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1
00:00:02,435 --> 00:00:04,737
Welcome to the glamorous life
2
00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:07,573
Of your favorite superhero.
3
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:11,043
"is he being sarcastic?"
you ask.
4
00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:13,045
Yes. Yes he is.
5
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:16,749
Normally I have it great.
6
00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:20,152
Got the cool powers,
the cool team,
7
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:22,087
The coolest life possible.
8
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:24,456
But today, ugh,
I've got zero cash,
9
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,025
A grueling day
of training ahead,
10
00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:28,060
And--
11
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:30,329
And I'm soaked to my webs.
12
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,765
Ah, sometimes it just
isn't fun to be me--
13
00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,333
[Deadpool]
boring!
14
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:36,201
Focus your eyeholes
on this, spudley.
15
00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:41,473
A kung fu fiesta.
Arriba-san!
16
00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:48,814
Hiyah!
17
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:52,151
Hwah!
18
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:55,621
[video-game voice]
double wedgie achievement
unlocked.
19
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:58,390
Dang skippy.
Where are my manners?
20
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:01,360
Introductions.
21
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,228
Call me Deadpool.
22
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,198
It rhymes with "no school,"
"too cool," "ain't no fool,"
23
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,801
And "I'm the best that there is
at what I do--ool."
24
00:01:08,803 --> 00:01:10,536
Moving on.
25
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:13,105
I'm on a mission to find
the secret HQ of Taskmaster.
26
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:14,840
The big boss
for these cheese clowns.
27
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:18,243
And nothin', but nothin',
better get in my way.
28
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,312
What, like the dozen swords
in your back?
29
00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:23,415
[laughs]
I don't have swords in my--
30
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,085
Yuck. Gonna go hurl now.
31
00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:27,619
Huh,
that's gonna leave a mark.
32
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:30,622
Oh wait. No it isn't.
I have a healing factor.
33
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:31,857
[laughs]
yay me!
34
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:34,193
'scuse me
while I pull these pot stickers
35
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:35,861
Out of my spleen
and knock some heads.
36
00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:37,129
Deadpool, out.
37
00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:38,730
Hey, where'd you guys go?
38
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:41,133
Spider-Man stinks!
39
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,734
Aah!
40
00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:55,514
[Deadpool]
it's ultimate Deadpool!
41
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:58,484
Yeah.
You got 'pooled.
42
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,319
Ha-cha.
43
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:06,625
[mini-spidey]
ugh, p-u.
44
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:10,362
Hey, web-head.
45
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,597
Wow, you stink.
46
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,599
So I've heard.
47
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,400
It's like I've had
a target on my back all day.
48
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:18,871
Last at training,
first at bat.
49
00:02:18,873 --> 00:02:21,773
Spider-sense tingle--uh-oh.
50
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,208
Ugh!
51
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:25,410
[laughing]
52
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,779
Not impressed.
20 minute course run.
53
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:31,483
[coulson]
everyone else take five.
54
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,252
Stupid robots.
55
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,454
Stupid S.H.I.E.L.D training--aah!
56
00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:37,489
Could this get any worse?
57
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:44,263
[Deadpool]
fury's stupid program
was totally worth it.
58
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,497
I'm telling ya',
stick with it
59
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,499
And bam, pow, shabang,
60
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,502
You too might someday
defeat half the latverian army.
61
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,438
Like I did,
as I'm sure you've heard.
62
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,208
Plus, I 'stached doctor doom.
63
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:59,578
You? 'stached doctor doom?
64
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,647
Check it.
65
00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,482
I will crush you.
66
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:06,518
Crush. You. All!
67
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,420
Why are you laughing?
68
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,923
Do I have something
on my face?
69
00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:12,591
Deadpool!
70
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:15,260
[laughter]
71
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:17,729
I missed your laugh
the most, tiger.
72
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,565
And I mean that for realsies.
73
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,233
Bff's, 'kay?
74
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:24,369
Ugh, anyone smell
barbecued bug?
75
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,871
It's been
kind of a rough day.
76
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,873
I'm--
extremely ripe!
77
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,541
Yeesh.
78
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:32,811
Here. Strong enough for a man,
but made for a spider.
79
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:37,649
So you're fury's
newest guppy.
80
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,785
Arachni-boy, right?
Big fan, big fan.
81
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:43,222
I follow all your flops
on "superhero fails."
82
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:44,489
Aah!
83
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,892
Ugh!
84
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,360
[laughs]
85
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:49,561
What?
86
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,430
[Deadpool]
ah, you are comedy gold,
my friend.
87
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:55,234
Or at least comedy oatmeal.
As for me, you already know,
88
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:56,401
I'm Deadpool.
89
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,238
Superhero supreme
with a side of bam.
90
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,739
Nice to see
you kept my color scheme
91
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,475
When you copied my suit.
Am I, like, your idol?
92
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,511
Never heard of you.
I designed this costume myself.
93
00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:10,315
Sure. Black and white eyes,
red suit.
94
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:11,850
Though you made it your own
with the crossword theme.
95
00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:15,587
Oh wait. Webs!
Those are webs. [laughs]
96
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,623
No pouches though.
You need pouches.
97
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,626
Which reminds me
why I'm here.
98
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,527
Gotta' use
the little boys' computer.
99
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,896
Someone explain. Now.
100
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,598
[Spider-Man]
not nova.
101
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,567
Deadpool used
to train with us.
102
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,869
He left fury's hero program
right before you got here.
103
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,971
He follows his own drummer.
104
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:35,707
And man,
his drummer drums loud.
105
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,376
Now he's living the dream.
106
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:38,977
A freelance hero.
107
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:42,381
Fun, freedom, and fighting crime
however he wants.
108
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:45,484
Deadpool is the best.
The best.
109
00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:46,885
Everybody loves him.
110
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,454
Everybody?
Even fury?
111
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:53,358
[fury]
if I had a son, I'd want him
to be just like you.
112
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,726
Here, have an eye-patch.
113
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,762
It's true.
Nick totally adopted me.
114
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,997
I have papers.
And the eye patch.
115
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,499
I wear it under my mask.
116
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,467
How are you in my head?
117
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,669
Maybe I'm not.
118
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,470
You're in my head.
119
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,706
Am I blowing your mind yet?
120
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,908
Why the alumni visit,
Deadpool?
121
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,944
Long story short,
this bad dude, agent McGuffin,
122
00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:15,514
Swiped encrypted S.H.I.E.L.D files
with the secret identities
123
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,849
Of every known hero.
Including mine!
124
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,552
And yours.
And hers.
125
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,920
And his. And his. And his.
126
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,488
That's huge.
127
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,558
We should be on that case.
Why didn't fury tell us?
128
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,694
Word is that fury left
his S.H.I.E.L.D tablet
129
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,596
In a hotel bathroom.
[laughs]
130
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,565
So you can see
why he'd want to be discrete.
131
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,600
Now, see I agreed to help
even though fury and me
132
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,569
Don't always see eye to eye.
133
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:39,471
Now, do you get that?
134
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,807
Eye to eye?
Eye to eye!
135
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:45,510
Hm, get it?
[laughs]
136
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,547
Yeah, I do eye jokes too.
137
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,015
Plus, you know how busy
fury is.
138
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,616
I'm sure
he's doing something important
139
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,652
As we speak.
140
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:56,822
[monkeys screeching]
141
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,623
Deadpool.
142
00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:04,663
[Deadpool laughs]
143
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,798
Gotcha.
144
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,500
Well, since I've got
all the info I need
145
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:11,036
About agent McGuffin,
that creep,
146
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,773
I figure it's time to get back
to all the fun of being me.
147
00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:17,876
Spider-Man, back to training.
148
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,078
I got 20 new S.H.I.E.L.D-bots
with your name on 'em.
149
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,681
Here's a thought,
how about I come with you?
150
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,549
Shadow the old spidey?
151
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,451
The first Deadpool.
152
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:28,453
Yeah, whatever.
This McGuffin thing is serious.
153
00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:30,655
And hero graduate or other,
154
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:32,457
I think you could use
some backup.
155
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,626
And, to be honest,
at this exact moment
156
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:36,395
Your life sounds way cooler
than mine.
157
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:39,664
Ah, you seek to learn
from the master.
158
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,900
Today, you become a man.
159
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,469
A Spider-Man.
160
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:45,737
See ya, peeps.
161
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,439
[Spider-Man]
whoa!
162
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,141
[laughs]
163
00:06:49,143 --> 00:06:52,477
Spidey's about to get 'pooled.
164
00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:55,547
Is Deadpool here?
Did he take anything?
165
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:56,948
[monkey screeches]
166
00:06:56,950 --> 00:07:00,452
[whistling, yawning]
167
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:03,021
[Spider-Man]
you've got to be kidding me.
168
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,890
You have your own
personal jet?
169
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:08,026
Yup. It was a present
from one Tony Stark.
170
00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:14,533
He never gave me a jet.
171
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,134
Seriously,
from one super dude to another,
172
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,569
What's your secret?
173
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,871
Origin story time!
174
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,440
Yeah!
175
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:24,509
[Deadpool]
ever since I can remember,
176
00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:26,445
I've always been a fighter.
177
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:28,213
[Spider-Man]
how am I in your origin story?
178
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:29,781
[Deadpool]
don't question greatness.
179
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,451
It was like genetic engineering
or whatever.
180
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:34,820
[Deadpool]
I didn't pay attention
in social studies.
181
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,522
I was a normal baby
for 30 seconds.
182
00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:39,524
Then ninjas stole my mama.
183
00:07:39,526 --> 00:07:41,460
[crying]
184
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:44,529
Nick fury saw my awesome,
took me in,
185
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:46,231
Suckled me
on the sweet milk of justice.
186
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:48,033
Um, ew?
187
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:50,969
You're a good listener.
I like you.
188
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,972
Some advice, ditch fury.
Go freelance, like me.
189
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,174
No rules, more fun
and money.
190
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,009
Lotsa' money.
191
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,645
Wait. You get paid?
192
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:04,516
I get zapped by robots,
and you get paid.
193
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,985
Freelance hero
sounds pretty good.
194
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,822
Uh-oh! Dots.
195
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,124
[both]
aah, jetpacks! Jinx.
196
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:16,795
As I suspected.
197
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:18,897
Agent McGuffin
is selling S.H.I.E.L.D secrets
198
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:21,766
To evil forces of evil.
I have a plan.
199
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:23,568
Plan?
200
00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:25,670
Improvisation.
It's my jam.
201
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:26,938
Aah!
202
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:30,542
Oh, a screaming contest.
Aah!
203
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:46,258
Told ya' I had a plan.
204
00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:47,993
[singing]
la, la, la, la.
205
00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:54,232
Easy come, easy go.
206
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,167
[laughs]
I rhymed.
207
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:05,610
So weird.
208
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:07,646
These guys
look a lot like Taskmaster.
209
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:08,914
[Spider-Man]
bad dude.
210
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,315
He can copy
anyone's fighting style
211
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,550
Just by watching them.
212
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:12,784
Tried to recruit me once.
213
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,019
'stache.
214
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,320
How do you keep doing that?
215
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:17,622
Uh-oh.
Oh, shiny.
216
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:18,857
What is that?
217
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,659
You see my spidey-sense?
218
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,661
It's this thing in my brain
that warns me of danger.
219
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,763
I'll give you a thousand bucks
for your brain.
220
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,565
Wait. Danger?
221
00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:29,901
[both]
this is gonna' hurt.
Jinx.
222
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,677
Grunt of effort!
223
00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:45,016
Aah!
224
00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:47,886
Wee!
225
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:51,756
Hey, I'm still falling.
226
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,191
Dude, what kind of plan
was that?
227
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,093
If it weren't
for my trusty web-shooters,
228
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,328
I'd be bug paste right now.
229
00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:58,997
Ah, so "by the book."
230
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,332
But if you're gonna'
go freelance
231
00:10:00,334 --> 00:10:03,335
You have to learn
to live a little, spidey.
232
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:05,337
Whoa! Aah!
233
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:10,175
Aim for the leafy parts.
Foliage is your friend.
234
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,209
Ugh.
235
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,244
[Deadpool laughs]
236
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:16,848
Oh, our landings
were so different.
237
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,284
Aah!
Ugh.
238
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:20,719
I think I've had
enough of you.
239
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:23,355
Shh--hush, little hero.
240
00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,390
Luxuriate in the beat
of your heart,
241
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,993
The feeling you might puke
if someone offered you
242
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,394
Fish sticks.
243
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:31,763
Steaming hot.
244
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:35,400
[wretches]
245
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:37,836
I have gum!
246
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:41,072
I'm starting to rethink
this little field trip.
247
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,374
Just tell me
what your plan is.
248
00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:45,243
We go into that compound,
find agent McGuffin,
249
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,878
Snag the list,
250
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,247
Then un-alive Taskmaster
and his acolytes, capiche?
251
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,216
Wait, un-alive them?
252
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,218
Yeah, yeah here's the thing,
253
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,320
I can't really say
the k-word out loud.
254
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,922
It's a weird mental tick.
[laughs]
255
00:10:57,924 --> 00:10:59,157
But we're gonna destroy them,
make them disappear,
256
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,027
Sleep them with the fishes.
We'll k-word them.
257
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:05,096
K-word? You mean
you want to kill them?
258
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,198
Whoa, yeah,
259
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,401
That does sound bad
when you say it out loud.
260
00:11:09,403 --> 00:11:11,870
And yes,
we're going to un-alive them.
261
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,338
We can't un-alive them.
262
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,407
We can't un-alive anyone.
Deadpool!
263
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:25,984
Huh?
264
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:29,888
I said no.
265
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,256
Boy you've got a short fuse.
266
00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:33,958
Me too!
267
00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:37,362
Huh?
Run!
268
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:41,066
Aah!
269
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,333
Huh?
270
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:45,336
Break dancing.
Ow!
271
00:11:49,241 --> 00:11:51,009
What's your hang up, webs?
272
00:11:54,246 --> 00:11:56,114
[laughs]
see how I did that?
273
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,348
"webs" and "hanging?"
274
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,284
Yeah, I saw what you did.
275
00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:00,952
You tried to blow
those guys up.
276
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:04,289
Ugh, guilt over a little
spilt guts?
277
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:06,057
I used to be the same.
278
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,759
I bet you have a little angel
on your shoulder
279
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,794
Telling you
un-aliving someone is bad.
280
00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:13,331
[angel spidey sings]
ah, ah, ah, ah.
281
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:17,135
[Mini-Deadpool]
psst, that's
S.H.I.E.L.D brainwashing 101.
282
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:18,336
You wanna' earn the big bucks?
283
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:21,239
Ditch the rules for once.
284
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,141
You're not a freelance hero.
285
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:24,442
You're a mercenary.
286
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:27,145
You'll do anything for money.
Well, forget it.
287
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,947
Okay, prince goody-two-webs.
288
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:30,448
That's cool. Righteous...
289
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:34,252
But the bad guys
ain't gonna return the favor.
290
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,287
Ow?
291
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:37,956
Eh, whatevs. You know,
292
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,958
I got a healing factor
that makes wolverine go like,
293
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,194
"uh, I wish I had Deadpool's
healing factor, bub."
294
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,263
It's all in my origin story.
295
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,898
Once, a nerdy little kid
296
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,167
Fell into a radioactive
swimming pool.
297
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,970
And he emerged
with incredible powers.
298
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,238
[Spider-Man]
enough.
299
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,439
[Taskmaster]
Spider-Man.
300
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,408
Nice of you
to finally visit my school.
301
00:12:57,410 --> 00:13:00,812
Unfortunately I'm no longer
accepting applicants.
302
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:04,115
We've come for the list
of S.H.I.E.L.D agents, Taskmaster.
303
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,850
And for agent McGuffin.
304
00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:08,086
We who?
305
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:11,322
Me and dead--
Deadpool!
306
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:14,292
Deadpool is here?
307
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,262
What?
308
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:20,365
Boogity-boo!
309
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:24,102
[laughs]
did you miss me?
310
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:27,071
You. You're out of your mind
to come here.
311
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:29,407
I will destroy you.
312
00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:33,878
Dude, how--
313
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,314
Taskmaster can copy your moves
just by watching you fight.
314
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,249
Uh, maybe your moves, binky.
315
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,317
Check it.
316
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,554
How do you like this?
Wa-hoo!
317
00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:50,428
Set the body to "stun."
318
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:54,265
Gonna catch ya'.
Gonna catch ya'!
319
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,167
What I tell ya'?
What I tell ya'?
320
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:59,237
I said I'd get ya'.
Uh-huh.
321
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:02,106
Shaking my milkshake.
Oh yeah.
322
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,875
Shake it back and forth.
Uh-huh, you know it.
323
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:06,077
You love it. Uh!
324
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,213
Uh-huh.
325
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,215
Open up wide, tasky.
326
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,417
[Spider-Man]
no!
327
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:14,986
You know, sometimes
you are just no fun.
328
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,989
We'll discuss
our definitions of "fun" later.
329
00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:23,862
Let's get this S.H.I.E.L.D drive
out of here
330
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,430
Before anyone's secret identity
gets revealed.
331
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:28,633
Oh wait, wait.
I want to watch this one.
332
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,969
Nope.
333
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:34,239
Oh, come on.
I thought we bonded.
334
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:37,075
Wait, let me guess.
You're Aaron Applebaum.
335
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,543
Aaron Astin. Aaron Atwater!
336
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,578
Are you just going to keep
yelling names from "a" to "z"
337
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,013
Until you guess?
338
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:44,048
No.
339
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,350
Barry Barrington!
340
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:46,384
You're not well.
341
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,586
[laughs]
I know.
342
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,488
Oh, cool. What's that?
343
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,590
I'm gonna call S.H.I.E.L.D
so they can pick up the file
344
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,192
And Taskmaster.
345
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,326
Oops! You broke it.
346
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,629
Hey! What'd you
do that for?
347
00:14:57,631 --> 00:14:59,163
[Taskmaster]
Oh, Spider-Man.
348
00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:01,099
If you'd studied with me
instead of fury
349
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,301
You might not be so naive.
350
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,569
Who do think I stole
351
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,138
The identity list from
in the first place?
352
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,539
Agent McGuffin?
353
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,141
Heh. Confession time.
354
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,043
Yeah, it was me.
355
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:13,945
You?
356
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,247
And there is no agent McGuffin.
[laughs]
357
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,049
And also I stole the list
from S.H.I.E.L.D,
358
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,484
But Taskmaster swiped it
from me
359
00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:21,185
When I left my pouches
in the potty.
360
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:22,387
What?
361
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,555
Dude, couldn't help it.
I had indian food.
362
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,324
My legs went numb
I was in there so long.
363
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,359
You stole the list?
Why?
364
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:31,996
[laughs]
to sell it, silly. Ca-ching!
365
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:33,498
I tell you what,
366
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,334
Ditch fury
and I'll cut you in for 10%.
367
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:39,070
We'll be a team.
But I get top billing.
368
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:41,239
So, we're gonna fight, then?
369
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,241
Yeah, pretty much.
370
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:46,477
Okay...
Boom.
371
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,046
Seriously?
372
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:51,049
I hate you, Deadpool.
373
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:53,084
[Deadpool]
I know you mean "love."
374
00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:01,693
Whoa, don't break that.
That's a collector's item.
375
00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:11,069
Are you out of your mind?
376
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,171
Totally.
But I know that list
377
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,106
Is going to make some
super villain very happy.
378
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,608
And that's gonna make me
very rich.
379
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,644
So hand it over
and I'll only
380
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,612
Partially un-alive you.
381
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:24,015
Yikes.
382
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:27,652
[both]
huh?
383
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,721
Duck!
384
00:16:29,723 --> 00:16:31,622
No, piranhas!
385
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,691
Aah!
386
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:36,661
They're so bitey.
387
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:39,731
Oh that's so much funnier
when it happens to someone else.
388
00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:41,265
Booby traps.
389
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,034
[laughs]
you said, "traps."
390
00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:48,639
I can't believe
I actually looked up to you.
391
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,508
You're just as bad
as Taskmaster.
392
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,410
Sometimes.
393
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:55,646
And sometimes I'm bad for money,
sometimes I'm good for money.
394
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,616
As long as I'm having fun
with said money,
395
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:01,753
I make my own rules.
What was that?
396
00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:07,625
Aah!
397
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,293
You can't just
do whatever you want
398
00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:10,628
Without the consequences.
399
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,096
That's how people get hurt.
400
00:17:12,098 --> 00:17:15,533
Ugh, come on,
you sound just like fury.
401
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:16,734
Except not as cool.
402
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:19,337
It'll help
if I pop out your eye.
403
00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:24,609
You're good...
For a total psycho.
404
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,511
[laughs]
405
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:30,148
Oh goody,
oh, it's the insult game, okay.
406
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,784
They should call you
"elevator operator"
407
00:17:32,786 --> 00:17:34,752
'cause you're
bringing me down.
408
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,587
Or "tonsils"
409
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:40,425
'cause you're a pain
in the neck. Ba-boosh!
410
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:43,661
Lame. Next you'll be telling me
to "go soak my head."
411
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:47,131
Ah, what a swellegant idea.
412
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,699
But it'll look a lot funnier
413
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,436
In my imagination.
414
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,538
What?
415
00:17:55,774 --> 00:17:57,408
Spider-Man,
416
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,644
Go soak your head.
417
00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:05,416
Stop doing that.
You can't attack me with puns.
418
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:08,820
Puns and bullets
and pointy things. Yes I can.
419
00:18:08,822 --> 00:18:10,721
I'm running the show now.
420
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:15,093
And this is just
the tip of the spear.
421
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:18,563
This fight is getting fishy.
422
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:21,265
Smooth moves,
but I gotta' give you the hook.
423
00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,736
You can't just
string this along.
424
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:31,609
Arr, fancy meeting you here,
me wee squiggly spider.
425
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,812
Huh?
426
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,247
Fun house!
427
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:37,715
More like a mad house.
428
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:40,885
You're getting a kick
out of this, aren't you?
429
00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:49,494
Fight me any way you want.
You're not getting that list.
430
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:55,566
Aah! Hey!
431
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,202
Welcome to the funny farm.
Where you belong.
432
00:18:58,204 --> 00:19:02,140
[laughs]
don't count your chickens
just yet.
433
00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:10,481
Aah!
434
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:14,685
I can fantasy fight
'til the cows come home.
435
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:19,757
Ow. Ow ow ow.
Sue-wee! Ow.
436
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:23,594
Oh, I walked
into that one. Ow.
437
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:26,197
Don't you ever
take anything seriously?
438
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:30,334
Your S.H.I.E.L.D training?
Fury's rules? Responsibilities?
439
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:33,204
Forget S.H.I.E.L.D.
Forget rules.
440
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:36,641
Forget that these shiny sticks
are swords and hop right on.
441
00:19:38,477 --> 00:19:40,778
There's one rule
I'll never forget.
442
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:41,946
I'm throwing the book at you.
443
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:44,782
Oh, see I knew
you had a pouch.
444
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,651
Copycat!
445
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:47,785
[book voice]
with great power,
446
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:50,421
Comes great responsibility.
447
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:52,390
Ugh, that's not very clever.
448
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,458
Or funny--
449
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,535
Eh, I mastered "fantasy fu."
450
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,871
Morality, ha!
451
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,640
You know, we don't all have
the luxury of morals.
452
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,542
Have I told you
my origin story?
453
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,979
Like a billion times, now.
How about telling me the truth?
454
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:17,415
You can't handle the truth.
455
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:19,951
Really?
456
00:20:19,953 --> 00:20:21,586
Fine.
457
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,221
So once there was a kid,
458
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,790
A weird, special kid.
459
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,625
And his life was a toilet.
460
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:29,660
Maybe somebody
treated him badly.
461
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:32,797
Maybe he got hurt
by bad people.
462
00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:40,938
So maybe fury's hero-school
was the boost he needed.
463
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:45,977
And for a while, the kid bought
what fury was selling.
464
00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:47,712
Until he realized
465
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:49,814
It was more fun
to laugh at the pain.
466
00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:52,817
To hurt those that hurt you,
times a thousand.
467
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:55,253
Forget it!
You wouldn't understand.
468
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:56,821
Actually I do.
469
00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:58,656
If things had gone
a little bit differently,
470
00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:00,791
I could have been
just like Deadpool.
471
00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:02,660
Okay, so I'm gonna
call this one, bugs.
472
00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:03,995
[Deadpool]
you beat me fair and square,
473
00:21:03,997 --> 00:21:05,896
Making me feel
emotions and stuff.
474
00:21:05,898 --> 00:21:07,965
So I'm gonna go home
and cry myself to sleep
475
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,767
On my bed made of money.
476
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:12,370
Hang on. You're coming
back to S.H.I.E.L.D too.
477
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:13,604
You have to face fury.
478
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:16,841
"you have to face fury."
[laughs]
479
00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:18,809
You're hilarious.
480
00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:21,779
Smell ya' later, sucker.
Bye, Spider-Man.
481
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,714
Ouch, my butt's burning!
482
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:26,384
Weirdest fight ever.
483
00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:28,052
But at least
I got the list back.
484
00:21:28,054 --> 00:21:30,421
Sure did. You da man.
485
00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:33,357
You know, I know a guy
who'd pay top dollar for that--
486
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:35,326
Yes I am the man.
487
00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:37,395
The Spider-Man.
33508
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