Original subtitles

(phone ringing)

Chickadee: Kookoo. It's an emergency.

I'm at Uncle Paul's.

I need snacks...

and a blanket.

Kookoo. I'm gonna freeze to death and die of no chips.

Kids these days.

You know, when I was younger, on a nice day like this,

I'd be out there running around with my friends.

I am outside with my friends.

Ho'leh!

We're playing this game called Rez Simulator.

It simulates the Rez.

They just released the new season, spring.

The DLC allows you to frolic in the bush. No cap.

I'll no cap you until you're actually outside.

Kookoo, it's 2024.

Nobody goes outside anymore.

Agnes:

Internet. You're going down.

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

(Roger speaking Anishinaabemowin on radio)

Is it because I'm always here,

and so the most obvious person to hold on to them?

No!

It's because I'm as trustworthy as brakes on a car,

straps on a bra, gossip on the internet.

While I guard these keys with my life,

here's Johnny Innocent and the Offenders

with a timeless classic,

- "It Wasn't Me (This Time)." - (music playing)

Yup, Stephen Harper and Rose are headed to Winnipeg

for a medical appointment.

I'm gonna play so many video games

and eat so much snacks.

- (bell ringing) - Let's go. Phones away.

Paul, stop leaning on the chair.

That's the last one you're getting.

Whatever. I'll just sit on the floor, then.

You'll probably break that, too.

Mn'ehh. Probably.

All right, summer school prisoners.

Your assignment this week,

you'll be taking care

of a baby doll for 24 hours.

An important life skill is to learn

to look after small things.

These dolls are like real babies.

They cry when they need attention.

You feed them when they're hungry,

and you change their poopie diapers,

just like Paul's mom still does for him.

No, she do--

For you...

(speaking Anishinaabemowin)

What the hell, Sweetley? This is not fair.

This baby's janky as hell!

If that doll comes back in anything less

than perfect condition, that's strike four.

Have you even watched baseball before!?

Hm. All right.

Listen here, you little shit.

You better not fuck around with my fuck around time.

- (doll gagging) - Yoho!

So, we all know that the young people have been spending

too much time on those screens and not enough time outside.

Always laying around like they're melted to furniture.

Well, I've got a plan.

Okay.

So, we distract Lips,

and we sneak into the band office.

Steal the keys from Roger,

and then we break into the internet room,

and shut off the internet.

What?

Agnes, are you serious?

That's too big a job!

We could do it together.

I've got the plan. You've got the muscle.

Well, Louise, she's sexy as hell.

So, just the three of us for a job this big?

Easy peasy meezey.

I don't know. We're missing something.

Like a... a real wildcard.

Someone a little crazy.

Like, I'm crazy,

but we need someone crazy-crazy.

(speaking Anishinaabemowin)

Not a drop.

Customer: I'll take a pack of gum, a scratch ticket,

and something's wrong with your white guy.

Dean: Oh. No, man, he's just like that.

Customer: You sure?

Dean: Yeah, that is a little un-Greg-like.

Hm.

Hey. You good, bro?

Yeah, man.

Seems all right to me.

I named mine Robo-Cop.

Beautiful, man. Mine's Knuckles.

(chuckling)

Sick, mine's Gord.

That's sweet. Baby Uncle.

Watch out, ding-dongs! (snickering)

What'd you name yours?

I named mine Field Goal.

(grunting)

(laughing)

(doll crying)

Keep it down, Robo-Cop's trying to have a nap.

What's that noise?

Hopefully none of you kicked yours into the locker!

By "kicked into the locker" you mean

"gently put away for a nap,"

then, yeah, I kicked my baby in the locker.

There it is. Ah.

Sweet little baby.

Oh, so cute.

- Mm-- Ow! - (zapping)

Fucking shitty little baby!

Kids aren't easy, are they, Paul?

- It's okay, little guy. - (doll giggling)

Your dad's gonna fail so hard.

Yes, he will.

(doll giggling)

Yes, he will.

Rita, listen. Do you hear that outside?

No.

Exactly. It's a gorgeous day, but guess what?

Not a kid in sight.

Yeah, they should be playing and running around

and beating each other up,

and getting wood ticks in their-- in their buttholes,

and being chased by dogs and falling out of trees,

getting splinters stuck in their--

Yeah, like we did!

But now, nothing!

They're all on the computer.

I ain't working with Agnes 'til she apologizes!

For what?

Took my man!

Who?

Big Tooth Kev! 1988!

I never snagged him.

His tooth was too big.

Hilda.

Hey, I never snagged him, neither.

Ah, his tooth wasn't that big.

All: Louise!

Well, if we count every big-toothed man I snagged,

we'd be here 'til Christmas.

Hey, you lose a man to Louise,

he was never yours to begin with.

Eh.

Okay, I'm in. What's the plan?

(clapping) Simple job.

In and out. Nobody gets hurt.

No promises there.

Aniin. Can I get some help here?

I don't know. Can you?

You know, man. Just take it.

What was that, bro?

You stock the shelves, people buy the things,

they leave, you stock the shelves.

Nothing matters. Time is a flat circle.

Yeah, I know. Duh.

No, no. You--

You just don't get it.

Whoa, bro! You just dropped your vest.

That's where all your powers are, man.

(doll crying)

Paul: Shah!

Wah shay shay!

Oh! All right, fuck this.

(grunting)

(doll crying)

Time to shut this squawk-box off.

(knocking)

Sweetley: Hey, you'd better not be dismantling dolls in there.

Fuck you, Sweetley.

If that things comes back to school in anything

less than perfect condition, strike four.

Shouldn't you be in bed?

I was.

Until I read your Chat Talker post.

You printed out the internet?

The screen hurts my eyes.

Get some new eyes!

"Looking for someone to watch a dumbass baby doll

from school.

Don't tell Principal Shitley."

I was hacked!

Either you raise that doll yourself, or you fail.

Fine, then. I'm gonna love the shit out of that robot baby!

So, you'd do a good job raising that baby just to spite me?

Oh, yeah. Real lovingly.

Now, get out of here.

(growling)

All right. If I'm gonna be a for real dad,

I better get some practice in.

Welcome to the family, Small Paul.

Roger on radio:

That was Key Willy Willicker with

"You Lost the Keys to My Heart."

- (grunting) - (shutting off radio)

What a beautiful day

to stick it up Sweetley's ass.

(chuckling)

Ooh, good morning. (chuckling)

(cooing)

- (laughing) - ♪ I recall the night ♪

♪ That you came into this world ♪

Doll: Papa?

Come on, come on.

- (doll farting) - Ooh! Ooh-wee!

- (laughing) - Doll: Papa? (cooing)

All right, you did it.

Hey. I got here as fast as I could.

Yeah, the lightbulb burnt out.

We all tried to fix it, but our joints are too sore.

Not a problem.

Right this way.

♪

Here's your problem.

Light wasn't burnt out at all.

Looks like it was loose in the socket.

Almost as if somebody with delicate hands spun it

just enough to not work.

There.

Uh, and another thing.

Might you help a frail old lady like me

open this jar?

Sure thing, but I do got a lot going on today, though.

Man.

It's almost as if somebody crazy glued

this thing shut or something.

Yeah. Weird.

Real weird.

Hey, uh, Dean. About yesterday--

Oh. Hey, man. Look, if people want to save money

buying rotten meat, who am I to say no?

No, I, uh, I meant my behaviour.

I was totally not cool and--

Oh, yeah. Hey, listen, on an unrelated topic,

what is E. coli? Is it an internet thing?

Dean, could you just forget about that for a second?

I, uh, I made you-- I made you this to say sorry.

Is that my face?

Oh, uh, yeah.

(chuckling) Made it myself.

Bro.

It's okay if you don't like it.

I can leave it outside for the dogs or kids--

I fucking love it.

I've always wanted to know what my face tasted like.

Mm.

I tastes good, man.

So, here's the thing, Dean. When we left the North Store,

I thought Yeah Man would make me happy,

but you know what?

It did.

Uh, no. No, that's the thing, Dean.

It did not.

Oh, right. Right.

I think it's because I never really wanted

to work in a grocery story. I was just kind of always--

Well, I was born into them.

Whoa. Heavy, bro.

Here, try my face.

I missed out on so much working in these stores.

Never went to my own prom.

I never found a dead body in the woods with my friends.

The one time I got high was 'cause I stood up too fast.

Dean, I-- I don't know who I am.

I got you, bro.

I'm gonna help you find out who the real Greg is.

Here. Try my nose.

(grunting)

Oh, smells fresh.

Roger:

That's why I slept with the band office keys

under my pillow.

All right, Louise. Make your magic.

I'm like the mother hen.

These keys, the eggs.

Happy birthday, Mr. President.

Louise.

Did you do something new to your hair?

Oh, you're so funny, Roger. Of course not.

I just woke up like this.

Ever the natural beauty.

Can I interest you in some warm cookies?

You know I'm always hungry!

(giggling)

Mm!

Where are those cookies at?

Um--

(sneezing)

Rita? Agnes, what are you doing here--

(gasping)

Rita!

Paul:

Look at Uncle with the tricked out stroller.

Yeah, anything for Small Paul.

(doll giggling)

This thing is the cargo pants of strollers.

(doll giggling)

I've got this dad shit on lock!

Doll: Papa?

We should go on a playdate later.

(chuckling)

What's Gord and little Robocop doing after school?

We could go to the park. Aww, so gassy.

(laughing)

Baby learned its first words the other day.

It said, "Those who can are freaking awesome,

and those who can't...

...they teach."

(Paul and doll giggling)

Oh, chi-chi. (shushing)

There, there. Scot'apin.

This day isn't over yet.

(chuckling)

Lips:

Damn companies!

Anyways, if that's everything.

Uh, one more thing, sweetheart.

Could you help me sort my pills?

All right, bro. Listen, I want you to talk

to this little fat white baby like it's you.

Dean, this is silly. That doesn't even look like me.

(scoffing)

Oh, yeah. That's much better.

All right. That'll help, okay?

Okay.

Hey there, Old Greg, it's Young Greg.

Hey, young me.

Wow, did we ever grow up to be a cool looking dude.

Oh, well. Thank you.

Yeah, you still shit yourself?

Dean!

Okay, okay. For real, man. Sorry.

What did we do when we grew up?

Well, um, retail... store.

Training modules.

That's all I become? Is a store modulator?

I don't know. What else is there?

You don't know, bro?

Oh, you can be a firefighter, a ninja, a ninja-fighter.

Oh, that's a good one.

But I don't know, little Greg. I-I-- I don't know!

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, bro.

I know what you need to do.

Yeah, you think so?

Yeah, man.

You need to go find a dead body.

Okay, great. All done. I'll need to be getting on now.

Wait, wait. What about the, uh--

- I can ch-- - About the--

I can check back in with you tomorrow, Auntie.

Jo needs me back at the office.

Hiya!

Night-night, Lips.

(snoring)

Ooh, right here.

Agnes: Wow. This is it.

The thing that's destroying our youths.

I think we need to pick the lock.

(groaning)

(speaking Anishinaabemowin)

Now, how the heck do we turn the stupid thing off?

Kiik omaa. There's gotta be a way.

- (powering down) - Easy enough.

Ooh!

Ma, Rita. What are you guys doing in here?

Knock it off.

No, no. (chuckling)

Actually, Sophia, that bottle's no good.

It's got too many BPAs in it.

You don't even know what that means.

Yeah, I do, dummy.

It means Bad Parents Association.

(gasping) Speaking of bad parents,

did you guys see what Brendon fed his baby?

(gasping) French fries.

- Doll: Papa? - Ho'leh.

Hey, world's greatest dad,

that little girl just took your doll.

Hey! Give me back my son!

- Mine! - Doll: Papa?

Paul: Hey. Miinishin!

(grunting)

Just give me it.

Why...

(doll crying)

- ...are you... - (doll crying)

...so strong!? (grunting)

How about I trade you a brand new shiny rock?

Mm!

I know. How about money?

I only take debit.

What the hell!?

Bring it here then.

God.

Can't believe this. Chequing. Pin number.

(beeping)

Hah! But I didn't leave you a tip.

Do you want a receipt?

I just want my head back!

(bell ringing)

Shit, I'm gonna be late!

This is it, Dean. I'm actually doing it.

I'm off to find myself.

Here. Where I'm going, they don't need name tags.

Where are you going?

No idea, but I'll be back.

Well, not unless you fall in love or die,

but, like, won't you for sure need a name tag

if no one's gonna know who you are?

Okay, Dean. (chuckling)

Here I go.

I'm gonna go.

Wait, there's big shipment coming off the barge next week.

I should wait until then, help if I--

No, dude. Go. I got this.

Huh?

Go on, git!

(whimpering)

I never liked you anyway.

(both crying)

Just go!

(both crying)

Here, I completed the assignment. Take him!

It's all there.

Does this doll look like it's in perfect condition to you?

What do you want? It had a growth spurt.

It's not my fault that it's thriving.

Oh, it's your fault.

Fine. Here. Look.

I've been meaning to do this for a long while.

Strike four. You're almost out of here!

(laughing)

So, you come in here, break into the band office,

just to shut off the internet?

We didn't break in here!

Yeah, Roger gave us the keys.

Oh, I tried to stop him, but he woke up.

Oh, my God. What am I doing here?

Uh, what's going on?

I'm so-- I'm so old.

Cut the shit, Louise.

Roger, are you okay?

I must have fainted earlier.

Luckily, I had Louise to help me.

Ma, why would you do this?

I tried to stop him, but he woke up.

Another one!

Oh, my God. What am I doing here?

Ever-sick, you.

Lips, are you okay?

I must have fainted, but luckily--

Holy shit. You guys assaulted two of them today, and for what?

The youth! They're on their screens too much.

Chickadee and her friends are never outside.

I'm worried, Jo.

Well, that's a fair point, but was this really

the smartest way to get the youth outside?

Hey, Jo. Come look.

(kids laughing)

You see, my girl? I miss that sound.

Mm.

Hey, Lips.

Maybe we should leave the internet off

a little bit longer.

Sure thing, Chief.

I think some of those youth are slashing tires outside.

(women laughing)

So, this is Rez Simulator?

Hey, I kind of like it.

Like it? How come you never told me it was this much fun?

Wait, we can just frolic in the bush?

Yup.

And the graphics are so good.

Agnes:

Hey, someone just BCRd me!

Yo, Chickadee, toss me a blanket.

Mm.

Kookums these days.

Ah, holy shit!

(grunting)

♪ I thought wanted to be stronger ♪

♪ More like one of the boys ♪

♪ I turn it up a little louder, started making some noise ♪

♪ Then I knew, then I knew just how strong I could be ♪

♪ Yeah, let me tell you what it means to me ♪

♪ Girls are okay, okay ♪

♪ We're okay ♪

♪ Girls are okay, okay ♪

♪ Us girls are okay ♪

♪ They're holding it down, not messing around ♪

♪ Girls running their own world now ♪