Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:04,178
2
00:00:09,011 --> 00:00:11,011
[crowd chanting] U-S-A!
3
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,428
Hello, racist
bumper-sticker salespeople,
4
00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:16,720
guys who've punched
a claw machine,
5
00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,387
people who frequently graffiti
their ex's garage door,
6
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:23,637
teens who will have their
Ivy League admission rescinded,
7
00:00:23,637 --> 00:00:25,970
and other shrieking jackals!
[crowd cheers]
8
00:00:25,970 --> 00:00:28,887
I'm here to announce that,
in 2020,
9
00:00:28,887 --> 00:00:32,887
win or lose,
I will win the election!
10
00:00:32,887 --> 00:00:34,512
[crowd cheering]
11
00:00:34,512 --> 00:00:36,428
I'm walking over here now...
12
00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:39,053
showing you
that I'm keepin' it loose...
13
00:00:39,053 --> 00:00:42,512
proving to everyone that
I can be a tough walkin' man.
14
00:00:42,512 --> 00:00:44,553
And now I'm moseying on back.
15
00:00:44,553 --> 00:00:46,011
[crowd cheers]
16
00:00:46,011 --> 00:00:49,387
Now, as I explained to
ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,
17
00:00:49,387 --> 00:00:51,720
I am now accepting
foreign intelligence
18
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,720
on my Democratic opponents.
19
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,303
Simply call the number below!
20
00:00:55,303 --> 00:00:57,303
Operators are standing by!
21
00:00:57,303 --> 00:01:00,929
No more stuff on Biden.
That treasure chest is full!
22
00:01:00,929 --> 00:01:03,303
So many people
have made tonight possible,
23
00:01:03,303 --> 00:01:07,428
but none more so than
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
24
00:01:07,428 --> 00:01:11,220
You two have done
absolutely nothing to stop me,
25
00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:14,887
and, for that, please accept
this statue of a family dog
26
00:01:14,887 --> 00:01:17,220
watching the house
get robbed.
27
00:01:17,220 --> 00:01:20,095
You said we'd discuss
the infrastructure bill!
28
00:01:20,095 --> 00:01:21,553
You're being
too pushy.
29
00:01:21,553 --> 00:01:23,220
Thank you, Mr. President.
[crowd cheering]
30
00:01:23,220 --> 00:01:25,428
-Thank you, everyone!
-You're making us blush!
31
00:01:25,428 --> 00:01:27,387
For more on
my second-term agenda,
32
00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:31,595
please direct your easily seized
attention to the jumbotron!
33
00:01:31,595 --> 00:01:33,845
[narrator] If you thought
President Trump's first term
34
00:01:33,845 --> 00:01:35,303
got your pulse pounding,
35
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,887
his second term
will make your heart explode.
36
00:01:37,887 --> 00:01:40,679
National Guard...on speed dial.
37
00:01:40,679 --> 00:01:43,011
Nuclear secrets...for sale.
38
00:01:43,011 --> 00:01:45,387
Basic human decency...buh-bye!
39
00:01:45,387 --> 00:01:47,470
And think Trump
can't spell any worse?
40
00:01:47,470 --> 00:01:48,970
Think aglenn.
41
00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:50,929
Donald Trump 2020.
42
00:01:50,929 --> 00:01:53,095
You're Gonna Get
a Rash, Buster.
43
00:01:53,095 --> 00:01:54,512
[President Trump] Alright!
44
00:01:54,512 --> 00:01:56,637
Who wants pig hearts?!
[air cannon firing]
45
00:01:56,637 --> 00:02:00,261
Not enough to go around,
so start clawing!
46
00:02:00,261 --> 00:02:01,970
47
00:02:01,970 --> 00:02:05,512
[whistling]
48
00:02:05,512 --> 00:02:09,345
49
00:02:09,345 --> 00:02:11,220
50
00:02:11,220 --> 00:02:13,261
[President Trump] Don, did you
put the crime sock on the door?
51
00:02:13,261 --> 00:02:15,178
Yeah, Dad.
No one will bother us.
52
00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:17,637
Okay, let's talk
shady self-enrichment!
53
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,345
How's our
Washington hotel?
54
00:02:19,345 --> 00:02:20,637
We're killing it!
55
00:02:20,637 --> 00:02:23,553
The Chinese spent five million
dollars on room service.
56
00:02:23,553 --> 00:02:25,512
It's floor-to-ceiling
french toast!
57
00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:27,762
Okay, let's hear
from my favorite son.
58
00:02:27,762 --> 00:02:29,011
Ivanka?
59
00:02:29,011 --> 00:02:30,637
Mnuchin gave me the keys
to the Treasury
60
00:02:30,637 --> 00:02:33,011
and said on the weekends,
anything goes!
61
00:02:33,011 --> 00:02:34,512
What the hell,
Pompeo?!
62
00:02:34,512 --> 00:02:36,470
Hey, is this sock on
the doorknob up for grabs?
63
00:02:36,470 --> 00:02:38,053
-It's pretty nice.
-La la la la la!
64
00:02:38,053 --> 00:02:39,804
I can't hear what's
being conspired in here!
65
00:02:39,804 --> 00:02:41,261
Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
66
00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:43,095
Look what you did, Pompeo!
67
00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:45,095
You take the crime sock
off the door,
68
00:02:45,095 --> 00:02:47,845
and this place turns into
Grand Central Station!
69
00:02:47,845 --> 00:02:50,220
So...can I put this
on my foot or...?
70
00:02:50,220 --> 00:02:53,220
[Jared] Even though Mueller
gave you a pass on collusion,
71
00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:55,095
you still have to worry
about the money laundering,
72
00:02:55,095 --> 00:02:56,512
the campaign finance
violations,
73
00:02:56,512 --> 00:02:58,345
and those other crimes
I won't mention in case
74
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,470
there's still recording devices
hidden in the lampshades.
75
00:03:00,470 --> 00:03:03,637
Hello. I'll just pardon
myself. Are we done?
76
00:03:03,637 --> 00:03:06,345
I could be committing
systematic genocide right now.
77
00:03:06,345 --> 00:03:08,720
Okay, it is far from guaranteed
that the Supreme Court
78
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,720
will uphold the power
to pardon yourself.
79
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,178
Of course
they will, Jared.
80
00:03:12,178 --> 00:03:15,887
The ruling was foretold in
the Great Prophecy of Valantium.
81
00:03:15,887 --> 00:03:17,136
Let me ask you.
82
00:03:17,136 --> 00:03:19,053
H-How exactly do you think
the Supreme Court works?
83
00:03:19,053 --> 00:03:20,595
If you spent less time
in the weight room
84
00:03:20,595 --> 00:03:22,553
and more time in class,
you would know that...
85
00:03:22,553 --> 00:03:24,553
[President Trump] ...every
half moon, the Supreme Court
86
00:03:24,553 --> 00:03:27,887
rises out of the ancient swamps
of Kilga-Goranth
87
00:03:27,887 --> 00:03:30,845
to exact their
righteous judgment on our kind.
88
00:03:30,845 --> 00:03:32,095
The big, buff justices
89
00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:34,303
wear magical cloaks
that they can keep on
90
00:03:34,303 --> 00:03:36,720
even when they go through
airport security.
91
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,720
Justice
92
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,261
You're actually a lot
closer than I thought.
93
00:03:41,261 --> 00:03:42,762
94
00:03:42,762 --> 00:03:44,929
[President Trump]
Ooh, justice!
95
00:03:44,929 --> 00:03:47,220
Mmm, justice.
96
00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:49,637
Ooh, justice.
97
00:03:49,637 --> 00:03:51,428
I'm Jake Tapper,
and I go to movies
98
00:03:51,428 --> 00:03:54,261
just to shush stepdads
and their sons.
99
00:03:54,261 --> 00:03:57,261
Justice John Roberts spoke
today at a legal conference
100
00:03:57,261 --> 00:03:59,428
and discussed the power
of the president
101
00:03:59,428 --> 00:04:01,428
to pardon himself.
Take a look.
102
00:04:01,428 --> 00:04:04,345
Obviously, I'm not going to
present my opinion here,
103
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,512
but I will say that
104
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:08,261
presidential power
is not absolute.
105
00:04:08,261 --> 00:04:10,345
Here to analyze
Roberts' comments
106
00:04:10,345 --> 00:04:13,178
is constitutional scholar,
political expert,
107
00:04:13,178 --> 00:04:15,053
and mezzo soprano -- me.
108
00:04:15,053 --> 00:04:19,053
Trump is definitely screwed
109
00:04:19,053 --> 00:04:20,553
110
00:04:20,553 --> 00:04:23,970
I booked our next big-game
hunting trip, Don!
111
00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:25,929
They just shove
a drugged-up lion
112
00:04:25,929 --> 00:04:27,762
into the back
of a Honda Odyssey,
113
00:04:27,762 --> 00:04:29,804
and we get to shoot it
through the windows.
114
00:04:29,804 --> 00:04:32,428
I'm afraid you'll have to take
those hunting trips alone.
115
00:04:32,428 --> 00:04:34,303
As the eldest,
I'll be inheriting
116
00:04:34,303 --> 00:04:36,136
the presidency in 2024.
117
00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:38,553
So if you're launching
your political career,
118
00:04:38,553 --> 00:04:41,720
does that mean I'm gonna run
the Trump Organization?
119
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,345
You're not cut out
for that!
120
00:04:43,345 --> 00:04:46,136
You're meant for dumber shit
like ventriloquism school.
121
00:04:46,136 --> 00:04:49,261
122
00:04:49,261 --> 00:04:51,637
I tried, but me
and Deion the Donkey
123
00:04:51,637 --> 00:04:53,053
didn't have
what it takes.
124
00:04:53,053 --> 00:04:54,887
Then you must show Dad
that you can be
125
00:04:54,887 --> 00:04:57,053
an upstanding businessman
like me.
126
00:04:57,053 --> 00:04:58,637
Now pretend you lost
your factory job
127
00:04:58,637 --> 00:05:01,136
so I can practice nodding
as if I care.
128
00:05:01,136 --> 00:05:03,637
[sobbing] W-We're down
to one single sheet...
Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care.
129
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,011
...of white bread for
my family of eleven.
I mean, I do care.
130
00:05:06,011 --> 00:05:07,345
Nodding, nodding.
Please, Mr. Trump.
131
00:05:07,345 --> 00:05:08,762
132
00:05:08,762 --> 00:05:10,011
[McConnell]
You're not screwed.
133
00:05:10,011 --> 00:05:11,387
You got four out of five
134
00:05:11,387 --> 00:05:13,512
conservative justices
in the bag.
135
00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:15,637
Just go schmooze
the robes off of him.
136
00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:18,387
I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch.
I'm the schmooz-ee.
137
00:05:18,387 --> 00:05:21,011
Check the mug. I just wish
I could add more buff
138
00:05:21,011 --> 00:05:23,470
Supreme Court justices
who dig my vibe.
139
00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:25,345
That's called
"packing the court,"
140
00:05:25,345 --> 00:05:27,428
and there's nothing
in the Constitution
141
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:28,845
that says you can't do it.
142
00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:32,261
I'm sorry, but why the eff
did you not say this earlier?
143
00:05:32,261 --> 00:05:34,512
Upending centuries
of judicial protocol
144
00:05:34,512 --> 00:05:37,679
is way easier than schmoozing
John Roberts for three minutes!
145
00:05:37,679 --> 00:05:39,053
Just a heads up, though.
146
00:05:39,053 --> 00:05:41,804
The Democrats might have
some thoughts on this.
147
00:05:41,804 --> 00:05:43,345
[both screaming wildly,
glass shatters]
148
00:05:43,345 --> 00:05:44,762
149
00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:47,220
[Eric]
And as Aristotle said,
150
00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:48,387
"Fear is pain...
[groaning]
151
00:05:48,387 --> 00:05:51,929
...arising from the
anticipation of evil."
152
00:05:51,929 --> 00:05:56,595
That concludes my one-slide
PowerPoint by Eric Tump.
153
00:05:56,595 --> 00:06:00,136
Sorry about the typo.
I couldn't find the backspace.
154
00:06:00,136 --> 00:06:03,387
Eric, you're just not cut out
for the family business.
155
00:06:03,387 --> 00:06:06,387
Remember when I let you build
Trump International Manhattan?
156
00:06:06,387 --> 00:06:10,053
I believe you're referring
to the infamous Jelly Tower.
157
00:06:10,053 --> 00:06:11,929
We saved a lot of money
on beans
158
00:06:11,929 --> 00:06:14,095
but lost a lot
of money on jelly.
159
00:06:14,095 --> 00:06:15,261
Hmm.
160
00:06:15,261 --> 00:06:16,887
161
00:06:16,887 --> 00:06:18,595
[cackling wildly]
162
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:21,303
My father liked to dangle
his approval in front of me,
163
00:06:21,303 --> 00:06:22,762
and it's only right
I do the same.
164
00:06:22,762 --> 00:06:25,261
Prove to me you can handle
more responsibility,
165
00:06:25,261 --> 00:06:27,887
and I'll make you
my last-ditch pick for CEO.
166
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:32,011
Dad, I'll be so responsible,
you'll leave your kids with me.
167
00:06:32,011 --> 00:06:34,345
Fat chance!
My kids are assholes!
168
00:06:34,345 --> 00:06:36,261
You wouldn't last
a second!
169
00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:38,637
[C-SPAN narrator] We now join
the Senate Judiciary Committee
170
00:06:38,637 --> 00:06:40,595
who is hearing testimony
from President Trump's
171
00:06:40,595 --> 00:06:44,220
Supreme Court nominee,
My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.
172
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:46,261
[Lindell] So, I crawled
out of the drain pipe,
173
00:06:46,261 --> 00:06:48,303
my pants shredded
like those things
174
00:06:48,303 --> 00:06:50,428
that slap you at the car wash
175
00:06:50,428 --> 00:06:52,303
when you're hiding out
from three guys
176
00:06:52,303 --> 00:06:55,011
with knives Scotch-taped
to their knuckles,
177
00:06:55,011 --> 00:06:56,887
and all I've got left
to my name
178
00:06:56,887 --> 00:07:01,095
is a baby bottle full of NyQuil
and 30 dimes of flake.
179
00:07:01,095 --> 00:07:05,345
So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya
gotta get the heck out of Fresno
180
00:07:05,345 --> 00:07:08,178
before you end up
married again."
181
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:12,178
Sir, uh, all we asked
was your date of birth.
182
00:07:12,178 --> 00:07:15,345
I can give you the month --
summer.
183
00:07:15,345 --> 00:07:17,804
"Crash-and-burn"
is what people are saying
184
00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,762
about Trump's effort
to pack the court.
185
00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:22,178
The three remaining nominees
withdrew after learning
186
00:07:22,178 --> 00:07:26,136
their wages would be garnished
for child support. Yeesh!
187
00:07:26,136 --> 00:07:28,345
[thunder rumbling]
188
00:07:28,345 --> 00:07:30,887
[President Trump groaning]
189
00:07:30,887 --> 00:07:32,470
Oh, God.
190
00:07:32,470 --> 00:07:35,178
[Judge] Donald J. Trump,
the court finds you guilty
191
00:07:35,178 --> 00:07:38,512
of phony witch-hunt charges
made up by losers and fakes!
192
00:07:38,512 --> 00:07:41,345
I sentence you to
a million years in prison!
193
00:07:41,345 --> 00:07:43,136
[gavel bangs]
194
00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,428
[cell-door slam echoes]
195
00:07:44,428 --> 00:07:46,470
[warden]
Recreation time is up!
196
00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,512
Everyone back in their cells
197
00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:51,595
for 23 hours
of sedentary rest!
198
00:07:51,595 --> 00:07:53,053
Hooray!
[prisoner] Whoo!
199
00:07:53,053 --> 00:07:55,011
Ahh. I kinda like this.
200
00:07:55,011 --> 00:07:57,428
No one's making me do stuff,
food's chewy,
201
00:07:57,428 --> 00:08:00,512
I get cool geometric tattoos
from white supremacists.
202
00:08:00,512 --> 00:08:01,845
[rattling]
203
00:08:01,845 --> 00:08:04,345
You said it, Dad!
I mean, roomie!
204
00:08:04,345 --> 00:08:06,011
I got a million years
in here, too!
205
00:08:06,011 --> 00:08:08,762
How many years is a
million years? Let's count.
206
00:08:08,762 --> 00:08:12,345
One, two, three,
four, five...
207
00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:14,428
sex -- sick! -- seven!
208
00:08:14,428 --> 00:08:17,970
[screaming]
209
00:08:17,970 --> 00:08:20,261
210
00:08:20,261 --> 00:08:21,679
[President Trump]
You were right, Mitch.
211
00:08:21,679 --> 00:08:22,845
I must be the schmoozer,
212
00:08:22,845 --> 00:08:24,387
and Supreme Court,
the schmoozees.
213
00:08:24,387 --> 00:08:26,679
Great! What we need
is a fancy place
214
00:08:26,679 --> 00:08:30,428
where French guys serve Italian
food under Chinese lanterns!
215
00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:31,887
We're in Washington,
Rudy.
216
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:33,929
All the restaurants suck,
and there aren't any good
217
00:08:33,929 --> 00:08:35,637
husband-and-wife
cabaret acts.
218
00:08:35,637 --> 00:08:37,387
There's only one place
ritzy enough
219
00:08:37,387 --> 00:08:39,762
to schmooze Roberts
and those other nobodies.
220
00:08:39,762 --> 00:08:42,804
The place where everyone can be
whoever they want to be.
221
00:08:42,804 --> 00:08:45,470
As long as they pay
the $200,000 fee.
222
00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:47,720
Where on Earth
could that be?!
223
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:52,637
224
00:09:38,553 --> 00:09:41,929
Thank you for all willingly
coming to Mar-a-Lago!
225
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:45,720
For the 1st Annual Supreme Court
Gala Spectacular!
226
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,637
Your security detail
picked us all up
227
00:09:47,637 --> 00:09:49,303
from our homes
in the dead of night.
228
00:09:49,303 --> 00:09:50,929
And they scared
the daylights
229
00:09:50,929 --> 00:09:53,595
out of the paparazzi
standing in my yard.
230
00:09:53,595 --> 00:09:57,261
Did you know that last year
they made two movies about me?
231
00:09:57,261 --> 00:09:58,345
[Justices, annoyed]
Yes.
232
00:09:58,345 --> 00:10:00,261
Who gives a crap
how we got here?
233
00:10:00,261 --> 00:10:02,512
We're away from our jobs,
our families,
234
00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:04,303
the specters of our past.
235
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:05,929
That's the
alarming spirit.
236
00:10:05,929 --> 00:10:09,136
Swing vote John Roberts,
you're so cute and dangerous.
237
00:10:09,136 --> 00:10:11,804
Come ride with me
in my executive golf cart.
238
00:10:11,804 --> 00:10:15,136
The rest of you can ride in
Stephen Miller's hatchback.
239
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:18,428
No eating of the smoked trout
in the back seat!
240
00:10:18,428 --> 00:10:21,428
That's for
Uber customers.
241
00:10:21,428 --> 00:10:24,095
Does Roberts look like
he'll melt in my arms yet?
242
00:10:24,095 --> 00:10:27,011
I'd worry more about your sailor
on shore leave over there.
243
00:10:27,011 --> 00:10:29,762
It says you're open at 8:00,
but it's 8:02!
244
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:32,303
I could sue you
for false advertising!
245
00:10:32,303 --> 00:10:33,762
[beatboxing]
246
00:10:33,762 --> 00:10:35,637
He asked the concierge if,
instead of a regular room
247
00:10:35,637 --> 00:10:36,762
with a mini-bar,
248
00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:38,720
he could get a mini-room
with a regular bar.
249
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,178
I could look after
Judge Kavanaugh!
250
00:10:41,178 --> 00:10:42,679
Sure, kid.
251
00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:44,970
Keep that twitchy lush
from ruining my schmooze-fest,
252
00:10:44,970 --> 00:10:48,512
and you can be CEO of any
of my billion-dollar fronts.
253
00:10:48,512 --> 00:10:49,637
254
00:10:49,637 --> 00:10:51,970
Excuse me.
Could I have a juice?
255
00:10:51,970 --> 00:10:55,220
My on-again-off-again boyfriend
always gets me a juice.
256
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:58,178
I told you --
he's a starfucker!
257
00:10:58,178 --> 00:11:00,553
To get the full
Mar-a-Lago experience,
258
00:11:00,553 --> 00:11:02,679
you gotta sit
with the power players.
259
00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:05,178
Rudy Giuliani.
God damn it!
260
00:11:05,178 --> 00:11:08,178
I spilled ketchup on the gravy
I spilled on my suit!
261
00:11:08,178 --> 00:11:10,178
Shinzo Abe.
He's always here.
262
00:11:10,178 --> 00:11:12,720
[speaking Japanese]
263
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,178
Then there's this Russian guy.
We have an understanding.
264
00:11:15,178 --> 00:11:16,970
He tells me to do stuff,
and I do it.
265
00:11:16,970 --> 00:11:18,011
[grunts]
266
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,553
We should really invite over
the other justices.
267
00:11:20,553 --> 00:11:22,512
They actually told me
they think you stink
268
00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:24,136
and are probably
a bad kisser.
269
00:11:24,136 --> 00:11:26,512
The best way to get back at them
is to let me pardon myself
270
00:11:26,512 --> 00:11:29,178
for crimes past,
present, and future.
271
00:11:29,178 --> 00:11:32,178
I...have to go to
the little men's room.
272
00:11:32,178 --> 00:11:34,762
Oy. Way to go, Shinzo.
You blew it.
273
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,470
Take your meal
back to your room.
274
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:38,637
It's always
Shinzo's fault.
275
00:11:38,637 --> 00:11:41,887
And don't spill caramel
on the bed again!
276
00:11:41,887 --> 00:11:43,261
[Abe] I know!
277
00:11:43,261 --> 00:11:44,595
So, in order to graduate
278
00:11:44,595 --> 00:11:47,679
from Victor Balloon's
School of Ventriloquism,
279
00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:49,762
Deion the Donkey and I
needed to execute
280
00:11:49,762 --> 00:11:52,553
the fabled
double-donkey hee-haw.
281
00:11:52,553 --> 00:11:54,720
Anyways,
you work at, uh...?
282
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,929
SCOTUS! I should have
never signed up!
283
00:11:56,929 --> 00:11:59,053
It's the worst thing
I've ever done!
284
00:11:59,053 --> 00:12:00,845
Where's my beer?!
285
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:04,011
I worked my whole life to
drink a beer right now!
286
00:12:04,011 --> 00:12:07,095
I'm actually not supposed
to let you drink.
287
00:12:07,095 --> 00:12:10,762
Uhh! But I like beer!
I like beer! I like beer!!
288
00:12:10,762 --> 00:12:12,470
What if I just
vouch for you
289
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:15,011
like the way
Squi vouched for me?
290
00:12:15,011 --> 00:12:16,261
You'd do that?
291
00:12:16,261 --> 00:12:19,095
Beep-borp-bup-bup.
Hello? Mr. Trump?
292
00:12:19,095 --> 00:12:20,929
Yes, I am sober.
293
00:12:20,929 --> 00:12:23,470
You'll make Eric the CEO
tomorrow morning?
294
00:12:23,470 --> 00:12:25,303
I'll tell him right now!
Beep.
295
00:12:25,303 --> 00:12:27,136
A round of beers
to celebrate?!
296
00:12:27,136 --> 00:12:29,345
Okay! But just one.
297
00:12:29,345 --> 00:12:30,929
[squeaking]
298
00:12:30,929 --> 00:12:33,428
299
00:12:33,428 --> 00:12:35,387
[sea birds crying]
300
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:37,679
[clanging]
G-Gah!
301
00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:40,387
Rise and shine,
my favorite justice!
302
00:12:40,387 --> 00:12:43,387
We've got an amazing,
action-packed day ahead of us.
303
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,720
How did you get in here?
304
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,804
I have all the keys
to all the doors.
305
00:12:46,804 --> 00:12:48,720
The groundskeeper fished
the bloated, dead guy
306
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,637
out of the pool,
so get your trunks on,
307
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,178
then you'll let me
pardon myself,
308
00:12:52,178 --> 00:12:53,970
then we'll hit
the omelet bar.
309
00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:56,303
I know you're trying to
exert undue influence on me
310
00:12:56,303 --> 00:12:57,637
to vote in your favor.
311
00:12:57,637 --> 00:13:00,553
And as umpire of the court,
I call that a foul ball.
312
00:13:00,553 --> 00:13:02,095
I usually don't do this,
313
00:13:02,095 --> 00:13:05,178
but what if I switched you
to a bed-bug free room?
314
00:13:05,178 --> 00:13:07,804
rock music plays
315
00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:10,970
[slurring] Is that the hardest
you can slap, Jelly Boy?!
316
00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:13,845
[slurring] Hey! You promised
you wouldn't call me that!
317
00:13:13,845 --> 00:13:16,136
I turned my back
on Deion the Donkey
318
00:13:16,136 --> 00:13:17,637
to build Jelly Tower!
319
00:13:17,637 --> 00:13:20,470
Oh, I'm sorry,
Jelly Boy!
320
00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:23,887
You gonna cry boysenberry tears
out of your marmalade eyes
321
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:27,512
coming out of your
jelly face, Jelly Boy?!
322
00:13:27,512 --> 00:13:29,720
I'm a Jelly Man!
323
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,095
Oww!
324
00:13:31,095 --> 00:13:34,136
Now my face is gonna go
from beautiful crimson
325
00:13:34,136 --> 00:13:35,345
to ugly vermilion!
326
00:13:35,345 --> 00:13:37,512
What are you
gonna do about it --
327
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:41,178
wah-wah cry like you did
at your hearing?
328
00:13:41,178 --> 00:13:43,178
I'm gonna head-butt you
'til you die!
329
00:13:43,178 --> 00:13:44,428
Bring it!
330
00:13:44,428 --> 00:13:45,970
[both] One, two...
331
00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:47,512
[both scream]
332
00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:50,845
Donald, quit trying to
schmooze the Supreme Court
333
00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:53,470
and just poke them with
a poison-tipped umbrella.
334
00:13:53,470 --> 00:13:55,512
We don't have umbrellas
in Florida.
335
00:13:55,512 --> 00:13:56,845
It's the Sunshine State.
336
00:13:56,845 --> 00:13:58,970
Then get some kompromat
that'll make Roberts
337
00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:00,512
the laughingstock
of the whole judiciary.
338
00:14:00,512 --> 00:14:02,095
Ooh, and while
you're at it,
339
00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:04,303
do the other justices
dirty, too!
340
00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:06,720
That's why you're the leader
of the free world.
341
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,220
I can't take
all the credit.
342
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:10,387
You got to give some
to the death squads.
343
00:14:10,387 --> 00:14:11,887
[classical music plays]
344
00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:15,261
Wow! Do you guys know
how to party or what?!
345
00:14:15,261 --> 00:14:16,553
346
00:14:16,553 --> 00:14:18,303
And keep that applause going
347
00:14:18,303 --> 00:14:21,053
for our Guy of the Year
Award recipient,
348
00:14:21,053 --> 00:14:23,220
Chief Justice Roberts!
349
00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:26,428
Are you any closer
to giving me my self-pardon?
350
00:14:26,428 --> 00:14:29,011
I said "no"
and I look like a fool.
351
00:14:29,011 --> 00:14:31,553
Fine! Then the only thing left
is the group kompromat --
352
00:14:31,553 --> 00:14:32,762
I mean group photo.
353
00:14:32,762 --> 00:14:35,387
Everyone grab some champagne
and hop on stage!
354
00:14:35,387 --> 00:14:37,220
[Justice] Let's just do this
so we can go to bed.
355
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,428
Sanders, remember.
Downward angle,
find your light.
356
00:14:39,428 --> 00:14:40,929
I know, I know.
357
00:14:40,929 --> 00:14:42,387
Say "blackmail."
358
00:14:42,387 --> 00:14:43,970
[Justices] Blackmail.
[camera shutter clicks]
359
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,553
Is it hot fire?
360
00:14:45,553 --> 00:14:48,720
I've got my kompromat,
I've got my kompromat
361
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,136
Wow. You should be
on Broadway.
362
00:14:50,136 --> 00:14:52,095
So the Supreme Court
will issue a decision
363
00:14:52,095 --> 00:14:54,720
on the presidential
self-pardon Monday at noon.
364
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,220
I wonder who
I'll self-pardon first.
365
00:14:57,220 --> 00:14:59,261
Hmm. I'm thinking me.
366
00:14:59,261 --> 00:15:01,095
[Cooper] Look at that.
As a result of this
367
00:15:01,095 --> 00:15:03,845
compromising leaked photo,
the eight justices pictured
368
00:15:03,845 --> 00:15:05,804
have recused themselves
from all legal matters
369
00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,095
pertaining to the president.
370
00:15:07,095 --> 00:15:08,679
Who would leak
such a thing?
371
00:15:08,679 --> 00:15:11,845
I took that in the privacy
of a 250-seat ballroom
372
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,470
with 19 entrances.
373
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:16,011
The hot photo appeared
on the Instagram account
374
00:15:16,011 --> 00:15:18,512
of Japanese Prime Minister
Shinzo Abe.
375
00:15:18,512 --> 00:15:21,095
I want Shinzo's badge and gun
on my desk by morning.
376
00:15:21,095 --> 00:15:22,929
This means that,
in the upcoming hearing
377
00:15:22,929 --> 00:15:25,136
concerning the president's
self-pardon power,
378
00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,011
the opinion will be issued
at the sole discretion
379
00:15:27,011 --> 00:15:30,720
of the one Justice not recused,
Brett Kavanaugh.
380
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:31,970
Ohh! Even better!
381
00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,595
He'll give you
the kind of justice
382
00:15:33,595 --> 00:15:35,679
that rich, white guys have
been passing back and forth
383
00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:37,220
ever since
the nation's founding.
384
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:38,804
All we have to do
is make sure
385
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:40,679
Brett Kavanaugh's
on that bench on Monday.
386
00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:43,303
Don't worry. I got
my best, weirdest son
387
00:15:43,303 --> 00:15:44,637
taking care of him.
388
00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:48,178
[weakly] Whoa.
389
00:15:48,178 --> 00:15:49,970
What happened
last night?
390
00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:53,261
It's just like that R-rated
bachelor-party movie
391
00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:54,970
The Hang Glider.
392
00:15:54,970 --> 00:15:57,178
393
00:15:57,178 --> 00:15:58,970
[Kavanaugh] "Jelly Man,
last night reminded me
394
00:15:58,970 --> 00:16:00,804
how much I enjoy
being away from it all,
395
00:16:00,804 --> 00:16:02,637
drowning in liquid fun!
396
00:16:02,637 --> 00:16:03,970
Don't come looking for me,
397
00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:05,428
or I'll take the fuck off
running!
398
00:16:05,428 --> 00:16:08,095
Signed, coach of my daughter's
basketball team, Brett K."
399
00:16:08,095 --> 00:16:10,178
[screams]
400
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:13,011
I can't find him anywhere, Don!
401
00:16:13,011 --> 00:16:15,387
You're lucky I'm an
expert at understanding
402
00:16:15,387 --> 00:16:18,053
the inner workings
of a middle-aged party king.
403
00:16:18,053 --> 00:16:19,428
You have any clues?
404
00:16:19,428 --> 00:16:23,637
There's a loafer print headed
due west in this mound of vomit.
405
00:16:23,637 --> 00:16:26,178
He flew the coop!
I'm coming down there, Eric.
406
00:16:26,178 --> 00:16:28,136
Good thing I have shit loads
of Southwest points
407
00:16:28,136 --> 00:16:30,679
from tickets I bought so I could
get drunk at La Guardia.
408
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:32,929
Wait! I think
I know where he is!
409
00:16:32,929 --> 00:16:36,011
Have you ever heard of
a town called...Orlando?
410
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,845
Have you ever heard
of a town called
411
00:16:37,845 --> 00:16:39,553
"Shut Up,
I'll Meet You There"?
412
00:16:39,553 --> 00:16:41,011
413
00:16:41,011 --> 00:16:43,804
Let us bow our heads in prayer
to Brett Kavanaugh
414
00:16:43,804 --> 00:16:46,553
for making this lawlessness
possible for me.
415
00:16:46,553 --> 00:16:49,387
May he go to bed
without getting the spins.
416
00:16:49,387 --> 00:16:50,387
[all] Amen.
417
00:16:50,387 --> 00:16:51,845
Now, what crimes
should I commit?
418
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:55,053
And remember, there are no small
crimes -- only short criminals.
419
00:16:55,053 --> 00:16:56,512
Before you commit
more crimes,
420
00:16:56,512 --> 00:16:57,929
shouldn't you wait
until Kavanaugh
421
00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,720
actually hands down
his ruling?
422
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,220
That's strike three,
Pompeo.
423
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,095
Strikes one and two
were existing.
424
00:17:03,095 --> 00:17:04,387
Will there be
any more innings?
425
00:17:04,387 --> 00:17:05,929
We just found
our next crime --
426
00:17:05,929 --> 00:17:09,387
we're gonna torture Pompeo until
he swallows his own tongue!
427
00:17:09,387 --> 00:17:11,053
-That's great!
-Let's kill him, huh?
428
00:17:11,053 --> 00:17:13,053
I'm free all day,
so just let me know.
429
00:17:13,053 --> 00:17:14,679
[dolphin chittering]
430
00:17:14,679 --> 00:17:16,220
[host] These dolphins
are kept alive
431
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:19,011
only by the fish
they receive mid-backflip.
432
00:17:19,011 --> 00:17:22,553
Wow! Wait. What the hell
are we doing at SeaWorld?
433
00:17:22,553 --> 00:17:26,011
Brett's note said he wanted
to drown in "liquid fun."
434
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:29,804
I used my deductive,
future CEO logic to deduce
435
00:17:29,804 --> 00:17:34,095
that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun
capital of Florida.
436
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:37,929
Eric, "liquid fun"
is bro-slang for beer!
437
00:17:37,929 --> 00:17:40,095
There's no beer
at SeaWorld!
438
00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:42,929
How long has he been gone?
Two days.
439
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,929
Two days of drunk stumbling
440
00:17:44,929 --> 00:17:47,095
is four days
of sober sprinting.
441
00:17:47,095 --> 00:17:48,470
He could be anywhere,
442
00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:52,261
you irresponsible, grade-A,
grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!
443
00:17:52,261 --> 00:17:54,929
It's the weekend,
it's time to have fun
444
00:17:54,929 --> 00:17:57,053
Mike Pompeo,
for the crime of being
445
00:17:57,053 --> 00:17:59,220
a boring-annoying-dumb
loser,
446
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,762
I sentence you to
sledgehammering of the legs,
447
00:18:01,762 --> 00:18:04,095
then blowtorching,
then poisoning,
448
00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:06,970
and finally being eaten
good and slow by fire ants.
449
00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:08,887
If I'm gonna be
covered in ants,
450
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:10,762
can I at least have
a picnic with them?
451
00:18:10,762 --> 00:18:13,261
That's it. I'm setting
the crossbow to turbo.
452
00:18:13,261 --> 00:18:15,011
It's Eric, sir.
Do you wanna talk
453
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:16,970
or should I just
make up something?
454
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,220
Ugh...
455
00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:19,804
Dad, remember
when you said
456
00:18:19,804 --> 00:18:22,845
you'd always love me
no matter what?
Nope.
457
00:18:22,845 --> 00:18:25,345
I lost Brett Kavanaugh!
458
00:18:25,345 --> 00:18:28,553
[crying] D-a-a-ad!
459
00:18:28,553 --> 00:18:30,095
Kavanaugh is gone.
460
00:18:30,095 --> 00:18:32,220
Now I'm just another
below-the-law schmuck
461
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:34,637
who can be thrown in jail
like my former lawyer,
462
00:18:34,637 --> 00:18:35,845
former campaign chief,
463
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:38,595
and three dozen
of my closest associates.
464
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:41,804
I could pardon you if I was
president. Hint, hint.
465
00:18:41,804 --> 00:18:44,345
It's been two days
466
00:18:44,345 --> 00:18:47,220
since Supreme Court Justice
Brett Kavanaugh
467
00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:50,178
disappeared into
the humid badlands of Florida.
468
00:18:50,178 --> 00:18:52,136
Search parties
continue to comb through
469
00:18:52,136 --> 00:18:54,345
every roadside motel bar
470
00:18:54,345 --> 00:18:57,720
and empty Circuit City with
a back door you can jimmy open.
471
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,679
Maybe they found Kavanaugh
on Hannity.
472
00:18:59,679 --> 00:19:02,762
With Brett Kavanaugh missing,
we all have no choice
473
00:19:02,762 --> 00:19:05,595
but to retreat underground
with the survivalist buckets
474
00:19:05,595 --> 00:19:08,178
for sale exclusively
on my website!
475
00:19:08,178 --> 00:19:11,887
My favorite is the Hannity
Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!
476
00:19:11,887 --> 00:19:13,887
Mmm! Buy the --
Buy the whole pail!
477
00:19:13,887 --> 00:19:16,845
Melania, I can't go to
prison looking this pretty.
478
00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:18,220
I know this is difficult,
479
00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,303
but I need you to hit me
as hard as you --
480
00:19:22,303 --> 00:19:24,220
Thanks for
pitchin' in, honey.
481
00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:25,553
482
00:19:25,553 --> 00:19:26,887
[Eric] Drat!
483
00:19:26,887 --> 00:19:28,345
Thought it might be
Kavanaugh,
484
00:19:28,345 --> 00:19:31,845
but it's just another
dead, bloated guy.
485
00:19:31,845 --> 00:19:33,845
Time to face facts --
you'll always be
486
00:19:33,845 --> 00:19:35,345
the businessman
fisher-outer
487
00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:37,178
and never
the businessman fishee.
488
00:19:37,178 --> 00:19:40,345
How will I ever live up
to my family name?
489
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,428
All I have
are my handsome gums
490
00:19:42,428 --> 00:19:46,387
and 28 credits toward
my ventriloquism degree.
491
00:19:46,387 --> 00:19:48,720
Forget it, Eric.
Your only career path now
492
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,553
is to join
my Secret Service detail
493
00:19:50,553 --> 00:19:53,637
and somehow not fall in love
with me, à la The Bodyguard.
494
00:19:53,637 --> 00:19:55,178
And good luck
because I am...
495
00:19:55,178 --> 00:19:57,553
Enchanting as ass
496
00:19:57,553 --> 00:19:59,720
[President Trump]
Because all the judges
497
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,595
are either recused
or horking into the Everglades,
498
00:20:02,595 --> 00:20:05,345
the Supreme Court
will fail to hear my case.
499
00:20:05,345 --> 00:20:07,512
You're the man of
the White House now, Mikey.
500
00:20:07,512 --> 00:20:09,720
Here's the presidential
suit and tie.
501
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,387
They'll probably
be tight on you.
502
00:20:11,387 --> 00:20:15,553
As much as I appreciate the
gesture, I shall not accept.
503
00:20:15,553 --> 00:20:18,387
If there's one thing your
supporters don't want to see,
504
00:20:18,387 --> 00:20:21,762
it's you being held accountable
for your actions.
505
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,428
Pardon or no pardon,
you need to fight
506
00:20:24,428 --> 00:20:27,011
to make sure America
continues to be a place
507
00:20:27,011 --> 00:20:30,762
where guys like you
can get away with anything.
508
00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:34,970
509
00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:37,845
And I'm with you
510
00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:39,762
Tonight
511
00:20:39,762 --> 00:20:42,553
Eric, are you seriously
not gonna put your name in?
512
00:20:42,553 --> 00:20:43,679
They got Sublime!
513
00:20:43,679 --> 00:20:46,261
I see why Brett
was so into this beer.
514
00:20:46,261 --> 00:20:49,428
It makes being a failure
a lot more palatable.
515
00:20:49,428 --> 00:20:50,929
You didn't fail today.
516
00:20:50,929 --> 00:20:52,762
You failed the moment
you tried to be
517
00:20:52,762 --> 00:20:54,553
a bad-ass business Trump
like me
518
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,345
instead of an artsy
ass-wad Trump
519
00:20:56,345 --> 00:20:58,428
walking around with
a donkey on his hand.
520
00:20:58,428 --> 00:21:00,303
[crying] I just want to
prove I'm responsible
521
00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:03,303
and get
Brett Kavanaugh back!
522
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,595
Sorry, Eric.
As a child of privilege,
523
00:21:05,595 --> 00:21:07,970
you don't always get what you
want the minute you want it.
524
00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,345
Sometimes you have to wait for
things to fall into your lap.
525
00:21:10,345 --> 00:21:11,804
[Kavanaugh] Ahh!
526
00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:14,178
[karaoke host] And next up
for karaoke is Coach Brett K!
527
00:21:14,178 --> 00:21:18,637
Uh...how's everybody doin'?!
Shut up!
528
00:21:18,637 --> 00:21:19,845
529
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,303
[Kavanaugh] I don't
wanna go to Washington!
530
00:21:22,303 --> 00:21:26,345
Take me to Tobin's garage
for whip-its and garlic knots!
531
00:21:26,345 --> 00:21:28,178
You belong
on the Supreme Court
532
00:21:28,178 --> 00:21:30,178
deciding
the reproductive fate
533
00:21:30,178 --> 00:21:32,387
of every single
American woman!
534
00:21:32,387 --> 00:21:34,679
We don't have much time!
Floor it!
535
00:21:34,679 --> 00:21:36,804
[man] Is this the end
of your presidency?
536
00:21:36,804 --> 00:21:38,220
When you came for Clinton,
537
00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:40,178
he hopped
on Jeffrey Epstein's jet
538
00:21:40,178 --> 00:21:43,011
and hightailed it to Harlem
to write his memoirs.
539
00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:45,178
When you tried to pin
those million Iraq murders
540
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:47,261
on George W. Bush, he escaped
541
00:21:47,261 --> 00:21:50,011
to his artist's loft
to paint bathtubs.
542
00:21:50,011 --> 00:21:51,970
And when you came
for William Henry Harrison,
543
00:21:51,970 --> 00:21:54,011
he got pneumonia and died!
544
00:21:54,011 --> 00:21:55,512
But America elected me
545
00:21:55,512 --> 00:21:57,970
to see how much stuff
I could get away with,
546
00:21:57,970 --> 00:22:00,261
and I'm not done
getting away with stuff.
547
00:22:00,261 --> 00:22:01,804
[man] Mr. President!
[reporters shouting questions]
548
00:22:01,804 --> 00:22:02,929
[Conway] Get the hell
out of my way!
549
00:22:02,929 --> 00:22:05,095
Mr. President,
it's your shithead sons.
550
00:22:05,095 --> 00:22:08,303
Dad! It's your shithead sons!
We found Brett Kavanaugh!
551
00:22:08,303 --> 00:22:10,720
He smells like an
un-air-conditioned food court!
552
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,303
Sandblast the puke
from his face
553
00:22:12,303 --> 00:22:13,679
and get him
in that judge dress.
554
00:22:13,679 --> 00:22:14,804
We have no time to lose.
555
00:22:14,804 --> 00:22:17,595
556
00:22:17,595 --> 00:22:19,887
[tick echoes]
557
00:22:19,887 --> 00:22:21,261
Kavanaugh's on his way.
558
00:22:21,261 --> 00:22:22,679
You need to stall
until he gets here.
559
00:22:22,679 --> 00:22:24,178
I'm on it!
560
00:22:24,178 --> 00:22:25,679
[clears throat]
For my first stall,
561
00:22:25,679 --> 00:22:28,637
I'd like to take a really
long time to say my name.
562
00:22:28,637 --> 00:22:33,261
Ruuuuuudddddyyy
Giuuuuliannniii
563
00:22:33,261 --> 00:22:35,387
Crap! That came out way
faster than I meant it to!
564
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:37,136
Alright. What else?
What else? Um...
565
00:22:37,136 --> 00:22:38,845
Ah, one of the old favorites!
566
00:22:38,845 --> 00:22:41,428
It was a beautiful
September morning,
567
00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:43,053
not a cloud in the sky...
568
00:22:43,053 --> 00:22:45,053
[Kavanaugh groaning]
569
00:22:45,053 --> 00:22:46,887
I think he peed!
570
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:48,720
Oh, good.
That means he's alive!
571
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,970
So Lorne Michaels turns to me
and says, "Can we be funny?"
572
00:22:51,970 --> 00:22:54,720
Is this over yet?
And, totally off the cuff,
I said -- What did I say?
573
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,387
I'm meeting with
Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00.
574
00:22:56,387 --> 00:22:59,553
I told you, Hollywood's
gonna eat you alive!
575
00:22:59,553 --> 00:23:02,220
Wait! Don't marry him
or whatever!
576
00:23:02,220 --> 00:23:04,178
Quick, Eric.
Get him on the bench!
577
00:23:04,178 --> 00:23:07,387
I would, Dad, but he's
too blitzed to speak.
578
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:10,261
If I'm so blitzed, then
how come I can still say --
579
00:23:10,261 --> 00:23:12,136
BLLUUGHHHH!
580
00:23:12,136 --> 00:23:13,762
There's nothing left
to do now
581
00:23:13,762 --> 00:23:15,720
but accept
our pitiful failure.
582
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,887
If only someone could make
Brett Kavanaugh talk...
583
00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:23,220
584
00:23:23,220 --> 00:23:26,720
So, Justice Kavanaugh,
do you think my dad
585
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,804
should be able
to pardon himself?
586
00:23:28,804 --> 00:23:30,512
[Kavanaugh impression]
I sure do,
587
00:23:30,512 --> 00:23:33,387
as much as I think
you need a bath!
588
00:23:33,387 --> 00:23:34,762
[Don Jr.] Got 'im!
589
00:23:34,762 --> 00:23:38,261
[normal voice] Aww. That's not
very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.
590
00:23:38,261 --> 00:23:40,470
[Kavanaugh impression] You know
what's even more not nice?
591
00:23:40,470 --> 00:23:43,261
Charging the president
for his crimes.
592
00:23:43,261 --> 00:23:45,095
He is above us all.
593
00:23:45,095 --> 00:23:46,762
[Eric and Kavanaugh impression]
Hee haw!
594
00:23:46,762 --> 00:23:48,136
Holy shit! He did it!
595
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:50,428
He did the
double-donkey hee-haw!
596
00:23:50,428 --> 00:23:51,970
[grumbles]
Who said that?
597
00:23:51,970 --> 00:23:53,220
[chomps]
Aah!
598
00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:54,970
He bit off his finger!
599
00:23:54,970 --> 00:23:56,804
I don't care if I go to jail.
600
00:23:56,804 --> 00:23:59,470
This is the best thing
I've ever seen!
601
00:23:59,470 --> 00:24:02,053
It was a dramatic day
at the Supreme Court.
602
00:24:02,053 --> 00:24:04,804
We have these exclusive
courtroom sketches.
603
00:24:04,804 --> 00:24:06,595
There's Kavanaugh
biting off Eric's finger,
604
00:24:06,595 --> 00:24:10,220
then regurgitating it
toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,
605
00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:11,970
then there's some keep-away.
606
00:24:11,970 --> 00:24:14,136
But Kavanaugh did submit
a written opinion,
607
00:24:14,136 --> 00:24:16,220
which I have here.
608
00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:19,387
Okay. This is a bar menu from a
West Palm Beach Margaritaville.
609
00:24:19,387 --> 00:24:21,845
As to whether the president
can pardon himself,
610
00:24:21,845 --> 00:24:24,512
it's still unclear,
but between Dred Scott
611
00:24:24,512 --> 00:24:26,679
and Citizens United,
the ruling to allow
612
00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:28,970
"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos
613
00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:30,637
to be two-for-one
on Wednesdays"
614
00:24:30,637 --> 00:24:32,679
is one of the least-harmful
decisions
615
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:34,220
the Supreme Court has ever made.
616
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:36,011
617
00:24:36,011 --> 00:24:38,720
So, are you allowed
to pardon yourself or nah?
618
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,136
No one knows.
619
00:24:40,136 --> 00:24:42,845
So I'll just give it a shot,
see if anyone freaks out.
620
00:24:42,845 --> 00:24:45,804
Eric, I want to thank you
for tracking down Kavanaugh
621
00:24:45,804 --> 00:24:47,220
and bringing him back here,
622
00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:49,345
no matter how bad
it made the city smell.
623
00:24:49,345 --> 00:24:52,303
You've proven you really
can handle responsibility.
624
00:24:52,303 --> 00:24:55,303
Does this mean
I'm CEO of Trump Org?!
625
00:24:55,303 --> 00:24:56,845
Even better!
626
00:24:56,845 --> 00:25:01,011
I'm making you CEO of
Trump Ventriloquism University!
627
00:25:01,011 --> 00:25:03,887
We're opening
a Ventriloquism University?!
628
00:25:03,887 --> 00:25:05,679
It's more of
a money-laundering front
629
00:25:05,679 --> 00:25:07,970
for which you will be held
legally responsible,
630
00:25:07,970 --> 00:25:09,387
but you're the CEO.
631
00:25:09,387 --> 00:25:12,845
When the Feds come, I'll make
Deion the Donkey take the fall!
632
00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:14,220
That's my boy!
633
00:25:14,220 --> 00:25:17,095
Now everyone shut up and put
the crime sock on the door.
634
00:25:17,095 --> 00:25:18,970
We've got work to do!
635
00:25:18,970 --> 00:25:20,387
['80s-style pop music plays]
636
00:25:20,387 --> 00:25:23,553
Donald Trump
is the president
637
00:25:23,553 --> 00:25:27,011
Donald Trump
is the president
638
00:25:27,011 --> 00:25:29,387
Is Donald Trump
the president?
639
00:25:29,387 --> 00:25:30,762
Yes, he is
640
00:25:30,762 --> 00:25:34,011
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
641
00:25:34,011 --> 00:25:36,679
Is Donald Trump
the president?
642
00:25:36,679 --> 00:25:38,095
Yes, he is
643
00:25:38,095 --> 00:25:41,095
We had a vote
and elected him president
644
00:25:41,095 --> 00:25:46,136
Donald Trump
is the president
645
00:25:48,178 --> 00:25:50,053
Donald Trump
646
00:25:50,053 --> 00:25:53,470
He is our president
647
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:56,929
We made him president
648
00:25:56,929 --> 00:25:59,261
We did it
649
00:25:59,261 --> 00:26:03,261
Donald Trump
is the president
650
00:26:03,261 --> 00:26:06,261
We elected Donald Trump
651
00:26:06,261 --> 00:26:09,762
Donald Trump
is the president
652
00:26:09,762 --> 00:26:13,387
Donald Trump
is the president
653
00:26:13,387 --> 00:26:17,095
Yeah
654
00:26:17,095 --> 00:26:19,095
Trump!
49670
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
