Original subtitles

Greg: Dean...

Yeah, man?

Greg (whispering:) Dean...

The fok?

- Hey, buddy! - Greg!

You're freaking me out, bro. Where did ya go?

Greg: Well, I'm over here.

And if this is me...

Whoa.

Greg: Then, who am I?

- Hey, Dean. - Greg! Hey!

Hey, man, you look like a...

male goth stripper.

Uh, close. I'm an illusionist now.

Greg the Mindblower!

Dean: Wow.

So, what do you think?

How did you do all that?

A magician never tells.

At least tell me how you made me piss my pants.

I-I didn't do that.

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

My role model is

Moving Robe Woman - a Hunkpapa Sioux warrior

who killed two of Custer's men.

That woman was a badass.

(applauding)

Excellent job, Chickadee. Next.

Bittern, Paul. Wow me.

All right, fine! I'll do it!

(growling)

(clearing throat)

Hello. Uh...

And my hero is, uh...

is, uh...

uh...

Well, looks like you didn't do the assignment.

Someone who's in the movies,

but not as an actor, no!

As a stuntman

from beautiful Sacramento.

He's my white dad, and his name is Tobin.

Girl: Wait...

He and my mom have different dads.

Oh, cool.

I was gonna tease the shit out of you.

One time, he even got shot out of a cannon for Linda Hamilton.

- Class: Ooh... - Yeah.

I'd call him right now and prove it to you guys,

but he's so busy,

probably flying through the air

like a beautiful Caucasian eagle.

(applauding)

Stop it.

Ooh, another? Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

Package for Chief Jo.

It says it's from "Your love".

Wait. Why is he giving me a gift?

I think he likes you.

No shit, Lips.

- Surprise! - (screaming)

(gasping)

Happy one-month anniversary.

Lips: This box has been sitting over there all morning.

Logan: The chocolates might have melted.

It's so hot in there.

Wait. What-- What is this for again?

Our one-month anniversary as lovers.

Oh, yeah. Um...

That's beautiful, Logan. Right, Jo?

Ye-- Yeah. Sorry.

Thanks, Logan. (chuckling nervously)

- What did you get him? - Oh, no. It's okay.

She doesn't have to get me anything. Her love is enough.

No, no, no, no. I-- I-I got you something.

Uh..

High five!

Oh, okay.

I was just kidding. Double high five!

Oh...

(both chuckling)

Oh. Uh...

So, for the first few weeks, I was just wandering around

from town to town, trying to figure out who I am.

Until finally, the blisters and the heat exhaustion got so bad

that, well, I passed out and wound up in the hospital.

Whoa! So, that's when the doctor turned you into a wizard?

Uh, no.

But the guy in the bed next to me was an illusionist.

Yeah, he had been badly burned from a trick gone wrong.

And when he got out, he trained me.

Said I was the best student he ever had.

Oh, man, people are gonna lose their shit

when they see your spells.

- Huh? - Hey, youse guys.

Bro's back to town and he's a warlock now.

Mindblower...

blow their minds off.

Just one problem, Dean.

I have never performed in front of anyone before.

Bro, you just invisible-ized in front of me.

Just do that again, but for them.

Okay.

Hi there.

Uh, Greg...

Mindblower.

And for my next trick, I am going to, uh, disappear.

Cool, right?

Well, fok you guys, then.

Logan's brought me so many damn flowers lately,

this office is starting to look like a funeral home.

I don't get it.

Why do I hate all this attention?

I know what's going on here.

Dr. Tenderfeather has really been helping me understand

my relationship with Paul.

- Who? - Paul, your brother.

Anyways, according to Tenderfeather,

your love language is bear -

acts of service.

Now, Logan's love language is otter -

gift-giving.

Well, if he wants to love me so damn much, wash my truck!

(phone chiming)

"Help, medical emergency, come quick"?

I gotta go!

Logan, are you okay?

It's my heart...

and it burns for you.

Uh...

And what better way to express my burning love for you

than a little something called song?

(playing scale)

Oh. Uh...

♪ Jo, you're the one ♪

♪ Fo-sho ♪

Please stop. You don't have to do this, uh.

♪ You're even sweeter than cookie dough ♪

(snapping along to synth drumbeat)

Sax solo.

(playing saxophone)

♪

(door opening)

(saxophone continues)

(sniffing)

Aah!

You freakin' creeper!

Bet you're surprised to see me.

No, not really. You're the principal

and this is your school. Duh!

Well, maybe this will surprise you.

With the help of this little thing called the...

internet?

I was able to follow your trail of BS

right to the source.

Tobin?

Paultholamew!

My white dad!

How is that for a stunt? (laughing)

(continues laughing)

This proves nothing, Sweetley.

It really is nice to see you, Dad.

Hey, Paul. Missed you, buddy. So, what's going on?

I was told that Paul needed a date for the father-son dance.

Oh, so you lied to get my dad here.

Sometimes, to catch a liar, you have to stoop to their level.

So, Tobin,

Paul tells me that you're a big

stuntman from... Sacramento.

Yes.

Yes, actually, yes. I am a stuntman.

Big stuntman. Biggest stuntman in the world.

No, that's too big. North America!

Lot of North America. I'm a stuntman from San Fran--

Sacramento.

All right,

let's see a stunt, then.

He can't!

Because... his...

cannon is in the shop!

Correct again, Son. Yes.

Oh. Any old stunt will do.

He doesn't need to do a stunt to prove that he's a stuntman.

That's exactly what the son of a fake stuntman would say.

Well, there it is. Strike five!

Paul fails.

Wait. Actually...

...I do feel a little bit of a stunt coming on.

Dad, it's okay.

Let's see a stunt then.

Okay, then.

Here we go. Here we go.

For my next stunt, um, I will... uh...

See that ladder over there?

Well, for my stunt, I...

I will climb that ladder.

I will climb the ladder, to the top, mind you.

Right to the top.

You call that a stunt?

Wait, there's more.

Once I'm on top of the ladder, I will leap into the air,

gracefully!

Of course, and I will break through

that conveniently placed table,

so that it folds on me on both sides.

I call this stunt the Table Taco.

Some people say 'ta-co'.

Sounds, uh, deadly to me! (chuckling nervously)

All right, let's see it then.

Paul... will you take my glasses?

All right, on the count of three.

One, two...

Audience: Ooh!

- My God. - No.

Oh, I don't think that...

Dad, let me help you up.

Oh!

Does Grouse Lake still have that nursing station?

I'm going to need, like, 47 nurses.

No, maybe just one giant doctor.

(Tobin shrieking in pain)

Elders...

grab a hold of your Indian Affairs glasses

because the buttoned-down, corn-fed,

marshmallow motherfucker that you once knew is now...

the Mindblower!

The Mindblower!

This better be good.

Okay, uh... imagine

a world where life--

Hilda: Louder!

...where life is illusion

and illusions are life.

Talk right.

Just do your wizard trick, bro.

Good idea.

Okay.

What? Are we going to play cribbage now?

Okay, just-- Hilda, just give me one second, okay?

Pick any card you like.

Great. And now, put it face up on the deck.

Oh, yes. And now,

with a little bit of magic... (clearing throat)

(blowing) Take a sip of your coffee.

- Oh, that's a big-- - Hilda: Oh!

- (coughing) - He's choking!

Just wait.

Louise: Ana'o.

Is that your card?

Oh, boy, you could have killed me!

That kind of trick could get you shanked in Stony Mountain!

Good job, bro. You wizarded!

Dean, I almost killed someone. I-- I told you I'm not ready.

I...

- Oh! - (gasping)

Oh, poof!

There goes the Mindblower into thin air.

(gasping)

Tobin?

- Agnes! - We can't.

We mustn't.

We agreed that you would stay away

because the sexual energy is too raw.

So powerful!

What the fok is going on here?

I guess that you're old enough that you can know

why your real dad has been away all these years.

And those reasons are sexual.

Very... sexual.

(rock music playing on radio)

(Agnes speaking Anishinaabemowin:)

Tobin: Hi there. I was, uh,

hoping to get permission to, uh...

bird-watch.

Did you say "bird-watch"?

Mm-hmm.

Tobin: When Agnes told me she was pregnant,

I was already chasing parakeets

in the sub-Antarctic islands of New Zealand.

And the rock and roll birder lifestyle

is no way to raise a child.

That's why I always send bird postcards every year,

so you know that you're always in my heart.

I love those.

I'm sorry for breaking our pact Agnes.

It's just that, when your son's principal calls

and says he needs a date for the father-and-son dance,

you get there, you get there right away.

You always did act fast.

Fast. Fast...

I'm over the top. I'm over the...

- Nope. No, no, no. - (moaning)

- (both moaning) - Okay!

Ma! Pa, come on, let's go!

Oh, Paul, get him out of here

before your baby has a new uncle.

Why can't you just be a normal dad and be in prison?

Agnes...

Agnes!

So, you're gonna do your work

from the janitor's closet all day,

just to hide from the guy you're dating?

Yeah, that's right.

You know, communication

is the hallmark of every good relationship.

Again with that damn book!

Jo, you need to learn to be vulnerable and communicate.

I can communicate just fine.

See?

Oh. Hey, Lips. Uh, hey, Chief.

Big coffee spill in Finance.

Yeah, and?

I'm gonna need your desk.

(sighing)

You know lots about birds.

Yes, Paul, but it's both a blessing and a curse.

Birding's no life for a kid.

The ins and outs of towns and trees,

the constant bird flu, the groupies.

My God, the groupies...

I'm not mad at you.

I guess I do have a lot of guilt.

I was as rare for you

as the blue-eyed ground dove was for me.

You're a great dad. You lied to Shitley for me.

Hey, what are dads for?

- Gotcha! - Shitley! What the hell?!

I heard everything.

Tobin's no stunt man.

He's a birder.

Birding is full of stunts, actually.

I knew you'd try to weasel out of it.

So, I ordered a cannon online.

Same-day delivery.

What? A cannon?

That's insane!

Would an insane man set up that cannon down by the river?

- Both: Yes. - Yes, they would.

See you at the river, Tobin.

See you there, Shitley.

Hard. Hard.

Hey, Jo, I've got a visitor for you.

Lips, what the hell?

- Logan: What's going on? - (stammering)

There's a bandit on the loose and we couldn't find him, so--

Lips: Jo, remember what Tenderfeather said.

Great book, by the way.

What is it?

High five?

(sobbing)

Dean: (sighing) There, there. Come on.

I'm just not a performer, Dean.

I have all the charisma of wiener water.

Whoa-ho, hey!

You say what you want about yourself,

but you leave wiener water out of this.

I don't know, Dean. (sighing)

Hey, man, your tricks are awesome.

You just suck at doing them.

That's half the job of an illusionist,

Dean, is selling the tricks.

Hey, if anybody can sell anything,

it's Yeah Man's Gregory Northstore.

Come quick.

They're gonna shoot an old man out of a cannon.

- What? - And he's white.

Dean: No way!

Lead the way, little dude.

I don't know about you, Grouse Lake,

but I've dreamt about watching a white man

get shot out of a cannon!

Audience: Yeah!

Yeah!

I'm ready.

Three, two...

I love you, Son!

Wait! Stop!

Taga, boy! Don't take this away from me.

My dad...

isn't a stuntman.

- (audience gasping) - See?! I told you!

I fucking told you!

But do you know what?! I don't care!

Sure, he's a little small and a little wiry and yeah,

he looks a little sickly.

Sickly?

But I am not embarrassed.

My white dad is a birder

and that's cool as shit.

Enough self-discovery! We came here to see a stunt, fok.

Audience: Yeah!

Stunt! Stunt! Stunt!

- Wait! - Stunt! Stunt!

What if I shot myself out of the cannon?

Would you take back my strike?

That could be really dangerous.

So, yes.

We want to see the big boy fly!

Audience: Yeah!

- Are you sure, Son? - Yes.

I'm ready to be a dad now.

Roger: Technically,

Paul is half-white, so this still works!

Audience: Yeah!

Audience: Yeah!

♪

(explosion booming)

Aah! Owie! Owie!

(screaming)

Tobin: Are you okay?! Are you okay?!

No! I am not okay!

We were promised a show.

Throw the cannon in the river!

Audience: Yeah!

Yeah!

Everyone, settle down!

They came here for the show, bro.

You know what you gotta do.

- (Jo groaning) - Logan: Jo, what's going on?

(whiney:) I just need a break.

You're Chief.

Just use your vacation days.

No.

I mean from you.

Don't get me wrong,

the past month has been amazing.

It's just too much, man.

Okay.

It feels like an "it's not you, it's me" is coming on.

(sighing)

In Dr. Tender-whatever's book,

she says that we're just too different.

So, you don't like my song

or my gifts,

and now, you don't like how I am when I'm in love.

Is there anything you like about me?

- It's not like that. - No.

I know what I want.

It's you.

But... maybe we should take that break.

I'm proud of you, Jo.

Imagine a world

where life is the biggest illusion of them all

and what appears to be real...

is just a dream.

(audience oohing)

(audience oohing)

He wasn't shot out of a canyon,

but there's a white guy in the sky.

Ho'leh!

Who the fuck is this guy?

"Who the fuck is this guy", you might ask!

It's Greg the Mindblower!

Whoa!

Mindblower!

That's my wizard.

- (wind gusting) - Oh!

Listen, Dean,

I've been thinking. My place is out there now.

You're leaving?

Yeah, man.

Wow.

You really are the Mindblower.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

And remember,

life is the biggest illusion of them all.

(chuckling)

Greg, man?

Goodbye, Mindblower.

Go blow some minds.

I guess I should hit the road.

Oh, hey, we never did get that father-son dance.

It's never too late.

No, it's not too late.

(soft music playing)

♪ Daddy's girl, daddy's girl ♪

May I?

You may.

♪ I'm the centre ♪

♪ Of Daddy's world ♪

♪ I know I'm Daddy's number one ♪

♪ For he loves me like I was his son ♪

♪ Daddy's girl ♪

♪ I recall the day I took you to a baseball game ♪

♪ You brought along your baby doll ♪

♪ And half its baby things ♪

♪ We sat there a-playing house ♪

♪ While the Dodgers played the Braves ♪

♪ And everyone in the bleachers ♪

♪ Looked at us as if to say ♪

♪ Daddy's girl, daddy's girl ♪

♪ I'm the centre ♪

♪ Of Daddy's world ♪