Original subtitles

Why do I have to be here?

I'm not the one trying to get pregnant.

Shut up, Paul.

We're here to check your fertility.

Doctors are just perverts.

They're always asking me to take off my shirt.

How about you take your shirt off, guy?

Sorry for the delay.

Fuck you, man! I'm not taking off my shirt.

That's okay.

We have your sperm test results back,

and your count is at one million.

Hell, yeah. I'm going platinum!

(cackling)

For sperm, that's actually a low number.

There's no easy way to put this...

but you're sterile.

How is that a bad thing?

You're constantly telling me to wash my hands.

No, dummy. He means you're shooting blanks.

I'm sorry.

Damn.

You're actually due for a medical checkup.

So, if I can get you to take off your shirt...

Okay. (chuckling) Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

♪ 'Cause I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Roger: Not sure what's going on out there, chief and council.

Deedee would have never let that happen.

Mn'ehh.

Roger: But in the meantime, here's Guy Ayii and the VLTs

with their smash hit, "Max Bettin' on My Heart."

(knocking on door)

'Morning, Chief.

You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you.

Spit it out, Lips.

Willie made good on his threat to go on strike.

That greasy little bastard!

Garbage is piling up faster than gossip on a bingo night.

He did it. He really fok'n did it.

Says here he's not budging

until he gets a new truck and an apology.

Jo, what you going to do?

I'll tell you what I don't do.

(paper crinkling)

I don't negotiate with sanitationists.

(paper crinkling)

I'll collect the garbage myself.

Sometimes a chief has to roll up their sleeves

and get their hands dirty.

But Jo, you're not wearing sleeves.

- (crow cawing) - (dog barking)

Sterile? Me? It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, it does.

You're the only one left who still wears tighty-whities.

Which is crazy.

I can get a year's worth for less than $10.

I'm basically making money at this point.

I mean, even that pale, sickly guy at the pawnshop

warned you about keeping that thing on your lap.

(low thrumming)

It keeps me warm in the wintertime.

And what about the x-ray machine you found?

Paul: What about it?

This thing helps me see what's on the inside.

You know why you're sterile? Because you're stubborn.

Rose, I'm going to need some time alone with my boys.

Hey, guys. It's me.

Now, you're going to hear some rumours around town

about how you guys are a bunch of losers.

- How you guys are washed-up. - (inspirational music plays)

How you guys are no damn good.

But are we just going to go quietly into the night,

or are we going to rise up and fight?

Are we going to pack it all in?

We're getting a sperm donor.

Fok sakes.

Ah, Chief Jo. Come to negotiate?

Not at all, trash boy. Get out of my way.

Oh, I see how it is.

Using your own truck to pick up trash.

Must be easier to see when you don't got flies

having an orgy on your face.

Willie: Ah kijeet.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, it's so hard. Ugh. Oh.

You think this is funny?

Crossing the picket line... is no joke.

She takes the ball into the paint.

Four seconds left on the clock.

Don't make me do it.

Pump-fakes. Pivots. Fades away!

- Oh! - (moaning)

How's your ankle?

Where's the whistle? That was travelling.

- As if. - Okay.

I didn't want to have to do this,

but you brought it on yourself, Jo.

Brother crows! I summon you.

Attack!

I said attack.

Mn'ehh.

Caw!

Ribbit?

Do you have any bologna?

Uh, yes, we do. In the back refrigerator.

Man, you're slipping.

Dude asks for bologna, and you're supposed to say...

..."Yeah, man."

Speaking of stiff,

this place needs to lighten up, man.

It's too much like... you.

Well, if by that you mean barely hanging on,

you're right.

Yeah. The store is too store-y.

People come in here, they buy shit, and then they leave.

What's up with that?

Well, uh, that is how a store works, Dean.

But picture this, man.

People come in here and shoot the shit.

Nobody here is shooting the shit.

We need more shit-shooting.

Okay. With all due respect, Dean,

we can't sell shit-shooting, okay?

I think you're on the wrong page, bro.

You're talking money-making and I'm talking shit-shooting.

Okay, then.

Have you seen the latest revenge karate movie,

The Killer Backers?

- Yeah. - All right.

This is the life you chose, Greg.

Oh, hey, Paul. This is Theland.

- (Wolf howls) - Whispering voice: Aki.

Yes. Theland. Spelled "The land."

- (Wolf howls) - Whispering voice: Aki.

Isn't he great?

And guess what. Theland has just agreed to be our donor.

Hmm. Don't you think this is something

we both should've talked about?

You know how much communication means to me.

Says the guy who started a speakeasy.

You got to stop living in the past.

I'm past the past.

This guy has all the DNA we need.

He's... okay.

Okay?

He just finished making a spice rack

while we were arguing.

(chuckling)

Too bad we don't have any spices.

Stop it. He's perfect.

All I'm saying is, you can't pick the first guy you see.

It's like picking up the first melon at the fruit stand.

We don't even know if this guy's ripe.

As if you buy fruit.

All I'm saying is we only have one melon.

I think I deserve to go and find my own melon.

We have a perfectly ripe melon, so full of juice.

Humph. Says you.

Well, good luck finding a melon in a rez full of potatoes.

Sometimes, those potatoes turn into chips

and beautiful French fries.

Melons? Hmm. They just go mouldy and taste sour.

Open the damn gate, Willie.

Sorry, Jo. The crows have spoken.

(cawing)

Oh, fok off.

Where am I supposed to put the garbage, then?

You're a waste-keeper now. Figure it out.

(laughing)

Come on, guys. Let's go get some of that soup, eh?

Oh, hey. You know what?

Oh, literally, yous don't say?

That's a good one, Joey... (Willie muttering indistinctly)

(mockingly) You're a waste-keeper now. Figure it out.

Fok'n Willie.

: Nah, man.

The toughest white guy to play a Native is Billy Jack.

Don't come at me with this Johnny Depp, Lone Ranger shit.

Uh, Dean, can we talk?

What's up, man?

So, I don't know if you noticed,

but the hang-out spot has become the hang-out store.

Yeah. What's the problem, man?

The place is packed. That's how you business.

Well, the problem is that none of these people

are buying anything.

Oh, man. I'm in the middle of shit-shooting,

and you're coming at me with all this Greg talk.

I think we might even be over capacity.

Ah, don't worry about it, man. The fire marshal's here,

he would have said something by now.

(chattering)

Hang on, man. Oh, right, right.

There's no way six gorillas can take on 25 chimps.

Based on what?

That was the Local 244 Beading Union.

Did you buy a pair of beaded earrings from Russia?

Fucking Willie leaked that receipt.

That stinky little bastard!

Jo, this is big.

They were $5.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

I'll look right into that.

Jo, did you just dump a bunch of garbage bags

right out in the open?

I got a community member on the phone that says you did.

I left the trash outside the dump

because Willie locked the gates.

Well, a bunch of rez dogs tore into it,

and now, there's garbage everywhere.

Jo, this is big.

Jo: Ah, for fok's sake.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Are you serious?

Well, that's not good.

Wrong number.

Jo, that's big.

What about those guys? Do they look like dad material?

Paul: No way, man.

My baby has to have the coolest DNA.

It's got to reek of coolness.

Got it. Reeks of coolness.

- Those guys look really cool. - No way, man.

That guy looks like he reads.

Nobody likes a know-it-all.

No know-it-alls. Got it.

And this guy? Way too tall.

It's too risky. I don't want my kid to beat me up

by the time he's eight years old.

Tall equals bad.

Fuck, Stephen Harper.

Where are we going to find a cool guy

that doesn't give a fuck, and says

cool things, like,

"Whatever, man" or "That's bunk"?

It'll take years before we find someone like that.

Dean: Hey, man.

You can't be smoking candied cigarettes in here, bro.

(cackling)

Whatever, old man. That's bunk.

Both: Fucking cool, man!

- (birds chirping) - (sighing)

(phone ringing)

(dog barking in the distance)

(splashing)

Hey, Chief. You and me. Let's talk.

Rose, are you ready to meet my melon?

Say hello to Lyle the cool guy. Ha.

Cool, right?

I guess. I mean, he's no Theland.

What the fok is he still doing here?

He's making us lacrosse sticks.

Yeah. I even made one for the baby.

Well, Lyle's got some cool shit, too. Right, Lyle? Show them.

I have.

What the fuck?

You can't give nunchucks to a baby, man!

Whatever, old man. That's bunk.

Paul: Come on. Get up.

Go make a spice rack or something.

Whoa. I just cleaned here.

Come on. Whatever, man. Hey. Oh.

You guys got any movies or anything?

You ever seen The Crow?

No, man. We don't have The Crow.

What?

What the hell is wrong, man?

You haven't seen The Crow?

Would you shut up about The Crow already?

Fucking bunk.

Hey. Come on, babe.

I mean, It's pretty obvious who the donor is here.

I don't think it's obvious at all.

But it's been out for, like, 30 years.

I have the perfect guy. Why are you fighting me on this?

No, babe. I have the perfect guy.

It's literally out on every format!

Blu-ray, DVD, Laserdisc.

Hmm.

Fine. We'll settle this with a competition.

- Winner is the donor. - You're on!

Oh, oh.

Tell me you've at least heard the soundtrack.

Aw! Come on!

(shouting)

(birds chirping)

What are we even doing here, Deedee?

I knew you'd be out here all sad-arse,

wishing you never became chief.

How'd you know that?

- Same thing happened to me. - Really?

Nah. I'm just trying to make you feel better.

Listen, Jo.

I want to give you some chief advice.

From former chief to chief.

When times get tough, play the guitar?

Not quite, but that did work out pretty well for me.

No. You need to give in to the power of...

maanoo.

Maanoo?

Yeah.

It means "let it be," but really, it's a frame of mind.

Sometimes, the victory does not lie in the outcome,

but in the acceptance of what is.

So, how do I "maanoo" myself

out of a garbage strike?

That's easy. Did you eat Willie's soup?

His what?

When you visited the dump, he offered you some soup, right?

Yeah, but I'm not going to eat that witches brew.

That's the problem.

This was never about a truck.

Willie, he just wants respect.

So, buck up, eat the damn soup,

and maanoo.

I know some of you are asking yourselves why you're here.

- I know I am. - (clearing throat)

Paul and I are going to decide on our donor for our kid.

- Really? - Yeah.

Like this? Okay.

Welcome to the baby daddy games, I guess.

Who will win the right to be

Paul and Rose's sperm donor, and--

And how is this supposed to work?

- Just let me do it. - Oh.

(clearing throat)

Hi, everyone. So, Paul is sterile.

(cheering and applause)

Let me finish. That's not the only reason why we're here.

(groaning)

We couldn't decide on our donor, so our two choices

are going to compete against each other.

My choice is Theland, spelled "The land."

- Whispering voice: Aki. - (cheering and applause)

Paul: Hmm.

And my choice is Lyle.

But you already know him as the coolest guy in Grouse Lake.

Get out here, Lyle.

- (scattered applause) - Yeah.

What the hell, man? You painted your face?

Yeah. It makes me look cool.

Nah. You're scaring everybody.

Aw, fuck. It's hot, man.

Yeah. You're wearing a trench.

Ah, fuck. I need a chair.

Start the games, Roger.

Okay. Let's start the games.

(cheering and applause)

I've been told that the first event

is the swimsuit competition.

(cheering and applause)

(cheering and applause continues)

Greg: Okay. Uh,

he would rather get run over by a tank

than sliced up by a helicopter.

(laughing nervously)

Dean, I know you're shooting the shit,

but we really need to talk.

I'm just saying, the store has never been busier.

(whispering) But nobody here is spending a cent.

Well, you're the corporate sellout, buttoned-down,

corn-fed, uptight,

button-pushing, marshmallow motherfucker.

- Right. - What do we do?

We could at least charge for the coffee.

All right. Fine.

Excuse me.

Dean: "Free coffee with purchase"?

There.

Nice job, bro.

(playing flute)

Someone give this man's sperm an egg already.

(crying)

So, what's Lyle going to do?

Oh, he's going to blow you away. He's got something huge planned.

Get up there, Lyle!

Now, imagine you're watching

the movie The Crow,

but just all the cool fighting parts.

Ah, for fuck--

And imagine all the cool fighting parts

are played by me.

Hit it!

- (industrial music playing) - (grunting)

This guy comes in, and he's, like,

"Boof-boof-boof! Boof-boof.

"That's what you get for killing me and my hot fiancée.

Boof-boof-boof! Boof. Boof!"

(crow cawing)

What's that? Is that a crow?

(imitating crow cawing)

Oh, my ankle!

Oh, fuck.

Hey. That's not in the movie.

Come on. You gotta get up,

or my baby is gonna be riddled with that perfect man's DNA.

No. I can't do it, man. My ankle's fucked.

Nah.

You're fine. (chuckling)

- Are you okay? - Looks like Lyle is out.

Which means Theland wins.

Paul: Hold on. The last round is the interview round, right?

I don't know. Is it? I'm just learning as I go.

Argh. He's right. The best answer wins.

And Lyle doesn't need his ankle to answer the questions.

- Right, Lyle? - (Grunting)

Roger: Okan iwe.

Crowd: Oh!

(gagging)

What did we learn today?

That's easy, man.

25 chimps can easily take six gorillas.

I meant the store.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Well, when the store made no money, we were cool.

Right.

But now that paying customers are back, we're less cool.

Also right.

Wait a second!

"Free coffee with purchase of a free coffee."

Dean, that-- That makes no sense.

I'll take a cup of free coffee.

That'll be $2, please.

(crow cawing)

And I've just been handed the final question.

Lyle, since you suffered a horrific injury,

maybe you should go first before your Medivac arrives.

(grunting)

Oh. Maybe just answer from your chair.

Stop playing head games, bro. Let him go.

Yeah, I'm good. Morphine's starting to kick in anyway.

I didn't give you any morphine.

Lyle, why should you be the donor?

Well, let me tell you.

(imitating crow cawing)

- (thudding) - (audience gasping)

Is that an answer?

What the fuck, Lyle? Get up, man!

You're kind of blowing it right now.

Lyle's out. Looks like Theland wins.

It's not over. "The land" still has to answer.

All right, then.

Theland, why should you be the donor?

You know what? I don't think I want to be.

You people are terrible.

The thought of a child being parented

by either of you lunatics is frightening.

I think I'll just keep my DNA to myself.

Paul: Kee-oskway!

As the master of ceremonies, I should say a few words.

You don't need a donor who's cool or ridiculously handsome.

You need someone with heart and selflessness.

Someone who cares for others.

Someone who's kind and considerate.

Someone who's undyingly loyal, like a dog or a cuckold.

And I'm just spit-balling here.

I have never been a father and frankly,

I find children to be annoying, filthy little things.

A bit of a drag.

But I do know as of right now,

you have no such guy.

Yes, we have.

He's been right under our nose this whole time.

Stephen Harper, would you--

- Yes. - (audience members gasping)

Ah, for fuck--

Rose, Paul, you have your donor.

Here you go, Stephen Harper. Get to work.

, why the sudden change of heart?

Uh, an old friend helped me see the light.

All right.

Go on then.

Maanoo.

Hmm. Mmm!

Wow!

That's really good.

Thanks.

It's an old family recipe that I found in the trash.

Okay. Wow.

So, uh, the strike is off?

You bet.

Even better, I'm going to call off the crows.

Brother crow...

...fly.

More soup?

Un-uhn.

♪