Original subtitles

♪

It's payback time.

(laughing crazily)

(laughing crazily)

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Roger: If you haven't heard,

my nephew, Cousin Leon's BCR expired.

After lice-related election fraud,

minor bumblebee pin theft, and some trivial rummaging,

he's back and better than ever.

I know you feel some kind of way about Cousin Leon,

but I'm all about giving people second,

third, fourth and even sixth chances.

He's family.

Would ya keep it the fuck down?

(hushed:) Uh, while Cousin Leon rests up,

here's Ollie and the Overstayers

with their least-played song,

"It's Getting Late and Your Couch Looks Great".

(soft country strings playing)

Oh man, it's been so hot.

Do you think it's gonna be a cold winter or what?

Hmm.

Hey, what kind of stuff do you like?

Have you ever tried lawn darts?

I heard pickleball is fun.

That's big in the white community.

Stephen Harper,

when does your baby start doing cool shit, man?

It takes time, Paul.

But I want to hang out with him.

Like, I want a bro and I want a baby.

I want baby bro, bro.

If you want PJ to be a baby bro,

then you need to be more connected.

And how am I supposed to do that?

Well, according to Dr. Tenderfeather,

babies need to be exposed to new experiences

in order to help stimulate brain development.

But I thought that's what Paw Patrol

and the iPad were for.

Get him outside, into nature's iPad.

That is a stupid idea.

Screw you, Steven Harper.

We should let the baby decide.

PJ...

where do you want to go?

PJ: Mama.

Well, there you have it. We're taking him to his mom.

You're late.

Blame the tides.

I'd rather blame the Cree.

Are you serious?

I told you when we broke up,

the Cree-Ojibway rivalry doesn't exist anymore.

Hmph.

Because your side's losing.

Lighten up, matey.

I'll lighten up

when I'm finished counting this inventory.

Are you saying I plundered your booty?

You could plunder somebody else's booty, Gale.

We're broken up.

Heave to. I'm a barge captain, Dean,

and we live by the barge captain code.

We never touch the cargo.

It's who me is and it is me who.

What are you, Dr. Seuss? You're just making shit up now?

Just sign here.

Fine.

(sniffing)

Smell you later, landlubber.

(truck doors closing)

See that?

- You mean your flashlights? - Flashlights?

Is that what you think those are?

Those are my tactical illumination devices.

Right. Sorry.

I'm talking about the paper.

That's a BCR form,

and I took the liberty of writing the name "Cousin" on it.

But mess up one more time,

and all I have to do is write the name "Leon" beside it,

and you're out of here.

The only reason I came back is to set things straight.

What do you mean by that?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

Sounds like a threat.

A threat?

I just mean Grouse Lake is going to get what it deserves.

- Well, there you go again. - There I go, what?

What you just said and how you said it.

How about this? When I'm done,

nobody is going to see this place the same way again.

- Holy crap, man. - What?! I'm just talking.

We're done talking, all right? Now is the time for watching.

I'll be keeping my eye on you.

Okay. Well... you haven't seen the last of me.

- There you go again. - What?!

(breathing heavily)

Be'b!

Not now. I'm in a meeting.

I tried to stop him, but he overpowered me.

But your baby asked for you personally.

"Mama" is the only word he knows.

You can't just barge in my office

and pass him off to me every time he says it.

But what am I supposed to do? He always asks for you.

And when I'm with him,

he just sits there and stares at me like some sort of... baby.

Dads connect with their kids, too.

You're the one with the doodoos.

I mean, I've got doodoos, but these ones are dry.

You don't need doo-doo.

You just need to spend time with him.

No, that doesn't sound right. Sad Chad, what do you think?

My house just flooded, so I think everything sucks.

Yeah. Does it always got to be about you?

(scoffing)

Just take him to the park. Now.

Fine, I'll go! Come on!

(sighing) Sorry, Sad Chad. Where were we?

I just lost my shoe.

One... Missing box.

Three.

Damn it, I knew it! She plundered my booty!

Hey, Dean, quick question.

Better be, man. We're at war with the Cree.

Where do you keep your fertilizer?

Oh, it's down the aisle,

by the accordions and the weighted dice.

Thanks.

I'm doing something big for the community,

and no one is gonna see it coming.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, you'll find out.

Cool, man.

Fertilizer?

He's up to something.

Dad's connecting with their kids?

Pfft! As if!

Show me one dad that's connecting with their kid!

There's two right there.

Fucking lucky.

And they don't even have doodoos.

That's some strange voodoo doodoo right there, man.

That's not doodoo voodoo. That's pure, uncut connection.

The good stuff. You'll get there.

Ni paapaa need me some of that.

(knocking)

Where's the cereal box, Gail?

Well, I don't know, Dean.

Did you check all the way up your ass?

Yeah, I did, actually.

- You did? - Look here.

One, two, missing box, three.

Wait a second.

"Three" rhymes with "Cree".

You think I took one cereal box?

Well, it didn't grow legs and fuck off on its own.

So, you're saying I broke the barge captain code.

You better apologize.

No way, man. We Ojibway, we never back down.

Then, I'm calling an embargo.

Oh, yeah? What is that? Like, Cree for, like, stealing?

No, you scallywag.

I'm done delivering to your store until ye spill an apology.

Embargo, eh? Why don't you embargo to hell?

I thought I was already there.

Mn'ehhh!

Awas!

So, your old ladies make you bring your kids here, too?

What? Our partners don't tell us what to do.

What?

We do this out of the sheer love of our kids.

Jasper, can I have a healthy snack?

Of course, sweetie.

You let your kids call you by your first name?

Dad is a title.

Jasper is who I am.

It removes the power imbalance.

Are you saying you haven't removed the power imbalance?

What? I mean, I remove power imbalances all the time.

Yeah, PJ doesn't call him anything.

He only knows 'Mama'.

So, what's your parenting philosophy?

You do have one, right?

Oh, that's easy. I do all the work,

so Paul can play video games.

I can speak for myself.

Stephen Harper does all the work, so I can play video games.

Just kidding!

(chuckling nervously) Just kidding.

So, you're a couple.

- Sort of. - No, we're not a couple.

Stephen Harper is my partner's ex and my baby's a sperm donor.

- So, he's the real dad. - No.

He's just some weirdo that just follows me around.

In fact, get away from me, you weirdo.

Now, if we're talking parenting philosophies,

I only listen to Tenderfeather.

You might have heard of him... her.

You read Dr. Tenderfeather?

Why didn't you just say so?

Does it even need to be said?

She's a cheat code for parenting,

if you play video games,

which I don't because I'm so busy watching my kid.

Well, we have daddy-and-me get-togethers every week.

You should come on by.

Hear that, Stephen Harper? They're called "daddy-and-me",

not "weirdo-and-me".

(kids and dads laughing)

(all laughing)

(laughing)

Look at you. You look so much like those cool dads.

Yep. I look real cool.

So, when are we going back to the park?

What? You're staying right here.

I'm going to the park. Cool dads only.

- (stroller rattling) - You know what?

Stay close, but not too close. Just in case PJ shits himself.

Boy!

Heard your business is tanking.

Yeah, man.

I'm beginning to think I'm taking this Cree-Ojibway

rivalry too seriously.

What? Really?

I'm thinking you're not taking it seriously enough.

Man, I'm running out of shit to sell.

Daga Sanaa!

Sometimes you gotta lose a battle to win a war.

You stop fighting, they're gonna take more than this store.

They're gonna take the entire Ojibway nation.

You gotta dig in deep.

You gotta stand your ground.

We're counting on you.

(whistling) There he is.

Now, that's a dad.

Is that tech-fleece?

Yeah. I pretty much wear this every single day,

except for yesterday when I met you for the first time.

Yep, I need full range of motion when I'm bending over,

wiping jeets, picking up toys.

Gotta stay loose for all those connections I make with my baby.

That's a beautiful approach to parenting.

Is that Tenderfeather?

Why, good ear, Jasper.

Oh. Which, uh,

Tenderfeather book is that from?

You... don't know which Tenderfeather book that is?

Um, I just, uh... (exhaling sharply)

Sorry about my friend. He's hungry.

It must be snack time.

Time for kale chips!

Here you go.

Yeah. (chuckling)

You too, PJ. It's your favourite,

Little Fatties Cheesy Balls.

But not too much, right, fellas?

- Is this some kind of joke? - 'Cause we're not laughing.

No. What? Who did this?

It was probably that weirdo, Stephen Harper!

Do you think?

He must be close.

Tenderfeather says to remove people like that

from your sacred circle of trust.

Yeah, and I would have, but I was so busy making connections.

There he is right now!

You got the stuff?

Yeah, we got the stuff.

Barrels, pipes, gasoline.

Nice work, boys.

You got our stuff?

Barrels, pipes, gasoline,

plus fertilizer?

I knew it. Something big is going down.

So, what's this all for, anyway?

Oh, you'll find out.

What do you mean by that?

It means you'll find out.

Holy heck boy, what do you think it means?

But why did he have to say it like that?

Everybody needs to lighten up.

How did you know I was here?

I followed you here... because I'm a weirdo.

Stay out of my sacred circle, bro!

Yes, I will do that. Do you still need me nearby?

I'm still sensing he's not fully out of your sacred circle.

I'm sensing that too, Carson.

If you really mean it, throw the cheese balls at him.

I think he gets the point.

Throw the cheese balls.

♪

(grunting)

Paul, why?

(Carson chuckling)

But why?

Nice work, Dad.

Tenderfeather would be proud.

Shelves looking a little sparse here, bucko.

Where's all the loot?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, really? Can I get some flour?

We're out.

- Sugar? - You know what? We're out.

Just say sorry, lad.

I got all the food I need, lass.

You think you can take the Ojibway down single-handedly?

Hah! Too bad. The land has all I need.

Heh. Picked these berries myself.

Took me all morning.

There's enough in there for one pancake.

Well, I be claiming it all.

Hilda: What is it? Some kind of ransom note?

That's exactly what it is.

Made a few of those in my day.

Looks like an invitation.

See? "Come out for a big surprise later today.

"It's gonna blow you all away."

Wow. Sounds like a banger.

I don't like this one bit.

Shut up, Lips.

Take a day off from narc-ing, will ya?

Yes. Yes.

Very good.

They're not gonna know what hit 'em.

Mud pies, eh?

Yeah. Yeah, man. Pregnant women love 'em.

Don't you think you're taking this Cree-Ojibway rivalry

a little too seriously?

Huh. That's a trick question, right?

You act like the entire Ojibway nation is on the line.

But you said you hated the Cree.

What?

My third and my fifth wife were Cree.

I got Cree kids. Why would I say that?

But you did say that!

I don't know what goes on in that head of yours.

So, what? You're saying I should apologize to Gail?

Yes!

You know, I stopped worrying about the Cree

when the white people showed up.

It's the Sioux you gotta worry about.

Wow...

You should have seen his weirdo face

when you hit him with the cheese ball.

He looked like he was gonna cry.

Yeah.

That was some pretty sweet ball-on-ball violence.

(flatulence)

(baby wailing)

Might want to change his diaper.

Nah, he's good. He'll just cry it off, man.

It's actually how they gain their independence.

Come on, I thought you guys were big Tenderfeather fans.

- (baby wailing) - We are,

but you better change him.

Oh my God, you change him.

(baby wailing)

I'm just kidding. Or am I?

(baby wailing)

No, I'm just kidding.

(baby wailing)

Phew, kids!

You see, kids are just like cars.

- (baby wailing) - Cars have tires.

Kids have diapers.

It's pretty much the same thing, right, guys?

(baby wailing)

Hey, you guys remember when I was funny earlier?

He doesn't know what he's doing.

- Yes, I do! - He doesn't know.

It's like he's never spent any time with his son.

(both chuckling)

Kids, get over here and laugh at this fake dad.

- (all laughing) - (grunting)

Stephen Harper!

(all laughing)

This guy's such a bad dad, he needs a second dad to help.

Is that your... manny?

(all laughing)

Listen, Paul.

These guys might be up on the latest fads,

but they're just a bunch of mean dads

who are just gonna raise a bunch of mean kids.

You don't want that for PJ.

Stay out of this, Manny.

This manny's gotta take care of two babies,

the big one and the little one.

I'm sorry, cheese ball, but these cheese balls messed...

with the wrong cheese ball.

You wouldn't dare.

Run, Stephen Harper! Grab PJ!

Get him!

(groaning)

Dean, I'm just gonna say it,

I'm sorry.

I did stiff you on one box of Ooh Wee Ohhs.

I must have fell off in the barge.

No, Gail. I'm sorry.

I broke the barge captain code. Losing your loot?

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go walk the plank.

If there's anyone walking planks, it's this guy.

I'm the only one keeping the Cree-Ojibway rivalry alive.

But the code...

Forget the code, Gail...

and forget the rivalry.

Aye-aye, Captain.

Hey, you hungry? Wanna split a mud pie?

I made it myself.

Sure, but I can't stay too long.

Damn Cree got another one.

Thanks, everyone, for being here.

I just want you to know

that I've been plotting this for a long time.

I smell gasoline!

And now that I've got you all here in one place,

you're finally going to get what's coming.

Blindfolds off.

(screaming)

Why are you screaming like that?

That's what I do when I see something so beautiful.

(crowd gasping)

I know I've messed up over the decades,

but think of this community garden

as a symbol for how I want to make things good.

Everyone, get down! There's a bomb!

Ho'leh! What are you doing, man?

It's here somewhere. Where is it?

Lips, man, give it a rest.

Where's the bomb?

The only one bombing here is you.

(all laughing)

Guy was looking for a boom and all he got was... bloom.

(all laughing)

(laughing) Be'b! You should've seen it!

They were kicking our asses real good,

but I didn't even cry once, right, Stephen Harper?

Stephen: That's right.

They'd still be kicking our asses now,

but I pretended to be dead.

Yeah, they thought they killed Stephen Harper

and they ran away scared.

(both laughing)

(coughing)

Shke!

You could put that under your pillow.

Paul: You hear that, PJ?

Oh, PJ.

Who's a good boy? Oh, da little boy...

Aww, my little PJ.

Uh, that's not PJ.

Oh, li'l PJ,

he's a cutie pie.

Rose: That's a lamp.

I don't know if this is the concussion speaking,

but I would take a thousand kicks to the head,

if it'd mean doing the right thing for my baby,

Stephen Harper, and my family.

Okay, let's get you to the nursing station.

♪ I, I will fight ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ I will fight ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ I will fight, yes ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Father... ♪