Original subtitles

What does it say?

Stephen Harper's sperm better work.

Fok yeah.

Fok yeah?

My eggs are pregs!

You're gonna be a dad!

(voice distorting) Paul?

Did you hear me? You're gonna be a dad.

Paul Jr., I smelled weed coming out of your bedroom last night.

So what? Uncle Dean says

you used to smoke that shit out of a plastic bag.

(gasping)

What's gotten into you, Paul Jr.?

You started a speakeasy,

you're in and out of bingo prison.

Paul: And worst of all?

I seen't you cleaning your mooey jeet in the sink!

Where do you get this stuff from?

Isn't it obvious? From Dad.

No son of mine will act like a son of mine!

- Fuck you, Dad. - Paul: What did you say?!

Are-- are you okay?

(gasping)

If you think you're taking off to Winnipeg, think again.

I had you chipped!

(beeping)

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

That was Donny Danger and the Five Finger Fillet

with "I Left My Ring Finger in Bloodvein."

And if you're wondering why my voice is so buttery smooth,

I just upgraded to the Vocalschmoodin B-Niner.

It's the Bung Bologna of microphones.

The damn thing cost me five hundred and fifty bucks,

so for the next little while,

ol' Roger is going to be selling radio spots.

So, send in your ads and I'll read 'em.

Okay. Here we go.

(soft piano music playing)

"Looking for a place to get stuff?

Yeah Man is having a sale on Dean's Weiner Water Soup."

(app beeping like sonar)

"All the flavour of a hot dog

but now in a grey cloudy, greasy, liquid."

"Yeah man!"

(gasping)

I'm scared Rose.

And it's not like, "the store's run out of chips" scared.

Well, what did you do when the store ran out of chips?

I punched Greg in the back of the head.

Okay. And then, what did you do?

I ate some ice cream.

See? You moved on and you got over it.

No, I didn't. I found out where Greg was staying,

and then I winded him!

Okay, point is, you're scared because it's important to you,

and you want to be a good dad.

Fucking Greg.

Shoulda gave me a heads-up next time, put up a bulletin.

Okay, seriously, let it go.

I think I'm just scared because our baby won't have my DNA.

And if I can't give it that, what else do I have to offer?

Well,

he'll have your keen sense of...

You know?

And, I mean, you almost never...

You have really pretty...

Your life is so... (chuckling)

You know?

Point is, you're gonna be a great dad.

How? I don't even have my stupid high school diploma.

You don't need a piece of paper to be a good dad.

If I don't have my diploma,

then our kids are gonna think that they don't need theirs.

And the next thing you know,

they're washing their mooey jeet in the sink, just like me!

What?

That's it, Rose!

I'm going back to high school.

All I need is one more credit!

Wait. So, you wash your mooey jeet in the sink?

It was only one-and-a-half times!

Hmph!

"Need your grass cut, but not in a bad way?

Hire Little Blue for all your landscaping needs.

All you have to do is provide the equipment, give him a ride,

make lunch, and wake him up.

Little Blue's Come Pick Me Up Landscaping.

You can hire me, but it doesn't mean I'm coming."

I've been doing Grouse Lake radio for over 25 years,

and now I'm making five bucks

to read an ad for Blue's Landscaping.

(voice breaking) I feel so cheap.

So, do I have any new messages?

Oh, right.

(clearing throat) Of course.

Uh, there's one here about de-wolfing the bingo hall.

Mmm-hmm.

Nurse Logan's leaving the Rez forever,

and Grouse Lake having too many bugs outside.

What was that?

Too many bugs outside.

Fuckin' Chief and Council.

No, the other one.

Oh, wolf in the bingo hall.

The other, other one.

But, Jo, it attacked nine people.

The Logan one!

Logan is leaving the Rez forever...

and ever.

Oh. Well...

That's... probably for the best.

Yeah, totally.

The way he shit-talked bannock at Health Week?

Fuck that guy.

Yeah. I-I-- I'm -- I'm still so mad,

I... might just...

march right on down to the nurse's station,

just to make sure he leaves.

Yeah, get him, Jo.

Just fuckin' missin' him.

Got breakfast all over the side of your face.

Okay, already.

You look so handsome in your tearaways.

Did you remember the picture?

Yes.

Remember, you're going to school for your child.

Keep it, so you don't forget.

- Okay, I'm going to be late. - You're not going to be late.

But I have to impress the principal, so he lets me in.

Would you relax? It's summer school.

There'll be plenty of space.

Did you cut off the crust like I asked?

PB&J, extra J, no crusts.

You cut them in little triangles?

You said you wanted square.

Damn it, Stephen Harper! You don't do anything right!

Hang on. Let me take a picture of you.

(sighing)

So fucking lame!

There's my handsome boy!

(camera shutter clicking)

Oh, hi, Logan.

I heard you were leaving.

Yeah, contract is up.

Probably for the best.

Looks like you got a new nurse coming.

By the sounds of it, she won't be such a stickler.

Well, that's good.

Hopefully, the new nurse won't be so hard on our bannock.

(sighing) That really made people mad.

You know, the next day, I woke up with a moose head in my bed.

Who would do something like that?

Well, don't worry.

I won't let the door hit my ass on the way out.

Anyway, what did you want?

Nothing. (stammering)

I didn't just come here to... see you off.

Weirdo.

You know, I really wish this worked out.

Grouse Lake had some beautiful things.

(scoffing) It was all right.

I-- it's...

Whatever. Where--

Where are you going, by the way, or whatever?

Bunibonibee.

Okay, cool. Whatever.

(sighing)

Anything else?

No. It's just...

like you said, uh...

don't let the door hit your tight buns on the way out.

- (door opening) - (sighing)

Paul: Chickadee, there you are! (chuckling)

You want to walk to school with me?

Who's this? Your Uncle Paul? What is he? Like, 50?

Boy: Nice tearaways, bud.

Yeah, my guy, what year is it? 1998?

Jesus! What's up with these teens, man?

They are who they are. Cool as shit.

Hmph. I don't think they're that cool.

What did you say, Discman?

You guys wanna hear some cool music?

Oh, yeah. We love classic rock.

What you got?

I got Rock Rap White Boys.

I've got the CCC - The Crazy Clown Clan.

I also got Big Shitty Tunes Volume 15!

(sighing) Come back here!

Sorry, there's no smoking here.

Oh, don't worry. I'll be finished in a minute.

Okay, but I'm-- I'm actually pregnant.

Oh, trust me, the first trimester doesn't even count.

Sorry. Are you the new nurse?

Well, I ain't Santa Claus,

but I do eat a shit ton of cookies.

(chuckling)

(coughing)

(hacking)

All... right.

Let's get you to the nursing station.

Oh, great. Wanna grab my bag, sweetie?

Oh, don't worry.

Carrying heavy things is good for the baby.

Let's go.

Thanks, sweetie.

The fok?

Sweetley is principal now?

That's right.

But you--

Failed you back in grade 12.

- All because-- - You never came to class.

- And now you're-- - The principal...

of the new high school.

- Who keeps on-- - Finishing your sentences?

- Oh, for fok's-- - Sakes.

Let me guess, you couldn't get your girlfriend pregnant

because you're sterile,

so she was impregnated by the town cuck, and now,

you're feeling insecure as a new dad because you've got...

nothing.

Now, let me guess.

You did so good as a teacher

that they promoted you to principal,

and now, your salary is way higher.

(sighing) What do you want, Paul?

We already hired a janitor.

Look,

I know you hate me, but I need one more credit to graduate.

That's true, I do hate you.

Let's look at your old file, shall we?

Ah. Looks like you need life skills.

(chuckling) Which makes perfect sense

because you suck at life.

What do you have against me, man?

You were a terrible student. You didn't even try.

Thought you could joke and smile your way through school.

I see what this is about.

You're mad because I got everyone to call you "Shitley"

way back in 2002!

I don't know what you're talking about.

You suspended, like, 19 kids that day! You set a record!

I was doing you a favour by failing you!

You know what? I'm gonna do you another favour.

You're gonna let me back in?

Only so I can watch you fail again.

And you're in luck

because I'm teaching life skills.

Fine, then.

Five strikes and you're out.

Five strikes? (chuckling)

Shit, I'll give you one right now.

Fuck you, Shitley.

That's strike number one.

Fuck yeah.

Strike number two.

Three more and you're out of here.

Man, I don't even know what sport you're talking about.

I'm going to be on you like brown on moo!

Paul: Heh!

- Chief Jo? - Huh? What? Nothing.

We have an emergency health crisis.

It was just one piece of bannock.

What? No.

This new nurse, Margo...

she's terrible.

Well, what do you care? You're leaving soon anyways.

Or are you trying to stay?

I'm not messing around.

What kind of nurse still prescribes leeches?

I'm sure she had her reasons.

For a broken arm?

Okay.

She even gave Blue testosterone.

He's just a kid. Look.

He looks fine to me.

(deep voice:) Oh, yeah.

Logan: We have to do something.

I can't just fire her.

It'll take me months to cut through all that red tape.

Unless...

She quits.

(deep voice:) Oh, yeah.

Hey, Discman.

Heard you got into it with Sweetley.

- Yeah, that's cool bro. - Fucking cool.

Yeah, it's because I'm cool.

No, you're not, but if you

really want to be, you'll come with us,

'cause we're gonna prank Sweetley.

When Sweetley goes to take his daily dump,

we're gonna reverse the plumbing, so when he flushes,

the toilet will blow his shit right back up his ass.

The old reverse moo.

Uh...

What's the matter? Are you scared?

Nah. It's just we can do cooler things,

like listen to Limp Bizkit, we can drink energy drinks,

all at the same time.

Oh, shit. Sorry, son. We thought you were cool.

Just hold on a second. God!

(sighing)

Stephen Harper (in head:) Remember, you're going to school

for your child.

Keep it so you don't forget.

Shut the fuck up, Stephen Harper.

Okay! I'll do it!

Nice.

How are we going to get her to quit?

I have got some ideas.

Ugh. What's that awful smell?

(sniffing)

Hmm. Raw fish.

Not without mustard.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh. - Mmm...

(ghostly moaning)

Leave Grouse Lake...

Just voices in my damn head.

Nothing a swig of iodine can't fix.

Ahh... Works every time.

(phone ringing)

What do you want?

Jo (disguising voice:) I am looking for a patient.

First initial "G. Last name "T'Licker".

So, you're looking for a jeet licker?

(laughing quietly)

Well... today's your lucky day.

I get off of work at five.

Hey. What the hell?

How come he hasn't went for his daily dump yet?

Just hang on. Fuck.

Uh, Tavis, you'll be in charge.

I have an appointment.

I have to take a call from a...

parent and do some budget stuff.

Paul: Watch out, watch out.

You did reverse the toilet, right?

Of course, I did.

Maybe we're going too far, you guys.

Too late now, tearaways.

Maybe... it's not working.

Just wait.

(creaking)

- Sweetley: It's a reverse moo! - (water rushing)

Yoho!

It's all going back in!

(water slowing, stopping)

You five! In my office!

Now!

(students giggling)

(Paul sighing)

I might be leaving,

but I can't let the nursing station turn into an ashtray.

Jo: Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Uh...

Margo: What?!

Oh, God.

That is it.

I can't work here.

No smoking, no Margo.

I quit.

Oh, God.

(coughing)

(laughing) We did it!

I guess that means you can stay.

But I'm already leaving.

Oh.

I just assumed you'd stay once she was gone.

Well, what reason do I have to stay?

Because I l...

learned...

how to prank a nurse with a fish.

And you're sure that's what you wanted to say?

Just fish.

Just fish?

Okay, then.

Well, I'll see you around.

(sighing)

Because it's not. Let me tell you why.

First, the pain.

Water is supposed to be life.

Second, the utter humiliation.

Somehow, I lost a shoe.

And three, the reverse moo

goes against Creator's plan.

It comes out, but never goes back in!

You did this.

This is all your fault.

You ain't got shit on me.

This is gonna be your fifth strike, and I don't care

if you're the Chief's daughter!

I did it!

I reversed the pipes! And you know what?

I'd do it all over again!

Ha-ha! Shitley!

All: Shitley! Shitley! Shitley! Shitley!

That's three strikes!

You've all got detention!

Selling ads to pay for my new mic didn't work.

At least, I found a way to pay for the mic,

and that's by selling it.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

...just gonna hand it over.

- (feedback screeching) - Oof!

(mouthing words)

(voice breaking:) I can't believe he's gone,

after all those beautiful moments we had!

So, I understand that you're Chief Jo

and you have a foot fungus.

Nope.

It's made with cranberry and duck fat.

Oh, the one with--

Duck fat?

We'll obviously have the salad.

Obviously, the salad.

You got egg on your face?

I'm not embarrassed by a little bit of hard work.

No, I mean you literally have egg on your face.

I could have sworn we had more memories.

Logan: Jo!

Logan? (sniffling)

Hey.

Hey, last time we talked,

did you want to say more than just "fish"?

Yeah.

Were you going to say that you wanted me to stay?

(sniffling)

Only if you want to.

Then, I want to.

(deep voice:) Oh, yeah.

Hey, kid. You did all right.

- You're one of us now, bro. - Fucking cool, man.

Hey, Uncle Tearaways, when we're done here,

we're gonna go smash some bottles on some rocks.

- Wanna come along? - You means it?

Thanks, guys.

I think I found his shoe.

All: Shitley! Shitley! Shitley! Shitley!

Shitley! Shitley!

Paul: Shitley! Shitley! Shit-- oh, okay.

You guys are done?

Don't worry, I got this!

Friends... Shitley! Shitley!

Fuckin' stinks in here!

♪

(singing in Indigenous language)