Original subtitles

Previously on "You Me Her"...

- Mom? - Jack.

I want to tell you how your father died.

- Got into a car wreck. - You were...

about 10 months old when the affair started.

I let you keep on loving him.

But then I couldn't help hating you for it.

I'm also very fond of you, and I want you to be my girlfriend.

"You will always hold the key."

You make me better, Neen.

I'm nothing without you.

Now, listen, I got to be back at the airport

in 10 hours and 37 minutes, which, as you know,

is 10 hours and 27 minutes more than I need.

It took me four days

to realize I was in love with you.

He's going to California.

What is he, in love with you or something?

Why would you say that? No.

I saw on your computer

that you were researching tri-custody.

Well, that's what you want, isn't it, babe?

I need to know that this will never happen again, okay?

We're about to have twins. We don't need a third child.

Well, you've made that pretty damn clear, haven't you, Em?

I think that this commitment party

has become like a, um...

Like a deadline.

Hey...

Here we go.

Dave!

Jack!

Ahh.

Jackson.

- David. - Yes, yes.

So, you coming or going?

Oh, just, um... actually had to take care

of a little bid'ness, if you know what I mean.

You know that I do!

Oh, God. Really, David?!

Okay, well, you know, have a nice trip.

I'll... I'll see you on the other side.

Uh, that's...

Bye. I love you, too.

Figured I'd get a kiss goodbye or some...

- I'll be back soon. - Yeah.

So, tonight's the big night, right?

You gonna lock it all in, sign it with blood?

Well, hopefully, ink.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Are you coming? - I can't.

I got... I got my thing in Eugene tonight.

Mm. I bet you do.

- Okay. - That was too easy.

Later, I got a... another one in Florence.

Ohh! Dave, you bisexual slut.

See, this is great. We should never break this act up.

- I miss this. - I know. Me, too.

- God. - So, how'd you sell Izzy on Hawthorne Heights?

Did you hypnotize her or silent treatment?

That always works in my family.

I just told her, you know, it's good for now.

Doesn't have to be forever.

Yeah, but it is forever, right? I mean...

look, Jack, don't toy with my emotions here.

I mean, probably.

Yeah.

Okay. I gotta go.

I'll see ya.

Yeah.

Hey, that's a lot of threads you three are weaving together.

You better be sure, for all three of you.

We're sure.

No doubt.

Okay.

- I love them. - Fuck.

- Jesus. - What the hell?

Well, I just about waterboarded myself

with hot tea. Ow.

I thought... I thought you guys knew I was here.

Oh, my God. 180 over 205.

- Is that good? - I don't know.

Maybe it's 205 over 180.

Look at them. They're, like... people.

4D Ultrasound.

Shit gets real.

They love you back.

Huh? You said you love them.

They love you back.

Oh.

Iz?

I have to pee.

Uh, outside?

Hey. What are you doing up?

Right?

Well, I'm losing my shit.

Were you asleep?

Mm, no.

Shaun has the bladder of a 90-year-old.

I had to get up with him to pee twice during the night.

Why? Do you, like, hold it for him?

Um, no.

We had a bit of a...

handcuff mishap.

Of course you did.

Mm. So, what's got you freaking this time?

So... they're real.

Jack and Emma? What, you mean, like, genuine? Authentic?

No. The babies.

I'm talking about the babies.

Oh.

What's happening?

Mm, Izzy just figured out

that Emma has children in her tummy.

Okay. Don't explain that, please.

Hello? Okay, so, I saw them.

Like, I really saw them

on this 4D sonogram thing.

And... and it's just... It's, like, happening.

I'm gonna give you some tough love now, okay?

Ow.

You didn't literally run to me this time,

but you're still dumping your biggest, heaviest feelings

on me instead of them.

Also, uh, the locksmith just texted,

- and he's on his way up, so... - Right, right.

But here's the thing.

I'm not gonna be their nanny or their cool aunt

or their "mamacita," whatever the fuck that means.

I'm gonna be their mother.

Like... like, they're gonna love me

like they love Jack and Emma.

Hello? Nina.

You did not hang up on me.

- I need you. - You're right, Iz.

Everything you just said is true, and...

Right.

... it's gonna kill me, but...

now I'm hanging up on you.

No, no. No...

Hey.

- You okay? - You know, it's your house, too.

You don't really have to go outside to pee.

Yeah, I mean, unless you want to.

Oh, no, no. I... I wasn't actually peeing.

- Oh. - No!

So... um...

I think I might be freaking out a little bit.

- About the party? - No.

About the babies being real.

- Same. - Me, too.

- Really? - Yeah.

I don't understand how everyone's just standing around

watching this slow-motion atrocity happen to us...

I mean, giving us full responsibility

- for two perfectly good lives? - Thank you.

Feels like someone should step in and make a citizen's arrest.

Okay, so, this unscheduled breakdown

is not a unicorn mom thing?

It is an every-parent-ever thing.

Look at this. This one here...

This girl is kind of the droll, sarcastic one

that's above it all.

So I'm thinking of naming her Sarah Silverman.

- Oh! - Well, I already locked in on Silverman

- as a middle name, so... - Well, duh.

It's lovely.

Yeah. This is the dumb, happy one...

- Aww. - ... that everyone thinks

is oblivious to the world's problems,

but she's actually cracked the code.

Winning at life.

Butterfly.

Beautiful.

Okay. Done and done.

Sarah Silverman and Butterfly.

I can't believe people sweat this stuff.

Wha-a-t? That's so weird.

Okay, Gabe is coming over here

and taking me to brunch. We do that?

Carmen booked us couple massages.

We definitely don't do that.

- Hmm. - Why you looking at me?

Oh, because I arranged to have you guys out of the house

so you could never say you had anything to do with my amazing party?

That's why you're looking at me?

My posse.

- Posse! - Hey!

- Hi. - Hi.

- Come in. - Hello!

Hello, hello!

So, she cheats with my husband,

then I fall in love with her.

Yeah. Then she eggs the neighbor's house

and somehow ends up with more friends than we do.

Okay. So, here's what I'm thinking.

- Do you have any papier-mâch�? - Of course I do.

Oh, hold my shit.

Mm.

Let's go.

A day spa...

with a nursery.

I will never get back all the years of not knowing this.

Live in the now.

Oh, and also, shut up.

We had so much sex.

Didn't we discuss this?

There's nothing grosser than bragging about sex

with your spouse of more than five years.

You're right. I totally know better.

It was like porn without a camera.

That's it. I'm done.

Just except to say we won at sex.

Yay?

Okay. Quiet time.

Okay.

Seriously? What, you're the one bringing a phone into a massage?

What kind of "Freaky Friday" shit is this?

Jesus, chill out.

Go to a spa or something.

Dave and I always call each other right before takeoff.

Aww.

Now, don't move. I'm gonna slowly get up

and kill you.

Okay, I'll stay very still.

This is weird.

Hello?

This is Carmen.

- Really? - Shh!

- Really? - Shh!

Really?!

Oh, my God. It's all true.

Whoever it is ain't playing.

- Jesus. - They made a mistake!

I'm nominated!

For what? Worst spa guest ever?

Best Wine Review!

In Portland. In a monthly publication.

Just reds. Whites are a different category.

Congratulations?

I'm nominated! Yeah!

Oh, my God! She's naked!

Come on. You've seen worse.

That is awesome.

Yoo-hoo. Break's over.

Let's do this thing.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, look, it's the wacky sidekick and her wacky sidekick.

Oh, hey, standard-issue droll gay neighbor.

- Where's the boss? - How can I help?

Oh, no, I, uh... I mean the hostess?

She answers to Izzy. She's got curly hair.

She's, like, 62.9% as pretty as me.

That's a good question.

- Isabelle? - Izzy?

Is she in the bathroom?

Son of a bitch.

We just got Tom Sawyer-ed, people.

Oh!

The fence-painting scene.

That's a good one.

I'm sure you'll be good at lifting heavy things.

Hello?

Thanks for coming.

- I helped. - Wow, you're really strong.

- Mm-hmm. - That must have been exhausting.

Would you like to take a seat?

I would. Thanks.

I... I think I will take this chair.

- Mm, yes. - Yes.

- Very comfortable. - Mm-hmm.

- Cozy. - State-of-the-art.

We can do better.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Iz.

Me, too.

You're really doing it.

Going to the border, helping all those kids.

It's amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really am.

I always said I would do something like that after college.

You'll get around to it.

Or...

you could just come with me.

- Stop. - Not like that.

I'm serious, Izzy.

Look, I mistook compatibility and companionship for love.

I don't know, you know?

Maybe I'm finally ready.

I hope so.

Probably not.

I hope so.

Yeah.

You know, it would have been an excellent friendship,

you and me.

Yeah.

Well, on, uh... on that note, um,

Seb doesn't like advice.

- Yeah. Me, either. - So, um...

Uh...

See you later.

Not if I see you first, nerd.

- Good luck. - Thank you.

- You, too. - Thanks.

Thanks.

So, how long did you know?

You know, Dad would say he was going one place,

and then his plane ticket would say something else.

The weird messages on his office phone.

And then one time, there was, uh...

there was perfume on the...

on his clothes in his suitcase, and that's when I knew.

You should have told me.

Once shit got real, you should have told me.

No, I know, and I almost did.

When?

The fight. You know, you and Mom, the big one.

When she called me a faggot?

Yeah, right after you called her a cunt.

What? No, I didn't.

Did I?

Yeah, you did. You just said the worst thing you could think of,

and then so did she.

Remember when you were a kid, you wrote that little essay?

It was an essay about, like, your greatest influence

or your hero or whatever, and you chose Dad?

Which made sense.

And then it won that contest,

and it got printed in our local paper.

- Remember that? - Yeah.

Mom had to hear about that so much.

You know how hard she took that?

I spent my life idolizing an adulterous asshole.

I don't know. Sometimes I think about that a lot...

what he did, what happened, and...

I don't know, 12 years, it's...

It's not really an affair, is it?

I guess he fell in love.

Yeah.

I'm not sure that makes it any better, but...

it's different, right?

Yeah.

You think he would have come back

and lived in the same town as us?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know it.

Thank you.

I've got big bottles and little bottles.

- Big bottles. - Oh, I like a big bottle!

- There's only three big bottles. - We can share.

Now, do you want me to put all the big bottles out?

Okay, people!

Do you want me to put the little bottles in the fridge?

Um, let's keep them out, too.

- You want them all out? - Yeah.

The whole place is gonna be covered in bottles.

Why not? Okay. I won't.

Okay, people. I said, "Okay, people."

- I'm loving this lid. That's... - Hey!

- Oh, hi! - Hi!

- Hey. - Hi.

So, gather round.

Done, I guess.

I just... I would love a status check, you know,

make sure we're all rowing in the same direction.

Um, couple quick things.

Uh, blue... Whose idea was that?

So, you ghosted,

but now you're back and feeling bossy.

That's fun. What a fun twist.

Right? Hey, walk with me.

- Let's talk about your plan. - Okay, yeah, that's a great idea.

'Cause you're kind of, like, my lieutenant, right?

- Sure. - Yeah.

So, we have some autumn garland.

I have concerns.

Okay.

What garland?

I don't know.

Maybe it's a little too subtle.

Okay, I would like to talk about the plan, though, because...

- Nice one! - I'll take that.

Lala, I don't... I don't see any garland.

Uh, whoopsies.

You locked me out.

Lala.

I can see you.

Okay.

Let me in!

Troubles?

Yes. The inmates are in there running the asylum.

What, did they lock you out?

- It's not funny. - It's a little funny.

What, just give me the keys, Chuckles.

I didn't bring my keys.

Fuck.

Ooh. Please tell me you have the keys.

It went great, actually. Thanks for asking.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you guys okay?

I think we're more okay than we've ever been.

Mm. You're welcome.

Mm. Why are we standing out here on the porch?

- Oh, yeah. - They locked her out.

She's the boss, the overbearing one now.

I'm the one who binge-watches sappy network dramas

and gets couple massages with her best neighbor friend.

Life, man.

Yes! No, no, no, hey, look.

- Hold on. - What?

- You like it out here? - I like it just the three of us.

And once we go in there, it's not over

till the last cork is popped.

All right. Who's with me?

- Always. - Oh, yeah.

Drinking time.

Come, come.

- I'll watch. - Where should we go?

Uh, I know a place.

Aah!

Sup?

Who's that?

So?

You ready for this?

Oh, which "this" are you referring to?

Because there's a pack of them, and I think they're breeding.

I'm sorry.

Shaun. Mrs. Shaun.

- Hey. - No, no, no, no.

That has been settled.

The queen is back on her throne, bitches.

Yeah, well, thanks to me.

Yes.

Your Highness? Do you want...

- Just go. Go. - I'm gonna...

You guys enjoying yourselves?

Yeah, you bet.

Great party.

- It's great. - Thanks.

Gabe tells me you can't remember

the last time I said "I love you."

I mean, talk is cheap, right?

Right.

I love you, Jackson Trakarsky.

Let the record show it was just now.

Jesus, Jackson,

don't be a pussy about it.

I love you, too, Mom.

Um...

just a sec.

Nathan.

What are you doing here?

Just... can we, uh... can we talk?

In private.

Uh, it won't take long.

It's not up to us.

I'll just be a second.

Izzy.

Izzy.

- Will you slow the fuck down? - What the hell do you think

you're doing, showing up like this, making it seem like

we're wrapped up in some big, stupid romance?

Hold on. I... I didn't come here...

What the hell am I supposed to say to them

when I go back in there, huh?

How am I supposed to make them believe

- that we never fucking did anything? - I didn't... I...

I didn't come here to sweep you off your feet.

I came here as your friend,

because I don't take that role lightly.

But I do want you to leave with me right now.

What?

I spoke to the IRC supervisor down in Otay Mesa,

and I told her about you, and she said to bring you along,

that she would interview you right on the spot.

So, we're just gonna make a run for the border

when I'm supposed to be signing the papers?

They could lose the house, Nathan!

You seriously think that I'm just gonna leave with you?

What?

Right before you're "supposed to" sign the papers, Iz.

Oh, my God. Really? You know what? Fuck you, Nathan.

Do you think this is what friends do?

Because my real fr... my best friend

is in there supporting me.

Well, friends don't let friends

do monumentally stupid shit, Izzy.

Nina's letting you down.

You are un-fucking-believable.

Get off my property. Now.

What?

What?

Iz, you can sign a million contracts,

and this will always be the home of Jack and Emma Trakarsky.

You can tattoo your name on those twins,

and they will always be the children of Jack and Emma...

Izzy.

Izzy!

God damn it!

Izzy, I'm sorry.

You're not my fucking friend.

_

I love you guys so much.

- We love you, too. - We love you.

But, um...

I can't do this.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -