaving.

He's still wanted to make a sale.

He's like, "Hey, wait.

"All our staplers are black."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-"And they shoot very well." -I said, "Too far, sir!

"That's too far."

His manager jumped out of nowhere like,

"We got colored pencils."

"Too far!

"It's too far. Never coming back."

No. Black is awesome, I'll tell you... I'll tell you

an interesting thing. You know, the average Black person

doesn't give a shit about regular American history.

You ever noticed that?

Like, ask the White person "What's your favorite part of history?"

And they tell you, "You know, when Thomas Jefferson

"signed the peace assembly and the colonies united."

Ask a Black person, "What's your favorite part of history?"

"Fuck, you think is my favorite part."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

The Abe Lincoln part.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[PERSON COUGHS]

You know, you're talking to an ignorant ass White person

when they're like, "Yeah, what part was that?"

And they know they're talking to an ignorant ass Black person

when he's like,

"I don't know!"[CHUCKLES]

Signed emancipation, emaculation. You remember?

Rode the horses and shit.

You sawSelma.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, man. You guys are cute.

You guys...

So... I'm in a doubt now.

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] -Yeah.

A round of applause for me for... For aging.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, I'm not making new friends.

That's a thing that happens when you become that.

You know, it's just... It's just harder, you know?

The older you get, the harder it is to make friends.

Like, when you're a kid, you make new friends every day.

You wouldn't even need to know their name.

You're just like, "I'm a kid, you're a kid,

"catch this fucking ball."

You get older, you got to work at it.

Friends like teeth.

'Cause you lose a lot when you're young,

but you make a lot of new ones.

But when you lose your adult ones, they don't come back.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You just got to work

on the ones you got.

And eventually you lose so much time and money,

you let 'em fall out... Like, "Fuck it, I'll get some fake ones."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just some fake ones.

Just pretty enough to take out and show to people.

As long as you don't sleep well.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[APPLAUDING]

I miss being a kid.

I miss doing things that I could do when I was a kid.

Like... running around.

For no fucking reason,

bumping into shit.

When you're an adult, you got to play sports or take a job to run around.

You can't just... do it.

Like I can't just step in the post office

and take off.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, "What's wrong with you?" "I like stamps."

[GRUNTS] I could do that for 30 minutes

when I was a kid.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My dad's like, "Look at the boy having fun."

My mom's like "No, I think he's fucking retarded."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's what we were. It's just freaking...

'Cause these days everybody's got a diagnosis.

They're like, he's got ADD, she's got ADHD.

Back then, they're like "Erik... is fucking retarded."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No ADD?" "No, he's got that FR."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"How we gonna explain to his mother that he's got FR?"

"She says she knows. He bounced around over stamps for 30 minutes."

I wish that shit was out when I was a kid.

I wish I could come home with a diagnosis.

I come home with a C in math, like, "Mom, I got ADD."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She's like, "No, you dumb motherfucker.

"You can't add. That's the problem."

Like, "No, I got ADD." "What is ADD?"

""ADD. They said ADD."

She like, "I got a B-E-L-T." I'm like, "I lost it. No.

"I don't have it anymore. I felt it leave."

Whatever.[CLICKS TONGUE]

I'm trying, guys, you know.

You know what I'm trying to do most?

I'm trying to be a real adult.

I'm trying to be like a real adult.

You know, there's two kinds of people in this world.

There's two-job people and one-job people.

I fucking hate one-job people.

But not people who cry every night,

eat ramen noodles for dinner, sleep on the subway.

Those are real Americans.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I don't like people who have one job

and like their one job.

I hate 'em, 'cause I'm jealous.

I hate, like, you... You can...

You know, you got your salaries and your benefits.

You could decide when you want to take a nap.

'Cause us two-job people gotta stick our neck right in that window

from 4:00 to 6:00,

and if we wake up, eat, cry and leave.[CHUCKLES]

Two-job life, 'cause you know, I have...

I have... I love this job.

Comedy fills my heart.

But I have another job that fills my stomach.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause I need food.

'Cause if I just fed my stomach, I'd have a sad heart.

But if I just fed my heart, then it would stop.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause I need food.

Ah, one-job people, man.

You just don't understand.

The two-job life... Look, two-job people are real Americans.

And we're really Americans, 'cause we are fucking tired.

All day.

You wake up fucking tired.

You going to work fucking tired.

You get to work fucking tired.

You go back home fucking tired

and you take a nap,

and you're ready to go.

For the first time all day, you're ready to go.

You're so ready to go that you've got to go.

And where do you go? Back to fucking work!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you're fucking tired all night

and you going back home fucking tired

and you get home and you're fucking tired

all week, and it's Friday,

and you get to the bar and you've got to get drunk,

'cause you deserve it.

You know what happens?

When you mix all that alcohol with all that fucking tired?

-You fucking pass out. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then you sleep all weekend and you wake up Monday fucking tired.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's real Americans.

People with one job...

People with one job, got shit like

time on their hands.

"Like, I think I'm gonna do swimming on Tuesdays."

"I hope you fucking drown..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...so, I can apply for your position."

No. I love it.[CHUCKLES]

[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]

I'll tell you one thing I hate.

Uh, and this is it, and the hate part is over.

Like this...

Just one more, like, this is something that I truly hate.

I hate bugs.

-I hate bugs. Is this an insect hating room? -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I could feel the insect hate.

I hate bugs. You know what?

Because bugs are cowards. You jump up on them and they run away.

-Like, "Oh, my God, who was that?" -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where are the cracks in the wall?

"I don't have eyes.

"I can't... Why's he up?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All bugs are cowards, except for one.

And you know who I'm talking about.

I'm talking about this praying mantis.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Because, you know, when you get home from work, right?

Um, when you get home from work,

like, all you want to do is just go in the house and sit down, right?

I get home from work this one day

and go up my steps

and this praying mantis was on my door knob.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

I don't know what to do.

So, I, you know...

And this is why praying mantises are fucking gangsta,

because they have eyes. They can see you.

But he doesn't give a damn. He's...

Now, this is how this praying mantis

scared the shit out of me.

'Cause I started...

I started moving my hand back and forth,

trying to communicate

that this is my house,

and this is how he communicated back to me,

that you need to back your black ass up. This is what he did.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

I said, "I'ma use the back door, it's too stressful.

"It's too stressful."

[GRUNTS]

It's the worst.

I'm trying. I can't be a real adult if I try.

I can't.[CHUCKLES]

I can't do it.

So, another way I'm trying to be a real adult

is right is, I'm working out again, right?

You can't tell, yet.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Trust the process. Right?

-[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER] -I'm working out.

And... I want a gay personal trainer.

I said it, all right?

Yeah, I'm working out again and my new personal trainer,

my new personal trainer really pumps me up.

You know, the straight trainers don't put me up

like the gay ones.

Um, you know, and so, like, my trainer is excited.

As soon as I take my shirt off, he's like, "Hey, Erik."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"You gonna work out today, ain't you?"

He's like, "Yeah, Daddy. Yeah. Do that shit. Do that."

He does a split right in front of me,

catches my sweat with his tongue.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah, do that shit, do that shit.

"Come on, do that shit. "Bring your butt up, arch your back."

-I'm like, "Wait a second." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I think our session is over."

He's like, "Why, Daddy?"

"Because your dick is out."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't wanna lift that."

And my friends are like, "Man, you need

"a straight trainer, 'cause they hard on you."

I'm like, "Yeah, my trainer got pretty hard on me, too."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

You should have saw it. It was a sight to see.

I'm trying.

I'm trying.

I'm trying to be a real adult, 'cause, you know,

I'm from Philly, man. From Philly.

-MAN: Yeah. -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

That's right. I'm from Philly.

The thing is, that some people in Philly are too tough.

Now, you gotta be tough as an adult human being,

but you don't have to be too tough.

Now, I was walking down this one street in Philly.

This dude said, "Man, I was born in jail."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Well, you must have been a badass fetus."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He said, "Nah, man. I wasn't arrested in the womb."

He's like, he actually thought I believed that.

"But my mom got arrested and then gave birth to me."

I said, "Even more of a reason to leave your scary ass alone.

"Did your mom sell wheat for Pampers?

"That's a Philly-ass family."

-I'm trying to be tough. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm trying to be tough, man. I'm trying to be tough.

My friends don't even want to work out with me at the gym,

'cause they say I do kid workouts,

but fuck that.

Okay? 'Cause I get to the gym hyped.

Like, I get to the... Like, I galvanize

everybody in the room.

I get to the gym hyped, like, "Yo, let's go, fellas!

"Let's do this shit. I'm here, bitch!

"Let's do this shit. Everybody behind me!

"Let's go."[EXCLAIMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

You're not tough when you head moves when you do jumping jacks.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Let's go, bitches! On the floor!

"Let's do this shit.

"Whoo!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's butterflies for the people in the back. It's butterflies.

I'm trying to be tough. I'm trying to be tough.

The biggest thing is that I just wanna, I just wanna

know I can handle all of my altercations.

Like, I still have to think my way out of some situations,

and that's getting old, okay?

See, I'm at the club this other night and this dude,

this dude just bumped me.

He just bumped me, he's like, bam,

and he keeps walking. It wasn't hard bump, but I'm skinny,

so I got off balance, I was like, "What happened?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Now normally, I would say something to this man.

Like, "Listen... bitch.

"That right there, that is not

"why I should have been standing up to you at the time.

-"I apologize." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Let me know how to make it up to you. I'll take you out to eat,

"take your mama shopping, make it a family trip. I don't know."

That's what I would normally say.

But there's alcohol in my system,

there's people around.

So I pushed. I was like, "Bitch!"

It was a real skinny push, full body.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, I was tired

after I pushed him.

I was like, "Bitch!

"Is the bar selling Gatorade? This is ridiculous."

I push him, he falls back in my mind.

-And when he gets up... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

As the Bible says, "As a man thinketh, it shall be" or something.

So he falls back.

And he gets up.

He's like, "Let's go!"

So, you know, there's alcohol, people.

I said, "Let's go."

Now, right here is we're not being tough proposes a problem.

I'm thinking, "How do I get my bitch ass home?"

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Right?

But he's getting excited. I had to think.

He said, "I'm about to jack you up!"

I said, "Jack me up, Big Daddy."

-[CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Jack me up!

Jack me up!

Jack me up, Boubou.

-Go ahead. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You can jack me up all night.

Because I used what my trainer taught me.

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Thank you all so much.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Erik Terrell everyone, obviously!

Holy shit.