Original subtitles

Ah-chi!

Look at those big cheeks.

I should wake him up, he probably needs a change.

What's wrong with you, Stephen Harper?

You never wake a sleeping baby.

I paid for that bologna.

Give it back.

Paul Junior just woke up.

All: Ah.

You have 21 seconds. Times up!

Great, he's having nap-terrors again.

Oh, he must have got into PJ snacks.

I want my bologna.

I'll handle this.

Easy, Paul.

There, there. Nobody took your bologna

and nobody needs to get hurt.

(grunting)

Your dads are just horsing around.

(grunting)

♪ 'Cause I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Roger: This is Laughingstick in the Morning

and we're celebrating Agnes' birthday today,

and what a year it's been!

Her daughter, Jo, became National Chief

and lives in Ottawa. Ho'leh!

With Jo gone, Agnes had Paul's attachment chopped off

and reattached to the lodge so Chickadee can be close by.

That's two grandkids in the same house.

Everything's coming up, Agnes!

Hopefully the weather will hold up,

but, in the meantime, here's Sassy Molassy

and the Sassy Molassies with their hit song,

"Who Put the Sassy in My Molassy?"

This one's for you, Chief Jo. Good luck in Ottawa.

Everyone, quick! Get in here!

Paul Jr. is gonna put on a show.

(chuckling)

Yo, PJ the DJ. Drop that beat!

I said, PJ the DJ, drop that beat, yo!

Okay, that's enough. You're grounded! No back talk.

Are we done? I gotta get to work at the band office.

I packed your lunch and coffee's on the counter.

(kissing)

Don't worry, babe. He's only 18 months, okay?

Most babies don't even start spinning until pre-school.

I just don't get it. We worked so hard.

Give him time.

You were in diapers until you were nine.

Does anybody want anything else to eat

before I clean the kitchen?

Shut up, Stephen Harper.

If my baby didn't have your weird DNA,

we'd be making fat stacks in Ibiza right now.

♪

♪ That campfire is a whore ♪

♪ And it hurt so bad ♪

So, who wants to hear that song again?

Rose: Three times is probably enough.

Maybe we should start the meeting?

(groaning) Buzzkill.

Fine, you win,

but you know why they call a band office

a band office?

Because we're all like a band.

Lips, rhythm guitar.

Me? Lead everything.

And Rose.

(phone ringing)

Oh, that sounds like a job for the roadie.

Hey, this roadie isn't a receptionist anymore,

this roadie is an elected councillor.

Don't look at me, I'm rhythm guitar.

It's bad optics if the lead singer gets it.

Well, can we just hire a new receptionist?

It's Gripin' Season and everyone has a complaint.

But a roadie does a little bit of everything.

Drives the bus, carry gear,

make sure there's no uglies sitting in the front row.

I can actually play a mean slide-whistle.

Look at that, problem solved.

Let's hear that song one more time.

Hey, Rose, since you're roadie, can you grab me a soda?

Oh, fuck off.

♪

So, then I said to user 7845,

"I'm making finger tapping noises on a microphone,

so how is that woke?"

Are you listening?

Uh, yeah, totally.

Woke tapping.

Anyway, I wanted to talk.

Now? I'm kinda busy.

Man: Yo, Chickadee!

Oh, shit, one sec.

The fuck, I'm on a call, and you used the wrong door.

That's the door to the lodge, that's my door,

'cause I have my have own place.

Okay, take it easy slum lord.

(door closing)

Sorry, bad reception.

Maybe we should pick this up later.

Now's good.

S'that better then?

We brought fries, bro. They're so sturdy.

I thought you were alone?

Sorry. Bad Wi-Fi.

Chickadee, you're frozen.

Chickadee? I really wanted to talk to you.

Is that Tavis and Sophia?

Damn Wi-Fi.

Alright, gimme the fries.

We told you, man. We don't work until we're paid.

And we were promised five freezies.

You never mess with a man's freezies.

Listen here, little mans.

I told you, you get paid when the job's done,

and last I checked, job's not done.

Bro, are you ready?

We gotta get to the airport and pick up the entertainment

for my ma's birthday party.

Oh, yeah. We got the best

Lou Diamond Phillips impersonator in the biz.

Lou Diamond Phillips?

You got your mom a screwdriver?

No, Lou Diamond Phillips, the actor,

and we hired an impersonator to perform scenes from his movies

for Agnes's birthday.

Yeah, and not only is Lou Diamond an actor,

but he's the gold standard for Indigenous-ish roles.

He played all the coolest Indigenous roles.

Yeah. Not like today,

where you wussies have real Indigenous actors.

Yeah, man. He was Chavez in Young Guns,

he also played a deadly Inuk in Shadow of the Wolf,

and he was even Ritchie Valens in La Bamba.

Natives love him,

even though he's just a itty bitty tiny bit Cherokee.

Whatever he was, he had all of our hearts.

Yeah, white kids had Jesus up on their wall, but us?

Hm. We had good ol' lucky Lou.

(chuckling)

Check it out.

That's our guy.

Man, he looked so cool on a horse.

What the...

Guy, two Mississippis. Come on.

Yeah Man? More like weird guys.

We quit.

Man, dating a girl over the iPad is sick.

I can just, like, turn her off whenever I want to.

Oh, yeah, that's the ticket.

(knocking)

Other door!

(game beeping)

I thought you said you were busy?

(imitating whip crack)

Hey, listen, I see that you're mad,

but do you think you could use the other door?

(game beeping)

Oh, man, here he comes.

Alright, when he gets out, play it cool.

Yeah, man, I know. Two Mississippis.

♪ Bamba, bamba ♪

♪ Bamba, bamba ♪

♪ Bamba, bamba ♪

That's our Lou Diamond Phillips?

(all clamouring)

Everyone, please! Calm down!

Hey! She stole my gripe.

I was gonna tell everyone to calm down.

Yeah, Chief and Council sucks!

Deedee?

Sorry, I-- I got caught up in the moment.

You see what I'm dealing with?

(sighing) We need a new receptionist, asap.

Yeah, well, you better get on that.

I-- I got to, uh... I gotta go.

(phone ringing, crowd clamouring)

Seen this before.

The Stony Mountain riot of 1988.

This nothing like that, Hilda.

I dunno. When a riot brews, the big dog has to step up.

(phone ringing, crowd clamouring)

I could be that big dog.

Okay, guy.

I did this job for five years.

You think anyone can just stroll in and do it? Hm?

You know, it's people like you who think that

anyone can just waltz in here--

Hey, June Bug.

If this is a gripe, get to the back of the line.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, you're good.

No shit.

Paul: What the fuck?

He's supposed to be a diamond, not an old lump of coal.

Plus, he looks like a Crown Royal bag.

What are you talking about, bro?

Lou Diamond Phillips isn't bald.

So what, man?

Actors transform when they play characters.

Eddie Murphy didn't look like a Donkey when he played Shrek.

That was a cartoon, bro.

So what, man? The guy's a pro.

The guy is a no.

Hey, Stew.

Professional Lou Diamond Phillips impersonator.

Diamond Inc. Yeah, I do all the Diamonds.

Lou, Neil, Dustin, Mike from the Beastie Boys.

Nobody does Diamonds like Diamond Inc.

It's okay, man. You already got the job, bro.

(sniffing)

there's a little doubt on the big one.

Just not feeling that Lou vibe, I guess.

It's called acting, have you heard of it?

Well, then show me, then.

Nah, ah-ah. You guys got the Cubic Zirconia package.

That's one photo, one meet-and-greet,

plus a special Lou Diamond Phillips

scene for the birthday girl.

Anything extra costs extra.

You fucked us.

This guy's just a sickly white guy.

Sickly?

(chuckling) I was talking to him.

Alright, boys. Grab my bags and take me to the venue.

Right after this, I gotta do a Young Guns 2

for a Kookum in Sapotaweyak.

You get in the middle. Paul, you get in the back.

Statistically speaking, that's the safest spot.

(Paul groaning)

Easy, easy. You break me, you bought me.

So, you got the phone over there, pretty standard,

and we schedule everything on this computer.

Sorry, I don't do computers.

Okay, but they're kinda important.

These things are highly traceable.

I'm not going back to Stony Mountain.

Stony Mountain's a men's prison.

You calling me a liar, Cellie?

Okay, I have to go to Agnes' party now.

So, for now, just write everything down.

In prison we call that a kite.

(water pouring)

Oh, hey, Lips. You know the rule?

Last one who drinks the coffee has to make a new pot.

No, no, no. That's gen pop.

I'm talking about first day inside.

You gotta fight the wheel.

No wheels here.

We'll see about that.

Your place is smaller

and messier than on camera.

Yeah, I was gonna clean all day, but then these two barged in.

Why don't you two get out of here?

Good, because I wanted to ask you something serious.

Why don't you two get back here?

Don't you think you being here is risky?

Our families are enemies.

I don't care about that.

That Bittern and Buttern thing is so dumb.

Yeah, so dumb.

Hey, why don't you grab a controller?

We're playing God of Loitering.

Could we just have a second?

But we're just about to get kicked out of the mall.

I wanna talk about moving in.

(game beeping)

Moving in, hey?

Uh, but we gotta move out for Kookoo's party.

You said that shit's boring.

Yeah, because isn't that an old people party?

I never said that. What a stupid lie.

Why would you make up a stupid lie like that?

Fuck. Filthy liars.

Why don't you two just sit there

and think about the lie you just told?

(groaning) I'm so mad.

(game beeping)

Okay, okay.

'Kay. Beat it. Here comes security.

♪

Bros and bro'settes!

May I have your attention, please?

We wanted to do something special for Agnes,

because she's the best Kookum ever.

Here he is, and he wasn't cheap,

Stew Diamond Phillips!

(all cheering, clapping)

Who needs a Lou when you got a Stew?

(laughing)

Okay, there's enough Stew to go around.

Hey! Back up, back up. This Diamond's got sharp edges.

Now I'm looking for a white girl from the Valley.

Anyone see her?

Oh, pick me! Daga niin!

I was thinking maybe somebody more in the diamond section.

(guests gasping)

There's my Valley Girl.

(laughing)

Hello, Lou. I mean, Stew.

Here, these are for you.

Try to follow my lead.

Okay! Take it easy, guy!

(all laughing)

(cheering)

Stew, where are we going?

My dad said to totally stay away from fast boys like you.

(all laughing)

Just a little place called Make-Out Point.

Guests: Ooh!

I've totally heard of that place.

Nimaamaa! No! No, no, no! Don't go to that place!

Your dad was right.

Buddy, get off the road. Honk, honk!

- (gasping) - (laughing)

- (imitating speeding car) - (crowd laughing)

(thunder rumbling)

Hey, is now a good time to talk?

Uh, yeah, for sure.

I'm just thirsty as shit and my mouth is pretty dry.

Oh, I'll get you something to drink.

Chickadee?

She fuckin' greased me.

(thunder rumbling)

Like Make Out Point is totally beautiful or whatever.

Not as beautiful as you.

That's why I wrote you this song.

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

Okay, everybody, give it up for Stew Diamond Phillips

and his fast hands. Great job!

Ho'leh heck boy! You're just killing it!

You need to relax.

If he's late, he's gonna charge us double!

No, no. Stew can make time for this.

(gasping) Yeah, you paid a lot of money for Stew.

Why don't you let him finish it?

But, Ma, my birthday picture.

Uh, how about later?

How about now? (laughing)

As you all know, every year I paint a picture for my ma

and it's basically the greatest moment of her entire life.

Sorry, Stew, he does this.

Happy birthday, Ma! (chuckling)

(guests exclaiming)

More Stew, less art.

It's beautiful, Paul.

You're always going off about Stew,

but what about me?

Hey, Paul'blo Paul'caso, I'm on the clock here.

You're about to get clocked.

Oh, is that a threat?

(grunting)

(gasping)

Hey! Give that back!

Show's over!

Yeah, you heard him. Show's over.

We haven't done our meet and greet.

Or the autographs.

I want my intimate photo!

I still get paid the exact same amount,

plus damages to my necklace.

Stew, no planes are flying in this weather.

Stay the night.

I bet you he would love that.

Yeah. You know, you're right.

It does look kinda bad out there.

It's okay, bro. I got a plan.

(thunder rumbling)

No, no! You read my contract! In the event of bad weather,

you have to provide accommodation.

That's crazy!

You have another party to get to.

Yeah, you want to break the heart of that Kookoom

in Sapotaweyak?

No one does Diamonds like Diamond Inc, remember?

Well, where's this pilot?

Uh, here he is. I got him on the Buy and Sell.

This guy can fly planes?

Hey, relax. It's just an infection.

Yeah. He can see fine.

Well, not really.

I don't know.

Tell you what. Heads you stay, tails you leave.

Alright.

I think it said tails!

Really? Damn it. Alright. Let's go then.

This way, bro.

(dog barking)

Oh, shit.

How did you get in here?

Through the door.

Which one?

Would you give it a rest with that?

Alright, I'm sorry. Have a seat.

I guess, um...

I'm just scared I'm going to let you down.

I like my fuck-around time and I don't want to fuck up.

I don't want you to change. I want you to be Chickadee.

You wanna be here with me even if I'm just me?

Yeah, every day.

You're sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Alright then. Let's celebrate.

With lard and bannock.

I'll grab the lard.

Only the deadly ones do it though.

That's fuckin' good.

- Yeah, right? - Mm-hm.

(crowd clamouring)

One at a time, please!

I got a complaint about the dam behind Elma's house.

The beavers are making it weird. Giiwishkwe amikwag!

Sorry, Gramps, didn't mean to overhear you.

Next time you wanna see Rose,

you make sure you come see me first, hey?

Right, right. Rose, my apologies.

I will call ahead next time

to make an appointment.

Gripin' Season is officially over.

(phone ringing)

Holy shit, Hilda.

I think this might just work out.

I think you made the right decision.

Just remember, I get paid in

hard boiled eggs and noodle cups.

♪

(music stopping)

We interrupt this song for some breaking news.

As the bad weather picked up late into the evening,

Stew Diamond Phillips' plane went down in Bloodvein.

Details are sketchy.

We'll have more information as it becomes available.

I don't know what to say.

Heartbreaking news like this deserves a heartbreaking song.

♪

Stew!

(crying)

Roger: More breaking news about the breaking news from before.

Stew Diamond Phillips plane technically did go down

in Bloodvein, but only because it landed there perfectly.

My mistake.

I really should read all of the words in front of me.

So we ran up a hill for nothing!?

Yeah, man, but at least Stew didn't die.

At least you two aren't going to jail for murder.

Yeah, but we still ran up a hill though.

Come on, little buddy! Hop on the ones and twos.

Show 'em what you got. Make papa proud.

Uh, hey, babe, maybe take it easy on him.

Nah, he's got this.

Sometimes you just have to let go.

(sighing) Yeah. You're right.

We'll just sell all his DJ equipment on the buy and sell.

Mm.

It was never his dream, anyway, just yours.

Yeah, fine. We'll just let him play with his trucks

that he loves so much.

Mm-hm.

♪

♪